No need to worry about sugar coating it, because everyone sees it.  Little kids suck these days, the only things worse are their parents.

There are a few nice kids out there…but you want to know a sure fire way to find the a-holes.  Look for the flat brims.

Look for the flat brim hats, you know…the fitted hats that the kids wear, and keep the stickers on so everyone can know how big their heads are.  Those.  If a kid is wearing a flat brimmed hat…He/She is a fucking asshole.

See, the flat brim hat apparently signifies that they bend to no one….especially not their parents…and certainly not conventional hat brim flexing wisdom.  Every kid with a flat brimmed hat is followed by a defeated parent.  I used to fucking whine about not getting the Wolverine toy with retractable claws….solution…I got $1 a week allowance.  So once i saved up 5 weeks worth and we were at the mall I found the toy…still there…ONE LEFT!  I was fucking thrilled…getting ready to surprise all my other motherfucking toys with some hidden motherfucking claws…. But guess what…that week was a tax lesson. Though the toy cost $5 it was actually 5.25.  I was crushed for a second but realized i didn’t have enough money.  The next week I went back and it wasn’t there….i had $6 but wasn’t going to be kicking any non-clawed toys asses that day, but my parents felt so bad that i had been saving up for a MONTH AND A HALF for a $5 toy that they took me around until i found one.  Here’s what i learned…if i wanted something is could do the work (chores) to save up for it and it was more satisfying once i earned it myself.

But now?  Kids are pining over $26 hats that make them look like fucking D-bags, and they just stomp around a little bit and before you know it not only do they have their flat brimmed hat..they also have another $50 of shit they don’t need.  Want to know why our economy is going to shit….because parents can’t say no…and develop bullshit traits in their kids.

You’re a parent…your only reason for why your kids aren’t getting something should be “NO”.  I’m tired of seeing parents ruled by their 10 year old shitty kids.

All this bullshit parenting comes back to video games/movies/porn….guess what…if you don’t buy little Billy grand theft auto…then he wont be killing cops on XBOX…but once you buy it for him…your ability to complain is waived..do some fucking homework if a game is rated M or a movie is rated R.  Block sites online.  Parents play such victim roles like they have no choice…that they are powerless to their spoiled fucking kids…You bought the XBOX, Computer, DVD player…i’m pretty sure you can control what it is fed.

In conclusion…these days kids are dicks…their parents are pussies…no surprise our future is fucked.

Quick Facts

90% of Jersey Shore episode have created 70% of flat brimmed hat wearing D-bag kids

They say God rested on one of those earth building days….most people see it as Sunday..but with Tebow’s loss…can we all agree now that the Sabbath is actually Saturday?

There has never been an event in the Dakotas that generated national headlines…other than the Dakota Civil war which obviously left the divided North and South Daktotas…allowing South Dakota to own slaves to harvest their tobacco and North Dakota to gain a strangle hold in news stories the rest of the country doesn’t give a shit about

Speaking of shitty states….if it weren’t for Mormons would anyone know that Utah is a state? Their other big accomplishment has been diminishing the influence of jazz by stealing New Orleans basketball team.

A lot of people would take this weather patter, the crazy tornadoes…super hot  summers, shit ton of snow in the winter, they would put all of this together and then declare GLOBAL WARMING!

I only have one real way to refute global warming other than one simple argument.  As far as I’m aware, the dinosaurs didn’t drive SUVVs (I hope that’s a name of a real defense to global warming idea). For one, a T-Rex’s tiny arms would prevent him the ability to drive an Escalade.  Plus, if he drove any car it would be a Miata.  But when you look at it…Dinosaurs lived in the natural world with no technology but when you look at some of the temperature changes through the history of the world before humans there have been HUGE swings before we ever set foot on the planet.  But now, since we are such an arrogant species, we assume we are to blame for any changes that are occurring.  Remember the Ice Age?  That shit didn’t happen because animals weren’t using long-life light bulbs.  It wasn’t all tire fires and big rigs with the cavemen.  But now after Al Gore and his awesome book/documentary it was the cool thing to do to jump on board the Global Warming bandwagon.  This is the same guy that people make fun of for saying he created the internet, but now all his science is sound? So yeah, in conclusion….Dinosaurs didn’t drive SUVs and their weather still sucked.

In another life.

I hate when people use that term.  “In another life I would have been a dancer” Well in this life you’re 400lbs and need your reachin’ stick to get to the remote. “in another life” is like a safer way to bitch about what hasn’t worked out in life.  If you’re going to complain just do it, don’t try to hide behind a statement like that. Everyone has regrets and what they could have been, but it gets infuriating when the ability, and resources are still there to make things happen but its just assumed that their time has past.  “In another life” should actually be, “I don’t want to put the work in to….”

