Seeing Ant go out somewhere while he has his glasses on is about as depressing as watching a caged big game animal or apex predator pace circles around their small ass cages in the zoo. You know the potential they could unleash…the damage they are capable of….but instead the poor Orca’s fin folds over…and you don’t even get to hear the michael jackson free willy song to make it all better…
So before i go into the rest….Is the country in such great shape that we are we so bored at Capital Hill we need to take time out to discuss the BCS? Look I hate the format of the college football championship…but i’m not going to run to my local sheriff and complain to him…i’d probably get an angry look and told to go home….so how is it then seen as plausible to people to then take it all the way up to the very top of the government to deal with it. I get that some smaller colleges get screwed out of all the money that the bowl generate…but guess what….those colleges that make the bowls are the same ones that have been generating money all year for TV stations..So unless Boise State is going to all the sudden pull huge national audiences to watch them play their weak in conference foes you can’t really bitch too much….The representative from TX said that the BCS was like communism….well the fact that you are speaking on it is like….insanity….or proving to old communists that maybe they had the right idea. Nothing makes a floundering economy and confused government look worse than making a big spotlight on an issue that holds absolutely no sway in its future. Great fucking job…i want to go take a tour of the capital and just start kicking people in the balls at random.
The swine flu is ridiculous….Thousands of people die in the US annual from…”Regular Fucking Flu” (i think that’s the technical name) yet we are freaking out because one 2 year old kid has died from Swine Flu in the US so far…guess what else kills 2-year old kids….fucking cheerios….and last i checked we haven’t issues General Mills a mandate to stop production. On a serious note if you are wondering if you have swine flu…check out this site…. http://www.doihaveswineflu.com . That should clear up any concerns…Right now the only symptoms of Swine Flu seem to be that of….Regular Fucking Flu…so what’s the big deal…if you feel sick…go to the doctor…..because guess what Swine Flu is being treated by the same exact drugs that Regular Fucking Flu is treated with.
Really what has happened is the media fear mongers have picked up the story and decided….”Hey guys…lets milk this shit to death…we can probably get a few months out of it and we can all keep our jobs”
If i get pulled over by a cop that coughs….i’m going to ask him to get checked out for swine flu
Meanwhile the medical mask industry is booming….almost as much of a spike as the small plastic american flags after 9/11
I have a copper BB in my calf right now. Not much of a story behind all of this….thought it would be a good idea to get shot with the roommates’ new guns….now the plastic pellet was fine…but go figure….metal beats skin. I was only aware of rock losing to paper…so therefore i figured skin could definitely beat metal bb…guess who was wrong….This guy….The doctors said just to leave it in my leg…so that’s cool…i never really liked getting through airport security under an hour anyways…I didn’t think a small BB would hurt…but that shit fucked up my leg….i can barely walk on it right now…but in good news…I am announcing my foray into gangsta’ rap….i guess is should stop using words like foray then….but other than that my grammer is pretty much spot on for it right?
People don’t really care about hockey…but the Caps won in 7 games! with the Sharks out we actually stand a legit chance to take down the title this year.
Cruise Day 3
I wake up and decide pulling the trigger is a good idea…now you must understand that I have only thrown up form hamgovers about twice in my life…well this makes three…and just like basebally i’m fucking out…and should just spend the rest of the game sitting on the bench…unfortunately Cozumel waits for no one….2343 is rattled out of bed since the boat is changing speed. We stop and I stumble out of the boat with sunglasses and a hat pulled low like some low rent celebrity trying to hide from the papparazi….only difference is that i’m trying to hide from life…
First thing you notice about Cozumel is the beautiful water…second thing….everything is in English….its more like Really Southern US than Mexico….One difference though…is that the craziest cab driver you’ve ever experienced is an amatuer compared to Cozumel….we decided we were going to a Private beach…and it only took about 5 minutes to get there….since the driver was averaging between 100 and 120 mph the whole way there…the whole time coming within feet of killing the scooter riding people on the shoulder….
So we get to the private beach and it is fantastic….clear water….not a cloud in the sky….a water trampoline…which of course is filled with 10 year olds which of course me and JMU Mike have to put a stop to…we get up there and start bouncing kids are kind of flying all over the place….I jump off into the ocean…which was fun…but about 5 minutes later i have realized that the cure for a hangover doesn’t include physical activity and waves….especially not physical activity that’s consequences involve drowning….
