Read Me or Die..
So…got a bunch of randomness pent up.
I firmly believe that if you just made doors more flammable there would be significantly less deaths in fires….flames touch the door and ‘Poof’…good bye door…hello doorway…. it would greatly cut down the confusion of which way to run…
I’m going to start making censored nutrition labels for people. No those aren’t girl scout cookies…see they are “Super Healthy Fun Bars” and would you know the fat content has been changed with ‘Confidence’ huh…would you look at that…apparently confidence is measured in mg and even has a suggested daily intake. Calories…no thanks….just one quick strike of a sharpie…and now its tastiness.
..you’re welcome.
Speaking of things that would be awesome if they were healthy…check out www.thisiswhyyourefat.com it’s fantastic. It shows you all the most unhealthy food you could ever think of. The actual ‘taco town taco’ from SNL lore….chicken fried bacon…deep fried candy….white castle casserole (consists of 6 sliders covered in gravy and cheese and then baked)…..My new creation is going to be submitted soon…and even though i honestly didn’t want to eat it…i figured i must or i would be a phony trying to post it online….Its called an Ulcerdog, and the best part is all the items needed are at your local 7-11! Take a cheeseburger big bite (1/4lb. burger rolled into hot dog shape and injected w/ cheese) top it with nacho cheese…then add chilli…then a little more nacho cheese…add onions….then take one piece of string cheese rip it into three pieces….throw on top and close it up and let it melt on the drive home….ready some TP and eat!!!
…Bon Appetit!
I hate overenthusiastic calls by refs in sports…not so much as a fan…it can add excitement…but as a player…especially a player on the losing end of the call…you’re like “what the fuck man?” I mean…they aren’t playing in the game….they don’t win or lose…but they are going to let you know you spent 1 second too long in the lane…and make sure you know about it…like there is no…NO doubt about it…because he’s running at you blowing his whistle…face turning purple as he’s pointing at your feet..Yeah i got it dick…just give them the ball and lets get this going….meanwhile the ref is doing an impression of you looking goofy standing in the lane…gets his other ref buddy to blow the whistle and then does the impression of you just shrugging and sluffing off…Refs are dicks.
I swear to god its like playing fucking modern frogger whenever you merge from I-66 East to 495N Why oh why V-Dot would you make me merge starting at the far left lane on a 5 lane highway….Good Lord! Oh watch this guys (oh no he wont…no way he can do that…oh he did…VDOT all high fives each other) bam…there you go…lets see motherfuckers run this gauntlet on a daily basis. I had one mile to drive across those lanes in morning rush hour (had to take an alternate route home from work involving 66 instead of just 495). I get out and danger is all around…Ladies driving SUVs while on cell phones or doing make-up along with semis and construction vehicles would be the water in this version of frogger…step out at the wrong time and its game over…but this time you don’t get the funny little dead looking frog thing and a do-over. Seriously can’t stand SUVs because they make people feel invincible and i guess i would too if i drove a tank…but that means they really don’t have as much concern about the rest of traffic….Seriously though…if frogger upgraded to a car…pretty sure he’d have an H-2.
March Madness is in full swing and it brought to my attention the many mascots around. And more importantly how some people do their brackets…what I will be addressing is the pick by superior mascot method….This is the least sound…simply because there are no ground rules set…For instance The University of Illinois Fighting Illini should win every tournament on those grounds…they have the whole Illini people on their side….However…here is my outlook on their first round match-up with WKU (they were some sort of horses). Question 1: How many Illini are allowed….if its all the illini vs all the horses its a toss up.
Question 2: what era are these native americans from…because if you give me modern era Illini i’ll take the horses in this bet…Some guy that’s like 3/4 Illini could just be sitting on his couch and get the call up to the big times….Meanwhile…a horse has always been a horse and is likely to kick your ass…and probably pretty hard to knock out….So in re-cap…currently horses have edge.
Question 3: Weaponry…If the Old illini get bows and arrows or the modern illini get liquor i’m giving it back to them…but bare-handed or sober…i’ll stick with my horsies.
Question 4: Terrain….marshland…mountains…Victory U of I….Flat plains…Go WKU.
If you have ridiculous mascots or school names/abreviations forget about it. Orangemen? Nice try…Next. Gonzaga…The Zags?(i know their mascot is a bulldog but that’s what people call them sometimes.) Lets grow up Gonzaga and try to be a little professional…no one takes ‘Zs’ seriously unless you are a coma patient…then its pretty much all you got.
Mizzou? where do you get off making up your own state abbreviation….there are no Zs in missouri but there are ‘Is’ in ‘Idiots’
Stanford…you’re a tree…that’s why you didn’t even make it in this year…change your mascot.
Wendy’s calling your Fish Fillet ‘Premium’ is like McDonalds calling them Premium Chicken McNuggets…lets just admit what we are here…cheap and fast.
