Adam, Eve, Sour Dicks, Billy Mays and The Clintons
Yeah, hold on…its gonna get a little weird
So have you ever thought about if the whole adam and eve thing was the other way around….Like if adam was created from eve’s ribs? Yeah weird huh…but awesome..
Because then sex could be a kind act…it would be the act of the dude trying to give back the bone that we once took away from them…
Now i don’t believe in the Adam and Eve story…call me crazy but i just don’t think the world started as a kick ass garden and the only thing people weren’t allowed to do is eat apples…
(also if eating an apple was the big shitty thing that kicked everything off then why does apple have such awesome products….am i the anti-christ? I’m tying on a Mac and i own an iPhone…shit……wait…i mean…ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME)
…Anyways, back to that crazy story….So the ONE FOOD we can’t eat are apples…why not candy bars or fried chicken or something unhealthy…an apple a day keeps the doctor away….and God…yeah don’t forget about that..
So i really think the Adam and Eve story was created more to warn women about what happens when you nag men too much….finally the man caves in so you stop yappin…and BAM now you get periods and experience pain during child birth…Happy now?
I want to use the expression “kill two birds” in situations that don’t warrant it.
“Yeah I decided to leave work early today” I says
“Why”
“Kill two birds man”
Then i walk away leaving the person scratching their heads….
Or maybe i’ll only say it when i’m really craving to kill two birds….but killing two birds with one stone…while impressive…really could only work with flightless birds…and that seems like an unfair fight…How bout…killing two birds with another fucking birds….just winging a fucking sparrow at some crows and knockin the beaks off of em.
…now that’s some shit worthy of a saying.
So i bought an ice cream truck the other day….And i thought…i’m not a molester…but those kids aren’t gonna fuck themselves…
and not effin those kids would be like Paul McCarthy’s ex-wife walking into a prosthetics convention and still coming out with a limp.
So I want to televise the “Crazy World Series” It would pit an ex-girlfriend we’ll call her…. “Not Haley” against the crazy next door neighbor. Its a best of 3 series…
Game one….crying after sex Vs. Loud racial slurs
NH wins in a landslide
game two….
Threatening to kill herself after a break-up Vs. Having loud screaming matches with himself and following it up with steely dan and smoking weed
Goes to crazy guy…for the unexpected aspect…i mean NH…that just seems natural.
The final match-up….
A half page e-mail stating “I love you and want to have sex with you” typed repeatedly… VS. the phrase “eagle faggot”
Winner: Crazy Neighbor
This is due to the fact that crazy neighbor says shit like this all the time…i had the idea for the crazy world series two days ago…and was thinking about the time he yelled loudly about how black his asshole is….or the time when he was yelling at alex trebec on TV telling him how he could define words for him all day…This dude is classic.
So at work we sell Sluggles….they are “Gummy Slugs”….so gummy bears…i don’t know why i like eating cute little bears…but fine…gummy worms…kind of gross but they just look like really long strings of the gummy candies….but Sluggles (a Wonka Candy) look like fucking slugs….i just don’t know why i’d be in the mood to ingest delicious tasting horrible looking candies. I guess this is like Andrew Zimmeran training.
The next candy was called sour mushrooms or something….but they all looked like dick heads…so i figured it should just be called sour dicks….And teach girls to keep sucking till its all in your tummy….i feel like Obama could make this into a public works program…fuck the CCC…that’s right its a FDR depression reference.
Did you hear about the mom that was driving back from NY drunk and high and killed herself and 3 nieces by driving the wrong way on the highway…that shit is FUCKED! Not just because they all died but because she got off easy…she never had to live with the guilt or face the parents of the kids….atleast the kids didn’t suffer long…but she…SHE should have suffered for a long ass time ate away by guilt and the penal system
Other current events…or semi-current…you hear how N.Korea made fun of Hillary (secretary of state) but Bill Fucking Clinton who holds no office waltzes into their country and gets the journalists back….
You know what this has taught us….Hillary Clinton is the only woman that can be amasculated
So remember back when i said billy mays was on coke?
Oh you don’t believe i’m the new fucking Nostrodamus…check this shit out
…yeah that was in Novemeber…when i said billy Mays was on coke…
Now if you don’t know what I’m talking about…a report recently came out saying the cocaine played a major role in billy mays’ death…from consistent usage it gave him heart problems and according to the toxicology reports he had used as soon as a day before his death…CHUUUH…MOTHER FUCKING CHING….Call me Columbo…Fuck CSI…just call me…
I had that shit months ago..
