First round conclusion (w. vietnam bracket)
I want to start an app on facebook. It lets your plauge farmville farms with locusts or whatever other farm distroying thing you want. It ONLY happens if someone hits you with a farmville update that clogs up your news feed. It will keep my new feed condensed to just normal old stalking…AND punish those that are more concerned with telling me about their lonely brown cows.
Before we start this…You want to know what the worst possible headline a man could read. “Woman Gets Pregnant Through Blowjob”
And with that its time to kick off the second half of the first round.
I’m your announcer Mitch Richmond….and am happy to be with you during day two of the tournament.
We kick it off in Western Vietnam with Kenny Powers throwing out the first pitch!!!
How the fuck do i get roped into this…a first pitch REALLY!?!? No baseball is being played…no ball will be used…what the fuck..this is the most unprofessional thing i’ve ever been involved in(mutters under his breath)
(sighs) Right down the plate…for some fucking reason…
Ok lets get this over so i can get paid (you hear crinkles and a pop and realize he has just opened a beer and pork rinds)
Match 1: Dead Celebs Vs. New Years
What’s this?!?! a treat for the fans…looks like we are re-creating thriller!!! Oh wait…..its just Michael Jackson before he died…that’s sad…and disapointing…(the fans quickly die down as they realize mj is just waving) For the first time in his life Jackson is upstaged….BUT WAIT….THERE’S MORE……LIFE BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!! Zombie Billy Mays bursts through the curtains and the crowd goes fucking APE SHIT….he’s throwing out many of his products…sure to change lives…..
Mich Richmond: If Billy Mays was alive the crisis in Haiti would be over….all the houses would already be mighty puttied back together…end of fucking story.
Billy Signs a few pairs of breasts and blows a line off a stripers ass *smack* billy gives it a quick spank and flips over the top ropes
Jackson is wearing his Harry Potter/court attire and just keeps blowing kisses
Suddenly some smoke and lasers start……the room gets dark….10…9…8..7…6…5…4…3…2..1..!!!!!2010!!!!! Pyrotechnics go off and “tonights gonna be a good night” starts playing from the Black Eyed Peas…and drunkards start stumbling through the curtains half dancing…half making out.
Jerrad eats a hand full of chips…throws the rest at the dead celebs…and then passes out…this is going to be interesting…
NYE participant Ant starts with a running clothesline that takes down both Jacko and Mays….The crowd ROARS with approval…while ant is celebrating though he gets taken down by “Godzilla” who popped out of the other side of the ring and litterally eats him….Tough break ant…that’s what you get for looking so delicious to women all the time..
Pox picks up the daybead and annihalates godzilla. put just then!!!!
fwap! two Hercules Hooks slam into pox and billy mays throws him into the crowd…..He then says…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE….he Zorbies up the blood and rings it into Rudy’s eyes…blinding him….and without rudy’s knowledge he had a mighty switch installed into his heart….Billy states “this is an offer to die for” flips the switch and the defective product not only shuts off rudy’s heart but burns him.
JMU mike slams two Monster and Vodkas and then jams the empty cans into Billy’s eyes blinding him….Billy is bleeding profusely….
He does the unthinkable and hocks another persons product by putting on the (bullshit) HD vision glasses…solving all of his problems…
Mike is astonished and its about that time Jackson ties their wrists together and starts cutting him to ribbons with a switch blade all while inexplicably changing into a orange leather coat
“that’s why he’s the greatest performer ever to live….or die folks” Richmond states
As they start to celebrate some unexpected music starts over the speakers
“I am a real american” starts BLARING over the loud speakers…..WHAT’S THIS!?!?!?
ALL 5’0″ nothing of crass and blue singlet with a purple overcoat appear….THE FANS GO FUCKING NUTS…
ITS LAST YEAR CINDERELLA….STEEEEEEEVE!
She’s waiving her same old flag….just like before…stumbling to the ring…She hands her flag to Hacksaw jim duggan and executes the coat check dive on both MJ and Mays….
only problem….Steve is a small lady….and the celebs catch he in mid air…They both slam her to the ground….mays shoves mighty putty in her nose and mouth….it hardens and the match is over.
“OOOOOOOH, A NEAR UPSET BY NYE 2009…but mays and jacko show why they are a top seed”
Winner: Dead Celebs by multiple homocide
….meanwhile in a pool in Saigon
the second match of the W. ‘Nam bracket is set to go…in a public…pool…that’s right…this match will be decided by marco polo
FFX Evo Vs. BB Incident
They call the coin toss for who is going to be ‘it’
These are of course…”hardcore marco polo rules” meaning that while “fishy out of water is legal” the people being sought out can retailiate….of course as a standard hardcore match..the fish out of water has access to a harpoon gun…and also the people being chased…if they touch the person who is ‘it’ can inflict any damage they wish with total immunity.
BB loses the toss and finds out he is going to be it this puts BB at a distinct advantage seeing as though the BB incident only includes 3 people and one can’t run….FFX Towers EVO has a shit load of people…but will not be able to use sight.
The match starts right away…
THUNK!
“Oh dramatic starts as Rudy as a fish out of water eliminates a FFX EVO team member with a dart to the head”
SPLASH!
“and he makes it back in before the “outta water” call”
Marco? …POLO!