This involves me taking a 3 hour nap in the beach chair and trying not to puke….i took full advantage of the open bar….well the bottled water atleast…meanwhile Ant and Mega Bear and kayaking….Pockets is jumping on the tramp and trying not to cry when other kids take his spot…and JMU Mike has conquered the floating ‘iceberg’.
We decide to rent jet skis again….we also decide we are action heroes and are taking the sharpest turns possible at 50mph…it was awesome spraying water all over the place and generally looking badass….well everyone but pockets…its hard to look badass being tossed around by wakes and falling off your jet ski…i can’t tell you how much money i would have given to witness his fall…oh my god, poor little pockets screaming “Whooooooahhhh” as he goes flying through the air and doggie paddling back to his jet ski while spitting out water….
After this we had a crazy conversation with cougars (the same ones from dinner) that was very revealing…this including finding out both of them have cheated on their husbands and have tried anal sex….
Next we had to buy some trinkets….We all got a few things…i used some spanish and then realized i wasn’t going to be winning a medal anytime soon for it…so promptly stopped…
We got back on the boat and i felt a little more human….I won some money in craps taught some people how to play and won them money too…it made me look like i was the man….good thing they weren’t there a day ago when i lost it all….
Shit…i’m tired of typing…so i’m going to abruptly end this without transition.
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Ok…back at it…I know I slacked yesterday…but sometimes there aren’t enough random thoughts going through my head to make a blog about…
CNN.com says the economy has shrunk by 3.8 percent…ok CNN thanks for such a hazy fact…oh yeah..i could feel it but i was guessing it was closer to 3.4% holy fuck!…3.8 guess i better start getting some canned meat water and powdered milk. CNN i can make up random stats that no one can relate to as well…my happiness quotient has dropped a staggering 32% after realizing i have to work today while my fun factor is at a -2.7932…yeah i know…right…Rough…
So I went to a Persian eatery with both of the Mike’s and it has be reaffirmed that Pirate Mike is funny when he gets an idea in his head…this one was the porn industry…normally a friend might just say…hey you know what would make a lot of money…having your own porn company…and that’s the end of the story….not this guy…ohhhhh no….now i did agree that its an industry that’s never going to die no matter what the economy looks like….as long as there is one person on the planet porn will be a viable industry…See Pirate mike started going further though….’there are no barriers to entry (that’s what she said)’ ‘it’s real easy to vertically integrate (that’s what she said)’ ‘its easy to make’ ‘its cheap’ it just kept on going….that made me realize what the inside of Pirate Mike’s head looks like…
Here’s what it consists of…two coasts…on one there are piles and piles of money…on the other there are a bunch of ideas just waiting to get to the other side….HOWEVER….in the middle is this thick grey liquid with laws floating all around in it….so Pirate mike has to shoot these hair-brained ideas over the vast see known as the grey area….or once he has established it to be acceptable a bridge is built…for example…mike has a replica of the Golden Gate bridge in his brain and that of course is where DVDs and CDs are downloaded for free….The fake company he and Aaron made up…its held up by a worn old wooden suspension bridge….It ranges from a normal commute (dvd burning) to unlikely indiana jones situations that he belives in (making porn) that result in him swinging over the sea pitfall style Watch out for them gators…they’ll get ya!
The Chauffeur: its a product for the man on the go…its basically a belt you wear around you waist…..it has a basket type contraption that you put you balls in…and a little leash with a hook on it that you hook onto the belt…no more chaffing! I know some could say isn’t that a jock strap? no its the fucking chauffeur has much more class and lightweight. And plus the name is great because it carries you around all day just like your own personal driver!
(i think the commercial would show an awkwardly walking business man about to give a huge presentation…people are staring shaking their heads and giving disapproving looks…that’s when business man remembers the great product he has…he perks up…looks both ways and then ducks into the bathroom…a few adjusments of ‘The Chauffeur’s’ straps and he’s ready to go..the door flys open and he has a brisk stride going and a look of confidence)
Don’t worry that one’s free…but the next idea’s gonna cost you.