You know what fuck Nostrodamus…AND the Mayan calendar…i’m more relevant and ALIVE then both of those fuckers….Oh yeah…way to go Mayans…you made a decent calendar…too bad you weren’t alive to see any of that shit come true….
Still got more juice left…but we’ll stretch that to another blog…
N. Korea and Iran are like the Nationals and the Bengals
Seriously…what are you thinking North Korea and Iran? Didn’t you see what happened when we thought….THOUGHT Iraq had Nukes….we had shaky intelligence and used that to justify blowing the shit out of that country….and guess where Saddam is? You give up? Dead. That’s right…and we didn’t even feel bad because we let the ‘people’s court do it’….actually what would have been better is if Ed Koch or judge Wopner sat in complete with the People’s Court music in the backround and the typewriter sound effects while Sadaam’s name scrolled across the screen. They are used to only dealing out $500 dollar fines based on trailer home damage and now they get handed the big leagues…death sentence….Woah! talk about some fireworks.
Anyways…these countries are competing over who gets to be wiped off the planet first…and guess what fellas…you couldn’t even let us try to dig up the info with the CIA again. Atleast that way other countries wouldn’t believe us and you’d just fight us one on one…instead you are doing us a favor…you are going to let us lead a war with international backing to get us back into the good graces of the world…
Because really….we have no chance…if war was declared on N.Korea…then we can’t just back out now….”sorry guys we’re a little tied up in our shit show duo we have going on over here. Have fun” The world would just say…fuck the US….they fight their own wars with shaky proof…now we have a guy detonating nukes underground and they do nothing…
Oh, one thing Iran has learned from N.Korea though….don’t give up on you Nuke Dreams (oh i just picture that crazy ass president playing in a re-make of Hoop Dreams….titled Nuke Dreams….instead of two kids fighting to make it to basketball stardom…its two crazy leaders ready to risk their entire country just to have the ultimate weapon to compensate for their small borders)…
Anyways…what he should learn…scare diplomacy works….N.Korea has been allowed to do whatever the fuck it wants…every so often it just creeps up talks about a nuke program and then when it starts getting out of hand they agree to talks. It would be like a retarded kid with a gun….he’s waving it around all the time…and for a while no one notices….next thing you know that fucker found out how to turn the safety off and everyone runs to him seeing what they can do to make him happy and ensure his retard strength doesn’t slip over that trigger and end your shit.
Well newsflash….he’s a fucking retard…mix some rat poison pellets in with his baggy of apple jacks and since all he does is grab fists full anyways….fucker’ll be intaking a lethal dose before you know it…
I guess currently…its like we subdue the retard by making him watch inspector gadget….and our whole plan is…when it says…”we’ll be back before you can spell inspector gadget” we just hope it keeps him occupied long enough (unfourtunately when i was little i was the retard…and would get pissed everytime if i could manage to spell it and my beloved cartoon wasn’t back on the air)…shit this reference is going no where….i just was thinking about that cartoon….fuckin Penny man…i bet she’d be hot by now if she was real….she’d be a couple years older than me now and pulling off some hot librarian thing….Brain would have died years ago…that thing was dumb as shit anyways….actually that is how inspector gadget went off the air….Dr. Claw’s cat ran across the street Brain chased it and got nailed by the Gadget mobile….Go Go Gadget Shovel….box….and funeral.
So anyways….North Korea and Iran are like the Washington Nationals and the Bengals…Wouldn’t we all just be better off if they were contracted?
Hey! What is the least likely thing you think i’d have in my possession right now?
A soul?….no
keep guessing…
if you guessed season tickets to the WNBA’s Washington Mystics…you’d be correct!!!
Now see…i’m sure there about 5 people that would be fucking thrilled to have these things….but i didn’t win these on a random raffle give away on the Ellen show….I forgot to donate these tickets….i bought two tickets to a caps playoff game…and guess what they came with…that’s right…season tickets to the Mystics..
WNBA…that really doesn’t say much for your league..
So bottom line…if anyone wants to get shit-housed and watch some sound fundamentals and maybe even LEFT-HANDED LAY-UPS!!! let me know….most exciting bounce passes in professional sports today…
Two things i would like to go…get shit faced and just start screaming caps chants
Lure some actual fans in by researching the team and purchasing a jersey (does the league have enough to support that?) and by the 4th quarter i have revealed my true self.
