Holy Good Times Batman! Day Two
So random stuff first…see this way you have to wade through all of my non-sensical thoughts before you get to any topic or what you were actually hoping to read…
Racists are a very committed people. No matter what facts show that we are all equal they are still convinced ‘the darkies’ have smaller brains. The Jews run hollywood…and the world….The ‘wetbacks’ are taking our jobs….and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves….That takes a lot of conviction….its not the everyday person that can stand unflinching behind such narrow viewpoints….Hats off to you racists…this is your day…
I was seriously contemplating getting a sugar glider as a pet (its a fucking flying squirrel that is for sale!) until i went to forums on them. They make loud noise at night (no big deal for me…we’re up at the same time) probably not too good for the roommate situation. They have stink glands…they compared them to ferrets…though ferrets are fun to play with…they fucking smell…You have to buy atleast two or they get depressed (not if i just add some zoloft in their diet though) and apparently they shit everywhere…and it takes multiple cage cleanings a week to keep up with them….The thing they do have going for them….oh did i mention they are flying fucking squirrels..yeah…obviously its name would be Rocky and i would be fitting it for some old fashioned pilot goggles/helmet combo.
So did you hear Canada was all full of themselves about being prepared for Swine flu. This post is completely serious and is actually quoted from Canadian officials…When they talked about their preparation….they said “we have had an extensive campaign alerting Canadian citizens to the importance of covering their mouth when coughing or sneezing as well as washing their hands multiple times a day”. Congratulations Canada it took a Swine Flu scare to upgrade to common decency/sanitation/manners. Wow…fuckin’ Canada man.
JMU Mike made me take this picture down from facebook because of his co-workers. Well guess what…they don’t read the blog…
Sexy
Deal with your actions Mike…Guess this leads nicely into our cruise recap…day two style…
This day was Key West. The first noticeable thing had to be from 2343…Pockets and Ant’s room…when they informed us that when the ship slowed down it rocked and vibrated their cabin to the core…no wake-up call needed.
Anyways, we ended up not linking up to get to shore because JMU mike thought that meet at 8 at the information desk really meant maybe we’ll meet up with them at breakfast around 8?
So me Mike, and Eadsy took our separate trolley into the main part of Key West, which was quite entertaining because of our awkwardly cheerful driver. Not because he was cheery…but because there was no fluctuation in his attitude no matter what he was discussing. First he was giving interesting facts about the area…well before you know it he said “Don’t forget your ID because you’ll need it to get back to the boat. I know, you’re a citizen of the US and you are still in the USA but ever since 9/11 you can’t do things like that anymore…It changed everything….” (awkward silence) then he just goes right into something like…HEY look at the fucking chicken off to the right of the road! A little further down the trip he started talking about how you can drive down US Route 1 from FL to get there “It an absolutely beautiful drive during the daytime, during the night with ran and wind it is quite horrific however!” “Off to your left is the blah blah blah building”.
So he drops us off….now maybe we should have figured that because this whole island is one big beach we should bring our swim suits…NOPE not us pillars of intelligence…lets just rock our regular clothes. So of course about a half hour later we were on a 28 mile jet ski tour around Key West. (that was fucking awesome by the way.)
I was nervous at the start of it…considering i’d never ridden a jet ski and the training they give you is literally about 30 seconds long. Green button turns it on….there aren’t brakes…here’s the throttle…watch out so you don’t hit people. (i really wanted to swerve towards a manatee and dive off of the jet ski wolverine style arms open and all, and then choke that fucker out…now that would have made a story!). So we start going and i’m cautiously going half speed…then i hit it full throttle thinking…hey this is manageable speed…well i didn’t realize that would take me from about 20MPH to 60MPH….i’m gritting my teeth and attempting not to fall off….after a while you get the hang of it though and going balls out 60mph on the water is a shit load of fun…especially when you can ramp off of waves and such…
Anyways, the jet ski tour eventually ends and we meet up with Ant and Pockets after we see Ant making his bid for Mayor of Key West…Dude is talking to EVERYONE…shaking hands….kissing babies…speaking to Pirate street performers…We find out the open sea is a little too much for poor ‘ol pockets to handle…see the boys went on a snorkeling trip…no one told pockets not to drink the salt water…next thing you know he’s puking through his snorkel.
Its about quitting time this point in Key West…so we catch the trolley back…between 30-40 people are on this thing…everyone else gets to sit with someone we went on the cruise with…except for me…I get to sit next to a large woman….and i have soaking wet shorts…bad combo….
About halfway through the drive…Ant stands up ruffles my hair and announces its my birthday…which is funny since my birthday isn’t until…AUGUST…before i know it the whole trolley is singing happy birthday…then to add insult to injury Ant tells them its my 30th (though i’m 24) and starts talking about my “rough divorce” and “4 kids” that i apparently have had….Fun times…
Well…its time to get Fucking Drunk!
