Hold on to your butts…the world is ending….in 2012
Seriously…that shit’s happening
I’m sure a lot of you already knew about the fact that the Mayan calendar ended at 2012…but also the oldest Chinese calendar just so happens to end the same year. And the thing that sucks about that is that both calendars are super accurate with astrological happenings….and predictions for the future….Now don’t get my wrong…i don’t think psychics are real…but these predictions aren’t like “you’ll encounter a sad blonde girl in your future”. The Chinese calendar used patterns to predict the fall of the roman empire and both world wars….the thing that makes that impressive is that i wasn’t like it predicted 1000 things….it showed a peak or valley on the earth that directly correlated to a major event…..every time.
The Mayans? They have accurately predicted every eclipse since they made the calendar….apparently there is something to human sacrifices….. Well anyways…the Mayan calendar has a better reason for 2012 being the last year we all live. Now i know that some people will remember the part of it where they say machines and animals will rise up against us….but if there is enough chaos couldn’t the machines all be broken and the animals be going nuts (just like before earthquakes and stuff). The real event that they say will end the world is the shifting of our poles….see in 2012 we dip below our solar systems equator basically…and once the happens due to magnetism associated with this it will cause our poles to shift…as in every fucking thing flips…the scientists that they interviewed agreed that this has happened before on earth (last time Alaska was at one of the poles) and they don’t know whether its gonna happen in hours or over the course of a decade….but either way it involves alot of storms…tsunamis…all that good shit.
Anyways…end of story…i’m making sure i have zero leave time left in the bank during 2012…cuz how bad would that suck if the world ended and you had 200 hrs of vacation just sitting there…everyone would be looking for their loved ones…i’d be attempting an all out sprint from DC to Las Vegas with cash flying out of my pockets….”Vegas Baby…YEEEEAAAAAHHHH….you’re not taking this one from me!”
Yep that’s right everyone…now is the time that you get to decide if i’ve really lost my mind…if i’m the internet’s version of the homeless guy holding up his piece of cardboard professing the end of everything we know….just with less religion thrown in.
Did you know that John P Crapper was the first person to successfully invent a flusing toilet? So when you go to the John or the Crapper….same dude….Do you think that is a source of pride or annoyance for his descendants….I think when referring to the toilet they probably don’t mind…but good ‘ol John P Crapper probably didn’t count on the word crap coming into its own….You’re full of Crap…. piece of crap…. not something to be as proud of.
Did you ever wonder how many people died just to test out which plants would make good spices…and which ones would make good poisons….that’s a hell of a trial and error.
Did you hear about the gay couple that was apprehended in Mormonville for kissing in public. More suprising then the fact that they were detained is the fact that in public releases (from what i’ve read so far atleast) no one has shied away from what they did…. “well we told them to stop their lewd and inappropriate conduct” Wow…how does that shit still exist.
Snitching is WAAAY more fun than advertised….rappers want to make you think its this awful experience…well let me tell you…i ratted on the same person three times in the matter of 5 minutes and it was fantastically entertaining. This dude had started fighting outside of Marks’s Pub (naturally)…by the time we got there he was struggling to get free as the owner sat on him and was just ripping shots into his ribs…eventually the dude gets up and starts trying to talk to me, ant, and his friend joe…a cop car pulls around and the dude darts off….I start laughing…we are walking back to the apartment…and i walk across the street in front of the cop car…apparently anything you do around a cop car warrants and arrest to ant as he yells “YO! what the fuck are you doin’ man?” I responded that a cop isn’t going to arrest me for walking…especially when he’s going after someone else….the cop askes me if i saw where the dude went…so i say…in my whitest of voices “SURE! He’s right up that hill officer!” Then we get to fairfax towers….and its funny to see law enforcement thwarted by a gate….its a hard system to work…push the button on the gate and tell the front gate you’re the fucking cops…pretty sure they’re gonna open for you. This procedure baffled our officer though…so i ran up to the gate and opened it for him….he then asked me for the location of the fighting dude again….i gladly pointed him in the direction and watched as the small statured cop went after him…meanwhile ant doesn’t exactly know what to do in this situation and has been running around to nowhere in particular for a while now….he was like a fucking dog that’s scared of thunderstorms.
