Holy Good Times Batman! Day Two
So random stuff first…see this way you have to wade through all of my non-sensical thoughts before you get to any topic or what you were actually hoping to read…
Racists are a very committed people. No matter what facts show that we are all equal they are still convinced ‘the darkies’ have smaller brains. The Jews run hollywood…and the world….The ‘wetbacks’ are taking our jobs….and the rest of the world can go fuck themselves….That takes a lot of conviction….its not the everyday person that can stand unflinching behind such narrow viewpoints….Hats off to you racists…this is your day…
I was seriously contemplating getting a sugar glider as a pet (its a fucking flying squirrel that is for sale!) until i went to forums on them. They make loud noise at night (no big deal for me…we’re up at the same time) probably not too good for the roommate situation. They have stink glands…they compared them to ferrets…though ferrets are fun to play with…they fucking smell…You have to buy atleast two or they get depressed (not if i just add some zoloft in their diet though) and apparently they shit everywhere…and it takes multiple cage cleanings a week to keep up with them….The thing they do have going for them….oh did i mention they are flying fucking squirrels..yeah…obviously its name would be Rocky and i would be fitting it for some old fashioned pilot goggles/helmet combo.
So did you hear Canada was all full of themselves about being prepared for Swine flu. This post is completely serious and is actually quoted from Canadian officials…When they talked about their preparation….they said “we have had an extensive campaign alerting Canadian citizens to the importance of covering their mouth when coughing or sneezing as well as washing their hands multiple times a day”. Congratulations Canada it took a Swine Flu scare to upgrade to common decency/sanitation/manners. Wow…fuckin’ Canada man.
JMU Mike made me take this picture down from facebook because of his co-workers. Well guess what…they don’t read the blog…
Sexy
Deal with your actions Mike…Guess this leads nicely into our cruise recap…day two style…
This day was Key West. The first noticeable thing had to be from 2343…Pockets and Ant’s room…when they informed us that when the ship slowed down it rocked and vibrated their cabin to the core…no wake-up call needed.
Anyways, we ended up not linking up to get to shore because JMU mike thought that meet at 8 at the information desk really meant maybe we’ll meet up with them at breakfast around 8?
So me Mike, and Eadsy took our separate trolley into the main part of Key West, which was quite entertaining because of our awkwardly cheerful driver. Not because he was cheery…but because there was no fluctuation in his attitude no matter what he was discussing. First he was giving interesting facts about the area…well before you know it he said “Don’t forget your ID because you’ll need it to get back to the boat. I know, you’re a citizen of the US and you are still in the USA but ever since 9/11 you can’t do things like that anymore…It changed everything….” (awkward silence) then he just goes right into something like…HEY look at the fucking chicken off to the right of the road! A little further down the trip he started talking about how you can drive down US Route 1 from FL to get there “It an absolutely beautiful drive during the daytime, during the night with ran and wind it is quite horrific however!” ”Off to your left is the blah blah blah building”.
So he drops us off….now maybe we should have figured that because this whole island is one big beach we should bring our swim suits…NOPE not us pillars of intelligence…lets just rock our regular clothes. So of course about a half hour later we were on a 28 mile jet ski tour around Key West. (that was fucking awesome by the way.)
I was nervous at the start of it…considering i’d never ridden a jet ski and the training they give you is literally about 30 seconds long. Green button turns it on….there aren’t brakes…here’s the throttle…watch out so you don’t hit people. (i really wanted to swerve towards a manatee and dive off of the jet ski wolverine style arms open and all, and then choke that fucker out…now that would have made a story!). So we start going and i’m cautiously going half speed…then i hit it full throttle thinking…hey this is manageable speed…well i didn’t realize that would take me from about 20MPH to 60MPH….i’m gritting my teeth and attempting not to fall off….after a while you get the hang of it though and going balls out 60mph on the water is a shit load of fun…especially when you can ramp off of waves and such…
Anyways, the jet ski tour eventually ends and we meet up with Ant and Pockets after we see Ant making his bid for Mayor of Key West…Dude is talking to EVERYONE…shaking hands….kissing babies…speaking to Pirate street performers…We find out the open sea is a little too much for poor ‘ol pockets to handle…see the boys went on a snorkeling trip…no one told pockets not to drink the salt water…next thing you know he’s puking through his snorkel.
