You remember games you used to play when you were kids?  I do…we played in “the fort”  see the fort was a giant honey suckle bush in the middle of our neighborhood.  What adds an extra layer to this game though was the fact that i lived on a military base.  So of  course even though we didn’t know what our fathers did…we knew ranks…and we thought that shit was cool…so we all had ranks for the fort.  And there were 3 brothers on the corner that were the highest ranking.  Nate of course was the highest rank…cuz he was 13 and that was fucking ancient.  He would play with us every now and then (this was through my 2nd and 3rd grade years)…and play in the fort with us….But the funny thing was…we thought he was doing us a favor..but in real life he was torturing us.  Dude could have done anything…he was 13 so he was a god.  So i remember specifically one way to try and get promoted was…He stood at the top of his hill and drove golf balls at us and his friend chucked footballs at us.  It was like hamburger mother fucking hill…well hamburger hill jr.  Me and my friends looking at each other with this sense of horror and greed.  As we dodged golf balls and got pelted in the face with footballs we were also kicking each others asses.  I got to the hill first but to my shock…Aaron that mother fucker (just so happened to be nate’s brother) he got the same rank as me!  

Now what you have to understand is how retarded this all is….I ran up a hill while Nate got out his dad golf clubs and took hacks at us….I’m not upset that i got pelted with various sports projectiles…i’m pissed because of the rank i got inside the honey suckle bush.  See this bush was gigantic.  It could fit about 10 of us inside the middle…because for whatever reason it was kind of hollow in the middle…we had chair and dug out benches and everything.  But it was a strict hierarchy….and no one could really join…well for the time being atleast.  When you saw someone that wasn’t part of the fort you either threw rocks at them or beat them up.  In fact once we found this annoying kid Bradley’s backpack…full of his toy guns and burnt the whole thing in the woods….starting a mini forest fire that i frantically stomped out with my bare feet.

See i guess playing “Fort” should have been playing anarchy…or Soviet Society.  But we kept going.  Eventually Nate and Aaron moved away and i was forced to leave the fort to someone else that was there.  I just remember my last day there as i handed him our broom…and told him all the rules…demanded he swept the floor (because nothing’s more important than making sure our dirt floor is clean)….and then left.  Thinking….its all over…can’t believe that kid’s in charge.

Other things from this period of my life…

Other games

The Creek: OH THE FUCKING CREEK!  Catching frogs, tadpoles, fish, newts, lizards and the illusive snake or turtle (who were like the gold fucking medals)

….and one time we found this bank of clay…and filled up buckets of it…we were soooo happy…guess who wasn’t so happy.  Dad…yeah Dad came out wondering how we were having suck a good time and then realized that we were having a ‘clay fight’ on the porch….the bricks…chairs…trash can…were all covered….Dad put an end to that game pretty quick…and shortly after i thought my dad was going to put an end to me…but rightly so..anyways…my tears started…i got a tongue lashing and was told to clean it up…still….i didn’t realize how much i had fucked things up until the next day when i saw how the splats of clay i missed basically turned into cement.  Seems like dad was justified…and probably wondering if his first born child was mildly retarded.

Then my mom got a doseage of my little retarded mind when i engadged in dirt fights on the play ground.  We would take a pack of our school paper and put loose dirt in a peice and then wind it up into a packet…then you would wing them at each other…and if you hit someone you watched the very satifying EXPLOSION of dirt when they got hit.  Big suprise…mom didn’t approve of this game as i came home literally covered from head to toe in dirt….and i had used up all my paper for school.  But me thinking i was sneaky would try to play dirt wars and just not get dirty…What little kid fucked up logic makes you think you’re not gonna get dirty playing dirt wars?  I still don’t know…but i threw on my MC Hammer multicolored pants and went to dirt wars round 2, 3, and 4 and every day i got home and didn’t get yelled at i felt like 00 fucking 7.  In reality my mom was probably just too tired to explain the stupidity of playing dirt wars and all the extra work i was causing her.

We caught bees in jars and then shook the jar up so they would fight each other and would bet on the winners.

I discovered mom can’t hear everything you say….and started cussing with a fury that could never be matched again.  I cuss a good amount now…but 3rd grade Rudy was on a fucking tear.  Every other word….though atleast i wasn’t the annoying kid that cussed and didn’t know how to know the words (“Oh yeah? Shut your bitch fuck” for example).  

When you played sports on base…it was awesome cuz very few people had fences…so you had HUGE fields to play on…however the gutters seemed to swallow every ball.  Nothing was worse than seeing your brand new ball bounce into the sewer drain….But…when we had heavy rains…JACKPOT…you’d hop on your bike and hit all the drains…by the end of the day you were like a 2nd grade version of a millionaire….”Yeah, thats a NERF ball….and it whistles”  

What was so great about riding bikes?  What you wanna do?  ”I dunno wanna ride bikes”  Me and Ant have both agreed that this was the greatest game/activity ever…but you never had an actual plan…you’d just ride around doing nothing…fucking great days.

One more….brilliant game my parents came up with.  ”Lets see who can pick up the most cigarette butts”  Me and my brother would be sent out to the yard with an empty coffee can each…and we got a nickle per butt.  You’d never seen two kids tear across a yard that fast…fucking thing was spotless….i was trying to count half cigarette butts as whole ones…picking up anything that resembled trash trying to pass it off as legit…the whole time thinking of the X-Men toy sitting on the rack at the mall about to be bought by a kid luckier than myself.

A game i didn’t play…”trucks” or “cars”  fuck those games…seriously…what do you do in those games…you just made car sounds and moved em back and forth over and over again.  Weak. 

I haven’t been scared this bad of new year’s since Y2K…you know why?  Because i’m figuring its my last year with hair.  I flipped the light on in the bathroom and what do i see?  It looked like the woods ouside my window….you know how a forest looks in the winter?  You see a shit load of trees but you can still see the houses or the road through it….same shit…i can see each individual hair and while there is still coverage…i that shits not gettin any buds when it gets warmer out.  So we play this same kind of game of roulette where i get my hair cut and we see what grows back…fuck!

What’s more annoying than talking to a drunk person when you’re sober?  Talking to a drunk person while you’re sober……..and at work.  Note to my friends: don’t call me on a friday night when you know i’m working and you’ve been at a bar for 5 hours.  Because not only is it annoying for you to be screaming nonsense into the phone over loud music and all the other happiness and bullshit in the backround…i have to try and get to a place…FAST…where my employees can’t find out that i hang out with a bunch of drunkards.

