A DMV Visit vs. Jail Time
So i had to get my license renewed today…and i hate the DMV so much that i waited literally until the last possible day…seeing as though my license expires tomorrow…and i was thinking it would be pretty hard to hit bars for the birthday celebrations with an expired ID….Though its not too convenient to carry around a full sheet of paper either…but we’ll get to that.
I basically dread DMV trips worse than Jail…and though i’ve never gone to jail…i haven’t heard good things…but i think i’d rather serve the time I would spend at the DMV in jail…shit…i’d lump all my DMV visits into one jail visit….yeah…while i’m in here…might as well hit me for address change, license plates, ID, registration, you know…the works..
And to the smart ass that brings up that you can do this online….fuck you….because it still sucks…the DMV the only organization that makes an online transaction take a week….
So on the site it really promotes doing everything online and skipping the horrible visit to one of their buildings (its sad when they know they are so horrible that they are saying…do it online…trust us…you don’t want to meet us in person). But anyways, you have to get a PIN to do transactions…well while most places would just send you an e-mail with your PIN…the DMV site mails it to you…yup..that’s right…snail mails it to you….so the DMV is halfway into the modern age…but still wants to make sure to annoy you as much as possible during any sort of dealings with them…
So anyways…here starts my visit to the DMV…
I pull in the parking lot and am going for one of the close spots…this involves a left turn….its at this time i realize all the spots are full and the parking lot is one way…So i’m laughing my ass off to myself as i have to do a U-Turn and come back into the parking lot again…all i could picture is people watching from the security camera and just making a mental note to deny my right to drive.
So i get inside…and there is the typical slow moving line…But to my suprise….after entering at 8:28 i’m out by 8:50….that wasn’t so painful…oh but wait i forgot about interaction with DMV employees.
So i get up to the desk and the lady just glares at me as i say good morning….she only states “this isn’t filled out” she doesn’t point out what is missing…only picks up the paper and hands it to me…waiting for me to survey it and find out what’s incorrect. So we fix that and now its time for the picture….But just to be difficult the camera is in a fixed position and so cannot be adjusted to my height….so she asks me to crouch….and then lower…and then lower still…so i’m basically doing a wall sit but with nothing to brace against….then she’s constantly making minor adjustments to where my head needs to be…but all the while carrying on a personal conversation….finally the picture is taken….Again she stops to talk to this guy….then asks for my signature…then more talking…seriously…between every minor action was about 30 seconds of talking. She asks me to sign a sheet of paper and i hand it back to her and start walking out….She starts laughing and says…this is your temporary license…
What the fuck…come on now DMV…you couldn’t have printed it out in some sort of business card size…or something that can actually fit in a wallet or pocket with ease? Instead you decide that you need to take a full sheet of paper to do this….and then she adds insult to injury…”oh you’ll get your actual license in about 2 weeks”
Holy SHIT i hate the DMV
The fact that every employee i’ve ever dealt with at a DMV acts like i took a shit in their air vent and pissed on their faces is uncalled for…I work fucking retail…AND i work overnight….so the whole thankless job excuse is dead to me…almost as dead as those cold DMV eyes were that were staring at me…judging me.
So knowing i had to go to the DMV was bad enough…but the fact that i had a “feedback session” on why i didn’t get through interviews to get a 10% raise before all of this added jet fuel to the inferno. This feedback session should have been titled “bullshit reasons why Rudy didn’t get a raise: Rehashing your anger” or….”Why its your fault i didn’t listen to a word you said in interviews”. Seriously….i know what i said to the questions…and the feedback they had came out of left field…..you would have thought i delivered my interview answers through cans connected by strings by the amount of shit they got wrong….Even my boss a few times stopped the feedback session to say either “he does do that” or “that doesn’t make sense”. Either way its over…but…doesn’t change the fact that it sucks.
I want to see a Lego set that has a suggested age of like 22 and up on it….One because it would be the most bad ass Lego set ever…and two because watching little kids lose their shit while their parents tell them its to hard for them and they can’t get it would be hilarious.
So i like how people think organic means healthy….at my store i saw this packaging made to be healthy for “organic onion rings”…you’re still eating fucking onion rings…its still a fried onion…it just got dowsed in smugness first.
Why are there vegetarians against eating eggs? They are just failed babies…its not like you’re really killing anything right?
Why does my apartment complex have frosted glass or no window at all on all the entrance/exit doors in the stairwells and all entrances to the building other than the front one. Maybe its not a problem for most people…but when you work overnight….like this guy…you’re entering the stairwells as everyone else is leaving them…so everytime i have to slowly open the door and peer around to make sure i’m not about to break noses…and then there is the other way…where someone comes bounding out the door and smacks into me. If you are a girl with nice breasts and there is just the right kind of impact that’s cool…but its yet to happen.