POP POP POP….Rudy has had both limbs wounded and is now laboring back to the shallow end…
BRAAAAAASSSSSSH! Ant has caught a FFX team member and slamed them all the way to the bottom of the pool
Marco? ….POLO
you hear alot of furious splashing (its obviously pox and his water wings)
POP POP….Pox is down a water wing and is swimming in circles…
OHHHH out of nowhere a FFX team member wanders into rudy’s clutches…kind of like watching a fly land in a spider’s web…a quick sweep and four punches and they are out…
THWUNK!!! Another FFX team member is down as ant fires the bolt and it decapitates the opposing team member he then dives in and palms two heads driving them to the bottom…defeating two more….but we all know water is ant’s weakness…he breaks his neck on the bottom and is out…
Finally it is Rhondie Vs. Pox….Rhondie is wandering around the pool an easy target…both hating water and staying way too visible…scared to get her hair wet…who would have thought the pre-match relaxer would come back to haunt her???? She just wanted to look good for the match.
Marco? BAMMM! Pox connects and downs the last foe.
Winner: BB INCIDENT by drownings, decapitations and so forth
Match 3: 617 Vs. Cruisin for a bruisin
Cruisin for a bruisin are all backstage…hung over…and trying to get readjusted to land…
617….rookie of the year candidates are pumped!
Wasting NO time… “hanging tough” by New Kids on the Block starts playing as Marissa and Linds start executing beautifully synchronized fist pumps…
Cruisin stumbles through the curtain…Rudy pukes….JMU Mike and Megabear are trying to pick up chicks with fake professions….Ant is hampered by a woman on his back…This looks like its going to be easy.
Add to the fact that this match is taking place on a moon bounce and things aren’t looking good.
Megabear states that “he teaches professional shooters how to shoot professionally” and immediately is taken down by a SWAT sniper who refutes the claim
JMU Mike is in tears as someone actually thought he was “doctor mike” and he failed to resessutate an injured civilian.
Pox is too busy throwing up in his snorkel to make it to the ring….
Its a pathetic sight really
BWAAAAH! Rudy is still throwing up…
that leaves it to ant…
he enters the ring and 617 time a jump sending a shockwave across the Moonbounce knocking down ant and his dance partner….
Their ferocity well documented….Marissa locks ant in a rear naked choke and Linds goes for the triangle choke on his dance partner…
This match was over before it started…
Winner: 617
Last match…215 Vs. Key West II
Rudy and the AL are blacked out and don’t make it…so gays from Duvall St. sub in. Too bad its a softball game…
“I guess this would have been the time for the first pitch…” states king of the obvious Mitch Richmond
Its about that time a limp wristed pitch leads to Kates knocking a foul ball into his nose…
A few pitches later and its a solo homer
Drew steps up…its all the same…
Christmas is drinking a strawberry mojito on 3rd and can’t seem to be bothered fielding the ball…also…you expect him to break his nails…pssssh
Ray is getting ready for his latest stage show and could care less to stop the fly ball heading towards him…he misses the ball….but spills NONE of his martini…
They call the game after the first inning…but Key West II puts on a stunning rendition of “Single Ladies”
Winner: 217
Second round brackets will be announced on monday….the tournament will be reorganized because i fucking feel like it…so read this shit so it doesn’t spoil it for you!
Winter Blows
So its been close to a month from my last post….an all time low. But i’m back…and here we go
Winter blows…not only do you get out of the cold only to jump into a colder car to start the day….but the car tends to struggle a little more starting…errands are even more annoying to run…and when its especially cold mother nature gives you a big middle finger by allowing you to scrape off your windows before going anywhere….jacking up your utility bills…and generally being a bit of a cunt.
It has allowed me to come up with a couple observations though…
1) Snow storms tend to polarize people. The people that were A-holes before hand…really go out of their way to not help ANYONE ANYWHERE…These are the people that shovel their parking spot out…only to block in the people on either sides of them….pass by clueless and/or underpowered women stuck in the snow in their cars….Own trucks with plows just to drive around with them lifted making you wish they would plow your area.
But then you have the other side…you get more generous….helping people around you out…and generally being in a good mood. If you’re in the middle….then you’re kind of like a young Luke Skywalker trying to pick which side to go to…..Thinking about being a dick? have fun with one less hand VWWWWWOOAAAM (that’s my lightsaber sound)…I’ll be chillin here with my home made green crystal light saber a jedi level waiting for you (have i mentioned im a BIT of a nerd)
2) there are two types of bad snow drivers.
a) Speedy McLeadfoot: You think the only way out of any situation in the snow is to floor it. You will be stuck multiple times on a seemingly simple trip…you will hit people with your car….you will try to brave the snow in your rear wheel drive car, geo prism, or CRX. You mash on the gas at a green light…cause an ice slick and then either require assistance…or slowly drift back into traffic while everyone else watches in horror. You make a foothill look like god damn everest.
b) Trucker B. Dbag: You decide you’ll drive 10mph over the speed limit while everyone else creeps along screaming “TRUUUUUCKKK!!!” because after all..that’s what you bought it for right. You’ll help people out of the snow…but only while shaking your head and making them feel like assholes. You’ll create your own parking spaces. You will also underestimate what driving in the snow does…and be a fucking deathtrain.
^ example of trucker b. dbag…..I was at subway and this bitch just made her own parking space….as i sought out a legit one…she just parked in the middle of the parking lot…because if there’s snow on the ground and you have a truck laws obviously don’t apply to you. She gets in RIGHT before me…and orders 4 subs…for her office…and has to call the people once she gets there because she got all wet thinking about driving in the snow and forgot all the god damned orders. It was just me and her in the place! The few times i’ve been in a fast food place and i’m ordering for the office i tend to let the other person go first….fucking bitch.
