Read Me or Die..

March 24, 2009 at 9:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

So…got a bunch of randomness pent up.

I firmly believe that if you just made doors more flammable there would be significantly less deaths in fires….flames touch the door and ‘Poof’…good bye door…hello doorway…. it would greatly cut down the confusion of which way to run…

I’m going to start making censored nutrition labels for people.  No those aren’t girl scout cookies…see they are “Super Healthy Fun Bars” and would you know the fat content has been changed with ‘Confidence’ huh…would you look at that…apparently confidence is measured in mg and even has a suggested daily intake.  Calories…no thanks….just one quick strike of a sharpie…and now its tastiness.  

..you’re welcome.

Speaking of things that would be awesome if they were healthy…check out  www.thisiswhyyourefat.com  it’s fantastic.  It shows you all the most unhealthy food you could ever think of.  The actual ‘taco town taco’ from SNL lore….chicken fried bacon…deep fried candy….white castle casserole (consists of 6 sliders covered in gravy and cheese and then baked)…..My new creation is going to be submitted soon…and even though i honestly didn’t want to eat it…i figured i must or i would be a phony trying to post it online….Its called an Ulcerdog, and the best part is all the items needed are at your local 7-11! Take a cheeseburger big bite (1/4lb. burger rolled into hot dog shape and injected w/ cheese) top it with nacho cheese…then add chilli…then a little more nacho cheese…add onions….then take one piece of string cheese rip it into three pieces….throw on top and close it up and let it melt on the drive home….ready some TP and eat!!! 

…Bon Appetit!

I hate overenthusiastic calls by refs in sports…not so much as a fan…it can add excitement…but as a player…especially a player on the losing end of the call…you’re like “what the fuck man?” I mean…they aren’t playing in the game….they don’t win or lose…but they are going to let you know you spent 1 second too long in the lane…and make sure you know about it…like there is no…NO doubt about it…because he’s running at you blowing his whistle…face turning purple as he’s pointing at your feet..Yeah i got it dick…just give them the ball and lets get this going….meanwhile the ref is doing an impression of you looking goofy standing in the lane…gets his other ref buddy to blow the whistle and then does the impression of you just shrugging and sluffing off…Refs are dicks.

I swear to god its like playing fucking modern frogger whenever you merge from I-66 East to 495N  Why oh why V-Dot would you make me merge starting at the far left lane on a 5 lane highway….Good Lord!  Oh watch this guys (oh no he wont…no way he can do that…oh he did…VDOT all high fives each other) bam…there you go…lets see motherfuckers run this gauntlet on a daily basis.  I had one mile to drive across those lanes in morning rush hour (had to take an alternate route home from work involving 66 instead of just 495).  I get out and danger is all around…Ladies driving SUVs while on cell phones or doing make-up along with semis and construction vehicles would be the water in this version of frogger…step out at the wrong time and its game over…but this time you don’t get the funny little dead looking frog thing and a do-over.  Seriously can’t stand SUVs because they make people feel invincible and i guess i would too if i drove a tank…but that means they really don’t have as much concern about the rest of traffic….Seriously though…if frogger upgraded to a car…pretty sure he’d have an H-2.

March Madness is in full swing and it brought to my attention the many mascots around.  And more importantly how some people do their brackets…what I will be addressing is the pick by superior mascot method….This is the least sound…simply because there are no ground rules set…For instance The University of Illinois Fighting Illini should win every tournament on those grounds…they have the whole Illini people on their side….However…here is my outlook on their first round match-up with WKU (they were some sort of horses).  Question 1: How many Illini are allowed….if its all the illini vs all the horses its a toss up.  

Question 2: what era are these native americans from…because if you give me modern era Illini i’ll take the horses in this bet…Some guy that’s like 3/4 Illini could just be sitting on his couch and get the call up to the big times….Meanwhile…a horse has always been a horse and is likely to kick your ass…and probably pretty hard to knock out….So in re-cap…currently horses have edge. 