Holy crap…i’m back to almost daily blogs again…serves your right for not calling me a “real blogger”…yeah that’s right Ant, suck it.
Watch Eastbound and Down
Vaginas and Jazzercise
So this is why being a supporter of jazzercising could be considered embarrassing.
So I saw someone on the way home with a jazzercise bumper sticker on their car….That is either someone completely comfortable with themselves…or someone with ABSOLUTELY no clue how lame Jazzercise is. Now, to get over the embarrassment of performing the act seems like a feat in itself. Then…admitting to a friend or family member that you enjoy jazzercise seems to be a bit unneeded. Then….you go even further….you decide to make jazzercise into a daily speech topic…Finally, you have reached the point in the life where you have hit rock bottom…that’s right you think its time for you to buy a jazzercise bumper sticker….that’s right you’ve got your tights with your thick scrunched socks straight from the 80s on…and lets face is jazzercise has revolutionized your life….its time for the whole fucking world to see….Here’s how lame jazzercise is to me…i see the fat ass that lost weight by walking to get his food as more impressive….but i don’t see people sporting ‘Subway’ bumper stickers all over the place….Seriously…keep that jazzercise shit inside…no one needs to hear about that.
Now…on to the furthest topic from our opening one….Vagina….I don’t know if i’ve brought this up before…but calling a guy a pussy is the closest thing to a dude calling a girl a cunt…and while it may not be equally offensive…i can guarantee even if you don’t see it….if you’re a chick and you call a guy a pussy…his ego has deflated and his balls have started trying to climb back inside him….Though you could use this to your advantage, cuz a guy will stop at nothing to make sure the girl no longer thinks he’s a pussy.
Speaking of pussy….it has to be the most volatile thing on the planet…i mean i know uranium and all that nuke shit isn’t anything to fuck with…but can you think of anything that has caused so much good AND evil….I say that pussy is simultaneously responsible for most major advances/advances in human history (to get the girl) as well as the source for most blood shed, war, and evil doing (either jealousy, showing power, or to make the smart inventory dude look inferior…by kicking his ass). Its just crazy man…Just as humans have evolved and advanced so has their techniques to pound the vag. I’m pretty sure King Tut got burried in that gold thing to try to lock himself up some afterlife pussy. George Michael…why else would he willingly wear those jeans….oh yeah…he’s sucks on cocks…uhhhh…why else would elton john wear such extravagent…shit….anyways you get the point.
So if i didn’t care about a relationship and i wanted to break up with a girl…doing so through strange movie references would be fun i feel like.
This example would be from Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome
Well baby…you know what they say…”Love is like the Thunderdome”
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT – girl of no real concern states
“Well you know…only one of us could come out on top” i say
What do you mean? This isn’t a competition…
“Tell that to Tina Turner…and that midget from the weird underground world…i bet they’d disagree” says this guy
God that movie was awful
So I’m going to end on a new segment that i will try to feature atleast every other blog…
It’s called….Why don’t you off yourself already and do us all a favor…
And todays winner is…
Brett Favre
Now anyone that knows me should know that i idolized brett favre…always my favorite football player…always had his back and told people “you just wait and see” while he had his bad years….Well i’m tired of this shit…for the last 5 or so years he has spent all summer before the season starts making my life a living hell…will i play or wont i? No more Packers…now the Jets…Ok i could get behind you there Brett…the jets were a young team…good talent..could have really taken that somewhere….But…kind of fucked that up huh? Well now on to the Vikings…the fact that you’d even consider playing for the Packers’ rivals is grounds for throwing a toaster in your tub…but then to string the organization along all summer….(them basically just needing a QB of anything higher than Middle School talent to be a super bowl favorite)….is pretty much bullshit…and as much as i want to think it was a last fuck you to your rival for so many years…its just fucking annoying…and all i could think was FINALLY. Finally no more crying press conferences…finally no more espn bottom lines clogged with the most trivial events of your days….no more quotes from you tarnishing your Packers legacy…..Go back down south…chill out there for a few years and give us all a breather….you’re done…thank god….Because at this point not even that couple year breather would be enough actually…I was thinking something along the lines of the high dive with a rope round your neck….which is of course carefully tethered to the ladder.
…Brett why did you have to hurt me so?
Music Advice:
Single:
Cage the elephant – ain’t no sleep for the wicked
Albums:
the Dead Weather – horehound
El-P – i’ll sleep when you’re dead
The Black Keys – Rubber Factory
Pepper – Kona Town
Parenting advice from a dude with no kids…
So I may not have kids….but i have owned and killed many a fish….so listen up
If you are a guy and you have a daughter I think i’ve finally found a way to put yourself at ease when it comes to worrying about your daughter getting railed ’till next tuesday.
