The Special Olympics and Supermarket Sweep.
In case you didn’t realize…the special olympics visit Tyson’s Corner every weekend. So if have never been and you want to expereince it…come on down! Because its where we gather every special ed driver on a weekly basis. Do wanna use your turn signal…Come to Tysons! Don’t know you can turn right on red? Come to Tysons! Love cutting people off only to then drive under the speed limit, swerve into adjoining lanes without checking your blind spot or multi-tasking way beyond your driving skill set? you guessed it COME DOWN TO FUCKING TYSONS CORNER!
Tyson’s Corner, where it takes half an hour to make what should be a five minute trip…Where dreams of a productive day are smashed under lanes and miles of bumper to bumper traffic.
So i think i have a theory. This theory and the rules that follow apply to what i’ve experienced in a majority but not all girls. Girls cheat through cuddling. Girls have tried to have their cake and eat it to…Making out with gay guys and snuggling with guys that “know they are just friends”. Hey, news flash ladies…. he doesn’t know you’re just friend. Very few guys know that….what is more likely is that the guy has it burried in the back of his head that there might be a chance for you to suck on his Pee Pee some day and that maybe he is just building up points that he can eventually redeem. And don’t play dumb ladies…you know its not completely innocent on your part, because according to studies men and women cheat differently (not gonna take the time to find the source..you’re just going to have to trust me on this one). Women are more likely to see cheating as an emotional thing…where men might see having sex with another girl just that physical act women are more likely to assume there are emotions behind it too which tend to be what is more damaging. So what is the cuddle time for then? You want to do with this random guy what you boyfriend doesnt do and you want to feel comforted and protected and all that jazz. Basically what i’m saying fellow dudes is this. We can’t stand for this…this double standard. A girl wouldn’t take the “she’s just a friend” excuse…or the “oh it doesn’t count shes gay” excuse…so we shouldn’t either. Could you imagine trying to tell your girlfriend that you made out or banged a girl but she was a lesbian so its all cool. Yeah, exactly it feels wrong just reading that shit i bet…so women…You stop trying to pull that shit…stop trying to find loop holes…and who made you keepers of the relationship commandments anyways?
Other strange rules:
”I don’t want you to pay for everything” Yeah you do. And to me that’s fine but just admit that you like it or want it. Don’t believe me, try after paying for stuff regularly to suggest to split a bill or that she covers something and watch the look of shock and confusion creep into view.
“Treat me like an equal” no you want to be treated better than an equal. You want to have a job but be able to keep all of your money and spend it one what you want, but expect the guy to use his money to entertain you. You want balance on the TV program selection…not ESPN all day (which i think would occur through the master of his domain rule stating of course that whatever house you are in the remote is automatically given to a dweller in that establishment first. If you are allowed to control the remote you must at least give a look for approval to said person to make sure the channel you have selected is agreeable. Its somewhere in the men by-laws i just can’t remember the paragraph number). This treat me like an equal statement is funny because the same woman that says this will at one point be the same one that states “chivalry is dead”…well you can’t have it both ways.
“Act the same way around me you act around your friends”….ok here’s to more drinking, cussing, and overall offensive behavior, insensitive remarks and inappropriate comments at women on tv. Is that what you REALLY want?
Yeah, that shit just happened.
In installement 2 of the nostaliga chronicles…we revist a show that remains dear to all of our hearts. I am speaking of course of Supermarket Sweep.
Lets start with the basics…I’ll break down the film. Richard and Mark a power couple and power house team in this game show. To me they represent a super team. They seemed obviously fans of the penis, and i’ll explain why i think this gives them the edge (i rank a gay male couple as the best possible team, followed by college aged lesbian couple, and then newly moved in together couple). See the gay male couple much like the young lesbian couple i feel both have a high likely hood of grocery shopping together. Not only will this help them with a melding of the minds, but will also make sure that both are well versed in grocery aisle set ups…along with the cock. On top of that they have all the physical attributes needed to reign supreme in the supermarket sweep kingdom
I list lesbian couple second only because its like comparing the WNBA with the NBA. Third comes the hetero couple that just moved in together. This is simple, they are spending a lot of time together and things haven’t soured yet. They each want to impress each other..neither one wants to be seen as a let down and therefore will do their best to succeed. In contrast, you would have married for 30 years couple, where the man is a shell of his former self. The woman barks orders as the man feverishly runs up and down the aisle moving back and forth over the same section…frantically trying to find the specially marked package or whatever food he has been sent to find. His motivation? not the extra time on the clock for the big sweep…no not that at all…its just to get his wife to stop screaming at him so he can get his dignity back long enough to make a trip to the ABC store on the way home.
Now two things that every team needs….reach….and quick ham loading ability. I’ll get to that soon.
