Turkey, Infomercials and how to get pregnant
I am buying a fucking egg genie.
I don’t even know what this thing does. If I had to guess…i’d say it allows you to grow baby chicks from everyday store bought eggs.
But that’s not the reason to buy it…the reason is that you also get the Bacon Wake….nice play on words…i feel like pot heads everywhere will buy this the second they hear the name…as long as they get the energy to reach into their pocket for their phone. It just basically lets you make bacon in the microwave.
Is there more…of corse there’s more you fucking moron. The Magic Chop! Its the same thing as the Slap Chop but it is significantly less able to defend you from prostitutes.
This product IS Eggsactly what i’m looking for!
So after starting speaking the praise of the egg genie i decided to watch this full commercial…the one i posted here doesn’t include the magic chop like the one on TV does. I’m ok with the Egg Genie…but I like how they try to tell you a great feature is the loud blaring alarm telling you your eggs are ready. “Scare the shit out of your kids and family when they run for their lives when the eggs are ready.” Then it just shows the dad shaking his head after he yelled fire and his whole family runs through the front door. “Now i can finally have my eggs!” says dad and then it fades to black.
Although this system is a bit annoying…wouldn’t it be great for couples trying to get pregnant….
“are you tired of the tricky rhythm method!?!?” (shows a couple fumbling over a calendar…and throwing it across the room)
“are you actually gay…a vagina disgusts you so you want to limit sex needed to have a child?” (shows a gay guy poking at a vagina saying ICK!)
“is your partner awful at sex so you need the highest success rate possible?” (girl yawning whilst banging)
WELL DO WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! Never miss the fertile period of the month with Eggs Ovary Easy!!! (name would be trademarked with the exclamation marks). Eggs Ovary Easy!!! nestles comfortably in the vagina and gives you a gentle reminder when its time to fuck! (then it shows the air raid siren sounding and the couple rushes up to the bedroom).
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! extending the life of otherwised doomed relationships with the glorious gift of a child.
…Fucking pay me.
NEXT!
PETA is claiming that turkeys are tortured around thanksgiving. I envision PETA members called to a meeting where they have elementary school artistic skills which they have used to render this house of horrors for turkeys. Where they are put on “the rack” and have their feathers pulled one by one before being forced to pick which one of their turkey family members is the next to go…because we all know torture makes turkey taste better.
Yeah..fuck you PETA..I doubt Purdue sounds the alarm, and stops the assembly line because a turkey may have been about to be slaughtered before significant amounts of torture were endured..and then Will Purdue (not the owner of Purdue chicken…Will Purdue the ex-NBA player) dons his executioner hood and tortures the skipped turkey before resuming operations. Shut up PETA…I’m gonna donate a bunch of BOCA burgers to you fairies and it will be frozen Veal patties and you’ll all off yourselves after accidently ingesting them.
NEXT!
Obama just went over to China to talk about internet censorship but now Goggle has pulled a racist image of Michelle Obama off the internet? Hmm…sounds a little hypocritical. I think it would say a TON if he publicly rejected the fact that it had been pulled. Though…it probably wouldn’t win much points with Segourney (those that follow my blog already know that Michelle Obama is black Sigourney Weaver)
NEXT!
Adam Lambert is a copy cat…He’s copied Janet and Justin, as well as Brittney and Madonna by engaging in an act to solely create publicity…and guess what that shit worked again. And now he’s copying Charles Barkley (His famous “I’m not a role model commercial”)? “I’m a performer…not a babysitter” we’ll see..lets not get ahead of ourselves here…i give you about a year…and you will in fact be a babysitter. Though, you might be a decent one…teaching young girls how to pull off the “smoky” makeup look.
NEXT!
fucking bed time…another long day at work…followed by lack of sleep…followed by long day at work….
But on a happier note….HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!
Why I Hate You….oh and Adam Lambert
All aboard the Express train to Hatesville.
While you are all enjoying your pumpkin pie this week i’ll be sort of enjoying pie too…only difference is mine is a tasty little number called bowling ball pie and its headed repeatedly for my head.
All i see are Facebook statuses “SHORT WEEK!” “Can’t wait for the early weekend to start” “Thanksgiving” “im better than you because i don’t work retail”…Ok maybe not the last one…but the other ones…and while your joy over the short week is justified…it sucks when i know i’m working until saturday. And that my store is closed 3 days a year and closes early 4…and i’ll be working all but christmas day. So while all of you are getting drunk…or watching football…or spending time with your family…or some possibility i can’t even imagine because i haven’t experienced a family holiday in almost 4 years…..I’ll be chucking freight…and stocking shelves so on friday you can get up on your next fucking day off and participate in great holiday deals….that i wont even get a chance to partake in. Its kind of a slap in the face to stock everything at these great prices and then be told you can’t buy any because you weren’t in line….”well yeah i wasn’t in line because i was fucking working”. So i’ll get to deal with the Tyson’s Corner traffic on black friday…but even if i came straight from work i’d miss out on all the deals.