Country stars got left out…you can party like a rock star…you can party like a rap star…but no one wants to party like a country star…Maybe because the last time it looked like a country star was getting an ego and was going to do something a little bit crazy it resulted in Garth Brooks creating Chris Gaines….it involved him getting a Goo Goo Dolls style haircut and putting out even worse music….party like a country star? No thanks…i’ll pass….because i don’t like big belt buckles…singing about my dog or singing to dudes about being ‘like a rock’ aaaaawwwwwwaaaaawwww like a rock! (remember the chevy truck commercials) also i don’t idolize Howie Long….
Ok now finally to finish the tournament…
VEGAS VS. Club 215 VS. RUDY DAY
This fight is coming from an undisclosed location to avoid any foul play…it looks like a large empty warehouse…but we were able to put up some bleachers and let some fans in after some top notch security checks…we’re talking airport style…
Rudy Day looked geared up before the match but when he walked into the arena and there were no steamers…t-shirts…or custom beer pong balls his ego was deflated (a few fans scream get over yourself…what you think it would last forever!) He’s now just walking slowly around the warehouse with his head down..
The next to enter is club 215 represented by all three men….ant wearing under armor grey sweats and some athletic shoes….Pirate Mike wearing his crazy fedora like justin timerlake-esque hat…his shirt that no one understands that says black is the new black…jeans…and shoes….Rudy comes in eyes squinting….hair a little messed up…yawning pulling a polo over his wife beater as he walks in a little late…he’s also wearing beat up jeans and shoes…
Vegas walks in a little late…cuz its vegas baby!!!…and its always fashionable to be a little late…Vegas is throwing chips into the crowd obviously drunk… and then mumbles something to the ref and hands him a handful of chips and escort service flyers (the ref realizes…A) he’s not in vegas so they are worth nothing…and B) They aren’t to a real casino…shakes his head and throws it all away.)
The bell rings and 215 and RD go at each other
(vegas just sits back…orders a crown and coke…grabs a seat and watches the action for a bit)
Rudy Day smacks 215 in the face with cheesy roll-up after cheesy roll up…it has little effect on 215 (215 has built up an immunity to low-grade mexican food much like the prince from the princess bride had done with poison) 215 is oddly aroused though and mildly hungry….Ant grabs a large gatorade and smashes rudy day over the head with it….Rudy day is down and Pirate mike plugs in the foreman….Rudy is still rubbing his eyes trying to wake up….
Suddenly Vegas yells ‘looks like someone’s luck is about to get a little….crappy…(the crowd boos at a horrible pun….vegas drunkly holds its arms out and just says…whaaat…wha…wah you wan from meh) dice are thrown and are used to trip up Ant who was going in for a follow-up blow….he hits the pavement and scrapes up the other side of his face…
The light has gone off the foreman showing its ready….Pirate mike signals vegas over for some drunken treats but at the last moment as he’s bending to get his grilled cheese the sandwiches are pulled away and his face is slammed in the grill….Pirate Mike says…look on the bright side…you’ll lose those jowels after going a few rounds with this lean mean grilling machine!
Rudy day has gotten up and charges at rudy…Rudy’s now in work mode…its all business and pitches RD like he’s a box on a truck.
Vegas has freed itself from the foreman trap and that’s when Vegas unveils its back-up plan…before the match it secured an alliance with the beach to make sure a vacation would come out on top…and now its time for vegas to call in that favor…’NOW’ yells vegas….minutes go by and that’s when the camera men find them….JMU Mike is busy putting on his 5th coating of sun screen as to not take any chances on burning…cuz the man is already golden brown right now and can’t take the chance of getting any darker and losing that perfect balance he has achieved (real reason JMU Mike hates black people so bad he never wants to be tan because he thinks he might get confused as ‘one of them’)….Ant is too busy riding bikes and yelling at cars to ‘share the road’ ….Rudy is too sunburnt to move and he’d already passed out hours ago anyways…Pirate Mike is too busy fuckin in the Conch….Lauren is dancing…Aaron is taking ‘tooters’ looks like vegas can chalk this up for a loss…
Pirate Mike approaches Vegas dancing of course…the flailing of limbs is unpredictable and vegas is pummeled into a bloody mess….vegas is left twitching on the ground…his fist opens up and a crumpled Ace of Spades falls out of his hand and is then blows away….some Daft Punk song plays and it looks like Vegas is out of the tourney…
Rudy Day has managed to blind both ant and rudy with accurately thrown pong balls….he follows it up with tackling both of them…all three are on the ground…obviously spent…(meanwhile mike is still dancing….oblivious to all around him and just humming the daft punk song)
Rudy gets up first but can’t really see well because the sun has started shining through the openings in the warehouse roof….Ant gets up next…while all other contenders are covered in sweat ant takes a second to point out that his under armor shirt has wisked away all sweat leaving him comfortably dry.