So as you saw from the video, every episode starts with the staged scene where the crowd is all holding household products/groceries and the announcer “at random” picks three teams to play the game. From there you have your normal cheesy intros of the team, but after that…now its time for a completely unique game show experience. Everyteam starts off with 1:30 for the big sweep…however, with each question answered, mini-sweep challenge won…you watch that time grow. Where by the end you might have as big as a 30 second head start over the other 2 teams.
And that leads to the best part of the show…i’m talking of course about the BIG MOTHERFUCKIN SWEEP!
Yup, they let you loose on the store, and this is where the gay couple again wins…because either person they send in are going to get the job done, where as the husband wife couple have to make that decision…you can have a winded wife that may be way better at the shopping aspect, but will be quickly winded, or you send in the caveman…destroying everything is sight, and filling up many a cart full of non-sense. POP QUIZ! where do you go first in your big sweep run?
That’s right…MEATS…sprint over to your meat section, load up on your maximum allotted amount of turkeys and hams…BAM! cart one taken care of….get within eye sight of the checkout lanes and send that cart sailing towards your teammate. As the cart picks up more an more speed and you watch it hurdle towards your teammate you have an Ivan Drago moment crossing your mind “If he dies he dies”. On to the second cart! Not much time to spare…soon you’ll lose your benefit of the head start. Out of the corner of your eye??? Whats this??? A large inflatable Jolly Green Giant?!? Its a bonus AND close to the registers (now here is the mind fuck…there are 3 of these…and the dilemma? Do you pick the largest one closest to the register which is probably worth the least, or keep going and hope you come across one of the small ones that may very well be worth the whole $300 but may not make it past the line when time expires) you decided to take the gamble…shit money’s money right…you chuck that to your partner now back to your second cart. Where are you headed next? that’s right the coffee section….You pop open a bag and with one hand hold the bag an grinding button (yeah, that’s not the smell of coffee…its the smell of another $100 added to your total). This is where the reach comes in…if you do it right you can load another staple item in the supermarket sweep universe into your cart simultaneously…the jumbo cans of Folgers. Now team 2 has started! But its ok…you have quite the jump…a whole cart, inflatable bonus item AND bag of coffee has paved your way to victory. The last thing you need to do is make sure you stop by the medicine aisle, small taking up limited cart space AND expensive…that’s a veteran move there…
Now this is how basically every sweep went…but remember no two sweeps are alike. Do you have the blue light special bin in effect where you dig through for the correct canned food. Do you have the bag of aluminum cans to recycle….Do you go after the list of items the host Richard gives to you right before you take off? So many choices…so many paths to victory…
The only bad thing about the show was that the big sweep was not the grand finale to this show…instead you had to wait while the team tried to solve three or four clues on the back of these index cards…if they found the product they reached behind it and grabbed the money. Now, do you think in life…there is anything drenched more in failure than the people that solved the final clue but heard the buzzer go off as they reached for the money (then you’d always see them pleading with Richard about whether they got the money in time or not as the credits rolled). And finally..every show was signed off in the same way…WE’LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME ON SUPER..MARKET SWEEEP!!! And then Richard had a very belittling conversation with the team if they were the losers…a very Trabekian moment if you will…but if they won…he’s hugging your girlfriend or the cutest guy in the gay couple.
It should be called Megan Fox’s Body
So i call false advertising….because today i saw Jennifer Megan’s Body and although the movie was WAY better than you’d think from the previews (funny, entertaining with some suspense thrown in)…it did not feature Megan Fox’s tits. And to me that automatically docks it some points. It wouldn’t have if there wasn’t a big internet buzz about it before hand…and if it wasn’t about hotness incarnate Megan Fox…Tell me its drew barrymore or any other woman from the charlie’s angels movie…and i’d wait till that shit came out on DVD. But it was megan fox and boobs were promised…so i promised i’d be there opening day…I held up MY end of the bargain Ms. Fox, so i’m expecting an e-mail from you containing an appology and a piture of your rocking tits…because i know you’re busy i’ll give you till the end of the weekend. Well, that being said…Megan does make out with a chick and look hot through the whole film and deliver some pretty funny one-liners…So suprisingly I would actually suggest seeing it.
Is anyone else in agreement that CBS is the worst network on TV…besides “How I Met Your Mother” there is nothing worth watching on that channel. CBS has found ways to make HD look bad. When football is on CBS it looks like they are filming the fucking games through a screen door. It was like the owner of the station took a bet with a friend…”I bet you can’t make NFL football boring” ….Mother Fucking Deal….First step…no matter what awesome games are on…we are going to give you anything featuring the Ravens or two teams with absolutely no hopes of the playoffs. Have you ever been at work and someone say…OH MAN! you missed a great game…it was on CBS…nope…Because they could have the Super Bowl on CBS and i’d just catch the highlights on ESPN the next day. Besides their poor choice of games, and picture clarity…they follow it up with horrible on screen visuals…their set up couldn’t be more boring if they tried. Then throw in announcers that should be doing radio for “the quiet storm…smoooth jazz” and you have your recipe for a mid-day nap.