Enjoy your tryptophan fuckers…i’ll be sleeping during the day too…but it isn’t a great nap..its what i do because i work fucking overnight.
If one more person asks me what i’m doing for Thanksgiving i’m just gonna punch them in the face…Multiple reasons. 1) it reminds me i’m doing nothing…because i cant 2) i don’t want the pity….its just a fact that i’m not doing anything…. 3) i am tired of trying to come up with a decent way to spin it so its not too awkward while having this conversation with the person.
OK enough of this live journal sounding shit…end of that rant…on to other random topics..
So anyways…who the fuck cares about Adam Lambert….What the fuck is so shocking about a gay guy kissing a dude…i’m pretty sure that’s what they are supposed to do. I just though…eh…damn he sure did over act the shit out of that brief dude make-out session. What would have shocked me is if he made out with a chick…or was able to touch one of the female dancers in a way that DIDNT look completely unnatural. I had never heard of this guy and as i was flipping through the channels i came across what looked like it was a ridiculous performance. And boy it didn’t disappoint…the guy can’t sing first off…he just screams a bunch…makes out with dudes and prances across the stage. The only reason people should have been shocked was at the fact that he actually was invited to perform at this show.
A bonus from all of this…i’ve been trying out Adam Lambert references whenever possible. So like when Pox and Ant had a Mother/Son wine drinking night yesterday I said i needed to go ahead and put a rush order in for their Adam Lambert CDs
And when go with the flow complained about his ankle…i thought…one more complaint and he’s getting floor seats to the next Adam Lambert concert….So i know that this is going to pass soon…so there is limited time to beat this dead horse of a topic.
Speaking of “beating a dead horse” that statement is never actually meant. See whenever someone says “I don’t mean to beat a dead horse” what they really mean is “i don’t mean to beat a dead horse…but i’m about to pummel the shit outta one”
I think women were made physically weak as a safety precaution…or like a fuse….or irons that automatically turn off when you leave them plugged in.
See they can snap all they want but without getting through a waiting period for a gun only so much can be done. And this is because when women come into existence…the second they are in the womb the body recognizes….”wow this is an irrational potential human…better add some security measures”.
Check out Them Crooked Vultures…best CD i’ve heard in a while…
After Recovering From Many Turkey Comas…I’m Back
Life has been a blur since Thanksgiving…I felt like what burnt out people back in the day must have felt like sitting all day in their Opium dens…the difference being that i wasn’t ‘chasing the dragon’ and what i was doing was legal…but it has left in its wake turkey carcasses and many a slain potato. I’ve been ingesting leftovers Constantly…unless i’m at work…because i’m pretty sure turkey is the worst thing to binge on when trying to stay up the whole night…On top of being full constantly i’ve thrown out my back and been taking two trucks multiple times a week…
Anyways, I’m going to let you in on a breakthrough…not so much because it’s original..but because it has finally been named….
The Turkey Hobo…its that mash of all the leftover you devour that when its all mixed up together looks like the end results of a bad saturday night.
Here’s your standard Turkey Hobo: Mashed Potatoes, Turkey (ripped up a bit to avoid choking and a loss of eating velocity), Gravy, Stuffing
The best way to go about this is to layer your bowl (because a plate wont give you the correct mixtures…first the taters….then turkey, stuffing, top off with more of the mashed taters, pour gravy over all of it. Nuke it for 1:45…salt heavily….like so heavily halfway through you realize its a health risk…then continue salting…stir that shit up and binge away.
Hobo Royal: The same as before, add yourself some cheese and corn wasn’t a bad introduction
Hobo Jr: If you have to do without something i guess it would have to be the stuffing…though it really makes the hobo special…
Hobo Lite: No gravy…half salt job.
Now i call it the hobo because if hobos had access to this it would be perfect for their ‘on the go’ lifestyle….plus if you’re digging through dumpsters after thanksgiving and you find a bowl along the way…it really makes things easier…just throw the scraps right in there…stir it up..and sit behind an idling car…the exhaust is sure to eventually warm it up…i’m pretty sure i saw that on pg. 12 of Hobo Afficianado…the magazine for today’s modern homeless…plus the pages double as TP and comes with tear away pages in the back that have you panhandling slogans so you don’t have to find markers (will fuck for sympathy, will perform free dental work for food, and for the self-aware crazy….Beware Hobo Bites)
I hate when bad sports teams throw up the ‘dynasty’ sign…Jay-Z look what you have done…i saw Va Tech throwing up the sign…you congrats on your turn over…now maybe people will forget about those last 2 3 and outs….oh and how you’ve once again fallen horribly short of all expectations…DYNASTY!!!!