So more stories from my employees…The same hispanic lady that calls me Mister Sir Rudy (i feel like some sort of knight or some shit)….she also tells me the same story about her daughter all the time….Over….and Over…again.  See its a sad story…her daughter is handicapped…and she always tells me she needs more hours to support her.  Medical bills…schooling and otherwise….Buuut.  She tells me the same thing….in broken english…combined with my broken spanish.  My daughter is ehhhh…a retarded….ehh..she no think good….uummm she talk no funny but she need diaper she baby….(me yeah..uh huh…how is her school)….School is good classmate 3 daughter retard.  This broken slow story goes on…and on for about 10 minutes….and this only happens when i need to give her a ride home.  See she doesn’t have a car and sometimes while she’s wandering the store after she’s clocked out people forget to take her home and then its up to me.  Everything is fine it starts out with “oh mr sir rudy your very nice hahah”  and then we start driving and she just randomly starts into a story….”My daughter eh…etc”

That’s how i end 10-12 hour days….covered in dirt and trash residue….playing fucking spanish guess who language addition….and then getting stuck in traffic for an hour.

Hey did you hear that Kate from Jon and Kate wants to be in a movie some day….what a fucking cunt…goes on all day about how Jon is ruining everything and her kids are crushed but then decides that’s the time to tell everyone she thinks she should be in hollywood….Fuck you Kate….Guess what….fuck housewives of whatever fucking city….Look at Kate Housewive of everyday america….plan on being a housewife and don’t have any fall back plans or skills and wind up banking on hollywood for a job.

I have no problems with housewives by the way…i’d love to be able to make enough money to support my wife and family and have her be able to stay home and give more attention to the kids…but i’m not marrying no dumb no talent broad that can’t hold her own.  A trophy wife isn’t pointless i guess…but if you pick that same trophy wife to stay at home and raise your family good luck…you’ll end up with gold digger daughters and little boys that learn no actual skills…its basically a D-bag factory.

Hey guess what…the world series is 1-1….the way i see it is that i just saved about 7 hours of my life by not watching the games…cuz really its 0-0 in a 5 game series…that’s why i’ll only watch a world series game in about the 7th inning in an elimination game.  Its more exciting updating the score on your phone that watching a 15 minute hitless inning.

Our apartment is full of DJ fucking heroes.  That’s right…i didn’t think it was good enough to be proficient at one plastic instrument…needed to move on to a second…and one that looked more ridiculous to play….too bad DJ Overnight (lamest by far name) DJ Osama Spin Laden (Ant) and DJ Phat Pocketz (pockets…obviously)…don’t give a shit…we’re gonna wear those wheels of steel plastic out…and quick….So if you wanna hear mash ups…but want to get the live feel without the skill or perfection…head over to club 215…we the bessssssssst!

Just a short random blog….i’m all over the place…deal with it…

Eat your veggies!

This is It…Proper title for the “new” Michael Jackson movie…because this is it…this is the last possible moment that i will continue to tolerate MJ in the news these days.  I’m not saying he wasn’t a great performer…i’m just saying….the only time i should hear about him again is when he releases 20 more albums after his death like Pac…and only then it should be a Halloween tale (about the The Little Molester That Couldn’t Quit…its like the little engine that could…but instead of getting up a hill he keep raping children).  Jackson got his dues…he got every show on every channel singing his praises and tossing aside his ‘darker side’ to honor him for the musician and showman he was.  He got made for TV movies….he made his brothers a shit ton more of money by selling a lot more Jackson 5 CDs…he owned iTunes. But now?  Now….doesn’t it kind of feel cheap…Doesn’t it kind of feel like we are going to the colosseum.  Watch the last thing the guy did before he died?  I mean its cool you get to see Michael perform his practices for what was supposed to be his last concert…But wasn’t Michael Jackson always seen as a perfectionist for his live shows?  So don’t you think the last thing he’d want people to see are taped practices for his last big tour?  That’s a DVD extra not a movie.  And i think it does the Jackson family a disservice.  It also draaaaaags out this thing for another month or so.  

Jesus fucking buttfucking christ.  I was wrong about the swine flu….Everyone get scared….I’ll wait…

Scared yet?  Ok here’s why you should be….Remember when i said it would only kill babies and the elderly…people that are good at dying by their nature?

Wrong!  While babies are worthless and the elderly see walking without assistance as a significant accomplishment guess who are the other people affected….Yup!!  All of us 20 somethings….see our parents and other old people got shots for the initial swine flu so show some sort of resistance to this new swine flu…Guess who don’t…US.  Over 55% of people in the 20 something demographic are hospitalized by Swine Flu.  Also, remember a lot more people die of things like pneumonia a side effect sometimes from the flu than the actual flu itself….so numbers of swine flu related deaths could actually be higher.

Also, Brock Lesnar just cancelled his latest title defense with the UFC….oh i don’t care moan my readers…like fucking shit you don’t care. Brock Lesnar is the heavyweight champion of the UFC walks around at about 285 and was a multiple time collegiate wrestling champ…and guess why his fight is being cancelled….the flu.  Yup, didn’t say swine flu as of yet…but i don’t think the regular ol’ flu puts down a beast like that.  Also, he said its like nothing else that ever hit him….

So i guess what i’m sayin is….first 10 people to comment on this get 10% my shit when i die of swine flu.

Redskins fans…i don’t understand you.

How can a sea of fans be so upset that their over the hill…old…expensive…draft pick less team…has given them mediocre results….Be pissed when you watch the dumb singings and trades…be pissed when you draft the top DE but move him to LB….but stop fucking saying you’re going to the playoffs every year and then lose your shit when you don’t get to 10 wins.  Staring into the sun doesn’t make me a fucking astronomer…..and predicting 10 wins every year doesn’t make you a playoff team.  For fucks sake your owner is a dwarf….which is ironic because he owns amusement parks but can’t even ride his own roller coasters.  You botch the hiring of a head coach (jim zorn) then take away his play calling duties to give them to a dude that’s last important call was the winning square in bingo (Sherman Lewis).  You spend $100 million on a DT when your Defense was a top 10 defense but refuse to sign anyone to sure up your O-Line…OH KAY Skins fans….get with fucking reality…you weren’t a good team before pre-season….You’re not a good team now…You got about 3 years before you’ll be legit.  Oh and Jason Cambell…even when he isn’t getting sacked that just gives him enough time to make a bad throw…

Hate me DC….HATE ME….but try and prove me wrong.

