What really happened to our economy…
So my idea relating to the economy..yet another theory.
This one is based off of myths and lore from yesteryear.
I’m speaking of course of the NASDAQ Indians.
Now you see before Columbus landed in North America…Vikings landed first…and what they found was the largest tribe of Native Americans ever known…only problem…no artifacts…or people survived the epic fights…
The Vikings pillaged and burned…burned and pillaged…and threw in some rape for good measure. They went to their capital city (right around modern day new york) and demanded to speak to the chief. They had heard that this tribe was blessed with unfathomable amounts of gold and treasure. When the chief couldn’t present the gold…the vikings got angry. Sven (their leader) demanded their riches. Blackfoot (the NASDAQ leader) explained to them that their gold was in fact legendary, but that it wasn’t in money, but in friendship…community..and culture… This angered Sven…he wiped out the entire people as well as anything proving their existence. Before Blackfoot died however, he told Sven…that he or any other person would suffer the NASDAQ’s great revenge if anyone ever encroached on their land again…whoever built on their land would be robbed of all of their money…as ironic payback from when they were robbed of their own ‘gold’.. Just so happens that is where Wall St. currently resides.he said the curse for settling on his land would strike 793 years from that point…guess what year it was…yup you guessed it…1215. No wonder it showed its ugly head in 2008.
However a small force of people were later discovered…very distant descendants of the NASDAQs they were said to have been turned white from the purity of their distant ancestors….so white that they would need “SPF 500″ not to burn….they founded the S&P 500 . Rich…up tight…and not willing to change much…comfortable with their entrenchment in society.
I don’t think these are too many coincidences to ignore…
In response…we launch a ‘pocket sized’ attack. Send Pockets out feeling faces…asking each one…”Is that you?” eventually he will find our country’s Peter Pan.
Oh and the Civil War? didn’t happened….why would the call us “The UNITED States of America” if we were two separate entities at one time… dummies.
More stuff about women…
So more dates falling through without any reason given….it would be a lot easier if the girl just said…yeah i’m not interested…but things are going good…next thing i know…just complete cut off of communication.
Anyways…
Why is acceptable for a woman to condemn certain friends a man hangs out with…or certain hobbies or activities that she doesn’t like…but it is completely out of bounds for a man to do the same. When you stop a guy from hanging out with his guy friends he doesn’t get to have ‘testosterone time’ so he is more likely to not believe to behave like a caveman for a sustained period of time. Without this necessary burnoff the girlfriend is likely to feel most of the repercussion. Don’t be surprised if he now only wants to ‘watch the game’ and wont pay attention to you when you talk to him.
Let him drink some beer…hang out with the guys…play video games…it will only be good for you in the end.
But yeah like i was saying…if I were to tell a girl flat out “i don’t like friend X I don’t want you hanging around them anymore” I would be labeled and insensitive dick. A girl does it…no nevermind demands it…or takes the backdoor approach. “I’m not saying you can’t hang out with him…I don’t want you to lose a friend…but i just don’t like being around him”. But from what i’ve experienced (maybe its just because for the majority of relationships i’ve had the girls have been pretty clingy) it just leads to a huge fight or face losing a friend. But i guess what my point is…is that i haven’t heard a guy friend say…you can’t hang out with your friend…but i’ve heard of plenty of examples of this coming from girls…I don’t know what really gives them the right sometimes (i’m not saying its all women…just saying it happens). For as much as its said that it is supposed to be a partnership…and women want to be treated like equals…some women really are just looking for an opening to try and change their man and/or impose their will on them.
Another inequality. Have you ever heard the “why can’t guys buy me drinks at the bar” argument. I’ve had it a few times….”its harmless…i’m not going to do anything..i’m with you…blah blah blah”….My perspective is that i don’t care if you don’t do anything…the guy’s intention isn’t innocent…and you know that, you are getting yourself in a questionable situation. Plus what would happened if i said “hey, I’m gonna go out with the guys and buy girls drinks.” I’m pretty sure it would be a little bit different of a response.
I know i don’t have a lot of room to bitch…but bitch is what i’m about to do. I managed to dodge a lot of the effects of the economy until this month…and it was like that fucker was just standing behind me doing everything i was doing…I feel like elmer fudd…i’m spining around to see who is behind me but the ‘waskly wabbit’ is spinning with me still behind me making fun of me…when i finally catch him he plants a kiss on me and my bell shapped rifle misfires in my face….yeah that’s what its like…i was banking on an extra 8000 a year…got almost 2000 instead…it would be ok if it was spaced out…but here’s how it went….bunch of long days working in a row…find out i’m not getting the initial 10% raise….keep working….keep working…spirit gets battered…and when i’m a beaten man…here is your annual raise…the lowest you’ve had out of any year out of college.
That being said i realize to those not getting raises or without jobs…that i seem like a dick…but i’m just typing what i’m thinking…
End Blog Transmission.
Working to live…or living to work?
