Hold on to your butts…the world is ending….in 2012

July 13, 2009 at 5:59 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Seriously…that shit’s happening

I’m sure a lot of you already knew about the fact that the Mayan calendar ended at 2012…but also the oldest Chinese calendar just so happens to end the same year.  And the thing that sucks about that is that both calendars are super accurate with astrological happenings….and predictions for the future….Now don’t get my wrong…i don’t think psychics are real…but these predictions aren’t like “you’ll encounter a sad blonde girl in your future”.  The Chinese calendar used patterns to predict the fall of the roman empire and both world wars….the thing that makes that impressive is that i wasn’t like it predicted 1000 things….it showed a peak or valley on the earth that directly correlated to a major event…..every time.

The Mayans?  They have accurately predicted every eclipse since they made the calendar….apparently there is something to human sacrifices….. Well anyways…the Mayan calendar has a better reason for 2012 being the last year we all live.  Now i know that some people will remember the part of it where they say machines and animals will rise up against us….but if there is enough chaos couldn’t the machines all be broken and the animals be going nuts (just like before earthquakes and stuff).  The real event that they say will end the world is the shifting of our poles….see in 2012 we dip below our solar systems equator basically…and once the happens due to magnetism associated with this it will cause our poles to shift…as in every fucking thing flips…the scientists that they interviewed agreed that this has happened before on earth (last time Alaska was at one of the poles) and they don’t know whether its gonna happen in hours or over the course of a decade….but either way it involves alot of storms…tsunamis…all that good shit.

Anyways…end of story…i’m making sure i have zero leave time left in the bank during 2012…cuz how bad would that suck if the world ended and you had 200 hrs of vacation just sitting there…everyone would be looking for their loved ones…i’d be attempting an all out sprint from DC to Las Vegas with cash flying out of my pockets….”Vegas Baby…YEEEEAAAAAHHHH….you’re not taking this one from me!”

Yep that’s right everyone…now is the time that you get to decide if i’ve really lost my mind…if i’m the internet’s version of the homeless guy holding up his piece of cardboard professing the end of everything we know….just with less religion thrown in.

Did you know that John P Crapper was the first person to successfully invent a flusing toilet?  So when you go to the John or the Crapper….same dude….Do you think that is a source of pride or annoyance for his descendants….I think when referring to the toilet they probably don’t mind…but good ‘ol John P Crapper probably didn’t count on the word crap coming into its own….You’re full of Crap…. piece of crap…. not something to be as proud of.

Did you ever wonder how many people died just to test out which plants would make good spices…and which ones would make good poisons….that’s a hell of a trial and error.

Did you hear about the gay couple that was apprehended in Mormonville for kissing in public.  More suprising then the fact that they were detained is the fact that in public releases (from what i’ve read so far atleast) no one has shied away from what they did…. “well we told them to stop their lewd and inappropriate conduct”  Wow…how does that shit still exist.

Snitching is WAAAY more fun than advertised….rappers want to make you think its this awful experience…well let me tell you…i ratted on the same person three times in the matter of 5 minutes and it was fantastically entertaining.  This dude had started fighting outside of Marks’s Pub (naturally)…by the time we got there he was struggling to get free as the owner sat on him and was just ripping shots into his ribs…eventually the dude gets up and starts trying to talk to me, ant, and his friend joe…a cop car pulls around and the dude darts off….I start laughing…we are walking back to the apartment…and i walk across the street in front of the cop car…apparently anything you do around a cop car warrants and arrest to ant as he yells “YO! what the fuck are you doin’ man?”  I responded that a cop isn’t going to arrest me for walking…especially when he’s going after someone else….the cop askes me if i saw where the dude went…so i say…in my whitest of voices “SURE!  He’s right up that hill officer!”  Then we get to fairfax towers….and its funny to see law enforcement thwarted by a gate….its a hard system to work…push the button on the gate and tell the front gate you’re the fucking cops…pretty sure they’re gonna open for you.  This procedure baffled our officer though…so i ran up to the gate and opened it for him….he then asked me for the location of the fighting dude again….i gladly pointed him in the direction and watched as the small statured cop went after him…meanwhile ant doesn’t exactly know what to do in this situation and has been running around to nowhere in particular for a while now….he was like a fucking dog that’s scared of thunderstorms.

To end this blog i will leave you with a quote from the great movie “It’s a wonderful life”

…”everytime a girl swallows an angel gets its wings”

classic movie….

Permalink 3 Comments

CNN,Shrinkage,Pirate Mike’s thought process,2008 wrap up tournament finals!

