Jesus, US Soccer, Carbon Emission, and Short people jokes
My Blog’s full of so much shit it needed to get a shunt put in to keep it running.
Off Yourself: US Soccer Team
Seriously, none of us give a shit about your team. Then you do something great (like beat Spain) to get everyone interested…play competitively with Brazil…but blow dick in Mexico…Again…We have a 74 year losing streak in the country of Mexico….They once chanted Osama Bin Laden’s name during a game. And we just lay back and take it. The only things Mexico should consistently beat us in are: Poverty Levels, Letters in their alphabet, and Swine Flu cases. Lets just implode the team…disband the MLS and just take the extra money to make the Bengals and Lions good. Because all Soccer does in the US is serve as a let down.
So i read an article that says the other great threat that goes with the increase in carbon emission is Ocean Acidification. They said that the ocean’s acidity has doubled since the Industrial Revolution and that it is primed to cause many shellfish to go extinct (all according to USA Today). Now…let me ask this question…if it has doubled since the Industrial Revolution…then show me the huge amount of shellfish species that have been wiped out because of it….So my point is…unless the ocean is going to SUDDENLY double its acidity…then shut the fuck up. Because there is this thing called adaptation…and if the change is gradual…there is a TON of time to reverse the trends before whole species are actually affected. The thing i think of to kind of support their argument would be slowly boiling a lobster in water….its fine if you increase it a degree at a time…then before you know it…its dead…well that’s the thing though. Don’t act like we are going to wake up in a couple years and all the shellfish are going to be shell less and dead (though can you think of the implications of shellfish not having shells! Its awesome! Great seafood but without the work? Sign me up…i’m just going to back my car up to the ocean and leave the fucking engine running in hopes of softshell crabs and lobsters crawling out).
So i was watching the documentary “Jesus Camp” and its all about these crazy people that run a camp where at one point they bless a cardboard cut out of George Bush….Pray in tounges….and declare war not only on every other religion but also other christians that aren’t as bat shit crazy as them. Some little girl is handing out religious pamphlets to “whoever god tells her to” and is all happy as she has an awkward overly excited exchange with a random chick in the bowling alley. Another kid is already doing sermons…he’s like 8. And has a rat tail that’s about 8 inches….That right there should be enough to know he’s gone the wrong way. If god is behind EVERY SINGLE DECISION/EVENT that happens in his life…then God must hate him…because i don’t think a just God would let a kid walk around with such a huge fucking rat tail.
Also, this fat bitch that leads the group talks about how she envies how Muslims are able to preach Jihad and train kids to become suicide bombers. At one time she actually says “I wish that christianity in the US had this same sort of passion”. Wow….yeah…that’s what we are missing in America….kids blowing themselves up so they can take out people without the same beliefs as them….Nothing more american if you ask me…
Pockets Jokes:
For the last time pockets NO we cannot use The Wiggles Live to “get the party started”
Everyone tune into Nick Jr. we taped pockets getting ready for work he should be on Yo Gabba Gabba this afternoon.
Remember when you’re with Pockets at the pool not to let him swim until 30 minutes have passed after his last snack.
Ant…its your turn to pack a week’s worth of Pockets’ lunches for his trip next week….and if you give him more than 3 cookies for desert…you get to deal with him until the sugar buzz crashes
I was going to go out tonight…but its SO HARD to find a good sitter for Pox on a friday night
For the last time pockets I WILL NOT play Hi Ho Cherry-Oh with you
Pockets! no more Capri Suns if you can’t stop from poking holes all the way through it.
Shit! Ant…its Pockets’ turn to bring snacks…Can you pick up some Star Crunches from Giant?
Pockets uses one of those hooded sesame street towels when he gets out of the shower.
Pockets got in a fight last weekend and lost a tooth….it was such a pain in the ass leaving the dollar underneath his pillow
Pockets, you might as well give up on the vegtables…despite what your mom told you…you’re not gonna grow.
The crazy guy next door was lecturing his imaginary friend about how they: “never slept on a floor, never brought orange slices after games, never bled on the court, never stacked the chairs, that’s why they are a bull shit fucking faggot factory”
Death To Pockets?