So…right now i’m feeling more like i’m living to work…not working to live..and that sucks..I came to this realization last night. I am overly bored on my days off…I am running out of things to do, and right now my damn hand is keeping me from doing anything too productive. Well atleast as far as the guitar and lifting is concerned..i know what you’re thinking…Rudy you say you’re going to get back to the gym about every other week..but i actually was until i started working 14 hour days again…and now over the last few days off…i’ve realized i can’t wait for golf again…and i’m going to do whatever i can to get outside a lot more when its nice out. The reason being…no one should live to work…and right now i feel like i’m only sleeping in so that i’m not tired for work not because i enjoy it.
Last night…i literally sat on the couch pissed off for about 2 hours watching the same sports center over and over again because i just didn’t know what to do. I had no clue…run errands…nope…its 4 in the morning….hang out with people? nope its 4 in the morning….nothing else is on TV nothing is DVR’d…its dark out…nothing is open. Fuck….what a waste of a day. I find that right now i don’t like work…so i’m psyched to get home…only to be disappointed with the fact that I have no clue what it is I was so excited about in the first place. I’m trapped between two walls of hatred…and honestly its turning me into a person i don’t want to be. I’m not an angry person…but i’ve been pissed for every day except for last Sat for about a week or two now. I’m on edge and likely to either start bitching or give you shit for no reason…and it sucks…I wish I could just break out of this…FUUCK!
Anyways, part of this is because i got a call letting me know that some employee was bitching about all sorts of shit that “I haven’t done” ..thing is she is a huge gossiper and just makes it her life goal to try and stir the pot. In reality i’ve been working hard to try and make a bunch of small changes and be a better manager…but you have one of these ‘chat sessions’ for the team to talk to HR and you are bound to have a hypocrite or two spout off. Fuck em…seriously…and funny thing is…i’m the only manager in the building that knows the ins and outs of their and everyone else’s positions right now…so i know they really aren’t about to say shit to me….King Kong ain’t got shit on me….i’m gonna grow out a full goatee and start wearing a black skullcap and leather coat and training ethan hawk the ways of overnight…
My friends are cool people though…i can’t imagine trying to get through this possibly 3 year long overnight stint without such great friends. There are pictures of me in the living room…people cheer when i hang out….they keep relatively quiet during the day…and even try to hang out late with me on my days off.
Have you seen Jon Stewart’s destruction of Jim Cramer yet?? I know its a little old now…but holy shit…watch that interview…he just completely levels poor Jim Cramer…No matter how he runs his show now its gonna be called Mad Money just because he’s pissed he agreed to the interview…His head is drooping the whole time..eyes bulging out a little…everytime Stewart said something it looked like he was kicking a Pug Puppy (cramer) in the teeth. He was almost crying a few times…and everytime Cramer started to try and dig himself out of a hole the Daily Show would hit him with another clip showing how he was just completely contradicting what he had just said…
Only thing about that though….Jon Stewart kept on saying…’big wigs’ or ‘rich people’ like so and so….Jon Stewart…you are rich too and you can’t get on Jim Cramer for finding a niche in the financial television market when you work your only anger as the anchor of a fake news show….He’s intelligent…i’m just saying…stewart and colbert always win arguments because when all else fails recoil back into your funny guy shtick…its like he says…oh you’re a retard and you’re wife is a whore and when they fire back they go “oh pick on the innocent funny guy why don’t you”. I mean don’t get me wrong it makes great TV…i just think its dumb when the funny anchors say they have no power when they have tons of viewers and the ability to destroy a person’s career. And the thing for the people that go on the shows…its a huge Catch 22…you’ve been called out publicly to appear…so if you don’t you look like a coward and/or a lier…if you do…kiss your self-respect and public opinion goodbye.
Lost is the worst show on TV…i’m just glad i found that out after one episode unlike the suckers that have been watching it for like 8 seasons now. Polar bears don’t live in jungles…there aren’t smoke monsters….the problem is the same thing that initially seemed so cool. Atleast the first couple seasons the writers wrote the scripts weekly…so you get awesome M. night shamalyan twists…bad part is…you also get M Night ‘The Happeneing’ sort of twists…but since it is a series you have to commit to it. Oh wait though, that’s when they get you suckers again…this time with time travel and dream sequences….I mean i know at this point it is kind of like an investment…you might as well ride it out…its crashed through the floor but shit…its already gone this low…you have to hold on just for that simple fact that it may skyrocket back up with a fantastic finish.
How is American Idol still on TV…another show i don’t watch because i see 30 second snips of it and it is the same everytime. Crappy singer good personality crying and Simon tells them they are big giant craps….then paula slurs a few words together smiles and gives a thumbs up…Randy uses some slang to show everyone he is in fact both black and in touch with today’s youth. Give it a fucking break…America you have fallen in another trap as this show keeps on pumping out manufactured star after manufactured star and you feed them millions. Lets just call up Carson Daily (he can’t be doing much…is his show even on) he gets to fight Seacrest for corny host supremacy and that will decide whether american idol will merge with MTV and bring TRL back from the dead…or combine E! News, TMZ, and American Idol. Watch out though because watching that show is like performing an at home do it yourself lobotomy.