We get on the boat and its time for some Hobo Ass Mint Julips….(refer to last post about mint flavored whiskey due to mouth wash containers not being washed out properly) We hit that pretty hard….i lose some money at the casino…and before you know it…its time for semi-formal dinner.
Our Balcony room (JMU Mike, Eadsy, and myself) and The servants quarters (Pockets, and Ant’s sea level windowless room) had separate dinning rooms to eat in. Pockets and Ant meet some lovely cougars….Our room sits down with 4 ladies and a socially retarded behemoth named George….Now see George is one of those guys that IS a good guy…but can only say awkward things…he can’t help it…they just keep on dropping out of his mouth. Luckily I saved the day with much witty banter…at first it just started with joking around…but after a few more drinks I catch a smile appear across JMU Mike’s face…and that smile got there because I have just dropped my first ‘f-bomb’ at a nice dinner…well the flood gates opened…cussing was thrown all over the damn place…luckily i kept people laughing…
Later…after dinner i drunkenly enter the large Karaoke bar and meet up with the lovely ladies again….I sing a song…and order way too many drinks for myself and others because hey…its on a card…and that cruise expense card is tied to my credit card with the highest limit…so its basically monopoly money at this point….The second i uttered “red headed sluts for everyone” i should have known it was over…
Luckily karaoke is shut down before my next song ‘bootlicious’ comes up…i thought it would be funny to sing….thank god i didn’t have to back that up.
We then head to the club on board….more drinks…have met up with the rest of the guys at this point….I’m dancin all over the place with a few of the girls…try to drunkenly learn the cuban shuffle…and call it a night.
While i’m asleep i hear that Eadsy tries a line on one cougar…”I teach professional shooters how to shoot” that was his fake profession.
JMU mike says he’s a doctor…and general practitioner to be exact…which Eadsy retorts “ooooohhhhh kkkay Dr. Mike!”
JMU or should i say Dr. Mike gets a sweet novelty drink out of the whole thing though…
That about wraps it up…as I slumber we approach Cozumel….
MEXICO
You boys like mexicooooo!?!?!?
Beaches, Boats, and Backrubs….Day 1 (and other stuff too)
Before i get started on our vacation recap…a few random things…
My Bologna only has a first name….O..S..C..A..R but never know how to spell the last name…I just start with “M” and trail off…
If I was a porn star my name would be “Dong Johnson” and i would be dressed up Miami Vice style…with just the crotch cut out of my pants…
General Tso sucked as a military leader if he is best known for his Chicken….but then again…that shit is awesome. Only problem though…my sauce on that shit the other day must have been cooked in a volcano because it came out molten lava ass hot….after 10 minutes (after being delivered) i still ended up with scraps for the roof of my mouth….I guess those must have been his military tactics…. touche Gen. You have struck again!
Chivalry isn’t dead….I say Reciprocation is dead. Girls…you wants to be wined and dined…treated like princess….doors opened…seats pulled out (which really isn’t that much effort)…but…you don’t want to have to do anything for it…i’m not talking about giving a fellacing or anything (though i’m pretty sure its always appreciated) i’m just saying that you all keep this scorecard the whole time…put all this pressure on us…and then wonder why a date might not go as well as you hoped….I’m trying to think of what the guy’s version of a scorecard is…but i can’t really think of one….it basically consists of… 1) Was it a good time 2) cool girl? someone i could see hanging out with again 3) did she atleast make some sort of reach for the check (i never let them pay…but its the fact you are making the polite effort).
Along these same lines….Talking about relationships…people are always concerned about having to share a hobby or showing interest in the other person’s interests….seriously…just be you…if you pick up a few things on the way and you happen to grow to like them that’s cool. You don’t have to annoyingly fake trying to like my favorite sports team or band….but what you could do….not scoff if i stop on sportscenter for a bit….because I let you watch you sex and the city….instead of trying to learn players names or memorize stats you have no interest in….a better move…if i’m at work and i miss a game…or you see a show you think i might like is on…DVR it…that would be fucking sweet…get home thinking i missed something and its there waiting. I would endure some chick flicks, or watch the L word or something if efforts like that were made…
…Just sayin
JMU Mike rigs his Hypothetical questions….see i’ve known mike for a while…and anyone that has known mike for a while should know he loves hypotheticals…
So if you could have sex with one girl but you had to kill yourself afterwards who would it be? (that one…not so bad)
Here’s a more maddening example…
you could be a super rich guy with a rockin body, nice clothes.. are successful, does well with women and leads and active life…but are a dick and work a ton of hours
or
you could be fat and lazy…don’t worry about money…wear track suits all day and get hot women….