Question 3: Weaponry…If the Old illini get bows and arrows or the modern illini get liquor i’m giving it back to them…but bare-handed or sober…i’ll stick with my horsies.

Question 4: Terrain….marshland…mountains…Victory U of I….Flat plains…Go WKU.

If you have ridiculous mascots or school names/abreviations forget about it.  Orangemen? Nice try…Next.  Gonzaga…The Zags?(i know their mascot is a bulldog but that’s what people call them sometimes.) Lets grow up Gonzaga and try to be a little professional…no one takes ‘Zs’ seriously unless you are a coma patient…then its pretty much all you got.

Mizzou? where do you get off making up your own state abbreviation….there are no Zs in missouri but there are ‘Is’ in ‘Idiots’

Stanford…you’re a tree…that’s why you didn’t even make it in this year…change your mascot.

Wendy’s calling your Fish Fillet ‘Premium’ is like McDonalds calling them Premium Chicken McNuggets…lets just admit what we are here…cheap and fast.

So MixedAssRachel gets extra girlfriend points for driving us around for 80s gear…however….i don’t know if she actually does or not for the simple reason that if we are right…Pirate Mike spends more time “downtown” than a housewife of an AIG exec after bonus time. 

Interesting thing about MixedAssRachel…the only thing more circular than her logic of TI vs John Legend is her favorite actor’s (Vin Diesel) career.  Its sad when you’re too good at the time for the sequel…but have sunk right down to the right level for the 4th installment….great job Vin…you dodged starring with Tyree and the Tokyo Drift…bad news…you are the title role in the create leftovers after that…ouch.

I think the cause of gay people that offend a lot of uber conservatives (i.e. the ‘loud’ or flamboyantly gay gays)  Like the ones that have cars that are full rainbows….is the fact that they have been brought up in an anti-gay society…and it gets to the point where you’re just like fuck it…this is me…everyone see me…fuck you i’m gay…this is where its at for gayness.  Its like amsterdam…pot is legal…so seeing someone smoke pot..not a big deal. While we have come a long way with accepting gay people into society there is still a long way to go (way to go Vermont…who just legalized gay marriage).  I think if gay people were just seen as a natural thing and just part of society there wouldn’t be a big deal to be made…you can wear all the assless chaps and rainbow thongs you want…you’re not going to make me care more about it…you’re a person…just like me…Except for you like dicks and i don’t.

I think it was ballsy of the Swiss to be neutral in WWII if you aren’t against Hitler and the Holocaust…there’s probably not alot you are against…watch out…the end of the world starts in Switzerland.  Either that or its where purgatory is actually located…can’t decide.  Oh, and i know the US started out neutral too…but we eventually got our act together…and guess what in true american fashion we even found a group of people to discriminate against and alienate .  Concentration camps are awful…Internment camps…legal…patriotic even…sign me up!  …our history can be pretty embarrassing sometimes…

Fact: Radford is STD infected…if you hook up with a Radford girl you wont get the clap…you’ll get a standing ovation.

That’s all i can muster…looks like 80s party/JMU Mike’s B-day recap will be for Wed.

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Blog?

February 27, 2009 at 12:11 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Oh man…my blog fuel is running on fumes right now…i need topics and ideas to function further…

Here’s all i’ve got..

A-Rod decided after giving his press conference telling everyone that his cousin hooked him up with the ‘roids it would be a good idea to be seen in public with him ASAP.  Like try the first or second spring training game…atleast if you were out eating you could say..’hey just having family time’  but you decided to leave the ball park with him…you are an idiot sir.

Hey you know what’s dumber than A-Rod…the idea that to stop foreclosers we get to help people that tried to live a larger life than their salary pay for their houses…Why can’t anything ever be passed that just helps the hard working honest people?  seriously…at this point i’m almost ok with a screw the homless bill if it just means that blue collared and middle class get something for them.