January 30, 2009 at 11:19 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok…back at it…I know I slacked yesterday…but sometimes there aren’t enough random thoughts going through my head to make a blog about…

CNN.com says the economy has shrunk by 3.8 percent…ok CNN thanks for such a hazy fact…oh yeah..i could feel it but i was guessing it was closer to 3.4% holy fuck!…3.8 guess i better start getting some canned meat water and powdered milk.  CNN i can make up random stats that no one can relate to as well…my happiness quotient has dropped a staggering 32% after realizing i have to work today while my fun factor is at a -2.7932…yeah i know…right…Rough…

 So I went to  a Persian eatery with both of the Mike’s and it has be reaffirmed that Pirate Mike is funny when he gets an idea in his head…this one was the porn industry…normally a friend might just say…hey you know what would make a lot of money…having your own porn company…and that’s the end of the story….not this guy…ohhhhh no….now i did agree that its an industry that’s never going to die no matter what the economy looks like….as long as there is one person on the planet porn will be a viable industry…See Pirate mike started going further though….’there are no barriers to entry (that’s what she said)’  ‘it’s real easy to vertically integrate (that’s what she said)’  ‘its easy to make’  ‘its cheap’  it just kept on going….that made me realize what the inside of Pirate Mike’s head looks like…

Here’s what it consists of…two coasts…on one there are piles and piles of money…on the other there are a bunch of ideas just waiting to get to the other side….HOWEVER….in the middle is this thick grey liquid with laws floating all around in it….so Pirate mike has to shoot these hair-brained ideas over the vast see known as the grey area….or once he has established it to be acceptable a bridge is built…for example…mike has a replica of the Golden Gate bridge in his brain and that of course is where DVDs and CDs are downloaded for free….The fake company he and Aaron made up…its held up by a worn old wooden suspension bridge….It ranges from a normal commute (dvd burning) to unlikely indiana jones situations that he belives in (making porn) that result in him swinging over the sea pitfall style Watch out for them gators…they’ll get ya!

The Chauffeur: its a product for the man on the go…its basically a belt you wear around you waist…..it has a basket type contraption that you put you balls in…and a little leash with a hook on it that you hook onto the belt…no more chaffing! I know some could say isn’t that a jock strap? no its the fucking chauffeur has much more class and lightweight. And plus the name is great because it carries you around all day just like your own personal driver!

(i think the commercial would show an awkwardly walking business man about to give a huge presentation…people are staring shaking their heads and giving disapproving looks…that’s when business man remembers the great product he has…he perks up…looks both ways and then ducks into the bathroom…a few adjusments of ‘The Chauffeur’s’ straps and he’s ready to go..the door flys open and he has a brisk stride going and a look of confidence)

Don’t worry that one’s free…but the next idea’s gonna cost you.

Country stars got left out…you can party like a rock star…you can party like a rap star…but no one wants to party like a country star…Maybe because the last time it looked like a country star was getting an ego and was going to do something a little bit crazy it resulted in Garth Brooks creating Chris Gaines….it involved him getting a Goo Goo Dolls style haircut and putting out even worse music….party like a country star? No thanks…i’ll pass….because i don’t like big belt buckles…singing about my dog or singing to dudes about being ‘like a rock’  aaaaawwwwwwaaaaawwww like a rock! (remember the chevy truck commercials) also i don’t idolize Howie Long….

Ok now finally to finish the tournament…

VEGAS VS. Club 215 VS. RUDY DAY

This fight is coming from an undisclosed location to avoid any foul play…it looks like a large empty warehouse…but we were able to put up some bleachers and let some fans in after some top notch security checks…we’re talking airport style…

Rudy Day looked geared up before the match but when he walked into the arena and there were no steamers…t-shirts…or custom beer pong balls his ego was deflated (a few fans scream get over yourself…what you think it would last forever!) He’s now just walking slowly around the warehouse with his head down..

The next to enter is club 215 represented by all three men….ant wearing under armor grey sweats and some athletic shoes….Pirate Mike wearing his crazy fedora like justin timerlake-esque hat…his shirt that no one understands that says black is the new black…jeans…and shoes….Rudy comes in eyes squinting….hair a little messed up…yawning pulling a polo over his wife beater as he walks in a little late…he’s also wearing beat up jeans and shoes…

Vegas walks in a little late…cuz its vegas baby!!!…and its always fashionable to be a little late…Vegas is throwing chips into the crowd obviously drunk… and then mumbles something to the ref and hands him a handful of chips and escort service flyers (the ref realizes…A) he’s not in vegas so they are worth nothing…and B) They aren’t to a real casino…shakes his head and throws it all away.)

The bell rings and 215 and RD go at each other

(vegas just sits back…orders a crown and coke…grabs a seat and watches the action for a bit)

Rudy Day smacks 215 in the face with cheesy roll-up after cheesy roll up…it has little effect on 215 (215 has built up an immunity to low-grade mexican food much like the prince from the princess bride had done with poison) 215 is oddly aroused though and mildly hungry….Ant grabs a large gatorade and smashes rudy day over the head with it….Rudy day is down and Pirate mike plugs in the foreman….Rudy is still rubbing his eyes trying to wake up….

Suddenly Vegas yells ‘looks like someone’s luck is about to get a little….crappy…(the crowd boos at a horrible pun….vegas drunkly holds its arms out and just says…whaaat…wha…wah you wan from meh)  dice are thrown and are used to trip up Ant who was going in for a follow-up blow….he hits the pavement and scrapes up the other side of his face…

The light has gone off the foreman showing its ready….Pirate mike signals vegas over for some drunken treats but at the last moment as he’s bending to get his grilled cheese the sandwiches are pulled away and his face is slammed in the grill….Pirate Mike says…look on the bright side…you’ll lose those jowels after going a few rounds with this lean mean grilling machine!