What makes it all worse is the fact that since we live by DC we have no choice but to watch the boring brand of play that is washington redskins football…on the good football station (Fox) I understand there is a huge fan base and you should be able to watch your team play. But i think as long as Dan Snyder continues running his franchise into the ground we should get a reprieve. No one wants to watch your offensive breakout (which amounts to 17 points off of a bunch of 3-5 yard slants…and reverses to no where). Even the good defense is boring…becaue the Redskins don’t force turnovers…so while they are one of the better defenses…all that means is you have your afternoon planned watching a bunch of 3 and outs.
So you ever think about growing up…like how no matter where you are currently at…down the road you are probably going to look back and say either…wow that was dumb…or i can’t believe that used to be a priority. I mean its gotta be that way atleast until your 40s or so…Here’s what i mean.
I was gonna cover all of childhood in one go…but then this blog would be about 5000 words long…So in the next few blogs i’ll include atleast one topic in each about a stage of life..or earth rattling childhood event that most of us went through.
Riding the big boy bike
You’ve now spent a couple years watching the bigger kids flying around on their bikes while you walk are take your lame ass trike around. I think its probably what birds feel like when they see airplanes…or flightless birds when they see actual functioning birds.
First you see the first full-sized bike you have the opportunity to ride (mine was a red bike, it had this styrofoam wrap on the middle between the handlebars that said “renegade”…i thought i was the shit!) and you can’t wait to rip the training wheels off of that thing. So after some practice i was finally ready and my Uncle John helped push me down the sidewalk on the bike so i could get some speed going and i could take off on my own (oh and by the way i was wearing NO padding…wearing pads? that is/was some pussy shit…cuts, scrapes, skinned knees taught you boundaries…give me padding? chances are i’m trying to take on cars). A little wobbily at first…but you remember that first time you stabalized the bike? You didn’t know how long you were going to last…you just knew it was incredible and you were going to try and take this moment in. It has to be comparable to what the first astronauts felt like when their rocket was launching…but anyways hopefully a bunch of other kids are watching as you sail down the street so they can see how impressive you look. Yeah that’s right you little training wheel fagmos Ima big kid now. I feel like this next step had to happen to most kids…as soon as you make it a little ways without falling…its time to go as fast as possible. And it was about that time as i’m flying down a straightaway down the sidewalk i realize i’m on a fucking crazy train to hurtsville. I’m great in straight lines at this point…but i had no accounted for having to now turn at these new found high speeds…so sure enough…Bam! Now weepy defeated Rudy has to walk his bike back to Grandmother and Grandad’s house skinned knee and all to get fixed up. And of course…the remedy included a brief scolding and some shit that stings to make the war wound better (you ever think its odd how Grandparents ALWAYS seem to have every chemical that could make a wound sting…available in their medicine cabinet at all times. I think that might actually be a requirement. You find out you have a grandkid…first stop before the hospital…lets pick up some iodine, rubbing alcohol, and peroxide). So anyways, after this traumatic event…you realize that there are some actual limitations…but don’t worry you’ll hone your skills…and one day find all sorts of new stupid shit to do on your bike.
Advanced Biking Skills:
Riding in the woods…and bike rides to stores. You have made it to the age where your parents are tired of watching your every move and figure…eh…if they can’t make it to the store and back its probably for the best…they weren’t gonna go anywhere in life in general. This is also the same time you form your little bike gang/clique (talking to Ant, he was the organizer of his. ”Iunno…wanna ride bikes?” which was of course the response anytime you were asked what you wanted to do ) you go everywhere which is actually no where on your bikes. Do you remember actually having an agenda on the bikes? The most important trip i would make would be the the SHOPETTE which was a military base’s equivalent to a 7-11. We’d go there to buy comics or X-men cards, and if we couldn’t afford it…we would just stash what we wanted to buy at a later date behind completely unrelated things (expesive comics behind Cosmo…stuff like that). Other than that it was getting back and forth to friends houses. The worst moment on your bike though? When something broke…it was devastating! Shit, i gotta be home by dinner time every night…This is going to seriously limit my social range. Little Johnny’s house is like a 15 minute bike ride…that’s gotta take atleast 5 hours to walk guess i’m not playing super nintendo for a while (everyone had the friend that had the super nintendo/sega combo..they were like gods). You had all sorts of worries….will the bike gang forget me? will we still be friends when i finally get the hog back? It felt like being grounded. Because of course the couple weeks your parents made you go without your Harley that’s when friends want to go to all sorts of far away cool places.