I saw something on tv that said ‘is it worth it to go to college’  oh i don’t know…ask the 50 people that work for me that get paid hourly and work 2 jobs just to get by…those people bust their asses everyday….i’m pretty sure if you said…hey…take some time off we’ll pay for school don’t worry about bills…they wouldn’t say fuck you…i love working 80 hours a week and not seeing my family…i’m guessing they will go the college route and be happy with their huge amount of debt…but even happier with their higher salary and only one job.

I decided to weigh myself today….i weigh 210 lbs.  see i had known for a while that i hit and was probably over the 2 century mark but had been putting off the scale for a while to avoid seeing the damage…i really want to get into shape…but don’t want to put an elaborate plan together that i’m just going to ignore…I’m assuming that by cutting down beer intake a lot of other stuff will follow…

Less beer = less snap decisions to order food

Less beer = more time to be productive

Less Beer = ability to function physically

And the only other thing i’ve got is i’m going to unload the truck everyday which should help out a bit….cuz that’s a solid 1-1.5 hour of lifting and throwing things as fast as you can…so that’s solid..

really though, a workout plan i could live with would be steady sex…but that ain’t happening so i guess i better put an order in for ‘The Gazelle’ and ‘the ab lounge’  Help me out Tony Little.

Pirate Mike was asking about possible playlists for the cruise…here’s an idea…anything that doesn’t have lyrics to have to sing and remember…it should just be fun sounds…because that is all we will be able to grasp at that point.

Here’s my playlist….Wake up….go up by pool…hit on girls…drink…get drunk…attempt to get laid…off shore excursion…back on boat…waterslide…shower…casino…get drunk…hit on more girls…try and get laid again….win the scavenger hunt that consists of finding my keys…wallet…and room…..

Because seriously…lil wayne songs and jai ho can’t even beat that shit.

JMU mike confirmed that we don’t need a passport for the cruise….

Ok pop quiz hot shot! What about a vial of my blood and an expired military ID?  Why aren’t i using my driver’s license you ask…just don’t wanna.

In very related news…i believe JMU Mike is owed some black card revokation back from new years with the many hard pronounciations of the ‘D’ in wild out….can we let the records reflect this (black roommates its obviously up to you).
Someone should tell JMU mike that black cards aren’t like chuck-e-cheese tickets…you don’t keep track of them…hold on to them and cash them in at the end (though getting a black spider ring that pinches your finger….a chinese finger trap…stickey hand…or bouncy ball would be pretty sweet.
Though mike i will say you get a curry scented card for your Jai Ho skills…..not even the pussy cat dolls can attempt to copy that shit (oh look at me i’ve got no talent and need to jump on a hot new fad created by rudy lukow and bollywood to be important again…i’m the pussy cat dolls)
Ant, the pizza almost ended in a hate crime…my indian delivery guy said that there was no way we could fix the cash vs. card dilemma.  I told him i’ve done it before i just need to call the store…he kept shoving a business card at me with his manager’s phone number on it…I asked him…’good sir, won’t your manager just have to walk over to the computer and put this in…his phone isn’t magic…and he doesn’t carry a magic wand…watch this…i’ll call the store and make your problem go away’  (those were my exact words…because see…he pissed me off….and so did the video game i was playing)  When everything was resolved i waved my hands magician like and said wah-lah…its MAGIC
This is what you got in place of a blog…i was slacking and my brian ran out of fuel.
Love You Fiercely,
Rudy

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The Chronicles of Al, Birthdays, Facial Hair, and Topless Wrestling

February 23, 2009 at 10:38 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

So first thing is first…Jordan you have earned a nickname on this blog….you will now be known as AL or ‘The AL’  The Anti-Liver….First off for the fact that whenever you are within the same state line as me my liver shivers and we take binge drinking to a new level…Also the Anti-Liver because we tend to wind up in dangerous, life threatening situations…

So Friday night was like juggling barrels of gun powder while you’re standing in a volcano…shit’s about to go off at any moment…you best hope is just to keep moving.  We pre-gamed at Club 215 now tentatively named Club 555 Soul (pronounced triple 5).  JMU Mike is a fan of the gray area sometimes just as Pirate Mike is…however he just doesn’t say anything…he just does it an explains later…we needed beer for beer pong.  I ask mike if he has beer…he says..no i have liquor….That’s cool but my question was about beer.  Can you get some beer? i ask…Mike says I’ve got 3-4 beers…but i have a lot of liquor….then he came over, and behold his powers…..He comes bearing no alcohol whatsoever but does have two large mixed drinks with him….”well they have a lot of liquor”  well you sir have a lot of lies!