Rudy day has gotten up and charges at rudy…Rudy’s now in work mode…its all business and pitches RD like he’s a box on a truck.  

Vegas has freed itself from the foreman trap and that’s when Vegas unveils its back-up plan…before the match it secured an alliance with the beach to make sure a vacation would come out on top…and now its time for vegas to call in that favor…’NOW’ yells vegas….minutes go by and that’s when the camera men find them….JMU Mike is busy putting on his 5th coating of sun screen as to not take any chances on burning…cuz the man is already golden brown right now and can’t take the chance of getting any darker and losing that perfect balance he has achieved (real reason JMU Mike hates black people so bad he never wants to be tan because he thinks he might get confused as ‘one of them’)….Ant is too busy riding bikes and yelling at cars to ‘share the road’ ….Rudy is too sunburnt to move and he’d already passed out hours ago anyways…Pirate Mike is too busy fuckin in the Conch….Lauren is dancing…Aaron is taking ‘tooters’  looks like vegas can chalk this up for a loss…

Pirate Mike approaches Vegas dancing of course…the flailing of limbs is unpredictable and vegas is pummeled into a bloody mess….vegas is left twitching on the ground…his fist opens up and a crumpled Ace of Spades falls out of his hand and is then blows away….some Daft Punk song plays and it looks like Vegas is out of the tourney…

Rudy Day has managed to blind both ant and rudy with accurately thrown pong balls….he follows it up with tackling both of them…all three are on the ground…obviously spent…(meanwhile mike is still dancing….oblivious to all around him and just humming the daft punk song)

Rudy gets up first but can’t really see well because the sun has started shining through the openings in the warehouse roof….Ant gets up next…while all other contenders are covered in sweat ant takes a second to point out that his under armor shirt has wisked away all sweat leaving him comfortably dry.

Rudy day finally gets up…staggers around and says…”that’s it…hah…give me all you’ve got”

Ant runs at Rudy Day does a half spin…draws a large sword and rams it through rudy day’s core (it was airport security after all…but good news…no lotion of bottled water got in)..Rudy Day utters…Damn you Ant…why do you have to be so awesome all the time…ant puts his hand behind rudy day’s head…slowly lowers it to the ground and lays his other hand on rudy day’s chest…you have it a hell of a fight 

(rudy day spits up some blood…firmly grips ant’s hand…)

‘you….you…ya….ughhh’

Rudy Day is gone…Pirate Mike dances over to the corpse throws some pennies on Rudy Day’s eyes and dances away…

Announcer: uhh…well…i guess that’s it…there was really no direction in that match…it was kind of all over the place…i’d have to say if it would look horrible if it was all written down..but hey…it is what it is…sooo…lets announce our top event of 2008!

 

THE OPENING OF 215

I had to give it to opening of 215…it has been atleast a once a week occurance of getting 516 people down here…or just hanging out having a good time…Pirate Mike was the first random roomie back from the manassas days…we added another and instead of it being awkward…it just multiplied our awesomeness…

Oh by the way i was thinking of the superclub 215-217…although it seems like a fantastic idea congress would shoot it down…i’m pretty sure it would be considered a monopoly..because we would most certainly have a monopoly in fairfax towers and that’s just not good for competition…plus this way our awesomeness is spread throughout the building hopefully inspiring others.

Anyways…that’s it….

Permalink 2 Comments

Second round a few matches…a bit of nonsense

January 14, 2009 at 10:36 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so i’m doing the same thing as last time…a second round match up or two…but not the whole shabang (not the whole she-bang either…not havin sex and definitely not listening some rick martin) today…  

First Match up….oh and looks like a tough draw for steve…

Rudy Day Vs. Steve Saga.

In what can only be descirbed as obscenely unfair this match is taking place…in get this…apartment 215….not looking good for steve…but god dammit you can’t stop that spirit!

Pirate mike, rudy, and ant are all sitting on the couch when a knock is heard at the door…and music barely over an audible level…who’s this…

STEEEVE…the hulk hogan theme goes again…pirate mike just turns around and walks back to the couch…she’s waaaaaaaaaving the flag again…but we have low ceilings…so that shit is just scraping the shit out of it and raining plaster down on her head…steve is a sight to behold…the music is at a low level…mainly due to the busted ear drums she suffered during round one.  Ant goes to bed.  Everything looks good until Rudy Day looks down to realize he’s not wearing his Rudy Day shirt…it is in fact a Steve Day shirt…seems the Hesters didn’t like the outcome and wanted to remind Rudy Day who was in charge and responsible for it.  

Steve giggles and staggers towards the center of the room….she puts all she has into a haymaker aimed at Rudy Day…Rudy Day ducks and steve hits the coffee table…oh man…

oh boy…

Her stitches from the chairs to the forehead have reopened….ant comes and scoops her off the floor…pirate mike immediatly calls downstairs to negotiate at the VERY LEAST a discounted carpet cleaning…

Rhonda pops in the see what’s going on…Steve instinctively pops up and grabs her flag again

(oh god no not this routine again everyone thinks…they just watch as she wildly waves the flag and chants the wrong letters of the country…U…S…UA…U….A….   S?)

