After Recovering From Many Turkey Comas…I’m Back
Life has been a blur since Thanksgiving…I felt like what burnt out people back in the day must have felt like sitting all day in their Opium dens…the difference being that i wasn’t ‘chasing the dragon’ and what i was doing was legal…but it has left in its wake turkey carcasses and many a slain potato. I’ve been ingesting leftovers Constantly…unless i’m at work…because i’m pretty sure turkey is the worst thing to binge on when trying to stay up the whole night…On top of being full constantly i’ve thrown out my back and been taking two trucks multiple times a week…
Anyways, I’m going to let you in on a breakthrough…not so much because it’s original..but because it has finally been named….
The Turkey Hobo…its that mash of all the leftover you devour that when its all mixed up together looks like the end results of a bad saturday night.
Here’s your standard Turkey Hobo: Mashed Potatoes, Turkey (ripped up a bit to avoid choking and a loss of eating velocity), Gravy, Stuffing
The best way to go about this is to layer your bowl (because a plate wont give you the correct mixtures…first the taters….then turkey, stuffing, top off with more of the mashed taters, pour gravy over all of it. Nuke it for 1:45…salt heavily….like so heavily halfway through you realize its a health risk…then continue salting…stir that shit up and binge away.
Hobo Royal: The same as before, add yourself some cheese and corn wasn’t a bad introduction
Hobo Jr: If you have to do without something i guess it would have to be the stuffing…though it really makes the hobo special…
Hobo Lite: No gravy…half salt job.
Now i call it the hobo because if hobos had access to this it would be perfect for their ‘on the go’ lifestyle….plus if you’re digging through dumpsters after thanksgiving and you find a bowl along the way…it really makes things easier…just throw the scraps right in there…stir it up..and sit behind an idling car…the exhaust is sure to eventually warm it up…i’m pretty sure i saw that on pg. 12 of Hobo Afficianado…the magazine for today’s modern homeless…plus the pages double as TP and comes with tear away pages in the back that have you panhandling slogans so you don’t have to find markers (will fuck for sympathy, will perform free dental work for food, and for the self-aware crazy….Beware Hobo Bites)
I hate when bad sports teams throw up the ‘dynasty’ sign…Jay-Z look what you have done…i saw Va Tech throwing up the sign…you congrats on your turn over…now maybe people will forget about those last 2 3 and outs….oh and how you’ve once again fallen horribly short of all expectations…DYNASTY!!!!
Corners do i when they make a play in the pros (what they are paid millions to do) I’m pretty sure Deshawn Stevenson (NBA) does it after taking a shit…there may not be a better self-promoter on the planet.
Did anyone notice that Fred Smoot was too busy planning Party Boat 2: Party on the Potomac instead of playing corner…seriously…Armani Toomer beat you dude…he’s like 39.
There was a time when i looked forward to Chris Berman’s witty nicknames and puns…now he’s just mailing it in…Day light comes and you gotta Delhomme was changed into Day light comes and you gotta…throw it to smith….its just sad.
I walked into the apt yesterday carrying a case of beer and flannel pajamas…i didn’t think until afterwards how sketchy that had to look to the door man…this was Sunday morning…either i had a horrible saturday that i had big plans for…(i’ll get her a case a beer and bring the pants cuz i’m spending the night FOR SURE)..or i’m just getting an early start on abusing some children sexually…oh shit! its 6:30 what am i thinking…better get to 7-11 quick, and then start scouting bus stops!
I bet old time door to door salesmen join the Church of Later Day Saints when they retire…still get to do what you’ve been programmed to do…but don’t have to say you are working…
Biggest reason why i wont join them….they say the word Later….like you would say Ladder…they probably also pronounce the S in illinois…and say ‘again’ ‘A…gain’…From my understanding its not the church of construction equipment using saints….Get it right.
I don’t like it when people say…oh i can’t cuz of my religion…or my diet…or beliefs…just say…no thanks…if i want to know more i’ll press you for the answer…you don’t have to try and impress me..or advertise.
This next segment is called ‘Justifying A Ridiculous Purchase With Rudy’
On this episode we will be reviewing my iPhone purchase.
So it cost $300 (i was one of the smart ones that bought it at double the price and half the speed) i think…even if it didn’t we are going to work with that.
First…i needed a new Cell Phone…which is a legit purchase…but here’s how i justify it…it doesn’t cost 300.
Old plan i was paying 70…now i’m paying 50…that’s a saving of 20 per month multiply that by the 2 yr. service contract…
20 X24 = 480
Internet is free so no data plan really needed…so i’ll just say $10 a month for that…we’re up to 240 for that
300 – (240+480) = apple is giving me money to buy this phone…see how easy that was…now you try!!!
See a seemingly foolish purchase turns into CASH IN MY POCKETS..($420 of cash)…Plural because i’m saving so much it couldn’t all possibly fit in ONE POCKET
That is the same process i used to justify signing up for GameFly since i spent 60 bucks per game and gamefly was only 20 a month and i could keep 2 games at a time for as long as i wanted…here’s what actually happened…A game wouldn’t be available…so i’d just buy the one i wanted anyways..i would get bored…one time i had the game coming and i didn’t want to wait so now had two copies of the same game at my house.
We are going to take it back a little bit…Reasons why ant is the greatest man on the planet.
1) Most people think that Barry Sanders retired due to not being traded by the Lions. This IS NOT TRUE. Barry Sanders once attended one of Anthony’s practices. Upon seeing him run, he knew he could never be the greatest running back alive. He retired the next day.
2) Anthony is so nice that once he got autographs from a group of great people. Later Anthony was stricken with some ideas…he jotted them down on this paper. They call it THE CONSTITUTION. He gave all the credit to “the founding fathers”.
3) Anthony beat the machine John Henry was up against…John Henry wasn’t even in the race. After beating the machine anthony got some water…in stepped John Henry…he was so impressed his heart exploded.
4) Anthony is so popular he held a door open for a group of people and was simultaneously nominated for the congressional medal of honor and the nobel prize.
5) Anthony double majored in Awesome.
6) Anthonys won Florida…not Bush….not Gore…he was under the minimum age requirement though…the whole thing caused a huge mess.
7) Anthony taught Chuck Norris the ROUNDHOUSE.
8) Last time Anthony cried…Mother Teresa died of sorrow…years late the pope died from after shocks.
9) Anthony was once spotted both singing and dancing. The group of people were so moved they decided they should hold an awards show every year in his honor. Anthony was embarrassed and didn’t want it named after him. The comprimised. Its now known as the TONY AWARDS.
10) Anthony pays his bills with graditude and tips with kindness…he’s never been late on a payement and has perfect credit.
11) AV clubs in highschool aren’t audio visual clubs any more they just refer to his initials…they just watch highlight reels all day…OF HIS LIFE
12) Anthony created spell check people said words to him and he jotted down how they sounded.
13) Cow tipping is a favorite past time of people growing up in rural communitites. They wait until the cows fall asleep at dark and push them over. Anthony says this is for sissies and nincomepoops. He goes to pastures around noon and knocks em out with vicious right hooks….he’s left handed.
Today is my one year anniversary overnight…feels strange…what feel more strange is the fact i have 2 more years to go…YIKES
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 