Billy…oh Billy…not you too!!!
Not even “mighty mend it” could put my heart back together again. That’s because billy mays had a ‘mighty shine’ that you couldn’t deny…you might even say he gave off an ‘orange glow’. From the second i heard he died there was a pit in my stomach as though i had activated the kneading action of ‘mighty putty’ and now it sat in my belly. That’s right everyone…god turned off billy mays’ “handy switch”. I don’t know what it is about being 50 but no matter how much of a ‘big’ shot you think you are…apparently that shit doesn’t always ’slide’
Enough of bad billy mays product usage puns….seriously…you cant deny that this guy was relevant in our society currently…some may say that’s sad…sighting the fact “rudy billy mays is a D-bag”. Correct…but he earned the right to be a D-Bag…he started pitching products straight out of high school. It started with washing machines in atlantic city…progressed to the HSN (home shopping network where he first debuted products for the orange glow brand…same people that brought you oxi clean). After beccoming successful he started negotiating contracts where he got percentages of the product’s sales….that’s right folks he had made the big time…
End of story…billy mays was a legit american dream story.
This week just created a second less significant trinity…Farrah Fawcett…Michael Jackson…and Billy Mays…..but really it all just breaks down to….A hot chick…a D-bag…and a petaphile
In related news…”Just for men” stands to lose a ludicrous amount of money since billy mays was the single greatest spokesman for their product…and what was better is that they didn’t have to pay them.
Porn stars can quit trying to grow billy mays beards and can just go back to ol reliable…the porn ’stache
Blue shirts are likely to be up %1000 this week
Conspiracy theories…
Billy Mays and MJ are in Cahoots (have no idea how that word originated) and Billy Mays will be announcing Jackson at his first London concert.
PETA got to Billy Mays after his ‘cricket cannon’ incident from “Pitchmen”
Vince Shamoli murdered Mays! His product worked so well that the Shamwow! wiped up all evidence and left a perfectly clean crime scene
Speaking of crime scene…i left my car at a garage to get an emissions inspection, oil change, and get some more windshield wipers (not gator blades though)…problem? I left CDs and my GPS laying on my seat….and seeing as though i’ve had my radio stolen out of my car from a garage before….probably not the smartest of ideas.
Two more fish died in my aquarium…the fish tank re-birth of glory is over…but atleast i don’t have to feed them for a few days now.
Fuck i can’t think of anything else…fuck usa soccer for getting my hopes up…Peace
Mr. 6,000
No bernie mac is not coming back from the grave to star in a sequel to the oscar-snubbed mr. 3000. That’s right folks…i’ve got 6,000 hits now….it may have taken a while, but its crazy to think that this thing has been read 6,000 times….even if about 5,900 of those are from my fairfax towers crew.
You know what else is crazy…i’m still sad bernie mac died….i think when comedians and entertainers die it hits people harder because those are the people that lift you up. People that make your days better…people stopped being sad when politicians die after JFK…because now we all know the government can’t do shit for us anyways…back then the media was less rabid and so respected keeping the president this superhero-like person. So it was a big shock when he died (not to mention the fact that it happened in the middle of a crowded parade) because he had all these hopes for change. Now we know…they are more of just a figure head for the government…congress holds everything up and no matter who is president there isn’t really shit that can be done unless they just all up decide they are tired of being corrupt and have grinch like moments where their hearts grow all overly large n shit and they stop cheating on their wives with Argentinean e-mail buddies they’ve been talking to for years….