…so that’s the snow..
Also, look out for Vinny And Rudy’s snow removal and Repo company…coming soon…. Me and ant were snow machines…What’s funny though…is after about an hour or two of pushing cars and shoveling…suddenly you have expert advice to give everyone. I’m just coming up with guesses…but suddenly after helping a few cars…i’m insisting on this information i have little to no “real” confidence in.
….Next topic.
Josh is a D-Bag. You know the one i’m talking about….The original Josh…The “I’m just Joshin’ ya Josh” . How big of an asshole did that guy have to be. The guy that created the fact that what i just said wasn’t true…so stop getting so pissed off. I just hope he didn’t name “Joshing” after himself…that his group of “friends” somehow bestowed that upon him. And how bad would it be to be one of his friends. If “Joshing” was invented with him…you obviously fell for it every time. “You had sex with my mom while killing my puppy” (tears start to well up)…”oh i’m just joshing!!!” baaahahahaha. Josh probably couldn’t have kids since he was booted in the nuts so many times.
Guess who has more mother fucking kick ass infomercial products for you…
That’s right….THIS DICKHOLE!
1) Rudy’s Dick Sock: Guys have you ever had that embarassing boner but with no way to hide it (shows a high school kid in sweats…or a guy at a business meeting trying to put his portfolio folder in front of his boner)….Well worry no more! With Rudy’s Dick Sock’s patented “boner cling” technology…..you can have a hard on in peace…with no one being of the wiser.
It is basically a spandex tube that with the help of a non-abrasive adhesive…attatches to you…forcing your boner to rest gently on your stomach…with out the dreaded “quick draw manuever” You know the one…make sure no one is looking and grab the boner up real quick and belt it to yourself in order to avoid detection.
And if you order this you will get a free sample of my next product…Rudy’s Fuck Spray!
That’s right…now even if you’re not having sex you can smell like you do! Our spray smells like sex…and comes in two sizes. Room and Personal. Carry on in your pocket and give yourself a quick spray for that “hey i just had a quickie” or “its no big deal i just smell like sex” sensation. Friends coming over…the place is a mess…and you feel like a loser? Try the room size…one quick burst and you have a room reeking of sex drawing the envy of all your friends….Rudy’s Fuck Spray also comes with a guide full of excuses why the girl is no longer there.
Finally….the 2009 wrap up is upon us….throw out topics that you think should be on it….i already have a few of my own….Once the topics are finalized i’ll go ahead and list them with descriptions…match them up against each other and start the tourney…
Not sure what the fuck i’m talking about….Here’s a link to the 2008 wrap up tourney…
Interesting subjects…and BOOBS!
Ok…if that didn’t get your attention i give up…
First Topic: Jeff Duhnam sucks comedic dick
If you think Jeff Duhnam is funny you may be mildly retarded. See Jeff Dunham is not funny at all…and neither are his puppets. Ventriloquists have Never been funny…”Oh sweet i’m gonna watch a show of a guy that doesn’t have enough of a personality and story telling ability to say it himself or is too much of a pussy to do so…so he gets his “dummy” to do it for him”. I haven’t heard one funny Jeff Dunham joke and have tried Multiple times to give him a chance…but can never make it through one of his stand up specials…and now he gets a TV show? “Hey i’ve got an idea…lets give a guy who’s whole act revolves around the fact that he has to be attached to a puppet a sketch show” So its just a series of Jeff Duhnam being…well Jeff Duhnam starring with his puppets Peanut…and some racist skeleton terrorist that just says “I kill you” and everyone laughs. Also Jeff Duhnam suffers from Jimmy Fallon syndrome where he just has this goofy smirk on his face the whole time and seems to just get a little too much of a kick out of himself. Another reason i don’t like Jeff Duhnam….his whole routine involves him being outsmarted by himself. He makes some comment and his dummy…HimFuckingSelf then makes some quip to make him look stupid.
Ok…maybe you’re not mildly retarted if you like him…you can also be an over the hill housewife…or person that just doesn’t “get it” that is trying to make relevant references to pop culture. Like where everyone else is talking about moments from good shows and you can only quote clearly forgettable scenes from Jeff Duhnam and Carlos Mencia repeats.
The only way a Jeff Duhnam act could be lamer is if he was played on and off the stage by an accordion band
Topic 2: They should make Male Bumpits.
Wait. You don’t know what a Bumpit is? Son of a fucking bitch do i have to teach you about everything? What next a birds and bees conversation…well here’s a commercial.
Ok the male bumpit…one it would be awesome to see a guy rocking a bumpit to try and REALLY volumize his hair…
But the other funnier version…The male bumpit would be a “package volumizer” now if you saw it…you can keep the VERY beginning of the commercial showing a bunch of chicks and talking about women wanting “more volume” but after that it would show women looking in disgust or pointing and laughing at a bulge lacking young fellow. And then you have the “star wipe” into the next scene where the guy is parading his new found junk in public. And you could even keep the parts where they show you that “Bumpits” are for all occasions. They show your everyday bumpit…for just an added little boost but offering you the most flexibility and mobility. Then you have the ones for your formal occasions….a little bigger…noticeable but not overstated. Then finally…you keep the free “hollywood bumpit” Its crazy…like carnival crazy…because the hollywood male bumpit is basically like shoving a can of tennis balls down your pants to give you that “hollywood pornstar look”. Then the commercial would end with women twirling their hair and other guys crossing thier legs…and the proud owner gets in his Mustang 5.0 blaring “I can’t drive 55″ as he speeds off clueless into the sunset.
