Adam, Eve, Sour Dicks, Billy Mays and The Clintons
Yeah, hold on…its gonna get a little weird
So have you ever thought about if the whole adam and eve thing was the other way around….Like if adam was created from eve’s ribs? Yeah weird huh…but awesome..
Because then sex could be a kind act…it would be the act of the dude trying to give back the bone that we once took away from them…
Now i don’t believe in the Adam and Eve story…call me crazy but i just don’t think the world started as a kick ass garden and the only thing people weren’t allowed to do is eat apples…
(also if eating an apple was the big shitty thing that kicked everything off then why does apple have such awesome products….am i the anti-christ? I’m tying on a Mac and i own an iPhone…shit……wait…i mean…ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME)
…Anyways, back to that crazy story….So the ONE FOOD we can’t eat are apples…why not candy bars or fried chicken or something unhealthy…an apple a day keeps the doctor away….and God…yeah don’t forget about that..
So i really think the Adam and Eve story was created more to warn women about what happens when you nag men too much….finally the man caves in so you stop yappin…and BAM now you get periods and experience pain during child birth…Happy now?
I want to use the expression “kill two birds” in situations that don’t warrant it.
“Yeah I decided to leave work early today” I says
“Why”
“Kill two birds man”
Then i walk away leaving the person scratching their heads….
Or maybe i’ll only say it when i’m really craving to kill two birds….but killing two birds with one stone…while impressive…really could only work with flightless birds…and that seems like an unfair fight…How bout…killing two birds with another fucking birds….just winging a fucking sparrow at some crows and knockin the beaks off of em.
…now that’s some shit worthy of a saying.
So i bought an ice cream truck the other day….And i thought…i’m not a molester…but those kids aren’t gonna fuck themselves…
and not effin those kids would be like Paul McCarthy’s ex-wife walking into a prosthetics convention and still coming out with a limp.
So I want to televise the “Crazy World Series” It would pit an ex-girlfriend we’ll call her…. “Not Haley” against the crazy next door neighbor. Its a best of 3 series…
Game one….crying after sex Vs. Loud racial slurs
NH wins in a landslide
game two….
Threatening to kill herself after a break-up Vs. Having loud screaming matches with himself and following it up with steely dan and smoking weed
Goes to crazy guy…for the unexpected aspect…i mean NH…that just seems natural.
The final match-up….
A half page e-mail stating “I love you and want to have sex with you” typed repeatedly… VS. the phrase “eagle faggot”
Winner: Crazy Neighbor
This is due to the fact that crazy neighbor says shit like this all the time…i had the idea for the crazy world series two days ago…and was thinking about the time he yelled loudly about how black his asshole is….or the time when he was yelling at alex trebec on TV telling him how he could define words for him all day…This dude is classic.
So at work we sell Sluggles….they are “Gummy Slugs”….so gummy bears…i don’t know why i like eating cute little bears…but fine…gummy worms…kind of gross but they just look like really long strings of the gummy candies….but Sluggles (a Wonka Candy) look like fucking slugs….i just don’t know why i’d be in the mood to ingest delicious tasting horrible looking candies. I guess this is like Andrew Zimmeran training.
The next candy was called sour mushrooms or something….but they all looked like dick heads…so i figured it should just be called sour dicks….And teach girls to keep sucking till its all in your tummy….i feel like Obama could make this into a public works program…fuck the CCC…that’s right its a FDR depression reference.
Did you hear about the mom that was driving back from NY drunk and high and killed herself and 3 nieces by driving the wrong way on the highway…that shit is FUCKED! Not just because they all died but because she got off easy…she never had to live with the guilt or face the parents of the kids….atleast the kids didn’t suffer long…but she…SHE should have suffered for a long ass time ate away by guilt and the penal system
Other current events…or semi-current…you hear how N.Korea made fun of Hillary (secretary of state) but Bill Fucking Clinton who holds no office waltzes into their country and gets the journalists back….
You know what this has taught us….Hillary Clinton is the only woman that can be amasculated
So remember back when i said billy mays was on coke?
Oh you don’t believe i’m the new fucking Nostrodamus…check this shit out
…yeah that was in Novemeber…when i said billy Mays was on coke…
Now if you don’t know what I’m talking about…a report recently came out saying the cocaine played a major role in billy mays’ death…from consistent usage it gave him heart problems and according to the toxicology reports he had used as soon as a day before his death…CHUUUH…MOTHER FUCKING CHING….Call me Columbo…Fuck CSI…just call me…
I had that shit months ago..
You know what fuck Nostrodamus…AND the Mayan calendar…i’m more relevant and ALIVE then both of those fuckers….Oh yeah…way to go Mayans…you made a decent calendar…too bad you weren’t alive to see any of that shit come true….
