I am buying a fucking egg genie.

I don’t even know what this thing does.  If I had to guess…i’d say it allows you to grow baby chicks from everyday store bought eggs.  

But that’s not the reason to buy it…the reason is that you also get the Bacon Wake….nice play on words…i feel like pot heads everywhere will buy this the second they hear the name…as long as they get the energy to reach into their pocket for their phone.  It just basically lets you make bacon in the microwave.

Is there more…of corse there’s more you fucking moron.  The Magic Chop!  Its the same thing as the Slap Chop but it is significantly less able to defend you from prostitutes.

This product IS Eggsactly what i’m looking for!

So after starting speaking the praise of the egg genie i decided to watch this full commercial…the one i posted here doesn’t include the magic chop like the one on TV does.  I’m ok with the Egg Genie…but I like how they try to tell you a great feature is the loud blaring alarm telling you your eggs are ready.  ”Scare the shit out of your kids and family when they run for their lives when the eggs are ready.”  Then it just shows the dad shaking his head after he yelled fire and his whole family runs through the front door.  ”Now i can finally have my eggs!”  says dad and then it fades to black.  

Although this system is a bit annoying…wouldn’t it be great for couples trying to get pregnant….

“are you tired of the tricky rhythm method!?!?” (shows a couple fumbling over a calendar…and throwing it across the room)

“are you actually gay…a vagina disgusts you so you want to limit sex needed to have a child?”  (shows a gay guy poking at a vagina saying ICK!)

“is your partner awful at sex so you need the highest success rate possible?”  (girl yawning whilst banging)

WELL DO WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!

Eggs Ovary Easy!!!  Never miss the fertile period of the month with Eggs Ovary Easy!!!  (name would be trademarked with the exclamation marks). Eggs Ovary Easy!!! nestles comfortably in the vagina and gives you a gentle reminder when its time to fuck!  (then it shows the air raid siren sounding and the couple rushes up to the bedroom).  

Eggs Ovary Easy!!! extending the life of otherwised doomed relationships with the glorious gift of a child.

…Fucking pay me.

NEXT!

PETA is claiming that turkeys are tortured around thanksgiving.  I envision PETA members called to a meeting where they have elementary school artistic skills which they have used to render this house of horrors for turkeys.  Where they are put on “the rack” and have their feathers pulled one by one before being forced to pick which one of their turkey family members is the next to go…because we all know torture makes turkey taste better.

Yeah..fuck you PETA..I doubt Purdue sounds the alarm, and stops the assembly line because a turkey may have been about to be slaughtered before significant amounts of torture were endured..and then Will Purdue (not the owner of Purdue chicken…Will Purdue the ex-NBA player) dons his executioner hood and tortures the skipped turkey before resuming operations. Shut up PETA…I’m gonna donate a bunch of BOCA burgers to you fairies and it will be frozen Veal patties and you’ll all off yourselves after accidently ingesting them.

NEXT!

Obama just went over to China to talk about internet censorship but now Goggle has pulled a racist image of Michelle Obama off the internet?  Hmm…sounds a little hypocritical.  I think it would say a TON if he publicly rejected the fact that it had been pulled.  Though…it probably wouldn’t win much points with Segourney (those that follow my blog already know that Michelle Obama is black Sigourney Weaver)

NEXT!

Adam Lambert is a copy cat…He’s copied Janet and Justin,  as well as Brittney and Madonna by engaging in an act to solely create publicity…and guess what that shit worked again.  And now he’s copying Charles Barkley (His famous “I’m not a role model commercial”)?  ”I’m a performer…not a babysitter”  we’ll see..lets not get ahead of ourselves here…i give you about a year…and you will in fact be a babysitter.  Though, you might be a decent one…teaching young girls how to pull off the “smoky” makeup look.

NEXT!

fucking bed time…another long day at work…followed by lack of sleep…followed by long day at work….

But on a happier note….HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!

All aboard the Express train to Hatesville.

While you are all enjoying your pumpkin pie this week i’ll be sort of enjoying pie too…only difference is mine is a tasty little number called bowling ball pie and its headed repeatedly for my head.  

All i see are Facebook statuses “SHORT WEEK!”  ”Can’t wait for the early weekend to start”  ”Thanksgiving”  ”im better than you because i don’t work retail”…Ok maybe not the last one…but the other ones…and while your joy over the short week is justified…it sucks when i know i’m working until saturday.  And that my store is closed 3 days a year and closes early 4…and i’ll be working all but christmas day. So while all of you are getting drunk…or watching football…or spending time with your family…or some possibility i can’t even imagine because i haven’t experienced a family holiday in almost 4 years…..I’ll be chucking freight…and stocking shelves so on friday you can get up on your next fucking day off and participate in great holiday deals….that i wont even get a chance to partake in.  Its kind of a slap in the face to stock everything at these great prices and then be told you can’t buy any because you weren’t in line….”well yeah i wasn’t in line because i was fucking working”.  So i’ll get to deal with the Tyson’s Corner traffic on black friday…but even if i came straight from work i’d miss out on all the deals.