Why the fuck do people listen to Lizards about car insurance…a Gecko told you you could save 15% on your car insurance….That’s cool…the US military said fuck your Gecko and its cheaper than Geiko.   USAA motherfuckers.  The only information i care about that comes from a gecko is if it could tell me how to climb up walls or lick my eyeballs when they’re itchy.

Ok…so first thing is first.  I am definitely not a woman…and further more i’m not even black.  However!  Tyler Perry has made a shit load of movies and money…and he seems like a strange dude…so if it works for him…why not me?

So remember that format…that is just to ensure more regular blogs….this blog is a mix of my life and randomness….

At this rate i’m going to be the most hated person at my job.  Cuz i had to Jim Zorn a mother fucker today.  See Dan Snyder took away his head coach’s play calling ability last week and that doesn’t seem to be working out to well for him.  Well today at work i had to take away an essential job function from an employee because he is not good at it.  And the thing is…this guy taught me a lot about my job…AND he’s got like 6 years of experience on me….so didn’t really feel too red hot…but oh well…we’ll see how that goes.

so you ever wonder how to land a sweet retail job like me?  Well here are some steps for you.

1) Major in something very broad and don’t be Ant.  See although Ant majored in Communications he had that whole being a living breathing superhero thing on his side.  I on the other hand majored in management…and guess what…i’m managing the fucking shit out of some shit.  Just so happens its overnight…i wear bleach stained pants to work because i don’t want to mess up good clothes and leave work covered in a fine coating of dust and sweat.

2) Stay AWAY from the library in college….If you ever saw me with a stack of books in the library…chances are i’m in an awesome game of spades.  (Note: i’m no dummy…though i may have fooled you through my butchering of the english language and ranting about unimportant shit…i still did pretty well for myself in the grade department)

3) Assume you’ll think of your dream job and achieve landing it sometime while you’re in college.  Then wait…

4) Have a lot of patience and the ability to open boxes quickly…

There you go!

So baby wipes aren’t just for babies any more…and neither is fucking baby powder!  Time to take the power back from the babies…Do your ass and balls a favor and invest…and feel like a king when you leave the bathroom….Or atleast “Shower fresh”….that’s fucking tagline for the Cottonelle wipes. Classic.  ”Your butt’ll be strikingly clean” was their first choice but it didn’t test well with the focus groups.  

Seriously though, we spend time picking up dog shit and doing everything for worthless babies.   Fucking grow up already babies.  Here are the things i’m going to train my baby to do.

First words/Conversation: Learn the ability to say “Oh sorry dad, i apologize for being a stupid fucking baby again…i’ll learn to shit in the toilet like a human and thus separate myself from the animals”.  Its a mouthful i know…but also completely necessary.

Next: “Right away dad”

Next: Powder own ass…or find a way to not wear a diaper.  Because contrary to all you baby’s stupid thoughts….there’s nothing convenient about carrying your shit with you every where you go.

I lost my voice last night

Whenever i lose my voice i feel like i could go up to a deaf or blind person and be like “I know right!?!”   Or at the very least give a head nod…though it might not be as impactful for the blind guy.

Hey Thursday Night TV!  I guess you never got caught bringing programming to school….Cuz you’re hogging it all…and i think its about time you share with the rest of the class.  Seriously my DVR gets a workout every thursday….We almost need a second TV in the living room just so we don’t have to miss anything.  The DVR makes you make unnecessary decisions…like its trying to teach americans to be less greedy.  Yeah, you can tape and even pause live TV go ahead and try!  Oh you wanna tape three shows…SHAME ON YOU…decide which one dies….

I wonder how many writers are cussing at their TV when they realize their show is never going to make it when their show ends up on their own DVR chopping block….Ohhhh I just picked a show about internet clips over my own tv show…shit looks like no golden globe this year…

So i’m trying to change the format of my blog….to ensure more regular posts you will get one post based on current events…one based on random thoughts…and one based on current events in my life…

This one…random thoughts.

I have no clue why bar furniture is so high and uncomfortable.  You would think they would want to make it comfortable…keep the drunk people comfortable and spending money…though i do see the downside of drunk people passing out in their awesome bar couches.  But still that does not excuse bar stools.  They are about 4ft high.  You perch yourself on them and try to find the balancing act immediately.  And for people like me (over 6 ft).  You have the dilemma.  Sit on the edge of the seat and try to lay your feet on the ground?  you do this and the chances are that your ass is going to be sore.  The other idea….try to find some way to hook your feet around the bar on the bottom of the stool.  And that sucks too….your knees, feet, or back ultimately hurt.  Fuck bar stools…..the only time they are ok is if you have the necessary bar on the table…you know the one i’m talking about.  The bar that if its there it puts you at ease…but if its not its gonna be a long night.  HEY THERE! I love you! You kick your feet out and the comfortably rest on the table giving you a great base….you now will have a comfortable seat and have a very low risk of a drunken spill to the floor.

Have you noticed how awkward it is to try and scootch your bar stool forward while sitting on it.  It like how tight rope walkers probably feel….As you try and slide it against the floor you feel it sort of teeter.  You need ninja like precision to make sure you get it in place without making yourself look like an ass.  I feel like when i’m getting ready to change position i should just motion to the waitress for one of those balance bars they normally use with tight rope walking.

Anyways, even if you get passed the uncomfortable fact that bars are not willing to give you a back to your chair or a place to rest your feet…how about this?

Why do they perch all the drunk people an extra foot or so higher from the ground than their normal patrons.  This makes no sense other than to entertain other customers and the waiting staff.  You take your people with the least coordination and you put them in the most dangerous position in your establishment.  What if i’m just plain clumsy (which i am) and with my long legs [they go on for miles ;0) ] i get one hooked into the stool and fall on my way to the bar?  What if i am severly fucked up and am trying to perch back on my stool and since i’m given a very small area to sit on and balance…i fall back.  Game over.

…whatever…just a thought though….get all your diners spending less money into the uncomfortable spaces…and give us fun loving money spending young folks the cushy booths.

…So you guys remember double dare?  You remember when you had the choice to take a physical challenge?

What happens when your kid has too much confidence in your familys athletic abilities…or atleast slime transporting abilities. cuz lets face it about half the challenges dealt with how much slime your could balance on your head and move across a wet floor…..the only other ones dealt with head-eye coordination…one kid throws something awful and you have to catch it in the beaker attached to your head and transport it to the waiting other family member to offload it into some sort of measurement container.

Anyways….i think it would be funny seeing the kids over and over yelling “Physical Challenge!” and then you look over to the parents that are like “fuck how does he not know we are the least physically gifted…least coordinated family to be welcomed onto the shit show”.  So they have to trot out againt to embarass dad as he slips on the wet floor concussing himself while the son thows random objects at his head with his patented limp wristed throwing style.  

