I want to start an app on facebook. It lets your plauge farmville farms with locusts or whatever other farm distroying thing you want. It ONLY happens if someone hits you with a farmville update that clogs up your news feed. It will keep my new feed condensed to just normal old stalking…AND punish those that are more concerned with telling me about their lonely brown cows.
Before we start this…You want to know what the worst possible headline a man could read. “Woman Gets Pregnant Through Blowjob”
And with that its time to kick off the second half of the first round.
I’m your announcer Mitch Richmond….and am happy to be with you during day two of the tournament.
We kick it off in Western Vietnam with Kenny Powers throwing out the first pitch!!!
How the fuck do i get roped into this…a first pitch REALLY!?!? No baseball is being played…no ball will be used…what the fuck..this is the most unprofessional thing i’ve ever been involved in(mutters under his breath)
(sighs) Right down the plate…for some fucking reason…
Ok lets get this over so i can get paid (you hear crinkles and a pop and realize he has just opened a beer and pork rinds)
Match 1: Dead Celebs Vs. New Years
What’s this?!?! a treat for the fans…looks like we are re-creating thriller!!! Oh wait…..its just Michael Jackson before he died…that’s sad…and disapointing…(the fans quickly die down as they realize mj is just waving) For the first time in his life Jackson is upstaged….BUT WAIT….THERE’S MORE……LIFE BEYOND THE GRAVE!!!!! Zombie Billy Mays bursts through the curtains and the crowd goes fucking APE SHIT….he’s throwing out many of his products…sure to change lives…..
Mich Richmond: If Billy Mays was alive the crisis in Haiti would be over….all the houses would already be mighty puttied back together…end of fucking story.
Billy Signs a few pairs of breasts and blows a line off a stripers ass *smack* billy gives it a quick spank and flips over the top ropes
Jackson is wearing his Harry Potter/court attire and just keeps blowing kisses
Suddenly some smoke and lasers start……the room gets dark….10…9…8..7…6…5…4…3…2..1..!!!!!2010!!!!! Pyrotechnics go off and “tonights gonna be a good night” starts playing from the Black Eyed Peas…and drunkards start stumbling through the curtains half dancing…half making out.
Jerrad eats a hand full of chips…throws the rest at the dead celebs…and then passes out…this is going to be interesting…
NYE participant Ant starts with a running clothesline that takes down both Jacko and Mays….The crowd ROARS with approval…while ant is celebrating though he gets taken down by “Godzilla” who popped out of the other side of the ring and litterally eats him….Tough break ant…that’s what you get for looking so delicious to women all the time..
Pox picks up the daybead and annihalates godzilla. put just then!!!!
fwap! two Hercules Hooks slam into pox and billy mays throws him into the crowd…..He then says…BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE….he Zorbies up the blood and rings it into Rudy’s eyes…blinding him….and without rudy’s knowledge he had a mighty switch installed into his heart….Billy states “this is an offer to die for” flips the switch and the defective product not only shuts off rudy’s heart but burns him.
JMU mike slams two Monster and Vodkas and then jams the empty cans into Billy’s eyes blinding him….Billy is bleeding profusely….
He does the unthinkable and hocks another persons product by putting on the (bullshit) HD vision glasses…solving all of his problems…
Mike is astonished and its about that time Jackson ties their wrists together and starts cutting him to ribbons with a switch blade all while inexplicably changing into a orange leather coat
“that’s why he’s the greatest performer ever to live….or die folks” Richmond states
As they start to celebrate some unexpected music starts over the speakers
“I am a real american” starts BLARING over the loud speakers…..WHAT’S THIS!?!?!?
ALL 5’0″ nothing of crass and blue singlet with a purple overcoat appear….THE FANS GO FUCKING NUTS…
ITS LAST YEAR CINDERELLA….STEEEEEEEVE!
She’s waiving her same old flag….just like before…stumbling to the ring…She hands her flag to Hacksaw jim duggan and executes the coat check dive on both MJ and Mays….
only problem….Steve is a small lady….and the celebs catch he in mid air…They both slam her to the ground….mays shoves mighty putty in her nose and mouth….it hardens and the match is over.
“OOOOOOOH, A NEAR UPSET BY NYE 2009…but mays and jacko show why they are a top seed”
Winner: Dead Celebs by multiple homocide
….meanwhile in a pool in Saigon
the second match of the W. ‘Nam bracket is set to go…in a public…pool…that’s right…this match will be decided by marco polo
FFX Evo Vs. BB Incident
They call the coin toss for who is going to be ‘it’
These are of course…”hardcore marco polo rules” meaning that while “fishy out of water is legal” the people being sought out can retailiate….of course as a standard hardcore match..the fish out of water has access to a harpoon gun…and also the people being chased…if they touch the person who is ‘it’ can inflict any damage they wish with total immunity.
BB loses the toss and finds out he is going to be it this puts BB at a distinct advantage seeing as though the BB incident only includes 3 people and one can’t run….FFX Towers EVO has a shit load of people…but will not be able to use sight.
The match starts right away…
“Oh dramatic starts as Rudy as a fish out of water eliminates a FFX EVO team member with a dart to the head”
“and he makes it back in before the “outta water” call”
POP POP POP….Rudy has had both limbs wounded and is now laboring back to the shallow end…
BRAAAAAASSSSSSH! Ant has caught a FFX team member and slamed them all the way to the bottom of the pool
you hear alot of furious splashing (its obviously pox and his water wings)
POP POP….Pox is down a water wing and is swimming in circles…
OHHHH out of nowhere a FFX team member wanders into rudy’s clutches…kind of like watching a fly land in a spider’s web…a quick sweep and four punches and they are out…
THWUNK!!! Another FFX team member is down as ant fires the bolt and it decapitates the opposing team member he then dives in and palms two heads driving them to the bottom…defeating two more….but we all know water is ant’s weakness…he breaks his neck on the bottom and is out…
Finally it is Rhondie Vs. Pox….Rhondie is wandering around the pool an easy target…both hating water and staying way too visible…scared to get her hair wet…who would have thought the pre-match relaxer would come back to haunt her???? She just wanted to look good for the match.
