Can we all agree that Spring no longer exists?
There are now 3 seasons. Spring no longer exists. I don’t know about the rest of the world, but in Virginia spring is a joke. It sucks too because spring is my favorite season. You have nice cool days 60-80 degrees watch some thunderstorms….but nope! Not anymore. It just goes from Long Fall to Super Winter to Sweat your balls off. There is no in between. It went from flurries one week to hitting 80 the next. Now, for the last two weeks it has been 90 or higher everyday it seems like. I don’t think anyone has a good time over 90 degrees. That’s why if you are having a mid-day cookout there HAS to be alcohol so atleast you can fool your body into thinking good times are occurring. Or a pool…pools always make things better.
A lot of people would take this weather patter, the crazy tornadoes…super hot summers, shit ton of snow in the winter, they would put all of this together and then declare GLOBAL WARMING!
I only have one real way to refute global warming other than one simple argument. As far as I’m aware, the dinosaurs didn’t drive SUVVs (I hope that’s a name of a real defense to global warming idea). For one, a T-Rex’s tiny arms would prevent him the ability to drive an Escalade. Plus, if he drove any car it would be a Miata. But when you look at it…Dinosaurs lived in the natural world with no technology but when you look at some of the temperature changes through the history of the world before humans there have been HUGE swings before we ever set foot on the planet. But now, since we are such an arrogant species, we assume we are to blame for any changes that are occurring. Remember the Ice Age? That shit didn’t happen because animals weren’t using long-life light bulbs. It wasn’t all tire fires and big rigs with the cavemen. But now after Al Gore and his awesome book/documentary it was the cool thing to do to jump on board the Global Warming bandwagon. This is the same guy that people make fun of for saying he created the internet, but now all his science is sound? So yeah, in conclusion….Dinosaurs didn’t drive SUVs and their weather still sucked.
In another life.
I hate when people use that term. “In another life I would have been a dancer” Well in this life you’re 400lbs and need your reachin’ stick to get to the remote. “in another life” is like a safer way to bitch about what hasn’t worked out in life. If you’re going to complain just do it, don’t try to hide behind a statement like that. Everyone has regrets and what they could have been, but it gets infuriating when the ability, and resources are still there to make things happen but its just assumed that their time has past. “In another life” should actually be, “I don’t want to put the work in to….”
So changing gears again. So i was thinking about how movie reviewers have still been talking about just how formulaic and repetitive “The Hangover II” was. Thing is, one of the best trilogies in film history was just as formulaic. And i am of course talking about the “Mighty Ducks” franchise. Team’s down and out, evil team is very good, team finds out it has character issues, learning happens, new player probably brought in, Ducks win, bad team learns the evil of their ways, everyone’s happy. When you saw a Mighty Ducks movie, you knew exactly what to expect, and you saw it anyways.
Well you knew what to expect, unless you are of course talking about the “cake eater” line in Mighty Ducks (the original). Who has EVER been called a cake eater. You know how long it took me to figure out what he was insulting him about. Have you EVER called a rich kid a cake eater unless it is in an ironic manner referring to the movie? How long did that gem sit on the drawing board before they finally just said, “fuck it, its a kid’s movie about hockey, no one will see it anyways”.
One problem about the sequel D2 though, the knucklepuck, and its crew
1. A puck flipping end over end looks bigger and is easier to stop.
2. Did i miss the early 90s street hockey boom in popularity with minorities? Seriously, they make it seem like in California, you walk on any tennis court and you’ll find a group of black kids that not only play hockey, but can easily beat the US national team?
3. The Mighty Ducks franchise continually ignored the rules of hockey. Keenan, just because you take your mask off as the surprise goalie, doesn’t mean you can skate past the red line with the puck. However, as a goalie, you’re allowed to shoot the puck whenever you want, so the whole mask taking off dramatics…completely unnecessary. This blunder has haunted him his whole career i’m sure. Not to mention the fact that play would be blown dead as soon as he took his mask off.
4. How do you pitch that one to the coach. Coach, we were playing full contact street hockey on our off time and got beat by a team of roller hockey players. They’ve never ice skated before, but the short fat kid has a crazy shot…can we put him on the team? Coach Emilio Estevez thinks “sure, i already recruited one homeless kid in an alley because he could hit a suitcase with a slapshot, why not?”.
Emilio Estevez is a whole issue to deal with. Guy gets a DUI, so they think you know what would be perfect? Have him coach a kids team. Oh and you know that team he used to play on that haunts his memories yeah, he’ll be coaching against him. Also, Emilio must have had the easiest upbringing in the world if at 30 something his biggest haunting memory was not scoring a goal on a penalty shot when he was 5. What the fuck, tell the story to try and bang Charlie “spazzway” Conway’s mom, but leave it at that. And it took the wisdom of a 12 year old to break him out of the slum “an inch to the right…you miss the net completely” well there goes the 1000s of dollars of therapy you spent trying to get to that breakthrough, all it took was a troubled youth and breakfast to get past it. He shows up to coach youth hockey games in a suit, he flys off the handle at every opportunity at these poor kids, but they all come from such shit families that they are used to it and the parents seem to not give a damn.
Emilio had great lawyers, no jail time for my client. He’s got alcohol problems, daddy issues, and is constantly in a very shaky mental state. The best course of action is a youth hockey team. Done and Done.
so yeah, its hot outside, dinosaurs can’t drive cars, in another life…. Mighty ducks was awesome because it was horrible.