Now i know he’s not a congressman but holy fuck is the South Carolinian governor a retard. He just leaves for a week (during father’s day…great fathering…i’m pretty sure his kids all smashed the shitty #1 dad mugs they had ready, and mom hung herself with the tie she was going to give him) doesn’t tell his family…doesn’t tell any of his advisors…and says “eh, the state’s basically on autopilot anyways..who will notice?” If you are going to leave…atleast leave an excuse behind…his aides were scrambling….uhhh…he’s camping? He’s on the Appalachian trail? (by the way…what a horrible excuse…who was the genius that came up with that one first…and who are the retard co-workers that all agreed on it because they couldn’t come up with a better idea). Then the dumbass Mr. Governor himself decides to address it….oh i was going to go on the trail but decided on something a little more exotic…Argentina….the only way that the Appalachian trail and Argentina have anything in common is the fact that they both start with the letter ‘A’. Oh, and i REALLY don’t buy when he said “I spent 5 days with my head in my hands crying”. Yeah, i’m sure that’s how it went…why didn’t you fly back early then? Oh, that’s right because you were railing your south american e-mail buddy…that makes more sense…if you’re fucking all day, drinking and hitting the beach…i wouldn’t want to go back either….I will say though…i’m guessing he probably hasn’t cheated on his wife before, because the way he handled this scenario was fucking amateur hour.
Jon and Kate got divorced…surprise surprise….See….Kate’s a bitch…they didn’t even need to put a reason for divorce down on the paper. I think Jon just has to submit a montage of the show where Kate is acting especially bitchy…and guess what…no money paid by jon….guess who’s keeping everything? If you guessed Kate you’re a retard…good lord does she suck.
So obviously i can’t get through this blog without addressing yesterday’s shocking events…
That’s right…Mike…JMU MIKE! Why the fuck are you going to take the time to make a fake TGI Friday’s coupon and then be so apprehensive about using it…I told you about 50 times it looked legit…you had the stripes and logo on it…don’t worry from there you are golden…unless in fine print you put…do not accept this coupon because i made it in photoshop.
So since we were at friday’s…we drank alot last night…carried the party over to 215…listening to a lot of Michael Jackson…oh yeah he died by the way…figured i’d break the story right here…RIGHT NOW.
Anyways…i knew i drank alot because when i woke up i had this burning sensation all over my body….ahhhh shame….how i missed your warm embrace. Apparently at one point i told Ant that he could shave my head if i passed my interview…(sorry to break it to you buddy…that’s not happenin)
You know how you know someone had an impact with their life….1) when they’ve molested children but no one cares 2) when people are happy instead of sad. Everywhere in the mall you could hear MJ playing…people dancing to his songs…singing along….it was cool to see. It was a celebration of his life…and even if you hate him because of what he supposedly was guilty of…you can’t doubt the fact that he was an awesome entertainer and made some great music (dip top ah dip top JAAAAM!)
aaaand farrah fawcett died? Crazy…not much i can say there…i wasn’t going through puberty in her peak of stardom. I’m sure in the era before internet porn teenage boys needed no store bought adhesive to get those posters on the wall….
Strangest pick-up attempt on a girl i’ve heard of : ”Can i paint your face on a vase…we paint pictures of beautiful women on vases in my country”
Hey check out this blog while you’re already procrastinating and not getting work done…. fionaasshole.wordpress.com
A procrastinator’s version of current events and such
So remember back last week when the old dude shot up the holocaust museum…yup…i haven’t posted a blog in a while…so you get to start with that.
…i’ll wait for the pouting and sighs…
So this guy is over 80 years old and has managed for over 80 years to foster an extreme hatred for the jews…and belong to hate groups…the whole 9. Now i just want to see where in these groups there is a provision FOR child porn… because seriously…when his computer was searched that shit was all over it…. I don’t know when your thought process says…screw the jews they are inferior…i don’t like their food…fuck their sideburns….and they run hollywood…but lets hear it for fucking children! And that’s not an enthusiastic…FUCKIN’ CHILDREN HELL YEAH THEY RULE….that’s fucking children…as in…in the ass…..that’s some fucked up shit when you can justify that but says Israel doesn’t need to exist…
Also, when do you get up in the morning and say to yourself….i think i’m going to start hating a group of people today…do you think its on their list of things to do? What i mean by that is…you know how you do your last minute check for your wallet and keys….or you know how you think you have forgotton your keys and you do that way too hectic grab for your pocket only to find they were there for the whole time? Is that how hating jews is…oh shit…wait…did i remember to hate the jews? Oh…that’s right…the holocaust didn’t exist.