….Chalk up another couple mil for this guy
Topic 3: MLKs dreams trump the shit out of mine
My dreams involve me being late to work or forgetting to finish a truck…or not filling out paper work. Martin Luther King had a dream that everyone would live in harmony….FUCK…i’m kind of behind the curve on this one.
Topic 4: Pockets fillibusters his way into pussy.
See we have covered that my roommate pockets…or pirate mike..or whatever other names he goes by….lives in the grey area. And in the grey area ‘No’ is not an answer as much as its a suggestion. Nothing a little dancing and back rubs can’t cure….see don’t get me wrong…i’m not calling Pockets a Rapist or that he forces himself on anyone…Its just that he’s going to put together a fucking case for why you should allow him to go down on you. Oh…and he wont throw in the towel early…oh no…you can’t shake him…so you might as well give him what he’s going for…its gonna save you a lot of time….or do you want him to go through Exhibit 3 ALL OVER AGAIN. He’s polished this case…you’ve got no alibi…and the evidence mounts…the apartment is filled with charming guys and fun activities to wing man him…the evidence mounts further…he invites you to see his illegal movie collection and before you know it Pitbull is playing and you are mezmorized by his dancing…and knowledge of many choruses but very few verses of all the popular songs…”sum sumthin ya uh…CULO!” Thus is the pockets…in this war of attrition though…everyone wins…Mike looks like he fell face first into a Krispy Creme assembly line…and you now know what midget porn is like.
Tiger Woods has been linked to multiple pornstars…girls on his payroll…got his flavor dropped by Gatorade…Placards pulled by Tag Huer …wrecked an Escalade…Seriously man…you didn’t have to save it all up for one huge blow out. His approval rating by the public has dropped from 93 percent 3 years ago…to 38 percent as of sunday…Woof!
Turkey, Infomercials and how to get pregnant
I am buying a fucking egg genie.
I don’t even know what this thing does. If I had to guess…i’d say it allows you to grow baby chicks from everyday store bought eggs.
But that’s not the reason to buy it…the reason is that you also get the Bacon Wake….nice play on words…i feel like pot heads everywhere will buy this the second they hear the name…as long as they get the energy to reach into their pocket for their phone. It just basically lets you make bacon in the microwave.
Is there more…of corse there’s more you fucking moron. The Magic Chop! Its the same thing as the Slap Chop but it is significantly less able to defend you from prostitutes.
This product IS Eggsactly what i’m looking for!
So after starting speaking the praise of the egg genie i decided to watch this full commercial…the one i posted here doesn’t include the magic chop like the one on TV does. I’m ok with the Egg Genie…but I like how they try to tell you a great feature is the loud blaring alarm telling you your eggs are ready. “Scare the shit out of your kids and family when they run for their lives when the eggs are ready.” Then it just shows the dad shaking his head after he yelled fire and his whole family runs through the front door. “Now i can finally have my eggs!” says dad and then it fades to black.
Although this system is a bit annoying…wouldn’t it be great for couples trying to get pregnant….
“are you tired of the tricky rhythm method!?!?” (shows a couple fumbling over a calendar…and throwing it across the room)
“are you actually gay…a vagina disgusts you so you want to limit sex needed to have a child?” (shows a gay guy poking at a vagina saying ICK!)
“is your partner awful at sex so you need the highest success rate possible?” (girl yawning whilst banging)
WELL DO WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! Never miss the fertile period of the month with Eggs Ovary Easy!!! (name would be trademarked with the exclamation marks). Eggs Ovary Easy!!! nestles comfortably in the vagina and gives you a gentle reminder when its time to fuck! (then it shows the air raid siren sounding and the couple rushes up to the bedroom).
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! extending the life of otherwised doomed relationships with the glorious gift of a child.
…Fucking pay me.
NEXT!
PETA is claiming that turkeys are tortured around thanksgiving. I envision PETA members called to a meeting where they have elementary school artistic skills which they have used to render this house of horrors for turkeys. Where they are put on “the rack” and have their feathers pulled one by one before being forced to pick which one of their turkey family members is the next to go…because we all know torture makes turkey taste better.
Yeah..fuck you PETA..I doubt Purdue sounds the alarm, and stops the assembly line because a turkey may have been about to be slaughtered before significant amounts of torture were endured..and then Will Purdue (not the owner of Purdue chicken…Will Purdue the ex-NBA player) dons his executioner hood and tortures the skipped turkey before resuming operations. Shut up PETA…I’m gonna donate a bunch of BOCA burgers to you fairies and it will be frozen Veal patties and you’ll all off yourselves after accidently ingesting them.
NEXT!
Obama just went over to China to talk about internet censorship but now Goggle has pulled a racist image of Michelle Obama off the internet? Hmm…sounds a little hypocritical. I think it would say a TON if he publicly rejected the fact that it had been pulled. Though…it probably wouldn’t win much points with Segourney (those that follow my blog already know that Michelle Obama is black Sigourney Weaver)
NEXT!
