Turkey, Infomercials and how to get pregnant
I am buying a fucking egg genie.
I don’t even know what this thing does. If I had to guess…i’d say it allows you to grow baby chicks from everyday store bought eggs.
But that’s not the reason to buy it…the reason is that you also get the Bacon Wake….nice play on words…i feel like pot heads everywhere will buy this the second they hear the name…as long as they get the energy to reach into their pocket for their phone. It just basically lets you make bacon in the microwave.
Is there more…of corse there’s more you fucking moron. The Magic Chop! Its the same thing as the Slap Chop but it is significantly less able to defend you from prostitutes.
This product IS Eggsactly what i’m looking for!
So after starting speaking the praise of the egg genie i decided to watch this full commercial…the one i posted here doesn’t include the magic chop like the one on TV does. I’m ok with the Egg Genie…but I like how they try to tell you a great feature is the loud blaring alarm telling you your eggs are ready. ”Scare the shit out of your kids and family when they run for their lives when the eggs are ready.” Then it just shows the dad shaking his head after he yelled fire and his whole family runs through the front door. ”Now i can finally have my eggs!” says dad and then it fades to black.
Although this system is a bit annoying…wouldn’t it be great for couples trying to get pregnant….
“are you tired of the tricky rhythm method!?!?” (shows a couple fumbling over a calendar…and throwing it across the room)
“are you actually gay…a vagina disgusts you so you want to limit sex needed to have a child?” (shows a gay guy poking at a vagina saying ICK!)
“is your partner awful at sex so you need the highest success rate possible?” (girl yawning whilst banging)
WELL DO WE HAVE THE PRODUCT FOR YOU!
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! Never miss the fertile period of the month with Eggs Ovary Easy!!! (name would be trademarked with the exclamation marks). Eggs Ovary Easy!!! nestles comfortably in the vagina and gives you a gentle reminder when its time to fuck! (then it shows the air raid siren sounding and the couple rushes up to the bedroom).
Eggs Ovary Easy!!! extending the life of otherwised doomed relationships with the glorious gift of a child.
…Fucking pay me.
NEXT!
PETA is claiming that turkeys are tortured around thanksgiving. I envision PETA members called to a meeting where they have elementary school artistic skills which they have used to render this house of horrors for turkeys. Where they are put on “the rack” and have their feathers pulled one by one before being forced to pick which one of their turkey family members is the next to go…because we all know torture makes turkey taste better.
Yeah..fuck you PETA..I doubt Purdue sounds the alarm, and stops the assembly line because a turkey may have been about to be slaughtered before significant amounts of torture were endured..and then Will Purdue (not the owner of Purdue chicken…Will Purdue the ex-NBA player) dons his executioner hood and tortures the skipped turkey before resuming operations. Shut up PETA…I’m gonna donate a bunch of BOCA burgers to you fairies and it will be frozen Veal patties and you’ll all off yourselves after accidently ingesting them.
NEXT!
Obama just went over to China to talk about internet censorship but now Goggle has pulled a racist image of Michelle Obama off the internet? Hmm…sounds a little hypocritical. I think it would say a TON if he publicly rejected the fact that it had been pulled. Though…it probably wouldn’t win much points with Segourney (those that follow my blog already know that Michelle Obama is black Sigourney Weaver)
NEXT!
Adam Lambert is a copy cat…He’s copied Janet and Justin, as well as Brittney and Madonna by engaging in an act to solely create publicity…and guess what that shit worked again. And now he’s copying Charles Barkley (His famous “I’m not a role model commercial”)? ”I’m a performer…not a babysitter” we’ll see..lets not get ahead of ourselves here…i give you about a year…and you will in fact be a babysitter. Though, you might be a decent one…teaching young girls how to pull off the “smoky” makeup look.
NEXT!
fucking bed time…another long day at work…followed by lack of sleep…followed by long day at work….
But on a happier note….HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO EVERYONE!
Why I Hate You….oh and Adam Lambert
All aboard the Express train to Hatesville.
While you are all enjoying your pumpkin pie this week i’ll be sort of enjoying pie too…only difference is mine is a tasty little number called bowling ball pie and its headed repeatedly for my head.