Did you know that a court decision has been passed that says prisoners now do not have access to evidence that could potentially free them? Yeah, that’s right….an Alaska court ruled that they don’t have the right to it…eventhough DNA evidence has freed scores of convicted rapists….the way it has been says that you have to say under oath that you are innocent (i’m guessing the reason is they don’t want some sick fucks getting access to the evidence of their crimes…just because they get off on it). I just don’t get it…doesn’t this just say we want people held behind bars that don’t deserve it…doesn’t it just say we don’t trust our own justice system? Because if they were in there for the right reasons…then fuck it…give them access to anything they need….maybe it’ll give em a way to kill some time….here’s something that could be done….so that courts aren’t flooded with unnecessary cases….if you got anything less than the maximum sentence…if you are found guilty a second time…your existing term is upped to the maximum sentence….if you already have the max sentence it is doubled…unless its life…if its life in prison..then guess who wins? The electric chair…
There you have solved both problems…people that know they are free are going to go through with it…those that think they can pull one over on us…fuck you…enjoy more prison…
Why hold innocent people behind bars…using much needed tax payer money…when we could release them (INNOCENT FUCKING PEOPLE) to spend more money and revive this economy…Also, why keep holding non-violent (drug offenders…unless they are massive dealers) behind bars..good job…johnny smoked a shit load of pot and now’s he’s in jail…the only thing you’ve protected are some hostess products from being demolished…which goes towards THE ECONOMY ANYWAYS! Just fine the shit out of them…upgrade the cop cars and have a good fucking time…you don’t need to lock them up.
An ode to pockets…
Fuckin’ POCKETS MAN! Seriously this dude puts up more shit than anyone i know…and for a bullshit reason…He keeps racking up awards at work and all we can do is joke about how he has a sandbox next to his desk…and how he eats popsicles and gets them all over his mouth during his lunch breaks at the office….he’s using butterfly nets to catch his dreams….he gives himself bubble beards in the tub….but in actuality we all know he’s a grown ass man….Mike…we know you’re not pockets…but we’ve created this fictional character….everytime…well….most everytime i tell a pockets joke…it doesn’t refer to you at all…it refers to this pockets fella we created…
so mike…in closing i’m sorry….but thank you for being a good sport….i’ve got a shiny silver dollar with your name on it…
…..and maybe a holiday?
Side note: Whenever JMU mike and Pockets sit on the couch together i feel like i’m looking a bad Source review…One and a half Mikes!!! oooooohhhhh man i crack myself up
Did you hear about the mom that got fined 2.4 million dollars for 24 downloaded songs? That sucks…
no more commentary on that….just FUUUUUUCK…good luck with that.
So here’s a random bit (like the rest of my blog has organization)…recommended buys
There is a band called Street Sweeper Social Club…its Tom Morello Rage Against the Machine guitarist….and Boots Riley from “the coup” (underground hip-hop). Good shit…good shit indeed.
Ben Harper and Relentless 7 – White Lies for Dark Times….pretty good….the slow tracks are a little monotonous..but the faster stuff is awesome.
The Dead Weather – Jack White’s newest band…..the white stripes are awesome…the raconteurs are awesome…how bad can this band be?
I bet if you called transformers 2 ”Megan Fox with some robots n shit” it would make even more money
that’s it…
My Fish Tank….Lil’ Auschwitz
So i know its been a while since i’ve last graced your presence on the interweb…but i’m coming back again….after many hours worked it seems i’ve made it through the worst of it for a little while and i can get back to this blogging business…
So firstly i am renaming my fishtank Lil Auschwitz because that’s where you send fish to die apparently. In a quick burst of productivity and determination…I did a bunch of laundry and then decided that it was time to re-vitalize my fish tank. I got a tester to make sure that my water isn’t toxic….I got things to drop in the tank to make sure if my water is toxic i can fix it. I bought a new heater…and finally i bought new fish. My toxicity meter tells me my water is basically paradise…i have my water at a temperature that is pleasant for all fish in the tank…WHY THEN HAS ONE MOTHER FUCKER ALREADY DIED? The funny thing about it….i keep fish alive for such a small amount of time that i rarely name them…just either price…or what the fish is actually called…rank and serial number….actually if you look closely i have tattooed prices or UPC (barcode) numbers to all of them…now my lil auschwitz is complete.