Also with double dare…you remember all the obstacles on the final challenge?  My favorite…the hamster wheel when you had to run up the wheel to get the arm to drop…i also liked that pool thing you could jump over and the fire pole.

Hard ones?  Don’t get caught with 10 seconds to spare and the nose to go through…you know what i’m talking about…its the nose you had to dig through to find the flag….looks like your not getting your trip to a club med property…and tell johnny to stop practicing his casio keyboard in his head…cuz that shit isn’t happening.

So can we stop feeding these media whores already?  They are just screeching with their mouths outstretched waiting for all of us to feed them….and we can’t help it…we feed them…over and over again…

I’m speaking mainly about “Jon and Kate” and the “balloon boy” and his parents.

Jon and Kate:

Every week i see another magazine headline…detailing Jon’s dating life or some sob story headline about Kate…She’s talking about how all of this is ruining the kids….Newsflash…that’s what divorces do…I mean the fact that you signed on to have your kids video taped for a few years…yeah i’m sure they are fine from that…its all the divorce that is screwing them up.  Fuck you Kate.  You’re a fucking wench to your husband…so he left you.   You tried to be all controlling and both of you got wrapped up in the celebrity of it all…so have fun now…you’ve gotten what you deserve.  The kids though, sucks for them….They didn’t ask mom and dad to get artificially inseminated (which ups the chance of twins or higher astronomically)…and that would be hard enough being one of the sextuplets….but then throw in that you have twins for other brothers and sisters bringing the total to 8…you have a dad with a crushes spirit and a succubus for a mom…ok now we are reaching the danger zone…Oh but wait, lets throw em on TV.  Lets wait for mom and dad to get high off of celebrity and cheat on each other and have the whole divorce public.  Great call…The way i see it they need to start being adopted out because you’ve already seriously fucked these little kids up.  TLC may have got the jump on “Jon and Kate plus 8″ but what about E!….They will eventually get 10 true hollywood stories out of this deal.  Yeah, TLC you may have cashed in now…but E! is letting that shit simmer for a bit….just letting it sit in the bank building up more and more…until they cash out…CHA-CHING!  

That’s when Aiden or whatever the softheaded one with glasses’ name is reveals his struggles with heroin and his failing rock career.  

The older twin sisters are in porn and one dies of aids.  The other kids all share a one bedroom apartment and work as a cleaning service but have all written scripts for their variety show and are just waiting for their big break.  

Kate gets killed by the body guard and Jon has a coke problem…and is dating younger girls that he thinks are attractive just because they are young…but look like the girls that spend 20hrs a day in the tanning bed.  He at this point will have very little hair but will still be trying to spike it…will have a d-bag soul patch and always wear mirrored oakleys. 

Balloon kid:

I’m SO glad i missed all the live news coverage when everyone thought this kid was in a weather balloon.  That shit wasn’t believable during Roswell and its still a lame excuse when using it for lost kids.  Apparently the dad has tried multiple things to try to get publicity…and this final stunt was used to launch a potential reality TV show….Well we are playing right into it…with all of these daily articles.  

So first of all the kid’s name is Falcon….strike one.  Strike two?  The parents were already on an episode of wife swap…..Strike 3?  The dad’s horrible acting…whenever in a bind he would just say “i’m so glad we found you!” followed by quickly grabbing his sons head and kissing it…to not only try to show how much he loves his son…but to shut him up.  

Where i do have to give them credit…Its pretty ballsy to come up with a weather balloon as an excuse…because seriously…how dumb of a country are we when we belive that…this ‘normal family’ just has weather balloons laying around….and that his son somehow crawled into it and they had no way of stopping it before they released it.  And how would you not tear your house apart while reporting your son is supposedly in the balloon….Also, how could it not be a hoax…the kid is small as shit…wouldn’t he have to get some assistance to get up to where he was hiding…or leave some evidence of stuff he used to climb up there?

What’s funny about the situation though: that there isn’t really much they can get charged with….they are saying the most the can be charged with as of now is a class 2 misdemeanor.  And really the family got what they wanted…because even if they don’t get a reality show…they still got their moment in the spotlight.  SNL, days of news stories, and interviews.  So we are all the suckers…and we’ve all been watching reality shows and viral videos for years now…so why are we gonna try and get all mad now?  Yep..we’re dumb and we can’t get enough of trying to immerse ourselves in other people’s lives to take the focus off of our own….So guess what…lets just laugh with them…don’t be outraged…you’ve been had….Laugh it off and watch some My Antionio or something.

In closing…i guess i’ve been had to….because even though i was late on the balloon boy story and don’t follow the Jon and Kate show….Here i am…bloggin about it…shit…lets get some real news headlines so we can stop giving these people all of our attention.

In very related news…how does it feel to have your money go to more executive bonuses for failed companies…Yeah, that’s right…AIG all over again but with way more companies…These bailed out companies are giving out record bonuses.  SOME of them have paid back the money they borrowed from us…but its funny…the only reason they were able to do that was by lending less to people.  That’s funny…the only way you were saved is because these same people had to take on the financial burden to save your company and your repayment is to make is much harder for those same people to lend from you.  You pay back the money and its high-fives all around!  And then you have a money burning party.

We’re screwed….we give all of our media coverage to weather balloon hoaxes and reality stars…meanwhile a shaky and super expensive health care plan is trying to be pushed through and the big companies we just got done saving are looking for ways to get close to ruining us again.

God Bless America!  

Seriously…i love the country…but hate the inefficiency of this establishment.

So TV huh?

Yeah…i know the baseball playoffs are on…but i would rather watch NFL Preseason re-runs  or perhaps Ben Stein reading instruction manuals before i’d flip that shit on TV…

What is great though are all the shows on these days…there are SO many ways for me to justify not getting back into shape….Well…i would but its Wednesday and new south parks and the ultimate fighter are on.  Oh Thursday…just forget it…i’m not even gonna tell you an excuse…i might miss a second of the ten shows i have lined up.

I found out though…that although i get excited to watch the ultimate fighter (which so far this season has beat Leno in one episode and the MLB playoffs the last episode) it is WAY better watching live for the network.  Because when its recorded…guess what happens…that’s right…Fast Forward to the last 10 minutes and just watch the fight….the way i see it i just bypassed 50 minutes of a gayer real world and get to the part where two of them beat the piss out of each other.