Its about quitting time this point in Key West…so we catch the trolley back…between 30-40 people are on this thing…everyone else gets to sit with someone we went on the cruise with…except for me…I get to sit next to a large woman….and i have soaking wet shorts…bad combo….
About halfway through the drive…Ant stands up ruffles my hair and announces its my birthday…which is funny since my birthday isn’t until…AUGUST…before i know it the whole trolley is singing happy birthday…then to add insult to injury Ant tells them its my 30th (though i’m 24) and starts talking about my “rough divorce” and “4 kids” that i apparently have had….Fun times…
Well…its time to get Fucking Drunk!
We get on the boat and its time for some Hobo Ass Mint Julips….(refer to last post about mint flavored whiskey due to mouth wash containers not being washed out properly) We hit that pretty hard….i lose some money at the casino…and before you know it…its time for semi-formal dinner.
Our Balcony room (JMU Mike, Eadsy, and myself) and The servants quarters (Pockets, and Ant’s sea level windowless room) had separate dinning rooms to eat in. Pockets and Ant meet some lovely cougars….Our room sits down with 4 ladies and a socially retarded behemoth named George….Now see George is one of those guys that IS a good guy…but can only say awkward things…he can’t help it…they just keep on dropping out of his mouth. Luckily I saved the day with much witty banter…at first it just started with joking around…but after a few more drinks I catch a smile appear across JMU Mike’s face…and that smile got there because I have just dropped my first ‘f-bomb’ at a nice dinner…well the flood gates opened…cussing was thrown all over the damn place…luckily i kept people laughing…
Later…after dinner i drunkenly enter the large Karaoke bar and meet up with the lovely ladies again….I sing a song…and order way too many drinks for myself and others because hey…its on a card…and that cruise expense card is tied to my credit card with the highest limit…so its basically monopoly money at this point….The second i uttered “red headed sluts for everyone” i should have known it was over…
Luckily karaoke is shut down before my next song ‘bootlicious’ comes up…i thought it would be funny to sing….thank god i didn’t have to back that up.
We then head to the club on board….more drinks…have met up with the rest of the guys at this point….I’m dancin all over the place with a few of the girls…try to drunkenly learn the cuban shuffle…and call it a night.
While i’m asleep i hear that Eadsy tries a line on one cougar…”I teach professional shooters how to shoot” that was his fake profession.
JMU mike says he’s a doctor…and general practitioner to be exact…which Eadsy retorts “ooooohhhhh kkkay Dr. Mike!”
JMU or should i say Dr. Mike gets a sweet novelty drink out of the whole thing though…
That about wraps it up…as I slumber we approach Cozumel….
MEXICO
You boys like mexicooooo!?!?!?
Beaches, Boats, and Backrubs….Day 1 (and other stuff too)
Before i get started on our vacation recap…a few random things…
My Bologna only has a first name….O..S..C..A..R but never know how to spell the last name…I just start with “M” and trail off…
If I was a porn star my name would be “Dong Johnson” and i would be dressed up Miami Vice style…with just the crotch cut out of my pants…
General Tso sucked as a military leader if he is best known for his Chicken….but then again…that shit is awesome. Only problem though…my sauce on that shit the other day must have been cooked in a volcano because it came out molten lava ass hot….after 10 minutes (after being delivered) i still ended up with scraps for the roof of my mouth….I guess those must have been his military tactics…. touche Gen. You have struck again!