Anyways, we are off to Lucky bar…some old metro worker lets us into the bathroom…The Al decides that ‘You know, i’ve never been out in DC before…i should just wander ahead of the people that know where they are going’

So we patiently wait and then the metro guy ends things with an awkward story about how his ex-girlfriend had his child aborted…but he thought she was never pregnant to begin with an asked to ‘see the blood’  and then thought that he was proven right when she got pissed and didn’t produce said blood.

In that same logic i could call someone a racial slur or some other offensive name and if they get pissed just say ‘yep…I knew it! That proves it!’

Anyways The AL hadn’t wandered too far and we got to the bar.  I of course opened a tab…we get drinks…and more drinks…i open a second tab simultaneously at the bar on the first floor…It is about 11:30 and The Al has been cut off….I ordered shots for me and Pirate Mike (the birthday boy!) and before she gives me the shots she makes me promise i wont give one to good ‘ol AL.  

I then have to steer The Al around lucky bar so he doesn’t slap girls’ asses or shove anyone…i felt like some sort of fucked up Driver’s Ed behind the wheel teacher.  Only problem is i only have the steering wheel no accelerator or brake.  

Somewhere in the bar  BonerJams has just crapped his pants for the second time…ditches the boxers in the bathroom and continues on.

Me and Al decide to head to Clarendon.  AL decides to show me how he can talk to anyone and strikes up a conversation with our Pakistani driver….AL decides he’s going to pretend he is also from Pakistan and gets angry at the driver when he says that he doesn’t like how hard he has to work and his job in the US (mind you at this time he’s talking to a drunk yelling american telling him why our country is superior). Al then says he’s from Kashmir and then mixes the driver up as being Indian…could have sworn they are mortal enemies (but AL being a Paki and all couldn’t possibly make a mistake like that).

We finally get to Clarendon…I crap at 7-11 AL decides to try and convince me we should steal some stuff….I refuse and look at what he wanted to steal (cases of ramen and monster energy drink)

We just drink more at the clarendon grille and talk to girls….get another cab back..after last call.

The AL now pretends he is from Italy…he cusses out the driver as he drops us off.  

We burst into Mark’s Pub…i scream “MAAAARKS PUB!  Give me a drink STAT!!!”  I make a few more pleas and walk home.

Me and AL finally get home…JMU Mike and BonerJams end up coming over…walking to 7-11 to get some food and come back…i am very disappointed by the fact i was offered a big bite…not a cheeseburger big bite….i throw half of my stale bun at BonerJams.

He offers me some cheetos…i have some and launch the rest at him…someone (me?) gets Pirate Mike’s chips out of the fridge and they end up smashed up all over the floor.

At this point me and Bonerjams start shoving each other (all in good fun) and in the process AL gets pushed over the side table and knocks over what was left of a cranberry and vodka….

Bonerjams shakes up a beer and sprays beer on wall.

Bonderjams and i tackle each other into the hallway….Katie…poor katie from 217 opens her door and we tackle each other through it….laughing and rolling around as she stands horrified.

At this time Pirate Mike gets back with MixedAssRachel….Pirate Mike is none too happy since the apt now has a rainbow or stains all over it and the food he was saving for the drunk munchies is now gone…

To make matters worse when he gets to his bathroom he finds that his stereo has been placed in the tub (Ant had to get in the mix sometime)

And that was just friday…

Sat. we go to Bonerjams central for a garage party.  The Al drinks way too much…he is found by Ant crawling up the stairs like the girl from the ring and is then later discovered passed out under the dryer in the laundry room….BonerJams’ roommate picks off the weakling from the herd and take him up to her room to have her way with him.