Speaking of Fast Forward….how about Flash Forward.  Great fucking show….but someone on the radio today said its  ”Lost Lite” .  My problem with that….what has lost done in the 20 years its been on other than just give you more questions…how much has the ACTUAL STORYLINE from season 1 advanced….I’d say not much.  

I don’t know what it is…but i can’t fucking quit McDonalds…those golden arches look like two giant middle fingers to my brain…but for some reason my heart just keeps going back….Its kind of like a trailer park relationship….Get beat…swear you’ll never do it again…and before you know it you’re watching Roseanne repeats with a bag of frozen peas on your eye.  

Now i don’t want to make it seem like i go ALL the time…but its the fact that i don’t really like their food but i keep coming back.  And i also don’t like the way they run their business but i’ll get to that in a second.  I only go to McDonalds between 1am and 7am.  The breakfast is awesome…and its drunk food is awesome…and i’ve gotten to be a pro with ordering food through a drive-thru from a cab.

However…if you go at about 330 which isn’t out of the question for me…i believe that is when they switch over to breakfast…McDonalds don’t try to get high and mighty on me now and try to dictate what is that appropriate meal to eat…Last time i checked your breakfast menu had breakfast meats, and eggs, sandwiched between syrup injected pancakes. So really i don’t think its right of you to try and force meal choices on me.  Plus for the most part things are either just nuked or deep fried….I don’t think to myself…YES i got there right as the breakfast hours kicked in…now i’ll get the fresh shit…I’m just thinking…its gonna take forever because they are still lugging all that shit out of the freezer and getting everything ready.  Am i really throwing you in that much of a loop to ask for fried potatoes sliced into sticks Vs. sliced potatoes shaped like an oval and rectangle bastard child?  Because i’m pretty sure there isn’t a prep cook back there slicing away at potatoes going FUCK! now i gotta change all this shit up because of one order.  You already have the inventory there….just toss it in the fryer and give me my god damn chicken McNuggets….Stop ruining the american dream McDonalds!

You know what is sure to get me every year though…FUCKING MONOPOLY…..i always save the pieces like i give a shit..but sure enough a couple weeks later i forget about it…and i just see random properties floating across the room like tumbleweed.  But i can’t help it!  How can you combine a great american board game AND the great american homeless game known as the Lottery and NOT expect me to play…Fuck you McDonalds….(but let it be known that the Hashbrowns are the best value…they are like a buck and you get your two properties out of it…you’re welcome)

Me and JMU Mike had what we thought was a brilliant scheme in college.  We would order large waters and get the fucking properties…WIN!  However…one day we got a little too ballsy and every time afterwards our plan was ruined….Who would thought if you ordered 6 waters they would catch on.  So we looked in horror as the manager leaned over the drive thru worker and handed us our 6 waters…in water cups…without monopoly tickets….FOILED AGAIN!

Speaking of JMU Mike

Everytime i get a time estimate from JMU Mike i feel like i’m going down the rabbit hole….i gotta jump through all these hoops to get to where i’m supposed to be going and then i finally get there and nothing fucking makes sense anyways!  Replace invisible fucking cats, and mad hatters with these things….One hour visits…inexpicable exits….and head scratchers such as this scenario

Me:mike can you bring some beer?  

Mike: i only have a few

Me: well we bought the case we just need a few more in case we run out…

Mike: I’ll be down in a few

….time passes and mike shows up with a quarter handle of Whiskey and about a liter of old Giant Cola.

Mike i don’t have a problem with this…however you need to alert us to your snap judgements…or ATLEAST yell WILDCARD!  Its always sunny in philly style.

As for the other mike?

Pockets multiple times has tried to take credit for things listed on texts from last night…i thought he was so clever for saying that he’s not addicted to anything he’s just “habitually passionate”…..well that’s interesting because here is what texts from last night had to say

TFLM: I wouldn’t necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I’m habitually passionate.

For Shame Pockets!  FOR SHAME!

Wanna know how to feel emasculated?  Order a “Tic-Tac” at TGI Friday’s while your girlfriend is ordering a beer and then correct that waitress when the drinks are brought out…oh yeah…the beers not mine….the red bull orange vodka shooter?  ALL ME!  See i like red bull vodkas…so i thought….red bull vodka but with a less harsh taste…for $5?!?  Count me in!  However…i didn’t know it was going to arrive as a shooter and as my girlfriend sipped her star hilll wheat beer (a classy and knowledgeable choice) I’m stuck dropping a shot into my half filled glass of red bull like some sorority girl.

So i went to oktoberfest…and got to wear a silly bright green hat and freeze to death my last weekend off…this weekend…carving pumpkins and dressing up in medieval gear for the annual renaissance festival!

So i think i write a semi-humorous blog…however…it goes completely against my joke telling ability…See i can’t re-tell ANY jokes….not even my own…without them getting 200% less funny.  If i have not told the thought in my head to you within .5 seconds of it existing it immediately gets exponentially less funny per second.  I had a joke about Pockets not getting a blowjob….and it was awesome…in my head it was gonna wreck his world…by the time i tried to recount it BOTH of my roommates just stared at me…shook their heads and told me to “up my game”.  That’s disappointing….I’ve had some jokes that had some people rolling…try to retell it…and OTHER PEOPLE in the room are vouching for me….”no really…it was funny…Rudy just can’t fucking tell a joke to save his life”.  As far as my joke telling goes…i give you guys all the authority to pull the plug if need be…Witty comebacks…good…if i look like i’m thinking and more than 10 seconds go by…just remind me of this…

another disfunction

So i don’t know but i’m pretty sure my lack of understanding of accents goes directly against the fact that 10% of my employees speak english as a first language.  Now…..i can understand them..through sharades and broken spanish i can communicate things i need for them to do work wise….However….you throw me into a normal social situation and i’m going to ask them to repeat themselves about 10 times.  See, i don’t have bad hearing…just bad foreign hearing.  What sucks about that? the fact that you get two repeats to understand anything.  I’m sure you will all agree with me.  The first repeat can be due to language.   The second?  maybe it was volume problems or pronunciation…but the third?  The third you are now insulting them.  And i OFTEN need a third….you dare not ask a third What?  Huh? What did you say?  because at that point it is just an embarrassment for everyone.    So what i have to do…is in a panic as the nervous sweat starts and the heart starts racing and as i feel my face getting hot…which sucks because my bright red face is a give away to this whole thing…i must fucking try to guess what they are saying…or just give an answer that i might find acceptable.  Well….turns out this morning the lady was asking “what kind of rice do you like to eat” but it sounded like “wuhlicate” all in one word….it was so fast…that finally i pointed to the sushi she had already made that just so happened to be what i wanted…

Shit….im not even racist…but after that exchange i might consider it.