When she turns 13….like ON HER 13th Birthday….Right after her party ends sit her down…
Say…do you like boys?
Do you want to look pretty?
Ok…that’s what I thought now watch this..
This is the point when you pop in your “the horrors of pregnancy ” video…I don’t know if they make them…you may have to sit through a lot of “A Baby Story” episodes on TLC…or panhandle for some tapes from some couples that are willing to part from them…
Either way you need to show the most gruesome vagina ripping…drain the color out of your face type of births you can find….Also, see if you can get some pictures of hot girls pre and post pregnancy..
Now this video would start with coldplay….and then the second the woman starts screaming it switches to “Let the bodies hit the floor” by Drowning Pool. Then its just fast and furious clips of horrific births…
And then you can finish it off by guys dumping the chicks and/or careers and dreams being shattered.
When its over and you look over at her poor quivering body….say…that’s what happens when you like boys…..Now who wants to hit the Harley and Timberland outlets?
So i just started watching the show Californication…its with the dude from the X-Files as an alcoholic writer that’s pretty much addicted to sex…Nearly every episode sports atleast one pair of tits…and if not that…there’s atleast a sex scene…drug use happens almost every episode…and the main character Hank is pretty much trashed the entire time….So why….during such a badass show…would the exterminator show up to the apartment?
….and why would it be the one part where Hank’s daughter is putting on a “rock” concert…
See let me set this up a little more…by having mornings and afternoons off people probably already think i’m some sort of sketch ball that doesn’t have a job. On top of that there is a screaming crazy next door…and people…if they don’t want to take the time might just peg me for the dude…since he doesn’t leave his apartment. Now because of screaming neighbor…i listen to TV loudly to drown him out….Only problem is that when the exterminator came to the door i couldn’t find the Xbox controller to pause the episode….
So basically his visit starts off strange….its taking me too long to answer the door as it sounds like i’ve got a fucking Miley Cyrus concert going on in my living room. So i get to the door and explain to him that all our ants are gone…but there’s kind of this awkward exchange….(as the concert is still going on in the backround) i’m kind of blocking him from coming into the apartment any further….I guess i didn’t want him to see what was on TV? Well now it just makes it seem even worse…
I should have let him in…bullshitted for a bit and waited for the concert to end and the sexin’ and boozin’ to start back up…but i didn’t think….and now this pest control guy probably thinks i’m an aspiring child molester.
So more evidence on why Pockets is the best nickname ever….Pirate Mike…My Roommate mike….no….its Pockets….He was born prematurely and was literally pocket-sized…he said he fit into his mom’s hand….so i of course picture newborn mike driving around in a remote control car like Stuart Fuckin’ Little. Or he actually went home in his moms pocket on the front of her shirt…..He actually fought the indian in the cupboard. His best friends as a baby were all the kids from Honey I Shrunk The Kids….He knows the Sercret of the Nimh….His mom didn’t need to get him a car seat….she just put him right in the circular slot built into the car…ok i’m stretching now…i’m trying to refer he was a weeble.
So Kates is going skydiving for the first time and i can’t be there since my flow manager at work decided to augment his earnings with many an iPod and is now no longer with our company….so i have to go in on friday now….Kates don’t worry…nothing to be scared of….you’re just falling out of a plane without a parachute…yeah just remember that…YOU don’t have the pack…the dude you’ll be hooked to does….also, don’t read those wavers…nothing makes you feel safer then signing a shit load of paper work that says you can’t do shit if you die. So i guess what I’m saying is….I call dibs on the TV and Wii…
I had more to say….but can’t remember it right now.
Blowjobs?
So why do they call it a blowjob anyways?
I don’t think i’ve ever experienced a girl getting on her knees…grabbing my dick…wiggling around and then carefully blowing on it….I can’t even really think of a scenario where that could do the trick…
Why not call it a suck job? Because that is what is actually happening…
In fact…people will say “yeah this girl sucked me off”
But its funny because its called a “blowjob” but if you said “yeah this girl blowed me off”…you’d get a reaction of pity….well according to the name you should be getting high fives…but what it ACTUALLY means is that some girl ignored you…
I admire girls though…because i think a blowjob seems to take a lot of coordination…sucking….breathing…..moving the hands around…..Its like playing that game…”Bop it” (remember the commercial…bop it….twist it…hit it….shake it)…basically same thing…just start handing those out in elementary school and all girls will have a back up career…
But what i was getting at is the fact that besides me not finding dick sexually arousing….I don’t think i’d be coordinated enough to pull my weight in a gay relationship.
