Rudy’s Nocturnal Admissions

A scenario that would be funny….

If I was meeting someone else’s friend and they asked what i did for a living and i responded with…

Me: Well i could have been a lawyer but i’ve always kind of had a higher calling you know?

(it would be at that point that my friend who has introduced me to this new person starts looking puzzled….”how the fuck is retail a higher calling”..and at this point i could judge just how lowely my friend thinks of retail as a profession…the crazier the look…the worse of a profession they assume it is)

Me:”….Yeah you might have guessed it….I manage the overnight process of a retail store…its not for everyone…but life rang and i answered that call.”

Now see, first it would be fun for me because of what i described about watching my friend’s face….Second reason…watching this new person’s face…because you can only be SO much of a dick immediatly after meeting someone (unless of course you are drunk….see: “steve”)  And third i just think it would be really funny acting smug and stuck up about unloading trucks…

With that note, i get the chance to get a 10% raise and that much closer to store manager early next month….about 4 or 5 months earlier than thought….fuck yeah!

The baby in the hangover is hilarious….. here’s the red band trailer http://www.ramasscreen.com/2009/05/30/hangover-red-band-trailer/  <—-that’s right i’m actually too basic to find out how to post an actual link on here….  Anyways…it contains a part where the baby “carlos” is “jackin his weenus at the table”  one of the finest moments in cinema history….Its also full of all sorts of other great shit…my cheeks were actually sore walking out of the theater because i was grinning so hard the whole time..

Have you ever sat and realized humans are the only animals that have achieved such a dominant victory over sex?

See…monkeys and dogs have a clue…ball licking…masterbation…and jmu mike’s dog’s curious way of “mashing it”  (DUKE STOP MASHING IT)

And dogs, and monkeys…that’s cute…you’re on the right path..

But get this shit. Sex’s sole purpose is supposed to be reproduction…the reason you feel horny is supposed to be because its time to make more of you.  However, to us that means you want to get some sort of action….Humans have to be the only animal that have the opposite sex masterbate for them (hand jobs).  That’s just kind of lazy when you think about it….At least fellacio is something you can’t do yourself and feels better…Anyways…back on track…Getting to second base/feeling a girl up shouldn’t be a goal..that’s not making more humans…but damn if it doesn’t feel rewarding..

And then you go to sex itself….people pay to watch other people who were taped having sex.  90% of the internet is based off of this business…it has made people millionaries….That means there are people who’s professions are not successfully having sex…i mean..yeah they are having sex…but if the definition of sucessful sex is pregnancy then their job is to fail….but it has to be the MOST FUN form of failure on the planet…

Who was the first person to convince a girl to have sex with them while wearing a condom…i doubt girls find penises very attractive to begin with…so first you convince her to let you put your in her…but then you propose you put a little baggy on it and put that in her too (and not even a solid colored bag so they don’t have to see it…a clear one)?  That’s just a weird thought…someone out there really wanted to fuck a girl but really didn’t want to get married, ruin her body, or get her pregnant and thus lessen the amount of time he would be able to have sex with her….That’s how a condom was made…hmmm shit…i’ll just wrap this bag around it….whats the worst that can happen (note: this decision could have been mutual because i doubt women are sitting around all day disappointed they aren’t pregnant and starting their day with throwing up all the time)

The pill? Fucking genius…we found a way to thwart evolution….and a period of “justified” bitchiness every month….Now i know a period probably isn’t a lot of fun…but shit…there is nothing a guy gets to do that justifies him acting like a dick for one week a month…A girl could rob a bank and go to court and just say “i was cramping…it was a bad day”…case fucking thrown out… I could get kicked in the balls upon waking up…get a speeding ticket on the way to work…and then get fired…but if i act dickish to a girl…no reprieve.

The WNBA has started!  This will also no doubt start my ceremony of looking to see when the Mystics are playing and running to the bathroom to flush my two tickets down the drain at the exact time of tip off….

Did you ever think that the fight against poverty had the wrong focus?  Over 1/3 of the homeless have mental illnesses…so instead of trying to solve poverty/homelessness/starvation  with lack of taxes, food stamps, and all sorts of other things…why don’t we come up with a program that gives free mental health care to the homeless….If you eliminate one third of the problem by getting them proper treatment and getting them well…then wont it be a little bit easier of an issue to tackle?  I just think right now politicians know that by throwing money at homeless it gets them good publicity…and since they are only there to get re-elected…then why really do any more?

I’m sick of the goverment buying shitty companies and trying to say “well the good news is…the american people own X percentage”  if that’s the case then just give me a fucking share of google…because its worth about the same as half of GM.  (oh and who called that the government ownership…not like it took god damn ms.cleo to do so…but next just wait for the incentives to buy their product….next step socialism…YEAHHHH….i’ve already started practicing my goose step)

Fuck the french open…you want to see some exciting tennis at the speed of slow children’s spelling bees…come watch me and kates play tennis (kates we need to get back on track…next time its nice out…its go time)….soon i’m going to be challenging annie….Ant you’re after that….and finally JMU Mike….

The AL came this weekend…and like always he might as well have been driving a wrecking ball around in my body…because that’s what always happens to my organs…anyways…good times were had…drinks were drunk….awful baseball was watched…

The Nationals get two more years before they get folded back into a AAA team.  The nationals at this point should just be called “Ryan Zimmerman and his underachieving middle-aged friends”.

Kobe’s fucking good…..Dwight Howard dresses like he just came out of a speakeasy back in the 20s

I hate the Pens…but i can no longer deny that Malkin is a beast…but i also can’t deny that the nickname “Geno” sucks…or the fact that Crosby is the only active female NHL player.