Marco? BAMMM! Pox connects and downs the last foe.
Winner: BB INCIDENT by drownings, decapitations and so forth
Match 3: 617 Vs. Cruisin for a bruisin
Cruisin for a bruisin are all backstage…hung over…and trying to get readjusted to land…
617….rookie of the year candidates are pumped!
Wasting NO time… “hanging tough” by New Kids on the Block starts playing as Marissa and Linds start executing beautifully synchronized fist pumps…
Cruisin stumbles through the curtain…Rudy pukes….JMU Mike and Megabear are trying to pick up chicks with fake professions….Ant is hampered by a woman on his back…This looks like its going to be easy.
Add to the fact that this match is taking place on a moon bounce and things aren’t looking good.
Megabear states that “he teaches professional shooters how to shoot professionally” and immediately is taken down by a SWAT sniper who refutes the claim
JMU Mike is in tears as someone actually thought he was “doctor mike” and he failed to resessutate an injured civilian.
Pox is too busy throwing up in his snorkel to make it to the ring….
Its a pathetic sight really
BWAAAAH! Rudy is still throwing up…
that leaves it to ant…
he enters the ring and 617 time a jump sending a shockwave across the Moonbounce knocking down ant and his dance partner….
Their ferocity well documented….Marissa locks ant in a rear naked choke and Linds goes for the triangle choke on his dance partner…
This match was over before it started…
Last match…215 Vs. Key West II
Rudy and the AL are blacked out and don’t make it…so gays from Duvall St. sub in. Too bad its a softball game…
“I guess this would have been the time for the first pitch…” states king of the obvious Mitch Richmond
Its about that time a limp wristed pitch leads to Kates knocking a foul ball into his nose…
A few pitches later and its a solo homer
Drew steps up…its all the same…
Christmas is drinking a strawberry mojito on 3rd and can’t seem to be bothered fielding the ball…also…you expect him to break his nails…pssssh
Ray is getting ready for his latest stage show and could care less to stop the fly ball heading towards him…he misses the ball….but spills NONE of his martini…
They call the game after the first inning…but Key West II puts on a stunning rendition of “Single Ladies”
Second round brackets will be announced on monday….the tournament will be reorganized because i fucking feel like it…so read this shit so it doesn’t spoil it for you!
Welcome to the kick off of the 2009 wrap-up tourney. Our entrants have been hard at work training and watching film on their opponents and now its time to see if that shit paid off.
A Quick Disclaimer before we Start….Lets remember…this is a ridiculous tournament…the only thing more ridiculous than this tournament….people getting their feelings hurt by this fucking tournament. Anything said is in good fun and NOT MENT TO HURT FEELINGS!!!
Again welcome to the 2009 wrap-up!!! Live from a many non-famous locales. With action sure to enthrall 10s of people!
Post Cards Vs. Relationships Vs. 80s Party
Randy Vitale here estranged brother of very famous Dick Vitale…bringing you the play-by-play on our play-in match up that is sure to have absolutely no effect on the rest of the tournament…LIVE From Empty Apt217…and Annie!!!
As the camera pans around there is literally only one person there….Annie…and even with nothing in her apartment she decides she has better things to do.
Breaking news! Just minutes from the start of the match we have learned that both MixedAssRaechel and AdoptedRoommate215 (the sisterly tag team from last year) are stuck in Manteo, NC….Raechel forgot to put the car in Reverse and instead has driven through the garage and into the living room. Too bad she also forgot to put gas in the car, so there wasn’t enough left to restart it.
Sarcasmo, Jenna, Roger have been spotted however.
Sarcasmo is armed with clay, and two small brown children
Jenna has a quiet rage building
Roger just looks like he’s up to something….always seems like he’s up to something.
Post Cards is sending out instant updates of everything happening… (hold on….Vrrrrrm….Vrrrrmmm….Fucking pockets i know the sisters didn’t make it to the tournament…i’m writing the fucking blog!)
But what’s this exciting twist!?! We hear some beatboxing outside….the aroma of a fresh boner fills the room. And that’s when we see them…BonerJams2009 and special 80s guest partner Mario Lopez!
Annie kicks the front door of her apartment open and that i guess is the closest thing we have to a bell.
Oh bold move! Sarcasmo immediately throws one cute indian child at post cards pox smashing him in the face…..Pox is bleeding…but instead of fighting back starts texting everyone that he’s in the wrap up tourney…he then suggests a few places to eat next time you’re in Chi-town….As he’s distracted it gives Jenna enough time to run over and smash him in the face with her acoustic guitar (lets be honest she looks a little Jewelesque). Pox is down! Pox is down and the blackberry has careened across the room!
Sarcasmo has found some weed and is now going through the VHS collection the 217 crew left behind in the apt…cuz NO ONE WATCHES VHS ANYMORE!
As she does this Bonerjams pulls out an unexpected move…allowing Mario Lopez to use his boner as a spring board….OH FLYING CLOTHESLINE TO ROGER!!!
A few hip thrusts and dimple show offs later….team 80s party gets back to buisness. But not before Roger uses the power behind his beautiful eyes to entrance Mario Lopez. Its at that time Sarcasmo goes for a kill shot….but falls and hits her knee…
God…this fight is awful….
(the camera goes in and out of focus….there seems to be an exteremly large man dressed in all black and an executioner mask outside. Its then the camera man sees the red light flashing through the cracked closet. A beep is heard and then the screen goes black)
You flip the channel and notice this interesting message scrolling
***Breaking news: Randy Vitale and first three participants in 2009 tourney die in apparent terror attack. Details to come; Glen bell founder of taco bell dead at 86;Obama app
Unbeknownst to these participants….Marks Pub has already advanced to the second round…they didn’t even have a hotel room or flight set aside for Outer Slombovia..poor bastards
Outer Slombovia Bracket
(1) Marks Pub advances due to the fact that everyone knows the play in game is always worthless in the NCAA tourney
(4) Game Changers Vs. (5) Angel Lindsey
One of the marquee match-ups generating some the biggest blog buzz so far involves these two. Who will win? the scooter….or the TRB. Accidental facials or My Nights off….Bets or Genuine suprise
“I’m just a girl” by No Doubt starts trickling out of the Inner Slombovian (the urban section of Slombovia) PA system to the joy of all in attendance….You hear some faint motorcycle noises followed by the curtains being blown back and then you see her. Wide-eyed and full of joy Linds!!! She does a small bunny hop with her scooter and it sends her FLYING down the ramp. She kicks in the E-Brake and a cloud of smoke kicks up by the ring. She blows the fans some kisses and hops into the ring. It should be noted her feet have not yet touched the ground. She may be the human equivalent of a humming bird.