Rudy day finally gets up…staggers around and says…”that’s it…hah…give me all you’ve got”
Ant runs at Rudy Day does a half spin…draws a large sword and rams it through rudy day’s core (it was airport security after all…but good news…no lotion of bottled water got in)..Rudy Day utters…Damn you Ant…why do you have to be so awesome all the time…ant puts his hand behind rudy day’s head…slowly lowers it to the ground and lays his other hand on rudy day’s chest…you have it a hell of a fight
(rudy day spits up some blood…firmly grips ant’s hand…)
‘you….you…ya….ughhh’
Rudy Day is gone…Pirate Mike dances over to the corpse throws some pennies on Rudy Day’s eyes and dances away…
Announcer: uhh…well…i guess that’s it…there was really no direction in that match…it was kind of all over the place…i’d have to say if it would look horrible if it was all written down..but hey…it is what it is…sooo…lets announce our top event of 2008!
THE OPENING OF 215
I had to give it to opening of 215…it has been atleast a once a week occurance of getting 516 people down here…or just hanging out having a good time…Pirate Mike was the first random roomie back from the manassas days…we added another and instead of it being awkward…it just multiplied our awesomeness…
Oh by the way i was thinking of the superclub 215-217…although it seems like a fantastic idea congress would shoot it down…i’m pretty sure it would be considered a monopoly..because we would most certainly have a monopoly in fairfax towers and that’s just not good for competition…plus this way our awesomeness is spread throughout the building hopefully inspiring others.
Anyways…that’s it….
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Ok so this is how it is going to work…I have come up with two brackets so far…the one we will be covering today is the Social/Life Events of 2008.
I’m going to go over the matchups first…to show you the bracket….then we will do a brief run down…i already have winners picked…but comment with your choices and it will sway the outcome..
2008 ‘Events Bracket’ World Class Universal Championship of Everything
First Round Matchups
(left side)
Match 1:
(1)Rudy Day
Vs.
(16) Play In Winner (Pirate Mike’s Continued Pirating Vs. The JMU Mike Pizzone Incident)
The case for Rudy Day: Its not every day you have a holiday thrown in your honor…and definitely not one that’s sprung in secret. I was prepared for yet another summer cookout but I instead came home to insanity…complete with custom shirts with my face on them, ping pong balls also with said image, cheesy roll-ups from Taco Bell, Streamers, Balloons, Bags containing my favorite liquors in airplane shots to hand out to guests, beer olympics. You can see why this is the one that goes against the play-in game.
Play In Game: You know its going to lose…but here is the match up.
Pirate Mike’s Pirating: Its how he got his nickname…Pirate mike currently has all of the awards show copies of all of the picture of the year nominees…yeah…he’s that good…
The Pizzone Incident: Also known as the order heard round the world and the $1 that almost tore holes in friendships. JMU Mike decided that he would try to add on a Pizzone to our pizza hut order…only catch….he’ll only get the pizzone if he gets to pay $1 for it…I order a full pizza for $15 but he will only get the pizzone if he gets it with the deal for $1.
This analyst predicts: Rudy Day…All day….and Pirate Mike taking the play in.
Match 2:
(8)The Christina ‘Steve’ Saga
Vs.