All i see are Facebook statuses “SHORT WEEK!” ”Can’t wait for the early weekend to start” ”Thanksgiving” ”im better than you because i don’t work retail”…Ok maybe not the last one…but the other ones…and while your joy over the short week is justified…it sucks when i know i’m working until saturday. And that my store is closed 3 days a year and closes early 4…and i’ll be working all but christmas day. So while all of you are getting drunk…or watching football…or spending time with your family…or some possibility i can’t even imagine because i haven’t experienced a family holiday in almost 4 years…..I’ll be chucking freight…and stocking shelves so on friday you can get up on your next fucking day off and participate in great holiday deals….that i wont even get a chance to partake in. Its kind of a slap in the face to stock everything at these great prices and then be told you can’t buy any because you weren’t in line….”well yeah i wasn’t in line because i was fucking working”. So i’ll get to deal with the Tyson’s Corner traffic on black friday…but even if i came straight from work i’d miss out on all the deals.
Enjoy your tryptophan fuckers…i’ll be sleeping during the day too…but it isn’t a great nap..its what i do because i work fucking overnight.
If one more person asks me what i’m doing for Thanksgiving i’m just gonna punch them in the face…Multiple reasons. 1) it reminds me i’m doing nothing…because i cant 2) i don’t want the pity….its just a fact that i’m not doing anything…. 3) i am tired of trying to come up with a decent way to spin it so its not too awkward while having this conversation with the person.
OK enough of this live journal sounding shit…end of that rant…on to other random topics..
So anyways…who the fuck cares about Adam Lambert….What the fuck is so shocking about a gay guy kissing a dude…i’m pretty sure that’s what they are supposed to do. I just though…eh…damn he sure did over act the shit out of that brief dude make-out session. What would have shocked me is if he made out with a chick…or was able to touch one of the female dancers in a way that DIDNT look completely unnatural. I had never heard of this guy and as i was flipping through the channels i came across what looked like it was a ridiculous performance. And boy it didn’t disappoint…the guy can’t sing first off…he just screams a bunch…makes out with dudes and prances across the stage. The only reason people should have been shocked was at the fact that he actually was invited to perform at this show.
A bonus from all of this…i’ve been trying out Adam Lambert references whenever possible. So like when Pox and Ant had a Mother/Son wine drinking night yesterday I said i needed to go ahead and put a rush order in for their Adam Lambert CDs
And when go with the flow complained about his ankle…i thought…one more complaint and he’s getting floor seats to the next Adam Lambert concert….So i know that this is going to pass soon…so there is limited time to beat this dead horse of a topic.
Speaking of “beating a dead horse” that statement is never actually meant. See whenever someone says “I don’t mean to beat a dead horse” what they really mean is “i don’t mean to beat a dead horse…but i’m about to pummel the shit outta one”
I think women were made physically weak as a safety precaution…or like a fuse….or irons that automatically turn off when you leave them plugged in.
See they can snap all they want but without getting through a waiting period for a gun only so much can be done. And this is because when women come into existence…the second they are in the womb the body recognizes….”wow this is an irrational potential human…better add some security measures”.
Check out Them Crooked Vultures…best CD i’ve heard in a while…
Jive Ass Hand Turkeys!
I think the whole vampire phenom thing originally got started by a bet. Seriously, how did vampires and werewolves make it into chick flicks. I thought they were only for Halloween…now they are for Halloween and 13 year old girls. But wait….its not just 13 year old girls…i know numerous amounts of girls and a certain large roommate of mine that have also fallen for this craze. FUCK! Its just another chick flick. They bet, who can come up with a worst topic…and then who could make the most money. One person wrote a screen play built for Lindsey Lohan where she falls in love with a girl and they are both junkies…then real life hit where she was in love with the strange chick DJ and the person had to throw out the idea entirely. That left the second idea. Girl falls in love with vampire and doesn’t know how to deal with this forbidden love and also manages to stumble on to an ancient war brewing…
Oh wait…this is also “Trueblood” ”Underworld” and now the “Twilight” sagas. They are all just pitched to different audiences…I believe one person is probably behind all of them…just raking in the cash.
Trueblood: Girl falls in love with vampire…finds out she has weird powers…blah blah blah…basically vampire story + Chick flick + a lot of sex… So the sex sets it apart
Underworld: Girl is part vampire…falls in love with werewolf….basically Blade + love story + werewolves + Evanescence album….Focuses on action movie…adds some romance to get the girls in the seats too.