So changing gears again.  So i was thinking about how movie reviewers have still been talking about just how formulaic and repetitive “The Hangover II” was.  Thing is, one of the best trilogies in film history was just as formulaic.  And i am of course talking about the “Mighty Ducks” franchise.  Team’s down and out, evil team is very good, team finds out it has character issues, learning happens, new player probably brought in, Ducks win, bad team learns the evil of their ways, everyone’s happy.  When you saw a Mighty Ducks movie, you knew exactly what to expect, and you saw it anyways.

Well you knew what to expect, unless you are of course talking about the “cake eater” line in Mighty Ducks (the original).  Who has EVER been called a cake eater.  You know how long it took me to figure out what he was insulting him about.  Have you EVER called a rich kid a cake eater unless it is in an ironic manner referring to the movie? How long did that gem sit on the drawing board before they finally just said, “fuck it, its a kid’s movie about hockey, no one will see it anyways”.

One problem about the sequel D2 though, the knucklepuck, and its crew

1. A puck flipping end over end looks bigger and is easier to stop.

2. Did i miss the early 90s street hockey boom in popularity with minorities?  Seriously, they make it seem like in California, you walk on any tennis court and you’ll find a group of black kids that not only play hockey, but can easily beat the US national team?

3. The Mighty Ducks franchise continually ignored the rules of hockey.  Keenan, just because you take your mask off as the surprise goalie, doesn’t mean you can skate past the red line with the puck.  However, as a goalie, you’re allowed to shoot the puck whenever you want, so the whole mask taking off dramatics…completely unnecessary.  This blunder has haunted him his whole career i’m sure. Not to mention the fact that play would be blown dead as soon as he took his mask off.

4. How do you pitch that one to the coach.  Coach, we were playing full contact street hockey on our off time and got beat by a team of roller hockey players.  They’ve never ice skated before, but the short fat kid has a crazy shot…can we put him on the team? Coach Emilio Estevez thinks “sure, i already recruited one homeless kid in an alley because he could hit a suitcase with a slapshot, why not?”.

Emilio Estevez is a whole issue to deal with.  Guy gets a DUI, so they think you know what would be perfect? Have him coach a kids team. Oh and you know that team he used to play on that haunts his memories yeah, he’ll be coaching against him.  Also, Emilio must have had the easiest upbringing in the world if at 30 something his biggest haunting memory was not scoring a goal on a penalty shot when he was 5.  What the fuck, tell the story to try and bang Charlie “spazzway” Conway’s mom, but leave it at that.  And it took the wisdom of a 12 year old to break him out of the slum “an inch to the right…you miss the net completely”  well there goes the 1000s of dollars of therapy you spent trying to get to that breakthrough, all it took was a troubled youth and breakfast to get past it. He shows up to coach youth hockey games in a suit, he flys off the handle at every opportunity at these poor kids, but they all come from such shit families that they are used to it and the parents seem to not give a damn.

Emilio had great lawyers, no jail time for my client.  He’s got alcohol problems, daddy issues, and is constantly in a very shaky mental state.  The best course of action is a youth hockey team.  Done and Done.

so yeah, its hot outside, dinosaurs can’t drive cars, in another life…. Mighty ducks was awesome because it was horrible.

Some people may blame pop music and all of its sexually charged music

Some may say it has something to do with the lack of parenting, broken homes

Others may even bring up the fact that the internet makes pornography readily available to anyone that wants to see it.

However, one person (THIS GUY) has found the real reason.  And I found this out in an unexpected manner.  Its the cost of an average date…lets take Dinner and a movie

When i was in high school i was filling my tank of gas for $20 and movies were $5, throw in another $10 a piece for dinner and you’ve got a date for what $50 for both people total!

So instead of sounding like an old man, i’ll just get to the point.   I went to see the Hangover II (which was good by the way. I don’t know why critics expected the sequel to a movie called “The Hangover” to be a Shakespearesque comment on the current state of American drinking culture…we’re just supposed to laugh dummies.  If that takes a monkey, a mike tyson tattoo, and a very predictable plot to do it…than so be it)  Anyways…what was i talking about…oh yeah, my point of this blog. Teen pregnancy is a direct result of increased movie ticket prices.  Girls say that at times they can feel pressured to put out after they are given a gift.  Well guess what, when I went to the Hangover II the tickets cost $15 a piece.  It costs about $50 to fill my gas tank, lets say now that we’re over the age of 21 price of dinner goes up significantly with a few drinks. So instead of $10 per person we’ll jack it up to $20.  So the date that cost $50 total (not saying it takes a full tank of gas to get to the movies, but come on…this is nocturnal rudy its not fucking alan greenspan giving you this info)…the current date 30+40+50….$120…what fucking high school kid has $120 for a first date!  NO ONE,  Good GOD!, 120.  I would have just kept going through high school as a virgin and spent the money on more video games or gas to get to more hockey games.