Reasons why the fish-o-cide is my fault: I decided to go on websites about different fish and how to care about them…Found out you are only supposed to introduce one fish at a time….and add an additional one maybe every week or two weeks if you are going to buy more….I most definitely dumped about 7 fish in…the same day…and apparently you need a bucket or something to get them used to your tank water….wrong again…i let them float in their little baggies for about 30 minutes…and once again dumped them in….Yet another reason they are probably taking a trip to the big tank in the sky….Apparently i bought two fish that need 55 gallon tanks…small ass fish but get stressed out about small tanks (mine is 10 gallons)….furthermore i bought two fish with big fins…and one small fish that loves to….eat big fucking fins….
I thought caring for fish was supposed to be easy….drop fish in..occasionally drop flakes in…change water when you have trouble seeing fish….nope…apparently you have to be the leader of a whole fish society…take polls of all your residents and make sure your new additions fit everyone’s parameters…Its like being the head of a home owners association….except that i’m attempting to create one in what is the equivalent to government subsidized housing.
Anyways…reasons the fish death is not my fault….the pet store…If one fish requires 55 gallons…don’t put 15 of those fuckers in a 10 gallon tank…obviously i assume that i can do the same…but i guess from that logic i should also only keep puppies in windows right? Also, the personnel’s lack of telling me i’m an idiot….if you see i’ve purchased fish that require 55 gallons of tankage…and they all will try to kill each other…just let me know..
Bottom line…i thought i was smart because i didn’t buy fish in tanks that have dead fish in them…but turns out my chances of success is equivalent to a monkey passing calc.
Oh, my next decision that makes no sense…i’m contemplating buying a 55 gallon tank…
Wow…that was just 500 words about fish……you’re welcome.
So Obama is going against what he was supposed to do. I thought he was going to usher in the next big step in civil rights with the GLBT community….but i think re-election has started to creep into his head…because he is going to continue upholding rulings banning same-sex marriage…but tries to fix things by saying….hey look i’m giving same sex couples benefits now! That’s like getting kicked in the balls and the re-payment is an immediate attempt at a handjob….its not gonna go anywhere…and really you’re just disgusted that the attempt was even made. See there is this little thing called the Defense of Marriage Act…and Obama has decided to uphold it…that means no retirement, full health coverage, or equality for same-sex couples….So as he pushes for a “universal healthcare plan” what he really means is…universal heathcare to people i think will re-elect me…as long as they aren’t the gays.
to make it worse…here are quotes from a republican (as supplied by cnn.com)
“That’s the part that just shows that the Obama administration really isn’t serious about their promises to the gay and lesbian community. Things like the health benefits, things like retirement benefits and coverage for spouses. These are the core issues,” Moran said.
“Why start the marathon if you’re not serious about ending the race?” he added.
Another problem….Obama got 70% of the votes from the gay community…so how can you go back on them now?
Oh also, one argument for the Defense of marriage act….is that by upholding it we prevent things like incest…
here is the only pro-incest argument you will ever hear…
If you are raised in a fucked up family where incest as seen as ok and openly encouraged…then by all means…please start banging your sister immediately (that means you West Virginia!) and go ahead and marry her while you’re at it….Why? Because i don’t want those genes anywhere outside of your phone poll looking excuse for a family tree….so guess what fuck all your cousins…aunts uncles…get Oedipus with it…bang your mom…I DON’T CARE…just keep that shit in the family and we’re all good.
I understand the election in Iran is a big deal…but really why are we stressing about it…the country we knew was corrupt…is…SHOCKER…corrupt….crazy ass Ahmahwhateverbahd is going to be “re-elected” but it really doesn’t matter because the Ayatollah rules the country anyways…so what does it matter what puppet he puts on his hand?