So i was pissed off at work last night and just pictured doing the “hopping fuck you dance” which i think would amount to hopping back from one foot to the other while furiously pumping arms and flicking off everything in sight. See…it was the 8th day i had worked in a row and on top of that a lot of small things kept on adding up to make it worse…However, now….freedom…two days off…
So as you have become accustomed to by now…i think of a lot of random shit….mental diarrhea of last night
How is one diagnosed with the blue box blues? (you remember…I’ve got the blues (kraft macaroni)…later on in the song…if daddy wants to please me! He’s only gotta Cheeeeese me! I’ve. Got. The. Blues)
I just wish it was clinically diagnosed…Sorry Mr. and Mrs. Nocturnal Rudy…it seems as though he has the blue box blues….I slowly look over to see my sad young son slumped in the corner….I recommend doses of this STAT says the doctor (as he tosses over the dinosaur shaped macaroni).
I feel like for women though the blue box blues is something that happens after a vicious railing….and is diagnosed by an OB/GYN.
A funny thought to me was adding a lot of profanity while playing games with children….This is funny to me because it is pay back for them having such strict imaginary rules…If you’ve ever tried playing games with a kid then you know what i mean….”no you’re not doing it right”…. This animal is friends with this one…and these have to walk like this…HOLY CRAP for it being make believe it sure is fucking specific…anyways…here’s how it would go.
“Rudy…Rudy…you wanna play animals” says small cousin
Sure I says….
(a little while later while marching around small plastic animals on the carpet….boredom…as well as annoyance at the high ability i seem to have at breaking every god damn rule in animals…it is time for the profanity to make an appearance)
“OH SHIT, THE FUCKIN MONKEYS BROKE OUT OF THE ZOO”
(at this point i would not look over…I’d just look real serious and flustered….but out of the corner of my eye i would get to see one very shocked 6 year old)
“OH FUCK GET THE PEOPLE AWAY…OH THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE…RUUUUNNNN”
(and then i toss the toys and disappear upstairs.)
…I think this would buy me ample time before i’m asked to play fuckin’ animals again.
…And the threat of me not playing car tag (me chasing him and his sister around with a remote control car…which is their favorite game) will hold them telling the aunt or uncle anything…
You think the celebrities on the cover of magazines like ‘People’ know what headline is going to read underneath the picture they are taking….Because it seems like they should pretty much always know its not good. Have you ever seen a ‘People’ cover that says anything other than…so and so’s a hoe bag….this celebrity is fat….cheater this…love triangle that. I just thought it was funny…because Jon from “Jon and Kate + 8″ was on the cover with this odd smile as the headline read “People need to stop blaming me”. It seemed like a middle finger, or straight face ATLEAST would have been more appropriate.
I can’t take Flo Rida songs any more….They ALL SOUND THE SAME. Its his weird kind of monotone sub-par rapping…and the same chick in the chorus. He’s probably bobbing around in the video…wearing his same sun glasses so you can’t see that his eyes are abnormally small…and waving the shirt around that was supposed to be used to protect him from the elements. Also i feel like he’s always standing still being rotated in a circle in his videos….I just cant take his weird delivery or the girl that sung “you spin me right round baby..right round”. I also don’t like it when people don’t realize songs are re-makes…because then they give the person doing the cover way too much credit for their originality. But hey…i can’t really blame my roommates TOO much…they refer to the whole genre of rock as “oh that song was on guitar hero”
So i know we aren’t calling him Pockets anymore…but as a last stand…atleast one pockets joke will be made in each blog this week…ending with a Pockets joke blowout.
Anything funnier then picturing Miami Pockets? All white two sizes two large suit…a pencil mustache…and a fedora. He’s sloppily eating a snow cone and listening to Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5″ all day long.
So does anyone else find the fact that Shark Week still gets such high ratings a little suprising? I mean…its not like we are finding new sharks all over the place…How many hours can you show dudes in cages with sharks? How many hours can you have long drawn out accounts of shark attacks…Shark Week take about 32 normal weeks off…and come back when you have significant shark developments…which i don’t really foresee happening anytime soon.