Enjoy your tryptophan fuckers…i’ll be sleeping during the day too…but it isn’t a great nap..its what i do because i work fucking overnight.

If one more person asks me what i’m doing for Thanksgiving i’m just gonna punch them in the face…Multiple reasons. 1) it reminds me i’m doing nothing…because i cant 2) i don’t want the pity….its just a fact that i’m not doing anything…. 3) i am tired of trying to come up with a decent way to spin it so its not too awkward while having this conversation with the person.

OK enough of this live journal sounding shit…end of that rant…on to other random topics..
 

So anyways…who the fuck cares about Adam Lambert….What the fuck is so shocking about a gay guy kissing a dude…i’m pretty sure that’s what they are supposed to do.  I just though…eh…damn he sure did over act the shit out of that brief dude make-out session.  What would have shocked me is if he made out with a chick…or was able to touch one of the female dancers in a way that DIDNT look completely unnatural.   I had never heard of this guy and as i was flipping through the channels i came across what looked like it was a ridiculous performance.  And boy it didn’t disappoint…the guy can’t sing first off…he just screams a bunch…makes out with dudes and prances across the stage.  The only reason people should have been shocked was at the fact that he actually was invited to perform at this show.

A bonus from all of this…i’ve been trying out Adam Lambert references whenever possible.  So like when Pox and Ant had a Mother/Son wine drinking night yesterday I said i needed to go ahead and put a rush order in for their Adam Lambert CDs

And when go with the flow complained about his ankle…i thought…one more  complaint and he’s getting floor seats to the next Adam Lambert concert….So i know that this is going to pass soon…so there is limited time to beat this dead horse of a topic.

Speaking of “beating a dead horse” that statement is never actually meant.  See whenever someone says “I don’t mean to beat a dead horse”  what they really mean is “i don’t mean to beat a dead horse…but i’m about to pummel the shit outta one”

I think women were made physically weak as a safety precaution…or like a fuse….or irons that automatically turn off when you leave them plugged in.  

See they can snap all they want but without getting through a waiting period for a gun only so much can be done. And this is because when women come into existence…the second they are in the womb the body recognizes….”wow this is an irrational potential human…better add some security measures”.  

Check out Them Crooked Vultures…best CD i’ve heard in a while…

I think the whole vampire phenom thing originally got started by a bet.  Seriously, how did vampires and werewolves make it into chick flicks.  I thought they were only for Halloween…now they are for Halloween and 13 year old girls.  But wait….its not just 13 year old girls…i know numerous amounts of girls and a certain large roommate of mine that have also fallen for this craze.  FUCK!  Its just another chick flick.  They bet, who can come up with a worst topic…and then who could make the most money.  One person wrote a screen play built for Lindsey Lohan where she falls in love with a girl and they are both junkies…then real life hit where she was in love with the strange chick DJ and the person had to throw out the idea entirely.  That left the second idea.  Girl falls in love with vampire and doesn’t know how to deal with this forbidden love and also manages to stumble on to an ancient war brewing…

Oh wait…this is also “Trueblood”  ”Underworld” and now the “Twilight” sagas.  They are all just pitched to different audiences…I believe one person is probably behind all of them…just raking in the cash.

Trueblood: Girl falls in love with vampire…finds out she has weird powers…blah blah blah…basically vampire story + Chick flick + a lot of sex… So the sex sets it apart

Underworld: Girl is part vampire…falls in love with werewolf….basically  Blade + love story + werewolves + Evanescence album….Focuses on action movie…adds some romance to get the girls in the seats too.

Twilight:  Girl falls in love with vampire?  Vampires + werewolves + chick flick….dumbs things down a bit to get a younger audience.

Fuck all these movies…and books.   

Thanks hollywood…vampires and werewolves have now turned into little whiney emo kids…just let us keep superheroes and zombies….please

Family Guy isn’t funny anymore.

Pockets originally brought this to my attention and after watching a few of the new episodes i have agreed.  My reasons?  While their asides and references were part of what made it funny…now there is even Less of a central plot of each episode…and now that ratings have been kind to them they just try to push more and more offensive things on us. The one that crossed the line for me?  

“That’s almost as bad as waking up to a Palestinian alarm clock”  Then you hear “Allah Akbar” and the house blows up.  Now normally this would just be a racist and unfunny joke…but seeing as though the shootings at Ft. Hood had just happened and the joke had NO BEARING on the actual plot of the episode…how necessary was it to keep it in…And this is coming from me…who is pretty much anti-censorship.  I’m just saying that its not only in bad taste…its arrogant and un-needed. 

I know these episodes are done in advance…but how hard would it have been to cut 15 seconds off of an episode…especially 15 seconds that had nothing to do with the rest of the episode.

Their characters are still funny…but they are coming up with less ways to tell the same jokes.  It used to be humorous to hint a Stewie being gay…but now they are just trying to see if they can shock people with what they can make a bi-curious baby say.  The other episode Stewie had water poured on his face while he was sleeping and he said “oh yeah, give it all to me Jake Gyllenhaal”.  Yeah, we get it…Stewie is supposed to be gay…but now its not even subtle.