Before she is done trying to personally thank every fan in attendance…. “poison” starts playing over the screen and immedatly Ant and Pox jump up out of the crowd and start dancing with the closest girl they see….Looks like the Game Changer (GC) already has some tricks up his sleeve. Add to the mix the fact that he is carrying a liter of Jose Cuervo and a case of Red Bull and this could be interesting.
The two combatants meet in the center of the ring. Angel Lindsey (AL) extends her hand in an attempt for a sportsmanlike start to the match. GC points up to the ceiling and AL gullible as ever looks up. Only problem is that as GC goes to slap AL and start the onslaught…he realizes he can’t…she’s just….too nice! AL sees his hand cocked back and assumes his is just going for a high five. She fives him…and gives a wide-eyed enthusiastic double thumbs up and nods. Game Changer pops open both Tequila and Red Bull and starts pouring both in his mouth…hoping this will lower his inhibitions.
Game Changer makes a bet with Angel Lindsey…who can hit softer….Lindsey starts with barely a tap…but what the fuck…GC still can’t hit her….But since he lost the bet he has to drink even more…
A case of redbull and bottle of tequila later…Game Changer has died of…sleep deprivation…and alcohol poisoning.
Winner: Angel Lindsey (somehow without throwing a punch)
In the filler time between the next match you think your TV has broken. Its all black….then you see an odd scene start to unfold. A light bulb is turned on and is swinging by a chain back and forth. Illuminating in a rhythmic fashion…a figure that seems vaguely familiar. The executioners hood donned you realize its the terrorist from earlier.
He identifies himself as “that which we do not talk about”. And says “Cheese Lives”. Then in a special news bulletin the anchor reports the terrorist submitted a note stating “That which we do not talk about has claimed that he will be found in every round of this tournament….he says he is representing all those events which could not be brought up due to potential offending of the involved parties. And to look for him to wreak havoc until he is included in the tournament”
“Well this is certainly shocking turn of events…but we will get you back to your regularly scheduled programming”
(3) Pendulum Vs. (6) Quirky
Quirky comes out first to Kelis’ “I’m bossy” representing the quirky one in a patented blue button down shirt. He enters the ring…then leaves the ring without notifying anyone.
Since no one knows the time frame…Pendulum enters the ring to “for whom the bell tolls” by Metallica. A 10 count a la WWE is started.
Bam! Out of nowhere Quirky appears in the center of the ring with a fistfull of chicken nuggets while munching of a few more…and upper cuts Pendulum!
Pendulum is down. But as he crawls to the corner he gets his hand on some of his magic monastic beer and springs to his feet immediately.
Pendulum (currently appearing as Pox) charges after Quirky and hits him with a spinning back kick…knocking Quirky back a few steps and causing him to spill some chicken nuggets. In the normal Quirky rules he most now dole out punishment atleast 3 times that of which he received. Quirky pulls out a folding chair from under the ring.
Woosh! MISS! WOOSH! MISSED AGAIN. Pockets’ agility much be too much to handle. What the fuck…(all the sudden Pendulum switches from Pox to Rudy)…POX MUST HAVE JUST GOTTEN LAID!!!
Rudy looks confused and has no idea where he is….
Rudy is bleeding profusely and the ref counts to 3.
As the ref is raising Quirky’s hands in victory….Quirky asks him “would he rather be a king of a poor country but have a hot wife….and have to blow a guy once a year….Or be king of a rich country…be married to a slightly above avg girl…but have to bang a dude once a year.”
The ref just stares for a little while…shakes his head…
(2) Pockets Vs. (7) Roommate situations of 516
Due to the merry-go-round nature of 516… no one could decide who would show up…
Pockets wins due to lack of competitor
(…ok the last one was lazy…but seriously…i’m at 6 written pages now…)
Who will come out of the Western Vietnam 1st Round?
What more does “That which we do not speak of” have in store for us?
What are the fans reactions of todays events?
Stay tuned for the Nocturnal Rudy’s 2009 Wrap-up!!!!
So first of all a few thoughts…
Watch the show Archer on FX…its on Thursdays at 10…
Also, if we could combine “Pants on the ground” and some sort of relief effort for Haiti we would make millions
Anyways…on to the first round match-ups. They will be broken down into two small regional brackets
Before i announce the match-ups there have been a few minor changes.
1) JMU Mike’s branding has been combined with Quirkiness
2) 217 has entered the tourney since this is their first full year…i’ll allow it
3) Post Cards Vs Relationships Vs Gin and Tonic will be the three way play-day for entry into the tourney.
Now…To the brackets….MOE!!!
The Outer Slombovia Bracket
(1) Mark’s Pub Vs. (8) Play-in winner
Lets be honest…there is no chance for the play-in winner…but we have to do it anyways.
(4) Game Changers Vs. (5) Angel Lindsey
Prediction: Game changers are huge….Alcohol…my days off…TRBs…all fall in this category…but i think this will turn out the closest match of the first round…
Too Close to call
(3) Pendulum Vs. (6) Quirky Incident
Prediction: I tend to have a bias on this one…i’m going pendulum…its basically a rule of science that rules mine and pockets’ lives….But lets not forget…READER PARTICIPATION MATTERS….let us not forget the historic “Steve Over Hester upset of 2008”. Just depends on how bad you want it.
(2) Birth of Pockets Vs. (7) 516 Roommate Situations
Prediction: While the 516 roommate situation caused many a shake up in ffx towers…who can take this away from pockets? I give this one to pockets in a landslide
Based on my predictions I don’t see much upset potential in outer slombovia
The Western Vietnam Bracket
(1) Dead Celebrities Vs. (8) New Year’s 2009
Billy Mays and MJ Vs. “The vegas style” hotel that is the gaylord. I give it to Billy Mays and Mike
(4) Fair Fax Towers Evolution Vs. (5) Getting Shot With BBs
I was affected directly by both of these…i give fairfax towers evolution the edge in this though for changing more peoples lives…However, losing the ability to walk properly for a few days does keep BBs in contention.