I’m horrible at Street Fighter II. I’m at the same level i was at when i was 5 years old playing that shit. I got my ass handed to me over and over again last night. But it did make me realize how much fun you could have off of the simple old forumlas of old video games. I also enjoy the fact that the Street Fighter video games are just one huge list of stereotypes. Ryo Japanese does karate and is bare foot, Guile flat top american looks like a d-bag, E-Honda fat sumo type hanging in a bath house, Vega…gay spaniard, Dee Jay Jamaican guy with dreads and ability to break dance, Blanca hairy brazilian with power to electrocute any foe unless countered with a sweep (that felt like finding the holy grail when you were a little kid when you finally found out how to beat your cheap friend that just mashed on the punch button and had a great time watching you get electrocuted over and over again). Also, i like that it is geared to the video game nerds that have never seen a real live naked woman. The 2 or 3 girls in the game have huge racks and Cammy wears next to nothing and shows off her ass after wins….This has gained her the new name Cammy Toe.
And if girls respond…just another way women are objectified…try this on….You say you want sensitive guys but lets be honest if you had guys just sitting around watching P.S. I love you all day with you….you’d dump his ass…or atleast think he’s gay. Some girls will say…”I hate it when guys feel like they have to pay for everything” my experience with that is…i’ll pay for 99% of dates…the one date i don’t pay for they get pissed….what happened to the hatred before? That’s right…I feel girls wishing for sensitive guys are more just airing the grievances about the differences between men and women than stating what they actually want. Lets face it…if i made now money, pulled up on a moped, suggested splitting the cost of a date, wanted to watch confessions of a shopaholic, and then suggested cuddling before possibly ‘making love’ you’d throw up. Now obviously this my point of view…as a guy…but i feel like…Women want to feel like women…they want to see their guy as someone strong and has the ability to be barbaric if called on to protect them…and as a man if you’re not able to actually ‘fuck’ your girlfriend and really give it to her every once in a while…you’re probably having great conversation…but she’s probably also going to start shopping around at least for some dick on the side. And women…give a blow job just because every once in a while…get you guy a beer…let him feel like a guy…if you know they like that shit…then spread the fucking wealth…everyone will be happy if both people can actually make them feel like they actually are.
(I went off on that tangent thanks to a post by Amber H. on www.eleganteeloquence.com)
…Done
I hate technology that doesn’t start with Xbox
So unless it is technology to play music or play video games i’m basically a 70 year old man. I just spent the last hour or hour and a half trying to scan the front and back of a check the right way for USAA to accept it and have now thrown in the towel…I’m pissed. I can’t believe that me at 24 cannot figure out the proper way to scan it…i’m hoping my scanner is just too good and the indention of the writing on the front shows up past the ‘do not write past this line’ line is what is doing it…because it was one of the options. Another one of the options has to be user failure…cuz that’s what happened…Holy Shit…that’s what happened…First i can’t figure out how to get it saved on the desktop (the mac looks beautiful but it takes a long time to find out all the specifics when you normally just use it for movies and the internet). And that my friends is what led me to believe i’m not fit to operate technology that isn’t iTunes or Xbox360…i can work magic with those fuckers…the internet…a router…scanner…forget about it. I’m suprised i’m even blogging…shit next week you’ll catch me on the corner dressed up like a newsie handing out flyers of my blog because i had a simple problem with my keyboard i couldn’t fix (would probably end up being something like…it is disconnected)
Anyways..FFFFFUUUUCK! I’m pissed i couldn’t figure that out….i can manage 20 people a night….write annual reviews for everyone….give inspired pep talks to the dayside team…but god forbid i work a god damn scanner…
ok…that feels better.
So at work we have vendors and they want to be rated well when they are doing good because it goes to their boss. Well this vendor was doing a good job and i’ve been working with him for a while and he said rate me high…i said ‘i’ll rate the shit outta ya’ What i didn’t take into account is that when not said clearly it sounds a lot like ‘i’ll rape the shit outta ya’ I had to run up to his truck before he left to make sure there was no confusion…and sexual harassment charges.
Living at the end of the hall is great for coming home from the bar…keep walking until you smack into the end of the hall…turn right…hold out key until it finds way into door. Its that easy….though for some reason i see one of us eventually going to the wrong floor.
It was JMU Mike’s b-day last weekend….25 how else to celebrate first but to go to mark’s pub…Nothing beats sitting next to a crazy black guy yelling at a group of drunk d-bag white guys….and then getting served full glasses of liquor with a red bull on the side…literally that is what it was served as. I think it’s because the bartender is all russian and shit and thinks a ‘red bull and vodka’ means we are making two separate orders…of course some red headed sluts visited us all as well because in a panic at the bar i verbally vomit red headed sluts! everytime and next thing you know we’re all doing rounds. Anyways, at the end of the night i went to tackle JMU Mike while he was running at me and somehow hit his knee or hand or something and sprained my thumb…its finally getting some mobility now but only has infant strength right now…you never realize how much a thumb does until you don’t have strength in it…its not even the pain that is bad…i just couldn’t hold things for a while..sucked…
So i’m going to let you guess what the next section is about…
- who wears short shorts? This guy wears short shorts.