which would you choose….I chose number 1 because i would like to have an active lifestyle….See this is where mike has already picked out an answer for you and will for about 5 minutes steer you in one definite direction until you either cave to the side he wants or just stop talking… “but you Really work ALOT of hours…and people Know you are a DIIIIIIIIICK” …”Track suits are comfortable…and you could play video games all day”
One of his favorites…how much money would it take to get you to suck a dick…And when i keep saying ‘No’ he raises it to 10 billion dollars…and when i still say ‘No’ he says that’s bullshit because everyone has their price…
So i ask him (and this first part happens anytime you try to ask him one of his own questions)….he will either immediately change the subject, or get back to whatever event was occurring before he posed this question (in this case we were watching the caps vs rangers playoff game.) Finally, I don’t let him dodge and he said…he wouldn’t suck a dick for all the money in the world…
So now its ok to give as an answer…Mike just wanted to hear me say i’d suck a dick..
The one he used in college was…would you suck a dick to save a family member…
So of course i said yes…but angrily because he had worked out so many scenarios…he finally got one that had no way out..
So anyways…
DAY ONE
We are off on vacation and we start with the flight to Miami and i’m sitting next to Brian. Sitting next to brian on the flight was a joy because he had only flown once….And anytime a change of altitude or the slightest bit of turbulence occurred i just heard this kind of mix between growling and humming coming from him as he smashed himself against the back of his chair….
Funnier still was the fact that the only things i could think of were stories about scary stuff that happens during flights…i managed to supress myself….that is until the landing..
We were real close to landing and everytime the plane would dip down a little bit..Brian would rise up a little bit while trying to stop on the imaginary brake pad in front of him (at one point he laughed an stated he was going to stop the landing like fred flintstone if he kept it up). Well finding this funny…i looked out the window and said in a low voice…”we’re going down”. I got this brief wide eyed look…a vicious stop of his foot hit the floor as sweat started to bead on his forehead…
Classic.
We get to Miami…The AL picks us up and we go into South Beach….Too bad the first thing we see is a lady twitching holding her leg after being hit by a car…”Welcome to South Beach!” I was about to be in an episode of CSI: Miami (there were already people there so we didn’t stop). We get to a bar overlooking South Beach that sells grain alcohol drinks and take in the scenery….the trees were pretty cool too.
Stop by the ABC store pick up our booze that we are planning on sneaking on…chug leftover jack….get to port….the guy that is supposed to check our bags for anything we aren’t supposed to have is more involved in his frozen yogurt….Alcohol makes it on fine…good thing we snuck it in Listerine bottles…nothing like some mint flavored Jack…and Vodka…Oh well…beats paying full price the whole time.
We get on board and immediately our neighbors decide to start smoking weed. No big deal…for the moment….
We exlored the boat…got some food…I lost a good amount of money in the casino…we got drunk…I was all pissy for some reason…
Not alot went on for day one….but its just the start..
I promise the vacation recap will be much better starting with day 2.
That’s when “shit gets real”
RACKBAWL!
How sex started.
First off…BonerJams…why have you fallen off of the comment train..i used to think you were cool…
The Al…i know you can’t be too busy….lets see a little comment action (i’ll call you later today about staying in miami after the cruise)
ok that being said…blog time.
Is it bad that while everyone else is excited for the cruise i keep on waiting for something bad to happen (this happens everytime before a vacation for me). This happens because i feel what is ahead of me is so awesome it can’t possibly happen. And last night i got my first scare, I started to develop a cough…there are multiple people at work that have felt like crap for about 2 weeks now…you better believe i have started an Airborne Cocktail around the clock until we leave…cuz i’m not fucking getting sick for this.
A girl on my team got about 50lbs of weave put in her hair…so far everyone is complementing her on it…my thought on it though is….your face looks so surprised there is only one way to go…’oh! that looks great’ because the only other way to go is a surprised negative reaction….”Oh! God! that looks like shit!”
So anyways…i was thinking on my commute home…which is even easier since my radio doesn’t work…Let me allow you to ponder a question…Who was it that first found out how to make babies???
The dude caveman looks down at the disgusting erect thing guiding him like one of those sticks they use to find water. Ugh…i don’t know what this is doing or how to satisfy it…but i’m gonna give it a try. I think for a while alot of inanimate objects had semen all over them until someone got it right. There were probably puddles everywhere….
Oh that is disgusting…but for some reason…i feel like that should be inside of me says cave lady. Or the other experiment…they finally find out disgusting rod A goes in some disgusting hole. No, not that one…this one is already slimy…that must be the right one.