To end this blog i will leave you with a quote from the great movie “It’s a wonderful life”
…”everytime a girl swallows an angel gets its wings”
classic movie….
Second round a few matches…a bit of nonsense
Ok so i’m doing the same thing as last time…a second round match up or two…but not the whole shabang (not the whole she-bang either…not havin sex and definitely not listening some rick martin) today…
First Match up….oh and looks like a tough draw for steve…
Rudy Day Vs. Steve Saga.
In what can only be descirbed as obscenely unfair this match is taking place…in get this…apartment 215….not looking good for steve…but god dammit you can’t stop that spirit!
Pirate mike, rudy, and ant are all sitting on the couch when a knock is heard at the door…and music barely over an audible level…who’s this…
STEEEVE…the hulk hogan theme goes again…pirate mike just turns around and walks back to the couch…she’s waaaaaaaaaving the flag again…but we have low ceilings…so that shit is just scraping the shit out of it and raining plaster down on her head…steve is a sight to behold…the music is at a low level…mainly due to the busted ear drums she suffered during round one. Ant goes to bed. Everything looks good until Rudy Day looks down to realize he’s not wearing his Rudy Day shirt…it is in fact a Steve Day shirt…seems the Hesters didn’t like the outcome and wanted to remind Rudy Day who was in charge and responsible for it.
Steve giggles and staggers towards the center of the room….she puts all she has into a haymaker aimed at Rudy Day…Rudy Day ducks and steve hits the coffee table…oh man…
oh boy…
Her stitches from the chairs to the forehead have reopened….ant comes and scoops her off the floor…pirate mike immediatly calls downstairs to negotiate at the VERY LEAST a discounted carpet cleaning…
Rhonda pops in the see what’s going on…Steve instinctively pops up and grabs her flag again
(oh god no not this routine again everyone thinks…they just watch as she wildly waves the flag and chants the wrong letters of the country…U…S…UA…U….A…. S?)
She falls face foward down again with the flag wrapped around her….215 unpauses TiVo.
minutes later Steve wakes back up and hits the coat check dive but on rhonda who was unassumingly sitting on the couch…the back of the couch breaks…so does rhonda’s spirit…steve immediatly launches her signature move again but didn’t have enough gusto…Rudy Day catches her in the air and piledrives her through the beer pong table….911 is called and Rudy Day takes it..
Sad match folks…Steve was a great story…but that effort she gave in the first round…all heart…seemed to really be everything she had…we just hope for good news from the hospital..
Winner: Rudy Day
(before fading to black the camera pans back to steve’s hospital room to see half her face pealed back….and ONE GLOWING RED EYE….machinery moving around as her new half flesh half machine smile chills the audience to the core)
Match 2
Overnight Vs. Vegas
Smitty, rudy, and jordan skydive into the arena…while overnight well….lurks in the shadows…
As the fight starts…overnight immediatly goes after the light rigs…only problem…Vegas is probably the only competitor that wouldn’t work against…. the vegas trio continually kick overnight in the mouth with the three person basket carry known as ‘i just won 1500 dollars anyone wanna touch me’ …overnight is wounded on the canvas as Smitty and Jordan are shaking beers over its corpse screaming ‘lets get fucking mental’. Just then the hookers smitty ordered up to rudy and jordan’s room as a prank have returned…still trying to get money and angry over the confusion and joke made of their lives….they start furiously gyrating their hips…oh shit…only thing…that’s all they are good at and have no actual skills regarded by humans as valuable….so much for that sneak attack overnight….it should be a 3 vs. 1 fight but the trio is all so drunk they are each fighting 3 images of overnight…turning a 3 vs. 1 fight into a 3 vs. 9 giving the edge to overnight now….to make matters worse rudy has resorted to his last day in vegas form which involved laying in bed and trying not to shit himself…..scratch that…trying to clean himself up…looks like overnight took advantage of that now….Overnight is dragging rudy back to its truck of dispair getting ready for a long night of raping before Jordan and Smitty down some red bulls to even out the drunkeness….Taking their craps knowledge they pull off the ‘pass line pugalists’ move…it involves throwing your dice hand in a quick motion towards the face of your opponenet…the blows land as spittle is flinging from Jordan and Smitty’s faces as they scream WINNNNAAAAAAAAAH
Overnight is out and looks to be turning to stone as the sun rises….jordan and smitty drag a shit covered rudy back to the paris casino for probably 3 more hours of gambling that with rudy’s state will resemble a weekend at bernie’s scene.