If you were guessing JMU Mike’s 80’s themed birthday party you’d be right. Also acceptable would be discussing the change my body has undergone since college…but for now we’ll just focus on the b-day. It was great…as stated in the last post we got 80s clothes thanks to MixedAssRachel’s driving (Rachel i refuse to spell your name the ‘right’ way…especially after you told me about how you don’t like it when people spell their names in alternate ways…well last time i checked raechel is beyond alternate). We went to the Northern VA Salvation army dump…and holy shit….i should just wait there every day for opening…JMU Mike got a Joseph A. Banks coat and some Rockport shoes…both in great condition…what the hell…people threw that shit out. I found some fancy adidas shiny blue shorts and some nice shirts…one sleeveless ‘ballstars’ shirt that is also a keeper. Its so hilarious to me that it has become a new favorite…i just can’t picture someone wearing it seriously and competing in athletics while wearing it….anyways….that’s beside the point. JMU Mike went Miami Vice all over everyone’s ass….Katie, Annie, and MixedAssRachel all pulled off the 80s work out gear….Rhonda went 80s sitcom star….Pockets (no more pirate mike…it will only be referred to when talking about illegal downloading…for now on it will be Pockets, Pocks, The Pocks, P-Sizzle, P Diddy, Hot Pockets, or Lean Pockets if youre nasty) dressed up like a break dancer…and danced his little heart out…complete with about a 6-inch square of cardboard to him to dance on. Me, Bonerjams, and Ant all went short shirts tight shirts and sweatbands…80s style…and then proceeded to have basketball practice…complete with bounce passes…chest passes…posting up…gaurding….and warm-ups….
We all surrounded MixedAssrachel during a John Legend song and danced on her not allowing her to get out of the circle…i’m pretty sure she’s about a week away from washing off that filth.
Funny thing about the party was…outside of about 2 or 3 people it was our normal gang of people hanging out…which just speaks volumes to how well we all get along cuz that party was fantastic!!! It was just a reason for all of us to get extra amped up….travel back a couple decades in our musical delorean and celebrate JMU Mike’s b-day…Count Me In!
Everyone’s fingers we dyed a different color from jello shots….me and ant destroyed annie’s slice of cake…keg stands…gargoyles…dancing…beer pong..strip poker…signs…there was a lot packed into one night.
Oh my god the cruise is almost here…
Read Me or Die..
So…got a bunch of randomness pent up.
I firmly believe that if you just made doors more flammable there would be significantly less deaths in fires….flames touch the door and ‘Poof’…good bye door…hello doorway…. it would greatly cut down the confusion of which way to run…
I’m going to start making censored nutrition labels for people. No those aren’t girl scout cookies…see they are “Super Healthy Fun Bars” and would you know the fat content has been changed with ‘Confidence’ huh…would you look at that…apparently confidence is measured in mg and even has a suggested daily intake. Calories…no thanks….just one quick strike of a sharpie…and now its tastiness.
..you’re welcome.
Speaking of things that would be awesome if they were healthy…check out www.thisiswhyyourefat.com it’s fantastic. It shows you all the most unhealthy food you could ever think of. The actual ‘taco town taco’ from SNL lore….chicken fried bacon…deep fried candy….white castle casserole (consists of 6 sliders covered in gravy and cheese and then baked)…..My new creation is going to be submitted soon…and even though i honestly didn’t want to eat it…i figured i must or i would be a phony trying to post it online….Its called an Ulcerdog, and the best part is all the items needed are at your local 7-11! Take a cheeseburger big bite (1/4lb. burger rolled into hot dog shape and injected w/ cheese) top it with nacho cheese…then add chilli…then a little more nacho cheese…add onions….then take one piece of string cheese rip it into three pieces….throw on top and close it up and let it melt on the drive home….ready some TP and eat!!!
…Bon Appetit!
I hate overenthusiastic calls by refs in sports…not so much as a fan…it can add excitement…but as a player…especially a player on the losing end of the call…you’re like “what the fuck man?” I mean…they aren’t playing in the game….they don’t win or lose…but they are going to let you know you spent 1 second too long in the lane…and make sure you know about it…like there is no…NO doubt about it…because he’s running at you blowing his whistle…face turning purple as he’s pointing at your feet..Yeah i got it dick…just give them the ball and lets get this going….meanwhile the ref is doing an impression of you looking goofy standing in the lane…gets his other ref buddy to blow the whistle and then does the impression of you just shrugging and sluffing off…Refs are dicks.
I swear to god its like playing fucking modern frogger whenever you merge from I-66 East to 495N Why oh why V-Dot would you make me merge starting at the far left lane on a 5 lane highway….Good Lord! Oh watch this guys (oh no he wont…no way he can do that…oh he did…VDOT all high fives each other) bam…there you go…lets see motherfuckers run this gauntlet on a daily basis. I had one mile to drive across those lanes in morning rush hour (had to take an alternate route home from work involving 66 instead of just 495). I get out and danger is all around…Ladies driving SUVs while on cell phones or doing make-up along with semis and construction vehicles would be the water in this version of frogger…step out at the wrong time and its game over…but this time you don’t get the funny little dead looking frog thing and a do-over. Seriously can’t stand SUVs because they make people feel invincible and i guess i would too if i drove a tank…but that means they really don’t have as much concern about the rest of traffic….Seriously though…if frogger upgraded to a car…pretty sure he’d have an H-2.