But alas…this too passed. The wonder and amazement of the bike eventually faded…and turned into a nerdy thing. The thing that used to be so cool turned into an activity for losers or people with one ball. You got older and you saw the opportunity of driving and you forgot your bike. Your old friend sat, rusting in the corner. For years you don’t even think about it…but then came college and it made its resurgence….well for some..not for me….its not ” like learning to ride a bike” because i forgot how to ride a bike and i tried to again in college and ended up kicking a midget in the head…and since them have turned im my bicycle license.
Its official….Kanye is a Jackass
No…Kanye…you are no longer the voice you thought you were. I don’t think you can claim to be the voice of the people any longer…yeah you rode that George Bush hates black people for a while….But while other black rappers were helping the president’s campaign and making songs about him becoming president. You? well you got called a jackass (Obama Thinks Kanye Sucks Too). that’s gotta be deflating…when you think your opinion matter soooo much and then the president of the united states single handedly calls you out for being a dick. Now i heard that he appologized on Leno’s first episode of his new show…But his initial excuse of his mom dying two years ago (while i’m sure is fucking rough) still seems invalid. What he should have done was just straight up appologize…no excuses no nothing…I was wrong…i’m an ass…sorry…Taylor i’ll produce some country/hip-hop song for you…there you go. You do a song with her…it can be complete shit but guess what…its gonna be #1 on the charts.
So you know how the hippies keep on telling us that global warming is killing the planet. How bout the fact that the sun itself is getting hotter…that could also be a valid reason why the earth is getting hotter (Dirty Hippies). While that might be kind of a random source…i also heard it on the science channel…and we all know TV doesn’t lie. So its funny…it the sun is getting hotter…and we already have evidence of things like ice ages happening before cars were invented…then what’s this global warming all about. Who knows…maybe Al Gore had investments in some companies that stood to gain from a “green culture”. Cuz lets be honest…the amount of gas you are saving in your Prius is nothing compared to the amount of natural resources, and pollution it took to create your vehicle in the first place. See, people that recycled for a long time for the good of it finally got fed up and said..”HEY you know what i wanna be recognized for trying to make this country better” So that’s when they started bugging Bono to do some good natured shit, and started driving things like Prius’…like a big fucking blue ribbon. Yeah, congrats…you’re “saving” the earth…by consuming more than you needed to in the first place and paying more to do it? That just doesn’t seem smart…but neither do hippies.
I hate McDonalds…mainly because they stay open 24 hrs and with my schedule that has some sore of allure to it. But to offset this…its the fact that McDonalds doesn’t offer all meals all day long. Now i understand this with places that have fresh ingrediants daily…but don’t try to tell me you can’t give me a medium fry because it is now “breakfast time” when all you have to do is take out the frozen fries and put em in a deep fryer. Also, why do you have to be sooooo happy to tell me i can’t get what i want to order…next time you’re out late…purposely try to order whatever meal you don’t think is available…and i gurantee the employee will act like you said the word of the fucking day and be elated with happiness (remember pee-wee…the robot spit out the word and everyone went apeshit when someone said it…including the cowboy Lawrence Fishburne). A few reasons why thier policy pisses me off 1) i came to your establishment at 3:30. They told me at 3:30 that it was now breakfast time. And at that point i realized there is no better median between late night dinner and early morning breakfast than 3 fucking 30. But McDonalds says that Americans start eating breakfast at 330. Motherfuckers…Throw another frozen patty in the microwave, and nuke another batch of frys and send off another happy unhealthy american on their way. Fast food is that last industry that should tell us when we should be doing things. Oh? no burgers available now? Where will you be when i spend $15 on myself around 6 at your place. You wont tell me at that time that i’m doing something wrong will you…then shut your fucking trap and give me some damn chick Mcnuggets…but since its mother fucking breakfast throw some damn hashbrowns in with that shit!
Why can girls after having drunken sex decide that it was rape? Seriously…i don’t know if you are aware of the rule…but if two adults have consensual sex but the girl is drunk…the next morning she can say it wasn’t consensual and now it is considered rape…i’m not even making this shit up. So two drunk college kids can have sex…just like drunk college kids are expected to do, and the girl can then get salty the next day and decide to fuck the guy a second time with a rape charge. If it has a date rape drug in it…GOOD CALL…it should be rape. But why are we lead to believe that men have total control over their bodies when they are drunk but a girl gets two drinks in her and turns into fucking Terri Schivao? You are in the same situation the guy is in…maybe had an equal amount of drinks…but since you had no choice but to down the drink in front of you…or you were too polite to refuse the drink he bought you…now you are fucked up beyond your control. Be responsible for your own acts…if you made a bad decision…be glad you are on birth control…and plan-b exists. Then walk your ass home and think about what you did. Don’t immediately decide you didn’t want to do that (the day after) and then ruin an innocent guys life for it. You wanna talk about glass ceilings and shit…but double standards go the other way too.