(3) Apt 617 Vs. (6) Cruisin for a bruisin
Rookie of the year candidates 617 match up on the past year’s big vacation blow out. I’m giving it to 617 for having a more continued effect. What happens in fairfax towers…lives with you forever….What happens on the cruise…gets settled on your account before you can leave the boat.
(2) Apt 217 Vs. (7) Key West II
217…veterans at this point in the game…line up against blackouts…and strippers. I’m leaning towards 217
There they are…your first round match-ups and predictions
The play-in game results will be posted tomorrow…
Remember…reader input is KEY!!! Feel free to sway the votes through impassioned comments. If the comments lack the tourney will be no fun…So respond to this shit!
Here are our contenders for the second annual Nocturnal Rudy year end wrap up…Lets take a mintue to recognize last year’s champion.
THE OPENING OF CLUB 215.
Club 215 take a bow…and bask in your last mintues of Fame.
Ok…now for the contestants….These are in no order right now…According to your comments i’ll do seeding and then the matchups for the first round.
Billy Mays, MJ, Swayze, i wont list the others…don’t need you getting all misty eyed on me.
The Birth of Pockets
Is looking like one of the favorites this year. As you should know…if for no other reason than by reading this blog. Pockets is my petite energetic roommate (formerly known as Pirate Mike, Scuba Mike, or the lil guy). See although he is the oldest of all of us…his youthful exuberance helped earn him this nickname. Who is Pockets you ask? Go watch Hook a few more times you fagmo…then come back and ask that. Ok, i’ll help you out….he’s the small black child that mushes up Peter’s face (Is that you peter?) Lumped into Pockets are things like his odd decisions for apt decorations such as nailing guitars to the wall…nailing a desk calendar to the wall (because he was excited for summer)
The cause of much joy….and MUCH more pain the mornings after…Mark’s Pub has become a staple in Fairfax Towers life. Whether it be the Karaoke, stiff drinks, Russian Bartenders, The owner…named Ray? Snowball fights, broken glasses, black outs, and snitching…the action at Mark’s Pub was and always is…hot and heavy
The Rise of 617
Even with a rotating cast, 617 is up for rookie of the year. Entering after the start of 2009 they soon started establishing themselves in the ranks through their good nature, cooking, and development.
The Merry-Go-Round of 516
JMU Mike has been the only constant. Rhonda, Lindsey J, Greg all moved out….Conclusion…don’t fucking live with JMU Mike
Fairfax Towers Evolution
The leaving of Jeremey, Tim, and Frank….The exit of 217…Rhonda becoming fancy and moving into a new place, The introduction of Rob and 617. There have been a lot of changes in 2009. Who knows how it will all turn out.
The proposed Sainthood of Lindsey
Perhaps the most innocent and naive person we all know. She has no problem telling people about her experience with facials. She’s the only person continually shocked by semi-offensive or sexual jokes. There is a 98% chance she doesn’t know what a penis looks like (much less feels like “a bag of sand” anyone?). And finally the only person i know that passed on crutches…to instead scooter themselves around for a month. We love you Lindsey.
Key West: The Sequel
Its not every day you go to Key West….and its certainly not every day you go to Key West with the AL and survive. A bar crawl on Duval St. is deadly enough…when you throw in the fact that we got through over 20 bars…2 strip clubs…blasts with a high pressure hose…mystery bruises…sausage cart dinners…and black outs…its a wonder we didn’t end up in the hospital. All i know is i woke up surrounded by Milano cookies…there was puke in the bathroom, and i threw my room card at a cab to get back to my hotel. The AL actually had no recollection of getting home..
Cruisin For A Bruisin
Cougars on the prowl, Teaching professional shooters how to shoot professionally, Dr. Mike, Anthony letting a girl “Ride him” during save a horse ride a cowboy, My near death experience in Cozumel, George the tool bag, excessive gambling and drinking, Gay Snorkeling….this cruise had it all
New Years 2009
The gaylord was an interesting place to navigate…throw in 10 people double fisting drinks the whole night…and sharing 2 hotel rooms…stealing daybeds…random champagne, and a girl that told ant “They should have been fucking 10 mintues ago” (godzilla) and you’ve got yourself an interesting nights.
JMU Mike’s Branding (“The Mike”, Wordsmith)
JMU mike tends to stake claims to things that he really doesn’t have the right to. Mostly to Ants dismay. He named a fairly common sexual maneuver after himself…along with calling himself a wordsmith for his puns and wit.
The Hesters, Roger, Brian, Chris, Fiona, Jenna, Megan…relationships touched us all
Either me OR pockets can have sex. One of us must remain celibate. Not by choice…the cosmos just happened to align this way. You know what they say “If Rudy’s Bed’s a rockin…Pockets is beating off”. On the upside, we have both started great paths on monkhood…watch out for some sick beers, and awesomely cross-pollenated plants
Ants expensive gift (The BB Incident)
Its rare that someone gives you a souvenir and you are stuck paying for it, but that is exactly what happened. One day I got home and my roommates were playing around with their shiney new BB Guns….Being shot with a BB before i told them they could each take a shot. Pockets shot and it left a welt. Ant took aim with his metal CO2 driven BB and left an everlasting memory in my leg. I now have a BB about 3/4 of the way through my calf. The worst part…try going to Urgent Care and explaining to doctors how you’re 24 but got shot in the leg with a BB…by your friend.
The 80s Party
Tight shorts, jean jackets, side pony tails,leg warmers, a lot of beer, jello shots, cake, pissed off girlfriends, workouts, fundamentals…it was all there…Including BonerJams!
Blackouts, Weather, JMU Mike’s “going to a dark place” switch, Overnights, TRBs, Bets…all things that can multiply the destruction during a night…or greatly affect the outcome
Pockets doesn’t text…he sends postcards. If he’s out of town…your a guaranteed to get a few texts letting you know how inferior your Virginia experience currently is. Is he hanging out with models…looking at tits? Eating Great Food? Probably all of them….and you’re probably either having a bad day at work or sleeping….