Adam Lambert is a copy cat…He’s copied Janet and Justin, as well as Brittney and Madonna by engaging in an act to solely create publicity…and guess what that shit worked again. And now he’s copying Charles Barkley (His famous “I’m not a role model commercial”)? “I’m a performer…not a babysitter” we’ll see..lets not get ahead of ourselves here…i give you about a year…and you will in fact be a babysitter. Though, you might be a decent one…teaching young girls how to pull off the “smoky” makeup look.
NEXT!
fucking bed time…another long day at work…followed by lack of sleep…followed by long day at work….
But on a happier note….HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!
Billy…oh Billy…not you too!!!
Not even “mighty mend it” could put my heart back together again. That’s because billy mays had a ‘mighty shine’ that you couldn’t deny…you might even say he gave off an ‘orange glow’. From the second i heard he died there was a pit in my stomach as though i had activated the kneading action of ‘mighty putty’ and now it sat in my belly. That’s right everyone…god turned off billy mays’ “handy switch”. I don’t know what it is about being 50 but no matter how much of a ‘big’ shot you think you are…apparently that shit doesn’t always ‘slide’
Enough of bad billy mays product usage puns….seriously…you cant deny that this guy was relevant in our society currently…some may say that’s sad…sighting the fact “rudy billy mays is a D-bag”. Correct…but he earned the right to be a D-Bag…he started pitching products straight out of high school. It started with washing machines in atlantic city…progressed to the HSN (home shopping network where he first debuted products for the orange glow brand…same people that brought you oxi clean). After beccoming successful he started negotiating contracts where he got percentages of the product’s sales….that’s right folks he had made the big time…
End of story…billy mays was a legit american dream story.
This week just created a second less significant trinity…Farrah Fawcett…Michael Jackson…and Billy Mays…..but really it all just breaks down to….A hot chick…a D-bag…and a petaphile
In related news…”Just for men” stands to lose a ludicrous amount of money since billy mays was the single greatest spokesman for their product…and what was better is that they didn’t have to pay them.
Porn stars can quit trying to grow billy mays beards and can just go back to ol reliable…the porn ‘stache
Blue shirts are likely to be up %1000 this week
Conspiracy theories…
Billy Mays and MJ are in Cahoots (have no idea how that word originated) and Billy Mays will be announcing Jackson at his first London concert.
PETA got to Billy Mays after his ‘cricket cannon’ incident from “Pitchmen”
Vince Shamoli murdered Mays! His product worked so well that the Shamwow! wiped up all evidence and left a perfectly clean crime scene
Speaking of crime scene…i left my car at a garage to get an emissions inspection, oil change, and get some more windshield wipers (not gator blades though)…problem? I left CDs and my GPS laying on my seat….and seeing as though i’ve had my radio stolen out of my car from a garage before….probably not the smartest of ideas.
Two more fish died in my aquarium…the fish tank re-birth of glory is over…but atleast i don’t have to feed them for a few days now.
Fuck i can’t think of anything else…fuck usa soccer for getting my hopes up…Peace
N. Korea + Fast and Furious = End of World
First off, I saw Billy Madison today…finally…10 years too late…so now you can’t hold that against me. I swear when people found out I hadn’t seen it, it was like i just told them i couldn’t read. How are you going to judge me based on a movie where Adam Sandler has to go back through grade school? It was pretty good…but i think i also had the Goonie effect…The Goonies were the shit in the 80s when i watched it as a kid. That was one of my favorite movies. I watched it in college and completely ruined any nostalgic feelings i had towards it….and just could shake how much of an asshole Corey Feldman was even at that young age.
So North Korea…what the fuck are you doing….well really i can’t say that….World, what have we been doing with that country over the last 20 years or so. We just allow their scare diplomacy to keep repeating itself over and over again, just assuming they aren’t really that big of a threat. Well guess what they finally followed through with what they said they would do, meanwhile we haven’t. What the fuck is a point of passing a resolution if you aren’t going to back it up. That is why i really didn’t have a problem with invading Iraq. It sent a message of..don’t fuck with us…don’t jerk us around…you can’t just throw out the fact that you might have nukes…or kick out weapons inspectors, making it look like you are doing something wrong and just expect to be able to kick your feet up on the table and laugh at everyone. Kim Jong Il did you forget you are North Korea? You’re not the USSR, just because you are behind in the times and are probably so backwards that you still have that country on your maps…it doesn’t mean the world still operates that way. I mean even their excuses are behind the times….Oh its not a long range missle launch…its a satellite. Really? We were using that excuse back in the 40s (weather balloons and roswell…remember that)…and it was a lame back then. Did you think we wouldn’t notice that there aren’t any more satellites in orbit. I’m sure all the N.Korean officials were high fiving each other…’we got those fuckers!’ they thought…too bad in the US or in the UN everyone was just shaking their heads. North Korea would be like the middle school kid that somehow still believes in Santa….you kind of leave him alone and let him figure it out for himself, meanwhile you ignore his threats about how you are going to get a lump of coal for Christmas.