March Madness is in full swing and it brought to my attention the many mascots around. And more importantly how some people do their brackets…what I will be addressing is the pick by superior mascot method….This is the least sound…simply because there are no ground rules set…For instance The University of Illinois Fighting Illini should win every tournament on those grounds…they have the whole Illini people on their side….However…here is my outlook on their first round match-up with WKU (they were some sort of horses). Question 1: How many Illini are allowed….if its all the illini vs all the horses its a toss up.
Question 2: what era are these native americans from…because if you give me modern era Illini i’ll take the horses in this bet…Some guy that’s like 3/4 Illini could just be sitting on his couch and get the call up to the big times….Meanwhile…a horse has always been a horse and is likely to kick your ass…and probably pretty hard to knock out….So in re-cap…currently horses have edge.
Question 3: Weaponry…If the Old illini get bows and arrows or the modern illini get liquor i’m giving it back to them…but bare-handed or sober…i’ll stick with my horsies.
Question 4: Terrain….marshland…mountains…Victory U of I….Flat plains…Go WKU.
If you have ridiculous mascots or school names/abreviations forget about it. Orangemen? Nice try…Next. Gonzaga…The Zags?(i know their mascot is a bulldog but that’s what people call them sometimes.) Lets grow up Gonzaga and try to be a little professional…no one takes ‘Zs’ seriously unless you are a coma patient…then its pretty much all you got.
Mizzou? where do you get off making up your own state abbreviation….there are no Zs in missouri but there are ‘Is’ in ‘Idiots’
Stanford…you’re a tree…that’s why you didn’t even make it in this year…change your mascot.
Wendy’s calling your Fish Fillet ‘Premium’ is like McDonalds calling them Premium Chicken McNuggets…lets just admit what we are here…cheap and fast.
So MixedAssRachel gets extra girlfriend points for driving us around for 80s gear…however….i don’t know if she actually does or not for the simple reason that if we are right…Pirate Mike spends more time “downtown” than a housewife of an AIG exec after bonus time.
Interesting thing about MixedAssRachel…the only thing more circular than her logic of TI vs John Legend is her favorite actor’s (Vin Diesel) career. Its sad when you’re too good at the time for the sequel…but have sunk right down to the right level for the 4th installment….great job Vin…you dodged starring with Tyree and the Tokyo Drift…bad news…you are the title role in the create leftovers after that…ouch.
I think the cause of gay people that offend a lot of uber conservatives (i.e. the ‘loud’ or flamboyantly gay gays) Like the ones that have cars that are full rainbows….is the fact that they have been brought up in an anti-gay society…and it gets to the point where you’re just like fuck it…this is me…everyone see me…fuck you i’m gay…this is where its at for gayness. Its like amsterdam…pot is legal…so seeing someone smoke pot..not a big deal. While we have come a long way with accepting gay people into society there is still a long way to go (way to go Vermont…who just legalized gay marriage). I think if gay people were just seen as a natural thing and just part of society there wouldn’t be a big deal to be made…you can wear all the assless chaps and rainbow thongs you want…you’re not going to make me care more about it…you’re a person…just like me…Except for you like dicks and i don’t.
I think it was ballsy of the Swiss to be neutral in WWII if you aren’t against Hitler and the Holocaust…there’s probably not alot you are against…watch out…the end of the world starts in Switzerland. Either that or its where purgatory is actually located…can’t decide. Oh, and i know the US started out neutral too…but we eventually got our act together…and guess what in true american fashion we even found a group of people to discriminate against and alienate . Concentration camps are awful…Internment camps…legal…patriotic even…sign me up! …our history can be pretty embarrassing sometimes…
Fact: Radford is STD infected…if you hook up with a Radford girl you wont get the clap…you’ll get a standing ovation.
That’s all i can muster…looks like 80s party/JMU Mike’s B-day recap will be for Wed.
Girl Scouts and Strippers
Welcome to the new look blog…I changed it so that the top posts and all that good stuff was on the side so when a random person stumbles across this page after they stop shaking their head and saying what the fuck out loud they will know where to click next…
Anyways, as you can tell from the title only the looks are changing.
Topic 1: Newfangled Economy Saver Plan
So i don’t know if you have heard or not but we are in a recession and it seems as though the whole world is headed to hell in a handbasket.
Not to be worried though…because i have another fail-proof plan to enact…and if you would notice all my plans together come nowhere close to the 100s of billions…my latest plan came to me after devouring a box of samoas…poor bastards only lasted about 24 hours….and polished of my do-si-dos they atleast lasted a little longer…maybe 28 hours…You see girl scout cookies have crack in them…or something else that prevents you stopping from popping one after another in your mouth. I bet if you broke down the chemical properties of a somoa and crystal meth they would be identical…little girl scouts or minature death dealers?