The Quirky Incident
JMU Mike was called quirky…because…well…he is…Its not an insult..everyone has quirks…however when this occurred it resulted in sulking…and instant pissed-offedness for weeks.
So sports is kind of crazy right now. I could care less about the baseball hall of fame fiasco…but Florida State “cheating” and Gilbert Arenas deserve some attention. And what the fuck is the need for a 3D TV…I’m still loving regular old HD.
Gilbert Arenas…guns are funny huh? Its going to be the $100 million joke no one laughed at. First of all…when you have someone write an apology for you and you send it out nationwide…you may..MAY want to read it so you can atleast play along with it. See an apology was issued about how what he did was wrong..then he jokes around with reporters and then the “double gun points” in the huddle? Now if anyone enjoys the double finger guns its this guy (pointing at myself with my thumbs)…and right along with the double finger guns…sign me up for double thumbs up. The difference between me and Gilbert Arenas…among many things…is that i didn’t bring a gun to work first. My double gun points are only idiotic and harmless in nature…and related to nothing serious. Gil where were the finger guns in the locker room? Don’t you think you should have switched it up a little bit, because last time i checked placing ACTUAL guns by someone…not a great idea for humor. Probably not speaking too great about your leadership when you make the news for making fun of an incident that you are still waiting to be punished for. Maybe a better headline would have been “Arenas realizes mistake and is going to local schools preaching gun safety”….you know or some shit like that.
Damn dude, you were better off just injuring your knee again and collecting another year’s worth of fat paychecks for contributing absolutely nothing to the team.
And Crittenton…what the fuck are you even doing in this situation. No one even knew you actually played in the NBA and you’re fucking around with betting. That seems like a sound financial decision. Oh, and what about the reports today about you loading and chambering a round in your weapon…Oops…just thought you’d skate on by huh. We’re not in a god damn Jon Woo movie i was just waiting for reports of fucking doves flying around the locker room…its DC…you know…the DC with strict gun laws…the one that changed the team name because of the violent connotation. Good lord…sometimes its just sad to see who we throw millions at.
Ok Florida State…you’re up. Now, the cheating…ok seems like a legit reason to be in trouble. I just think its so funny that this always makes the headlines, that and recruiting practices. Wait! Kids at top universities get help on tests, and they throw women at them during recruiting trips! No fucking way! What did you think this was? These players make millions for their universities…get paid nothing..but have sports as a full time job…you don’t think someone is going to fudge a grade here or there to make sure they get to play and make more money for everyone at the university? I don’t feel so bad about Bobby Bowden’s wins being taken away…because by the end he couldn’t even remember scores to the games he was CURRENTLY coaching…no…not recalling scores from the start of the season….recalling the score of the game they were currently in. The dumbest part of this whole thing though was that one player was in trouble for cheating on an online exam. I didn’t think you COULD cheat on an online exam…because i thought that was built into the concept of a fucking online exam. I remember i took an online final “closed notes” and it was only “closed notes” because the professor couldn’t say “go ahead cheat your asses off”. I think i got through one question without laying out a god damned command center full of open books…notes…texts..and advice from other people. In fact i think you should fail an online exam for not cheating. College is supposed to get you ready for the real world right? So shouldn’t you use the resources offered to you to solve the problem. I’m pretty sure if i referred to notes real quick while giving a presentation or talking to a higher up wouldn’t get me shit canned.
3-D TV are you fucking kidding me. That is going to be cool for about a day. I don’t want to have to wear glasses while watching TV. What happens if i break them…also, its just another thing to multitask…I’m DVRing three programs…shuffling through two different remotes…and now i have to worry about whether to quick grab my glasses so i don’t miss some ridiculous 3D programming? Oh shit, i didn’t realize they were replaying Katie Courics colonoscopy in 3D! Pause that shit…can’t miss this. I’m not saying it couldn’t be cool…i’m just saying people tend to be self-conscious enough in a dark theatre wearing 3-D glasses, and now you want me to plop down a bunch of money on a new tv and sit around looking like a fucking retard with all my friends for the night. Also, will the instance of puking while watching TV go up? I don’t know about you but watching 3D for a while makes me ill. Great now i’ll have to invest in some Resolve carpet cleaner too! Great, look what you’re doing to my Sony, Samsung and whoever else is doing this. If it drives consumer spending i guess its good. Just funny how to TV industry can keep being cutting edge but we can’t solve any ACTUAL problems in our country.
Well 10% of people don’t have jobs, our medical system is fucked up, politicians are corrupt, but atleast i can find out about it in all new 3D!
One more thing, REALLY not looking forward to all the 3D commercials trying to pitch special 3D episodes, or making you feel like a peice of crap because you haven’t hopped on the 3D bandwagon yet.
Also, lets take it easy on the old people….My grandparents just got a flat screen TV (standard def.) last year…they are just about to ease in DVD technology and still don’t have the internet yet. Now you want to throw 3D their way…Good lord we are driving these people into the ground. They are going to be burning TVs at the stake. You know that’s how they always dealt with it in their days. If you can’t explain it…its a witch. Country Kitchen Buffets are going to be in an uproar…I mean shit, i’m sure every time an old person accidently triggers cruise control on their car they think “the machines are finally taking over”. These are the same people that went into a panic when “world of the worlds” was played on the radio on april fools. Though, how much of a Dbag did that guy feel like when he had to say the whole thing was a hoax After people had killed themselves in a panic.
