Guy Fieri…..D-Bag Extraordinaire

March 15, 2010 at 11:18 am (Uncategorized) (a minute to win it, boondock saints, boondock saints 2: all saints day, current events, Food, funny, guy fieri, humor, march madness, Movies, NCAA Tourney, radom, rant, Sarcasm, TGI Friday's, TV)

So guess what show is fucking amazing…

A MINTUE TO WIN IT!

Shit is awesome.  I’ve never been put on the edge of my seat…hoping that this random girl blew a bubble through a hoop before the timer ran out.  Yup…that shit actually happened.

Funny thing is we paid her…we paid her a lot of money to do this…among other things of course (like stacking apples…blowing cups off a table with an inflated balloon, and hitting cups off of stands with a yo-yo tied to her waist.).  Only in america can we pay someone $50,000 to do these things under a minute.

But the thing is…that shit is entertaining…

Only problem…This guy is hosting it…

..Really!?!

That’s right everyone…meet your host….D-bag extraordinaire…Guy Fieri. How big of a tool do i think this guy is?  I’m pretty sure after “Home Improvement” was cancelled, Guy Fieri took over the hosting duties of “tool time”.  Why might you ask?  Are you fucking kidding me? I might ask in return.

Step one: Grow the weird dangly goatee that hangs down the middle of your chin

Step Two: Decide that’s not Douchey enough…dye it a different…brighter color (you may not get a good look at this in the picture…but just watch “a minute to win it” and you’ll see what i’m talking about)

Step Three: Talk WAAAAAY too loud.  Just because you scream it, doesn’t mean it just got radically more important.

Step Four: Bleach your hair….  You’re a dude…unacceptable.

Step five: Make sure your roots are showing.  Make it try to seem like the bleaching was just an accident while you were partying with your “bros”

Step 6: wear Arm/wristbands  ALL THE TIME.  In this picture he took it easy with only one.  But i’ve seen him with more.  Are you really expecting to get in that strenuous of a situation where you think… “hey better slap these babies on…its gonna get crazy and i need my hands both dry and at their peak performance”

Step 7:  Wear your sunglasses backwards like a dummy.  Again you can’t see this in the picture.  But if you watch his travel channel channel.  Its his fucking go to.  As soon as he gets in to a place…he doesn’t put them on the top of his head….hanging out of the front of his shirt…folded up and placed in his pocket…..placed on the bill of his hat….NOPE turns them around and rests them on his ears in a backwards…dumbshit manner.  come on!!!!

Step 8: his name is GUY not Geeh  (that’s my attempt at trying to get you to pronounce it phonetically)

Step 9: Wear bowling shirts.  Only reason you can wear bowling shirts.  a) you’re in a bowling league.  b) you are too old to know better c) you are charlie sheen and star on Two and a Half Men and are too busy beating women and laying hookers to know the difference d) you are semi-or 3/4 retarded  e) you are a d-bag

step 10:  Get random unoriginal tattoos.  He combines a few….He gets a cross…on his arm…but to add to it…he says…YUP lets go Celtic

So those are 10 steps to confirm that Guy Fieri is the biggest D-Bag on TV

Speaking of TV though.  How the hell does the Sci-Fi channel stay on air?

The other day “Dinoshark” was listed to play….FOR 3 HOURS.  A Non-Fiction documentary on an actual “dinoshark” couldn’t last 3 hours.  How can a LOW…LOOOOOW budget horror movie about a “dinoshark” last that long.

Well i don’t wanna spoil it for you…but basically a part of a glacier breaks off…and it has ancient dinoshark stuff in it…eventually the dinoshark grows out of this and is destined to maul people via brief horrible CGI scenes for as long as he can live.

You know what movie might be as bad as “Dinoshark”….unfortunately “boondock saints 2: all saints day”.

We all loved the first Boondocks…but seriously…just listen to the irish theme song from the first one while watching the cartoon boondocks on mute and it will be a WAY better experience.

We only made it about 20 minutes through.  And it wasn’t one of those…”oh the movie is taking forever to start and we aren’t in the mood for it 20 mintues”.  I was one of those “this acting is horrible, the writing sucks, and therefore the plot makes no sense” kind of movies.

20 MINUTE INTO THE MOVIE SPOILER ALERT

So you catch up with the full bearded boondocks living back in Ireland sheep farming with their bad ass dad.  They are in a small house…a million miles away from society.  They have escaped prosecution in the US…only to be tracked down by some random Irish priest.  Because some american priest was murdered and they put pennies in his eyes.

The priest asks if they can help….when they get pissed and agree he says something like ….”no….you…can’t”.  It doesn’t explain why the boondocks are so suddenly tied to the church….why they give a shit someone is imitating them back in the country they left…or how they know this priest.

The budget is low…and HORRIBLE rock music blares as the now bare-assed boondock saints are washing up and cutting their hair.  They find their guns and money which they have conveniently burried in the barn…and are now set to take a boat trip to america?

Why a boat trip? you just showed bags full of bundles of $100 bills…but the best means of transportation is a boat.

Anyways…a no holds barred match is set up between two random dudes…for now real reason.

One dude has a kick ass mullet and is mexican…the other dude is way bigger and Russian.

So SHOCKER…the small mexican dude wins…He’s super fast apparently…and more bad squealing of guitars is heard.

The boondocks…who in the last movie only worked with each other….their father…and their friend Rocko….have now decided they need to team up with random boat brawlers….

The audience isn’t even informed of their need of a partner…just all the sudden this random mexican dude is on their team…and he’s not even given ANY reason to join.  They just say that they like his style and he hops on board..

(Meanwhile in the rest of this broken film)

Back in Boston some dumb cops (not funny dumb like the first one) are arguing about if it is the boondocks that killed this priest…

Meanwhile a Julia Roberts fake southern accent having wanna-be gets out of the cop car…strutting with hot slut music playing in the backround (complete with he doing the one foot crossing in front of the other model walk with stocking on….up to the church)  Then you see her and realize not only is she not hot…she also DOES NOT know a southern accent.

Shen then of course belittles the ‘idiot local cops’  She has to put one cop down on his knees to re-enact the murder scene…and of course he can’t help but stammer and make predictable comments…

But wait it gets better…

Now for some reason the mob gets into the movie…They claim they never ordered the hit!!!

Oh NO!   now the boondocks might come from Ireland to seek them out for no reason!

Apparently when the dude killed the priest boondocks style he….and i quote “Just ass raped us prison style and wiped his dick on our grandma’s grave”

The DVD was then terminated….

Maybe when i get drunker i’ll actually try and watch it…

Oh march madness and shit…

I did a bracket with ABSOLUTELY no research and not watching ONE full NCAA game this season…

its free to join if you want in…

http://games.espn.go.com/tcmen/en/group?groupID=61879&entryID=1267394           <——there’s the link

password: nocturnalrudy