Chivalry isn’t dead….I say Reciprocation is dead. Girls…you wants to be wined and dined…treated like princess….doors opened…seats pulled out (which really isn’t that much effort)…but…you don’t want to have to do anything for it…i’m not talking about giving a fellacing or anything (though i’m pretty sure its always appreciated) i’m just saying that you all keep this scorecard the whole time…put all this pressure on us…and then wonder why a date might not go as well as you hoped….I’m trying to think of what the guy’s version of a scorecard is…but i can’t really think of one….it basically consists of… 1) Was it a good time 2) cool girl? someone i could see hanging out with again 3) did she atleast make some sort of reach for the check (i never let them pay…but its the fact you are making the polite effort).
Along these same lines….Talking about relationships…people are always concerned about having to share a hobby or showing interest in the other person’s interests….seriously…just be you…if you pick up a few things on the way and you happen to grow to like them that’s cool. You don’t have to annoyingly fake trying to like my favorite sports team or band….but what you could do….not scoff if i stop on sportscenter for a bit….because I let you watch you sex and the city….instead of trying to learn players names or memorize stats you have no interest in….a better move…if i’m at work and i miss a game…or you see a show you think i might like is on…DVR it…that would be fucking sweet…get home thinking i missed something and its there waiting. I would endure some chick flicks, or watch the L word or something if efforts like that were made…
…Just sayin
JMU Mike rigs his Hypothetical questions….see i’ve known mike for a while…and anyone that has known mike for a while should know he loves hypotheticals…
So if you could have sex with one girl but you had to kill yourself afterwards who would it be? (that one…not so bad)
Here’s a more maddening example…
you could be a super rich guy with a rockin body, nice clothes.. are successful, does well with women and leads and active life…but are a dick and work a ton of hours
or
you could be fat and lazy…don’t worry about money…wear track suits all day and get hot women….
which would you choose….I chose number 1 because i would like to have an active lifestyle….See this is where mike has already picked out an answer for you and will for about 5 minutes steer you in one definite direction until you either cave to the side he wants or just stop talking… ”but you Really work ALOT of hours…and people Know you are a DIIIIIIIIICK” …”Track suits are comfortable…and you could play video games all day”
One of his favorites…how much money would it take to get you to suck a dick…And when i keep saying ‘No’ he raises it to 10 billion dollars…and when i still say ‘No’ he says that’s bullshit because everyone has their price…
So i ask him (and this first part happens anytime you try to ask him one of his own questions)….he will either immediately change the subject, or get back to whatever event was occurring before he posed this question (in this case we were watching the caps vs rangers playoff game.) Finally, I don’t let him dodge and he said…he wouldn’t suck a dick for all the money in the world…
So now its ok to give as an answer…Mike just wanted to hear me say i’d suck a dick..
The one he used in college was…would you suck a dick to save a family member…
So of course i said yes…but angrily because he had worked out so many scenarios…he finally got one that had no way out..
So anyways…
DAY ONE
We are off on vacation and we start with the flight to Miami and i’m sitting next to Brian. Sitting next to brian on the flight was a joy because he had only flown once….And anytime a change of altitude or the slightest bit of turbulence occurred i just heard this kind of mix between growling and humming coming from him as he smashed himself against the back of his chair….
Funnier still was the fact that the only things i could think of were stories about scary stuff that happens during flights…i managed to supress myself….that is until the landing..
We were real close to landing and everytime the plane would dip down a little bit..Brian would rise up a little bit while trying to stop on the imaginary brake pad in front of him (at one point he laughed an stated he was going to stop the landing like fred flintstone if he kept it up). Well finding this funny…i looked out the window and said in a low voice…”we’re going down”. I got this brief wide eyed look…a vicious stop of his foot hit the floor as sweat started to bead on his forehead…
Classic.