So i know my tolerance has gotten too high/my alcoholism is progressing too far when i walk into 7/11 and buy a 12 pack cuz “i just want to take it easy”
Why is a serious conversation called a “come to jesus meeting”? Everything i’ve heard about the guy makes it seem like that’s the furthest thing from his type of meeting.
You know how when you die your parents or whoever have to settle your debts? Porn makes that for an awkward experience….
Yeah “So and So” was a great person…what the fuck? Oh god…i have to cancel his subscription to “WetGrannies.com”
If you are a middle of the road celebrity…or need to revitalize your career…just make a sex tape…and “accidently” let that shit leak out….but just like the parts right before the good stuff….act appauled and embarassed…then release the full tape but only through your sponsored porn tape website…..Isn’t that right Kim?
Seriously, those tapes bring more publicity/money then they’d see in DECADES….Erin Andrews…listen up…i haven’t seen your tape yet…but if people are gonna see your shit anyways….hire an HD crew and release the real thing….I’m playin NCAA 2010 like a madman un a hunch that its some sort of secret unlockable in the game or something.
Short blog…but its a Sunday…so fuckin’ blow me….or i mean…suck me.
Random Unstructured Thought
So I am nominating “Mono rail” as the new term for masturbation…because there are plenty of terms that mean masturbation but none that deal with the pace or ferocity of the act. Also, now hopefully next time you visit Disney you will think differently about their transportation system.
So…you snitch once on a fighting drunk guy to the cops and suddenly your roommate wont stop calling you McLovin….well if upholding justice makes me a snitch then someone grab me a fake Hawaii license.
Speaking of licenses…mine expires and so does my state inspection on august 1st…more likely….Blacking out on my birthday….or getting a series of serious tickets involving expiration of license/inspection…..I’d say its a toss up….Though i don’t plan on blacking out…
So…no one should ever take Lady GaGa seriously….reason 1: her name….its lady fucking gaga…are you serious….were there that many other things you wanted to call you self already taken…finally they gave you a list and you just threw your hands up….fuck it…i guess just call me lady gaga. reason 2: I laugh when i hear her song because it sounds like she’s saying “my butt poker my butt poker face” which is worlds away from a poker face.
Take a look at these examples and see how varying names for the same object make a huge difference.
Gary…stop being such a fucking dick.
Gary’s such a wiener.
Stop being such a pussy.
You’re such a cunt.
ahhh the power of words.
So….I decided I hate Utah….reason one….there is nothing to do in Utah…when your big draw is the salt lake…you’re in fucking trouble. The only reason why Salt Lake City won the bid for the winter olympics is that no other US city wanted to compete against them and lose…You don’t want your city’s slogan to be “Minneapolis, just a bit more lame than weak ass Salt Lake City”. Its the same reason why I wouldn’t get into a spelling bee with retarded kids….I suck at spelling…chances are one of those mongoloids would beat me…then where do you go from that shit…So yeah…great job Salt Lake City….Also…the name of that city is annoying…they couldn’t be anymore clever….they just named it exactly what they saw i guess…that would be like living in Green Hill, Montana…or Mud Puddle, Mississippi. Another reason why to hate Utah…they took basketball from New Orleans way back when…and didn’t even have the dignity/creativity to change the name of the franchise. New Orleans Jazz…yup very appropriate…they are known for jazz…its where it was originated…Utah Jazz? now its not cool anymore…now its like the sort of jazz you expect 60 year old white men to listen to on the way home from their aromatherapy treatment. So down the line New Orleans finally gets a franchise again and they are pumped…we’ll be the New Orleans Ja…oh wait those ass holes in Utah took that shit…so they got pissed and just took Charlotte’s old name…and now you have the New Orleans Hornets…..and that’s the reason why you have the now awful name/jerseys of the Charlotte Bobcats, and OK City Thunder. (its funny when the abbreviation of your city is also a description of it)
shit i almost forgot…Mormons…don’t forget the mormons…no explaination needed.
I think you should yell “Kobe” when you bust if you think there is greater than a 50% chance that the sex could some day be viewed is no consensual…that could include some blacked out/super drunk sex where you’re not sure if anyone remembers it happened the next morning.
I think the allegations around Big Ben are BS…the lady is claiming sexual assault but isn’t bothering brining up criminal charges…just civil? Well i guess she could care less if he goes to jail…she just wants the money….See little girls, you can achieve ANYTHING in this country! What IS brilliant though…is could you have picked a better big time sports star that looks capable of this? Big Ben looks like he starts every morning with a cup of coffee and a right cross to the nearest female. And then he walks out of his trailer with a stained wife beater on sits in a lawn chair and just pokes at shit with a stick.
The movie Adventureland fucking sucks…don’t listen to the critics…or look at the cast…because either one of these could potentially cause you to waste two hours of your life…for once i think me and Ant gave up a movie at the same time…which is hard since Ant basically judges whether he’s going to pay attention or give a movie a shot in its first 10 minutes.