I give Famly Guy two more seasons max…the viewership will fall off…again…and though i was originally a huge fan of the show…its going to get to the point where there are no episodes…just a series of 10 second flash backs and obscure references.

Fact: 3 out of every 19 hand turkeys are known to be offensive or lewd.  Found this out during fakesgiving.. see we had fake thanksgiving and required everyone to make hand turkeys (you know…where you trace your hand and make the thumb into a head).  And only one ended up with a set of balls…one showing off her tits…and one with a penis. I’d say that’s pretty decent.  What was great though…the build up of the turkeys.  Everyone started looking at the ones we already posted on the window…people were looking at other peoples…not only for ideas but to make sure they could one up them…or atleast ensure they could also be original…It was great seeing a bunch of people in their mid-20s stressing about how their fucking “HAND TURKEY” was going to turn out.  Also, i didn’t realize the hand turkey needed explanation but people kept on forgetting to connect where their palm would be….basically creating a bunch of disemboweled turkeys.

Remember Christmas Lists?

They day that first Toys ‘R Us catalogue that was the day as a kid you started losing your shit…Christmas was here..you thought…time to do work.  Thats when you’d go on a circling spree…though my parents eventually went for the alternate system…me and my brother would put together chrismas collages basically…we’t cut out what we wanted and it all had to fit on one sheet of paper.  Maybe that because the circling defeats the purpose when you’ve circled 5,000 items from Toys ‘R Us and the traditional list was just absurd when it started nearing 100.  My parents had to be thinking “these greedy little fuckers” and Dad specifically had to be losing hair over the fact that every additional item on the list was another potential thing my mom could buy for us…sinking money into a toy we’d be done with a few weeks after Christmas.  You remember the build up of getting your presents…only to find that toy you wanted SOOO much to be collecting dust a few weeks later.  

1 example of this:  Creepy Crawlers Oven (this was the oven where you could make little plastic bugs and animals with custom colors).  Was fun as shit for a week or two until you got tired of burning your finger tips accidently touching the metal tray or trying to pry your creations out too early.  I thought it was so fun for a while though…making all my wacky colored spiders and scorpions…but a few weeks later we just owned an unneeded fire hazard.

well that’s all i’ve got…

Just was thinking…what embodies my return to blogging after a brief hiatus better than a lil wayne quote…answer…nothing

So what’s the miracle in Miracle Whip? 

I’m gonna say its false hope…because anyone with miracle whip Always tries to pass it off like its the same thing as mayo…”Hey i’m getting ready to have a delicious leftover cold turkey sandwich do you have any mayo?”

Two responses from those miracle whip eating bastards:

1) “Yeah sure…here you go!” *Plunk*   As you look bewildered at your supposed friend that’s when they announce its the same thing.  Or that its better for you.  Its about that time if you’re on T-Mobile you consider eliminating them from the fav 5 status.

2) “No but i’ve got miracle whip…its basically the same”  As you attempt to keep your fists from balling up you think about where to take this to.  Should you tell him miracle whip is to mayo as Mustard is to Honey Mustard…or Spicy Brown mustard….If someone asked me for mustard i wouldn’t fucking hand them honey mustard and expect them to be happy…AT THE VERY LEAST…i would say…sorry…no mustard…but here’s what i DO have.  You see that? you don’t get your hopes up…but other doors of condiment options open to you…

Anyways, two things made me go off on this miracle whip rant…One…i was pulling miracle whip out of the stockroom and was just thinking about how many people this bottle had the potential to disappoint…

and Two…my grandparents…they always have miracle whip never mayo…But i always ask for mayo…and they always say yes…and since i don’t see them frequently i figure that they’ve finally switched over to the right side of the fight…only to find out that my sandwich has been ruined by this imposter

But speaking of the grandparents…I LOVE watching The Price Is Right with old people.  They get blown away at every bid and contest.  A car is up there to win and the grandparents try to play along with the contestant….”Oh that vehicle should cost no more than $2000″  and then when its revealed that the car is 20,000 you just glance over at grandma and watch as she scrambles to pick her heart up off the floor “well i never…”  and that launches into the “in my day a hooker cost a nickle and you could fly to europe for a forth pence” or some other monetary denomination that no longer exists.  In much the way that the wheel on Price As Right comforts the old people (since no matter what time you’re in…you’re always going to try for the dollar spot…inflation doesn’t exist on the big wheel…only hopefilled elderly citizens..military personnel…college kids and the impoverished.)  i feel that the brief return of the buffalo nickle must have felt the same way to them…Grandads got their fedoras back out and grandma started flashing some calf again like some sort of floozy.

I’ve decided everyone’s a nerd…just the bigger, faster, stronger ones got to classify themselves as jocks….I’m a nerd….and though i wouldn’t have ever considered myself a straight up jock…once upon a time i was in good shape…But i still loved my video games….because no matter what is going on…you aren’t thinking about shit while playing call of duty but saving the world…and vanquishing your virtual foes….and theater nerds get to act like they aren’t who they really are…and art nerds get to paint their feelings that they may not be able to express….or put into a painting what they can’t put into words…or just simple craft a world they wish they could be in…and book worms can immerse themselves into a world other than their own and let their imagination take control. Athletes get lost in the game, the competition, the sense of team you get from it all…but we’re all nerds in some way…its really just what people are either passionate about or what they use to escape.