We get to Miami…The AL picks us up and we go into South Beach….Too bad the first thing we see is a lady twitching holding her leg after being hit by a car…”Welcome to South Beach!” I was about to be in an episode of CSI: Miami (there were already people there so we didn’t stop). We get to a bar overlooking South Beach that sells grain alcohol drinks and take in the scenery….the trees were pretty cool too.
Stop by the ABC store pick up our booze that we are planning on sneaking on…chug leftover jack….get to port….the guy that is supposed to check our bags for anything we aren’t supposed to have is more involved in his frozen yogurt….Alcohol makes it on fine…good thing we snuck it in Listerine bottles…nothing like some mint flavored Jack…and Vodka…Oh well…beats paying full price the whole time.
We get on board and immediately our neighbors decide to start smoking weed. No big deal…for the moment….
We exlored the boat…got some food…I lost a good amount of money in the casino…we got drunk…I was all pissy for some reason…
Not alot went on for day one….but its just the start..
I promise the vacation recap will be much better starting with day 2.
That’s when “shit gets real”
RACKBAWL!
Bitch Vs. “The C Word”
First of all how adorable is pockets?
Seriously don't fuck with this guy!
There is nothing more intimidating than a man with pockets….especially a man with a truck on his shirt as well…That truck says…i’m about to dump a bunch of shit on my own arguments with hazy facts and gray areas all over the place. Nice job though pockets…because on the day i couldn’t get to sleep and started throwing up thanks to my cold…there was one cure i guess….Pockets trying to meld himself with his girlfriend….MixedAssRaechel…..Oh i get it…power must turn you on…’I sat in Barack’s chair’ that’s cool…i went to the white house too…maybe my dad doesn’t own a fucking island….but shit..i thought it was pretty cool and all i got to do is look at Barack’s many chairs…oh and i guess he wasn’t elected yet…but i knew Bush was done…so it was just better to invision it was already all about Obama….
Wow…that picture was big….took a lot of enters to get past that bad boy…anyways…i was just looking for an excuse to use mike as a south park person…now to the meat of things…
The word Bitch Vs. The Word Cunt…
I think that one of Rap’s greatest contributions to society is the watering down of the word bitch….bitch used to signify harsh feelings…towards men or women…but now bitch can be used in a joking manner…”you ready to drink bitch?!?” (insert arm punch or limp wrist). ”bitch please” ”BBD” (but bitches do). HEY BITCH! (hello you fine female i just wanted to meet your acquaintance) The C word…not such luck…though as the words fuck and bitch have been dumbed and watered down further and further…CUNT has held its own….It is still the modern day mother fuckin A-Bomb for Females….wanna escalate an argument as quick as possible or end a friendship…Cunt is the answer…fuck…don’t even joke with that….i’ve had some friends that take all sorts of offensive jokes…and i tried to Really ‘push the envelope’ (who came up with that phrase by the way…only way ‘push the envelope’ would actually mean what you use it for is if you were pushing an envelope towards a normal girl trying to change her path into that of Whoredom) and call my girl friend (not girlfriend) a cunt….bad decision. Seriously…i say the word ‘Cunt’ is the most offensive word in modern America…and since we are the best country on the planet…the fucking world! (see fuck is just an adjective now)
Speaking of america….i still think the fact that we are talking about GM is bullshit….We are sticking to WWII philosphies about the economy…You know what is killing economies…GLOBALIZATION…say it with me…GLOBALIZATION…its not a bad thing…but it is OF COURSE…going to have side-effects. See globalization says that with communication barriers and trade barriers being basically non-existant we are becoming one world economy…not how things used to be…Overall it will be good for the world…but i see this issue silently building up and being the cause of many huge wars….The auto industry is the start….Ok the Japanese can make cars for relatively low costs and are way more reliable Vs. american cars….might look prettier (sports cars atleast…well i’m partial to the Vette) but guess what…fall apart…lower gas mileage. So I know there have been plenty of signs of globalization of the world’s economy…but this should cause people to wake up…it is no longer good to have your own people under your spell (unless your China…but most countries don’t get to rely on billions of robot human’s spending money automatically) you need to convince the world of your competitive advantage…So great job Detroit…keep telling us you need billions more…so that we can sustain your weaker product…yeah, we’ll lose jobs…but apparently we are incapable of learning any lesson at all. We don’t look at an inferior product…we just look at the fact we might lose a big company…
Honda can wipe its own ass…
GM can too but wants to tell everyone when they do and get pissed when you’re not impressed or surprised any more.