So another sign that the world is about to end is the fact that the new fast and the furious movie is the #1 movie in America. Even more depressing is the fact that it is beating out Pixar films….It did more its opening weekend than ‘Cars’ and ‘Monsters Vs. Aliens’ and monsters vs aliens even had 3-D in it. How could we let this happen? How does Vin Diesel get to revive his career while so many deserving talented people and professionals watch their careers disappear. You know none of the actors even had to look at a script. The director starts to say something…paul walker and Vin just say…”Push the pedal down…play some ja rule music…yeah we got it”. I bet you anything Vin Diesel got to ad lib…not because he is an acting prodigy but because the script/plot had to be basically non-existent…They just picked out cars and started filming. One trailer some chick says something like which do you want more (shows a car and her) Vin Diesel says…Both…I can always appreciate a nice body. Then FAST AND THE FURIOUS pops up on the screen. Meanwhile i’ve got my hands on my head and am jumping off the couch…oh jesus! are you kidding me….oh man..please tell me this can’t be…we are paying this guy millions. I wish this frachise would just Tokyo Drift off a fucking cliff.
There is a show coming out called pitchmen it basically has Billy Mays and the Australian dude that does the point and paint and some other products…evaluating other people potential infomercial products. I can’t wait for a full of him self Billy Mays play the roll of ‘expert’ . Billy Mays here!!! you product sucks balls get the fuck out of here!
Spike TV is 100% in tune with their audience. How do i know this….here was the line-up last night. 3 hours straight of UFC….4 episodes of 1000 ways to die complete with corny punch lines….followed by Manswers (which always finds ways to work boobs questions into the mix)…and they are showing previews every commercial break of a show where they take a bunch of ancient weapons and smash shit with them to find out which warrior group was the best. Bravo Spike, you are doing what you were created to do. Remember when that channel used to be called TNN….i don’t think anyone ever watched TNN for anything…The only shows i could think they used to have were ‘Renegade’…’walker texas ranger’…and ‘Hee Haw’. You remember Renegade…it was the show about the ex-con thats style of Justice consisted of a motorcycle…mullet…denim vest…and a sawed off shotgun….fuck yeah! I feel like kids all across Canada still have posters of that fucker up in their bedrooms.
The movie Choke…and Gran Torino….both great movies…don’t listen to Ant. It does crack me up though because you normally know if Ant is having a good time or not by about half-way through the movie…If he says nothing…you’re fine…that just means he’s indifferent. Once the word ridiculous is uttered…fucking forget it. Its game over…Ant doesn’t want to hear any more about the movie once it is over…and his only retort to questions about what he thought of the movie will be as follows…”oh man, are you kidding me” “That movie was FUCKING RIDICULOUS” …a sarcastic drawn out OK…or a simple head shake. I’m sorry movies are ridiculous to you Ant, i’ll shoot a movie for you that consists of mediocre days at work.. a half hour of commuting from work singing to songs and cussing at bad drivers…followed by an acceptable dinner, balancing a checking account and going to bed at a reasonable hour. There’s your realism. I like strange or quirky movies because they are different, because its something you don’t see everyday, it helps break up the monotony….Because its not realistic, because i thought movies were supposed to kind of take you out of your own life…
Choke was a book written by the same guy that wrote fight club. Its about a guy that’s a sex addict, his sex addict friends, and the fact that he chokes on food on purpose to get money and affection out of people.
but thats just me….Ant you can stop shaking your head now…no more movie blog speak.
Blog?
Oh man…my blog fuel is running on fumes right now…i need topics and ideas to function further…
Here’s all i’ve got..
A-Rod decided after giving his press conference telling everyone that his cousin hooked him up with the ‘roids it would be a good idea to be seen in public with him ASAP. Like try the first or second spring training game…atleast if you were out eating you could say..’hey just having family time’ but you decided to leave the ball park with him…you are an idiot sir.
Hey you know what’s dumber than A-Rod…the idea that to stop foreclosers we get to help people that tried to live a larger life than their salary pay for their houses…Why can’t anything ever be passed that just helps the hard working honest people? seriously…at this point i’m almost ok with a screw the homless bill if it just means that blue collared and middle class get something for them.
I saw something on tv that said ‘is it worth it to go to college’ oh i don’t know…ask the 50 people that work for me that get paid hourly and work 2 jobs just to get by…those people bust their asses everyday….i’m pretty sure if you said…hey…take some time off we’ll pay for school don’t worry about bills…they wouldn’t say fuck you…i love working 80 hours a week and not seeing my family…i’m guessing they will go the college route and be happy with their huge amount of debt…but even happier with their higher salary and only one job.
I decided to weigh myself today….i weigh 210 lbs. see i had known for a while that i hit and was probably over the 2 century mark but had been putting off the scale for a while to avoid seeing the damage…i really want to get into shape…but don’t want to put an elaborate plan together that i’m just going to ignore…I’m assuming that by cutting down beer intake a lot of other stuff will follow…
Less beer = less snap decisions to order food
Less beer = more time to be productive
Less Beer = ability to function physically
And the only other thing i’ve got is i’m going to unload the truck everyday which should help out a bit….cuz that’s a solid 1-1.5 hour of lifting and throwing things as fast as you can…so that’s solid..
really though, a workout plan i could live with would be steady sex…but that ain’t happening so i guess i better put an order in for ‘The Gazelle’ and ‘the ab lounge’ Help me out Tony Little.
Pirate Mike was asking about possible playlists for the cruise…here’s an idea…anything that doesn’t have lyrics to have to sing and remember…it should just be fun sounds…because that is all we will be able to grasp at that point.
Here’s my playlist….Wake up….go up by pool…hit on girls…drink…get drunk…attempt to get laid…off shore excursion…back on boat…waterslide…shower…casino…get drunk…hit on more girls…try and get laid again….win the scavenger hunt that consists of finding my keys…wallet…and room…..
