First round conclusion (w. vietnam bracket)

January 23, 2010 at 10:44 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


I want to start an app on facebook.  It lets your plauge farmville farms with locusts or whatever other farm distroying thing you want.  It ONLY happens if someone hits you with a farmville update that clogs up your news feed.  It will keep my new feed condensed to just normal old stalking…AND punish those that are more concerned with telling me about their lonely brown cows.

Before we start this…You want to know what the worst possible headline a man could read.  “Woman Gets Pregnant Through Blowjob”

And with that its time to kick off the second half of the first round.

I’m your announcer Mitch Richmond….and am happy to be with you during day two of the tournament.

We kick it off in Western Vietnam with Kenny Powers throwing out the first pitch!!!

How the fuck do i get roped into this…a first pitch REALLY!?!? No baseball is being played…no ball will be used…what the fuck..this is the most unprofessional thing i’ve ever been involved in(mutters under his breath)

(sighs) Right down the plate…for some fucking reason…

Ok lets get this over so i can get paid (you hear crinkles and a pop and realize he has just opened a beer and pork rinds)

Match 1: Dead Celebs Vs. New Years

What’s this?!?! a treat for the fans…looks like we are re-creating thriller!!! Oh wait…..its just Michael Jackson before he died…that’s sad…and disapointing…(the fans quickly die down as they realize mj is just waving)  For the first time in his life Jackson is upstaged….BUT WAIT….THERE’S MORE……LIFE BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!! Zombie Billy Mays bursts through the curtains and the crowd goes fucking APE SHIT….he’s throwing out many of his products…sure to change lives…..

Mich Richmond: If Billy Mays was alive the crisis in Haiti would be over….all the houses would already be mighty puttied back together…end of fucking story.

Billy Signs a few pairs of breasts and blows a line off a stripers ass  *smack* billy gives it a quick spank and flips over the top ropes

Jackson is wearing his Harry Potter/court attire and just keeps blowing kisses

Suddenly some smoke and lasers start……the room gets dark….10…9…8..7…6…5…4…3…2..1..!!!!!2010!!!!!  Pyrotechnics go off and “tonights gonna be a good night” starts playing from the Black Eyed Peas…and drunkards start stumbling through the curtains half dancing…half making out.

Jerrad eats a hand full of chips…throws the rest at the dead celebs…and then passes out…this is going to be interesting…

NYE participant Ant starts with a running clothesline that takes down both Jacko and Mays….The crowd ROARS with approval…while ant is celebrating though he gets taken down by “Godzilla” who popped out of the other side of the ring and litterally eats him….Tough break ant…that’s what you get for looking so delicious to women all the time..

Pox picks up the daybead and annihalates godzilla.  put just then!!!!

fwap!  two Hercules Hooks slam into pox and billy mays throws him into the crowd…..He then says…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE….he Zorbies up the blood and rings it into Rudy’s eyes…blinding him….and without rudy’s knowledge he had a mighty switch installed into his heart….Billy states “this is an offer to die for” flips the switch and the defective product not only shuts off rudy’s heart but burns him.

JMU mike slams two Monster and Vodkas and then jams the empty cans into Billy’s eyes blinding him….Billy is bleeding profusely….

He does the unthinkable and hocks another persons product by putting on the (bullshit) HD vision glasses…solving all of his problems…

Mike is astonished and its about that time Jackson ties their wrists together and starts cutting him to ribbons with a switch blade all while inexplicably changing into a orange leather coat 

“that’s why he’s the greatest performer ever to live….or die folks” Richmond states

As they start to celebrate some unexpected music starts over the speakers

“I am a real american” starts BLARING over the loud speakers…..WHAT’S THIS!?!?!?

ALL 5’0″ nothing of crass and blue singlet with a purple overcoat appear….THE FANS GO FUCKING NUTS…

ITS LAST YEAR CINDERELLA….STEEEEEEEVE!

She’s waiving her same old flag….just like before…stumbling to the ring…She hands her flag to Hacksaw jim duggan and executes the coat check dive on both MJ and Mays….

only problem….Steve is a small lady….and the celebs catch he in mid air…They both slam her to the ground….mays shoves mighty putty in her nose and mouth….it hardens and the match is over.

“OOOOOOOH, A NEAR UPSET BY NYE 2009…but mays and jacko show why they are a top seed”

Winner: Dead Celebs by multiple homocide

….meanwhile in a pool in Saigon

the second match of the W. ‘Nam bracket is set to go…in a public…pool…that’s right…this match will be decided by marco polo

FFX Evo Vs. BB Incident

They call the coin toss for who is going to be ‘it’

These are of course…”hardcore marco polo rules”  meaning that while “fishy out of water is legal”  the people being sought out can retailiate….of course as a standard hardcore match..the fish out of water has access to a harpoon gun…and also the people being chased…if they touch the person who is ‘it’ can inflict any damage they wish with total immunity.