As my roommate Ant likes to say…”I’ve got the overnights” you say it in a way that you tell someone you have a disease…and when you combine this with retail it gives a pretty classic reaction. You would have thought that i have AIDS and Herpes and its up to you and me to repopulate the earth. People first try to comprehend it…”No you can’t Really be going to work NOW can you?” then they realize its not a joke. Then comes the bad job of trying to disguise their pity/disappointment. Then you throw in retail and you might as well not be human
This reminded me of the cruise…when JMU Mike and Big Cat (Megabear) were trying to pick up cougars and pulled out memorable lines like “I teach professional shooters how to shoot professionally” or “I’m a doctor” when questioned what he practiced “uhh i’m a general practitioner”. See i just can’t play a lie like that up well enough…I end on embellishing not one bit. “Uhh…i’m a manager of a retail store.” (sound of a missle dropping and exploding). It doesn’t really bother me…i just think its funny that everyone can come up with elaborate cover stories and i’m still just me. Meanwhile Pockets is neck deep in the fucking grey area. Before you know it he has millions of dollars and is a diplomat to 5 different countries….and he may or may not own an island.
I want to come up with a charity….but not a normal charity….a completely ridiculous charity. A charity that seems really out of touch…but no one can say anything because its a fucking charity and the fact is…you aren’t giving you money…so Suck It!
My Charity you ask?
Champagne for the Homeless. Yeah you say they might rather have the money for “shelter” “clothes” or “legitimate food” ….but i say…Hogwash! They are just going to spend the money you give them on booze anyways…why not give them the best money has to offer.
That’s right Champagne for the Homeless…giving you a classier, drunker hobo on the street.
So the Redskins signed Mike Shanahan huh? That’s cute. The redskins signing mike shanahan is like giving a blind guy a ferarri. Its like dropping a hemi into a ford festiva.Its like taking a kid to see santa….You think this man is going to do great things…but in a few years you’ll find out it was all a hoax. So ok Skins fans…you’ve got a shiny new toy…..the face on the wizard has changed but the same old crazy little man behind the curtain is running the show…so good luck.
The pope fell down like two weeks ago and they are still talking about it in the news. I didn’t realize the pope was made of glass. My roommate shot me in the leg at my own insistence and i got nothing but snickers and questioning looks in the doctors office. Fuckin’ Pope man…he’s SUPERfamous
Wanna see how sad our country is….wanna see that combined with shameless usage of our patriotism? Check out the fucking freedom tray…
1) The main chick on the commercial is obviously not American…normally fine…but when you call yourself the “freedom tray” you better have some stereotypical americans pitching that shit.
2) Buy one get one free? Its not enough to have one sorry son of a bitch use this…here! take another! Now you don’t have to slink into your seat shamefully after being spotted using your “Freedom Tray” we give a second out to help share that embarassment
3) Freedom Hugs? They’re just coozies….i like how they put them on water bottles too. Yeah right…has anyone in the history of humanity ever put a coozie on a bottle of water? Don’t fucking think so.
So the 2009 wrap up round 1 will be next week….submit topics now! After topics are submitted ill select the best…run down explanations of each…seed them…and put them into battle with one another…
I already know one team for sure…Dead Celebrities….Zombie Billy Mays and Jacko
Enjoy your fucking self
So its been close to a month from my last post….an all time low. But i’m back…and here we go
Winter blows…not only do you get out of the cold only to jump into a colder car to start the day….but the car tends to struggle a little more starting…errands are even more annoying to run…and when its especially cold mother nature gives you a big middle finger by allowing you to scrape off your windows before going anywhere….jacking up your utility bills…and generally being a bit of a cunt.
It has allowed me to come up with a couple observations though…
1) Snow storms tend to polarize people. The people that were A-holes before hand…really go out of their way to not help ANYONE ANYWHERE…These are the people that shovel their parking spot out…only to block in the people on either sides of them….pass by clueless and/or underpowered women stuck in the snow in their cars….Own trucks with plows just to drive around with them lifted making you wish they would plow your area.
But then you have the other side…you get more generous….helping people around you out…and generally being in a good mood. If you’re in the middle….then you’re kind of like a young Luke Skywalker trying to pick which side to go to…..Thinking about being a dick? have fun with one less hand VWWWWWOOAAAM (that’s my lightsaber sound)…I’ll be chillin here with my home made green crystal light saber a jedi level waiting for you (have i mentioned im a BIT of a nerd)
2) there are two types of bad snow drivers.
a) Speedy McLeadfoot: You think the only way out of any situation in the snow is to floor it. You will be stuck multiple times on a seemingly simple trip…you will hit people with your car….you will try to brave the snow in your rear wheel drive car, geo prism, or CRX. You mash on the gas at a green light…cause an ice slick and then either require assistance…or slowly drift back into traffic while everyone else watches in horror. You make a foothill look like god damn everest.
b) Trucker B. Dbag: You decide you’ll drive 10mph over the speed limit while everyone else creeps along screaming “TRUUUUUCKKK!!!” because after all..that’s what you bought it for right. You’ll help people out of the snow…but only while shaking your head and making them feel like assholes. You’ll create your own parking spaces. You will also underestimate what driving in the snow does…and be a fucking deathtrain.
^ example of trucker b. dbag…..I was at subway and this bitch just made her own parking space….as i sought out a legit one…she just parked in the middle of the parking lot…because if there’s snow on the ground and you have a truck laws obviously don’t apply to you. She gets in RIGHT before me…and orders 4 subs…for her office…and has to call the people once she gets there because she got all wet thinking about driving in the snow and forgot all the god damned orders. It was just me and her in the place! The few times i’ve been in a fast food place and i’m ordering for the office i tend to let the other person go first….fucking bitch.
…so that’s the snow..
Also, look out for Vinny And Rudy’s snow removal and Repo company…coming soon…. Me and ant were snow machines…What’s funny though…is after about an hour or two of pushing cars and shoveling…suddenly you have expert advice to give everyone. I’m just coming up with guesses…but suddenly after helping a few cars…i’m insisting on this information i have little to no “real” confidence in.
Josh is a D-Bag. You know the one i’m talking about….The original Josh…The “I’m just Joshin’ ya Josh” . How big of an asshole did that guy have to be. The guy that created the fact that what i just said wasn’t true…so stop getting so pissed off. I just hope he didn’t name “Joshing” after himself…that his group of “friends” somehow bestowed that upon him. And how bad would it be to be one of his friends. If “Joshing” was invented with him…you obviously fell for it every time. “You had sex with my mom while killing my puppy” (tears start to well up)…”oh i’m just joshing!!!” baaahahahaha. Josh probably couldn’t have kids since he was booted in the nuts so many times.