Fact: Tupac was the last dude that pulled off a nose ring without looking gay.
Fact: Sisqo tried the belly ring…nope still gay….and no Pockets…not enough time has passed yet for you to try to have it make a comeback…no matter how many body jewelry companies you try to start. While we may give JMU Mike crap for trying to use geography to pick up girls….telling girls that you used to sell body jewelry in college is only going to involve follow up questions probably asking whether you went through any “experimental phases” as well while you were in college. By the way…the place that puts the “experimental” thoughts in girls heads is the same place where the Keebler elves live, and where happiness is made…its a magical land of amazement and wonder.
The Animal Kingdom And My Problems With It
So why do girls think wearing animal print clothing/underwear is sexy?
Ohhhh look at my zebra print pants or my leopard print bra…yeah that’s fuckin hot…uhh…i guess…but really only cuz those leopards are cupping your breasts…
and if you ever wear leopard or any other predator with zebra print…not only should you not wear it because it doesn’t match but also because you are now a walking diorama of the food chain…
Seriously…Why is this sexy? I’ve never thought…boy i wanna fuck a zebra/cheetah/leopard/or any other animal….yet here they are covering your vagina or preventing me from seeing your tits…just doesn’t make sense to me…
Also, Leopards got the fucking shaft….They are just slower cheetahs…but also way less popular…
Its like being the least popular Baldwin
I don’t check my delivery or drive thru food orders before either pulling away from the window or shutting the door….This is the origin of roughly 65% of my weekly pain. I know that all it takes is a second…but i just have too much faith in the fact that the lady punched the right food into her register…and the minimum wage earner then read the screen and made the corresponding food…seriously….Taco Bell…i’ve put your kids through college…some of them are probably on their MBAs now and on that fucking diploma its gonna have either me doing the double thumbs up i’m famous for or the regrettable image of me eating a bowl of cheesy fiesta potatoes with my hands….Either way…the least you can do is give me the right fucking order.
Because the thing is…it just so happens that every time they give me everything that was an impulse buy…and forget all the items that made up 90% of why i wanted to go there in the first place…
On a side note…those asian chicken nuggets from Wendy’s look fucking amazing.
…Why do i only now remember to pay my car payment by looking at random statements i made on my phone to include in a blog….yup…that’s right…take another bitch slap credit rating…lets just hope my credit rating is as resilient as Tina Turner.
So JMU Mike…you know how late you are…you’re so late to EVERYTHING…that Pockets (who is about 30 minutes late everyday to work) is pissed off at how late you are…
Speaking of Pockets….Pockets’ texts are much like postcards….99% of the time they only consist of awesome things he’s doing that you can’t…I don’t hold it against the guy…he does awesome shit when he travels…and we’d all like to share it with our friends…but SHIT….going to work to unload a truck and getting pictures of the awesome beer and food he’s drinking across the country while he’s working is like a kick in the balls…and unfortunately i can’t send those back through text or e-mail…
“shit i just worked a 15 hour day…oh what’s this…a message from pockets?”
Pockets: Just chugged some micro beers and now i’m eating this awesome sandwich next to Wrigley field as seen as Man Vs. Food
….If you are murdered..no motive neeeded….it was me…in the hallway….with a stale cheeseburger big bite….and the motive was jealousy
Busch Gardens is awesome….they have a roller coaster called the Griffin that consists of a completely vertical drop….it will rock your socks completely off and then jam them up your ass
Things i have to do before my interview…
Try on my suit pants…because i’m pretty sure i’m too fat for them now
Get a hair cut…because my receding hairline makes kind of this flap-like situation for my hairstyle if i go too long without one.
Make the decision to either watch cocaine cowboys II or play more NCAA 2010.
…Yup….life is exciting right now…well atleast the Mon-Thurs parts when i’m working…
Though atleast i’ve made one decision right…it was Typing Maniac Vs. Blog…
One decision down…just a few more to go..
Go with Christ.
(this blog brought to you by percentages…cuz i used them shits alot)
Ants, Jamaica, Grumpy Old Men…all in a days work
I think i’m going to take the tried and true method of introducing foreign predators to get rid of my ant problem….and when i say foreign i’m only speaking in terms of 215….So the first foreign predatory to pestlike creatures in my room will be a vacuum. Not for the ants…for my fucking carpet….A vacuuming a floor is the simplest of tasks..but for some reason i’d rather do a half hour of dishes and a load of laundry than vacuum for 5 minutes. So i’ll be honest…this predatory thing isn’t going to work well…cuz vacuuming…that ain’t fucking happening.
