Nocturnal Rudy: Diary of An Angry Black Woman
Ok…so first thing is first. I am definitely not a woman…and further more i’m not even black. However! Tyler Perry has made a shit load of movies and money…and he seems like a strange dude…so if it works for him…why not me?
So remember that format…that is just to ensure more regular blogs….this blog is a mix of my life and randomness….
At this rate i’m going to be the most hated person at my job. Cuz i had to Jim Zorn a mother fucker today. See Dan Snyder took away his head coach’s play calling ability last week and that doesn’t seem to be working out to well for him. Well today at work i had to take away an essential job function from an employee because he is not good at it. And the thing is…this guy taught me a lot about my job…AND he’s got like 6 years of experience on me….so didn’t really feel too red hot…but oh well…we’ll see how that goes.
so you ever wonder how to land a sweet retail job like me? Well here are some steps for you.
1) Major in something very broad and don’t be Ant. See although Ant majored in Communications he had that whole being a living breathing superhero thing on his side. I on the other hand majored in management…and guess what…i’m managing the fucking shit out of some shit. Just so happens its overnight…i wear bleach stained pants to work because i don’t want to mess up good clothes and leave work covered in a fine coating of dust and sweat.
2) Stay AWAY from the library in college….If you ever saw me with a stack of books in the library…chances are i’m in an awesome game of spades. (Note: i’m no dummy…though i may have fooled you through my butchering of the english language and ranting about unimportant shit…i still did pretty well for myself in the grade department)
3) Assume you’ll think of your dream job and achieve landing it sometime while you’re in college. Then wait…
4) Have a lot of patience and the ability to open boxes quickly…
There you go!
So baby wipes aren’t just for babies any more…and neither is fucking baby powder! Time to take the power back from the babies…Do your ass and balls a favor and invest…and feel like a king when you leave the bathroom….Or atleast “Shower fresh”….that’s fucking tagline for the Cottonelle wipes. Classic. ”Your butt’ll be strikingly clean” was their first choice but it didn’t test well with the focus groups.
Seriously though, we spend time picking up dog shit and doing everything for worthless babies. Fucking grow up already babies. Here are the things i’m going to train my baby to do.
First words/Conversation: Learn the ability to say “Oh sorry dad, i apologize for being a stupid fucking baby again…i’ll learn to shit in the toilet like a human and thus separate myself from the animals”. Its a mouthful i know…but also completely necessary.
Next: “Right away dad”
Next: Powder own ass…or find a way to not wear a diaper. Because contrary to all you baby’s stupid thoughts….there’s nothing convenient about carrying your shit with you every where you go.
I lost my voice last night
Whenever i lose my voice i feel like i could go up to a deaf or blind person and be like “I know right!?!” Or at the very least give a head nod…though it might not be as impactful for the blind guy.
Hey Thursday Night TV! I guess you never got caught bringing programming to school….Cuz you’re hogging it all…and i think its about time you share with the rest of the class. Seriously my DVR gets a workout every thursday….We almost need a second TV in the living room just so we don’t have to miss anything. The DVR makes you make unnecessary decisions…like its trying to teach americans to be less greedy. Yeah, you can tape and even pause live TV go ahead and try! Oh you wanna tape three shows…SHAME ON YOU…decide which one dies….
I wonder how many writers are cussing at their TV when they realize their show is never going to make it when their show ends up on their own DVR chopping block….Ohhhh I just picked a show about internet clips over my own tv show…shit looks like no golden globe this year…
the cherokee kidd said,
October 23, 2009 at 9:22 am
GREAT BLOG RUDY!!!!!!!!!!
-katie
cock217 said,
October 23, 2009 at 10:32 am
Megabear said,
October 23, 2009 at 9:26 am
1. Bears are godless killing machines and I love them.
2. Rudy is a godles killing machine and I love him…and he writes stellar blogs.
Bears1…Rudy 1.5
Bonerjams2009 said,
October 23, 2009 at 9:55 am
if i were a black woman, i would be a glorious sea lion swimming through the angelic sea of tyler perry’s dreams. He would then awake and see me hovering over him like that crazy bitch in paranormal activity only to leave him with…(i wont ruin the movie for you anthony, i know u wanna see it)…baby powder, yes…but i can do you one better. Everyone thinks that is the generic brand. It is not. Johnson&Johnson use a generic name to sell a premium product. All baby powder is, is corn starch. I learned this working in the kitchen. Go to the grocery store and buy a big box of cornstarch in the cooking aisle, and your balls/grundle/innerleg parts/mangina will be tingling with glee…ok back to teaching students about composition of functions….peice
cock217 said,
October 23, 2009 at 10:31 am
ok so apt 217 runs into the same problem every thursday night. we might need to all get together, have dinner, go through the tv guide and figure out a way we can record all the shows we want between our two tvs! let’s do itttttttt
Aarghh said,
October 23, 2009 at 2:51 pm
Rudy,
You are very right about our DVR. I had to sacrifice 2 shows to the DVR gods. And don’t worry they were two shows I was recording but I’ll just go and download them today.
I was mad I couldn’t DVR a hour long show “Hard Core Parkour: The Ultimate Challenge” when it first came on last nite. But lucky I was able to get it on rerun at 4a.m. Your welcome.
magnussledgehammer said,
October 23, 2009 at 6:05 pm
“Whenever i lose my voice i feel like i could go up to a deaf or blind person and be like “I know right!?!”
I just blew milk out my nose for the first time since 3rd grade. You’re a legend in your own time.