She falls face foward down again with the flag wrapped around her….215 unpauses TiVo.

minutes later Steve wakes back up and hits the coat check dive but on rhonda who was unassumingly sitting on the couch…the back of the couch breaks…so does rhonda’s spirit…steve immediatly launches her signature move again but didn’t have enough gusto…Rudy Day catches her in the air and piledrives her through the beer pong table….911 is called and Rudy Day takes it..

Sad match folks…Steve was a great story…but that effort she gave in the first round…all heart…seemed to really be everything she had…we just hope for good news from the hospital..

Winner: Rudy Day

(before fading to black the camera pans back to steve’s hospital room to see half her face pealed back….and ONE GLOWING RED EYE….machinery moving around as her new half flesh half machine smile chills the audience to the core)

Match 2

Overnight Vs. Vegas

Smitty, rudy, and jordan skydive into the arena…while overnight well….lurks in the shadows…

As the fight starts…overnight immediatly goes after the light rigs…only problem…Vegas is probably the only competitor that wouldn’t work against…. the vegas trio continually kick overnight in the mouth with the three person basket carry known as ‘i just won 1500 dollars anyone wanna touch me’  …overnight is wounded on the canvas as Smitty and Jordan are shaking beers over its corpse screaming ‘lets get fucking mental’.  Just then the hookers smitty ordered up to rudy and jordan’s room as a prank have returned…still trying to get money and angry over the confusion and joke made of their lives….they start furiously gyrating their hips…oh shit…only thing…that’s all they are good at and have no actual skills regarded by humans as valuable….so much for that sneak attack overnight….it should be a 3 vs. 1 fight but the trio is all so drunk they are each fighting 3 images of overnight…turning a 3 vs. 1 fight into a 3 vs. 9 giving the edge to overnight now….to make matters worse rudy has resorted to his last day in vegas form which involved laying in bed and trying not to shit himself…..scratch that…trying to clean himself up…looks like overnight took advantage of that now….Overnight is dragging rudy back to its truck of dispair getting ready for a long night of raping before Jordan and Smitty down some red bulls to even out the drunkeness….Taking their craps knowledge they pull off the ‘pass line pugalists’ move…it involves throwing your dice hand in a quick motion towards the face of your opponenet…the blows land as spittle is flinging from Jordan and Smitty’s faces as they scream  WINNNNAAAAAAAAAH

Overnight is out and looks to be turning to stone as the sun rises….jordan and smitty drag a shit covered rudy back to the paris casino for probably 3 more hours of gambling that with rudy’s state will resemble a weekend at bernie’s scene.

Winner: Vegas

 

left bracket final: Rudy day vs. 215/bodily injury

right bracket final: Vegas vs. beach/wild out 09

Now to more intellectual blogging…

 

Oh god someone stop the chaffing….i have no idea how to…all i know is everytime i start to walk if feels like someone has rubbed sandpaper on my inner thighs and once i peel it off someone immediatly starts hitting that shit with hot sauce.

Pirate Mike is going to make a great dad and old man…why you ask…because he has the gift of the ‘fishing story’  Pirate Mike doesn’t wildly exaggerate the truth…but stretches it JUUUST enough to remain believable but also way more awesome than the original story….also everyone benefits…

examples of potential pirate mike stories:

we weren’t all talking to 4s…they were 7s and mike got called on stage to dance with rachel

Mike benched 225 three times and then ran all the way to the top of the stairs in FFX towers to celebrate

Mike won three games of beer pong in a row.

Mike could stop global warming in a day but kind of likes indian summers

Mike wrote kevin garnett’s interview answers after they won the title.

 

Daniel Craig is only a good James Bond because he doesn’t act like the classic James Bond…everyone was getting sick of that same old cookie cutter shit…no one wanted to admit it though like Connery was going to come to their house…slap them in the face and then fuck their wife in front of them.

Joe Rogan believe it or not…funny stand-up routine…watched it on the ‘watch instantly’ netflix thing yeterday…has a great big about ex-boyfriends that you current girlfriend keeps as friends…

don’t have any tangents or rants in me…

Done

Permalink 8 Comments

Mother Effin S Balls! Round One Is Over!

January 12, 2009 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It has been an interesting few days since the tournament has begun…much anticipation has built up…words thrown around carelessly like bullets from guns owned by Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones after going out on the town.

Here’s the fight card for tonight folks

Warm-up

Club 215 opens Vs. Summer Cookouts.

Ultra Bar Vs. Vegas

Getting warmer…

The Beach Vs. Little Guy Jokes

Oh my lord…oh Jeeze…oh man…for fucks sake no…

THE MAIN EVENT!!!

Hesters Vs. Steve

So lets get to it…

Match 1: Club 215 Vs. Summer Cookouts

The competitors are already warming up…as we bring you this fight live from an elementary school playground in Falls Church VA.  Fans number in the teens both in age and numbers for what doesn’t appear to be a very exciting fight…Fuck i know we get paid for this…but seriously…they are both obviously drunk.