So i’ll go the animal route…i’ll start with a simple spider infestation that will clean out the ants….then i’ll go for birds…because the only thing worse than an ant infestation is a spider infestation for some fucking reason i think that birds could run trains on spiders all day…But birds are fucking loud and shit everywhere so i don’t need them around….so naturally i’ll have to get some cats to take care of them….but not only will having a bunch of cats make me seem more out of my mind there’s also the proven fact that… cats generally suck…so on to puppies….cuz there’s nothing more adorable than a puppy infestation…they’ll chase the cats out….problem solved….just gotta watch out for those puppy eating spiders….
…Shit…my apartment complex doesn’t allow dogs….i guess i’ll have to come up with another fail proof plan…but wait! They didn’t say anything about puppies….
So the grumpier old men saga between JMU Mike and Pockets has gotten out of control in my eyes….i just can’t handle it any more….As Ant would say…they could spend hours arguing over whether its “partly sunny….or partly cloudy”….Arguing over the smallest facts of a story….Shooting each other down in every story told with way more ferocity then needed….Their insults to each other would be like using a shotgun to swat flies… Here’s how a typical story could end…it doesn’t matter who was telling it…the other will react this way….but i’ll just show likely responses by each.
Mike A: …and that’s the end of my story
Mike B: You’re full of lies/lets step out of the grey area
Mike A: Someone alert the fag police i think there has been an escape from the maximum security prison/you suck as a human and that’s why your parents never had more kids
Mike B: Fuck You! /slight pissed off chuckles followed by a shove and a short person joke
Now while this may be funny for days…weeks…even months…it wears on you when you approach years…or atleast it wears on me….its like if the USSR and USA just always hammered on the nuke button at the slightest drop of a hat.
At first you’re thinking shit…this is big….holy crap….after a while you’re just thinking…really? not again…i’m getting tired of drinking powdered milk and eating spam.
Baseball still sucks..when the highlight of your all star game is throwing out the first pitch (before the game starts) it can’t be good for your sport. You never hear the highlight of the super bowl being the half time show….shit janet jackson went topless for a full second and could give a shit less once my erection subsided….it was back to the second half.
Baseball…look at the state you’re in….NASCAR is taking the headlines with a driver being accused of taking meth….and they’ve stretched that story for a while now…really? is that a top story…a redneck taking meth? That’s as natural Chicken McNuggets….uhhh…not best example….Taco Bells ground beef?
anyways…
I had an educational day yesterday of watching documentaries…so you know what that means…..
Rudy to give a solo sourced unprofessional lecture about topics you don’t care about!!!
1) America whores out other countries to make it seem like we don’t do shit wrong….As badly worded as that was let me TRY and clear it up…Basically i watched the first documentary… Life and Debt about how Jamaica has turned into a shit hole because it borrowed from the International Monetary Fund….World Bank and other such institutions…Basically every time it borrow it would have more ridiculous stipulations to obey…1) Jamaica was told they needed to try and de-value their currency 2) Jamaica had to eliminate all barriers to trade (which could make sense for some larger nations…but being a small island nation you kind of need to keep the good stuff you have going on…running) So once they did that larger countries that could produce more food for cheaper imported all their food in…and Jamaica’s own agricultural product became more expensive then the stuff they were importing. 3) Jamaica took out a loan with another bank…this time the “Kingston Free Zone” was set up under the pretenses that it was going to start up Jamaica’s economy by creating jobs…Only catch…it wasn’t “technically part of Jaimaca” it was its own entity not entitled to the normal laws….so it was were Tommy, Brooke’s Brothers and a few other reputable clothing companies had shirts made….Workers weren’t allowed to eat or take restroom breaks and the building didn’t have AC….Also the workers were given a salary but instead of being paid in US dollars they were paid in Jamaican…but not for the exchange rate…basically they should have been making $1200 US but were making $1200 Jamaican (which amounted to about 30-35 US dollars) at the time. They had a strike…and eventually the companies hired Chinese workers whom they shipped to Jamaica to work at these plants…..In the end the companies pulled out….So we “created jobs for Jamaica” but then paid them horrible money…and eventually hired scabs from a different company and took those jobs away. 4) As another incentive to receive aid they were told to lift restriction on powdered milk…powdered milk became so cheap it was no longer sensible to buy fresh milk from their own farmers….the dairy famres workforce was slashed by something like 75% and often they were forced to dump most of their milk out so it wouldn’t spoil.
Basically in the end i just realized that empires never went away…we have just found ways to make shows out of giving countries “independence”. And what it basically ends up being is we pick which countries we want to produce cheap goods….We basically pick who we want to be…or remain 3rd world countries….and that’s fucked up…and its not just us England is in on it too….and i’m sure all of the most powerful countries have similar situations….but the other funny thing…the three most powerful countries in the IMF have the majority vote…so there is no reason why it would change.