So i saw Zombieland at tyson’s yesterday.  That shit was great…funny as hell and has made me realize i need a Zombie killing weapon of choice…I’m gonna go with blunt object…i’m going baseball bat.  See…you can go projectiles…but you’ll eventually need reloads…and although it is a more satisfying kill….say good bye to your brains during the re-load….Swords…and sharp hand held objects…good luck…they will get stuck in your zombie victim…BASEBALL FUCKING BATS….crack skulls…with no re-load or time trying to dig it out of your enemy…

You’re welcome

….UF

Yeah, in case you didn’t hear the University of Florida came up with a Zombie Survival plan for fun and some people thought it was real and were outraged at their stupidity…which in turn has made some FL officials outraged at THIER stupidity.

So for those of you that don’t live by Tyson’s Corner Mall….there is a kid’s train that travels the upper section (food court, kids play area, movie theatre, TGI Friday’s)  and it just takes hap hazard routes all over the fucking place up there!  No telling where it is gonna turn next!  It doesn’t need rails…that’s going a little far…but what about a traffic lane…or atleast a suggested path for its movement.  Cuz i find myself doing the Squirrel maneuver whenever its coming through hopping from one side to the next and narrowly escaping a scuffed shoe incident….

This gave me the idea however….If i ever commited suicide it would be with the Tyson’s train.  Fuck that person that jumped from the 3rd story of Tysons II (galleria).  I will throw a note out and lay down in front of the train before it has time to thing….BAM  funniest and most traumatizing death ever….I die thinking its funny…and multiple families have to explain what happened to their kids…

Funnier situation….get a friend to wear a fake mustache…and as he is twisting the corner like fucking Wario…you’re wiggling around on the floor tied up in rope with a gag in your mouth as the train and the horrified screaming children are approaching.

YUP

Speaking of trains…when in the production of Thomas the Tank Engine the TV Show did they decide they needed street cred? Yeah…we are going for an audience of 5 and under…but we need to be more edgy…who can we get to play the conductor….well…George Carlin applied….”what?  the guy that cusses and says shit about god not existing?” ….yeah him!  ”well fuck…sign his ass up!”

…and why is the conductor role so coveted….see my brother used to watch this show….and George Carlin was this midget conductor that was the conductor of Shining Time Station…and played its Juke Box….but in the movie addition…Alec fucking Baldwin….

You are both way too good for that role..

I love Monday mornings because i live in DC….and the Redskins Suck…Girls…feeel free to stop reading here because the rest of the post is gonna be about sports….Girls that like sports…keep reading and submit a comment i’ll be sure not to read.

See the Redskins suck…and unline many other sports towns…Redskins fans are fucking Bi-polar.  At the start of EVERY season since i’ve lived in VA i hear….Redskins are going to the playoffs….at the very least…many others claim Super Bowl.   but….two weeks into the season…guess what…..OHHHH FUCK!…FIRE EVERYONE!  HERE WE COME FIRST DRAFT PICK….then two wins later…WE ARE SO TALENTED….JESUS!  I can’t take all that shit…

But i have the unique chance to be great friends with the world’s most pessimistic Redskins fan…See JMU Mike lives and dies with the Redskins…and lately he’s been dying alot.  Beacuse as soon as the Skins have their first 3 and out…that’s when the Cambell jersey is thrown on the ground and Mike is advising Dan Snyder to turn Fed Ex Field into a parking lot.  Its fucking great….to see the pain and anguish on mike’s face….I’ve fired people….i’ve fired people and seen them lead out in hand cuffs and seen LESS anguish on their faces then when i see JMU Mike falling to his knees cursing his beloved organization.  I feel like everytime Mike falls into the trap of watching a Skins game its like an alcoholic falling off the wagon….

Anyways…monday mornings are the best because that’s when i listen to the Junkies on the way home…and the whole day they talk like the apocalypse is coming…except for one guy that always claims the Skins are a playoff caliber talent….poor guy….just like the AA guy about to pick up his first year sobriety chip on his way to the bar…

Lets get with the picture….be a CAPS FAN!!!!

OVIE!  best hockey player on the planet…the stanley cup is within reach….so what you don’t give a shit about hockey…give a shit about the great fans…and the awesome trophy…

oh yeah…baseball playoffs are starting soon  YEAAAAAAHHHHH…only reason i’m excited is that baseball will finally be over soon.

that’s all the wisdom i can throw at you this week…well atleast until Ant takes his all white football team to the projects to learn valuable life lessons…

In case you didn’t realize…the special olympics visit Tyson’s Corner every weekend.  So if have never been and you want to expereince it…come on down!  Because its where we gather every special ed driver on a weekly basis.  Do wanna use your turn signal…Come to Tysons!  Don’t know you can turn right on red? Come to Tysons!  Love cutting people off only to then drive under the speed limit, swerve into adjoining lanes without checking your blind spot or multi-tasking way beyond your driving skill set?  you guessed it COME DOWN TO FUCKING TYSONS CORNER!  

Tyson’s Corner, where it takes half an hour to make what should be a five minute trip…Where dreams of a productive day are smashed under lanes and miles of bumper to bumper traffic.

So i think i have a theory. This theory and the rules that follow apply to what i’ve experienced in a majority but not all girls. Girls cheat through cuddling.  Girls have tried to have their cake and eat it to…Making out with gay guys and snuggling with guys that “know they are just friends”.  Hey, news flash ladies…. he doesn’t know you’re just friend.  Very few guys know that….what is more likely is that the guy has it burried in the back of his head that there might be a chance for you to suck on his Pee Pee some day and that maybe he is just building up points that he can eventually redeem.  And don’t play dumb ladies…you know its not completely innocent on your part, because according to studies men and women cheat differently (not gonna take the time to find the source..you’re just going to have to trust me on this one).  Women are more likely to see cheating as an emotional thing…where men might see having sex with another girl just that physical act women are more likely to assume there are emotions behind it too which tend to be what is more damaging.  So what is the cuddle time for then?  You want to do with this random guy what you boyfriend doesnt do and you want to feel comforted and protected and all that jazz.  Basically what i’m saying fellow dudes is this.  We can’t stand for this…this double standard.  A girl wouldn’t take the “she’s just a friend” excuse…or the “oh it doesn’t  count shes gay” excuse…so we shouldn’t either.  Could you imagine trying to tell your girlfriend that you made out or banged a girl but she was a lesbian so its all cool.  Yeah, exactly it feels wrong just reading that shit i bet…so women…You stop trying to pull that shit…stop trying to find loop holes…and who made you keepers of the relationship commandments anyways?