*The ref brings them together for a handshake*

Cookouts yells…NO YOU ARE

215 Vomits all over ref

They start swinging wildly at each other however nothing is connecting.  Cookout throws a ping pong ball by the see-saw and yells ‘your shot 215’.  215 stumbles over to pick it up when Cookout stomps on the other end of the see-saw smashing 215’s nuts.  

215 is stumbling around looking for where the beer pong rack went off to and concentrating on not pissing large amounts of blood.

Cookout is lured over to the crowd by a school administrator after being told a noise complaint is being placed against him after the girlish scream just unleashed seconds earlier…While Cookout is having this conversation trying to convince everyone it is really 215’s fault….Out of left-field 215 sprints towards cookout  And spears cookout through a metal slide… unfortunately while kids are still sliding down it….Its a sight of pure carnage…215 starts beating cookout senseless with children’s limbs…the fight rages on until night…which 215 didn’t realize until now is cookout’s weakness…at that time 215 fires up its well known black lights…now giving it a distinct advantage since its wearing a dark shirt…Cookout is wearing all white and has lit up like a candle.  Cookout is blindsided with a beer pong table to the temple and looks like is out for good.

Winner: Club 215

….well…thank god that match is over…on to the next…

Match II: Ultrabar Vs. Vegas

Vegas took a private plane to get here…while Ultrabar stumbled through miles of woods until it got within sight of the arena…starting it with an obvious disadvantage after being cut up and now worn out…Vegas hookers pull up to give Ultrabar a ‘helping hand’  Ultrabar has learned nothing from taking questionable rides in the past and gets in….The Hookers beat Ultrabar silly…The wind up finding ultrabar days later sucking its thumb and complaining of painful urination…Meanwhile vegas is throwing its own party in the actual ultrabar vip.

Winner: Vegas Baby….Vegas

Ok…now for the closest of the match ups

I don’t feel like doing another fight summary for this one…

Match 3: Pirate Mike “Little Guy” Jokes Vs. The Beach Trip

Points to consider for the beach:  Drinking started at about 9am every day….a real world confessional was recorded in which fat night vision rudy was created…and Ant looking like the Hoff also surfaced. JMU Mike dressed up like me and shaved in the same facial hair and took pictures it looked too close to call…Ants life was in shambles every morning…bangarang ruled the day…air banding…sun burn….consuming about 10-15 beers a person in about 2 hours in the craziest short span of drinking seen in the history of that house..

Points for Little Guy Jokes:  Applicable in many situations…keeps fairfax towers entertained…can brighten a cloudy day…gives Pirate Mike options while on business trips..ITS REALLY FUNNY…i can’t give this justice…just ask the hesters, ant,JMU Mike, Rhonda, Aaron…any of them…

After matching this up…at first i thought it was going to be Little Guy jokes all the way…but although they have recently been suspended they will be a part of 2009 whereas there will never be another beach trip 2008.

Winner Beach Trip 

As i type this the earth is shaking…time is ripping apart… thunderous applause and stomping feets are to be heard from miles around….the challengers are being flown in..

THE MAIN EVENT! 

The Hesters Vs. The Steve Saga!!!

I would like to give a little backround on this one because i think it is necessary…if you refer to the previous posts you know what the circumstances were…since then verbal barbs were thrown all around and talks of friendships ending have arisen.  

Steve kept on saying “name the terms” When we sent a representative over to indeed ‘state the terms’ steve smacked the mic out of his hand…said done deal! then broke the camera and dennis rodman groin kicked the camera man…before they could pick themselves off the ground all you could hear was the sound of 45lb plates sliding onto bars…it appears it is on.

The Hesters waited longer to reply…although originally marked as favorites by vegas odds makers their silence until the last day or two has drawn the odds close to even…

Will Steve’s inspirational quotes and comments be enough to topple the favorites…The Hesters….We’ll see…up next…live…from the Verizon Center…

*Break for commercial*

Vince here for Shamwow!  Showing you why you’ll be saying wow everytime!  Get in here camera guy take a look at this…There is a reason why Shamwow! has been chosen as the official corner man towel of the main event…When dunked in this bowl of pigs blood, sweat, and saliva…the shamwow! conquers all…Slap some shamwow!s to your shoes for extra grip…glue them to across your eyebrows to keep your eyes clear of sweat and locked on their targets…like they should be…The possibilities are endless!  

AND WE’RE BACK!

