Mother Effin S Balls! Round One Is Over!
It has been an interesting few days since the tournament has begun…much anticipation has built up…words thrown around carelessly like bullets from guns owned by Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones after going out on the town.
Here’s the fight card for tonight folks
Warm-up
Club 215 opens Vs. Summer Cookouts.
Ultra Bar Vs. Vegas
Getting warmer…
The Beach Vs. Little Guy Jokes
Oh my lord…oh Jeeze…oh man…for fucks sake no…
THE MAIN EVENT!!!
Hesters Vs. Steve
So lets get to it…
Match 1: Club 215 Vs. Summer Cookouts
The competitors are already warming up…as we bring you this fight live from an elementary school playground in Falls Church VA. Fans number in the teens both in age and numbers for what doesn’t appear to be a very exciting fight…Fuck i know we get paid for this…but seriously…they are both obviously drunk.
*The ref brings them together for a handshake*
Cookouts yells…NO YOU ARE
215 Vomits all over ref
They start swinging wildly at each other however nothing is connecting. Cookout throws a ping pong ball by the see-saw and yells ‘your shot 215’. 215 stumbles over to pick it up when Cookout stomps on the other end of the see-saw smashing 215’s nuts.
215 is stumbling around looking for where the beer pong rack went off to and concentrating on not pissing large amounts of blood.
Cookout is lured over to the crowd by a school administrator after being told a noise complaint is being placed against him after the girlish scream just unleashed seconds earlier…While Cookout is having this conversation trying to convince everyone it is really 215’s fault….Out of left-field 215 sprints towards cookout And spears cookout through a metal slide… unfortunately while kids are still sliding down it….Its a sight of pure carnage…215 starts beating cookout senseless with children’s limbs…the fight rages on until night…which 215 didn’t realize until now is cookout’s weakness…at that time 215 fires up its well known black lights…now giving it a distinct advantage since its wearing a dark shirt…Cookout is wearing all white and has lit up like a candle. Cookout is blindsided with a beer pong table to the temple and looks like is out for good.
Winner: Club 215
….well…thank god that match is over…on to the next…
Match II: Ultrabar Vs. Vegas
Vegas took a private plane to get here…while Ultrabar stumbled through miles of woods until it got within sight of the arena…starting it with an obvious disadvantage after being cut up and now worn out…Vegas hookers pull up to give Ultrabar a ‘helping hand’ Ultrabar has learned nothing from taking questionable rides in the past and gets in….The Hookers beat Ultrabar silly…The wind up finding ultrabar days later sucking its thumb and complaining of painful urination…Meanwhile vegas is throwing its own party in the actual ultrabar vip.
Winner: Vegas Baby….Vegas
Ok…now for the closest of the match ups
I don’t feel like doing another fight summary for this one…
Match 3: Pirate Mike “Little Guy” Jokes Vs. The Beach Trip
Points to consider for the beach: Drinking started at about 9am every day….a real world confessional was recorded in which fat night vision rudy was created…and Ant looking like the Hoff also surfaced. JMU Mike dressed up like me and shaved in the same facial hair and took pictures it looked too close to call…Ants life was in shambles every morning…bangarang ruled the day…air banding…sun burn….consuming about 10-15 beers a person in about 2 hours in the craziest short span of drinking seen in the history of that house..
Points for Little Guy Jokes: Applicable in many situations…keeps fairfax towers entertained…can brighten a cloudy day…gives Pirate Mike options while on business trips..ITS REALLY FUNNY…i can’t give this justice…just ask the hesters, ant,JMU Mike, Rhonda, Aaron…any of them…
After matching this up…at first i thought it was going to be Little Guy jokes all the way…but although they have recently been suspended they will be a part of 2009 whereas there will never be another beach trip 2008.
Winner Beach Trip
As i type this the earth is shaking…time is ripping apart… thunderous applause and stomping feets are to be heard from miles around….the challengers are being flown in..
THE MAIN EVENT!
The Hesters Vs. The Steve Saga!!!
I would like to give a little backround on this one because i think it is necessary…if you refer to the previous posts you know what the circumstances were…since then verbal barbs were thrown all around and talks of friendships ending have arisen.
Steve kept on saying “name the terms” When we sent a representative over to indeed ‘state the terms’ steve smacked the mic out of his hand…said done deal! then broke the camera and dennis rodman groin kicked the camera man…before they could pick themselves off the ground all you could hear was the sound of 45lb plates sliding onto bars…it appears it is on.
The Hesters waited longer to reply…although originally marked as favorites by vegas odds makers their silence until the last day or two has drawn the odds close to even…
Will Steve’s inspirational quotes and comments be enough to topple the favorites…The Hesters….We’ll see…up next…live…from the Verizon Center…
*Break for commercial*
Vince here for Shamwow! Showing you why you’ll be saying wow everytime! Get in here camera guy take a look at this…There is a reason why Shamwow! has been chosen as the official corner man towel of the main event…When dunked in this bowl of pigs blood, sweat, and saliva…the shamwow! conquers all…Slap some shamwow!s to your shoes for extra grip…glue them to across your eyebrows to keep your eyes clear of sweat and locked on their targets…like they should be…The possibilities are endless!
AND WE’RE BACK!
