3D Movies, Dorm Parties, Religion, Alcohol…what else is there in life?
So i was just thinking…The movie “million dollar baby” would have been much better if it was about a talking millionaire baby…The trailer would be all serious looking…then the announcer kicks in…”It seemed like just any other day in Beverly Hills…but BABY…you don’t know the half of it…(cue baby popping out with monicle) Rob Schneider is…Million Dollar Baby. Find out what happens when you give a baby that doesn’t know how to say no…OR SPEAK FOR THAT MATTER…all the money…and problems a baby could ask for…Coming Christmas 2009″
Guess what…worst case scenario its 100Xs funnier than the real million dollar baby….Cuz seriously that movie got to be a bit of a drag when you realized you had to watch wack ass Hillary Swank paralyzed for another hour and a half…if Clint would have pulled the plug and hour earlier it could have been better.
Being the resident expert on religion….ponder this for me…
Catholics think that when you sneeze you are expelling your sins…that’s why you say bless you.
So why don’t you say that after someone takes a shit?
Because we all get rid of some much worse stuff out of that end…so i think whenever you walk into a bathroom that has just blown up you need to seek out the suspect and yell bless you…or peace be with you or something.
As lame as this outburst of 3D Movies and shows is…i realized it would make a good date…reason being…you can’t really take opinions of someone wearing those glasses seriously…you can just let it all fly…worst case scenario…some ridiculous person sitting next to you disproves of you and you watch shit jump out of the screen but someone not hit your face…Wins and Smiles all around!
So working out has taught me two things…i REALLY should get back to the doctor…when your working out is going on and then all the sudden your stomach starts hurting and you start sweating…bad news…I’ve been light headed before while lifting…and i hadn’t lifted in a while but almost blacking out and then having the chills for a while probably isn’t very good. #2 i’m an even bigger sucker for buying an iPhone before the 3G came out….I decided to take headphones with me to the gym…when i took them out to answer a call my phone for whatever reason hasn’t recognized them being taken out…meaning i have no sound…i can do speaker phone…i can do headphones…just not normal fucking phone…And the apple site has nothing on it to relate to this dilemma so if you call me and you hear too much going on in the backround or i’m shouting because i can never figure out the appropriate tone of speaker phone…my bad…its nothing personal…and i can’t help it…so if you have anything embarrassing to say…do it over text…a comment on this blog…or quickly in a low tone over the phone…because those are the best ways to avoid a lot of people finding out about your situation…
Like Ant…no one knows you just spent $100 on two Snuggies…but that’s only because you were lucky that no one was around when you called…cuz that shit was on speaker…
Its like i have my own Candid Camera….Guess what…you’re on speaker…you dumb son of a bitch
So i’ve found out that amount of alcohol doesn’t have as much effect on me vs. the actual type of alcohol…
Beer: ‘I’m A MAN!!!’ Tolerance: 12-18 beers…nothing outside the ordinary for a JMU grad in a fraternity with a love of beer pong
Wine: I’m a bitch…I have about two glasses and i have a headache…stomach is fucked up…and i’m way more drunk than i should be.
Liquor: I think i could hang with Alexander Ovechkin and other Russkies when it comes to my vodka…count me in for a 5th
Malt Liquor: Hmmm…my downfall…also see wine. You get a little crazier with malt liquor..and your stomach sours quicker. I’ve never had more than three 40’s on most nights i’m just good for two and then i’m just all cranky from the way its made me feel. I really can’t blame the angry hobos.
You know how you know Hitler was a bad man…he ruined a mustache style for humanity…granted it wasn’t SUPER popular before that…but guess what Charlie Chaplin for those that didn’t know when you did the bulk of your comedy…they’ll just assume you hated Jews….And the only time you are able to sport the hitler ‘stache is either a) during halloween,not as hitler…cuz its not even ok then…you could get away with stalin…Ghengis Khan…Castro…THE FUCKING DEVIL…but Hitler is in a whole nother league my friend. So you would be of course going the Chaplin route. B) if you are making your own Chaplin or Hitler documentary….I’ve got a groundbreaking idea though….do a hybrid…a silent movie based on how Charlie Chaplin would do a serious version of Hitler…that shit would be riveting.