Introducing first….wearing a blue singlet…4’3″ of sass and crass….STEEEVE 

*Steve enters to hulk hogan’s original song “i’m just an american man…”  She’s coming out hacksaw jim duggan style (with a 2X4 and a large american flag) she stops halfway down the ramp on the way to the ring to put down her lumber…give a thumbs up and wave the flag around a bit…She enters the ring gives one more thumbs up..but suddenly…the lights go out…steve looks shocked*

With no warning….The Empire theme from Star Wars blares over the PA system…About 50 soldiers from the Manteo NC secret police force come out in full riot gear  and surround the ring…All the sudden a banner drops from the ceiling showing the hester sisters…frank and mom hester looking over their island…A spotlight finds Frank who is standing an saluting his flag…

(historical note, it is said that much like Kim Jong Il in N.Korea, it is mandatory in Manteo to have a picture of Frank in your center room, it must be cleaned daily and whispered sweet nothings with the promises of punishment by the secret police if violated)

The sisters emerge in black military uniforms heavily decorated…AdoptedRoommate215’s uniform enblazened with many pins and medals from previous campaigns….MixedAssRachel’s is papered with degrees and smiley faces…and the force known as the two older hester sisters has assembled like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado wrapped in an erupting volcano…and is now gaining speed towards the ring…

MAR= MixedAssRachel          AR215=you get the picture…

*Ding Ding Ding*

The Fight has started folks…Steve rushes at the sisters and hits both quickly with the 2X4  M.A.R is dazed only momentarily while the 2X4 breaks over a laughing AR215.  Steve looks shocked as she takes a double clothesline to the throat…she is writhing on the ground in pain…the Hesters high-five and show boat a little bit…

Steve attempts to get up…She is kicked back down

Secound attempt…a synchronized set of punches by her opponents down her again…

Suddenly steve starts shaking (ultimate warrior style remember him?) she grabs the bottom rope shaking violently apparently the blows being dealt to her are doing no harm…she eventually gets to the top rope….still shaking…

That’s when Manteo Secret Police get involved thowing two steel chairs into the ring…both of which are planted on Steve’s brow….She’s bleeding…rather alarmingly…AR215 tells MixedAssRachel to go start her car…MAR grabs her keys and runs to the parking lot….meanwhile AR215 is beating the hell out of a near crippled steve…the crowd’s initial cheers are turning to gasps and eventually silence….

MAR is backing the car down the ramp in the arena getting ready to pick up her soon victorious sister when her rear-view camera goes out…all the sudden she veers wildly into the crowd!!!!  Her moisture sensing windshield wipers turn on automatically making a mess out of her vision in the front as well…she is now blind…back on path for a second but then…OH NO WHAT’S THIS!?!?

She smashes into the ring….AR215 is flung to the ground…MAR has locked herself into her car…although she is a smart woman…the automobile eludes her…

Steve wipes her mouth tries to get up…but falls…

What’s this!  when did he get a ticket….a ‘BIG TICKET’ if you catch my Mother fucking drift….’Hey steve’ yells Kevin Garnett…  “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!”

Steve pops to her feet kung-fu style…and makes a rush at an AR215 who is gathering herself in the corner of the ring

“Folks i think she’s going for it…this could be it…it is…its the coat check dive..steve signature move!!!”  

(if you arent familiar with this…steve lost her coat check number during wild out 09…not wanting to hear about having to wait for her coat she dove in through the drapes…got her coat and dove back out)

Steve careens into AR215 who is facing the corner of the ring….she is plastered into the corner..steve rolls her up and goes for the pin..

(Manteo secret police are busy trying to help out MAR who at this point has a turn signal stuck on)

1…

2…..

3!!!!!!!!

Do you believe in miracles folks?!?!?

Steve the underdog of this tournament has taken an improbable victory in the first round!!!

In a great show of sportsmanship AR215 and Steve shake hands…but AR215 takes the microphone and says…”i smelled blood and i want more!  there will be a rematch”

OK BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER…DISCLAIMER!!!

Please realize this is a blog…the banter before this match-up got suprisingly heated…this is just a blog…a DUMB BLOG…that about 50 people read daily…nothing big…nothing worth ruining friendships over or having actual feelings of anger or hatred about…especially about an NCAA style 2008 wrap-up tourney…Keep in mind if you made the list you obviously have a place with all of us…also keep in mind…in other match ups Ant was shot twice and beaten before the president elect managed to paralyze himself…

That’s all i’ve got to say…any voicemails, or texts regarding the results will be ignored…If anyone is honestly pissed…im sorry…but that’s just sad.

BACK TO BUSINESS…

 

THE SECOND ROUND:

(left side)

Rudy Day Vs. The Steve Saga

Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm (AKA injuries suffered in 08)

 (Right side)

Overnight Vs. Vegas

Beach Vs. Wild Out 2009

As before comments left as votes for these match-ups will sway results as i already have favorites picked out which i wont list this time…

 

Seacrest out?  seriously always thought dude was gay…gotta be out by now

Oh JMU Mike i appreciate your friendship…i had a dream you died in vegas while we were on vacation a mom trying to feed her baby a bottle while driving accidently forced you into an oncoming semi-truck…that dream freaked me out…i was actually sad going to work…hope you’re not dead…and watch out for moms in maroon vans preparing food for their children for atleast the next couple weeks.

Spent!


Permalink 8 Comments

Are you ready? Some first round results…

January 9, 2009 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so i don’t want this tourney to stall…and even without enough comments i can still announce the winners of a few matchups…

Matches to be covered.

Rudy Day Vs. Play in Game

Play in game

Obama Vs. Bodily Injury

Overnight Vs. Abstinence 

 

As customary with any NCAA tourney…we start with the play-in game.