And on that less shallow statement i’ll end this blog..

You remember games you used to play when you were kids?  I do…we played in “the fort”  see the fort was a giant honey suckle bush in the middle of our neighborhood.  What adds an extra layer to this game though was the fact that i lived on a military base.  So of  course even though we didn’t know what our fathers did…we knew ranks…and we thought that shit was cool…so we all had ranks for the fort.  And there were 3 brothers on the corner that were the highest ranking.  Nate of course was the highest rank…cuz he was 13 and that was fucking ancient.  He would play with us every now and then (this was through my 2nd and 3rd grade years)…and play in the fort with us….But the funny thing was…we thought he was doing us a favor..but in real life he was torturing us.  Dude could have done anything…he was 13 so he was a god.  So i remember specifically one way to try and get promoted was…He stood at the top of his hill and drove golf balls at us and his friend chucked footballs at us.  It was like hamburger mother fucking hill…well hamburger hill jr.  Me and my friends looking at each other with this sense of horror and greed.  As we dodged golf balls and got pelted in the face with footballs we were also kicking each others asses.  I got to the hill first but to my shock…Aaron that mother fucker (just so happened to be nate’s brother) he got the same rank as me!  

Now what you have to understand is how retarded this all is….I ran up a hill while Nate got out his dad golf clubs and took hacks at us….I’m not upset that i got pelted with various sports projectiles…i’m pissed because of the rank i got inside the honey suckle bush.  See this bush was gigantic.  It could fit about 10 of us inside the middle…because for whatever reason it was kind of hollow in the middle…we had chair and dug out benches and everything.  But it was a strict hierarchy….and no one could really join…well for the time being atleast.  When you saw someone that wasn’t part of the fort you either threw rocks at them or beat them up.  In fact once we found this annoying kid Bradley’s backpack…full of his toy guns and burnt the whole thing in the woods….starting a mini forest fire that i frantically stomped out with my bare feet.

See i guess playing “Fort” should have been playing anarchy…or Soviet Society.  But we kept going.  Eventually Nate and Aaron moved away and i was forced to leave the fort to someone else that was there.  I just remember my last day there as i handed him our broom…and told him all the rules…demanded he swept the floor (because nothing’s more important than making sure our dirt floor is clean)….and then left.  Thinking….its all over…can’t believe that kid’s in charge.

Other things from this period of my life…

Other games

The Creek: OH THE FUCKING CREEK!  Catching frogs, tadpoles, fish, newts, lizards and the illusive snake or turtle (who were like the gold fucking medals)

….and one time we found this bank of clay…and filled up buckets of it…we were soooo happy…guess who wasn’t so happy.  Dad…yeah Dad came out wondering how we were having suck a good time and then realized that we were having a ‘clay fight’ on the porch….the bricks…chairs…trash can…were all covered….Dad put an end to that game pretty quick…and shortly after i thought my dad was going to put an end to me…but rightly so..anyways…my tears started…i got a tongue lashing and was told to clean it up…still….i didn’t realize how much i had fucked things up until the next day when i saw how the splats of clay i missed basically turned into cement.  Seems like dad was justified…and probably wondering if his first born child was mildly retarded.

Then my mom got a doseage of my little retarded mind when i engadged in dirt fights on the play ground.  We would take a pack of our school paper and put loose dirt in a peice and then wind it up into a packet…then you would wing them at each other…and if you hit someone you watched the very satifying EXPLOSION of dirt when they got hit.  Big suprise…mom didn’t approve of this game as i came home literally covered from head to toe in dirt….and i had used up all my paper for school.  But me thinking i was sneaky would try to play dirt wars and just not get dirty…What little kid fucked up logic makes you think you’re not gonna get dirty playing dirt wars?  I still don’t know…but i threw on my MC Hammer multicolored pants and went to dirt wars round 2, 3, and 4 and every day i got home and didn’t get yelled at i felt like 00 fucking 7.  In reality my mom was probably just too tired to explain the stupidity of playing dirt wars and all the extra work i was causing her.

We caught bees in jars and then shook the jar up so they would fight each other and would bet on the winners.

I discovered mom can’t hear everything you say….and started cussing with a fury that could never be matched again.  I cuss a good amount now…but 3rd grade Rudy was on a fucking tear.  Every other word….though atleast i wasn’t the annoying kid that cussed and didn’t know how to know the words (“Oh yeah? Shut your bitch fuck” for example).  

When you played sports on base…it was awesome cuz very few people had fences…so you had HUGE fields to play on…however the gutters seemed to swallow every ball.  Nothing was worse than seeing your brand new ball bounce into the sewer drain….But…when we had heavy rains…JACKPOT…you’d hop on your bike and hit all the drains…by the end of the day you were like a 2nd grade version of a millionaire….”Yeah, thats a NERF ball….and it whistles”  

What was so great about riding bikes?  What you wanna do?  ”I dunno wanna ride bikes”  Me and Ant have both agreed that this was the greatest game/activity ever…but you never had an actual plan…you’d just ride around doing nothing…fucking great days.

