Double your fun…Eli Manning…Billy Mays…and More!!!

November 20, 2008 at 4:07 pm (Uncategorized) (Autism, billy mays, Education, Eli Manning, Food, football, funny, Games, Giants, Handy Switch, humor, humorous, Management, Mighty Putty, NFL, overnight, Oxy Clean, Parenting, Pizza, retail, School, shamwow)

So due to favorable reactions from 100% of the messages (which is horribly challenging when you have 4 posts) I have decided to do this daily until my fuel runs out… Hold on to your butts because this is going to be a whirlwind of emotion Topics covered include: Work (i’ll probably always try to include a work story) Eli Manning Parenting + Retail Billy Mays Pizza Review So i was searching online about facts dealing with working overnight. I got great news..I am 40% more likely to get cancer. SWEET. Anyways i’m already bored with this… I. Eli Manning I feel sorry for Eli Manning. I can’t help it. I try my best to try and realize he has won a superbowl and has millions of dollars. But the guy looks like he is horribly retarded. Every time I see him throw a ball I can’t help but think “good for you” like he shouldn’t be able to do it or something. Of course he can fuckin’ do it…he’s an NFL QB but he looks so freaking retarded! He needs to wear a tinted visor so that we can’t see him…then i’ll probably think…wow there’s a very average athlete. I expect that they will announce soon that Eli and Payton are teaming up to appear on Flutie Flakes. Manning will be looking at the camera and patting eli on the head while eli is grabbing for the autism puzzle piece that’s on the cereal box with his mouth full of actual puzzle pieces. I will admit superman…look that name for my roommate sucks…if he’s superman his kryptonite is growing facail hair…if the world depended on him growing one sideburn we’d all be screwed. We’ll call him oh…i don’t know…antsinmypants…i’ll just call him Ant for short. Anyways the orginial flutie flakes idea was Ant’s but i’ve just elaborated. (this is the closest thing you will EVER see to a source in here). NEXT!! II. Parenting + Retail. I will start this with another random aside. When i was in kindergarden we played this game in class…Guess what’s in the bag…GUESS WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BAG!!! It was GREAT…it was full of mystery and everyone only had one question to ask so you had to make it count. Of course i ask a stupid question like “Is it a T-Rex?” because i was a stupid fucking 5 year old. But immediatly after asking i raised my hand again…oh i got this shit i’m thinking. “Is it edible?” what a great quesiton! Only the bitch of a teacher i had didn’t call on me…so finally i burst i just kept yelling out “is it edible?” probably about 20 times thinking she just must have heard my incredibly clever and profound question.  She kicked me out of class and my mom had to pick me up. The whole time i thought, i’m gonna get the shit kicked out of me….mom is NOT going to be happy. To my shock…nothing happened my mom hated my teacher and bought me candy. But here’s my point…I was scared I thought there would be consequence to my action…apparently though now there are no consequences for anything and if you work retail you are below animals (aside within aside…did you ever know a kid in elementary school that had to basically get naked to pee. Like pull their pants all the way down and lift their shirt way up. I remember i was friends for about a day with a kid like that same school that guess what’s in the bag was played. I saw him do that shit and immediatly never talked to him again. If you have a son and he’s going to school teach him the right way to piss cuz even at 5-6 i was embarrassed for that sorry little fucker) So anyways…all this happened in one day. I’m closing the store (back when i’m working days) and a mom comes up to me and says…”hey I just wanted to let you know my son is peeing in one of your aisles” WHAT THE HELL. Two things about the statement before we even get to the act its self.  1) just wanted to let you know…is used in minor situations, not when your son is unleashing a flood in the middle of a toy aisle. 2) IS PEEING…IS?!?! you couldn’t stop him first and then tell me? You have to let him completely empty his bladder first? She said it like it would be a pleasure of mine to clean up her son’s piss…because i am a retail employee and therefore obviously possess no skill required to do ‘a real job’ So i pass that off to an employee and that’s taken care of The trash compactor jams…i must clear it manually i.e climb in trash up to my waist and find out what got it stuck. Next i walk around the corner and there is seriously about a 5 foot radius of puke in the baby department. This is also disturbing because in this case it was a mystery. No one deemed it important enough to tell anyone they had just annihalated an entire aisle. But this allowed me to play a favorite game of mine. Clean up roulette where i walk around the store once and see who is doing the least of what they are supposed to. …its kind of like a horse race …and out of the gates its kid having personal conversation on company phone followed closely by girl reading magazine at fitting room…oh wait what’s THIS guy texting friend and obviously putting shit in the wrong place…HE’s taking the lead it looks like no one will catch him….OH BUT WAIT FROM THE BACK OF THE PACK IT ISN’T!?!? It’s “guy just punched in from his 30 minute lunch break and hour late carrying food and talking to girls from his high school”! And folks we have a winner…not even close. The best part is how i need to tell him…you call him away like you aren’t going to embarass him. Tell him just loud enough that i’m sorry to pull him away from his conversation but there is a massive pile of puke i need him to attend to. The girls giggle he turns red…puke gone. Most of the time i clean up the puke cuz i just don’t feel like putting someone through that. Plus i’ve been through college and college makes you immune to puke. When you see it on the elevator…clogging drains…in the shower…in every stall….sprayed on walls…you get to be numb of it.  III. Billy Mays I hope you know who this is. The guy got his break with Oxy Clean…the fat bearded guy. I think he also did orange glow…but I am sure he has done…the awesome auger, mighty putty, the handy switch. These things will revolutionize the way you like….really only the handy switch…but still he’s made some nice efforts. Anyways, He is the most intense infomercialist i have ever seen (the Shamwow! guy is an up and comer though…but no one even knows his name, so still light years behind mr.mays) And i was thinking I want to see an E! True Hollywood story on him. “it got to the point where everyone wanted commercial Billy. and sometimes i didn’t have the energy” “So naturally i turned to red bull. But that wasn’t enough then it was coke, crack, meth…it got pretty out of control” “I used to play this game called wooly willy where i’d put a portrait of my self on the table cover it in coke and make new hair styles for myself but i’d always end up bald and out of coke” “then the low point hit, i was so depressed i mounted two hercules hooks and put a forearm forklift around my neck…it wasn’t pretty…i ripped a huge hole in the wall and had no might putty to speak of to fix it..i guess you could call that rock bottom” IV. I think bad pizza is probably like a girl giving her man a good fellacing wait for it…i’ll explain If you’re like me, you love pizza. There are toppings you love. And as you wait for that timer to tick down to zero you are full of anticipation. Then the clock hits zero and what do you get for all of your hard work?  A mouthful of some horrible tasting shit. Don’t eat tombstone, mama celeste, or 5 cheese stuffed crust digorno Seriously Digorno you make good pizza why’d you have to fuck this one up. 3 cheeses is borderline insane. 5 cheeses? you’re in Charles Manson territory. That’s it i’m spent… May post again later on the origin of the pizza king and the introduction of JMU Mike. Leave comments because i can’t see hits and i want to know how many people may now think me to be insane.