Twilight: Girl falls in love with vampire? Vampires + werewolves + chick flick….dumbs things down a bit to get a younger audience.
Fuck all these movies…and books.
Thanks hollywood…vampires and werewolves have now turned into little whiney emo kids…just let us keep superheroes and zombies….please
Family Guy isn’t funny anymore.
Pockets originally brought this to my attention and after watching a few of the new episodes i have agreed. My reasons? While their asides and references were part of what made it funny…now there is even Less of a central plot of each episode…and now that ratings have been kind to them they just try to push more and more offensive things on us. The one that crossed the line for me?
“That’s almost as bad as waking up to a Palestinian alarm clock” Then you hear “Allah Akbar” and the house blows up. Now normally this would just be a racist and unfunny joke…but seeing as though the shootings at Ft. Hood had just happened and the joke had NO BEARING on the actual plot of the episode…how necessary was it to keep it in…And this is coming from me…who is pretty much anti-censorship. I’m just saying that its not only in bad taste…its arrogant and un-needed.
I know these episodes are done in advance…but how hard would it have been to cut 15 seconds off of an episode…especially 15 seconds that had nothing to do with the rest of the episode.
Their characters are still funny…but they are coming up with less ways to tell the same jokes. It used to be humorous to hint a Stewie being gay…but now they are just trying to see if they can shock people with what they can make a bi-curious baby say. The other episode Stewie had water poured on his face while he was sleeping and he said “oh yeah, give it all to me Jake Gyllenhaal”. Yeah, we get it…Stewie is supposed to be gay…but now its not even subtle.
I give Famly Guy two more seasons max…the viewership will fall off…again…and though i was originally a huge fan of the show…its going to get to the point where there are no episodes…just a series of 10 second flash backs and obscure references.
Fact: 3 out of every 19 hand turkeys are known to be offensive or lewd. Found this out during fakesgiving.. see we had fake thanksgiving and required everyone to make hand turkeys (you know…where you trace your hand and make the thumb into a head). And only one ended up with a set of balls…one showing off her tits…and one with a penis. I’d say that’s pretty decent. What was great though…the build up of the turkeys. Everyone started looking at the ones we already posted on the window…people were looking at other peoples…not only for ideas but to make sure they could one up them…or atleast ensure they could also be original…It was great seeing a bunch of people in their mid-20s stressing about how their fucking “HAND TURKEY” was going to turn out. Also, i didn’t realize the hand turkey needed explanation but people kept on forgetting to connect where their palm would be….basically creating a bunch of disemboweled turkeys.
Remember Christmas Lists?
They day that first Toys ‘R Us catalogue that was the day as a kid you started losing your shit…Christmas was here..you thought…time to do work. Thats when you’d go on a circling spree…though my parents eventually went for the alternate system…me and my brother would put together chrismas collages basically…we’t cut out what we wanted and it all had to fit on one sheet of paper. Maybe that because the circling defeats the purpose when you’ve circled 5,000 items from Toys ‘R Us and the traditional list was just absurd when it started nearing 100. My parents had to be thinking “these greedy little fuckers” and Dad specifically had to be losing hair over the fact that every additional item on the list was another potential thing my mom could buy for us…sinking money into a toy we’d be done with a few weeks after Christmas. You remember the build up of getting your presents…only to find that toy you wanted SOOO much to be collecting dust a few weeks later.
1 example of this: Creepy Crawlers Oven (this was the oven where you could make little plastic bugs and animals with custom colors). Was fun as shit for a week or two until you got tired of burning your finger tips accidently touching the metal tray or trying to pry your creations out too early. I thought it was so fun for a while though…making all my wacky colored spiders and scorpions…but a few weeks later we just owned an unneeded fire hazard.
well that’s all i’ve got…
She saw me cooking eggs and thought i was back at it
Just was thinking…what embodies my return to blogging after a brief hiatus better than a lil wayne quote…answer…nothing
So what’s the miracle in Miracle Whip?
I’m gonna say its false hope…because anyone with miracle whip Always tries to pass it off like its the same thing as mayo…”Hey i’m getting ready to have a delicious leftover cold turkey sandwich do you have any mayo?”
Two responses from those miracle whip eating bastards:
1) “Yeah sure…here you go!” *Plunk* As you look bewildered at your supposed friend that’s when they announce its the same thing. Or that its better for you. Its about that time if you’re on T-Mobile you consider eliminating them from the fav 5 status.