Not to end on a sour note…just think about the fact that Pockets is on the west coast…probably on a beach running from a terrier that is trying to pull his bathing suit off of him…
Patrick Swayze, Kanye, Serena, and things that didn’t fail over the last week
So it took me a little over two hours to get home…like i was some sort of fucking jerk….God damn that shit sucked…a 15 minute drive TO work…its cool..cuz there is no traffic…But who WOULDN’T want your commute TO work way longer than your commute FROM work. Oh, sorry boss….crazy traffic i couldn’t avoid. Guess i’ll have to listen to this CD and watch the hours shave off of my shift…damn…sucks i’ve got no choice but to be late. However, as you are stuck in traffic on the way home, memories/fantasies of things you planned to do that you will no longer do start to fade…and you anger more and more as you realize you are now going to get absolute dick accomplished….Oh well
Anyways, speaking of jerks….Serena Williams…now i know foot faults can suck….and i know it sucks worse when it leads to match point…and sucks worse still when your profanity laden tirade leads to the match being called because you were docked match point like a fucking jerk…but seriously? A stare down…a racket smash…fine…but to repeat at the top of your lungs that you are “want to shove this ball down your fucking throat right now”…that might be a bit excessive…its a line judge…you are a linebacker…not a fair matchup…And how bout that Kanye huh. It wasn’t evident enough that he once worked at gap, said bush hated black people, said the government invented aids, brought those stupid fucking sunglasses to every mall kiosk around you, and tried to start the black mullet movement. Now he gets up drunk during peoples award acceptance speeches to tell them he doesn’t think they deserve it. Now to me, its not so bad…because i HATE country, and the fact that Kanye did this takes a lot of attention away from country music, and rightfully so..cuz that shit sucks….But what annoys me about Kanye is the fact that he is one of those people that thinks he is just “saying what everyone is thinking” or “saying what people are too afraid to”. Like he’s doing us all a service. Shut your fucking mouth Kanye. Its true…Beyonce or any number of people probably deserved the award…but even though its what we are thinking…we aren’t big enough dicks/self-centered attention whores to run on stage and tell her so. Its not that people really agree with everything he says…as much as it is that no one wants to get in a stupid fucking conversation/argument with the ego-maniac. You know how hard of a conversation it would be to convince Kanye he is not in fact jesus….let alone that his opinion is wrong? Yeah, its probably just more entertaining for his entourage just to follow him around and see what next dumb shit thing he decides to do.
Patrick Swayze died.
Ashton be on the lookout…cuz you know what happens next. If Demi takes up pottery class you’re in trouble.
We had a guy in our fraternity that looked like Patrick Swayze. We all called him Swayze…but what will we call him now? Its just not as fun to call someone “dead patrick swayze”
How many Patrick Swayze’s does it take for The Beast to get cancelled?
Two….One to get the part…and one to die of cancer.
I hate when people use text/internet lingo in everyday life.
BRB…no you wont…i just locked you out.
FML? Nope. Not your life…just you. Its like…Oh maaannn my BMW needed an oil change and that shit was expensive FML…yeah…sorry…sounds rough.
LOL…no you didn’t…you didn’t just do that…because if you actually were LOLing…YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SAY L FUCKING O FUCKING L. Don’t be an idiot…if you say LOL after i say something…i take it as you being sarcastic…which would actually be good…Examples…”and that’s the end of my story”… Suddenly someone in the corner as the whole room is quiet yells L..O..L. Could also work if someone is being a whiney bitch and no one wants to hear the story. ”So then my dog died” LOL!!!! BOOM ROASTED!
I have notes here that say: Fail Boat Records 1) Noah 2) Columbus turned asians into bad drivers…What the fuck? See you know how you all think that my thoughts are random…there might be a serious problem now, when i can’t even decipher my own fucked up thoughts.
…when i remember what that whole thing means….i’ll get to the next blog..
T-Pain and Aim
So before I go any further…here is the first track created by the best app to ever grace the iPhone. Yeah you’ve probably already guessed it. Its the I am T-pain app…which gives you access to the Auto Tuner. Here is Ant’s first attempt titled “Match.fiona”
http://iamtpain.smule.com/mysongs/uid/1/26935/?did=1925142
Yes, this is just the start…”Small world Big Pockets” is already in the works and is sure to be heard in clubs nationwide in weeks to come.