So, you want to know why teen pregnancy is higher….because where as before you might be good with a kiss after a first date, now you’re feeling like you should at least be getting a BJ after its all said and done, because you can’t afford the next 5 dates it might take you anyways.  So everything is condensed.  The cost of a date now, is 2 dates a flower and renting a movie from Blockbuster afterwords. Also, since you can’t get condoms for free at schools, you have to buy them from a gas station or a CVS just another expense to add to the mix. So only rich kids are getting the chance to go on multiple dates complete with safe sex, experienced in the right amount of time.  Meanwhile, Joe 6-pack is knocking up chicks left and right cuz they can both only afford one date and no condoms. Why do you think  Obama is trying to get gas prices to stabilize, because we can’t just keep on expanding the low-class.  What they haven’t made public is that AMC has coat-tailed its way on the bill.  Gas won’t go over $4 a gallon, but with a student I.D you also get buy one get one free tickets and free popcorn.

You know what else has led to our decline.  Auto-flushing toilets, and auto-dispensing paper towel.  At first it is explained that it is for hygienic reasons…but lets be honest, its because we can’t even expect people to flush their own feces down the toilet anymore.  And basically as the people are done not flushing their shit down the toilet, you need the paper towel to force itself towards their hands so maybe the fucker will at least wash before shaking your hand.  Our minimum expectations for how to act in public have literally gone down the toilet. Half the shit kids say in the grocery store to their parents was enough for me to get knocked out cold (not that my parents took it that far, but the fact that i would expect it to happen, and never think to report it because…well….i was being a little dick). Parents get all their kids cell phones, we’ve been made to believe that if you leave your kids at a park to play with their other friends they are automatically gonna get kidnapped and sexually assaulted.  In the end, society sucks right now, kids are all little d-bags…and we are basically force-feeding teenage girls dicks with the way dating is these days.

Just sayin’

The poster would be me leaning on a heat press smiling and giving a thumbs up with this quote on the bottom.

“A kid born with fucked up feet dared to dream of more…”

Someone that had it all got paid pretty well, only to fall and rise again….to aspire to something greater adequete.  Rudy lost his previous job and after his meager pay at his new job led to his eventual eviction and loss of transportation he was forced to sneak an air mattress into the stockroom of his new job and make a humble living there.  Hoping, dreaming and waiting for his shot to shine…

(see the similarities to the original!?! Instead of living in the locker room with the wise old black janitor, I am living in a stock room at the ice rink!  Although, I must say, though my current manager is really cool, he isn’t black…he’s going to have to be cast as an older black man.  Because, lets be honest, don’t older black men always seem to have some secret wisdom to dole out?)

It just basically really dramatizes me doing simple things like scorekeeping in slow motion (which is already pretty slow motion), struggling at first to make jerseys but after overcoming his short comings (involving making straight lines with rulers), he turns out to be efficient at making the jerseys. After months of working hard he gets his shot.  Not to ruin it completely but all this leads to the climax where Rudy realizes his life dreams only option of becoming a shift manager at the small store he works in, and eventually being an above average goalie in upper B men’s league hockey.  Thus allowing him to make it to the poverty line, have to ability to arm the store security system, AND getting enthusiastic sexual contact from his girlfriend based on flashy glove saves.   Basically a fairy tale ending.

All that being said, it is still awesome going to work at an ice rink and be surrounded all day by hockey.  Not hard to get up for work at all.

Though it does suck that my computer, and xbox are broken, and i can’t play hockey for 2 more weeks because apparently my back is made of old man parts.  My body is basically like a Covette with two spare tires.  The potential is there, could be a high performance car…but you know…you REALLY shouldn’t go more than 50 miles on a spare.

I think the girl a Chic-Fil-A is hitting on me.  Someone else starts ringing me but she will come out of the back, get the person off of the register and do it herself, and then make a little too much small talk.  Girlfriend, don’t worry she’s not attractive (not that it would matter), but I could take one for the team for some free Waffle Fries and Polynesian sauce…and you know how good those two are!