2) “No but i’ve got miracle whip…its basically the same” As you attempt to keep your fists from balling up you think about where to take this to. Should you tell him miracle whip is to mayo as Mustard is to Honey Mustard…or Spicy Brown mustard….If someone asked me for mustard i wouldn’t fucking hand them honey mustard and expect them to be happy…AT THE VERY LEAST…i would say…sorry…no mustard…but here’s what i DO have. You see that? you don’t get your hopes up…but other doors of condiment options open to you…
Anyways, two things made me go off on this miracle whip rant…One…i was pulling miracle whip out of the stockroom and was just thinking about how many people this bottle had the potential to disappoint…
and Two…my grandparents…they always have miracle whip never mayo…But i always ask for mayo…and they always say yes…and since i don’t see them frequently i figure that they’ve finally switched over to the right side of the fight…only to find out that my sandwich has been ruined by this imposter
But speaking of the grandparents…I LOVE watching The Price Is Right with old people. They get blown away at every bid and contest. A car is up there to win and the grandparents try to play along with the contestant….”Oh that vehicle should cost no more than $2000″ and then when its revealed that the car is 20,000 you just glance over at grandma and watch as she scrambles to pick her heart up off the floor “well i never…” and that launches into the “in my day a hooker cost a nickle and you could fly to europe for a forth pence” or some other monetary denomination that no longer exists. In much the way that the wheel on Price As Right comforts the old people (since no matter what time you’re in…you’re always going to try for the dollar spot…inflation doesn’t exist on the big wheel…only hopefilled elderly citizens..military personnel…college kids and the impoverished.) i feel that the brief return of the buffalo nickle must have felt the same way to them…Grandads got their fedoras back out and grandma started flashing some calf again like some sort of floozy.
I’ve decided everyone’s a nerd…just the bigger, faster, stronger ones got to classify themselves as jocks….I’m a nerd….and though i wouldn’t have ever considered myself a straight up jock…once upon a time i was in good shape…But i still loved my video games….because no matter what is going on…you aren’t thinking about shit while playing call of duty but saving the world…and vanquishing your virtual foes….and theater nerds get to act like they aren’t who they really are…and art nerds get to paint their feelings that they may not be able to express….or put into a painting what they can’t put into words…or just simple craft a world they wish they could be in…and book worms can immerse themselves into a world other than their own and let their imagination take control. Athletes get lost in the game, the competition, the sense of team you get from it all…but we’re all nerds in some way…its really just what people are either passionate about or what they use to escape.
And on that less shallow statement i’ll end this blog..
Stupid Little Kids
You remember games you used to play when you were kids? I do…we played in “the fort” see the fort was a giant honey suckle bush in the middle of our neighborhood. What adds an extra layer to this game though was the fact that i lived on a military base. So of course even though we didn’t know what our fathers did…we knew ranks…and we thought that shit was cool…so we all had ranks for the fort. And there were 3 brothers on the corner that were the highest ranking. Nate of course was the highest rank…cuz he was 13 and that was fucking ancient. He would play with us every now and then (this was through my 2nd and 3rd grade years)…and play in the fort with us….But the funny thing was…we thought he was doing us a favor..but in real life he was torturing us. Dude could have done anything…he was 13 so he was a god. So i remember specifically one way to try and get promoted was…He stood at the top of his hill and drove golf balls at us and his friend chucked footballs at us. It was like hamburger mother fucking hill…well hamburger hill jr. Me and my friends looking at each other with this sense of horror and greed. As we dodged golf balls and got pelted in the face with footballs we were also kicking each others asses. I got to the hill first but to my shock…Aaron that mother fucker (just so happened to be nate’s brother) he got the same rank as me!
Now what you have to understand is how retarded this all is….I ran up a hill while Nate got out his dad golf clubs and took hacks at us….I’m not upset that i got pelted with various sports projectiles…i’m pissed because of the rank i got inside the honey suckle bush. See this bush was gigantic. It could fit about 10 of us inside the middle…because for whatever reason it was kind of hollow in the middle…we had chair and dug out benches and everything. But it was a strict hierarchy….and no one could really join…well for the time being atleast. When you saw someone that wasn’t part of the fort you either threw rocks at them or beat them up. In fact once we found this annoying kid Bradley’s backpack…full of his toy guns and burnt the whole thing in the woods….starting a mini forest fire that i frantically stomped out with my bare feet.