We are having a Dorm Party Sat. at club 215…if you know of 215 and you can read this you can also attend….The living room will be transformed into a dorm and only music from the college days with be eligible.
You know what was great about drinking in the dorms…the SWAT like planning and danger involved….It was quite the process as a Freshman…First, find someone in your hall that has a fake, knows of an upper classman that used to go to their school, or search out the person from your high school whom you have very loose ties that graduated before you and who you communicate briefly about a time or two a week over AIM to keep up appearances like your could be friends..
Then you have to work out a pick up spot….Normally you would get the car to park in the middle of the parking lot…
Then you pick your device for very sneaky concealment…ok lets be honest it was two things…either a duffle bag or a back pack…(though our RAs weren’t strict so i remember one time carrying a case up the stairs that just had a sheet over it.) Then you jam as many cases..or loose beers into the container….Not even Dick Tracy could get to the bottom of your operation…as you walk up the stairs with your smug satisfaction knowing what you’ve just pulled off (the whole time your bag is a perfect square almost bursting at the seams since you have fit all the beer possible in it…any less space the RA could read the writing on the box and find out if you’re drinking Natty or Beast)
Next you get it to the room…you walk in as a hero….You do a half assed job of hiding any empties…
About a half hour later you unscrew your closet door…and there you go…
You’ve just experienced a JMU beer run…
That reminds me…i think i’m going to need to buy a new mug…freshman and sophomore year i had ‘pedro’ me and JMU Mike bought these kick ass huge mugs from Wal-Mart for 1.50. To distinguish between them i put some tape on the bottom and then eventually wrote Pedro on the bottom…along with getting decent grades…chugging pedro was my goal freshman year…and boy did i ever! (i only ended it like that because i realized…’Chugging Pedro doesn’t sound even close to quickly drinking a large mug of beer’ thus making it funnier in my head)
I was in the shower and told myself one day i’d be so rich i could shower in gold…until i realized i had just set my goal to someday receiving a ‘golden shower’ so that one is going to be scrapped…or atleast put on the back burner.
While you finished reading this Pirate Mike just downloaded my version of ‘million dollar baby’ just to see if he could…if it’s out there he’ll get it….Just Do It! Mike you should pirate that slogan…Nike doesn’t use it anymore…and it really refers to your piratical style.
Mother Effin S Balls! Round One Is Over!
It has been an interesting few days since the tournament has begun…much anticipation has built up…words thrown around carelessly like bullets from guns owned by Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones after going out on the town.
Here’s the fight card for tonight folks
Warm-up
Club 215 opens Vs. Summer Cookouts.
Ultra Bar Vs. Vegas
Getting warmer…
The Beach Vs. Little Guy Jokes
Oh my lord…oh Jeeze…oh man…for fucks sake no…
THE MAIN EVENT!!!
Hesters Vs. Steve
So lets get to it…
Match 1: Club 215 Vs. Summer Cookouts
The competitors are already warming up…as we bring you this fight live from an elementary school playground in Falls Church VA. Fans number in the teens both in age and numbers for what doesn’t appear to be a very exciting fight…Fuck i know we get paid for this…but seriously…they are both obviously drunk.
*The ref brings them together for a handshake*
Cookouts yells…NO YOU ARE
215 Vomits all over ref
They start swinging wildly at each other however nothing is connecting. Cookout throws a ping pong ball by the see-saw and yells ‘your shot 215’. 215 stumbles over to pick it up when Cookout stomps on the other end of the see-saw smashing 215’s nuts.
215 is stumbling around looking for where the beer pong rack went off to and concentrating on not pissing large amounts of blood.
Cookout is lured over to the crowd by a school administrator after being told a noise complaint is being placed against him after the girlish scream just unleashed seconds earlier…While Cookout is having this conversation trying to convince everyone it is really 215’s fault….Out of left-field 215 sprints towards cookout And spears cookout through a metal slide… unfortunately while kids are still sliding down it….Its a sight of pure carnage…215 starts beating cookout senseless with children’s limbs…the fight rages on until night…which 215 didn’t realize until now is cookout’s weakness…at that time 215 fires up its well known black lights…now giving it a distinct advantage since its wearing a dark shirt…Cookout is wearing all white and has lit up like a candle. Cookout is blindsided with a beer pong table to the temple and looks like is out for good.
