Adam, Eve, Sour Dicks, Billy Mays and The Clintons
Yeah, hold on…its gonna get a little weird
So have you ever thought about if the whole adam and eve thing was the other way around….Like if adam was created from eve’s ribs? Yeah weird huh…but awesome..
Because then sex could be a kind act…it would be the act of the dude trying to give back the bone that we once took away from them…
Now i don’t believe in the Adam and Eve story…call me crazy but i just don’t think the world started as a kick ass garden and the only thing people weren’t allowed to do is eat apples…
(also if eating an apple was the big shitty thing that kicked everything off then why does apple have such awesome products….am i the anti-christ? I’m tying on a Mac and i own an iPhone…shit……wait…i mean…ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME)
…Anyways, back to that crazy story….So the ONE FOOD we can’t eat are apples…why not candy bars or fried chicken or something unhealthy…an apple a day keeps the doctor away….and God…yeah don’t forget about that..
So i really think the Adam and Eve story was created more to warn women about what happens when you nag men too much….finally the man caves in so you stop yappin…and BAM now you get periods and experience pain during child birth…Happy now?
I want to use the expression “kill two birds” in situations that don’t warrant it.
“Yeah I decided to leave work early today” I says
“Why”
“Kill two birds man”
Then i walk away leaving the person scratching their heads….
Or maybe i’ll only say it when i’m really craving to kill two birds….but killing two birds with one stone…while impressive…really could only work with flightless birds…and that seems like an unfair fight…How bout…killing two birds with another fucking birds….just winging a fucking sparrow at some crows and knockin the beaks off of em.
…now that’s some shit worthy of a saying.
So i bought an ice cream truck the other day….And i thought…i’m not a molester…but those kids aren’t gonna fuck themselves…
and not effin those kids would be like Paul McCarthy’s ex-wife walking into a prosthetics convention and still coming out with a limp.
So I want to televise the “Crazy World Series” It would pit an ex-girlfriend we’ll call her…. “Not Haley” against the crazy next door neighbor. Its a best of 3 series…
Game one….crying after sex Vs. Loud racial slurs
NH wins in a landslide
game two….
Threatening to kill herself after a break-up Vs. Having loud screaming matches with himself and following it up with steely dan and smoking weed
Goes to crazy guy…for the unexpected aspect…i mean NH…that just seems natural.
The final match-up….
A half page e-mail stating “I love you and want to have sex with you” typed repeatedly… VS. the phrase “eagle faggot”
Winner: Crazy Neighbor
This is due to the fact that crazy neighbor says shit like this all the time…i had the idea for the crazy world series two days ago…and was thinking about the time he yelled loudly about how black his asshole is….or the time when he was yelling at alex trebec on TV telling him how he could define words for him all day…This dude is classic.
So at work we sell Sluggles….they are “Gummy Slugs”….so gummy bears…i don’t know why i like eating cute little bears…but fine…gummy worms…kind of gross but they just look like really long strings of the gummy candies….but Sluggles (a Wonka Candy) look like fucking slugs….i just don’t know why i’d be in the mood to ingest delicious tasting horrible looking candies. I guess this is like Andrew Zimmeran training.
The next candy was called sour mushrooms or something….but they all looked like dick heads…so i figured it should just be called sour dicks….And teach girls to keep sucking till its all in your tummy….i feel like Obama could make this into a public works program…fuck the CCC…that’s right its a FDR depression reference.
Did you hear about the mom that was driving back from NY drunk and high and killed herself and 3 nieces by driving the wrong way on the highway…that shit is FUCKED! Not just because they all died but because she got off easy…she never had to live with the guilt or face the parents of the kids….atleast the kids didn’t suffer long…but she…SHE should have suffered for a long ass time ate away by guilt and the penal system
Other current events…or semi-current…you hear how N.Korea made fun of Hillary (secretary of state) but Bill Fucking Clinton who holds no office waltzes into their country and gets the journalists back….
You know what this has taught us….Hillary Clinton is the only woman that can be amasculated
So remember back when i said billy mays was on coke?
Oh you don’t believe i’m the new fucking Nostrodamus…check this shit out
…yeah that was in Novemeber…when i said billy Mays was on coke…
Now if you don’t know what I’m talking about…a report recently came out saying the cocaine played a major role in billy mays’ death…from consistent usage it gave him heart problems and according to the toxicology reports he had used as soon as a day before his death…CHUUUH…MOTHER FUCKING CHING….Call me Columbo…Fuck CSI…just call me…
I had that shit months ago..
You know what fuck Nostrodamus…AND the Mayan calendar…i’m more relevant and ALIVE then both of those fuckers….Oh yeah…way to go Mayans…you made a decent calendar…too bad you weren’t alive to see any of that shit come true….
Still got more juice left…but we’ll stretch that to another blog…
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