When you think about it though…when just staring a a girl…how would you know??? how is this done…And then furthermore…you have to wonder the fundamental things that attract females and males..
Because before fashion and cultural reasons dictated attraction…it was just pure animalistic nature. It didn’t matter what kind of car the caveman drove…or cavewoman’s personality or blow job skills. It was just purely…this dude seems in control…and dude says…this girl seems like she will satisfy this problem im having in my crotchal region right now.
I mean shit…look at what has been considered attractive by ours and other cultures past and present. There was a time when being pale was attractive because it meant you didn’t have to be outside laboring away…basically the equivalent now to a benz or something. If the guy, or girl was pasty…that meant they had a life of privilege. Throw in the fact they may be fat…and you’ve found the good life. This was before platinum, name brand clothes, automobiles, and cell phones…so that was probably the quickest message….Oh shit, that guy if fat and almost transparent…maybe if i have sex with him me and my future children will stand less of a chance of dying in the winter. End of fucking story back then.
But you look even now…some countries are HUGE into big hips…i’m not talking about asses here…i’m talking about hips…some places in Africa women wrap themselves over and over again in extra clothing around their wastes to appear to have the widest hips possible. This is for the simple reason of ease of bearing children.
Three things i don’t get….Lip plates…Bound Feet….and neck rings….Oh sweet…you have a really long neck good for you. Bound feet, i’ve always found deformed feet, and a difficultly walking attractive…you’re right up my alley, Lip plates…fuck yeah, i don’t wanna kiss you, i don’t want you to give me head, and i really want to jump rope with your bottom lip after you take it out…what the fuck…well to each their own.
Now on to America…Why was being so skinny so in style? I’m not talking about in shape skinny…i’m talking about kate moss coked out skinny. Ohh…nothing’s hotter than a woman that looks like a little boy. It doesn’t make sense from the animal instinct either. Atleast i can try to hide my love of boobs behind the fact that i just want a woman with the capacity to feed my kids….Curves…sure give me some….gotta have a healthy woman to raise a family…girls with no asses? why?
Women’s attraction to men make sense….atleast body wise….Arms, Chest…defensive. Women look to men for protection, so you look for the body parts that do so. Girls find tattoos hot…well i see that as them recognizing their guy can take pain…or wont run away.
Do you realize that sex is such a drive to people that there is a billion dollar a year industry exists just so one person can watch other people having sex on video?
Then oral sex…its not really practical….I mean don’t get me wrong…i probably the most fantastic invention in the history of man. Wanna prove it…If you had to go without the internet your whole life or oral sex…what would you choose…exactly.
But i’m just thinking…who thought about it first…Ancient Egypt….China…basically all civilizations have drawings or texts related to it. I’m going to guess that originally it was forced on women…only because back then…women were almost seen as property to men…so when the man didn’t feel like exerting himself…he found a way the woman could do all the work and he could still get the same reward. For that reason…first woman to recieve cunilingus, Nefertiti. First woman (at least recognized), to have the power to Demand such an act…i’m not saying it wasn’t performed before…but with her…there was no choice…so MixedAssRachel…next time you think about screaming ‘oh god’ when Pockets whips out his Gene Simmons like tongue…remember to say instead…”thank you Nefertiti”.
Cheaney Vs. Biden
Our former VP is an idiot…he says that current things being passed by Obama is putting our country more at risk. I side with Biden on this one…although i really don’t like the guy…he seems like a grandpa his kids just dropped off at a retirement home and left him to figure things out for himself. He doesn’t really know what’s going on..he’s kind of fed of when he finds out…doesn’t know the rules yet…and doesn’t know his place. Anyways, Biden said that Cheaney was completely wrong…and i agree. So we may have tried to stop torture (and look i really could give a shit less about confirmed terrorists…but you can’t go on record and condone torture…i mean that was fucking dumb) and shut down Gitmo. But look with Obama’s charisma…the world may feel comfortable to actually follow us again, and have faith in our decisions. We didn’t even have faith in Bush’s decisions again…it was like Mr.Toad’s Wild Ride at Disney…you know you’re about to go in the hot ass hell room…but there is nothing you could do…no matter how loud you yelled…you were going there…your car is on a mother fucking track (you may have noticed i didn’t have a great time on that ride as a kid). So what’s more dangerous…having super strict rules that punish your enemies very harshly and set examples…or getting more people on your side…eliminating entire countries of people that will grow up to hate us and or think of us as idiots?
Pirate Mike is no more…its only Pockets…he now refuses to pirate new movies….sure we get movies maybe a week early now…but that’s it..no more award show copies…no more theater bootlegs….Pockets! feel around that face a little more…its not Peter Pan…its a face full of lies…the sooner you realize that…the sooner i get my pirate mike back…along with very early screenings of movies!
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 