(9)The Hesters
The Steve Saga:
It started when she came over and someone misheard her name…from then on…she has been known as Steve. I realized the damage my shit talk is capable…it started like any other night of my showboating shit talking sarcastic beer pong style…it ended in me launching balls from down the hall and beating her…Round 1…me. Next she came over and i bet that i could beat her with my eyes closed for a whole game and if she won i would pay her bar tab next time we went out…Well…between beating her…and conducting a post-game interview…she was not happy…the last straw was a sarcastic facebooking incident leading ultimately to a de-friending…who thought that making fun of a girl for throwing up in a hallway…making fun of beer pong skills and the such would have an adverse affect on a relationship. A few months ago the feud came to an end with a Middle East peace agreement style handshake…
The Hesters:
Key organizers of Rudy Day…Killer High Fives…Lack of driving skills…Niceness…Fluent Spanish…Sister Dating…Long-Term girlfriend…drunkness…a great round of never have i ever…the owning of an outer banks island…it runs the entire gambit..
Prediction: The Hesters….its not often for someone to loath me as much as steve did at one time…but its the Hesters we are talking about…a direct impact felt on 215 and fairfax towers as a whole.
Match 3:
(6)Club 215 opens its doors
Vs.
(11)Summer Cookouts
Club 215:
Has become an every weekend staple…known throughout fairfax towers…founding memebers Ant, Rudy, Pirate Mike….eventually has started to merge with 516 to make a super-club the likes of which have never been seen. Also worth noting..lead to the hesters.
Summer Cookouts:
Noise Violation on 4th of July…enough said really…oh throw in Ant’s diving off of a life guard chair and going to a hospital…awesome burgers and JMU Mike relations. Debut of Chris T. , Rhonda’s Birthday…
Prediction: Cookouts…so much happened.
Match 4:
(4) Obama
Vs.
(13) Bodily Injury Suffered
Bodily Injury: I almost broke my arm at work when a pallet about 7-8 feet up fell on me…Ant went to the hospital twice cementing water as his personal kryptonite…once with a broken bottle winning over flesh…the second involved the bottom of a swimming pool winning out over…well…his face.
Obama: Obama fever swept the nation and the first black president was elected.
Prediction: Bodily Harm…what the hell has Obama done in 08…nothing…just stirred the pot…shame on you Obama…get back to me when you achieve something…eh..eh…am i right or what…Bodily Harm directly effected me and my group of friends.
(Right side)
Match 1
(2)Working Overnight
Vs.
(15)Accidental Abstinence
Overnight: There would be no Rudy Day without me being overnight…no blog…no raise…big impact indeed.
Accidental Abstinence: While it is a product of being overnight my streak of 6 months is impressive non the less…
Prediction: Overnight hands down.
Match 2:
(7)Ultra bar/NOVA bear grylls/how i got my iPhone
Vs.
(10)Vegas
Ultra Bar: Involved me getting rejected 16Xs in a row by women…leading to me taking the metro back without telling anyone…cab with suspended license dropped me off and i got lost in the woods…lost my phone and entered the apartment a broken man.
Vegas: Skydiving…Much Money Made…Strip Clubs…VIP Tables….Giving beer to the homless…the trip had it all.
Vote: Vegas
Match 3
My favorite match-up of the tourney.
(5)The Beach Trip
Vs.
(12)Pirate Mike…”Little Guy” Jokes
The Beach: The real world style video was shot…ant’s life was in shambles…double digit beers consumed in about an hour and a half…Using bangarang as a war cry against high school kids…lack of women….MixedAssRaechel even makes an appearance.
Little guy: If you’ve been reading this blog you know about little guy jokes…Mike being in a sailor outfit on Navy Pier…Mike taking is Fisher Price Plastic Red and Yellow car into garages for emission tests…Hitting an unsuspected little guy in the head with a large snowball knocking off his glasses and beanie….the propeller hat.
Vote: But i’m saying though…i smell an upset.
Match 4:
(3)Wild Out 2009
Vs.
(14)Life in shambles
Wild Out 2009: Coming in as the latest possible entry despite its hard pronunciation of the ‘D’ in wild. A night of drunkenness. A night of dancing. A night of imitating bouncers. Random snap decisions leading to yet another cab ride for me. The start of a new year.
Life In Shambles: I can’t count the number of times i heard ant say that his life was in shambles…and i can’t count the number of times he picked up those scraps and came back stronger than ever. Plus he has announced the phrases retirement effective as of ’09.
Vote: We Wilded out like it was still 08
Well that’s it for the first round match-ups for the Events category….Tomorrow or Sat. after tallies of votes and after i write the next bracket i will do blow by blow commentary on each matchup…as well as post game thoughts.
Lets get the votes in!
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Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 