Other strange rules:

 ”I don’t want you to pay for everything”  Yeah you do. And to me that’s fine but just admit that you like it or want it.  Don’t believe me, try after paying for stuff regularly to suggest to split a bill or that she covers something and watch the look of shock and confusion creep into view.

“Treat me like an equal”  no you want to be treated better than an equal.  You want to have a job but be able to keep all of your money and spend it one what you want, but expect the guy to use his money to entertain you.  You want balance on the TV program selection…not ESPN all day (which i think would occur through the master of his domain rule stating of course that whatever house you are in the remote is automatically given to a dweller in that establishment first.  If you are allowed to control the remote you must at least give a look for approval to said person to make sure the channel you have selected is agreeable.  Its somewhere in the men by-laws i just can’t remember the paragraph number).  This treat me like an equal statement is funny because the same woman that says this will at one point be the same one that states “chivalry is dead”…well you can’t have it both ways.

“Act the same way around me you act around your friends”….ok here’s to more drinking, cussing, and overall offensive behavior, insensitive remarks and inappropriate comments at women on tv.  Is that what you REALLY want?

Yeah, that shit just happened.

In installement 2 of the nostaliga chronicles…we revist a show that remains dear to all of our hearts.  I am speaking of course of Supermarket Sweep.   

Lets start with the basics…I’ll break down the film.  Richard and Mark a power couple and power house team in this game show.  To me they represent a super team.  They seemed obviously fans of the penis, and i’ll explain why i think this gives them the edge (i rank a gay male couple as the best possible team, followed by  college aged lesbian couple, and then newly moved in together couple).  See the gay male couple much like the young lesbian couple i feel both have a high likely hood of grocery shopping together.  Not only will this help them with a melding of the minds, but will also make sure that both are well versed in grocery aisle set ups…along with the cock.  On top of that they have all the physical attributes needed to reign supreme in the supermarket sweep kingdom

I list lesbian couple second only because its like comparing the WNBA with the NBA.  Third comes the hetero couple that just moved in together.  This is simple, they are spending a lot of time together and things haven’t soured yet.  They each want to impress each other..neither one wants to be seen as a let down and therefore will do their best to succeed.  In contrast, you would have married for 30 years couple, where the man is a shell of his former self.  The woman barks orders as the man feverishly runs up and down the aisle moving back and forth over the same section…frantically trying to find the specially marked package or whatever food he has been sent to find.  His motivation? not the extra time on the clock for the big sweep…no not that at all…its just to get his wife to stop screaming at him so he can get his dignity back long enough to make a trip to the ABC store on the way home.

Now two things that every team needs….reach….and quick ham loading ability.  I’ll get to that soon.

So as you saw from the video, every episode starts with the staged scene where the crowd is all holding household products/groceries and the announcer “at random” picks three teams to play the game.  From there you have your normal cheesy intros of the team, but after that…now its time for a completely unique game show experience.  Everyteam starts off with 1:30 for the big sweep…however, with each question answered, mini-sweep challenge won…you watch that time grow.  Where by the end you might have as big as a 30 second head start over the other 2 teams.

And that leads to the best part of the show…i’m talking of course about the BIG MOTHERFUCKIN SWEEP!

Yup, they let you loose on the store, and this is where the gay couple again wins…because either person they send in are going to get the job done, where as the husband wife couple have to make that decision…you can have a winded wife that may be way better at the shopping aspect, but will  be quickly winded, or you send in the caveman…destroying everything is sight, and filling up many a cart full of non-sense. POP QUIZ!  where do you go first in your big sweep run?

That’s right…MEATS…sprint over to your meat section, load up on your maximum allotted amount of turkeys and hams…BAM! cart one taken care of….get within eye sight of the checkout lanes and send that cart sailing towards your teammate.  As the cart picks up more an more speed and you watch it hurdle towards  your teammate you have an Ivan Drago moment crossing your mind “If he dies he dies”.  On to the second cart!  Not much time to spare…soon you’ll lose your benefit of the head start.  Out of the corner of your eye??? Whats this??? A large inflatable Jolly Green Giant?!?  Its a bonus AND close to the registers (now here is the mind fuck…there are 3 of these…and the dilemma? Do you pick the largest one closest to the register which is probably worth the least, or keep going and hope you come across one of the small ones that may very well be worth the whole $300 but may not make it past the line when time expires)  you decided to take the gamble…shit money’s money right…you chuck that to your partner now back to your second cart.  Where are you headed next? that’s right the coffee section….You pop open a bag and with one hand hold the bag an grinding button (yeah, that’s not the smell of coffee…its the smell of another $100 added to your total).  This is where the reach comes in…if you do it right you can load another staple item in the supermarket sweep universe into your cart simultaneously…the jumbo cans of Folgers.  Now team 2 has started!  But its ok…you have quite the jump…a whole cart, inflatable bonus item AND bag of coffee has paved your way to victory.  The last thing you need to do is make sure you stop by the medicine aisle, small taking up limited cart space AND expensive…that’s a veteran move there…

Now this is how basically every sweep went…but remember no two sweeps are alike.  Do you have the blue light special bin in effect where you dig through for the correct canned food. Do you have the bag of aluminum cans to recycle….Do you go after the list of items the host Richard gives to you right before you take off?  So many choices…so many paths to victory…

The only bad thing about the show was that the big sweep was not the grand finale to this show…instead you had to wait while the team tried to solve three or four clues on the back of these index cards…if they found the product they reached behind it and grabbed the money.  Now, do you think in life…there is anything drenched more in failure than the people that solved the final clue but heard the buzzer go off as they reached for the money (then you’d always see them pleading with Richard about whether they got the money in time or not as the credits rolled).  And finally..every show was signed off in the same way…WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON SUPER..MARKET  SWEEEP!!! And then Richard had a very belittling conversation with the team if they were the losers…a very Trabekian moment if you will…but if they won…he’s hugging your girlfriend or the cutest guy in the gay couple.