One more….brilliant game my parents came up with.  ”Lets see who can pick up the most cigarette butts”  Me and my brother would be sent out to the yard with an empty coffee can each…and we got a nickle per butt.  You’d never seen two kids tear across a yard that fast…fucking thing was spotless….i was trying to count half cigarette butts as whole ones…picking up anything that resembled trash trying to pass it off as legit…the whole time thinking of the X-Men toy sitting on the rack at the mall about to be bought by a kid luckier than myself.

A game i didn’t play…”trucks” or “cars”  fuck those games…seriously…what do you do in those games…you just made car sounds and moved em back and forth over and over again.  Weak. 

I haven’t been scared this bad of new year’s since Y2K…you know why?  Because i’m figuring its my last year with hair.  I flipped the light on in the bathroom and what do i see?  It looked like the woods ouside my window….you know how a forest looks in the winter?  You see a shit load of trees but you can still see the houses or the road through it….same shit…i can see each individual hair and while there is still coverage…i that shits not gettin any buds when it gets warmer out.  So we play this same kind of game of roulette where i get my hair cut and we see what grows back…fuck!

What’s more annoying than talking to a drunk person when you’re sober?  Talking to a drunk person while you’re sober……..and at work.  Note to my friends: don’t call me on a friday night when you know i’m working and you’ve been at a bar for 5 hours.  Because not only is it annoying for you to be screaming nonsense into the phone over loud music and all the other happiness and bullshit in the backround…i have to try and get to a place…FAST…where my employees can’t find out that i hang out with a bunch of drunkards.

So more stories from my employees…The same hispanic lady that calls me Mister Sir Rudy (i feel like some sort of knight or some shit)….she also tells me the same story about her daughter all the time….Over….and Over…again.  See its a sad story…her daughter is handicapped…and she always tells me she needs more hours to support her.  Medical bills…schooling and otherwise….Buuut.  She tells me the same thing….in broken english…combined with my broken spanish.  My daughter is ehhhh…a retarded….ehh..she no think good….uummm she talk no funny but she need diaper she baby….(me yeah..uh huh…how is her school)….School is good classmate 3 daughter retard.  This broken slow story goes on…and on for about 10 minutes….and this only happens when i need to give her a ride home.  See she doesn’t have a car and sometimes while she’s wandering the store after she’s clocked out people forget to take her home and then its up to me.  Everything is fine it starts out with “oh mr sir rudy your very nice hahah”  and then we start driving and she just randomly starts into a story….”My daughter eh…etc”

That’s how i end 10-12 hour days….covered in dirt and trash residue….playing fucking spanish guess who language addition….and then getting stuck in traffic for an hour.

Hey did you hear that Kate from Jon and Kate wants to be in a movie some day….what a fucking cunt…goes on all day about how Jon is ruining everything and her kids are crushed but then decides that’s the time to tell everyone she thinks she should be in hollywood….Fuck you Kate….Guess what….fuck housewives of whatever fucking city….Look at Kate Housewive of everyday america….plan on being a housewife and don’t have any fall back plans or skills and wind up banking on hollywood for a job.

I have no problems with housewives by the way…i’d love to be able to make enough money to support my wife and family and have her be able to stay home and give more attention to the kids…but i’m not marrying no dumb no talent broad that can’t hold her own.  A trophy wife isn’t pointless i guess…but if you pick that same trophy wife to stay at home and raise your family good luck…you’ll end up with gold digger daughters and little boys that learn no actual skills…its basically a D-bag factory.

Hey guess what…the world series is 1-1….the way i see it is that i just saved about 7 hours of my life by not watching the games…cuz really its 0-0 in a 5 game series…that’s why i’ll only watch a world series game in about the 7th inning in an elimination game.  Its more exciting updating the score on your phone that watching a 15 minute hitless inning.

Our apartment is full of DJ fucking heroes.  That’s right…i didn’t think it was good enough to be proficient at one plastic instrument…needed to move on to a second…and one that looked more ridiculous to play….too bad DJ Overnight (lamest by far name) DJ Osama Spin Laden (Ant) and DJ Phat Pocketz (pockets…obviously)…don’t give a shit…we’re gonna wear those wheels of steel plastic out…and quick….So if you wanna hear mash ups…but want to get the live feel without the skill or perfection…head over to club 215…we the bessssssssst!

Just a short random blog….i’m all over the place…deal with it…

Eat your veggies!

This is It…Proper title for the “new” Michael Jackson movie…because this is it…this is the last possible moment that i will continue to tolerate MJ in the news these days.  I’m not saying he wasn’t a great performer…i’m just saying….the only time i should hear about him again is when he releases 20 more albums after his death like Pac…and only then it should be a Halloween tale (about the The Little Molester That Couldn’t Quit…its like the little engine that could…but instead of getting up a hill he keep raping children).  Jackson got his dues…he got every show on every channel singing his praises and tossing aside his ‘darker side’ to honor him for the musician and showman he was.  He got made for TV movies….he made his brothers a shit ton more of money by selling a lot more Jackson 5 CDs…he owned iTunes. But now?  Now….doesn’t it kind of feel cheap…Doesn’t it kind of feel like we are going to the colosseum.  Watch the last thing the guy did before he died?  I mean its cool you get to see Michael perform his practices for what was supposed to be his last concert…But wasn’t Michael Jackson always seen as a perfectionist for his live shows?  So don’t you think the last thing he’d want people to see are taped practices for his last big tour?  That’s a DVD extra not a movie.  And i think it does the Jackson family a disservice.  It also draaaaaags out this thing for another month or so.  