Still got more juice left…but we’ll stretch that to another blog…
I’m not dead…but am a bit bitter
So i’ve had long days at work…like really long fucking days…not just because they are 12 hours but also because they are 12 hours full of hard work…Add that with your normal managerial headaches you get to encounter and you have the ‘Perfect Shit Storm’ and George Clooney couldn’t get me outta this one…well i guess he couldn’t get out of the actual one either so…botched reference.
So the economy has hit my company allowing me to explain to my team why they can’t pay rent and feed their kids…because no conversation is more fun then letting them know this all knowing all seeing but invisible ‘corporate’ has deemed our payroll hours to be cut in half…fucking sweet.
On top of this i decide to get my team sandwiches…a little make your own sandwich event…too bad my team are like god damn goats and will eat anything and everything put in front of them…with no regard for their fellow man…i bought 10 tubs of lunch meat…plus pb&j…salami….and pepperoni…and 75 slices of cheese…for 30 people…too bad it was all gone in 15 minutes and i had to get more bread…i’m glad i didn’t see this occur…apparently people were hoarding sandwiches…like three or four at a time…i was like fucking oil in Mad Max…or fresh water in Waterworld..but without Kevin Costener’s fancy piss to water converter (which we now actually have…its been tested…IN SPACE…and you know all good things come from space testing…velcro..teflon…getting the shit vaccuumed out of you…all great advancements) I had a person from my team come up to me after those 15 minutes to tell me that they couldn’t get food…food is what energizes my team…that and orange soda…i don’t know what it is about Fucking Fanta…but it is shelve stocking fuel…JET FUEL. Anyways, i just feel defeated because they need food…i wanted everyone to have some…but this person was shunned because they were like the runt that couldn’t get to the tit fast enough and now mom’s chaffed and has had enough…
Anyways…
To make matters worse it was a HUGE truck…but we KILLED it…i had my team out at 6 and i was ready to go home at about 630…oh but WAIT…there was the phone call that my boss’ car got fucked up (legit excuse) and she wouldn’t be in…the next person was due in at 7…but they didn’t show up until 845 because they closed the night before…oh wait…my key doesn’t work to get into the safe so i have to open my store with one working register out of about 20…sweet…not like its a busy day or anything…oh yeah that’s right its the friday before Christmas..Fuck Me!
I forgot the difference in whining between my team and the day team…my team respects me and for the most part sees my word as final…too bad a few day people wanted to test me…someone was bitching at me for their pay check…why? so you can sit staring at it for 8 hours because your shift literally started less than a minute ago..meanwhile i’ve been here 11 fucking hours so far with 2 more to go! I told her i had to open the store…she said i had 5 minutes…i told her she had 8hrs to get her check so i win…
Then i get on the road….accident on 495…on the on ramp…fender bender but the person makes sure 2 ambulances and 3 fire trucks are called in…sweet because they probably didn’t have anything better to do than check on your bruised ego and claims of whiplash…we’ll explain why they are late to Actual Emergencies.
anyways…
The war on Christmas…you know how you aren’t allowed to display or really say Christmas anymore…lets stretch that to Merry as well..because there is only one holiday you are talking about then…I hope super conservatives use ‘Merry Holidays’ to secretly get back at those ‘blood sucking jews…and godless Muslims’ Its funny because i see people in backwoods US calling Muslims godless or something completely forgetting they worship the same god.
Have you seen the McDonalds Nuggets commercials…its degrading for me as an african american…or blackmerican as tracy morgan calls them…and i’m white! and not even the south african kind! Seriously…the R&B nuggets song…only thing that could be more damaging at this point would be Obama photographed at Rosco’s Chicken and Waffles drunk with a 40 and wearing an RIP Tupac Shirt.
Also with McNuggets is the ultimate Red Neck wedding…the McNugget wedding cake..shoot yourselves now…and if its not to kill yourself just shoot yourself in the reproductive organs…because if you think that is your idea of a classy or romatic day you’re dead inside…so really no need to shoot once you ingest that cake your body will realize what’s up and shut down all necessary functions.
I think pirate mike is afraid of the dark…he claims he leaves his light on ‘by accident’ when talking to MixedAssRachel at night…its ok little buddy…i know the real secret…i know what i’m getting someone for Christmas.
I started playing the guitar…i think i want to get good enough to play songs flawlessly but very slightly fuck up lyrics…”Keep on rockin’ cuz its a free world” I’ll come up with an Emo name for my one man band like Paper Machee Dreams…my first single would be something along the lines of Good Arteries bad suicide attempts, Funhouse body image dolls, Insecurity’s for kids…and other uplifting dramatized titles.
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