So MixedAssRachel gets extra girlfriend points for driving us around for 80s gear…however….i don’t know if she actually does or not for the simple reason that if we are right…Pirate Mike spends more time “downtown” than a housewife of an AIG exec after bonus time.
Interesting thing about MixedAssRachel…the only thing more circular than her logic of TI vs John Legend is her favorite actor’s (Vin Diesel) career. Its sad when you’re too good at the time for the sequel…but have sunk right down to the right level for the 4th installment….great job Vin…you dodged starring with Tyree and the Tokyo Drift…bad news…you are the title role in the create leftovers after that…ouch.
I think the cause of gay people that offend a lot of uber conservatives (i.e. the ‘loud’ or flamboyantly gay gays) Like the ones that have cars that are full rainbows….is the fact that they have been brought up in an anti-gay society…and it gets to the point where you’re just like fuck it…this is me…everyone see me…fuck you i’m gay…this is where its at for gayness. Its like amsterdam…pot is legal…so seeing someone smoke pot..not a big deal. While we have come a long way with accepting gay people into society there is still a long way to go (way to go Vermont…who just legalized gay marriage). I think if gay people were just seen as a natural thing and just part of society there wouldn’t be a big deal to be made…you can wear all the assless chaps and rainbow thongs you want…you’re not going to make me care more about it…you’re a person…just like me…Except for you like dicks and i don’t.
I think it was ballsy of the Swiss to be neutral in WWII if you aren’t against Hitler and the Holocaust…there’s probably not alot you are against…watch out…the end of the world starts in Switzerland. Either that or its where purgatory is actually located…can’t decide. Oh, and i know the US started out neutral too…but we eventually got our act together…and guess what in true american fashion we even found a group of people to discriminate against and alienate . Concentration camps are awful…Internment camps…legal…patriotic even…sign me up! …our history can be pretty embarrassing sometimes…
Fact: Radford is STD infected…if you hook up with a Radford girl you wont get the clap…you’ll get a standing ovation.
That’s all i can muster…looks like 80s party/JMU Mike’s B-day recap will be for Wed.
March Madness…and it wasn’t even selection sunday yet…
So this weekend wasn’t crazy…but saturday was…we saved it all up for one day…though i only made it until 10:30. I hate working the night before day drinking is scheduled…one hour of sleep makes it kind of hard to go all the way through the next day. I made it for most of the festivities…but once again missed the Mark’s Pub Karaoke (small crappy little bar across the street)…I do want to say though….my going to Mark’s Pub once right before last call about a month ago has resulted in lots of extra money for their establisment (i’m taking full credit for it). We had talked about going to mark’s pub for a while…but since me and JMU Mike went that faithful day….we have been i direct injection of cash and energy into that establishment…
Ant told me when the people saw our group show up at the bar they walked up and thanked him…other people saying karaoke was lame until us! Our Fairfax Towers crew has singlehandedly revived the karaoke night!
Anyways…that was the end of the night…lets flash back about 14-15 hours earlier…
It was Sat. morning…i had picked Nicole up from work and we both decided it would be a good idea to get some sleep before the day’s worth of drinking….i slept from about 730-9….she atleast made it to about 10:30 or 10:45…(you see what us overnight people have to operate off of!! This is all the sleep we were planning on getting for the day!) The ladies across the hall (the finest ladies fairfax towers has to offer!) were getting it going early on…so at about 11 after some food and a few beers we finally made it over there….it was like a god damn warzone over there….they are slamming back shots…chugging beers…I JUST FUCKING WOKE UP….not that that is a problem at all…i’m just saying its a bit of a shock to the system…i’m used to drinking a little bit in a more quiet surrounding and just easing into it…not these ladies (also JMU Mike, and Brian…so that its not confused with ‘Big Cat’ i’m going to call him Neon Brian due to his neon hat and glasses). I drink a beer there with them and take an Irish carbomb (i wonder if that drink is popular in Ireland or if it just pisses people off…)
…I just picture being in an Irish pub and someone yells ‘IRISH CAR BOMBS ALL AROUND’ the women pull up the dresses and run…people are yelling about the IRA and fights break out…
I gotta say…MixedAssRachel really came through..not only did she win a gold medal in girlfriending by letting Pirate Mike come along
(and she stayed home since she didn’t want to go…which is good because it eliminates pissed off girlfriend syndrome…where your girlfriend agrees to come with and pretends she’s cool with it and then eventually snaps….taking the boyfriend and fun with it…but contributing a nice amount of awkwardness)
…on top of that she even drove us to the metro station!
anyways….a few shots a couple more beers and we’re off!
JMU Mike is getting ready to go through to the metro until he realizes he’s the fucking hulk and snaps his metro pass in half….we all laughed at him…he asked the metro employees for help…all they could do was give him an envelope to send his broken card…and dreams…in and in a few weeks he’ll have the chance to do it all over again when they send him his replacement card.