Bloggin like its 2009
A scenario that would be funny….
If I was meeting someone else’s friend and they asked what i did for a living and i responded with…
Me: Well i could have been a lawyer but i’ve always kind of had a higher calling you know?
(it would be at that point that my friend who has introduced me to this new person starts looking puzzled….”how the fuck is retail a higher calling”..and at this point i could judge just how lowely my friend thinks of retail as a profession…the crazier the look…the worse of a profession they assume it is)
Me:”….Yeah you might have guessed it….I manage the overnight process of a retail store…its not for everyone…but life rang and i answered that call.”
Now see, first it would be fun for me because of what i described about watching my friend’s face….Second reason…watching this new person’s face…because you can only be SO much of a dick immediatly after meeting someone (unless of course you are drunk….see: “steve”) And third i just think it would be really funny acting smug and stuck up about unloading trucks…
With that note, i get the chance to get a 10% raise and that much closer to store manager early next month….about 4 or 5 months earlier than thought….fuck yeah!
The baby in the hangover is hilarious….. here’s the red band trailer http://www.ramasscreen.com/2009/05/30/hangover-red-band-trailer/ <—-that’s right i’m actually too basic to find out how to post an actual link on here…. Anyways…it contains a part where the baby “carlos” is “jackin his weenus at the table” one of the finest moments in cinema history….Its also full of all sorts of other great shit…my cheeks were actually sore walking out of the theater because i was grinning so hard the whole time..
Have you ever sat and realized humans are the only animals that have achieved such a dominant victory over sex?
See…monkeys and dogs have a clue…ball licking…masterbation…and jmu mike’s dog’s curious way of “mashing it” (DUKE STOP MASHING IT)
And dogs, and monkeys…that’s cute…you’re on the right path..
But get this shit. Sex’s sole purpose is supposed to be reproduction…the reason you feel horny is supposed to be because its time to make more of you. However, to us that means you want to get some sort of action….Humans have to be the only animal that have the opposite sex masterbate for them (hand jobs). That’s just kind of lazy when you think about it….At least fellacio is something you can’t do yourself and feels better…Anyways…back on track…Getting to second base/feeling a girl up shouldn’t be a goal..that’s not making more humans…but damn if it doesn’t feel rewarding..
And then you go to sex itself….people pay to watch other people who were taped having sex. 90% of the internet is based off of this business…it has made people millionaries….That means there are people who’s professions are not successfully having sex…i mean..yeah they are having sex…but if the definition of sucessful sex is pregnancy then their job is to fail….but it has to be the MOST FUN form of failure on the planet…
Who was the first person to convince a girl to have sex with them while wearing a condom…i doubt girls find penises very attractive to begin with…so first you convince her to let you put your in her…but then you propose you put a little baggy on it and put that in her too (and not even a solid colored bag so they don’t have to see it…a clear one)? That’s just a weird thought…someone out there really wanted to fuck a girl but really didn’t want to get married, ruin her body, or get her pregnant and thus lessen the amount of time he would be able to have sex with her….That’s how a condom was made…hmmm shit…i’ll just wrap this bag around it….whats the worst that can happen (note: this decision could have been mutual because i doubt women are sitting around all day disappointed they aren’t pregnant and starting their day with throwing up all the time)
The pill? Fucking genius…we found a way to thwart evolution….and a period of “justified” bitchiness every month….Now i know a period probably isn’t a lot of fun…but shit…there is nothing a guy gets to do that justifies him acting like a dick for one week a month…A girl could rob a bank and go to court and just say “i was cramping…it was a bad day”…case fucking thrown out… I could get kicked in the balls upon waking up…get a speeding ticket on the way to work…and then get fired…but if i act dickish to a girl…no reprieve.
The WNBA has started! This will also no doubt start my ceremony of looking to see when the Mystics are playing and running to the bathroom to flush my two tickets down the drain at the exact time of tip off….