One final note, Crazy Mike…Cookouts are supposed to be fun dude, just relax. Let the day happen. Don’t worry about minimum numbers of people. Have it at the house, cook some food have some drinks.  Its planning a cookout, we’re not landing troops on Omaha Beach.

I’m broke, but i’m currently typing on a portable computer which is wirelessly connected to the magic all knowing entity known as the Internet.  While i’m doing this I am watching a color TV show on a HD big screen using a device that allows me to pause live TV.

Old people?  They paid for an ICE MAN…a fucking ICE MAN.  You know what that means.  They had to budget their fucking ICE! Like if they enjoyed too many ice teas on Monday, they may have to wait an entire week for more.

I get pissed when my ice machine on the fridge doesn’t work, or if the ice trays (that we also have in addition to the machine in case it breaks) are empty.

I unleash profanity laden tirades at my TV screen while getting sniped playing an online shooter, or lose a game of basketball on XBOX (i mean come on KOBE, how can you go 3-23 from the field, guess that’s why you got swept).  But when my grandparents or an old person see one of these games on the TV it takes about 5 minutes of convincing that this is not reality, its a video game.  And then they just stand there, head cocked to the side mouth open in utter amazement.  But this isn’t too surprising.  These are the people that were mesmerized by the game of pong. Two white blocks, and a dot going back and forth.  People would fucking line up, waiting their turn to play a game where a yellow circle with a slice of pizza missing eats white dots in a maze, and if he found the bright flashing one he can temporarily eat his arch nemesis…ghosts?  and in his spare time eat some fruit.  What the FUCK were video games back then?  And how high were the people that created them.

Basically, I guess old people know how to appreciate all these wonders of modern wizardry better than us.

Have you ever seen an old person with a dirty car? The answer is no, not unless they have a completely debilitating condition. Even then, at least the interior will be spotless.  They treat their cars like fucking magic space chariots from the future.  That’s why they take so long to get started up.  They have a launch sequence to pull out of the driveway like its a take off from god damn Cape Canaveral.  Seat belt..check, mirrors…check, A/C, volume…They are the ONLY person to drive the car, but you’d think with all the adjustments they make, they lend the shit out non-stop.  Which we all know isn’t true.  Getting the opportunity to drive a grandparent car, is a completely foreign thing, it doesn’t even feel like you’re driving a car anymore.  Because of the care they put into it, you almost start believing that it really is this future machine of wonder.    The most stressful drive…by far, of my life, has been driving my granddad’s car around the block.  I couldn’t take to drive it any further I was just too afraid to mess something up.

Old people dress like everyday is a formal event.  When I have a day (or possibly even TWO) off chances are I’m wearing a t-shirt and some gym shorts for both days.  I mean I’ll change the shirt, but unless I’m going out to a bar or something that’s about as formal as I get at home.  Old people?  Its button downs, sweaters, slacks, and dress shoes.  And this is done to read the newspaper!

I don’t know, I just feel like although life sort of sucks right now.  At least i wasn’t around in the 30s or 40s when we were trying to keep Nazis from taking over the world, recovering from the great depression, and getting our thrills from playing marbles, and maybe seeing a girl’s ankles every once in a while.

Now we have the great opportunity of being in a world showing signs of global economic collapse, wars against an enemy that can’t really be defined, high unemployment rates…

Fuck, i guess its about the same…the problems are still there, we just get access to them quicker.  But on the plus side…tits, we get to see way more tits.

You’re Welcome

Anyways…

So a little while ago I made my triumphant forced return to retail, but this time it is in a setting that is much more enjoyable to me.  I can’t really say specifically where I work.  All I can say is that we sell sports apparel and make jerseys.  Selling the sports apparel is not the bad part.  There’s nothing to it really.  Where the magic happens is in the jersey process….first…a few thoughts on sports jerseys.

If you own a jersey of a professional sports team, DON’T wear it while playing the sport of the jersey.  Example, if the weather is nice and you want to dust off your XXXL Kobe jersey, the place to do it is not on the basketball court.  It just automatically makes everyone want to embarrass you on the court.  It also does the player a disservice.  Though no one is going to be in danger of mistaking your half-speed uncoordinated lay-up with a Kobe Bryant signature reverse, or 360…it is just adding to the fact that you have no business playing basketball in a pro’s jersey

Wanna toss the pigskin around a little bit?  If you’re gonna wear your Peyton Manning jersey while doing it…Maybe you shouldn’t two-hop it while using your patented limp-wristed delivery style

But the offense even worse than this?  Getting a custom jersey o f a pro team made with your own last name on it.  This is inexcusable if you are over the age of 12.  I play hockey, and I see this shit all the time.   Some guy can barely stand on his skates but has spent $300 on an authentic NHL quality jersey so he can flop around on the ice with it.  Or you have Jerry McDbag who thinks every pick-up game he’s playing is his audition for the pros.  Like NHL scouts are clamoring over which 40 year beginner hockey player they can sign to a contract on the spot.  Look, just leave the names on the back to the pros.  They worked hard to get it put there, don’t make a mockery of that by throwing your nick name on one.