Honestly, i have ABSOLUTELY nothing against women’s sports. I just don’t like when they try to market it as an exciting sport to watch…or something comparable to mens professional sports…Especially basketball….a woman or two dunks and they get on sports center….guys dunk in every NBA game…if they highlighted male dunks like female dunks…an episode of sports center would be about 5 hours long….WNBA get over yourself….well i guess you have if you are offering buy one ticket get a season’s worth free…
I saw a guy on a crotch rocket that just looked like a DB and i decided i want to get rich enough to buy a town in Jersey and re-name it Douchebaggington see…it works since most D-bags live in NJ anyways….i’ll get them a NBA team and have baron davis, jason kidd, kenyon martin, ron artest, jj reddick playing from them with mark cuban as a player/coach/owner….Jackie Moon style!! Everyone must have their hair gelled at all times…and drive either….BMWs that were given to them when they were 16…Tricked out CRXs….Crotch rockets with matching motorcycle gear…they guys there can only date girls from Assholevania where they can only drive SUVs …wear 10lbs of make-up ..only listen to American Idol CDs…and use internet lingo (such as LOL, BRB, and OMG) in everyday speak.
So i’m glad we are all pro-socialism now….just because Obama has a good personality and has Some good ideas…doesn’t mean we should just let him run away with it here….You do realize we are open to Socialism now right?
See as companies continue to borrow money our government has gotten the idea that since they owe them so much money they should have a say who owns them….So yeah, AIG sucks….big time….but now they have a gov’t appointed CEO….So now we have a major financial institution run by the government….and we are obsessed with bailing out Detroit and they’ve fucked themselves worse than AIG did….so what’s to stop them from appointing more CEOs for those companies? You realize we already had to block laws that gave unfair advantages for our own companies….which always sounds good accept that it works directly against capitalism…and thwarts innovation and competition….things that made this country….You think computers would have advanced as quick in this country if there was just one company that the government ran…and offerred discounts to you for buying from them? Well that’s going to be the problem now…obviously i’m playing out a whole scenario here…but what’s to say if the government ran GM they wouldn’t then package some legislation together that gave major financial breaks to people that buy GM…it would be disguised under “supporting america” and the “blue-collared working man” but what it would actually do is sound death to Capitalism….just think about that before you heap praise on Obama…and act like he can do no wrong…
You know how you could improve our economy? Offer bonuses for innovation…force companies to hire these people with tons of experience that have been laid-off because they were too expensive…partner them with your young professionals….Give a huge goal…like a technology just on the horizon…or just a liiitle too far away from being in everyday life….saaaay…hydrogen fuel cells…the first company that can sucessfully make a decently cost hydrogen fuel cell car…BAM! there’s your HUGE bonus….just a big ass lump of money….all comanies that show considerable progress can also get a chunk so you don’t just create a monopoly and you also try to atleast keep them at the same level they were at before this…
Then combine this with gas companies and all sorts of other companies…who can figure out the best idea to change infrastructure to support this renewable resource…gas stations that show the best plans to atleast off one hydrogen pump at high traffic gas stations. Government could basically play fucking pitchmen….get billy mays in here and whatever start-up company has the best plan to be a hydrogen energy refueling company…the government funds it….
I know its all high-cost and way too outside the box for us to ever try…but we are already pissing away 100s of billions why not get somewhere?
Oh well…in the meantime lets keep buying 100 billion dollar band-aids on severed arteries and hope it stops the bleeding.
Now i don’t want you to think i’m all super-anti Obama (that’s a technical term…sorry)…I think his personality and foreign policy are great…but he’s looking at completely changing what our company was built on…
Don’t fool yourself…we were founded on greed….and greed is what keeps us going…it doesn’t mean YOU have to be that way…but those ultra-successful HUGE money grubbers..cutthroats…those are the ones that got us to the top…Wanna value size that? Drive a military vehicle (Hummer)? That’s right…this is America…(fuck yeah!)
…and i’m arrogant of our arrogance…yeah its closed-minded..but i don’t know if there is another country so sure of itself in the world…and that kind of kicks ass
Wow….that got serious huh…
Think about this… Pocket Rockets = both terminology for being dealt two aces in texas hold ’em AND Pockets having an erection.
whew…there we go…
N. Korea + Fast and Furious = End of World
First off, I saw Billy Madison today…finally…10 years too late…so now you can’t hold that against me. I swear when people found out I hadn’t seen it, it was like i just told them i couldn’t read. How are you going to judge me based on a movie where Adam Sandler has to go back through grade school? It was pretty good…but i think i also had the Goonie effect…The Goonies were the shit in the 80s when i watched it as a kid. That was one of my favorite movies. I watched it in college and completely ruined any nostalgic feelings i had towards it….and just could shake how much of an asshole Corey Feldman was even at that young age.