Introducing first….wearing a blue singlet…4’3″ of sass and crass….STEEEVE
*Steve enters to hulk hogan’s original song “i’m just an american man…” She’s coming out hacksaw jim duggan style (with a 2X4 and a large american flag) she stops halfway down the ramp on the way to the ring to put down her lumber…give a thumbs up and wave the flag around a bit…She enters the ring gives one more thumbs up..but suddenly…the lights go out…steve looks shocked*
With no warning….The Empire theme from Star Wars blares over the PA system…About 50 soldiers from the Manteo NC secret police force come out in full riot gear and surround the ring…All the sudden a banner drops from the ceiling showing the hester sisters…frank and mom hester looking over their island…A spotlight finds Frank who is standing an saluting his flag…
(historical note, it is said that much like Kim Jong Il in N.Korea, it is mandatory in Manteo to have a picture of Frank in your center room, it must be cleaned daily and whispered sweet nothings with the promises of punishment by the secret police if violated)
The sisters emerge in black military uniforms heavily decorated…AdoptedRoommate215’s uniform enblazened with many pins and medals from previous campaigns….MixedAssRachel’s is papered with degrees and smiley faces…and the force known as the two older hester sisters has assembled like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado wrapped in an erupting volcano…and is now gaining speed towards the ring…
MAR= MixedAssRachel AR215=you get the picture…
*Ding Ding Ding*
The Fight has started folks…Steve rushes at the sisters and hits both quickly with the 2X4 M.A.R is dazed only momentarily while the 2X4 breaks over a laughing AR215. Steve looks shocked as she takes a double clothesline to the throat…she is writhing on the ground in pain…the Hesters high-five and show boat a little bit…
Steve attempts to get up…She is kicked back down
Secound attempt…a synchronized set of punches by her opponents down her again…
Suddenly steve starts shaking (ultimate warrior style remember him?) she grabs the bottom rope shaking violently apparently the blows being dealt to her are doing no harm…she eventually gets to the top rope….still shaking…
That’s when Manteo Secret Police get involved thowing two steel chairs into the ring…both of which are planted on Steve’s brow….She’s bleeding…rather alarmingly…AR215 tells MixedAssRachel to go start her car…MAR grabs her keys and runs to the parking lot….meanwhile AR215 is beating the hell out of a near crippled steve…the crowd’s initial cheers are turning to gasps and eventually silence….
MAR is backing the car down the ramp in the arena getting ready to pick up her soon victorious sister when her rear-view camera goes out…all the sudden she veers wildly into the crowd!!!! Her moisture sensing windshield wipers turn on automatically making a mess out of her vision in the front as well…she is now blind…back on path for a second but then…OH NO WHAT’S THIS!?!?
She smashes into the ring….AR215 is flung to the ground…MAR has locked herself into her car…although she is a smart woman…the automobile eludes her…
Steve wipes her mouth tries to get up…but falls…
What’s this! when did he get a ticket….a ‘BIG TICKET’ if you catch my Mother fucking drift….’Hey steve’ yells Kevin Garnett… “ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!”
Steve pops to her feet kung-fu style…and makes a rush at an AR215 who is gathering herself in the corner of the ring
“Folks i think she’s going for it…this could be it…it is…its the coat check dive..steve signature move!!!”
(if you arent familiar with this…steve lost her coat check number during wild out 09…not wanting to hear about having to wait for her coat she dove in through the drapes…got her coat and dove back out)
Steve careens into AR215 who is facing the corner of the ring….she is plastered into the corner..steve rolls her up and goes for the pin..
(Manteo secret police are busy trying to help out MAR who at this point has a turn signal stuck on)
1…
2…..
3!!!!!!!!
Do you believe in miracles folks?!?!?
Steve the underdog of this tournament has taken an improbable victory in the first round!!!
In a great show of sportsmanship AR215 and Steve shake hands…but AR215 takes the microphone and says…”i smelled blood and i want more! there will be a rematch”
OK BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER…DISCLAIMER!!!
Please realize this is a blog…the banter before this match-up got suprisingly heated…this is just a blog…a DUMB BLOG…that about 50 people read daily…nothing big…nothing worth ruining friendships over or having actual feelings of anger or hatred about…especially about an NCAA style 2008 wrap-up tourney…Keep in mind if you made the list you obviously have a place with all of us…also keep in mind…in other match ups Ant was shot twice and beaten before the president elect managed to paralyze himself…
That’s all i’ve got to say…any voicemails, or texts regarding the results will be ignored…If anyone is honestly pissed…im sorry…but that’s just sad.
BACK TO BUSINESS…
THE SECOND ROUND:
(left side)
Rudy Day Vs. The Steve Saga
Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm (AKA injuries suffered in 08)
(Right side)
Overnight Vs. Vegas
Beach Vs. Wild Out 2009
As before comments left as votes for these match-ups will sway results as i already have favorites picked out which i wont list this time…
Seacrest out? seriously always thought dude was gay…gotta be out by now
Oh JMU Mike i appreciate your friendship…i had a dream you died in vegas while we were on vacation a mom trying to feed her baby a bottle while driving accidently forced you into an oncoming semi-truck…that dream freaked me out…i was actually sad going to work…hope you’re not dead…and watch out for moms in maroon vans preparing food for their children for atleast the next couple weeks.
Spent!
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 