While doing the deed…The AL recalls hearing me scream “We ain’t no god damned Elvises…POLICE…THAT MOOOSTAAAAACCHE!!!”  

It is a reference heard way too much during the weekend….it is from about a 30 second clip of generation kill dealing with the ‘grooming standard’…a show you wouldn’t expect something funny to come from…

Jai Ho was danced…

Fun was had…

The AL left on Sunday…just in time, for another day and my organs would start failing (my liver thought he just landed at Normandy and was trying to shove its intestines back in…)

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Its Hump Day…Probably Not For Me…But You Never Know…

February 11, 2009 at 8:51 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

So i thought of an analogy of our military and our government….To the US government our Military is kind of like if you were in elementary school and you told everyone you knew about your friend that knows karate and can break boards with his awesome karate chops…The kid hasn’t done karate in a while but knows he can still break some boards fairly easily so agrees

(this would be kind of like when we would drop bombs in Kosovo, the First Gulf War, or even the convential warfare in Afghanistan and Iraq this time around)

The boards are successfully broken…the karate kid is relieved…the friend is strutting around all proud of itself….like ‘i told you he could do it right?!?!’  ‘BAD…ASS, just remember…that guy’s my friend..so don’t mess with me’

After a little while some of the kids get ballsy and start saying things like i bet your friend couldn’t break 3 boards at once…and start making fun of the kid (the government) testing him to see what he’s really got up his sleeves….This time before he knows it…and before he’s even asked to see if it is possible he’s told the whole school that not only can he break boards…he’s going to break a stack of ice with cinder blocks in them…

The Karate kid was all about breaking the boards…i shocked and awed the shit out of that whole crowd…fuckers will never doubt how bad ass i am…

Then comes the news that he’s got to go on this ice breaking mission…but wait…i only ever told him i could break boards…why would he up the difficulty without letting me prepare for it…

That’s what happens when you take a conventional force and then tell them…hey beat this conventional army and then see if you can fight the shadows…irradicate terrorism (which is more of an ideal anyways), make the country happy and stable….You can do that right…You can can’t you…cuz i kind of already told all my friends you could….and i kind of have some money riding on this…so get to it champ

It’s bullshit.

So i’m glad that Congress decided not to bring A-Rod to Capital Hill…I’m hoping its because they realized…oh i don’t know…that we are being crushed under unemployment rates and failing companies…thanks for sticking to atleast making a decision about the economy and trying to do something people think may fix it..

Oh, and when did it become cool to lie in front of congress…and why didn’t athletes grasp the severity of this concept before….I’m pretty sure it will come out soon that…Roger Clemmens didn’t lie because “he had his fingers crossed” when he took the oath…The just get up there and lie…and lie…and lie…Palmero “I…did…not…use…steroids”  a couple months later…oops guess i did…and still am.  And Barry is just saying he has a rare disorder called Awesomnia where he is cursed with the fact that he gets more ripped, awesome and athletically gifted as he gets older…keep up those excuses…i would suggest starting your own Awesomnia benefit or charity.  

I think now athletes just think they should lie up at congress…cuz seriously all the cool kids are doing it…and Poor A-Rod he’s like the kid that tries a little TOO hard to be cool…First the frosted tips…then the lying to Katie Couric because he wasn’t invited to DC and it was the most important person he could find to lie to….Dating Madonna 25 years too late….then finally admitting to steroids…but too late.

A-Rod is kind of like the kid that got his ‘brand new awesome toy’ that you and your friends already sold in a garage sale….like its a little kid just now talking about the old game boy Pokemon games…or a game boy for that matter.

Interesting thing happened…We are all able to joke on Pirate Mike for slacking at work…but he won Rookie of the Year at his company so he must do something right (maybe its arriving fashionably late every day)…yet…when the joking for one second is turned to JMU Mike…he’s in defensive…and offended mode immediatly…there is no shame in having a few minutes of idle time…but you don’t have to make up stats trying to back the fact that you surf the internet at work like the rest (well not me we don’t have no fancy internet at my work) of us…Its ok we weren’t going to insinuate that you don’t work hard….just trying to take a little poke at you…

I joke on Ant for calling talking to NFL players work…but i understand its work…because you’re on show the whole time…so even when you’re ‘off’ you’re on because you are still there to represent the company..but i’ll always come back with a sarcastic response of ‘oh sorry, it must be rough trying to out drink LT or whatever you did at the super bowl’….