Winner: Vegas
left bracket final: Rudy day vs. 215/bodily injury
right bracket final: Vegas vs. beach/wild out 09
Now to more intellectual blogging…
Oh god someone stop the chaffing….i have no idea how to…all i know is everytime i start to walk if feels like someone has rubbed sandpaper on my inner thighs and once i peel it off someone immediatly starts hitting that shit with hot sauce.
Pirate Mike is going to make a great dad and old man…why you ask…because he has the gift of the ‘fishing story’ Pirate Mike doesn’t wildly exaggerate the truth…but stretches it JUUUST enough to remain believable but also way more awesome than the original story….also everyone benefits…
examples of potential pirate mike stories:
we weren’t all talking to 4s…they were 7s and mike got called on stage to dance with rachel
Mike benched 225 three times and then ran all the way to the top of the stairs in FFX towers to celebrate
Mike won three games of beer pong in a row.
Mike could stop global warming in a day but kind of likes indian summers
Mike wrote kevin garnett’s interview answers after they won the title.
Daniel Craig is only a good James Bond because he doesn’t act like the classic James Bond…everyone was getting sick of that same old cookie cutter shit…no one wanted to admit it though like Connery was going to come to their house…slap them in the face and then fuck their wife in front of them.
Joe Rogan believe it or not…funny stand-up routine…watched it on the ‘watch instantly’ netflix thing yeterday…has a great big about ex-boyfriends that you current girlfriend keeps as friends…
don’t have any tangents or rants in me…
Done
Mother Effin S Balls! Round One Is Over!
It has been an interesting few days since the tournament has begun…much anticipation has built up…words thrown around carelessly like bullets from guns owned by Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones after going out on the town.
Here’s the fight card for tonight folks
Warm-up
Club 215 opens Vs. Summer Cookouts.
Ultra Bar Vs. Vegas
Getting warmer…
The Beach Vs. Little Guy Jokes
Oh my lord…oh Jeeze…oh man…for fucks sake no…
THE MAIN EVENT!!!
Hesters Vs. Steve
So lets get to it…
Match 1: Club 215 Vs. Summer Cookouts
The competitors are already warming up…as we bring you this fight live from an elementary school playground in Falls Church VA. Fans number in the teens both in age and numbers for what doesn’t appear to be a very exciting fight…Fuck i know we get paid for this…but seriously…they are both obviously drunk.
*The ref brings them together for a handshake*
Cookouts yells…NO YOU ARE
215 Vomits all over ref
They start swinging wildly at each other however nothing is connecting. Cookout throws a ping pong ball by the see-saw and yells ‘your shot 215’. 215 stumbles over to pick it up when Cookout stomps on the other end of the see-saw smashing 215’s nuts.
215 is stumbling around looking for where the beer pong rack went off to and concentrating on not pissing large amounts of blood.
Cookout is lured over to the crowd by a school administrator after being told a noise complaint is being placed against him after the girlish scream just unleashed seconds earlier…While Cookout is having this conversation trying to convince everyone it is really 215’s fault….Out of left-field 215 sprints towards cookout And spears cookout through a metal slide… unfortunately while kids are still sliding down it….Its a sight of pure carnage…215 starts beating cookout senseless with children’s limbs…the fight rages on until night…which 215 didn’t realize until now is cookout’s weakness…at that time 215 fires up its well known black lights…now giving it a distinct advantage since its wearing a dark shirt…Cookout is wearing all white and has lit up like a candle. Cookout is blindsided with a beer pong table to the temple and looks like is out for good.