Pirate Mike’s Pirating Vs. JMU Mike’s Pizzone incident…

Alright folks as we all know this is just a formality…The winner of this game is sure to face impending doom when matched up with Rudy Day…but hey..these little guys made the cut…time for their moment of fame and recognition.

We start off with JMU mike using circular logic leading to no where which has both dazed and confused pirate mike…he’s all in a tizzy!  

JMU Mike places the phone in Pirate Mike’s hand after dialing pizza hut…looks like JMU Mike might be taking this one…the order is placed…but at the last moment not only does JMU Mike find out he’s not getting his pizzone for a dollar…he’s not even getting that shit full price..

He looks over across the room only to find out that Pirate Mike has found a way to Pirate all of Pizza Hut’s Food….  

JMU Mike is down for the count..

Winner: Pirate Mike.

First fight full of suprises and excitement…now lets lead the lamb to slaughter…

Pirate Mike’s Pirating Vs. Rudy Day

The Number One Seed in the tourney and you can see why…look at Rudy Day coming out…just carrying itself like a Championship contender…matching authentic jerseys and a swagger that can’t be matched…On the other side of things…Pirate Mike’s team is all wearing Fila Warm-Ups and when they take them off they have fake watches and Pirated Gucci shirts…complete with fake Jordans…yeah that’s right…they are wearing the ‘Jumpmans’ and trying to tell everyone they are the real deal…while this is occurring Rudy Day has already racked up the score to a point that looks to be impossible to come back from…

eventually half-time hits..

The Pirate Mike’s never come out of the locker room…they all are waiting for their downloaded movies to finish on their laptops…

Winner by DQ  Rudy Day

With the first actual first round game over you can’t really say there have been any suprises so far…well..lets keep rolling…on to an interesting match-up

Bodily Injury Vs. Obama

We’re in a packed house on here in DC for one of the strangest match ups in history…the president elect vs people hurting themselves…the sell out crowd is going nuts

(suddenly the lights go out)

Oh man…Obama’s coming out to his You Tube Sensation theme song…Obama obama obama obama… oba oba.  You gotta like that…most powerful man in the world…AND he has his own theme music…he’s just going to pick up the microphone when…

(strobe lights and smoke)

Ant, literally the face of bodily injury emerges from the curtains to a theme song of shrieks..splashing water…and falling freight…

Its go time…Obama immediatly just sits in the corner while the secret service start working over Ant…which really just seems to make a stronger point for bodily harm winning…it really doesn’t take long…a few rounds are pumped into bodily injury and it looks like its all over…

(Obama climbs up to the top rope and grabs a mic)

Yes we can…yes i did…JUST KICK THAT ASS

(as his theme music comes on Obama falls off of the turnbuckle…out of the ring and it seems as though he has paralyzed himself…)

Ant picks what’s left of himself off of the mat and raises his hand in triumph 

Winner: Bodily Harm

Our final match up of the day has actually ended in forfeit when Lack of Sex realized that overnight was really a major cause of itself and so conceeds in order to give Overnight more rest and a better shot at the title…

Winner: Overnight..

Ok so here’s how round 2 is shaping up…

Rudy Day Vs. Hester/steve saga… At first i thought the Hesters were going to take this one by a landslide but after steve’s comment and sports references it looks like this has fight of the year written all over it.

Bodily Harm Vs. Club 215/Cookouts…  After Bodily harm’s shocking win will it be able to follow it up against the winner of another match currently too close to call? 

Overnight Vs. Ultra bar/vegas…. Sin city vs birthdays and almost spending the night in the woods…i feel like it could basically be the same thing just different location…

Looks like everything else is too close to call….keep those comments coming…

Seacrest Out


Permalink 6 Comments

Holy God! Its a 2008 Wrap-up…March Madness Style

January 8, 2009 at 2:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so this is how it is going to work…I have come up with two brackets so far…the one we will be covering today is the Social/Life Events of 2008.

 

I’m going to go over the matchups first…to show you the bracket….then we will do a brief run down…i already have winners picked…but comment with your choices and it will sway the outcome..

2008 ‘Events Bracket’ World Class Universal Championship of Everything

First Round Matchups

(left side)

Match 1:

(1)Rudy Day

Vs.

(16) Play In Winner (Pirate Mike’s Continued Pirating Vs. The JMU Mike Pizzone Incident)

The case for Rudy Day:  Its not every day you have a holiday thrown in your honor…and definitely not one that’s sprung in secret.  I was prepared for yet another summer cookout but I instead came home to insanity…complete with custom shirts with my face on them, ping pong balls also with said image, cheesy roll-ups from Taco Bell, Streamers, Balloons, Bags containing my favorite liquors in airplane shots to hand out to guests, beer olympics.  You can see why this is the one that goes against the play-in game.

Play In Game:  You know its going to lose…but here is the match up.

Pirate Mike’s Pirating: Its how he got his nickname…Pirate mike currently has all of the awards show copies of all of the picture of the year nominees…yeah…he’s that good…

The Pizzone Incident:  Also known as the order heard round the world and the $1 that almost tore holes in friendships.  JMU Mike decided that he would try to add on a Pizzone to our pizza hut order…only catch….he’ll only get the pizzone if he gets to pay $1 for it…I order a full pizza for $15 but he will only get the pizzone if he gets it with the deal for $1.