Because seriously…lil wayne songs and jai ho can’t even beat that shit.
JMU mike confirmed that we don’t need a passport for the cruise….
Ok pop quiz hot shot! What about a vial of my blood and an expired military ID? Why aren’t i using my driver’s license you ask…just don’t wanna.
Your Monday Blog Written On Sunday
So i’ve been working 12 hour days…for me that means waking up at 8:50 and getting home as late as 9:30 some days…and some days since people can’t drive in the rain…its like when they see rain they assume all their tires are going to burst at the same time and they are going to t-bone a short bus…that’s how careful they are…so careful that my 15 minute drive turns into an hour and a half…what the fuck…i’m happy cuz its only an 11 hour day..next thing i know i have a few hours until i need to go to bed…plus…i kind of had to piss before the commute…by the time i got home it was a photo finish.
So…Ant owed me some money for a christmas present…and asked if i took check..that’s when i realized if i were a bank…
I’d want to wear a 20 gallon hat…fuck 10 gallons…that shit would be flapping around everywhere at the slightest movement…COOOOOOOOOOOOME ON DOWN…TO THE BAAAAAAAAAAAANK OF RUDY!!!!
I’ll start off by saying no CODs or Money orders but we do take….Hope…teeth…hair…monopoly money…I.O.U’s….your own currency…confidence…body parts…people…promises…your credit score…..finger nails..we’ll take pretty much anything…cuz hey you’ve seen the economy.
The only reason the economy is a good thing…cuz you can use that shit as an excuse for ANYTHING…sir…do you know why i stopped you…”the economy”….why did you cheat on me…”well you know the economy…how am i going to pass up a buy one get one free”….”Why did you eat all my food…the economy mother fucker…its a dog eat dog world out there…and the dog you had in the fridge looked pretty good” Dude…we don’t have a dog…my little sister’s hamster died the other day and she wanted to burry it…. “Deal with it…America’s broke?”
I think we need another cold war…remember that shit…of course you don’t cuz like me you weren’t born…but you know what…it gave us a common enemy to take our minds off of anything else…the Soviets were awesome…because guess what…no matter how bad life was…at least you weren’t no commie red bastard…we NEEEEED that. Seriously….that’s what bush was trying to get at…declare an Axis of evil…spin a wheel..where it lands..cold war..nuclear arms race…we can even donate some TO them…just to justify us bulking up as well and getting people riled up..cuz lets face it..we all knew Iraq and Afghanistan would be no match. Shit…i’ll move to mexico and start a movement where we all call each other comrade just so the united states hates us and starts an almost war against us…cuz guess what…we’d be a country again…right now its like its Halloween and someone just door ditched our country…we look outside and the family Jack-O-Laterns have been smashed on the porch.
Infomercials have effected my life greatly…you know…at first i didn’t think any of the products were legit….i was a doubter much like you…but i have some knowledge to offer…and if you read on…I’LL DOUBLE YOUR OFFER
Ok…so first was the Hercules hook…they work…punch em in you wall…spin em around…next thing you know you have statues hanging from your walls
Next…Mighty Putty…my side mirror has been on for about a year with that shit with no sign of stopping
After that…Handy Switch…i now made a light switch out of my corner lamp…my room has never been so illuminated…for a while it was a waste of money…my lamp…cuz who is going to stumble over furniture everyday just to turn on a lamp…well NO NEED with HANDY SWITCH
Shamwow! just bought them…VINCE YOU ARE THE MAN!!! I keep on feeling like i should spill some shit just to try them out…we haven’t had a huge mess yet…but we could have a triple homicide…and we’d be prepared…SHAM…Motherfuckin..WOW!
Trying some people at work what my job consists of is like teaching a monkey Physics…guess what teaching a monkey colors is fucking impressive….Coco knew fucking sign language…but that’s how foreign the concept of my job to other people in the store is….no one is teaching newton’s laws of motion to a chimp…i don’t care how little genes separate us.
I’m going to sponser a hippie…they try to limit pollution…so i’m going to an F-350 take off the muffler…load it to maximum hauling capacity and drive it through state parks…the whole time of course i will be eating fast food leftovers out of non-biodegradable containers…and blaring southern classic rock.
I wont say my whole comment on JMU’s football game…but i feel that Mickey Matthews son is a more talented WR than what we are dealing with right now.
So the girl at the front desk the other day stopped me…after another long day…she asked me if i knew the 6 foot tall darker built black guy…at this point i said…”yeah Ant? He’s my roommate.” she then kept explaining him…”yeah he works out alot…hangs out with the shorter guy and a white guy too”…Yeah ANT MY FUCKING ROOMATE (I thought)….but i did respond…’oh yeah…the little guy is my roomie too”
Oh what i’m trying to get at Ant…Jermaine lost your number…and he WANTS IT…..BAD
I was thinking…maybe i should just tell girls i don’t have sex….play some mind games…it wouldn’t work though…ideally it would pose as a challenge…but actually…as soon as I noticed it was a female who had breasts…it would be over…because i have very little female interaction in life…because at work…i’m work rudy….nice guy…sarcasm is only harmless…and i might as well be a unic…because i’m not losing my fucking job…so i don’t even look at anything any other ways…and maybe that’s why i can’t get a girl..because i’m so used to being motherfucking angel unic rudy that i blow all my chances
Throwback Blog….Daylight Savings Time
Daylight savings has fucked my whole shit up. It feels like a monday…i feel like i have a whole week to work when really this is my last day before a few off….Which i guess is a good thing…maybe we should have daylight savings time about every month….Actually screw that just knock me out and wake me up when its warm again.
