Girl Scouts and Strippers
March 18, 2009 at 10:26 am (Uncategorized) (Africa, biggest loser, condoms, cookies, Drugs, Economy, Elizabeth Banks, fan-freakin-tastic, foreign opinion, funny, girl scouts, hotels, HTM, humor, humorous, junk food, Mind Blowing, Music, News, Obama, Obesity, Paul Rudd, politics, Pope, random, reality shows, reality tv, recent events, recession, Religion, Sarcasm, Sarcastic, Seth Rogan, sex, Somoas, strippers, taxes, Thomas the Tank Engine, Travel)
Welcome to the new look blog…I changed it so that the top posts and all that good stuff was on the side so when a random person stumbles across this page after they stop shaking their head and saying what the fuck out loud they will know where to click next…
Anyways, as you can tell from the title only the looks are changing.
Topic 1: Newfangled Economy Saver Plan
So i don’t know if you have heard or not but we are in a recession and it seems as though the whole world is headed to hell in a handbasket.
Not to be worried though…because i have another fail-proof plan to enact…and if you would notice all my plans together come nowhere close to the 100s of billions…my latest plan came to me after devouring a box of samoas…poor bastards only lasted about 24 hours….and polished of my do-si-dos they atleast lasted a little longer…maybe 28 hours…You see girl scout cookies have crack in them…or something else that prevents you stopping from popping one after another in your mouth. I bet if you broke down the chemical properties of a somoa and crystal meth they would be identical…little girl scouts or minature death dealers?
Anyways…here’s my plan…get a girl scout troop together…and send them into all the different Biggest Loser Camps….nothing could break their will faster…tie in the fact that some are emotional eaters and hate themselves….BAM! Out of this recession tomorrow..and all it took were a few lives….lives that already embodied..literally…what it is to be an american… (kind of sucks that foreigners pick us out of crowds not because of accents but because we are the overweight, bad mannered, rude, and horribly opinionated ones)…
I say the whole readership of this blog needs to march up to Obama and let him know you’re about to do this country a service by taking a state funded world-trip where we party with everyone spreading the good word.
Incase my girl scout cookie idea doesn’t work….Texas is taking it another way….and it even has a classy name…”The Poll Tax” has be instituted…where everything you spend at a strip club is immediatly taxed. It is currently in court to see if it is constitutional..but in the mean time they are still gathering the money…its just sitting there right now. If it is ruled unconstitutional they will mail back your money. (though i don’t know how many wives would be thrilled to be getting that check in the mail…especially if it is a significant sum…”uh…the IRS messed up hun..that’s our second rebate check”… “oh yeah..WELL HUN…why does it have glitter on it and smell like STDs) Texas has already raised 10 million through this tax…which probably looks great to them…but looks like those girls have a few more years on stage to work themselves through college. Or what about the lonely guy where it is his only salvation of the day…i know its sad…but there has to be some out there…”oh man my POS job sucked again, i’m 35 and still live with my parents, i have a stutter, but atleast i can get some titties in my face before i start it all over again” Try telling that guy…one less lap dance for you sir. Some people may say…well maybe this will get people out of the strip clubs…well two reasons why this isn’t a good thing. 1) the women working at those places have one very specific skill set…what do you want them to do…be teachers or babysit your kids…just let em strip. 2) Yeah people might spend less in the strip club…but do you really think that money is going to go to something productive instead? I say no…I say the ABC just makes more money…and i’m sure there is an alcohol tax there too…so they are screwed either way…well i guess not Either way…screwed in one way at the ABC store and left with a case of blue balls in the other.
So the Pope in his infinite wisdom decided to go to Africa in his first trip over there and let everyone know that he and the church is still anti condoms. YEAAAAAH AIDS!!! Great job Pope…you would think in any place to be this would be the one where you leave your condom stance out of your speeches and just kind of turn a blind eye to the fact that people below the poverty line may have a chance to be less riddled with diseases and children they can’t support….Its like he’s on his way out with his Kiss Me I’m The Pope shirt on with his Popey sun glasses boarding Pope Airlines International which is blaring AC/DC’s Highway to Hell out of it…He smirks and looks back…Oh yeah….before i forget…don’t use condoms…or you’ll go to hell (he laughes in an evil manner and boards his plane) I really don’t get it sometimes…you know there are priests in the vatican that are ready to finally accept evolution…seems like we are heading in the right direction until this. We already have problems with getting alot of areas in Africa to wear condoms…the men think they make them less manly….and now with the Pope’s endorsement…AIDS is walking down the red carpet there with a monocle top hat and twirling cane…ready to take over that shit…Africa has the highest AIDS rate in the world…I guess the Pope thought…well they aren’t number 1 in much…would hate for them to lose this one….Jesus F’in Christ Pope!!!
Pirate Mike is having tons of fun in hotel rooms for the week….List of things he is doing in hotels nightly.
1) Noise complaints from bouncing on the bed too hard.
2) Plugging in his Thomas the Tank Engine nightlight in
3) Giving himself a huge bubble beard in the tub
4) Wearing a onezie with the crinkly sounding feet
5) Calling the front desk and asking for ‘his mommy’
6) Giggling while eating “all the cookies he wants”
7) When the hotel staff comes up to check on the noise he just sits back against the pillows on his bed attempting to blend in with his stuffed animals.
8) Hitting all the floors on the elevator running off the elevator giggling with his hands over his mouth kind of stumbling around while he’s running.
9) Crying
10) Playing with his food.
11) Playing tricks on people using his ‘talkboy’
12) Outsmarting the ‘Wet Bandits’
The movies Observe and Report and I Love You Man look great…Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are the funniest guys out there….JMU Mike’s gotta love it…i’ll give it to him…he’s been saying Paul Rudd is the funniest guy in the movies for a while. (you have to see the deleted scene shout out to wet hot american summer between Paul Rudd and Elizabeth Banks…)
Rudy's Nocturnal Admissions 