Anyways…here’s my plan…get a girl scout troop together…and send them into all the different Biggest Loser Camps….nothing could break their will faster…tie in the fact that some are emotional eaters and hate themselves….BAM! Out of this recession tomorrow..and all it took were a few lives….lives that already embodied..literally…what it is to be an american… (kind of sucks that foreigners pick us out of crowds not because of accents but because we are the overweight, bad mannered, rude, and horribly opinionated ones)…
I say the whole readership of this blog needs to march up to Obama and let him know you’re about to do this country a service by taking a state funded world-trip where we party with everyone spreading the good word.
Incase my girl scout cookie idea doesn’t work….Texas is taking it another way….and it even has a classy name…”The Poll Tax” has be instituted…where everything you spend at a strip club is immediatly taxed. It is currently in court to see if it is constitutional..but in the mean time they are still gathering the money…its just sitting there right now. If it is ruled unconstitutional they will mail back your money. (though i don’t know how many wives would be thrilled to be getting that check in the mail…especially if it is a significant sum…”uh…the IRS messed up hun..that’s our second rebate check”… “oh yeah..WELL HUN…why does it have glitter on it and smell like STDs) Texas has already raised 10 million through this tax…which probably looks great to them…but looks like those girls have a few more years on stage to work themselves through college. Or what about the lonely guy where it is his only salvation of the day…i know its sad…but there has to be some out there…”oh man my POS job sucked again, i’m 35 and still live with my parents, i have a stutter, but atleast i can get some titties in my face before i start it all over again” Try telling that guy…one less lap dance for you sir. Some people may say…well maybe this will get people out of the strip clubs…well two reasons why this isn’t a good thing. 1) the women working at those places have one very specific skill set…what do you want them to do…be teachers or babysit your kids…just let em strip. 2) Yeah people might spend less in the strip club…but do you really think that money is going to go to something productive instead? I say no…I say the ABC just makes more money…and i’m sure there is an alcohol tax there too…so they are screwed either way…well i guess not Either way…screwed in one way at the ABC store and left with a case of blue balls in the other.
So the Pope in his infinite wisdom decided to go to Africa in his first trip over there and let everyone know that he and the church is still anti condoms. YEAAAAAH AIDS!!! Great job Pope…you would think in any place to be this would be the one where you leave your condom stance out of your speeches and just kind of turn a blind eye to the fact that people below the poverty line may have a chance to be less riddled with diseases and children they can’t support….Its like he’s on his way out with his Kiss Me I’m The Pope shirt on with his Popey sun glasses boarding Pope Airlines International which is blaring AC/DC’s Highway to Hell out of it…He smirks and looks back…Oh yeah….before i forget…don’t use condoms…or you’ll go to hell (he laughes in an evil manner and boards his plane) I really don’t get it sometimes…you know there are priests in the vatican that are ready to finally accept evolution…seems like we are heading in the right direction until this. We already have problems with getting alot of areas in Africa to wear condoms…the men think they make them less manly….and now with the Pope’s endorsement…AIDS is walking down the red carpet there with a monocle top hat and twirling cane…ready to take over that shit…Africa has the highest AIDS rate in the world…I guess the Pope thought…well they aren’t number 1 in much…would hate for them to lose this one….Jesus F’in Christ Pope!!!
Pirate Mike is having tons of fun in hotel rooms for the week….List of things he is doing in hotels nightly.
1) Noise complaints from bouncing on the bed too hard.
2) Plugging in his Thomas the Tank Engine nightlight in
3) Giving himself a huge bubble beard in the tub
4) Wearing a onezie with the crinkly sounding feet
5) Calling the front desk and asking for ‘his mommy’
6) Giggling while eating “all the cookies he wants”
7) When the hotel staff comes up to check on the noise he just sits back against the pillows on his bed attempting to blend in with his stuffed animals.
Hitting all the floors on the elevator running off the elevator giggling with his hands over his mouth kind of stumbling around while he’s running.
9) Crying
10) Playing with his food.
11) Playing tricks on people using his ‘talkboy’
12) Outsmarting the ‘Wet Bandits’
The movies Observe and Report and I Love You Man look great…Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd are the funniest guys out there….JMU Mike’s gotta love it…i’ll give it to him…he’s been saying Paul Rudd is the funniest guy in the movies for a while. (you have to see the deleted scene shout out to wet hot american summer between Paul Rudd and Elizabeth Banks…)
Shamrock Fest Really Stole Actual St. Patty’s Day’s Thunder
Somewhere the actual St. Patrick is pissed…he’s saying FUCK you RFK and DC 101….this is supposed to be my day! Remember me? I chased the snakes away…THE SNAKES (it was pretty easy to get a day back then….think about it…when the exterminator comes over to the house you’re just like…ok…cool thanks man. Back then…everyone fell all over themselves….oh…this guy’s great right? Hey….Tommy! Remember when we had snakes….not anymore…thanks to THIS guy!!!….I’ll drink to that!). But i guess he didn’t really get a real holiday….it is just another excuse to drink…i need someone to come with me on this one….if we can all get hammered on St. Patrick’s Day….because it was in Ireland….and Octoberfest because they do it in Germany….4th of July because we told those Brits bastards where they could shove it….why not on Flag day…because our flag is pretty cool…and lets face it…that Betsy Ross is hot shit! No…No Betsy…keep the round glasses ON this time….