So i don’t feel like getting political this blog…but maybe next blog i’ll get into my disappointment with Barrack Obama…Sotomayor getting into the Supreme Court (I wonder if everything in the supreme court comes with tomatoes and sour cream….I just figure the whole world operates like taco bell)…
Adam, Eve, Sour Dicks, Billy Mays and The Clintons
Yeah, hold on…its gonna get a little weird
So have you ever thought about if the whole adam and eve thing was the other way around….Like if adam was created from eve’s ribs? Yeah weird huh…but awesome..
Because then sex could be a kind act…it would be the act of the dude trying to give back the bone that we once took away from them…
Now i don’t believe in the Adam and Eve story…call me crazy but i just don’t think the world started as a kick ass garden and the only thing people weren’t allowed to do is eat apples…
(also if eating an apple was the big shitty thing that kicked everything off then why does apple have such awesome products….am i the anti-christ? I’m tying on a Mac and i own an iPhone…shit……wait…i mean…ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE ME)
…Anyways, back to that crazy story….So the ONE FOOD we can’t eat are apples…why not candy bars or fried chicken or something unhealthy…an apple a day keeps the doctor away….and God…yeah don’t forget about that..
So i really think the Adam and Eve story was created more to warn women about what happens when you nag men too much….finally the man caves in so you stop yappin…and BAM now you get periods and experience pain during child birth…Happy now?
I want to use the expression “kill two birds” in situations that don’t warrant it.
“Yeah I decided to leave work early today” I says
“Why”
“Kill two birds man”
Then i walk away leaving the person scratching their heads….
Or maybe i’ll only say it when i’m really craving to kill two birds….but killing two birds with one stone…while impressive…really could only work with flightless birds…and that seems like an unfair fight…How bout…killing two birds with another fucking birds….just winging a fucking sparrow at some crows and knockin the beaks off of em.
…now that’s some shit worthy of a saying.
So i bought an ice cream truck the other day….And i thought…i’m not a molester…but those kids aren’t gonna fuck themselves…
and not effin those kids would be like Paul McCarthy’s ex-wife walking into a prosthetics convention and still coming out with a limp.
So I want to televise the “Crazy World Series” It would pit an ex-girlfriend we’ll call her…. “Not Haley” against the crazy next door neighbor. Its a best of 3 series…
Game one….crying after sex Vs. Loud racial slurs
NH wins in a landslide
game two….
Threatening to kill herself after a break-up Vs. Having loud screaming matches with himself and following it up with steely dan and smoking weed
Goes to crazy guy…for the unexpected aspect…i mean NH…that just seems natural.
The final match-up….
A half page e-mail stating “I love you and want to have sex with you” typed repeatedly… VS. the phrase “eagle faggot”
Winner: Crazy Neighbor
This is due to the fact that crazy neighbor says shit like this all the time…i had the idea for the crazy world series two days ago…and was thinking about the time he yelled loudly about how black his asshole is….or the time when he was yelling at alex trebec on TV telling him how he could define words for him all day…This dude is classic.
So at work we sell Sluggles….they are “Gummy Slugs”….so gummy bears…i don’t know why i like eating cute little bears…but fine…gummy worms…kind of gross but they just look like really long strings of the gummy candies….but Sluggles (a Wonka Candy) look like fucking slugs….i just don’t know why i’d be in the mood to ingest delicious tasting horrible looking candies. I guess this is like Andrew Zimmeran training.
The next candy was called sour mushrooms or something….but they all looked like dick heads…so i figured it should just be called sour dicks….And teach girls to keep sucking till its all in your tummy….i feel like Obama could make this into a public works program…fuck the CCC…that’s right its a FDR depression reference.
Did you hear about the mom that was driving back from NY drunk and high and killed herself and 3 nieces by driving the wrong way on the highway…that shit is FUCKED! Not just because they all died but because she got off easy…she never had to live with the guilt or face the parents of the kids….atleast the kids didn’t suffer long…but she…SHE should have suffered for a long ass time ate away by guilt and the penal system
Other current events…or semi-current…you hear how N.Korea made fun of Hillary (secretary of state) but Bill Fucking Clinton who holds no office waltzes into their country and gets the journalists back….
You know what this has taught us….Hillary Clinton is the only woman that can be amasculated
So remember back when i said billy mays was on coke?