Winner: Club 215
….well…thank god that match is over…on to the next…
Match II: Ultrabar Vs. Vegas
Vegas took a private plane to get here…while Ultrabar stumbled through miles of woods until it got within sight of the arena…starting it with an obvious disadvantage after being cut up and now worn out…Vegas hookers pull up to give Ultrabar a ‘helping hand’ Ultrabar has learned nothing from taking questionable rides in the past and gets in….The Hookers beat Ultrabar silly…The wind up finding ultrabar days later sucking its thumb and complaining of painful urination…Meanwhile vegas is throwing its own party in the actual ultrabar vip.
Winner: Vegas Baby….Vegas
Ok…now for the closest of the match ups
I don’t feel like doing another fight summary for this one…
Match 3: Pirate Mike “Little Guy” Jokes Vs. The Beach Trip
Points to consider for the beach: Drinking started at about 9am every day….a real world confessional was recorded in which fat night vision rudy was created…and Ant looking like the Hoff also surfaced. JMU Mike dressed up like me and shaved in the same facial hair and took pictures it looked too close to call…Ants life was in shambles every morning…bangarang ruled the day…air banding…sun burn….consuming about 10-15 beers a person in about 2 hours in the craziest short span of drinking seen in the history of that house..
Points for Little Guy Jokes: Applicable in many situations…keeps fairfax towers entertained…can brighten a cloudy day…gives Pirate Mike options while on business trips..ITS REALLY FUNNY…i can’t give this justice…just ask the hesters, ant,JMU Mike, Rhonda, Aaron…any of them…
After matching this up…at first i thought it was going to be Little Guy jokes all the way…but although they have recently been suspended they will be a part of 2009 whereas there will never be another beach trip 2008.
Winner Beach Trip
As i type this the earth is shaking…time is ripping apart… thunderous applause and stomping feets are to be heard from miles around….the challengers are being flown in..
THE MAIN EVENT!
The Hesters Vs. The Steve Saga!!!
I would like to give a little backround on this one because i think it is necessary…if you refer to the previous posts you know what the circumstances were…since then verbal barbs were thrown all around and talks of friendships ending have arisen.
Steve kept on saying “name the terms” When we sent a representative over to indeed ‘state the terms’ steve smacked the mic out of his hand…said done deal! then broke the camera and dennis rodman groin kicked the camera man…before they could pick themselves off the ground all you could hear was the sound of 45lb plates sliding onto bars…it appears it is on.
The Hesters waited longer to reply…although originally marked as favorites by vegas odds makers their silence until the last day or two has drawn the odds close to even…
Will Steve’s inspirational quotes and comments be enough to topple the favorites…The Hesters….We’ll see…up next…live…from the Verizon Center…
*Break for commercial*
Vince here for Shamwow! Showing you why you’ll be saying wow everytime! Get in here camera guy take a look at this…There is a reason why Shamwow! has been chosen as the official corner man towel of the main event…When dunked in this bowl of pigs blood, sweat, and saliva…the shamwow! conquers all…Slap some shamwow!s to your shoes for extra grip…glue them to across your eyebrows to keep your eyes clear of sweat and locked on their targets…like they should be…The possibilities are endless!
AND WE’RE BACK!
