Why Winnie the Pooh Is F’ed Up

March 21, 2010 at 7:14 am (Uncategorized) (angry, bloodsport, books, Cartoons, childhood, funny, g.i. joe, george carlin, humor, humorous, random, rant, Sarcasm, Sarcastic, Thomas the Tank Engine, TV, winnie the pooh)

So before I get into Winnie the Pooh.

Fucking Thomas The Tank Engine man…

I’m betting that 90% of kids that get run over by trains is a direct result of this show.

Kids are idiots…we all know that.  You can convince them that a fat man fits down the chimney and delivers presents to you for no real reason…You can convince them that a fairy loves teeth and has access to american currency and that the market for teeth has been stable for years (at least in my household…a dollar a pop)….A bunny hops around and somehow carries a basket of chocolate to hide around the house…when all evidence points to the fact that… A) Bunnies are rarely seen with chocoalte.   B) They don’t care about people  C) they can’t pick anything up  D) How the fuck does a bunny know how to hide something from you.

So what i’m getting at is that kids will believe anything.  So why make trains look so inviting to talk to?  Slap a big ‘ol smiling creepy face on the front of it…and next thing you know your little kid is going to start wandering in front of train tracks when you’re not looking asking “Thomas” why he looks so grumpy.

I can let you know this much…its a short conversation..

Dumb Kid: “Thomas why wont you talk to me”

The Train: WHAAAAAAMP WHAAAAMP….

*SMACK*

Sorry kid…the real shining time station scenario involves a closed casket and a lot of crying…not even the ghost of George Carlin is going to bail you out of this one

(why did they choose George Carlin anyways…did they really think “shining time station” needed some edge to it?)

So on to Winnie the Pooh.  What a fucked up cast of characters…

Here’s profile of each character…

Are they laughing while sitting in shit? Why the umbrella...you're already in shit. See what i mean...crazy.

Christopher Robin: Not technically the main character (obviously…otherwise the show and books would be Christopher Robin and his imaginary posse of fucked upedness) but plays an essential role since he made up everything.Drug of Choice: Acid (has to be tripping to think his stuffed animals are all alive and his friends)

Prognosis: Bat shit fucking crazy.  How fucked in the head do you have to be to come up with a whole cast of imaginary friends.  I’ve heard of kids having imaginary friends….but a whole fucking imaginary social structure/society.  Yeah, i don’t think so.  Looks like someone missed a few sessions of catch with Dad.  Or maybe dad was too busy drinking and slapping around Mom to do much of anything so he had to craft this alternate reality full of all these oddly flawed characters.

Any doubt he's fucking retarded now?

Pooh:  Main character, forgetful, constantly on a quest for more honey, enjoys pissing of Rabbit

Drug of Choice: OBVIOUSLY weed.  (who other than a stoner would go on a non stop everyday quest to gorge themselves on honey…such a random food to be obssessed with.  Pizza Bites?  Gummy Bears?  Chips?  all valid…Honey? Who the fuck are you?)

Flaw: Massive Retardation. He can’t remember shit for shit.  He doesn’t know that he can’t sustain himself just off of honey alone.  He says the word “bother” alot.  He speaks soft and slow.  He kind of makes up his own words. Oh, also, he’s fucking Canadian.

...what an asshole.

Tigger: Strong supporting character, kind of a jackass, assume he’s popular with the ladies…in a d-bag kind of way.

Drug: Meth (no one has that much jittery energy naturally)

Flaw: Mega Tool.  Doubleguh isn’t a fucking letter. You can’t just go creating new letters in the alphabet.  This isn’t fucking spanish (i still don’t know how ‘ch’ ‘rr’ and ‘ll’ are separate words…or how ‘h’ is one when you never pronounce it…its like a ghost word).  Tigger, news flash Double-you  yes a letter.  Double-guh  is not.  Your name is spelled T-I-G-G-E-R  not T-I-GG-E-R.  He talks quickly…doesn’t make much sense which goes with the mushmouth pooh.  He hops on his tail bouncing all over the place like some reckless jackass.  His only “real friend” is Pooh.  Who is too riddled with retardation to voice how much he despises him.  And i don’t know if you looked closely at the picture…but Tigger is punching Pooh (a retard) and caused him to piss himself…..Dick

Don't count on him to have your back in a fight. Do count on him having to run home to clean out his vagina.

Piglet: Friend of Pooh because he’s too much of a pansy to say no.  Generally a huge pussy.

Drug: PCP (brings out the monster in Piglet.  Can’t get enough of the power)

Flaw: Coward.  He’s all fucking shy and shit.  Always scared. Hairless.  In short. A whiney little bitch.  You really want to teach you kids to be friends with this spineless piece of shit?

…what? not much else to write…he’s not worth knowing

You’re not gonna breed a champion if you teach your kids this is acceptable

What a fucking bitch. Just another day in the life of rabbit...stomping on people's flowers, and feelings...and dreams

Rabbit: World class nag, bitch, and overall bad person.  Makes poor retard Pooh feel bad about asking for food when he’s obviously too retarded to fetch it for himself.  Great at making people feel guilty.

Drug of Choice:  Coke.  Not like the happy time to party coke.  Like the i’m shooting coke because nothing else makes me feel happy in this hollow shell of a body.

Flaw: What a fucking bitch.  (as stated earlier).  Can’t feel happy so gets her jollies off by fucking with everyone.  Bully, refuses to leave the group of “friends” and no one wants to put up with all the shit that would come out of telling her not to hang out anymore.

There goes Eeyore, dragging his sack of sorrys around all day, because he's too much of a coward to end it all.

Eeyore: Sad, sad donkey.  Just always moping and complaining

Drug: Heroin.  Has to escape somehow…there’s no coming back…Eeyore strung out and is only happy when he’s high.  You never see his house…cuz he lost it…to buy more smack.  He feels its ironic that he’s a donkey and ‘rides the white horse’.  Just spends his days waking up in vomit and finding his next score.

Flaw: Depression/Negative Nancy.  Jesus, i have never seen a sadder character.  Fucking tail falls off…he’s litteraly falling apart and has to let EVERYONE know about it.  A storm cloud follows him wherever he goes…also litteraly.  He’s the buzzkill.  If they cured cancer he would talk about how other viruses are becoming resistant to treatment…oh and then there’s AIDS!  Fucking thanks Eeyore.

I know there are other ones…the classic tag along…ROO that lacks all originality and is the definition of a follower.

Your classic know-it-all Owl.

But i’ve already written 1000 words on winnie the fucking pooh.  I think its time to give it a rest.

Basically, seems like this show is more of a warning to kids on what type of people they should avoid.

Fuck winnie the pooh.  Show your kids G.I Joe and the Bloodsport movies all day….that’s how champions are bred.