Ok, so back to original point.  I make jersey for kids, the kids could care less about the jerseys.  They are just super excited to see their name on an actual hockey jersey.  However, the parents…the parents need exact quarter inch spacing between names, the parents want to watch while you make it.  A lot of these parents tend to be the stay at home type, and see this as the time to finally exercise power over someone.  So when we ran out of the letter ‘Z’ halfway through the season (a letter that obviously wouldn’t be stocked as well) this dude flips ou t because he needs two jerseys with the letter Z. I am polite to him in every interaction.  Then finally he  exclaims that “other kids had Z’s on their jerseys, why not his’?  Why not? Because WE ARE OUT OF THEM.  Or, Because 10 teams of kids got their jerseys in on time, and you being late a fuck kind of get the bottom of the barrel.  When you are late, there tend to be penalties (just like my car payment).  What did this guy think i was doing….hording Z’s in the back like fucking Golem and only doling  a Z out to anyone that can answer my series of riddles?  This guy comes in pissed off multiple times, and everytime I tell him his jersey will be done IMMEDIATELY when the Zs come in.  So when they come in…I get them both done in about 10 minutes. Call, leave a message, and he comes back a week later.  Don’t really understand it.  Important enough to give me shit multiple times a week when we don’t have it, but when its ready it takes him a week? Give me a break.

Anyways, other parents are also bitchy about other things.

Don’t judge me…just shaking the rust off.

The other day i was watching True Life: I have paranormal abilities.  I couldn’t stop watching it.  It was too hilarious to move away from

Lets start with the title.  I HAVE paranormal abilities.  Not…I might have paranormal abilities, not…i’m kind of paranormally gifted, not…I hear voices, I HAVE paranormal abilities…FACT.

First there is this girl that seems Semi-normal more than para-normal.  She basically has been living in this apartment for a while with a friend and between them both being two stupid college girls have decided that their place is haunted…because “paranormally blessed” girl number 1 thinks so.  What was great about this first girl was that they were following her as an up and comer.  So it followed her training.  Which LITERALLY involved her going to the yellow pages and finding a “Psychic” and inviting her over.  That’s right, the best thing about having paranormal abilities is that you need ZERO training.  Just say you have the ability, and list yourself in the phonebook and you’re fucking official.

So insert some 80s metal or something cause here is your “training montage”

First: She is taught by creepy “psychic” how to use “divining/dowsing rods”  which basically seems to involve squeezing one hand or tilting one hand harder than the other…and before you know it HOLY SHIT A GHOST IS TALKING TO YOU.  And since the rods crossed i think the spirit is wanting you to pay me another $50.

Second: This is my favorite, they are sitting back to back and she guesses what color this lady is holding up  on a card.  She gets three in a row right and it confirms she must have some other-wordly abilities.

….Now this is ridiculous.  Every time I’m playing drinking games like “high/low”….or “up the river down the river” (where you have to guess colors or suits of cards) I don’t think i’m fucking Nostradamus for getting a god damn card right.  I don’t assume that I willed the card to appear because i’m fucking Jew hating woman beating Mel  fucking Gibson Maverick.  I got lucky…and now you all are getting drunk…end of story.

So after this VERY extensive and official training she is ready to start doing readings and shit….blah, blah,  blah…then comes my favorite.  She hears a building is haunted and wants to try and communicate with the spirit that resides there.

How I wish I were an employee at this place of business.  Because how great of a story would it be that this crazy chick walked in and asked permission to talk with the spirit that is in your building.  Fucking…mind…numbing…awesomeness.   I would then promptly request to take my lunch break so i can watch crazy personified at work.  She decides that since the spirit is a little girl she would like a stuffed animal, and she would leave it for her, and then periodically check to see if the animal has moved.  Where does she leave this animal to ensure its not fucked with?  The stockroom of the store.  One of the main places where shit will probably be moved around.

So, in a revelation that would shock no one….when she comes back a few weeks later….THE STUFFED ANIMAL HAS MOVED!!!!  OH SHIT FUCK!  Its gotta be ghosts.