Jesus fucking buttfucking christ.  I was wrong about the swine flu….Everyone get scared….I’ll wait…

Scared yet?  Ok here’s why you should be….Remember when i said it would only kill babies and the elderly…people that are good at dying by their nature?

Wrong!  While babies are worthless and the elderly see walking without assistance as a significant accomplishment guess who are the other people affected….Yup!!  All of us 20 somethings….see our parents and other old people got shots for the initial swine flu so show some sort of resistance to this new swine flu…Guess who don’t…US.  Over 55% of people in the 20 something demographic are hospitalized by Swine Flu.  Also, remember a lot more people die of things like pneumonia a side effect sometimes from the flu than the actual flu itself….so numbers of swine flu related deaths could actually be higher.

Also, Brock Lesnar just cancelled his latest title defense with the UFC….oh i don’t care moan my readers…like fucking shit you don’t care. Brock Lesnar is the heavyweight champion of the UFC walks around at about 285 and was a multiple time collegiate wrestling champ…and guess why his fight is being cancelled….the flu.  Yup, didn’t say swine flu as of yet…but i don’t think the regular ol’ flu puts down a beast like that.  Also, he said its like nothing else that ever hit him….

So i guess what i’m sayin is….first 10 people to comment on this get 10% my shit when i die of swine flu.

Redskins fans…i don’t understand you.

How can a sea of fans be so upset that their over the hill…old…expensive…draft pick less team…has given them mediocre results….Be pissed when you watch the dumb singings and trades…be pissed when you draft the top DE but move him to LB….but stop fucking saying you’re going to the playoffs every year and then lose your shit when you don’t get to 10 wins.  Staring into the sun doesn’t make me a fucking astronomer…..and predicting 10 wins every year doesn’t make you a playoff team.  For fucks sake your owner is a dwarf….which is ironic because he owns amusement parks but can’t even ride his own roller coasters.  You botch the hiring of a head coach (jim zorn) then take away his play calling duties to give them to a dude that’s last important call was the winning square in bingo (Sherman Lewis).  You spend $100 million on a DT when your Defense was a top 10 defense but refuse to sign anyone to sure up your O-Line…OH KAY Skins fans….get with fucking reality…you weren’t a good team before pre-season….You’re not a good team now…You got about 3 years before you’ll be legit.  Oh and Jason Cambell…even when he isn’t getting sacked that just gives him enough time to make a bad throw…

Hate me DC….HATE ME….but try and prove me wrong.

Why the fuck do people listen to Lizards about car insurance…a Gecko told you you could save 15% on your car insurance….That’s cool…the US military said fuck your Gecko and its cheaper than Geiko.   USAA motherfuckers.  The only information i care about that comes from a gecko is if it could tell me how to climb up walls or lick my eyeballs when they’re itchy.

Ok…so first thing is first.  I am definitely not a woman…and further more i’m not even black.  However!  Tyler Perry has made a shit load of movies and money…and he seems like a strange dude…so if it works for him…why not me?

So remember that format…that is just to ensure more regular blogs….this blog is a mix of my life and randomness….

At this rate i’m going to be the most hated person at my job.  Cuz i had to Jim Zorn a mother fucker today.  See Dan Snyder took away his head coach’s play calling ability last week and that doesn’t seem to be working out to well for him.  Well today at work i had to take away an essential job function from an employee because he is not good at it.  And the thing is…this guy taught me a lot about my job…AND he’s got like 6 years of experience on me….so didn’t really feel too red hot…but oh well…we’ll see how that goes.

so you ever wonder how to land a sweet retail job like me?  Well here are some steps for you.

1) Major in something very broad and don’t be Ant.  See although Ant majored in Communications he had that whole being a living breathing superhero thing on his side.  I on the other hand majored in management…and guess what…i’m managing the fucking shit out of some shit.  Just so happens its overnight…i wear bleach stained pants to work because i don’t want to mess up good clothes and leave work covered in a fine coating of dust and sweat.

2) Stay AWAY from the library in college….If you ever saw me with a stack of books in the library…chances are i’m in an awesome game of spades.  (Note: i’m no dummy…though i may have fooled you through my butchering of the english language and ranting about unimportant shit…i still did pretty well for myself in the grade department)

3) Assume you’ll think of your dream job and achieve landing it sometime while you’re in college.  Then wait…

4) Have a lot of patience and the ability to open boxes quickly…

There you go!