So North Korea…what the fuck are you doing….well really i can’t say that….World, what have we been doing with that country over the last 20 years or so. We just allow their scare diplomacy to keep repeating itself over and over again, just assuming they aren’t really that big of a threat. Well guess what they finally followed through with what they said they would do, meanwhile we haven’t. What the fuck is a point of passing a resolution if you aren’t going to back it up. That is why i really didn’t have a problem with invading Iraq. It sent a message of..don’t fuck with us…don’t jerk us around…you can’t just throw out the fact that you might have nukes…or kick out weapons inspectors, making it look like you are doing something wrong and just expect to be able to kick your feet up on the table and laugh at everyone. Kim Jong Il did you forget you are North Korea? You’re not the USSR, just because you are behind in the times and are probably so backwards that you still have that country on your maps…it doesn’t mean the world still operates that way. I mean even their excuses are behind the times….Oh its not a long range missle launch…its a satellite. Really? We were using that excuse back in the 40s (weather balloons and roswell…remember that)…and it was a lame back then. Did you think we wouldn’t notice that there aren’t any more satellites in orbit. I’m sure all the N.Korean officials were high fiving each other…’we got those fuckers!’ they thought…too bad in the US or in the UN everyone was just shaking their heads. North Korea would be like the middle school kid that somehow still believes in Santa….you kind of leave him alone and let him figure it out for himself, meanwhile you ignore his threats about how you are going to get a lump of coal for Christmas.
So another sign that the world is about to end is the fact that the new fast and the furious movie is the #1 movie in America. Even more depressing is the fact that it is beating out Pixar films….It did more its opening weekend than ‘Cars’ and ‘Monsters Vs. Aliens’ and monsters vs aliens even had 3-D in it. How could we let this happen? How does Vin Diesel get to revive his career while so many deserving talented people and professionals watch their careers disappear. You know none of the actors even had to look at a script. The director starts to say something…paul walker and Vin just say…”Push the pedal down…play some ja rule music…yeah we got it”. I bet you anything Vin Diesel got to ad lib…not because he is an acting prodigy but because the script/plot had to be basically non-existent…They just picked out cars and started filming. One trailer some chick says something like which do you want more (shows a car and her) Vin Diesel says…Both…I can always appreciate a nice body. Then FAST AND THE FURIOUS pops up on the screen. Meanwhile i’ve got my hands on my head and am jumping off the couch…oh jesus! are you kidding me….oh man..please tell me this can’t be…we are paying this guy millions. I wish this frachise would just Tokyo Drift off a fucking cliff.
There is a show coming out called pitchmen it basically has Billy Mays and the Australian dude that does the point and paint and some other products…evaluating other people potential infomercial products. I can’t wait for a full of him self Billy Mays play the roll of ‘expert’ . Billy Mays here!!! you product sucks balls get the fuck out of here!
Spike TV is 100% in tune with their audience. How do i know this….here was the line-up last night. 3 hours straight of UFC….4 episodes of 1000 ways to die complete with corny punch lines….followed by Manswers (which always finds ways to work boobs questions into the mix)…and they are showing previews every commercial break of a show where they take a bunch of ancient weapons and smash shit with them to find out which warrior group was the best. Bravo Spike, you are doing what you were created to do. Remember when that channel used to be called TNN….i don’t think anyone ever watched TNN for anything…The only shows i could think they used to have were ‘Renegade’…’walker texas ranger’…and ‘Hee Haw’. You remember Renegade…it was the show about the ex-con thats style of Justice consisted of a motorcycle…mullet…denim vest…and a sawed off shotgun….fuck yeah! I feel like kids all across Canada still have posters of that fucker up in their bedrooms.
The movie Choke…and Gran Torino….both great movies…don’t listen to Ant. It does crack me up though because you normally know if Ant is having a good time or not by about half-way through the movie…If he says nothing…you’re fine…that just means he’s indifferent. Once the word ridiculous is uttered…fucking forget it. Its game over…Ant doesn’t want to hear any more about the movie once it is over…and his only retort to questions about what he thought of the movie will be as follows…”oh man, are you kidding me” “That movie was FUCKING RIDICULOUS” …a sarcastic drawn out OK…or a simple head shake. I’m sorry movies are ridiculous to you Ant, i’ll shoot a movie for you that consists of mediocre days at work.. a half hour of commuting from work singing to songs and cussing at bad drivers…followed by an acceptable dinner, balancing a checking account and going to bed at a reasonable hour. There’s your realism. I like strange or quirky movies because they are different, because its something you don’t see everyday, it helps break up the monotony….Because its not realistic, because i thought movies were supposed to kind of take you out of your own life…
Choke was a book written by the same guy that wrote fight club. Its about a guy that’s a sex addict, his sex addict friends, and the fact that he chokes on food on purpose to get money and affection out of people.
but thats just me….Ant you can stop shaking your head now…no more movie blog speak.