See that’s what separates the sane from the INsane.  Reasons the stuffed animal could have moved.

1) Someone bumped into it

2) A worker played with it

3) An employee wanted to fuck with the crazy girl

4) something fell on it.

……100000)  A ghost was bored and with its dead little ghost hands moved the stuffed animal for the sole reason to try and communicate with you from beyond the grave.

lets guess which one she picked…

Yep, more likely that a spirit from the great beyond messed with the stuffed animal Vs. It just falling over.  Fucking classic.

Next up was Fatty McGee and her new boyfriend Billy Ray.  See Fatty has feelings for Billy Ray, she can tell he must have feelings too since he says all of about two words while she babbles on about whatever bullshit she says and laughs at her when she says she can communicate with the dead.  Fatty is all about talking to dead people. She loves the shit out of it.  But she hates the fact that her mom and boyfriend say that it is witchcraft and it will send her to hell

(seriously, we still use the term “witchcraft” and damn people for its practice.  Fucking time travel a Puritan from the colonies to our times…i’m pretty sure the internet would be the great sorcerer and we would all be declared witches)

Anyways, Fatty is torn because she knows she has this gift of making generalizations about peoples dead loved ones that can help so many people, but she also doesn’t want to go to hell.  Obviously she chooses for the greater good and goes to a “convention” that looks like it takes place at a Flea Market.  She gives some readings and is troubled the Billy Ray would rather buy guns than listen to her swindle people out of their hard earned cash.

They break up, she didn’t even see it coming.

Another reason i love MTV….16 and mother fucking knocked up!

95% of the couples are just living dioramas of white trash america.  Like you go to the museam of natural history and right next to the cavemen you see the fat POS boyfriend with a Cheetos stained t-shirt and drool dribbling down his face accompanied by his bitter and also fat and worthless girlfriend…who is beating him mercilessly…because well…he’s a POS and ruined her awful figure by knocking her up.  And  somewhere i guess there’s a baby.  That’s what’s best about the show.  It could just be called “Stupid fucking teens say the darnedest things” and it would be just as good.  No babies even needed.

I was watching either 16 and pregnant, teen mom, or teen mom 2 (the fact that there are so many of these shows is a little depressing)  with the Girlfriend the other day…and this couple had been dating for a month when the boyfriend knocked her up…Don’t worry…it was a romatic Hollywoodesque story.  You know the one…Girl needs rebound…meets guy at party…they screw in his truck…BAM twins…the both live underwhelmingly ever after.

Also I love the Jersey Shore.  I got over my hatred for how such D-bags could be famous, and just embraced it for the train wreck it is.  All i know is Deena is getting fucked 6 ways to Sunday and may or may not have sold a baby or two for another Jagerbomb at the bar.  The other great part about the show is seeing how they have chosen to spend all of their money.  They all have to have a few mil by now.  Vinny is most impressed with his purchase of a shower caddy.  Pauly D seems to still live at home even though he makes bank DJing.  Snooki has bought a nice BMW and decided to trash it up with what looks like $10 seat covers and an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover….Snooki most definitely still wants smoosh smoosh.  The Situation has done well financially…someone has obviously told him about “developing his brand” because in the first episode alone i think he worked the word ‘situation’ in about 250 times.  Ronnie is peddling the newest legal steroid/weight loss pill.  Sammi cries a lot…i think that pretty much has monopolized all of her time.  And JWow spends all her money on large hoop earings, slutwear, and sass.

Basically a recipe for success.  More so because in this season their self-importance has really hit an all time high.

I’m at 1300 words…i’ll just stop…but basically  MTV is great because it sucks so hard.  The TV is too bad not to watch.  Its like watching Trains that are hauling wreckage from previous train wrecks continuously smashing into each other.

Uh…YUP…all of the above…since last year’s tournament was so successful we were able to secure a top-notch arena.  The combatants realize what is at stake and are told they can pick two items from the arsenal.

Pockets is up first and picks a pinwheel, a short sword, and sheild.  After many minutes of debate…they realize that young pockets doesn’t get the concept of counting…or atleast doesn’t get the concept of not getting everything he wants….it’ll be interesting seeing how he even holds all of this.

Quirky immediately goes for the trident and net, and then declares himself as “Land Poseidon”   he then starts polling the audience on “if you could be any Greek god….”

The match has started…Quirky takes the chance to study his opponent…Pockets takes the chance to make his pinwheel spin and talk to the lion.  ”What is your favorite color….mine is all of them”

The audience awwws and the lion eats the pinwheel…this pisses pockets off…the slays the lion with a surprisingly surgical strike from his short sword.  He starts a weird Zumbaish dance while flailing his sword and shield around getting every closer to Quirky….Who is still polling more audience members on the greek gods.