So baby wipes aren’t just for babies any more…and neither is fucking baby powder!  Time to take the power back from the babies…Do your ass and balls a favor and invest…and feel like a king when you leave the bathroom….Or atleast “Shower fresh”….that’s fucking tagline for the Cottonelle wipes. Classic.  ”Your butt’ll be strikingly clean” was their first choice but it didn’t test well with the focus groups.  

Seriously though, we spend time picking up dog shit and doing everything for worthless babies.   Fucking grow up already babies.  Here are the things i’m going to train my baby to do.

First words/Conversation: Learn the ability to say “Oh sorry dad, i apologize for being a stupid fucking baby again…i’ll learn to shit in the toilet like a human and thus separate myself from the animals”.  Its a mouthful i know…but also completely necessary.

Next: “Right away dad”

Next: Powder own ass…or find a way to not wear a diaper.  Because contrary to all you baby’s stupid thoughts….there’s nothing convenient about carrying your shit with you every where you go.

I lost my voice last night

Whenever i lose my voice i feel like i could go up to a deaf or blind person and be like “I know right!?!”   Or at the very least give a head nod…though it might not be as impactful for the blind guy.

Hey Thursday Night TV!  I guess you never got caught bringing programming to school….Cuz you’re hogging it all…and i think its about time you share with the rest of the class.  Seriously my DVR gets a workout every thursday….We almost need a second TV in the living room just so we don’t have to miss anything.  The DVR makes you make unnecessary decisions…like its trying to teach americans to be less greedy.  Yeah, you can tape and even pause live TV go ahead and try!  Oh you wanna tape three shows…SHAME ON YOU…decide which one dies….

I wonder how many writers are cussing at their TV when they realize their show is never going to make it when their show ends up on their own DVR chopping block….Ohhhh I just picked a show about internet clips over my own tv show…shit looks like no golden globe this year…

So i’m trying to change the format of my blog….to ensure more regular posts you will get one post based on current events…one based on random thoughts…and one based on current events in my life…

This one…random thoughts.

I have no clue why bar furniture is so high and uncomfortable.  You would think they would want to make it comfortable…keep the drunk people comfortable and spending money…though i do see the downside of drunk people passing out in their awesome bar couches.  But still that does not excuse bar stools.  They are about 4ft high.  You perch yourself on them and try to find the balancing act immediately.  And for people like me (over 6 ft).  You have the dilemma.  Sit on the edge of the seat and try to lay your feet on the ground?  you do this and the chances are that your ass is going to be sore.  The other idea….try to find some way to hook your feet around the bar on the bottom of the stool.  And that sucks too….your knees, feet, or back ultimately hurt.  Fuck bar stools…..the only time they are ok is if you have the necessary bar on the table…you know the one i’m talking about.  The bar that if its there it puts you at ease…but if its not its gonna be a long night.  HEY THERE! I love you! You kick your feet out and the comfortably rest on the table giving you a great base….you now will have a comfortable seat and have a very low risk of a drunken spill to the floor.

Have you noticed how awkward it is to try and scootch your bar stool forward while sitting on it.  It like how tight rope walkers probably feel….As you try and slide it against the floor you feel it sort of teeter.  You need ninja like precision to make sure you get it in place without making yourself look like an ass.  I feel like when i’m getting ready to change position i should just motion to the waitress for one of those balance bars they normally use with tight rope walking.

Anyways, even if you get passed the uncomfortable fact that bars are not willing to give you a back to your chair or a place to rest your feet…how about this?

Why do they perch all the drunk people an extra foot or so higher from the ground than their normal patrons.  This makes no sense other than to entertain other customers and the waiting staff.  You take your people with the least coordination and you put them in the most dangerous position in your establishment.  What if i’m just plain clumsy (which i am) and with my long legs [they go on for miles ;0) ] i get one hooked into the stool and fall on my way to the bar?  What if i am severly fucked up and am trying to perch back on my stool and since i’m given a very small area to sit on and balance…i fall back.  Game over.

…whatever…just a thought though….get all your diners spending less money into the uncomfortable spaces…and give us fun loving money spending young folks the cushy booths.

…So you guys remember double dare?  You remember when you had the choice to take a physical challenge?

What happens when your kid has too much confidence in your familys athletic abilities…or atleast slime transporting abilities. cuz lets face it about half the challenges dealt with how much slime your could balance on your head and move across a wet floor…..the only other ones dealt with head-eye coordination…one kid throws something awful and you have to catch it in the beaker attached to your head and transport it to the waiting other family member to offload it into some sort of measurement container.

Anyways….i think it would be funny seeing the kids over and over yelling “Physical Challenge!” and then you look over to the parents that are like “fuck how does he not know we are the least physically gifted…least coordinated family to be welcomed onto the shit show”.  So they have to trot out againt to embarass dad as he slips on the wet floor concussing himself while the son thows random objects at his head with his patented limp wristed throwing style.  

Also with double dare…you remember all the obstacles on the final challenge?  My favorite…the hamster wheel when you had to run up the wheel to get the arm to drop…i also liked that pool thing you could jump over and the fire pole.

Hard ones?  Don’t get caught with 10 seconds to spare and the nose to go through…you know what i’m talking about…its the nose you had to dig through to find the flag….looks like your not getting your trip to a club med property…and tell johnny to stop practicing his casio keyboard in his head…cuz that shit isn’t happening.