This analyst predicts: Rudy Day…All day….and Pirate Mike taking the play in.

Match 2:

(8)The Christina ‘Steve’ Saga

Vs.

(9)The Hesters

The Steve Saga:

It started when she came over and someone misheard her name…from then on…she has been known as Steve.  I realized the damage my shit talk is capable…it started like any other night of my showboating shit talking sarcastic beer pong style…it ended in me launching balls from down the hall and beating her…Round 1…me.  Next she came over and i bet that i could beat her with my eyes closed for a whole game and if she won i would pay her bar tab next time we went out…Well…between beating her…and conducting a post-game interview…she was not happy…the last straw was a sarcastic facebooking incident leading ultimately to a de-friending…who thought that making fun of a girl for throwing up in a hallway…making fun of beer pong skills and the such would have an adverse affect on a relationship.  A few months ago the feud came to an end with a Middle East peace agreement style handshake…

The Hesters:

Key organizers of Rudy Day…Killer High Fives…Lack of driving skills…Niceness…Fluent Spanish…Sister Dating…Long-Term girlfriend…drunkness…a great round of never have i ever…the owning of an outer banks island…it runs the entire gambit..

Prediction: The Hesters….its not often for someone to loath me as much as steve did at one time…but its the Hesters we are talking about…a direct impact felt on 215 and fairfax towers as a whole.

Match 3:

(6)Club 215 opens its doors

Vs.

(11)Summer Cookouts

Club 215:

Has become an every weekend staple…known throughout fairfax towers…founding memebers Ant, Rudy, Pirate Mike….eventually has started to merge with 516 to make a super-club the likes of which have never been seen. Also worth noting..lead to the hesters.

Summer Cookouts:

Noise Violation on 4th of July…enough said really…oh throw in Ant’s diving off of a life guard chair and going to a hospital…awesome burgers and JMU Mike relations.  Debut of Chris T. , Rhonda’s Birthday…

Prediction: Cookouts…so much happened.

Match 4:

(4) Obama

Vs.

(13) Bodily Injury Suffered

Bodily Injury:  I almost broke my arm at work when a pallet about 7-8 feet up fell on me…Ant went to the hospital twice cementing water as his personal kryptonite…once with a broken bottle winning over flesh…the second involved the bottom of a swimming pool winning out over…well…his face.

Obama: Obama fever swept the nation and the first black president was elected.

Prediction: Bodily Harm…what the hell has Obama done in 08…nothing…just stirred the pot…shame on you Obama…get back to me when you achieve something…eh..eh…am i right or what…Bodily Harm directly effected me and my group of friends.

(Right side)

Match 1

(2)Working Overnight

Vs.

(15)Accidental Abstinence 

Overnight: There would be no Rudy Day without me being overnight…no blog…no raise…big impact indeed.

Accidental Abstinence: While it is a product of being overnight my streak of 6 months is impressive non the less…

Prediction: Overnight hands down.

Match 2:

(7)Ultra bar/NOVA bear grylls/how i got my iPhone

Vs.

(10)Vegas

Ultra Bar: Involved me getting rejected 16Xs in a row by women…leading to me taking the metro back without telling anyone…cab with suspended license dropped me off and i got lost in the woods…lost my phone and entered the apartment a broken man.

Vegas: Skydiving…Much Money Made…Strip Clubs…VIP Tables….Giving beer to the homless…the trip had it all.

Vote: Vegas

Match 3

My favorite match-up of the tourney.

(5)The Beach Trip

Vs.

(12)Pirate Mike…”Little Guy” Jokes

The Beach: The real world style video was shot…ant’s life was in shambles…double digit beers consumed in about an hour and a half…Using bangarang as a war cry against high school kids…lack of women….MixedAssRaechel even makes an appearance.

Little guy: If you’ve been reading this blog you know about little guy jokes…Mike being in a sailor outfit on Navy Pier…Mike taking is Fisher Price Plastic Red and Yellow car into garages for emission tests…Hitting an unsuspected little guy in the head with a large snowball knocking off his glasses and beanie….the propeller hat.  

Vote: But i’m saying though…i smell an upset.

Match 4:

(3)Wild Out 2009

Vs.

(14)Life in shambles

Wild Out 2009: Coming in as the latest possible entry despite its hard pronunciation of the ‘D’ in wild.  A night of drunkenness.  A night of dancing.  A night of imitating bouncers.  Random snap decisions leading to yet another cab ride for me.  The start of a new year.

Life In Shambles: I can’t count the number of times i heard ant say that his life was in shambles…and i can’t count the number of times he picked up those scraps and came back stronger than ever. Plus he has announced the phrases retirement effective as of ’09.

Vote: We Wilded out like it was still 08

 

Well that’s it for the first round match-ups for the Events category….Tomorrow or Sat. after tallies of votes and after i write the next bracket i will do blow by blow commentary on each matchup…as well as post game thoughts.

Lets get the votes in!

Permalink 12 Comments