Shamrock Fest Really Stole Actual St. Patty’s Day’s Thunder
Somewhere the actual St. Patrick is pissed…he’s saying FUCK you RFK and DC 101….this is supposed to be my day! Remember me? I chased the snakes away…THE SNAKES (it was pretty easy to get a day back then….think about it…when the exterminator comes over to the house you’re just like…ok…cool thanks man. Back then…everyone fell all over themselves….oh…this guy’s great right? Hey….Tommy! Remember when we had snakes….not anymore…thanks to THIS guy!!!….I’ll drink to that!). But i guess he didn’t really get a real holiday….it is just another excuse to drink…i need someone to come with me on this one….if we can all get hammered on St. Patrick’s Day….because it was in Ireland….and Octoberfest because they do it in Germany….4th of July because we told those Brits bastards where they could shove it….why not on Flag day…because our flag is pretty cool…and lets face it…that Betsy Ross is hot shit! No…No Betsy…keep the round glasses ON this time….
AIG, cuz fuck em that’s why…that should be their new slogan….why you should invest in us (well more than you already do now since the public owns something like 80% of their company now) because we are so confident in ourselves and our future that we really don’t give a fuck about what you think and your bailout money. Its like they keep demanding money and then chuckling in the corner as they plan their big company wide pizza party. Oh, Johnson….you only asked for 150 mil!?!? How are we supposed to get beer? And what about the DJ he doesn’t work on high hopes and fuzzy feelings! Get congress back on the phone lets up that shit up to the 160s. Now you may remember that in an earlier blog i was supporting bonuses for CEO’s but honestly part of that was to be devil’s advocate…and i still believe it to a point…because that was talking about all companies in the bailout….But AIG you’ve screwed the pooch enough times that the fucked up little puppy that has resulted is popping out fully vested in a 401K and has dress shoes and socks on. You are the company that just keeps asking for more and more…its time to be ‘humble’ if you call humble not taking millions of dollars in bonuses while the people that trusted you are having their homes foreclosed.
At work we don’t have the internet except for one page…and it just has updates about the industry…and suprise suprise it only contains good info about our company and this horrible news about everyone else…I swear to god its like a N.Korean site and our CEO is the great leader. Everything is going to be ok…Great Leader says so…oh shit that reminds me time to dust the picture, pray for his health, and sing the ‘good leader is a great and merciful great leader’ song. Its funny though because i went on CNN.com yesterday and the headline was literally “Rudy’s company currently being TROUNCED by Wal-Mart” …Fuckin trounced. Beat…beat badly…on the decline…all easier terms than Trounced…that shit does not sound good.
Guys have it rough. 1) in this economy a woman can just say she’s waiting for the right job…or using the time to catch up on reading…or really any excuse…moving back home is perfectly acceptable. When a man loses a job or moves in with the parents he is seen as pathetic…probably by those same girls that have done the same exact thing.
2) Boners….trying to conceal a boner is a dark art. I’m partial to the using the belt to secure it against you body…but then you just have to walk carefully because as it starts to go away you can run the risk of now the partial boner slipping out from underneath the belt and making a noticeable appearance in the jeans. And then you just have to do the careful awkward walk (which could have been the answer in the first place) where you hope you can find an angle where it isn’t as noticeable…and hoping that your pants aren’t going to start rubbing in the wrong way…your half stack is about to be full blown…you are teetering on disaster. And god forbid if a chick notices…maybe if it is your girl and you are in the confines of your house she’ll go ahead and do the humane thing and help you lose it…but guess what a public appearance is completely different. Either they think it is funny (your girl friends…or girlfriend) or random women are disgusted as you are walking around sheepishly kind of like a dog that has the red rocket flapping around and has realized that its not an appropriate time.
See girls don’t have to worry about that…there is no way to tell..maybe the nips make an apperance…but its easy…just say you’re cold….A guy can’t say…oh its just the weather that gave me this huge erection…don’t mind me…
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 