So i call false advertising….because today i saw Jennifer  Megan’s Body and although the movie was WAY better than you’d think from the previews (funny, entertaining with some suspense thrown in)…it did not feature Megan Fox’s tits.  And to me that automatically docks it some points.  It wouldn’t have if there wasn’t a big internet buzz about it before hand…and if it wasn’t about hotness incarnate Megan Fox…Tell me its drew barrymore or any other woman from the charlie’s angels movie…and i’d wait till that shit came out on DVD.  But it was megan fox and boobs were promised…so i promised i’d be there opening day…I held up MY end of the bargain Ms. Fox, so i’m expecting an e-mail from you containing an appology and a piture of your rocking tits…because i know you’re busy i’ll give you till the end of the weekend.  Well, that being said…Megan does make out with a chick and look hot through the whole film and deliver some pretty funny one-liners…So suprisingly I would actually suggest seeing it.

Is anyone else in agreement that CBS is the worst network on TV…besides “How I Met Your Mother” there is nothing worth watching on that channel.  CBS has found ways to make HD look bad.  When football is on CBS it looks like they are filming the fucking games through a screen door.  It was like the owner of the station took a bet with a friend…”I bet you can’t make NFL football boring” ….Mother Fucking Deal….First step…no matter what awesome games are on…we are going to give you anything featuring the Ravens or two teams with absolutely no hopes of the playoffs.  Have you ever been at work and someone say…OH MAN! you missed a great game…it was on CBS…nope…Because they could have the Super Bowl on CBS and i’d just catch the highlights on ESPN the next day.  Besides their poor choice of games, and picture clarity…they follow it up with horrible on screen visuals…their set up couldn’t be more boring if they tried.  Then throw in announcers that should be doing radio for “the quiet storm…smoooth jazz” and you have your recipe for a mid-day nap.  

What makes it all worse is the fact that since we live by DC we have no choice but to watch the boring brand of play that is washington redskins football…on the good football station (Fox) I understand there is a huge fan base and you should be able to watch your team play.  But i think as long as Dan Snyder continues running his franchise into the ground we should get a reprieve.  No one wants to watch your offensive breakout (which  amounts to 17 points off of a bunch of 3-5 yard slants…and reverses to no where).  Even the good defense is boring…becaue the Redskins don’t force turnovers…so while they are one of the better defenses…all that means is you have your afternoon planned watching a bunch of 3 and outs.

So you ever think about growing up…like how no matter where you are currently at…down the road you are probably going to look back and say either…wow that was dumb…or i can’t believe that used to be a priority.  I mean its gotta be that way atleast until your 40s or so…Here’s what i mean.

I was gonna cover all of childhood in one go…but then this blog would be about 5000 words long…So in the next few blogs i’ll include atleast one topic in each about a stage of life..or earth rattling childhood event that most of us went through.

Riding the big boy bike  

You’ve now spent a couple years watching the bigger kids flying around on their bikes while you walk are take your lame ass trike around.  I think its probably what birds feel like when they see airplanes…or flightless birds when they see actual functioning birds.

First you see the first full-sized bike you have the opportunity to ride (mine was a red bike, it had this styrofoam wrap on the middle between the handlebars that said “renegade”…i thought i was the shit!) and you can’t wait to rip the training wheels off of that thing. So after some practice i was finally ready and my Uncle John helped push me down the sidewalk on the bike so i could get some speed going and i could take off on my own (oh and  by the way i was wearing NO padding…wearing pads? that is/was some pussy shit…cuts, scrapes, skinned knees taught you boundaries…give me padding? chances are i’m trying to take on cars).  A little wobbily at first…but you remember that first time you stabalized the bike?  You didn’t know how long you were going to last…you just knew it was incredible and you were going to try and take this moment in.  It has to be comparable to what the first astronauts felt like when their rocket was launching…but anyways hopefully a bunch of other kids are watching as you sail down the street so they can see how impressive you look.  Yeah that’s right you little training wheel fagmos Ima big kid now.  I feel like this next step had to happen to most kids…as soon as you make it a little ways without falling…its time to go as fast as possible.  And it was about that time as i’m flying down a straightaway down the sidewalk i realize i’m on a fucking crazy train to hurtsville.  I’m great in straight lines at this point…but i had no accounted for having to now turn at these new found high speeds…so sure enough…Bam!  Now weepy defeated Rudy has to walk his bike back to Grandmother and Grandad’s house skinned knee and all to get  fixed up.  And of course…the remedy included a brief scolding and some shit that stings to make the war wound better (you ever think its odd how Grandparents ALWAYS seem to have every chemical that could make a wound sting…available in their medicine cabinet at all times. I think that might actually be a requirement.  You find out you have a grandkid…first stop before the hospital…lets pick up some iodine, rubbing alcohol, and peroxide).  So anyways, after this traumatic event…you realize that there are some actual limitations…but don’t worry you’ll hone your skills…and one day find all sorts of new stupid shit to do on your bike.

Advanced Biking Skills:

Riding in the woods…and bike rides to stores.  You have made it to the age where your parents are tired of watching your every move and figure…eh…if they can’t make it to the store and back its probably for the best…they weren’t gonna go anywhere in life in general.  This is also the same time you form your little bike gang/clique (talking to Ant, he was the organizer of his.  ”Iunno…wanna ride bikes?” which was of course the response anytime you were asked what you wanted to do ) you go everywhere which is actually no where on your bikes.  Do you remember actually having an agenda on the bikes?  The most important trip i would make would be the the SHOPETTE which was a military base’s equivalent to a 7-11.  We’d go there to buy comics or X-men cards, and if we couldn’t afford it…we would just stash what we wanted to buy at a later date behind completely unrelated things (expesive comics behind Cosmo…stuff like that).  Other than that it was getting back and forth to friends houses. The worst moment on your bike though?  When something broke…it was devastating!  Shit, i gotta be home by dinner time every night…This is going to seriously limit my social range.  Little Johnny’s house is like a 15 minute bike ride…that’s gotta take atleast 5 hours to walk guess i’m not playing super nintendo for a while (everyone had the friend that had the super nintendo/sega combo..they were like gods).  You had all sorts of worries….will the bike gang forget me?  will we still be friends when i finally get the hog back?  It felt like being grounded. Because of course the couple weeks your parents made you go without your Harley that’s when friends want to go to all sorts of far away cool places.

But alas…this too passed.  The wonder and amazement of the bike eventually faded…and turned into a nerdy thing.  The thing that used to be so cool turned into an activity for losers or people with one ball.  You got older and you saw the opportunity of driving and you forgot your bike.  Your old friend sat, rusting in the corner. For years you don’t even think about it…but then came college and it made its resurgence….well for some..not for me….its not ” like learning to  ride a bike”  because i forgot how  to ride a bike and i tried to again in college and ended up kicking a midget in the head…and since them have turned im my bicycle license.