Pirate Mike…you travel all the time and have way more financial knowledge and abilities to put together official looking contracts (probably containing huge loopholes to be further exploited in the gray area) then i could even dream of having…

JMU Mike…you do put together powerpoint presentations of vacation ideas…wacky photoshopping jobs…and funny t-shirt ideas together…

BonerJams…well those boners aren’t going to have themselves…someone’s gotta gawk at the high school girls….plus you are charged with improving a winless football team and filling student’s heads with improper facts…..you can basically be a living breathing version of Wikipedia…and hey…if your football team doesn’t win just find your local retarded kid and Radio him up…throw him on your team…and a few things will happen 

1) you are a millionaire because Michael Phelps isn’t doing and swimming so decided to play everyone’s favorite special kid ‘Donny’ in the movie adaptation of your football team’s story

2) your team goes undefeated when they are inspired by the amount of retardation this kid is riddled with and still being able to function.

3) your team commits a horrific hate crime

4) the crowd is amused.

75% of those things are great…and i don’t know if you teach math or not…but 75 is very close to 100…and 100% is everything…well you’re a coach…so i guess you have to do it on a scale of 110% because apparently that’s the scale all good athletes and teams operate on….so i guess its not looking as good…but come on…just do it.

Found out my phone not working was due to dirty pockets…i need to throw away receipts and whatever other shit i carry in them..basically a lint paper mix was in the headphone hole…when headphones were plugged in it forced all that shit way down in there…luckly i was bored before the day manager came in…took a paper clip to it…and BLAM!  All DONE!  (probably a funny thing to yell loudly and suddenly during sex)

I had about 3 other topics to cover but have forgotten them…i need to start writing them down.

Man the lines i end blogs on are the worst.

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Second round a few matches…a bit of nonsense

January 14, 2009 at 10:36 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so i’m doing the same thing as last time…a second round match up or two…but not the whole shabang (not the whole she-bang either…not havin sex and definitely not listening some rick martin) today…  

First Match up….oh and looks like a tough draw for steve…

Rudy Day Vs. Steve Saga.

In what can only be descirbed as obscenely unfair this match is taking place…in get this…apartment 215….not looking good for steve…but god dammit you can’t stop that spirit!

Pirate mike, rudy, and ant are all sitting on the couch when a knock is heard at the door…and music barely over an audible level…who’s this…

STEEEVE…the hulk hogan theme goes again…pirate mike just turns around and walks back to the couch…she’s waaaaaaaaaving the flag again…but we have low ceilings…so that shit is just scraping the shit out of it and raining plaster down on her head…steve is a sight to behold…the music is at a low level…mainly due to the busted ear drums she suffered during round one.  Ant goes to bed.  Everything looks good until Rudy Day looks down to realize he’s not wearing his Rudy Day shirt…it is in fact a Steve Day shirt…seems the Hesters didn’t like the outcome and wanted to remind Rudy Day who was in charge and responsible for it.  

Steve giggles and staggers towards the center of the room….she puts all she has into a haymaker aimed at Rudy Day…Rudy Day ducks and steve hits the coffee table…oh man…

oh boy…

Her stitches from the chairs to the forehead have reopened….ant comes and scoops her off the floor…pirate mike immediatly calls downstairs to negotiate at the VERY LEAST a discounted carpet cleaning…

Rhonda pops in the see what’s going on…Steve instinctively pops up and grabs her flag again

(oh god no not this routine again everyone thinks…they just watch as she wildly waves the flag and chants the wrong letters of the country…U…S…UA…U….A….   S?)