Guess who has more mother fucking kick ass infomercial products for you…
That’s right….THIS DICKHOLE!
1) Rudy’s Dick Sock: Guys have you ever had that embarassing boner but with no way to hide it (shows a high school kid in sweats…or a guy at a business meeting trying to put his portfolio folder in front of his boner)….Well worry no more! With Rudy’s Dick Sock’s patented “boner cling” technology…..you can have a hard on in peace…with no one being of the wiser.
It is basically a spandex tube that with the help of a non-abrasive adhesive…attatches to you…forcing your boner to rest gently on your stomach…with out the dreaded “quick draw manuever” You know the one…make sure no one is looking and grab the boner up real quick and belt it to yourself in order to avoid detection.
And if you order this you will get a free sample of my next product…Rudy’s Fuck Spray!
That’s right…now even if you’re not having sex you can smell like you do! Our spray smells like sex…and comes in two sizes. Room and Personal. Carry on in your pocket and give yourself a quick spray for that “hey i just had a quickie” or “its no big deal i just smell like sex” sensation. Friends coming over…the place is a mess…and you feel like a loser? Try the room size…one quick burst and you have a room reeking of sex drawing the envy of all your friends….Rudy’s Fuck Spray also comes with a guide full of excuses why the girl is no longer there.
Finally….the 2009 wrap up is upon us….throw out topics that you think should be on it….i already have a few of my own….Once the topics are finalized i’ll go ahead and list them with descriptions…match them up against each other and start the tourney…
Not sure what the fuck i’m talking about….Here’s a link to the 2008 wrap up tourney…
Ok…if that didn’t get your attention i give up…
First Topic: Jeff Duhnam sucks comedic dick
If you think Jeff Duhnam is funny you may be mildly retarded. See Jeff Dunham is not funny at all…and neither are his puppets. Ventriloquists have Never been funny…”Oh sweet i’m gonna watch a show of a guy that doesn’t have enough of a personality and story telling ability to say it himself or is too much of a pussy to do so…so he gets his “dummy” to do it for him”. I haven’t heard one funny Jeff Dunham joke and have tried Multiple times to give him a chance…but can never make it through one of his stand up specials…and now he gets a TV show? “Hey i’ve got an idea…lets give a guy who’s whole act revolves around the fact that he has to be attached to a puppet a sketch show” So its just a series of Jeff Duhnam being…well Jeff Duhnam starring with his puppets Peanut…and some racist skeleton terrorist that just says “I kill you” and everyone laughs. Also Jeff Duhnam suffers from Jimmy Fallon syndrome where he just has this goofy smirk on his face the whole time and seems to just get a little too much of a kick out of himself. Another reason i don’t like Jeff Duhnam….his whole routine involves him being outsmarted by himself. He makes some comment and his dummy…HimFuckingSelf then makes some quip to make him look stupid.
Ok…maybe you’re not mildly retarted if you like him…you can also be an over the hill housewife…or person that just doesn’t “get it” that is trying to make relevant references to pop culture. Like where everyone else is talking about moments from good shows and you can only quote clearly forgettable scenes from Jeff Duhnam and Carlos Mencia repeats.
The only way a Jeff Duhnam act could be lamer is if he was played on and off the stage by an accordion band
Topic 2: They should make Male Bumpits.
Wait. You don’t know what a Bumpit is? Son of a fucking bitch do i have to teach you about everything? What next a birds and bees conversation…well here’s a commercial.
Ok the male bumpit…one it would be awesome to see a guy rocking a bumpit to try and REALLY volumize his hair…
But the other funnier version…The male bumpit would be a “package volumizer” now if you saw it…you can keep the VERY beginning of the commercial showing a bunch of chicks and talking about women wanting “more volume” but after that it would show women looking in disgust or pointing and laughing at a bulge lacking young fellow. And then you have the “star wipe” into the next scene where the guy is parading his new found junk in public. And you could even keep the parts where they show you that “Bumpits” are for all occasions. They show your everyday bumpit…for just an added little boost but offering you the most flexibility and mobility. Then you have the ones for your formal occasions….a little bigger…noticeable but not overstated. Then finally…you keep the free “hollywood bumpit” Its crazy…like carnival crazy…because the hollywood male bumpit is basically like shoving a can of tennis balls down your pants to give you that “hollywood pornstar look”. Then the commercial would end with women twirling their hair and other guys crossing thier legs…and the proud owner gets in his Mustang 5.0 blaring “I can’t drive 55″ as he speeds off clueless into the sunset.
….Chalk up another couple mil for this guy
Topic 3: MLKs dreams trump the shit out of mine
My dreams involve me being late to work or forgetting to finish a truck…or not filling out paper work. Martin Luther King had a dream that everyone would live in harmony….FUCK…i’m kind of behind the curve on this one.
Topic 4: Pockets fillibusters his way into pussy.
See we have covered that my roommate pockets…or pirate mike..or whatever other names he goes by….lives in the grey area. And in the grey area ‘No’ is not an answer as much as its a suggestion. Nothing a little dancing and back rubs can’t cure….see don’t get me wrong…i’m not calling Pockets a Rapist or that he forces himself on anyone…Its just that he’s going to put together a fucking case for why you should allow him to go down on you. Oh…and he wont throw in the towel early…oh no…you can’t shake him…so you might as well give him what he’s going for…its gonna save you a lot of time….or do you want him to go through Exhibit 3 ALL OVER AGAIN. He’s polished this case…you’ve got no alibi…and the evidence mounts…the apartment is filled with charming guys and fun activities to wing man him…the evidence mounts further…he invites you to see his illegal movie collection and before you know it Pitbull is playing and you are mezmorized by his dancing…and knowledge of many choruses but very few verses of all the popular songs…”sum sumthin ya uh…CULO!” Thus is the pockets…in this war of attrition though…everyone wins…Mike looks like he fell face first into a Krispy Creme assembly line…and you now know what midget porn is like.
Tiger Woods has been linked to multiple pornstars…girls on his payroll…got his flavor dropped by Gatorade…Placards pulled by Tag Huer …wrecked an Escalade…Seriously man…you didn’t have to save it all up for one huge blow out. His approval rating by the public has dropped from 93 percent 3 years ago…to 38 percent as of sunday…Woof!