this is why…
We need to visit the SATs…try this one
America: World
NY Yankees: MLB
You see…good Ol George Steinbrenner every year gets pissed his team hasn’t won a world series championship and every year he goes about it the same way…Lets throw money at the top name free agents (hare brained ideas) fuck our farm system (actually building what makes up our economy) and what’s this..year after year…their team salary climbs higher…but their results are either the same or worse…you see who represented the American League last year….Tampa Bay…that’s right…the Tampa Bay Devil Rays….their payroll was about half as large as the Yankees…probably even more…but realized a cohesive team beats a team made up of a collage of superstars…
Anyways…that’s what i’m saying…US is just looking for quick fixes…not trying to solve what actually caused the problems in the first place..(need more proof…the younger generation, or ‘our generation’ for my readers, are going to have to pick up the cost for this deficit….no social security is fine to people in office now because their chief constituents are already getting it and will get it until they die…meanwhile while those politicians wither away with their heap of money and social security our generation will be stuck footing the bill with a big ol middle finger drawn in the middle…Thanks!)
So this moves great into my next…lighter humored topic…I think there should be a ‘drug’ called Fukitol
They prescribe drugs for everything else…if you are disgruntled and you walk into some wishy washy doctor’s office…ask for a prescription of Fuckitol….Side effects include general disorder, cursing, lack of productivity, and anger. A lackluster attitude, and lack of a drive to succeed, or be cordial….a corrosion of professional behavior….And see in this economy everyone should be able to be given one free dose a year lasting about 2 weeks….You just hand the slip to your boss and next thing you know…’Poof!’ you are absolved of all workplace sins!
Bonerjams09…you look too much like Jared Allen (DE of the Vikings) remember back in the middle ages when kings had people to taste their food? BJ09 you should be Jared Allen’s version of that for life…any time there is a big decsion for him to make he tests you out for it…Party Boat with Fred Smoot round II…send your “Life Stunt Double” on first….Oh shit! Jared it was awesome…hookers on board…sex everywhere…all sorts of cubed cheese…but its going to be a huge scandel….jared allen atleast knows what he’s up against..
I bet some hardcore Chemists log on to Chemistry.com expecting to find the most comprehensive chemistry website out there…are disappointed when they find out that it actually a dating website…maybe they still don’t know when they sign on…make profiles of them in their thick rimmed glasses and lab coats…interesting include finding new elements and testing the accuracy of atomic weights….just makes it more of a slap in the face with a lack of responses back…
I want to go on fake interviews…i’m fine with my job..but it would be a great way to blow off steam….
Interviewer:What is one word that describes yourself?
Me: I would say….Champion of the human race (kisses biceps)
Interviewer: Uhhh…(cough)…ok that’s way more than one word
Me: Yeah its a phrase…so it counts…
Interviewer: OOOOkkkk…Where do you see yourself going with this company?
Me: So your playing HARDBALL HUH!
Interviewer: What?
Me: Ok you asked me where I see myself…so obviously i’m already hired…(shove him out of his chair) Hey Sweetheart! (to his secretary) I’m gonna need ALOT more porn in here…
Me: thank you for your time…
Interviewer: Security!…..
So that’s all i’ve got for today…oh yeah…and it my first day of vacation…
just sayin…
Its awesome…
How sex started.
First off…BonerJams…why have you fallen off of the comment train..i used to think you were cool…
The Al…i know you can’t be too busy….lets see a little comment action (i’ll call you later today about staying in miami after the cruise)
ok that being said…blog time.