Did you ever think that the fight against poverty had the wrong focus? Over 1/3 of the homeless have mental illnesses…so instead of trying to solve poverty/homelessness/starvation with lack of taxes, food stamps, and all sorts of other things…why don’t we come up with a program that gives free mental health care to the homeless….If you eliminate one third of the problem by getting them proper treatment and getting them well…then wont it be a little bit easier of an issue to tackle? I just think right now politicians know that by throwing money at homeless it gets them good publicity…and since they are only there to get re-elected…then why really do any more?
I’m sick of the goverment buying shitty companies and trying to say “well the good news is…the american people own X percentage” if that’s the case then just give me a fucking share of google…because its worth about the same as half of GM. (oh and who called that the government ownership…not like it took god damn ms.cleo to do so…but next just wait for the incentives to buy their product….next step socialism…YEAHHHH….i’ve already started practicing my goose step)
Fuck the french open…you want to see some exciting tennis at the speed of slow children’s spelling bees…come watch me and kates play tennis (kates we need to get back on track…next time its nice out…its go time)….soon i’m going to be challenging annie….Ant you’re after that….and finally JMU Mike….
The AL came this weekend…and like always he might as well have been driving a wrecking ball around in my body…because that’s what always happens to my organs…anyways…good times were had…drinks were drunk….awful baseball was watched…
The Nationals get two more years before they get folded back into a AAA team. The nationals at this point should just be called “Ryan Zimmerman and his underachieving middle-aged friends”.
Kobe’s fucking good…..Dwight Howard dresses like he just came out of a speakeasy back in the 20s
I hate the Pens…but i can no longer deny that Malkin is a beast…but i also can’t deny that the nickname “Geno” sucks…or the fact that Crosby is the only active female NHL player.
I’m no big city lawyer but…..
I am DC retarded. I have lived in the area for 3 years now and can only get myself to the verizon center and back…But even doing this I get a childish sense of accomplishment. When i get to my destination I’m sure i look giddy….i’m kind of looking around nodding to myself….like “look at me…all growed up….in the big city”. I would compare it to a little kid taking a shit in the toilet for the first time. I’m sure it impressed the parents the first time…but the kid really doesn’t need to tell the parents EVERY time after that. Hey DAD LOOK! I DID IT AGAIN! ”Jesus….great fucking job son…you have now joined the rest of society…oh and let me know when you don’t need me to wipe your ass anymore.” See, I feel like i need to brag if i’m going into DC…its still a big event for me. Meanwhile, I have friends that work in DC everyday. JMU Mike knows the history of every building…and will give you his walking tour…everytime you’re in DC. Those people, the ones that know of every restaurant, all the tricks with the metro, and EXACTLY when you’ve crossed over into the shady area of town… couldn’t be further from what I am. I made it to the Union Station metro stop and felt like i should have stopped a random person to take a picture of me next to the station marker.
Now not only is my lack of DC knowledge appalling …but add to that the fact that i get such a sense of accomplishment by completing such a minor task….To get the sense of accomplishment I feel like there has to be some part of me that never thought i was going to complete my lofty goal of taking a metro into the city (a metro…the easiest system in the world…complete with colors and large dots telling you where to get off…no turns…no traffic lights….get on…sit…get off when they say the name of where you’re going). That is just kind of sad…i don’t get the same sense of accomplishment commuting home everyday…or making it to the store…but once i cross into the magic city of OZ (which is how i might as well view DC) suddenly the impossible becomes possible….I’m awestruck everytime…and things like getting food when i’m hungry…or finding a place to piss become momentous occasions.