End of that rant…
Now i’m kind of out of juice…the other documentary just showed the Newark NJ Mayoral race of 2002 and showed what kind of power an incumbent politician has at their disposal…Intimidation…the police force…government agencies (such as the code commission that Sharpe would send in to shut down businesses that supported his opponent)….and just the power of lies….This man had been the mayor for 16 years….and people believed everything he said. His opponent was a baptist black democrat from a family that were active participants in the civil rights movement….However Sharpe labeled him as a weak gay jewish white boy who was a puppet for the republican party. And people believed this shit…and its just sad that people can get away with that stuff…
Politicians can get away with that…meanwhile congress makes sure laws are upheld so that a mom is supposed to pay a few million dollars for downloading a CD illegally…
So a gay couple can get hauled off by the cops for kissing.
So they can try to “get to the bottom of baseball’s steroid problem”
….whatever it takes to avoid all the real problems…
Annnnd i’m out!
Hold on to your butts…the world is ending….in 2012
Seriously…that shit’s happening
I’m sure a lot of you already knew about the fact that the Mayan calendar ended at 2012…but also the oldest Chinese calendar just so happens to end the same year. And the thing that sucks about that is that both calendars are super accurate with astrological happenings….and predictions for the future….Now don’t get my wrong…i don’t think psychics are real…but these predictions aren’t like “you’ll encounter a sad blonde girl in your future”. The Chinese calendar used patterns to predict the fall of the roman empire and both world wars….the thing that makes that impressive is that i wasn’t like it predicted 1000 things….it showed a peak or valley on the earth that directly correlated to a major event…..every time.
The Mayans? They have accurately predicted every eclipse since they made the calendar….apparently there is something to human sacrifices….. Well anyways…the Mayan calendar has a better reason for 2012 being the last year we all live. Now i know that some people will remember the part of it where they say machines and animals will rise up against us….but if there is enough chaos couldn’t the machines all be broken and the animals be going nuts (just like before earthquakes and stuff). The real event that they say will end the world is the shifting of our poles….see in 2012 we dip below our solar systems equator basically…and once the happens due to magnetism associated with this it will cause our poles to shift…as in every fucking thing flips…the scientists that they interviewed agreed that this has happened before on earth (last time Alaska was at one of the poles) and they don’t know whether its gonna happen in hours or over the course of a decade….but either way it involves alot of storms…tsunamis…all that good shit.
Anyways…end of story…i’m making sure i have zero leave time left in the bank during 2012…cuz how bad would that suck if the world ended and you had 200 hrs of vacation just sitting there…everyone would be looking for their loved ones…i’d be attempting an all out sprint from DC to Las Vegas with cash flying out of my pockets….”Vegas Baby…YEEEEAAAAAHHHH….you’re not taking this one from me!”
Yep that’s right everyone…now is the time that you get to decide if i’ve really lost my mind…if i’m the internet’s version of the homeless guy holding up his piece of cardboard professing the end of everything we know….just with less religion thrown in.
Did you know that John P Crapper was the first person to successfully invent a flusing toilet? So when you go to the John or the Crapper….same dude….Do you think that is a source of pride or annoyance for his descendants….I think when referring to the toilet they probably don’t mind…but good ‘ol John P Crapper probably didn’t count on the word crap coming into its own….You’re full of Crap…. piece of crap…. not something to be as proud of.
Did you ever wonder how many people died just to test out which plants would make good spices…and which ones would make good poisons….that’s a hell of a trial and error.
Did you hear about the gay couple that was apprehended in Mormonville for kissing in public. More suprising then the fact that they were detained is the fact that in public releases (from what i’ve read so far atleast) no one has shied away from what they did…. “well we told them to stop their lewd and inappropriate conduct” Wow…how does that shit still exist.
Snitching is WAAAY more fun than advertised….rappers want to make you think its this awful experience…well let me tell you…i ratted on the same person three times in the matter of 5 minutes and it was fantastically entertaining. This dude had started fighting outside of Marks’s Pub (naturally)…by the time we got there he was struggling to get free as the owner sat on him and was just ripping shots into his ribs…eventually the dude gets up and starts trying to talk to me, ant, and his friend joe…a cop car pulls around and the dude darts off….I start laughing…we are walking back to the apartment…and i walk across the street in front of the cop car…apparently anything you do around a cop car warrants and arrest to ant as he yells “YO! what the fuck are you doin’ man?” I responded that a cop isn’t going to arrest me for walking…especially when he’s going after someone else….the cop askes me if i saw where the dude went…so i say…in my whitest of voices “SURE! He’s right up that hill officer!” Then we get to fairfax towers….and its funny to see law enforcement thwarted by a gate….its a hard system to work…push the button on the gate and tell the front gate you’re the fucking cops…pretty sure they’re gonna open for you. This procedure baffled our officer though…so i ran up to the gate and opened it for him….he then asked me for the location of the fighting dude again….i gladly pointed him in the direction and watched as the small statured cop went after him…meanwhile ant doesn’t exactly know what to do in this situation and has been running around to nowhere in particular for a while now….he was like a fucking dog that’s scared of thunderstorms.