Quirky screams “AAAAAHHHHH” and covers young pockets with the net….Pockets looks to be down for the count…unable to find his way out of the net…

But at the last second…in disgust a fan throws some Kirkland brand beer on Pockets and he starts breaking out…and then in a Gremlins fashion…multiple pockets’ start popping out of him

“miami pockets”  ”big city pocket”  ”navy pier sailor pockets”  ”chef pockets”  ”gangsta pockets (and joe green?)”   all start popping out…suddenly this is an unfair fight

Quirky is completely unprepared….there are no sitcoms that allow him to strategically designate them cast members….before he knows it….he’s overwhelmed…

Winner: Mike Pockets

So remember that 2009 wrap-up and how there was never REALLY a winner..lets be fucking honest it was Mark’s Pub…but the realy match-up that i never dealt with was Pockets Vs. Kidd Quirky (crazy mike/jmu mike)

So religion huh….everyone loves when i talk about religion because there is absolutely no way to offend anyone.  Its one of the safest topics you can bring up.  In fact try this…next time you’re talking to a girl at a party or there is an awkward silence on your first date….Just fire up an ‘ol religion conversation…will smooth things over immediately.  People that know me…know that religion doesn’t really normally hold a role in my life…but over the last year it has played a bigger part, and then hearing about the Wikileaks thing and watching random shit involving the Catholic church…well…its got me riled up again.

First thing’s first…Catholic church…what are you doing!?!  It just seems like you can’t get anything right…you start to advocate the use of condoms…kind of…and then you say to read any Wikileaks involving the Catholic church with “prudence”.  That to me…sounds like the guiltiest thing the Catholic church could say.  It basically says…so yeah, you all know about the kids getting molested around the world and how we “say” we’ve dealt with it and that its just all rouge priests…oops….Now, granted i don’t know what’s in the Leaks but lets be honest…you NEVER hear GOOD news coming out of the Catholic church.  You hear more good news coming out of the Gaza Strip than you do out of the Catholic Church. The reason for this to me is obvious though..

The Catholic Church is the most archaic thing left on the planet.  In history its always been an institution of power that hid behind the veil of religion…Basically its like the Wizard of Oz and the popes just taking their turn relieving the guy behind the curtain.  See, the whole ‘pope’ thing worked when we accused women that knew math of witchcraft….when there wasn’t this newfangled interweb, or texting.  When you could just silence a few people and profess yourself God’s best buddy on earth.  Seriously…the voting in of the Pope is as rigged as my high school FBLA cabinet.  See what happened was…I was identified as being the next FBLA president…someone that could turn things around.  At first this sounded great until i realized i didn’t know what the fuck i was doing.  I was named president without vote, and when we went to vote for other officers, i would always nominate my friend and tell everyone as president my votes counted as two.  I would then nominate my friends with the most credibility first…they would get elected and then we would go down the list.  Everyone that was elected would just be another vote in the favor of our sham cabinet…and by the end all of our friends were officers.  Memebership went up like 200% but nothing got done and i was in over my head…Its the same fucking thing (i never simplify situations through loose comparison by the way)

So you have a huge amount of people that you tell you are the mouth piece of God on earth because all of your buddies at work said you were.  Seriously?  Fucking Seriously!?!  And then you go to church and put your money in the bowl when they pass it around because God’s hurting for the money.  ”Hey everyone, the bowl’s looking a little light today…and you KNOW God’s got alimony and rent to pay”.  And then you watch while Rev. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton make an open mockery of the whole thing…

You know, I try to give religion a chance because at its core it SHOULD be a good thing.  Pretty much every religion preaches acceptance…But its manipulated…and before you know it..it leads to isolated communities…wars…and an avenue for get out of jail free card (confessions..absolving of sins).  I’ve been to white churches, pre-dominantly black churches, taken classes of all different religions, my mom dated a Muslim man for like 5 years… and The Girlfriend is Jewish…But every experience I’ve had with religion has been a negative one…EVERY SINGLE ONE.  Instead of being a source for comfort and support, it always seems more focused as us vs. them…or a way to keep people out.  Its bullshit…more people have died under the guise of religion than all other causes.