Corners do i when they make a play in the pros (what they are paid millions to do) I’m pretty sure Deshawn Stevenson (NBA) does it after taking a shit…there may not be a better self-promoter on the planet.
Did anyone notice that Fred Smoot was too busy planning Party Boat 2: Party on the Potomac instead of playing corner…seriously…Armani Toomer beat you dude…he’s like 39.
There was a time when i looked forward to Chris Berman’s witty nicknames and puns…now he’s just mailing it in…Day light comes and you gotta Delhomme was changed into Day light comes and you gotta…throw it to smith….its just sad.
I walked into the apt yesterday carrying a case of beer and flannel pajamas…i didn’t think until afterwards how sketchy that had to look to the door man…this was Sunday morning…either i had a horrible saturday that i had big plans for…(i’ll get her a case a beer and bring the pants cuz i’m spending the night FOR SURE)..or i’m just getting an early start on abusing some children sexually…oh shit! its 6:30 what am i thinking…better get to 7-11 quick, and then start scouting bus stops!
I bet old time door to door salesmen join the Church of Later Day Saints when they retire…still get to do what you’ve been programmed to do…but don’t have to say you are working…
Biggest reason why i wont join them….they say the word Later….like you would say Ladder…they probably also pronounce the S in illinois…and say ‘again’ ‘A…gain’…From my understanding its not the church of construction equipment using saints….Get it right.
I don’t like it when people say…oh i can’t cuz of my religion…or my diet…or beliefs…just say…no thanks…if i want to know more i’ll press you for the answer…you don’t have to try and impress me..or advertise.
This next segment is called ‘Justifying A Ridiculous Purchase With Rudy’
On this episode we will be reviewing my iPhone purchase.
So it cost $300 (i was one of the smart ones that bought it at double the price and half the speed) i think…even if it didn’t we are going to work with that.
First…i needed a new Cell Phone…which is a legit purchase…but here’s how i justify it…it doesn’t cost 300.
Old plan i was paying 70…now i’m paying 50…that’s a saving of 20 per month multiply that by the 2 yr. service contract…
20 X24 = 480
Internet is free so no data plan really needed…so i’ll just say $10 a month for that…we’re up to 240 for that
300 – (240+480) = apple is giving me money to buy this phone…see how easy that was…now you try!!!
See a seemingly foolish purchase turns into CASH IN MY POCKETS..($420 of cash)…Plural because i’m saving so much it couldn’t all possibly fit in ONE POCKET
That is the same process i used to justify signing up for GameFly since i spent 60 bucks per game and gamefly was only 20 a month and i could keep 2 games at a time for as long as i wanted…here’s what actually happened…A game wouldn’t be available…so i’d just buy the one i wanted anyways..i would get bored…one time i had the game coming and i didn’t want to wait so now had two copies of the same game at my house.
We are going to take it back a little bit…Reasons why ant is the greatest man on the planet.
1) Most people think that Barry Sanders retired due to not being traded by the Lions. This IS NOT TRUE. Barry Sanders once attended one of Anthony’s practices. Upon seeing him run, he knew he could never be the greatest running back alive. He retired the next day.
2) Anthony is so nice that once he got autographs from a group of great people. Later Anthony was stricken with some ideas…he jotted them down on this paper. They call it THE CONSTITUTION. He gave all the credit to “the founding fathers”.
3) Anthony beat the machine John Henry was up against…John Henry wasn’t even in the race. After beating the machine anthony got some water…in stepped John Henry…he was so impressed his heart exploded.
4) Anthony is so popular he held a door open for a group of people and was simultaneously nominated for the congressional medal of honor and the nobel prize.
5) Anthony double majored in Awesome.
6) Anthonys won Florida…not Bush….not Gore…he was under the minimum age requirement though…the whole thing caused a huge mess.
7) Anthony taught Chuck Norris the ROUNDHOUSE.
8) Last time Anthony cried…Mother Teresa died of sorrow…years late the pope died from after shocks.
9) Anthony was once spotted both singing and dancing. The group of people were so moved they decided they should hold an awards show every year in his honor. Anthony was embarrassed and didn’t want it named after him. The comprimised. Its now known as the TONY AWARDS.
10) Anthony pays his bills with graditude and tips with kindness…he’s never been late on a payement and has perfect credit.
11) AV clubs in highschool aren’t audio visual clubs any more they just refer to his initials…they just watch highlight reels all day…OF HIS LIFE
12) Anthony created spell check people said words to him and he jotted down how they sounded.
13) Cow tipping is a favorite past time of people growing up in rural communitites. They wait until the cows fall asleep at dark and push them over. Anthony says this is for sissies and nincomepoops. He goes to pastures around noon and knocks em out with vicious right hooks….he’s left handed.
Today is my one year anniversary overnight…feels strange…what feel more strange is the fact i have 2 more years to go…YIKES
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 