Is it bad that while everyone else is excited for the cruise i keep on waiting for something bad to happen (this happens everytime before a vacation for me). This happens because i feel what is ahead of me is so awesome it can’t possibly happen. And last night i got my first scare, I started to develop a cough…there are multiple people at work that have felt like crap for about 2 weeks now…you better believe i have started an Airborne Cocktail around the clock until we leave…cuz i’m not fucking getting sick for this.
A girl on my team got about 50lbs of weave put in her hair…so far everyone is complementing her on it…my thought on it though is….your face looks so surprised there is only one way to go…’oh! that looks great’ because the only other way to go is a surprised negative reaction….”Oh! God! that looks like shit!”
So anyways…i was thinking on my commute home…which is even easier since my radio doesn’t work…Let me allow you to ponder a question…Who was it that first found out how to make babies???
The dude caveman looks down at the disgusting erect thing guiding him like one of those sticks they use to find water. Ugh…i don’t know what this is doing or how to satisfy it…but i’m gonna give it a try. I think for a while alot of inanimate objects had semen all over them until someone got it right. There were probably puddles everywhere….
Oh that is disgusting…but for some reason…i feel like that should be inside of me says cave lady. Or the other experiment…they finally find out disgusting rod A goes in some disgusting hole. No, not that one…this one is already slimy…that must be the right one.
When you think about it though…when just staring a a girl…how would you know??? how is this done…And then furthermore…you have to wonder the fundamental things that attract females and males..
Because before fashion and cultural reasons dictated attraction…it was just pure animalistic nature. It didn’t matter what kind of car the caveman drove…or cavewoman’s personality or blow job skills. It was just purely…this dude seems in control…and dude says…this girl seems like she will satisfy this problem im having in my crotchal region right now.
I mean shit…look at what has been considered attractive by ours and other cultures past and present. There was a time when being pale was attractive because it meant you didn’t have to be outside laboring away…basically the equivalent now to a benz or something. If the guy, or girl was pasty…that meant they had a life of privilege. Throw in the fact they may be fat…and you’ve found the good life. This was before platinum, name brand clothes, automobiles, and cell phones…so that was probably the quickest message….Oh shit, that guy if fat and almost transparent…maybe if i have sex with him me and my future children will stand less of a chance of dying in the winter. End of fucking story back then.
But you look even now…some countries are HUGE into big hips…i’m not talking about asses here…i’m talking about hips…some places in Africa women wrap themselves over and over again in extra clothing around their wastes to appear to have the widest hips possible. This is for the simple reason of ease of bearing children.
Three things i don’t get….Lip plates…Bound Feet….and neck rings….Oh sweet…you have a really long neck good for you. Bound feet, i’ve always found deformed feet, and a difficultly walking attractive…you’re right up my alley, Lip plates…fuck yeah, i don’t wanna kiss you, i don’t want you to give me head, and i really want to jump rope with your bottom lip after you take it out…what the fuck…well to each their own.
Now on to America…Why was being so skinny so in style? I’m not talking about in shape skinny…i’m talking about kate moss coked out skinny. Ohh…nothing’s hotter than a woman that looks like a little boy. It doesn’t make sense from the animal instinct either. Atleast i can try to hide my love of boobs behind the fact that i just want a woman with the capacity to feed my kids….Curves…sure give me some….gotta have a healthy woman to raise a family…girls with no asses? why?
Women’s attraction to men make sense….atleast body wise….Arms, Chest…defensive. Women look to men for protection, so you look for the body parts that do so. Girls find tattoos hot…well i see that as them recognizing their guy can take pain…or wont run away.
Do you realize that sex is such a drive to people that there is a billion dollar a year industry exists just so one person can watch other people having sex on video?