To end this blog i will leave you with a quote from the great movie “It’s a wonderful life”
…”everytime a girl swallows an angel gets its wings”
classic movie….
Transformers 2 Sucked
As you can see by the title…i’m not too happy with how transformers 2 turned out.
Impromptu Reviews Immediately Following The Movie:
Me: “I would have rather spent the money on more drinks at friday’s and had someone drunkenly recap the movie to me.”
JMU Mike: “I would have rather had a still shot of Megan Fox bent over the motorcycle at the beginning and jacked off to it for 2.5 hours”
Yeah….it wasn’t good. Megan Fox is still the hottest woman on the planet. The whole girl pouty voice/face thing works to begin with….if Megan Fox did it to me I could easily be convinced to take out a school bus full of children.
Michael Bay…how do you keep getting so much money for your films. He must be doing something right to be brining in this much money every time he makes a movie…but that doesn’t make the movie itself good. If you are making a film about machines that transform into giant alien robots your movie should be NO LONGER than 1.5 hours. Michael Bay…newsflash…there is no complex plot that you can conjure up….Bad robots fight good robots…hot girl…gm products. There you go….throw in some explosions and get Linkin Park to do a D-baggish new song at the end and you’re golden. It shouldn’t get boring watching robots blow each other up. But that’s exactly what happened. There were a couple really cool scenes…but that movie could have been an hour long and i would have been more satisfied. It had the loosest of plots and it almost seemed like Michael Bay just had more money to burn so would come up with another task for the group to complete before the ultimate bad guys could be beat. And even worse with this whole thing…you wait over 2 hours for this epic ending battle and its over in about 2 minutes.
I wonder how many shots with megan fox had to be re-shot due to co-star erection…i’m just sayin….probably about 100.
I just finished watching the movie traitor with don cheadle. Not sure if Don Cheadle can be an action star but…It was good because a movie about terrorism finally took the time to explain the difference between Islam and what these terrorists practice, and how they use religion to control people to do their bidding….Normally in these movies its just a group of muslims with angry scowls and subtitles and they go kill pretty white people….this time they atleast made an attempt to show that they were corrupt muslims and it differed greatly from those that practice the religion as it was meant to be….Now i do understand that Islam was born in a militant setting…but christianity hasn’t exactly been a peaceful religion either.
Oh sarah palin…you’re hilarious….She has said that her worst days on the campaign trail can be blamed on the fact that McCain didn’t schedule time for her to go for a run…and then later in the interview with Runner’s World magazine she said she could beat Obama in a long distance run….Well thankfully long distance runs don’t determine who can run this country. Her backing up of the fact she could beat Obama was “you can even ask my coaches”….and she even threw some ‘Bet’chas’ and other ‘joe 6-pack’ lingo into the interview. She’s just clueless….
Obama said he’s working on reversing the unjust laws that the homosexual population still face….I wonder if that was his plan the whole time or if he just was surprised that the gay community didn’t like the pseudo benefits Obama tried to give as a pat on the head very well. Maybe, hopefully he’s actually sincere..but its been a long time since i feel like i’ve seen a politician do anything that wasn’t to get himself re-elected or highten his/her status…i just wish for one term we could get all of congress, the supreme court, and the president doing what they are supposed to do….Acting in the way they feel is best for the country. The Supreme Court is supposed to be the interpretation of law and the constitution…not pushing your personal views through the court system. Congress is supposed to pass laws to make the country better…not taking as few risks as possible while still pacifying your constituency so you can guarantee re-election…the president is supposed to hold everything together…make sure everything is being done properly…kick ass where needed, and be the face of the US to the world.
When a law is passed that makes an actual impact on our society that doesn’t also give the government a larger increase in power let me know…until then…fuck it…there’s really no point in even following it when you have no impact on it at all…We have been locked into a two-party system as of now so any political party that wants to institute change is shut out…by being percieved as a ‘throw away vote’ by not getting the air time on debate like the other parties, and by the fact that anytime a 3rd party does get recognition its someone like crazy ass Ralph Nader. Don’t think that’s not thought about when they schedule them airtime….”ok we’ll show the people that we give ample amount of coverage to 3rd parties…now find me the craziest mother fucker leading one of those parties and lets get him on the air”….
done ranting…