AIG, cuz fuck em that’s why…that should be their new slogan….why you should invest in us (well more than you already do now since the public owns something like 80% of their company now) because we are so confident in ourselves and our future that we really don’t give a fuck about what you think and your bailout money. Its like they keep demanding money and then chuckling in the corner as they plan their big company wide pizza party. Oh, Johnson….you only asked for 150 mil!?!? How are we supposed to get beer? And what about the DJ he doesn’t work on high hopes and fuzzy feelings! Get congress back on the phone lets up that shit up to the 160s. Now you may remember that in an earlier blog i was supporting bonuses for CEO’s but honestly part of that was to be devil’s advocate…and i still believe it to a point…because that was talking about all companies in the bailout….But AIG you’ve screwed the pooch enough times that the fucked up little puppy that has resulted is popping out fully vested in a 401K and has dress shoes and socks on. You are the company that just keeps asking for more and more…its time to be ‘humble’ if you call humble not taking millions of dollars in bonuses while the people that trusted you are having their homes foreclosed.
At work we don’t have the internet except for one page…and it just has updates about the industry…and suprise suprise it only contains good info about our company and this horrible news about everyone else…I swear to god its like a N.Korean site and our CEO is the great leader. Everything is going to be ok…Great Leader says so…oh shit that reminds me time to dust the picture, pray for his health, and sing the ‘good leader is a great and merciful great leader’ song. Its funny though because i went on CNN.com yesterday and the headline was literally “Rudy’s company currently being TROUNCED by Wal-Mart” …Fuckin trounced. Beat…beat badly…on the decline…all easier terms than Trounced…that shit does not sound good.
Guys have it rough. 1) in this economy a woman can just say she’s waiting for the right job…or using the time to catch up on reading…or really any excuse…moving back home is perfectly acceptable. When a man loses a job or moves in with the parents he is seen as pathetic…probably by those same girls that have done the same exact thing.
2) Boners….trying to conceal a boner is a dark art. I’m partial to the using the belt to secure it against you body…but then you just have to walk carefully because as it starts to go away you can run the risk of now the partial boner slipping out from underneath the belt and making a noticeable appearance in the jeans. And then you just have to do the careful awkward walk (which could have been the answer in the first place) where you hope you can find an angle where it isn’t as noticeable…and hoping that your pants aren’t going to start rubbing in the wrong way…your half stack is about to be full blown…you are teetering on disaster. And god forbid if a chick notices…maybe if it is your girl and you are in the confines of your house she’ll go ahead and do the humane thing and help you lose it…but guess what a public appearance is completely different. Either they think it is funny (your girl friends…or girlfriend) or random women are disgusted as you are walking around sheepishly kind of like a dog that has the red rocket flapping around and has realized that its not an appropriate time.
See girls don’t have to worry about that…there is no way to tell..maybe the nips make an apperance…but its easy…just say you’re cold….A guy can’t say…oh its just the weather that gave me this huge erection…don’t mind me…
March Madness…and it wasn’t even selection sunday yet…
So this weekend wasn’t crazy…but saturday was…we saved it all up for one day…though i only made it until 10:30. I hate working the night before day drinking is scheduled…one hour of sleep makes it kind of hard to go all the way through the next day. I made it for most of the festivities…but once again missed the Mark’s Pub Karaoke (small crappy little bar across the street)…I do want to say though….my going to Mark’s Pub once right before last call about a month ago has resulted in lots of extra money for their establisment (i’m taking full credit for it). We had talked about going to mark’s pub for a while…but since me and JMU Mike went that faithful day….we have been i direct injection of cash and energy into that establishment…
Ant told me when the people saw our group show up at the bar they walked up and thanked him…other people saying karaoke was lame until us! Our Fairfax Towers crew has singlehandedly revived the karaoke night!
Anyways…that was the end of the night…lets flash back about 14-15 hours earlier…
It was Sat. morning…i had picked Nicole up from work and we both decided it would be a good idea to get some sleep before the day’s worth of drinking….i slept from about 730-9….she atleast made it to about 10:30 or 10:45…(you see what us overnight people have to operate off of!! This is all the sleep we were planning on getting for the day!) The ladies across the hall (the finest ladies fairfax towers has to offer!) were getting it going early on…so at about 11 after some food and a few beers we finally made it over there….it was like a god damn warzone over there….they are slamming back shots…chugging beers…I JUST FUCKING WOKE UP….not that that is a problem at all…i’m just saying its a bit of a shock to the system…i’m used to drinking a little bit in a more quiet surrounding and just easing into it…not these ladies (also JMU Mike, and Brian…so that its not confused with ‘Big Cat’ i’m going to call him Neon Brian due to his neon hat and glasses). I drink a beer there with them and take an Irish carbomb (i wonder if that drink is popular in Ireland or if it just pisses people off…)
…I just picture being in an Irish pub and someone yells ‘IRISH CAR BOMBS ALL AROUND’ the women pull up the dresses and run…people are yelling about the IRA and fights break out…
I gotta say…MixedAssRachel really came through..not only did she win a gold medal in girlfriending by letting Pirate Mike come along
(and she stayed home since she didn’t want to go…which is good because it eliminates pissed off girlfriend syndrome…where your girlfriend agrees to come with and pretends she’s cool with it and then eventually snaps….taking the boyfriend and fun with it…but contributing a nice amount of awkwardness)
…on top of that she even drove us to the metro station!