Introducing first….wearing a blue singlet…4’3″ of sass and crass….STEEEVE
*Steve enters to hulk hogan’s original song “i’m just an american man…” She’s coming out hacksaw jim duggan style (with a 2X4 and a large american flag) she stops halfway down the ramp on the way to the ring to put down her lumber…give a thumbs up and wave the flag around a bit…She enters the ring gives one more thumbs up..but suddenly…the lights go out…steve looks shocked*
With no warning….The Empire theme from Star Wars blares over the PA system…About 50 soldiers from the Manteo NC secret police force come out in full riot gear and surround the ring…All the sudden a banner drops from the ceiling showing the hester sisters…frank and mom hester looking over their island…A spotlight finds Frank who is standing an saluting his flag…
(historical note, it is said that much like Kim Jong Il in N.Korea, it is mandatory in Manteo to have a picture of Frank in your center room, it must be cleaned daily and whispered sweet nothings with the promises of punishment by the secret police if violated)
The sisters emerge in black military uniforms heavily decorated…AdoptedRoommate215’s uniform enblazened with many pins and medals from previous campaigns….MixedAssRachel’s is papered with degrees and smiley faces…and the force known as the two older hester sisters has assembled like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado wrapped in an erupting volcano…and is now gaining speed towards the ring…
MAR= MixedAssRachel AR215=you get the picture…
*Ding Ding Ding*
The Fight has started folks…Steve rushes at the sisters and hits both quickly with the 2X4 M.A.R is dazed only momentarily while the 2X4 breaks over a laughing AR215. Steve looks shocked as she takes a double clothesline to the throat…she is writhing on the ground in pain…the Hesters high-five and show boat a little bit…
Steve attempts to get up…She is kicked back down
Secound attempt…a synchronized set of punches by her opponents down her again…
Suddenly steve starts shaking (ultimate warrior style remember him?) she grabs the bottom rope shaking violently apparently the blows being dealt to her are doing no harm…she eventually gets to the top rope….still shaking…
That’s when Manteo Secret Police get involved thowing two steel chairs into the ring…both of which are planted on Steve’s brow….She’s bleeding…rather alarmingly…AR215 tells MixedAssRachel to go start her car…MAR grabs her keys and runs to the parking lot….meanwhile AR215 is beating the hell out of a near crippled steve…the crowd’s initial cheers are turning to gasps and eventually silence….
MAR is backing the car down the ramp in the arena getting ready to pick up her soon victorious sister when her rear-view camera goes out…all the sudden she veers wildly into the crowd!!!! Her moisture sensing windshield wipers turn on automatically making a mess out of her vision in the front as well…she is now blind…back on path for a second but then…OH NO WHAT’S THIS!?!?
She smashes into the ring….AR215 is flung to the ground…MAR has locked herself into her car…although she is a smart woman…the automobile eludes her…
Steve wipes her mouth tries to get up…but falls…
What’s this! when did he get a ticket….a ‘BIG TICKET’ if you catch my Mother fucking drift….’Hey steve’ yells Kevin Garnett… “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!”
Steve pops to her feet kung-fu style…and makes a rush at an AR215 who is gathering herself in the corner of the ring
“Folks i think she’s going for it…this could be it…it is…its the coat check dive..steve signature move!!!”
(if you arent familiar with this…steve lost her coat check number during wild out 09…not wanting to hear about having to wait for her coat she dove in through the drapes…got her coat and dove back out)
Steve careens into AR215 who is facing the corner of the ring….she is plastered into the corner..steve rolls her up and goes for the pin..
(Manteo secret police are busy trying to help out MAR who at this point has a turn signal stuck on)
1…
2…..
3!!!!!!!!
Do you believe in miracles folks?!?!?
Steve the underdog of this tournament has taken an improbable victory in the first round!!!
In a great show of sportsmanship AR215 and Steve shake hands…but AR215 takes the microphone and says…”i smelled blood and i want more! there will be a rematch”
OK BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER…DISCLAIMER!!!
Please realize this is a blog…the banter before this match-up got suprisingly heated…this is just a blog…a DUMB BLOG…that about 50 people read daily…nothing big…nothing worth ruining friendships over or having actual feelings of anger or hatred about…especially about an NCAA style 2008 wrap-up tourney…Keep in mind if you made the list you obviously have a place with all of us…also keep in mind…in other match ups Ant was shot twice and beaten before the president elect managed to paralyze himself…
That’s all i’ve got to say…any voicemails, or texts regarding the results will be ignored…If anyone is honestly pissed…im sorry…but that’s just sad.
BACK TO BUSINESS…
THE SECOND ROUND:
(left side)
Rudy Day Vs. The Steve Saga
Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm (AKA injuries suffered in 08)
(Right side)
Overnight Vs. Vegas
Beach Vs. Wild Out 2009
As before comments left as votes for these match-ups will sway results as i already have favorites picked out which i wont list this time…
Seacrest out? seriously always thought dude was gay…gotta be out by now
Oh JMU Mike i appreciate your friendship…i had a dream you died in vegas while we were on vacation a mom trying to feed her baby a bottle while driving accidently forced you into an oncoming semi-truck…that dream freaked me out…i was actually sad going to work…hope you’re not dead…and watch out for moms in maroon vans preparing food for their children for atleast the next couple weeks.
Spent!