So anyways…ESPN’s 30 for 30 is fucking fantastic…Even when i don’t want to watch it and i’m just flipping through the channels if i come across it i’m hooked immediately.  Tonight’s was about SMU and how they had their football program taken away for two years back in the 80s for serious recruiting violations.  I think its bullshit to begin with that the NCAA makes 100s of millions of dollars off of these kids and if they get a job or a car they get their scholarships taken away and are marked as cheaters.  But the fact that the media spins it like USC is just a bad apple is absurd.  Everyone knows that it happens at every major school.  You have a bunch of 18 year olds coming to your school….throw em some girls, money, a car, whatever…really its a great return on the investment…no 18 year old really knows the value of money so you get off cheap in the long run.  Its exactly as the closing statement of the show said.  The NCAA violations aren’t to punish cheaters as much as they are to tell the schools to be more subtle about it…I mean shit…how are the BCS bowls not some kind of violation…oh that’s right…its because it makes the NCAA and the big schools a shit ton of money.

Lady Gaga looks like a man…I think the only reason she wears ridiculous costumes is to make sure no one is focused on her face.  She’s got to be the idol of trannies everywhere.

Also, Alexander Semin is a worthless teammate.  I know that Ice Hockey is a super popular topic in the American blogaverse  so i thought i’d throw that out there.  Princess Semin trying to be the prettiest girl at the ball every fucking game trying to make highlight reels with every pass and shot…He gets cross-checked tonight…doesn’t like how his hair looks in the replay and gets himself kicked out of the game for retaliation…Please trade him Caps…PLEASE!

They have business meetings

They have happy hour

They have A LIFE

For the last 3 years I have been overnight.  And for most of those 3 years I was also single.  This blog was a way to release all the anger i felt…towards my job…my predicament….the fact that i couldn’t get a girl…the fact that i was missing out. Can you blame me?  You work your ass off…working more hours than anyone you know…just for your days off to be a whole 12 hours off of every one else’s schedule…I drank ALOT…and got fat…Before i went overnight i weighed 185…after overnight i currently weigh 205….and that’s only because i’ve lost 20-30 pounds since picking up hockey again.

I would think about something funny but have no one to say it to, i would want to do something but look around and see everything closed.  Just think about simple things…when can you do laundry or chores?  You can’t….because no one appreciates you running the washer, dryer, dish washer, or hammering in nails at 2 am.  So for a long time i just felt like a worthless piece of shit.  I knew what i had to accomplish in a day…but knew that whether i was working or was off..it was impossible to do.  I’d just see my ‘To do list’ sitting in front of me. And watching that pile up everyday, just makes you feel worse…and its a viscous cycle…you get just enough done to function…but not enough to not feel stressed.

The few times I got to go out, people would go to bed “early” i forgot that normal people dont stay up till 6am…so i’d just pass out “early” around 9 or 10 in the morning. I’d wake up for a few hours and then force myself back to sleep to get back on my 10PM-6AM schedule.

I’d hear the sickening sound of my alarm and just wake up completely in the dark…off my sleep schedule…hungover…and trying to figure out where my day off went…Paw around the pile of clean clothes next to my bed till..with one eye open i could recognize a wrinkled red polo…throw it on…find some shorts…and head past living room…past everyone living their normal lives.  And for the most part, the drive into work consisted of wondering what i would do if i had a normal schedule.  Wondering what ‘prime time tv’ was…what inside jokes and pop culture references i was missing.

Now i know this sounds like a sob story…but it was my life for a long…LONG time…people bitch about 1 long day…or a week of having to get up early…I’m just trying to convey the plight of the overnight…

When holidays just mean you go 24 hours without sleep around your family, and you have to go right back the next day off of litte to no sleep.  Where you just wake up pissed off…you snap at everyone…you just can’t be pleasant…because you are jealous of EVERYONE.  Because they all have semi-normal lives.  Its hard to listen to their problems….its hard when you are getting 4 hours of sleep a night and working 10 hours.  Its hard when they GET to have problems in society, and vent them to people, while you’re left with your own problems and solitude.

This is just a blog to say…overnight people…i feel you.  I will never..as long as i live…look down on the factory worker…the 3rd shift employee, the truck drivers….because i understand the sacrifice that goes along with the job before you ever even punch in.

I’m off of overnights…it may not be my according to my plans but its over…but i’m scared

I’ve changed over the last 3 years…and i don’t know if it was due to coping with my shift…or if its who i am now.  But i just hope i can eventually get back to being semi-normal again.  That my relationship with my girlfriend (who currently works overnight) will work out.  And that all the people i didn’t get in touch with can forgive me.  Its a lot easier to forget about what you miss when you aren’t reminded of it. So sorry for being a shitty friend…to all those that apply.

So bring the normal..crippling depression on!

That being said…i may still write a blog from time to time.