So anyways, you remember Aim? It seems pretty much non-existent now. But from its beginning all the way through college days. Aim was a staple of life. It all started when you had to pick your first Aim name. You have one shot to come up with something that perfectly represents you without coming out as a D-bag or seeming too unoriginal, and was there anything more frustrating than putting in a name just to find out it was already taken. I had the same name from high school until now. I don’t like it, but you see you hit that point in time where there was too much of an investment to change the name to something else. Basically for the same reason why parents don’t want to move their kids to another school in the middle of high school. Its a big hassle. You have to make all new friends, try to stay in touch with the old ones…its all one big cluster fuck. It was hard enough to adjust just seeing an existing friend had changed their screen name. If i tried it myself, I don’t even want to think about the consequences. Having to go back through your whole list and re-compile your screen names…fuck that shit.
Though lets admit, who REALLY talked to everyone on their Buddy List. It just got to be where it was a sense of pride, you didn’t want to be the loser with like 20 people on there. You wanted to seem popular. “oh wait, i can’t add you to my buddy list. Its full, let me delete someone real quick so i can open the door for your new found friendship”.
Then you had the all important away message. What were you going to use your away messages for!?! Accurate representations of what you are actually doing (some what like a tweet) witty commentary on life or your observations, funny quotes to embarrass your friends, song lyrics, quotes from famous people. Yet another set of monumental decisions that needed to be made to make sure you were observed in the light you wanted to be. I was more of the random away message, very rarely did my away message actually show what i was doing. I didn’t think it was a big deal ,but since Aim away messages and profiles at that time was the closest thing we had to facebook stalking, it did create a stir at times. You know which away message person i hated? The “every away message is tied to an inside joke with my boyfriend/girlfriend” and always ended with “I love you (insert embarrassing nickname)”. You had away message wars. Remember seeing those, it was like watching a really lame car wreck (like two smart cars…and watching the people cry..not because their cars are bent up, but because it hurt the environment), though i bet most of us were involved in an away message altercation a time or two. Someone is pissed off at someone else and has decided to reveal a deep dark secret about them through an away message…the salvo has been fired. You can either follow suit and reveal their secret, try to debunk their current argument, or just get personal with that shit…If you are a Buddy on both of their lists….Enjoy, just sit back and enjoy the virtual fireworks.
Then you had your Profile. Oh so important. What are you going to include in here. Obviously unless you wanted your girlfriend to break up with you, it needed some kind of homage to them…it was Aims example of the facebook relationship confirmation. You could wait a while on it, but eventually you were going to be expected to do it…ESPECIALLY if she already had something up in her profile. Now i was a fan of the small font initials, or some sort of abbreviation. They get what they want (to be recognized on the profile) and i get what i want, not to look like too much of a pussy. Because we all knew the person that had the 50 point font fucking paragraph to their significant other…i had to invest in so many new keyboards after throwing up all over it after reading one of those.
What else are you going to put in there though…meaningful thoughtful quotes? song lyrics? favorite sports teams records? Organizations you are in? Now that i think about it some of those were kind of odd…and admittedly i used them. Hey, i wanna know more about Rudy, ok here’s JMU football, The Packers and the Cubs’ records, oh and he’s in TKE..that’s it? Yup.
But those aren’t the only decisions. Font type…choose carefully don’t wanna look like a creeper, or a homo gay. What’s the backround color going to be…NO! don’t pick lime green, what? you want everyone to think you’re a spaz? Nope, black is kosher, white is fine, but make sure you have your different areas in your profile divided up by different colors and backrounds you are writing in…no need to be a lame ass. Or what about the classic Profile prank…you just write “No information provided” oh boy! you got em! The jokes on them! Because you DO have a profile! You just wrote exactly what it would say if you didn’t!
So now you have your Aim set up. Now you send out your first few IMs and as you sit on your Extra Long Twin sized bed watching TV, or contemplating how much beer your can drink and still get your homework done, you are awaiting that comforting sound…that sound that verifies that YES you DO have a social…*Bludoop* (my best attempt at the sound). You stop whatever it is doing whether you are talking to a live person in the room, or performing life saving surgery. Cuz shit, its an IM you don’t know what kind of earth shattering information is included. If its a girl, how quick do you answer back, don’t wanna look to anxious, oh shit! accidently hit a key. Is it showing up as “currently typing a message” on her screen now, please don’t let that happen…hopefully she didn’t see it, no i’m probably fine i’ll wait a couple minu..*bludoop* “hey you there”. Fuck, so much for that, I’ll just make up a random important event i’ve gotta do and then put up a clever away message…Phew! crisis adverted!
You remember the party aspect of AIM too? Want more people at your party but don’t REALLY want to talk to everyone on your buddy list. Put that shit in your profile and on your away messages. Then you can also scour all of your other Buddy’s profiles and away messages on the weekend if you didn’t know of anything and chances are that you’ll find one. Oh shit, hey guys! i found a party, I mean its the guy that i only talked to once last semester from my GSCI101 class but i’m sure its cool if we roll 20 deep to his party.