She falls face foward down again with the flag wrapped around her….215 unpauses TiVo.

minutes later Steve wakes back up and hits the coat check dive but on rhonda who was unassumingly sitting on the couch…the back of the couch breaks…so does rhonda’s spirit…steve immediatly launches her signature move again but didn’t have enough gusto…Rudy Day catches her in the air and piledrives her through the beer pong table….911 is called and Rudy Day takes it..

Sad match folks…Steve was a great story…but that effort she gave in the first round…all heart…seemed to really be everything she had…we just hope for good news from the hospital..

Winner: Rudy Day

(before fading to black the camera pans back to steve’s hospital room to see half her face pealed back….and ONE GLOWING RED EYE….machinery moving around as her new half flesh half machine smile chills the audience to the core)

Match 2

Overnight Vs. Vegas

Smitty, rudy, and jordan skydive into the arena…while overnight well….lurks in the shadows…

As the fight starts…overnight immediatly goes after the light rigs…only problem…Vegas is probably the only competitor that wouldn’t work against…. the vegas trio continually kick overnight in the mouth with the three person basket carry known as ‘i just won 1500 dollars anyone wanna touch me’  …overnight is wounded on the canvas as Smitty and Jordan are shaking beers over its corpse screaming ‘lets get fucking mental’.  Just then the hookers smitty ordered up to rudy and jordan’s room as a prank have returned…still trying to get money and angry over the confusion and joke made of their lives….they start furiously gyrating their hips…oh shit…only thing…that’s all they are good at and have no actual skills regarded by humans as valuable….so much for that sneak attack overnight….it should be a 3 vs. 1 fight but the trio is all so drunk they are each fighting 3 images of overnight…turning a 3 vs. 1 fight into a 3 vs. 9 giving the edge to overnight now….to make matters worse rudy has resorted to his last day in vegas form which involved laying in bed and trying not to shit himself…..scratch that…trying to clean himself up…looks like overnight took advantage of that now….Overnight is dragging rudy back to its truck of dispair getting ready for a long night of raping before Jordan and Smitty down some red bulls to even out the drunkeness….Taking their craps knowledge they pull off the ‘pass line pugalists’ move…it involves throwing your dice hand in a quick motion towards the face of your opponenet…the blows land as spittle is flinging from Jordan and Smitty’s faces as they scream  WINNNNAAAAAAAAAH

Overnight is out and looks to be turning to stone as the sun rises….jordan and smitty drag a shit covered rudy back to the paris casino for probably 3 more hours of gambling that with rudy’s state will resemble a weekend at bernie’s scene.

Winner: Vegas

 

left bracket final: Rudy day vs. 215/bodily injury

right bracket final: Vegas vs. beach/wild out 09

Now to more intellectual blogging…

 

Oh god someone stop the chaffing….i have no idea how to…all i know is everytime i start to walk if feels like someone has rubbed sandpaper on my inner thighs and once i peel it off someone immediatly starts hitting that shit with hot sauce.

Pirate Mike is going to make a great dad and old man…why you ask…because he has the gift of the ‘fishing story’  Pirate Mike doesn’t wildly exaggerate the truth…but stretches it JUUUST enough to remain believable but also way more awesome than the original story….also everyone benefits…

examples of potential pirate mike stories:

we weren’t all talking to 4s…they were 7s and mike got called on stage to dance with rachel

Mike benched 225 three times and then ran all the way to the top of the stairs in FFX towers to celebrate

Mike won three games of beer pong in a row.

Mike could stop global warming in a day but kind of likes indian summers

Mike wrote kevin garnett’s interview answers after they won the title.

 

Daniel Craig is only a good James Bond because he doesn’t act like the classic James Bond…everyone was getting sick of that same old cookie cutter shit…no one wanted to admit it though like Connery was going to come to their house…slap them in the face and then fuck their wife in front of them.

Joe Rogan believe it or not…funny stand-up routine…watched it on the ‘watch instantly’ netflix thing yeterday…has a great big about ex-boyfriends that you current girlfriend keeps as friends…

don’t have any tangents or rants in me…

Done

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