VA’s weather is controlled by someone that’s bi-polar…seriously in the last two weeks we’ve gone from frost to 60 to raining to actual fall weather. Its a wonder people are ever actually healthy in VA…because god knows the body has no idea what to do. It’s like your body is playing a massive game of simon says…or red light green light with mother nature…one fuck up and you’re sick for a week.
Have you realized that it seems to be perfectly acceptable to be racist against asian people…doesn’t matter where they are from…Though it would be hard if we could only be racists against South Koreans or something…you’d have to ask everyone you suspect before something..because THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME…see even in caps there will be no backlash because somewhere down the line the FCC, ACLU, and whatever other organizations just decided that they’ve got too much shit on their plate and they had to pick a race to ignore..
I mean think about it…TV shows…movies…what isn’t bleeped out on tv….If i had a show that featured Jerome the black dice player that speaks only in slang eats watermelon, chicken and drinks 40oz’s i would be kicked off of TV before the intro music ended.
But if it was Lee who was great at math..shy..short with a small dick…no problem…
Case in point, watch any rush hour movie. Chris Tucker comes off as the most racist man alive…I’m sure when they were accused of it they just said…nuh uh…look they’re partners.(wow i just realized jackie chan’s character’s name IS Actuallly Lee)
You think Jackie Chan actually liked doing his own stunts? FALSE, he was forced to, because he was viewed as 2nd class and no one would step in for him..Poor bastard. I bet George Clooney has never even thought of doing stunts…in fact an asian was probably called in to do it for him.
I’m happy about the Obama thing…but i don’t play around and think things are going to change…i mean he will do some things…but overall politics in america are more about image than anything else now…mainly because congress is all about being a career politician….can you blame them though…
Here’s your set up…sit in a room with all of you buddies and vote for whatever keeps you in the sweet ass club you’re in. People throw you money just to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Girls, no problem…you get free shit everywhere…sounds nice.
It would be like if you were in elementary school and you got invited to be in a club that had the sickest tree house…a Sega AND super nintendo…unlimited cookies…and you were allowed to drink soda…All you have to do is kiss up to the kid’s parents even if you don’t like the other people in it…even if you don’t believe what the parents want or say…doesn’t matter you’re staying in that fucking clubhouse..cuz mom only lets you have sprite…or other soda without caffiene…and you are pretty sure caffiene is what life’s all about.
Ant says people wanna stick him for his starch…that’s how you know when you’ve moved up in the world…when you relate to Biggie’s songs through missing laundry aids. I can’t wait until Ant re-makes Ice Cube’s today was a good day….it would include chipotle, lifting weights in small shirts, the eagles winning, hanging out with mascots, but just like Cube’s video..it doesn’t end well…he has no starch and his pants dried wrong so now his legs are all itchy.
In related news…JMU Mike is known to fuck around and get a triple double…As well as knowing every word to the song “I get around” I’m gonna get him drunk and buy him the plastic glasses and nose that shockG wears so he can switch back and forth between them.
I wish on the end of one of Pirate Mike’s trips he would just come back with a life altering decision being made…like he’s part of the nation of Islam now and just walks in with the full get up and says praise to Allah after every few words. Or like all the sudden he just decides not to eat a fairly obscure food…DUDE YOU KNOW I DON’T EAT CILANTRO…OR BEETS…why would you make me cilantro beets for dinner…(i don’t think that’s real)
What happened to good old rock and roll bands…when is the last time you’ve heard a good story about a modern rock and roll band…It’s like…Oh i heard Hinder forgot to balance their checkbook the other day..they’re hardcore…Fucking pansies.
Ozzy Ozbourne would have already snorted a line of black ants…lapped up piss..and bit heads off of various animals (all true) by the time it took Nickleback to call around to check for better rates on their car insurance.
While Fall Out Boy are out getting Henna tattoos and mochas…Led Zeppelin is getting moms and daughters to sleep together…and Gene Simmons has found out there is something called AIDS II…Super Sypholreah…and mega crabs.
Scott Wiland (dont know how to spell his name…lead singer from STP) doesn’t do heroin anymore, Guns ‘N Roses hired a guitar player that wears a bucket on his head and axel wears corn rows. Nas was right when he said rap was dead..but he should have crossed out rap and said good mainstream music.
We can always count on two things making the music news though…George Michaels public masterbation and crack habit….And Michael Jackson’s obsession with kids…i wish Jackson came out with a cologne called obsession and it just smelled like cotton candy, kool-aid, and little boy penis.
Did you know MJ is actually trying to move into a house in Vegas across from an elementary school compliments of Steve Wynn…true story.. families in around the place are actually protesting..
You know you’re a piece of shit when moving to an area causes protests…
Horacio Sans and Jack Black’s comedy are both underused…jack black takes WHATEVER is thrown in his direction…too bad because he’s funny as shit and Kung-Fu panda was the worst premise for a movie ever.
MixedAssRachel: Has a rear view cam…now she only needs to invest in a front, left, and right cam…oh and a personal driver…then we will really be safe
We sell Shamwow!s at my store…didn’t know if you were aware…but they are made in Germany so you know they’re good…and they’ll save you 100’s of dollars that you would be spending on paper towel
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 