Then oral sex…its not really practical….I mean don’t get me wrong…i probably the most fantastic invention in the history of man. Wanna prove it…If you had to go without the internet your whole life or oral sex…what would you choose…exactly.
But i’m just thinking…who thought about it first…Ancient Egypt….China…basically all civilizations have drawings or texts related to it. I’m going to guess that originally it was forced on women…only because back then…women were almost seen as property to men…so when the man didn’t feel like exerting himself…he found a way the woman could do all the work and he could still get the same reward. For that reason…first woman to recieve cunilingus, Nefertiti. First woman (at least recognized), to have the power to Demand such an act…i’m not saying it wasn’t performed before…but with her…there was no choice…so MixedAssRachel…next time you think about screaming ‘oh god’ when Pockets whips out his Gene Simmons like tongue…remember to say instead…”thank you Nefertiti”.
Cheaney Vs. Biden
Our former VP is an idiot…he says that current things being passed by Obama is putting our country more at risk. I side with Biden on this one…although i really don’t like the guy…he seems like a grandpa his kids just dropped off at a retirement home and left him to figure things out for himself. He doesn’t really know what’s going on..he’s kind of fed of when he finds out…doesn’t know the rules yet…and doesn’t know his place. Anyways, Biden said that Cheaney was completely wrong…and i agree. So we may have tried to stop torture (and look i really could give a shit less about confirmed terrorists…but you can’t go on record and condone torture…i mean that was fucking dumb) and shut down Gitmo. But look with Obama’s charisma…the world may feel comfortable to actually follow us again, and have faith in our decisions. We didn’t even have faith in Bush’s decisions again…it was like Mr.Toad’s Wild Ride at Disney…you know you’re about to go in the hot ass hell room…but there is nothing you could do…no matter how loud you yelled…you were going there…your car is on a mother fucking track (you may have noticed i didn’t have a great time on that ride as a kid). So what’s more dangerous…having super strict rules that punish your enemies very harshly and set examples…or getting more people on your side…eliminating entire countries of people that will grow up to hate us and or think of us as idiots?
Pirate Mike is no more…its only Pockets…he now refuses to pirate new movies….sure we get movies maybe a week early now…but that’s it..no more award show copies…no more theater bootlegs….Pockets! feel around that face a little more…its not Peter Pan…its a face full of lies…the sooner you realize that…the sooner i get my pirate mike back…along with very early screenings of movies!
N. Korea + Fast and Furious = End of World
First off, I saw Billy Madison today…finally…10 years too late…so now you can’t hold that against me. I swear when people found out I hadn’t seen it, it was like i just told them i couldn’t read. How are you going to judge me based on a movie where Adam Sandler has to go back through grade school? It was pretty good…but i think i also had the Goonie effect…The Goonies were the shit in the 80s when i watched it as a kid. That was one of my favorite movies. I watched it in college and completely ruined any nostalgic feelings i had towards it….and just could shake how much of an asshole Corey Feldman was even at that young age.
So North Korea…what the fuck are you doing….well really i can’t say that….World, what have we been doing with that country over the last 20 years or so. We just allow their scare diplomacy to keep repeating itself over and over again, just assuming they aren’t really that big of a threat. Well guess what they finally followed through with what they said they would do, meanwhile we haven’t. What the fuck is a point of passing a resolution if you aren’t going to back it up. That is why i really didn’t have a problem with invading Iraq. It sent a message of..don’t fuck with us…don’t jerk us around…you can’t just throw out the fact that you might have nukes…or kick out weapons inspectors, making it look like you are doing something wrong and just expect to be able to kick your feet up on the table and laugh at everyone. Kim Jong Il did you forget you are North Korea? You’re not the USSR, just because you are behind in the times and are probably so backwards that you still have that country on your maps…it doesn’t mean the world still operates that way. I mean even their excuses are behind the times….Oh its not a long range missle launch…its a satellite. Really? We were using that excuse back in the 40s (weather balloons and roswell…remember that)…and it was a lame back then. Did you think we wouldn’t notice that there aren’t any more satellites in orbit. I’m sure all the N.Korean officials were high fiving each other…’we got those fuckers!’ they thought…too bad in the US or in the UN everyone was just shaking their heads. North Korea would be like the middle school kid that somehow still believes in Santa….you kind of leave him alone and let him figure it out for himself, meanwhile you ignore his threats about how you are going to get a lump of coal for Christmas.