Google is full of itself. The previous statement is based solely on their search result timer…Yeah thanks for doing what i asked you to Google i don’t need to know that it took .2 seconds to retrieve 100,000 pages on one-legged midget porn. There isn’t a contest…so don’t worry about it…the only thing that should be listed on the search page should be an apology when exactly what i’m looking for isn’t the very first link listed on the results. I don’t think there is a person out there superpysched about their new “google record” ….”yeah brah….i totally got a sub .15 second search….no seriously….I know right…fuckin awesome” (high fives ensue)
I hate Pete Wentz and his dumb Pete Wentz face….i bet Pete Wentz doesn’t own any mirrors…because if he saw his reflection he’d be consumed with self-hatred. Fallout boy has made a large number of people dumber…and endure a lower quality of life…and wearing eye liner isn’t edgy….that shit’s just gay. Also, guys shouldn’t wear girls jeans…if they were supposed to then they wouldn’t be called girls jeans…
Latest sad WNBA news…the Phoenix (most annoying major city name to spell in the US…just change it to Fenix already) Mercury have just agreed to having a sponsor on their jersey…oh not just a small sponsor or logo on the bottom back corner of the jersey…and its not a cool sponsor…and its not a sponsor having anything to do with sports…yes that’s right folks say hello to your NEW Fenix LIFELOCK mercury. Lifelock is going to be placed smack in the middle of the jersey with ‘mercury’ appearing above it in smaller print. Now i understand that they’ve done this in soccer for a while but that is because european soccer is a cash cow…they do it to make a shit load of money…David Stern approved this just as a prayer that some WNBA team out there might make something more than negative money.
Pockets had to give a speech today…i wonder if anyone told him that “Show and Tell” doesn’t count as a speech….and requires no preparation or written paper….(i picture Mike packing a briefcase with his favorite action figure, some crayon pictures of fake charts and graphs, a sippy cup, and his favorite teddy bear with its leg closed in the suitcase so its sticking out a little bit…he’s got the little kid i’m important walk going on and he’s got his shirt buttoned wrong, shoes velcroed, and clip on tie secured)
In actuality….Pockets was doing a speech on procrastination (i’d imagine that it was to help other people at the office since he just won another award for getting his workload done first in the office) but what is ironic about this is that around 6 last night he still hadn’t written a word of it down…classic…procrastination for a procrastination seminar.
Go see the movie UP…it was awesome…how Pixar was able to work complicated issues dealing with loss, aging, single-parent households, divorce, and all sorts of other good stuff is impressive.
A Case Of The Mondays
So lets just get this out of the way early….Antsinmypants is the #1 reader/commenter. There are some people trying to take his throne…but have you ever posted a comment literally minutes after one of my posts? Have you done that numerous times? Have you texted me from work wanting a blog? Have you achieved the perfect shape of a man? NO….only antsinmypants has…
Anyways…
I don’t know what kind of crazy search engine/target market i have somehow joined where i get e-mails daily asking me if i like “Girls taking stiff penis from K9s” Or “pissing asian bukkake”. I may enjoy porn from time to time…but jesus…apparently combine that with a USAA membership and that skips standard sex and goes straight to girls screwing animals…..Would you like to open a USAA credit card….and would you also like to watch a girl get nailed by a horse? We see you made a car payment on time…how would you like to see Japanese girls get raped?
Holy crap…i’m not ready for all of that shit….
Speaking of USAA they are normally the shit…but currently….they are just plain shit…because they cut off my debit card due to “fraud concerns” but didn’t call me…so now netflix, att, and anyone else i used my card to set up automatic payements for…are up my ass….netflix is the best though…they don’t even bother calling…they just send me e-mails to make me feel guity…this is an actual title of an e-mail… “I guess we can’t send you movies now”. Netflix I like your style…but guess what…you’re not my disappointed Dad…you are a movie company hoping that i’ve found out a way to burn movies other than renting yours…burning them and sending them back.
I can’t stand the whole “green movement”….i think i’ve brought this up before…i’m all about saving the earth ‘n shit…but seriously I can’t take all of this smugness anymore…so here is what i’m going to do…I’m going to join Big Brothers and Sisters…and get myself a little kid and take them out feeding geese….instead of feeding them bread (which is wasteful…why feed geese that aren’t going to contribute to society) we are going to show up with uncut six pack rings and penny filled bread….We’ll go fishing with the six pack rings when we wait for them to sink and then watch as fish hopefully bob up to the surface…then as the geese swallow our heavy bread eventually it will kill them and we’ll take a pool skimmer to collect all of our winnings.