…Now AIM is all but forgotten. It is like your favorite toy you had during childhood that you accidently stumble over when you are in the attic. You look at it, hold it, laugh, and put it back..remembering all the fun times you had, but knowing, ultimately, you’ve outgrown each other. So AIM to you…i again say goodbye…and thank you.
Shawne Merriman Chokes Tila Tequila…and ridiculous things i did make up.
Yup thats right! Shawne Merriman choked Tila Tequila (#mce_temp_url#). If that didn’t just brighten your day i don’t know what could. That had me laughing my ass off on the way to work. How…when you are in your mid 20s and making millions of dollars as a pro athlete decide you need to scrape the bottom of the barrel of the gene pool when you decide who you need to hook up with next. Though i do see a similar nickname “Lights Out” because a) Tila Tequila is an idiot and B) its what you should do hooking up with her….she looks like a skank wrapped in a whore…encased in a hooker. Shawne’s lawyer is confident that he will be acquitted of all charges, and says that Merriman was trying to keep her out of danger. What it has been alluded to is that Merriman was trying to keep her from drinking and driving (which combined with the choking and her whorish tendancies obviously mean her next show will be “double fisting with tila tequila). Now while that could be a noble act…she weighs what? 100lbs? You’re an NFL linebacker…just stand in her way…no need for the choking…well accept to ensure she stopped that annoying ass voice to make any more apperances.
So in related news….
I’ve decided that i should take up a second job.
That’s right…A clown…specializing in kid’s parties.
Now introducing….STRUGGLES THE CLOWN!
That’s right parents for a low fee of $500 Struggles the clown will show up to your kid’s party….What will $500 get you? Balloon Animals?
Nah…Struggles doesn’t fuck with any of that gay shit.
Struggles shows up to your party with a bottle of jack and alot of problems/shit to get off his chest. He may even disenfranchise the american dream for your boy or girl AND all of their friends? (i’m 85% sure i used disenfranchise wrong)
Also, his closing act is sweating profusely while doing simple tasks!
That’s right…again this can all be yours for the low low price of $500
Back to the sweating point…I was in a full on fucking sweat after a game of laser tag…everyone else is just standing out side to cool off and i come out and look like i ran a god damned marathon! Two things played through my head the whole time during laser tag…Jimi Hendrix….and the Robocop theme…as i wasted teenagers one by one…It was like fucking Columbine in there by the time i was done. I was WAY too proud being the high scorer on my team (twice i might add….if theres a war in the future and you guys use laser guns and you’re reading blogs looking for recruits…fucking beam me up!). I think it would definitely be worth getting kicked out for yelling “this is sparta! and booting some random kid in the chest”
Speaking of dressing up like clowns….New Halloween ideas: Zombie Billy Mays (credit JMU Mike) and Ted Kennedy….Throw in Princess Di and you have the “Too Soon? Trio”
So i just want to put this out there. Me finally having sex again is the 3rd least probable thing to happen on the planet right behind when Moses parted the red sea and later joined the NRA
Guys i finally figured it out….JMU mike operates in the central time zone…hence why you normally need to add an hour to any of his given estimates of time.
There is some stupid shit kids do or say that i find hilarious/Things that are too adorable not to mention that Pockets says…
You amember when….(also known as instant nostalgia…when little kids want to reminisce about what you literally JUST did)
Ima be a Moosey when im big! (and other assorted dumbass aspirations)
Spaghetti sauce makes me hot when i eat it (credit ant)
Rudy told me you can’t stand on clouds…you can stand on clouds right (pouty/angry face)
The easiest way to get pockets to do chores….Just tell him Santas gonna leave him a lump of coal this year if he doesn’t do them….Shit i get home an hour later the place is spotless and cookies are baked (don’t worry in his easy bake…wouldn’t let him use the real one…actually…i can’t lie…pockets is a phenom in the kitchen. Ladies let this man cook for you…and then have sex with you)
Ant, i was gonna pick you up an eagles shirt but they were all out of your size….Apparently they have never carried a Mens Perfect at Old Navy…oh well…I tried
I’m pretty sure they play non-stop mix Creed, Lou Bega, and Black eyed peas on the fail boat
The only part of the black eyed peas that doesn’t fail are Fergie’s “lady lumps”
The Black Eyed Peas are more like an edgy Disney music act than they are a legit hip hop act these days….Once upon a time they made good music…pre-fergie days. But hey…i can’t fault them…they got retarded…and made millions…its the eli manning retirement plan..
Oh…lets add Sam Bradford to the retarded athlete club…soon he, phelps and manning will be photographed by the paparazzi playing blocks and trucks together.
You know what sucks about having a receeding hairline and sort of thinning hair…other than the obvious. One it is receeding and thinning hair…Its not like…you yeah…my hair receeded…its done with that shit now…or my hair thinned out…nope…it doesn’t stop till end game when i’m bald before i’m 30.