Eventually we get to Shamrock Fest….The weather…is fucking god awful…about 40 out and steadily raining….that being said shamrock fest is brilliant….there isn’t much to it…its a parking lot….with beer stands….and for the majority of the time..crappy bands (there were some good ones scheduled we just didn’t stay there).
But i felt like it was written in the cards for us overnight people because there was a red bull truck outside giving away free cans! They only give one out to everyone…i pound the first one…but when i ask for another they say…’only one per person’ i said….’Awww…come on i work overnight!’ I didn’t get another can of red bull but i did get a scoff and a bitchy look…Point Me!
…In the gate….and we immediatly find the beer ticket buying station….$5 a beer…i plop down $40 worth of big plans (after 4 or 5 beers with hands frozen i give away my last 3 tickets….suck-o-la)
Things are going good until about a beer down we realize how cold it is…normally i don’t really mind that much if someone bumps into me and beer spills out…but in this case when that beer splashes on to your hand and puts you at risk for frostbite…it gets a little more personal.
We find out that gold’s gym is giving away coozies….well guess what…they double as hand warmers…we all took a shitload and put them on our hands looking like some freezing cold out of shape MMA fighters….with drinking problems…
There aren’t alot of other details…but i’ll go over the highlights…
There was a tent giving away sex toys and sex parties…all the girls we were with (i didn’t mean ALL the girls like there was so many and we are chick magnets…i meant all the girls like all 3) went up and spun some wheel….The 217 crew went ahead and without our knowledge (at the time) signed up our apt (215) for a sex party…sweet…when they knock on the door and i answer naked saying “hey…its a sex party right” it wont be so funny anymore.
The Port-a-potties were interesting….it was like a race…against time….and disgracing yourself….i mean you are on the brink of a urine disaster by the time you get up front…i was smoking a cigar my first time up…and trying to piss in there with thick ass cigar smoke pouring in your eyes is no easy feat. I came out crying because of it…which i’m sure just probably made people think i had some unfortunate event in there…Anyways…i thought it was funny to high-five people with quick times and cheer for them…until i realized there was no way for them to wash their hands in there….
Oh well…MORE BEER!
Got home…drank…ate pizza…night over for me..
However that’s when 215, 217, 516, ex-JMU people…and Nicole…all made their mark on mark’s pub…(see above)
Ok that’s basically the night…now on to my random thoughts…
MixedAssrachel thinks Jon Legend is a bad guy because he has songs about cheating on women…but thinks T.I. is a good guy..hmm…How can one be raised in such a classy surrounding and have such ghetto understandings… “well people were just after T.I. he had to defend himself” Yes because poor T.I. only made millions of dollars and has already been locked up once for drugs since hitting it big….yeah…same ti that has ‘rubber band man’ as a hit song…..you really think he’d be getting ‘chased by people’ as you said….if he just used his money to hire a few body guards and moving to someplace nice?
There’s a credit union called NASA credit union down there street…i felt like putting all my money in to it…though i’m sure i’d be disappointed because its not the same NASA i would be thinking about….”Shit if they can put a man on the moon they can probably manage my money right? Here you go!” If they failed i would just blame it on the Challenger or some failed machinery they were launching into orbit….Some girl tells me…”i thought you had money…why are you so broke” …i could just respond “the international space station doesn’t pay for itself honney”
I hope God and Zeus both exist and at the same time…i want to hear a conversation early on…they keep trying to one-up each other…
God: well it did make women…AND BREASTS…and the guys seem to like that a lot…and guess what happens…when they get pregnant and the guys can’t have sex with them after a certain amount of time…i’ll keep them around by giving the girls…get this….BIGGER breats!
Zeus: Fucking Genius…but you did also give them periods…i have another god under me…and guess what…an acceptable way to worship him is through orgies…
God: FUCK! well you get that one Zeus..
God: but get this…your ‘awesome’ hero Achilles that fucker had the worst weakness ever…(god waving his hands around like he’s scared)…Oh no not my Achilles heal…anything put the heal…Fucking Pussy.
you know what i did….how about this idea….bet you couldn’t come up with this..
A bag of skin that hangs out of every man’s body…and it holds the most tender and painful place on his body to be struck….its the great equalizer…get this though…the right amount of pressure or treatment and it adds to sexual pleasure…A little more complex than a fucking heel right!
Also, it flows A LOT better to say God Damn…Vs. Zeus Damn…you just don’t have the lasting appeal my friend
Zeus: alright….you got me there God…that’s a good one…just can’t keep up with you…aw shit…and i see in the future you have the crusades on your side…ok…i give up.
…next
So you know how they are saying that eventually whites wont be the majority in the US….i’m fine with that…here’s my biggest gripe though….i’m not shopping in an ethnic grocer or aisle in food lion to pick up my Mayo…so you fuckers better catch on to the taste phenom that is mayo.
Ant owns a shit load of athletic apparel (like under armor)…If ant was a super power his only power would be to wick away moisture in a moments notice…
My only power is to get people to hate the english language by reading my posts…
Until next time…
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 