So another sign that the world is about to end is the fact that the new fast and the furious movie is the #1 movie in America. Even more depressing is the fact that it is beating out Pixar films….It did more its opening weekend than ‘Cars’ and ‘Monsters Vs. Aliens’ and monsters vs aliens even had 3-D in it. How could we let this happen? How does Vin Diesel get to revive his career while so many deserving talented people and professionals watch their careers disappear. You know none of the actors even had to look at a script. The director starts to say something…paul walker and Vin just say…”Push the pedal down…play some ja rule music…yeah we got it”. I bet you anything Vin Diesel got to ad lib…not because he is an acting prodigy but because the script/plot had to be basically non-existent…They just picked out cars and started filming. One trailer some chick says something like which do you want more (shows a car and her) Vin Diesel says…Both…I can always appreciate a nice body. Then FAST AND THE FURIOUS pops up on the screen. Meanwhile i’ve got my hands on my head and am jumping off the couch…oh jesus! are you kidding me….oh man..please tell me this can’t be…we are paying this guy millions. I wish this frachise would just Tokyo Drift off a fucking cliff.
There is a show coming out called pitchmen it basically has Billy Mays and the Australian dude that does the point and paint and some other products…evaluating other people potential infomercial products. I can’t wait for a full of him self Billy Mays play the roll of ‘expert’ . Billy Mays here!!! you product sucks balls get the fuck out of here!
Spike TV is 100% in tune with their audience. How do i know this….here was the line-up last night. 3 hours straight of UFC….4 episodes of 1000 ways to die complete with corny punch lines….followed by Manswers (which always finds ways to work boobs questions into the mix)…and they are showing previews every commercial break of a show where they take a bunch of ancient weapons and smash shit with them to find out which warrior group was the best. Bravo Spike, you are doing what you were created to do. Remember when that channel used to be called TNN….i don’t think anyone ever watched TNN for anything…The only shows i could think they used to have were ‘Renegade’…’walker texas ranger’…and ‘Hee Haw’. You remember Renegade…it was the show about the ex-con thats style of Justice consisted of a motorcycle…mullet…denim vest…and a sawed off shotgun….fuck yeah! I feel like kids all across Canada still have posters of that fucker up in their bedrooms.
The movie Choke…and Gran Torino….both great movies…don’t listen to Ant. It does crack me up though because you normally know if Ant is having a good time or not by about half-way through the movie…If he says nothing…you’re fine…that just means he’s indifferent. Once the word ridiculous is uttered…fucking forget it. Its game over…Ant doesn’t want to hear any more about the movie once it is over…and his only retort to questions about what he thought of the movie will be as follows…”oh man, are you kidding me” “That movie was FUCKING RIDICULOUS” …a sarcastic drawn out OK…or a simple head shake. I’m sorry movies are ridiculous to you Ant, i’ll shoot a movie for you that consists of mediocre days at work.. a half hour of commuting from work singing to songs and cussing at bad drivers…followed by an acceptable dinner, balancing a checking account and going to bed at a reasonable hour. There’s your realism. I like strange or quirky movies because they are different, because its something you don’t see everyday, it helps break up the monotony….Because its not realistic, because i thought movies were supposed to kind of take you out of your own life…
Choke was a book written by the same guy that wrote fight club. Its about a guy that’s a sex addict, his sex addict friends, and the fact that he chokes on food on purpose to get money and affection out of people.
but thats just me….Ant you can stop shaking your head now…no more movie blog speak.