See i guess playing “Fort” should have been playing anarchy…or Soviet Society. But we kept going. Eventually Nate and Aaron moved away and i was forced to leave the fort to someone else that was there. I just remember my last day there as i handed him our broom…and told him all the rules…demanded he swept the floor (because nothing’s more important than making sure our dirt floor is clean)….and then left. Thinking….its all over…can’t believe that kid’s in charge.
Other things from this period of my life…
Other games
The Creek: OH THE FUCKING CREEK! Catching frogs, tadpoles, fish, newts, lizards and the illusive snake or turtle (who were like the gold fucking medals)
….and one time we found this bank of clay…and filled up buckets of it…we were soooo happy…guess who wasn’t so happy. Dad…yeah Dad came out wondering how we were having suck a good time and then realized that we were having a ‘clay fight’ on the porch….the bricks…chairs…trash can…were all covered….Dad put an end to that game pretty quick…and shortly after i thought my dad was going to put an end to me…but rightly so..anyways…my tears started…i got a tongue lashing and was told to clean it up…still….i didn’t realize how much i had fucked things up until the next day when i saw how the splats of clay i missed basically turned into cement. Seems like dad was justified…and probably wondering if his first born child was mildly retarded.
Then my mom got a doseage of my little retarded mind when i engadged in dirt fights on the play ground. We would take a pack of our school paper and put loose dirt in a peice and then wind it up into a packet…then you would wing them at each other…and if you hit someone you watched the very satifying EXPLOSION of dirt when they got hit. Big suprise…mom didn’t approve of this game as i came home literally covered from head to toe in dirt….and i had used up all my paper for school. But me thinking i was sneaky would try to play dirt wars and just not get dirty…What little kid fucked up logic makes you think you’re not gonna get dirty playing dirt wars? I still don’t know…but i threw on my MC Hammer multicolored pants and went to dirt wars round 2, 3, and 4 and every day i got home and didn’t get yelled at i felt like 00 fucking 7. In reality my mom was probably just too tired to explain the stupidity of playing dirt wars and all the extra work i was causing her.
We caught bees in jars and then shook the jar up so they would fight each other and would bet on the winners.
I discovered mom can’t hear everything you say….and started cussing with a fury that could never be matched again. I cuss a good amount now…but 3rd grade Rudy was on a fucking tear. Every other word….though atleast i wasn’t the annoying kid that cussed and didn’t know how to know the words (“Oh yeah? Shut your bitch fuck” for example).
When you played sports on base…it was awesome cuz very few people had fences…so you had HUGE fields to play on…however the gutters seemed to swallow every ball. Nothing was worse than seeing your brand new ball bounce into the sewer drain….But…when we had heavy rains…JACKPOT…you’d hop on your bike and hit all the drains…by the end of the day you were like a 2nd grade version of a millionaire….”Yeah, thats a NERF ball….and it whistles”
What was so great about riding bikes? What you wanna do? ”I dunno wanna ride bikes” Me and Ant have both agreed that this was the greatest game/activity ever…but you never had an actual plan…you’d just ride around doing nothing…fucking great days.
One more….brilliant game my parents came up with. ”Lets see who can pick up the most cigarette butts” Me and my brother would be sent out to the yard with an empty coffee can each…and we got a nickle per butt. You’d never seen two kids tear across a yard that fast…fucking thing was spotless….i was trying to count half cigarette butts as whole ones…picking up anything that resembled trash trying to pass it off as legit…the whole time thinking of the X-Men toy sitting on the rack at the mall about to be bought by a kid luckier than myself.
A game i didn’t play…”trucks” or “cars” fuck those games…seriously…what do you do in those games…you just made car sounds and moved em back and forth over and over again. Weak.
I haven’t been scared this bad of new year’s since Y2K…you know why? Because i’m figuring its my last year with hair. I flipped the light on in the bathroom and what do i see? It looked like the woods ouside my window….you know how a forest looks in the winter? You see a shit load of trees but you can still see the houses or the road through it….same shit…i can see each individual hair and while there is still coverage…i that shits not gettin any buds when it gets warmer out. So we play this same kind of game of roulette where i get my hair cut and we see what grows back…fuck!