BB loses the toss and finds out he is going to be it this puts BB at a distinct advantage seeing as though the BB incident only includes 3 people and one can’t run….FFX Towers EVO has a shit load of people…but will not be able to use sight.

The match starts right away…

THUNK!  

“Oh dramatic starts as Rudy as a fish out of water eliminates a FFX EVO team member with a dart to the head”

SPLASH!

“and he makes it back in before the “outta water” call”

Marco?  …POLO!

POP POP POP….Rudy has had both limbs wounded and is now laboring back to the shallow end…

BRAAAAAASSSSSSH!  Ant has caught a FFX team member and slamed them all the way to the bottom of the pool

Marco? ….POLO

you hear alot of furious splashing (its obviously pox and his water wings)

POP POP….Pox is down a water wing and is swimming in circles…

OHHHH out of nowhere a FFX team member wanders into rudy’s clutches…kind of like watching a fly land in a spider’s web…a quick sweep and four punches and they are out…

THWUNK!!! Another FFX team member is down as ant fires the bolt and it decapitates the opposing team member he then dives in and palms two heads driving them to the bottom…defeating two more….but we all know water is ant’s weakness…he breaks his neck on the bottom and is out…

Finally it is Rhondie Vs. Pox….Rhondie is wandering around the pool an easy target…both hating water and staying way too visible…scared to get her hair wet…who would have thought the pre-match relaxer would come back to haunt her???? She just wanted to look good for the match.

Marco?  BAMMM!  Pox connects and downs the last foe.

Winner: BB INCIDENT by drownings, decapitations and so forth

Match 3:  617 Vs. Cruisin for a bruisin

Cruisin for a bruisin are all backstage…hung over…and trying to get readjusted to land…

617….rookie of the year candidates are pumped!

Wasting NO time… “hanging tough” by New Kids on the Block starts playing as Marissa and Linds start executing beautifully synchronized fist pumps…

Cruisin stumbles through the curtain…Rudy pukes….JMU Mike and Megabear are trying to pick up chicks with fake professions….Ant is hampered by a woman on his back…This looks like its going to be easy.

Add to the fact that this match is taking place on a moon bounce and things aren’t looking good.

Megabear states that “he teaches professional shooters how to shoot professionally” and immediately is taken down by a SWAT sniper who refutes the claim

JMU Mike is in tears as someone actually thought he was “doctor mike” and he failed to resessutate an injured civilian. 

Pox is too busy throwing up in his snorkel to make it to the ring….

Its a pathetic sight really

BWAAAAH!  Rudy is still throwing up…

that leaves it to ant…

he enters the ring and 617 time a jump sending a shockwave across the Moonbounce knocking down ant and his dance partner….

Their ferocity well documented….Marissa locks ant in a rear naked choke and Linds goes for the triangle choke on his dance partner…

This match was over before it started…

Winner: 617

Last match…215 Vs. Key West II

Rudy and the AL are blacked out and don’t make it…so gays from Duvall St. sub in.  Too bad its a softball game…

“I guess this would have been the time for the first pitch…” states king of the obvious Mitch Richmond

Its about that time a limp wristed pitch leads to Kates knocking a foul ball into his nose…

A few pitches later and its a solo homer

Drew steps up…its all the same…

Christmas is drinking a strawberry mojito on 3rd and can’t seem to be bothered fielding the ball…also…you expect him to break his nails…pssssh

Ray is getting ready for his latest stage show and could care less to stop the fly ball heading towards him…he misses the ball….but spills NONE of his martini…

They call the game after the first inning…but Key West II puts on a stunning rendition of “Single Ladies”

Winner:  217

Second round brackets will be announced on monday….the tournament will be reorganized because i fucking feel like it…so read this shit so it doesn’t spoil it for you!


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2 Comments

  1. BonerJams2010 said,

    thank god ant didnt break his neck in real life, cause therewould be a lot of broken hearts out there in the world….on another less depressing note, i now know what I can get mike (keep remembering that i refuse to call him pockets because i swore i would not make fun of him ever again…well at least not as much) for his bday…a repair kit for floaties. Just in time for the summer!

  2. rhondie516 said,

    A relaxer before Marco Polo??? Honestly, I don’t think you know me at all!!!! Hahaha. But a nice touch nonetheless.

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