Oh you don’t believe i’m the new fucking Nostrodamus…check this shit out
http://nocturnalrudy.wordpress.com/2008/11/20/double-your-funeli-manningbilly-maysand-more/
…yeah that was in Novemeber…when i said billy Mays was on coke…
Now if you don’t know what I’m talking about…a report recently came out saying the cocaine played a major role in billy mays’ death…from consistent usage it gave him heart problems and according to the toxicology reports he had used as soon as a day before his death…CHUUUH…MOTHER FUCKING CHING….Call me Columbo…Fuck CSI…just call me…
I had that shit months ago..
You know what fuck Nostrodamus…AND the Mayan calendar…i’m more relevant and ALIVE then both of those fuckers….Oh yeah…way to go Mayans…you made a decent calendar…too bad you weren’t alive to see any of that shit come true….
Still got more juice left…but we’ll stretch that to another blog…
My Life Feels Like A Mary J Blige Song
Seriously…i just realized yesterday…I have spent all this time thinking about how bad the night shift is…and all the stuff i can’t do. Just like mary j blige songs….oh poor me i got beat by my boyfriend and there was nothing i could do….Seriously…Mary J should just go Lez and then we’d all get more upbeat songs…
In much the same way…I’ve decided to play hockey again…I originally quit…after playing from 3rd grade until junior year of college…because the last time i played i was getting owned every game and decided that due to my competitiveness i could no longer play…because i couldn’t take playing and not being good….but what i didn’t think about was the fact that I would play in summer leagues, jumping straight into games with no practices or anything….and unfortunately when you play goalie your mistakes tend to be seen a LITTLE more than other peoples….seeing as though when you make a mistake you have to fish a puck out of the net and wait for the refs to continue the game…
Anyways, i’ve decided…i’m playing again….i have been trying to find so many different hobbies and the whole time i had one…and one that even agrees with my crazy ass schedule…shit i’d let up 15 fucking goals every night Vs. just sitting around bored on days off…
…so as Mary says…no more drama? Except for when i’m sayin it…it doesn’t sound as whiney and sad still.
One of my pet peeves…people that use excessive shorthand while texting….brb..lol…btw…all fine as far as i’m concerned but when you can write a whole paragraph in two sentences because no word/phrase contains more than three letters…that’s a problem…And the alarming thing was that i realized this when someone from work was texting me….Now if you are just dicking around with your friends…it may be annoying but i can deal with that…however when you start deciding that you want your boss to think you are semi-retarded by saying things like ‘dis’ ‘nyt’ ‘wen’. Seriously…technology is supposed to both aid and make life easier but…its not SUPPOSED to make us all dumber.
The Al is coming down…but nothing can even get remotely crazy since all my days off have been taken away from me this week….again…mother fuckers
So as much as i hate twitter that shit is gaining way too much power…now NFL teams and other sports teams are fining their players because of the stupid shit they are saying on it….Yeah i know it seemed like a good idea Cromartie…to tell the whole world through twitter that you don’t think your team has won super bowls because of the shitty food at camp…but why don’t you stop and think for a second…
As ridiculous as it is that twitter is gaining all this power…its more ridiculous that people don’t think before they say shit on that site…and facebook for that matter (though i do keep in mind that i am ranting about that while speaking into my keyboard with my fingers on the interweb waiting for someone to connect the dots and fire my ass)
But seriously….i would expect that to happen if the higher ups caught wind of this blog…however, whenever an athlete or celebrity gets caught about that shit they seem completely taken aback.
Paula Abdul announces that she’s not joining american idol this season….through twitter…
Twitter is just further alleviating the need for actual physical conversation. Between twitter, facebook, e-mail, g chat, aim, and text messaging…there is no real need to talk to people…and when you’re not plugged into your computer…just throw your iPod earbuds in…THANK GOD…now you don’t need to talk to ANYONE!
Internet Porn is boring kids when it comes to sex before they’ve even had it…case in point…have you heard that bestiality among youth is on the rise? They say the reason why is because they are looking for another “taboo” since sex is all over the place and seems normal now.
So the newest kings of leon CD is good
So is the newest Silversun Pickups….it took a few listens first though
Watch Californication (yeah i know i’m a LITTLE late)
Join me in boycotting harry potter
and don’t forget to use a towel.