Winner: Club 215
….well…thank god that match is over…on to the next…
Match II: Ultrabar Vs. Vegas
Vegas took a private plane to get here…while Ultrabar stumbled through miles of woods until it got within sight of the arena…starting it with an obvious disadvantage after being cut up and now worn out…Vegas hookers pull up to give Ultrabar a ‘helping hand’ Ultrabar has learned nothing from taking questionable rides in the past and gets in….The Hookers beat Ultrabar silly…The wind up finding ultrabar days later sucking its thumb and complaining of painful urination…Meanwhile vegas is throwing its own party in the actual ultrabar vip.
Winner: Vegas Baby….Vegas
Ok…now for the closest of the match ups
I don’t feel like doing another fight summary for this one…
Match 3: Pirate Mike “Little Guy” Jokes Vs. The Beach Trip
Points to consider for the beach: Drinking started at about 9am every day….a real world confessional was recorded in which fat night vision rudy was created…and Ant looking like the Hoff also surfaced. JMU Mike dressed up like me and shaved in the same facial hair and took pictures it looked too close to call…Ants life was in shambles every morning…bangarang ruled the day…air banding…sun burn….consuming about 10-15 beers a person in about 2 hours in the craziest short span of drinking seen in the history of that house..
Points for Little Guy Jokes: Applicable in many situations…keeps fairfax towers entertained…can brighten a cloudy day…gives Pirate Mike options while on business trips..ITS REALLY FUNNY…i can’t give this justice…just ask the hesters, ant,JMU Mike, Rhonda, Aaron…any of them…
After matching this up…at first i thought it was going to be Little Guy jokes all the way…but although they have recently been suspended they will be a part of 2009 whereas there will never be another beach trip 2008.
Winner Beach Trip
As i type this the earth is shaking…time is ripping apart… thunderous applause and stomping feets are to be heard from miles around….the challengers are being flown in..
THE MAIN EVENT!
The Hesters Vs. The Steve Saga!!!
I would like to give a little backround on this one because i think it is necessary…if you refer to the previous posts you know what the circumstances were…since then verbal barbs were thrown all around and talks of friendships ending have arisen.
Steve kept on saying “name the terms” When we sent a representative over to indeed ‘state the terms’ steve smacked the mic out of his hand…said done deal! then broke the camera and dennis rodman groin kicked the camera man…before they could pick themselves off the ground all you could hear was the sound of 45lb plates sliding onto bars…it appears it is on.
The Hesters waited longer to reply…although originally marked as favorites by vegas odds makers their silence until the last day or two has drawn the odds close to even…
Will Steve’s inspirational quotes and comments be enough to topple the favorites…The Hesters….We’ll see…up next…live…from the Verizon Center…
*Break for commercial*
Vince here for Shamwow! Showing you why you’ll be saying wow everytime! Get in here camera guy take a look at this…There is a reason why Shamwow! has been chosen as the official corner man towel of the main event…When dunked in this bowl of pigs blood, sweat, and saliva…the shamwow! conquers all…Slap some shamwow!s to your shoes for extra grip…glue them to across your eyebrows to keep your eyes clear of sweat and locked on their targets…like they should be…The possibilities are endless!
AND WE’RE BACK!