The Democracy of America is an illusion
See we have this whole checks and balances system…that’s a bunch of bullshit.
Our President is more like a figurehead than anything else…since he can only be elected to two terms but the people that pass or deny his bills have unlimited terms. Congress makes a big deal whenever someone sets the most consecutive terms held in office. To me its just sad. Yeah, Strom Thurmond congrats on being in the congress until you were 90 some years old….Do you really think that’s a good thing? Do you really think that at 90 years old he was completely there…cognitively…and giving the same energy he was 30 years before….Nope….and can you honestly think he was completely free of corruption…if you do you’re an idiot. And i’m not just talking about him…i’m talking about most incumbents in Congress.
See we try to say the president has a check on the legislature by being able to veto and select judges. But guess who has checks on everyone…lobbyists and campaign donators…and friends.
See if i was in a large position of power and i thought i had a friend that could do a decent job…and i could work with them…and they really wanted a job…i’d give them a shot…and that’s what happens in politics…but its not just friends….its friends…family members…campaign contributors…lobbyists…all the people you traded a slice of you beliefs for…for a vote….and then before you know it when you get in office you’re just a puppet. And if you’re lucky and you’ve kept your values…don’t worry…in time the lure of more money will get to you…and eventually you’ll start getting these “fund raising” contributions from groups even when you’re not running for re-election yet.
And eventually the bright eyed young politician out to bring the political machine down…has just become another…newer replacement part…and guess what? Incumbents are almost impossible to move out of office…because once you are in you have connections…connections with a ton of money and influence…so some new young guy may be coming up. But you now have experience and all of your friends on your side…so they have to fight an uphill battle…and you’re safe to keep the status quo for another few years….and you get another few years to pad your bank account
and that when you realize that you don’t want this to stop…you’ve been re-elected once….you don’t wanna get a real job again. So now you’ve decided you’re a career politician…and now the country doesn’t matter…just your re-election…you’ll say or do anything to get re-elected.
The funny thing though…is american’s..we don’t care…we just think electing a new president will do it…but the president is just one person…the presidential election seems to be a big deal…but no one gives a shit about the rest of them….and i can’t really fully blame them
People with power don’t just give up power. You think the CEO of the gap is going to just start folding clothes or running a store next year…NOPE not unless they are forced. So why expect politicians to just suddenly do the right thing for the sake of it? There are incumbents that vote on 50% or less of the bills on capital hill…or don’t even show up! If i did that i would have been fired about 3 years ago. But when its time for re-election they talk about their voting record and experience….Because they can pick and choose what to vote on…and only vote on things that makes them look good.
Halliburton and Titan contracts are a big reason why we are still in this “Quagmire” in Iraq
In an audit they were proved to be wasting over 1 billion dollars. When it was brought up to congress….no action was taken…because these same people were the VP’s buddies and were help paying their salary….even after 1 BILLION dollars of tax payer money went to waste…Halliburton’s contracts were renewed
Titan employed interpreters that had to take no formal test to be hired…and were now relaying info to our troops.
Titan employed interrogators….ones that worked in Abu Gharib….that helped in the torture an inhumane treatment of many iraqis….but there is no military tribunal for them…they get to go free…because the military doesn’t pay congressmen…companies do.
So its left us with a broken tax system, a broken healthcare system, social security with no real future, and a military that’s not in great shape…and we keep telling them great job!
And the thing is this greed…this addiction to power is everywhere.
The WTO (world trade organization) and World Bank have this great scheme. They loan money to 3rd world countries…see the world bank was originally created after WWII to help developing countries…but what has really happened? The WTO and World Bank have created a system of poverty and dependence. Because as said earlier…Who wants to give up power? So instead of giving up power here’s what you do. As the World Bank you loan a developing (which is a nice term for a poor country) some money…actually a shit ton of money…and what you tell them is that you’ll given them this money but only if they eliminate tariffs on goods. But what happens is that you then basically force them to import way more than before…because there are other larger countries that can make the good for cheaper.
Example: as stated in a previous blog Jamaica has fallen victim to this with their bananas…and milk. So bananas were originally thier biggest export…but after tariffs were no longer imposed…other countries could under cut them…so slowly but surely…the world put Jamaican banana farmers out of business. And then the WTO and World Bank said…”Hey how bout we make clothes in your country to help gain revenue….BUT these factories will be in a zone that isn’t “Technically” Jamaica” . So basically what happened were sweat shops in their country…and when they tried to strike against the conditions…workers from China were brought in.
This is now also being done with water. Kenya for example. When the World Bank gave them a loan a condition was they had to privatize water. Well problem with that is that basically 3 companies run privatized water (so the rich get richer)….and it jacks up the price for this essential need…to an astronomical rate…and people have no choice but pay. You wanna know why disease rates in these countries are so high…well it may have something to do with the fact that these people are forced to drink out of polluted streams or other unsafe water sources because they can’t afford the clean water. And the most fucked up thing…even when they pay for the water…they don’t know when it will actually run to their houses. In Kenya people leave the taps on…because water only works maybe one day a week…and there is no schedule so they don’t wanna miss it…oh but guess what…the meter is running the whole time the tap is open.
American companies get in on the game too. In mexico city when Vincento Fox was in power…Coca Cola got the largest water concessions in mexico…meaning while other people had to ration water…Coke got to use all they wanted….to produce more expensive water to then sell back to the people at a higher rate. And back in good old Kenya a coke costs half of what a Dasani does.
Lesson to be learned…question your government…and don’t stand for the injustice it creates.
You think any revolution in the medical system is going to happen? Watch the pharmaceutical companies and our congressmen…because they both have to benefit before we do.
The world’s governments are currently set up to try and keep everyone where they are at
Its reality…get fucking pissed off…because if we don’t nothing’s gonna change…and our “representatives” will laugh at us…all the way to the bank
check out the documentaires “Blue gold” and “Iraq for sale: The War profiteers” if you have netflix you can stream them instantly…make up your own mind.
oh…also…i fucking told you about Tiger Woods…IM OUT! (drops mic)