So you know what is demoralizing….going to work on a saturday night….I’m half away walking out of the buidling when i hear “click click click clack” that is the sound of dressed up girls going out on a saturday night…my sound of a saturday night involved yawning and sloppy footsteps…They are in dresses or nice clothes…i’m in wrinkled shorts…non-matching socks…and a wrinkled polo or t-shirt…
Its about that time when i’m not exactly mad at working overnight…but just realizing that i’ve accepted my fate as a retail employee….Normal people get to look forward to the end of the week EVERY week….overnight i get to look forward to it every other week….and on top of that i have to decide between being rested or hanging out with friends…the equivalent would be if you had a weekend off but knew you had to stay up unitl 10am to enjoy it….see my decision is…get a full night of sleep but only hang out for a few hours with everyone…and try to force down beers from the second i get up until i go to bed….OR…don’t sleep at all…hang out with people longer…but by the end of the night i’m a waste of life…if fucking sucks sometimes…
I found out that i’ve outgrown Eminem….but in his late 30’s now…he can’t shake shit he should have been over in his early 20’s. You can’t complain about your mom taking drugs and how she made you just like her….when you’ve made 100s of millions of dollars….because i’m pretty sure she didn’t have that money coming in when she raised you…you make your own path…yet he keeps on trying to create this sob story for himself….oh and good ol christopher reeves jokes….great job em…that shit was funny on your second CD…..10 years ago…or whatever it was…how in a 5 year layoff could you not come up without another person to base your songs off of…overall his cd has a couple pretty sick lines…but i still remember his first two cds…where it was something you hadn’t heard before…a new style…and cds with tracks you couldn’t skip over…his new release…i could skip over every track…seriously….there may be one or two if i heard it playing mid-song i’d wait until the end…the rest…i’d just change the channel…at this point…fuck rap….or hip hop…or whatever you want to call it…there isn’t a single artist on the radio that i would give my money to for their album…everyone’s just looking for the next ‘ringtone’ or music video instead of trying to actual be an artist and put out good music.
Worst part about eminem…he bitches about people being ‘after him’ and being an ‘enemy’ yet when people play pranks on him he acts like a dick….Just watch the clips from the MTV movie awards with Bruno (granted i wouldn’t like balls in my face but you don’t need your entourage swinging on the dude)…..and even the fact that he had a feud with a plastic dog hand puppet (Triumph). So how are the celebs supposed to take your jokes when you can’t take your own?
Remember when i said the next supreme justice should be hispanic? Yeah looks like that shit’s happening now…just goes to show you that you should take every single bit of advice from this blog….So far the big thing keeping her from getting her spot on the bench is her “wise latina” statement…where she basically said that she thought “a wise Latina woman” could reach a better conclusion than a white male….now here’s the problem with that….I have NO problem with a latin american being on the supreme court…in fact i favor it…but lets make sure we don’t just appoint the first latina that comes to mind and fits the mold because it fits both the female and minority requirements….If Sotomayor is the best candidate that is fine…but i don’t want someone on the supreme court that is going to hold grudges and vote accordingly….you are supposed to be impartial in that respect….i would like her viewpoint on latin americans in the US but not if her viewpoint is skewed in the hatred aspect…..You wouldn’t want another white man nominated if he had statements saying that a wise white man was superior over other races…..so therefore i feel it is a valid point to bring up about Sotomayor….though i also feel the Conservative Republicans need to put the ‘ol linchin’ rope back in the shed until she’s allowed to address the statements….Us white males don’t exactly have a clean history in the US so…let give her a fucking chance…
By the way….I found out my store sells Obama trading cards….they are right in between X-men cards and Star Wars cards…no joke….funny shit though…but if he can deliver…atelast kids have something to look up to other than lightsabers and people that can shoot metal claws threw their knuckles….