What else sucks about it you wonder? I’ll tell ya! When you’ve gone too long without a hair cut your hair is all over the place because its growing at different lengths/rates. So it basically looks like you have patchwork on your scalp. Then you finally get it cut to clean that shit up just so that you can have your new shittier hairline revealed to you…Fuck that shit.
Anyways…happy Holiday blog…eat this shit up.
Tax Masters….taking Billy Mays’ spot
So the dude from Tax Masters is the first person to step up and attempt to fill the giant void left by Billy Mays’ passing ,because Vince Shamoli is too busy punching hookers to get anything done….But on the beard front…welcome in a new champ…..Patrick Cox!
I don't suggest googling "Images patrick cox" unless you like gay porn.
Now this is a crappy picture…because the man is an enigma…you just have to hope….and pray…and then hope some more that you catch his epic masterpiece that is the Tax Masters commercial. Not only is this man’s beard the size of 3-4 full grown adult heads…There is not a hair out of place..oh and its bright orange. Its like if bozo the clown was snuggling with him.
So here is how sad the day has become….my original plans were to move stuff off of my bedroom floor so the carpet cleaners could get to it…and then play some hockey.
Actual events:
Woke up to tell the carpet cleaners not to go into my room.
Started playing Batman on the 360 and ended up playing too long…thus missing out on hockey.
Girlfriend woke up at 3
….We are conductors of the fail boat. A mythical vessel seen only by those with the capacity for pathetic amounts of failure in short amounts of time. Fuck the queen anne’s revenge…its all about the fail boat these days….And this boat will only be seen sailing in circles, dropping its anchor through the harbor, or beaching itself.
Anyways…back to Batman….The video game is awesome…but so is the superhero…One reason why i am partial to Sarcasmo is that she was actually able to come up with an argument on why Batman is the best superhero…basically because he is a normal person that just spent a shit ton of money on himself to be more awesome. Though you know what major villain in the batman world wont be topping any ‘top villain’ lists any time soon? The Riddler. The Riddler is busch league drenched in weak sauce. He’s supposed to be super smart…but if he’s so smart why does he always leave clues behind to catch him? I would think if you are a super smart criminal you would get away with the crime…end of story. Leave a calling card if you must…but riddles…not only is that lame….but the fact that when you’re locked up and people ask how you got caught you have to tell them its because of a riddle. ”No seriously, I thought that shit was clever and unbeatable”
So why do men always get pegged by women as being “bad communicators”? We may communicate differently…but if women are master communicators then why do they hate each other so much? You poll random groups of girls on which sex is easier to get along with….and i bet men win hands down. Also, I know a lot of girls that say “girls are bitchy” i mainly have guy friends…..Finally, go out with a group of girls…and let me know if the night doesn’t somehow end in a drama fest, tears, or some kind of fight. There we go…guys win hands down. Have you ever seen how girls try to deal with their problems with each other….that’s right underhanded…bitch comments in public. Guys tend to talk to the other guy they are having the problem with face to face…and then either figure out if A) they need to fight B) the dude is a dick and no longer needs to be a friend or C) Everything is fine.
This leads me to think that cash for clunkers should have been extended to women/girlfriends/wives. Swap them bitchy, shitty, ugly ones out, get rid of them leaving only the good ones with the new girlfriend smell left….sounds like a great deal. Not to mention the fact that guys would want to buy their new and improved lady friends all sorts of shit…thus boosting the economy.
You know the two best moments in life…the first time entering a vagina…and the first time you see a girl take off her bra…I feel like there should be blinding explosions of golden light shining around these areas. Either one of these things happens you know there is no turning back…you’ve done it! All the work you may have been putting in that night…or past weeks..dates….they have finally amounted to a physical payout…and now its time for you to collect….awesome.
You remember the early days of the internet….the days when you were just happy you didn’t have to use the card catalogue or dewy decimal system in your library any more. The time of Napster where having music on a file seemed like fucking magic….when i would anxiously await my song to download in a mere 30 minutes! I had something like 700 songs on Napster…at 30 mintues a pop…and i can almost guarantee that looking back at that song list now would be quite embarassing…I know there was ALLLOOOOT of Limp Bizkit on it. And at my house we had Prodigy Online at our house before AOL
You remember Prodigy online?….those were the days…just basically a bunch of message boards…and i thought that shit was awesome…I also thought that you were anonymous online…I forgot that whatever name i chose on the message board was linked to my dad’s email. Imagine my dad’s shock when he was getting random e-mails cussing him out because his dumbass son decided to post shit talk on a wide assortment of these forums….Oops…
Well i’ve obviously learned my lesson….i’ve upgraded to blogging.
I’ll get to AOL and Aim on my next blog…because starting now would turn this current blog into a novel.
Ok…that’s it folks…gotta leave some material for tomorrow so i don’t take another month off.