So can we stop feeding these media whores already?  They are just screeching with their mouths outstretched waiting for all of us to feed them….and we can’t help it…we feed them…over and over again…

I’m speaking mainly about “Jon and Kate” and the “balloon boy” and his parents.

Jon and Kate:

Every week i see another magazine headline…detailing Jon’s dating life or some sob story headline about Kate…She’s talking about how all of this is ruining the kids….Newsflash…that’s what divorces do…I mean the fact that you signed on to have your kids video taped for a few years…yeah i’m sure they are fine from that…its all the divorce that is screwing them up.  Fuck you Kate.  You’re a fucking wench to your husband…so he left you.   You tried to be all controlling and both of you got wrapped up in the celebrity of it all…so have fun now…you’ve gotten what you deserve.  The kids though, sucks for them….They didn’t ask mom and dad to get artificially inseminated (which ups the chance of twins or higher astronomically)…and that would be hard enough being one of the sextuplets….but then throw in that you have twins for other brothers and sisters bringing the total to 8…you have a dad with a crushes spirit and a succubus for a mom…ok now we are reaching the danger zone…Oh but wait, lets throw em on TV.  Lets wait for mom and dad to get high off of celebrity and cheat on each other and have the whole divorce public.  Great call…The way i see it they need to start being adopted out because you’ve already seriously fucked these little kids up.  TLC may have got the jump on “Jon and Kate plus 8″ but what about E!….They will eventually get 10 true hollywood stories out of this deal.  Yeah, TLC you may have cashed in now…but E! is letting that shit simmer for a bit….just letting it sit in the bank building up more and more…until they cash out…CHA-CHING!  

That’s when Aiden or whatever the softheaded one with glasses’ name is reveals his struggles with heroin and his failing rock career.  

The older twin sisters are in porn and one dies of aids.  The other kids all share a one bedroom apartment and work as a cleaning service but have all written scripts for their variety show and are just waiting for their big break.  

Kate gets killed by the body guard and Jon has a coke problem…and is dating younger girls that he thinks are attractive just because they are young…but look like the girls that spend 20hrs a day in the tanning bed.  He at this point will have very little hair but will still be trying to spike it…will have a d-bag soul patch and always wear mirrored oakleys. 

Balloon kid:

I’m SO glad i missed all the live news coverage when everyone thought this kid was in a weather balloon.  That shit wasn’t believable during Roswell and its still a lame excuse when using it for lost kids.  Apparently the dad has tried multiple things to try to get publicity…and this final stunt was used to launch a potential reality TV show….Well we are playing right into it…with all of these daily articles.  

So first of all the kid’s name is Falcon….strike one.  Strike two?  The parents were already on an episode of wife swap…..Strike 3?  The dad’s horrible acting…whenever in a bind he would just say “i’m so glad we found you!” followed by quickly grabbing his sons head and kissing it…to not only try to show how much he loves his son…but to shut him up.  

Where i do have to give them credit…Its pretty ballsy to come up with a weather balloon as an excuse…because seriously…how dumb of a country are we when we belive that…this ‘normal family’ just has weather balloons laying around….and that his son somehow crawled into it and they had no way of stopping it before they released it.  And how would you not tear your house apart while reporting your son is supposedly in the balloon….Also, how could it not be a hoax…the kid is small as shit…wouldn’t he have to get some assistance to get up to where he was hiding…or leave some evidence of stuff he used to climb up there?

What’s funny about the situation though: that there isn’t really much they can get charged with….they are saying the most the can be charged with as of now is a class 2 misdemeanor.  And really the family got what they wanted…because even if they don’t get a reality show…they still got their moment in the spotlight.  SNL, days of news stories, and interviews.  So we are all the suckers…and we’ve all been watching reality shows and viral videos for years now…so why are we gonna try and get all mad now?  Yep..we’re dumb and we can’t get enough of trying to immerse ourselves in other people’s lives to take the focus off of our own….So guess what…lets just laugh with them…don’t be outraged…you’ve been had….Laugh it off and watch some My Antionio or something.

In closing…i guess i’ve been had to….because even though i was late on the balloon boy story and don’t follow the Jon and Kate show….Here i am…bloggin about it…shit…lets get some real news headlines so we can stop giving these people all of our attention.

In very related news…how does it feel to have your money go to more executive bonuses for failed companies…Yeah, that’s right…AIG all over again but with way more companies…These bailed out companies are giving out record bonuses.  SOME of them have paid back the money they borrowed from us…but its funny…the only reason they were able to do that was by lending less to people.  That’s funny…the only way you were saved is because these same people had to take on the financial burden to save your company and your repayment is to make is much harder for those same people to lend from you.  You pay back the money and its high-fives all around!  And then you have a money burning party.

We’re screwed….we give all of our media coverage to weather balloon hoaxes and reality stars…meanwhile a shaky and super expensive health care plan is trying to be pushed through and the big companies we just got done saving are looking for ways to get close to ruining us again.

God Bless America!  

Seriously…i love the country…but hate the inefficiency of this establishment.