Introducing first….wearing a blue singlet…4’3″ of sass and crass….STEEEVE
*Steve enters to hulk hogan’s original song “i’m just an american man…” She’s coming out hacksaw jim duggan style (with a 2X4 and a large american flag) she stops halfway down the ramp on the way to the ring to put down her lumber…give a thumbs up and wave the flag around a bit…She enters the ring gives one more thumbs up..but suddenly…the lights go out…steve looks shocked*
With no warning….The Empire theme from Star Wars blares over the PA system…About 50 soldiers from the Manteo NC secret police force come out in full riot gear and surround the ring…All the sudden a banner drops from the ceiling showing the hester sisters…frank and mom hester looking over their island…A spotlight finds Frank who is standing an saluting his flag…
(historical note, it is said that much like Kim Jong Il in N.Korea, it is mandatory in Manteo to have a picture of Frank in your center room, it must be cleaned daily and whispered sweet nothings with the promises of punishment by the secret police if violated)
The sisters emerge in black military uniforms heavily decorated…AdoptedRoommate215’s uniform enblazened with many pins and medals from previous campaigns….MixedAssRachel’s is papered with degrees and smiley faces…and the force known as the two older hester sisters has assembled like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado wrapped in an erupting volcano…and is now gaining speed towards the ring…
MAR= MixedAssRachel AR215=you get the picture…
*Ding Ding Ding*
The Fight has started folks…Steve rushes at the sisters and hits both quickly with the 2X4 M.A.R is dazed only momentarily while the 2X4 breaks over a laughing AR215. Steve looks shocked as she takes a double clothesline to the throat…she is writhing on the ground in pain…the Hesters high-five and show boat a little bit…
Steve attempts to get up…She is kicked back down
Secound attempt…a synchronized set of punches by her opponents down her again…
Suddenly steve starts shaking (ultimate warrior style remember him?) she grabs the bottom rope shaking violently apparently the blows being dealt to her are doing no harm…she eventually gets to the top rope….still shaking…
That’s when Manteo Secret Police get involved thowing two steel chairs into the ring…both of which are planted on Steve’s brow….She’s bleeding…rather alarmingly…AR215 tells MixedAssRachel to go start her car…MAR grabs her keys and runs to the parking lot….meanwhile AR215 is beating the hell out of a near crippled steve…the crowd’s initial cheers are turning to gasps and eventually silence….
MAR is backing the car down the ramp in the arena getting ready to pick up her soon victorious sister when her rear-view camera goes out…all the sudden she veers wildly into the crowd!!!! Her moisture sensing windshield wipers turn on automatically making a mess out of her vision in the front as well…she is now blind…back on path for a second but then…OH NO WHAT’S THIS!?!?
She smashes into the ring….AR215 is flung to the ground…MAR has locked herself into her car…although she is a smart woman…the automobile eludes her…
Steve wipes her mouth tries to get up…but falls…
What’s this! when did he get a ticket….a ‘BIG TICKET’ if you catch my Mother fucking drift….’Hey steve’ yells Kevin Garnett… “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!”
Steve pops to her feet kung-fu style…and makes a rush at an AR215 who is gathering herself in the corner of the ring
“Folks i think she’s going for it…this could be it…it is…its the coat check dive..steve signature move!!!”
(if you arent familiar with this…steve lost her coat check number during wild out 09…not wanting to hear about having to wait for her coat she dove in through the drapes…got her coat and dove back out)
Steve careens into AR215 who is facing the corner of the ring….she is plastered into the corner..steve rolls her up and goes for the pin..
(Manteo secret police are busy trying to help out MAR who at this point has a turn signal stuck on)
1…
2…..
3!!!!!!!!
Do you believe in miracles folks?!?!?
Steve the underdog of this tournament has taken an improbable victory in the first round!!!
In a great show of sportsmanship AR215 and Steve shake hands…but AR215 takes the microphone and says…”i smelled blood and i want more! there will be a rematch”
OK BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER…DISCLAIMER!!!
Please realize this is a blog…the banter before this match-up got suprisingly heated…this is just a blog…a DUMB BLOG…that about 50 people read daily…nothing big…nothing worth ruining friendships over or having actual feelings of anger or hatred about…especially about an NCAA style 2008 wrap-up tourney…Keep in mind if you made the list you obviously have a place with all of us…also keep in mind…in other match ups Ant was shot twice and beaten before the president elect managed to paralyze himself…
That’s all i’ve got to say…any voicemails, or texts regarding the results will be ignored…If anyone is honestly pissed…im sorry…but that’s just sad.
BACK TO BUSINESS…
THE SECOND ROUND:
(left side)
Rudy Day Vs. The Steve Saga
Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm (AKA injuries suffered in 08)
(Right side)
Overnight Vs. Vegas
Beach Vs. Wild Out 2009
As before comments left as votes for these match-ups will sway results as i already have favorites picked out which i wont list this time…
Seacrest out? seriously always thought dude was gay…gotta be out by now
Oh JMU Mike i appreciate your friendship…i had a dream you died in vegas while we were on vacation a mom trying to feed her baby a bottle while driving accidently forced you into an oncoming semi-truck…that dream freaked me out…i was actually sad going to work…hope you’re not dead…and watch out for moms in maroon vans preparing food for their children for atleast the next couple weeks.
Spent!
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 