anyways….a few shots a couple more beers and we’re off!
JMU Mike is getting ready to go through to the metro until he realizes he’s the fucking hulk and snaps his metro pass in half….we all laughed at him…he asked the metro employees for help…all they could do was give him an envelope to send his broken card…and dreams…in and in a few weeks he’ll have the chance to do it all over again when they send him his replacement card.
Eventually we get to Shamrock Fest….The weather…is fucking god awful…about 40 out and steadily raining….that being said shamrock fest is brilliant….there isn’t much to it…its a parking lot….with beer stands….and for the majority of the time..crappy bands (there were some good ones scheduled we just didn’t stay there).
But i felt like it was written in the cards for us overnight people because there was a red bull truck outside giving away free cans! They only give one out to everyone…i pound the first one…but when i ask for another they say…’only one per person’ i said….’Awww…come on i work overnight!’ I didn’t get another can of red bull but i did get a scoff and a bitchy look…Point Me!
…In the gate….and we immediatly find the beer ticket buying station….$5 a beer…i plop down $40 worth of big plans (after 4 or 5 beers with hands frozen i give away my last 3 tickets….suck-o-la)
Things are going good until about a beer down we realize how cold it is…normally i don’t really mind that much if someone bumps into me and beer spills out…but in this case when that beer splashes on to your hand and puts you at risk for frostbite…it gets a little more personal.
We find out that gold’s gym is giving away coozies….well guess what…they double as hand warmers…we all took a shitload and put them on our hands looking like some freezing cold out of shape MMA fighters….with drinking problems…
There aren’t alot of other details…but i’ll go over the highlights…
There was a tent giving away sex toys and sex parties…all the girls we were with (i didn’t mean ALL the girls like there was so many and we are chick magnets…i meant all the girls like all 3) went up and spun some wheel….The 217 crew went ahead and without our knowledge (at the time) signed up our apt (215) for a sex party…sweet…when they knock on the door and i answer naked saying “hey…its a sex party right” it wont be so funny anymore.
The Port-a-potties were interesting….it was like a race…against time….and disgracing yourself….i mean you are on the brink of a urine disaster by the time you get up front…i was smoking a cigar my first time up…and trying to piss in there with thick ass cigar smoke pouring in your eyes is no easy feat. I came out crying because of it…which i’m sure just probably made people think i had some unfortunate event in there…Anyways…i thought it was funny to high-five people with quick times and cheer for them…until i realized there was no way for them to wash their hands in there….
Oh well…MORE BEER!
Got home…drank…ate pizza…night over for me..
However that’s when 215, 217, 516, ex-JMU people…and Nicole…all made their mark on mark’s pub…(see above)
Ok that’s basically the night…now on to my random thoughts…
MixedAssrachel thinks Jon Legend is a bad guy because he has songs about cheating on women…but thinks T.I. is a good guy..hmm…How can one be raised in such a classy surrounding and have such ghetto understandings… “well people were just after T.I. he had to defend himself” Yes because poor T.I. only made millions of dollars and has already been locked up once for drugs since hitting it big….yeah…same ti that has ‘rubber band man’ as a hit song…..you really think he’d be getting ‘chased by people’ as you said….if he just used his money to hire a few body guards and moving to someplace nice?
There’s a credit union called NASA credit union down there street…i felt like putting all my money in to it…though i’m sure i’d be disappointed because its not the same NASA i would be thinking about….”Shit if they can put a man on the moon they can probably manage my money right? Here you go!” If they failed i would just blame it on the Challenger or some failed machinery they were launching into orbit….Some girl tells me…”i thought you had money…why are you so broke” …i could just respond “the international space station doesn’t pay for itself honney”
I hope God and Zeus both exist and at the same time…i want to hear a conversation early on…they keep trying to one-up each other…
God: well it did make women…AND BREASTS…and the guys seem to like that a lot…and guess what happens…when they get pregnant and the guys can’t have sex with them after a certain amount of time…i’ll keep them around by giving the girls…get this….BIGGER breats!
Zeus: Fucking Genius…but you did also give them periods…i have another god under me…and guess what…an acceptable way to worship him is through orgies…
God: FUCK! well you get that one Zeus..
God: but get this…your ‘awesome’ hero Achilles that fucker had the worst weakness ever…(god waving his hands around like he’s scared)…Oh no not my Achilles heal…anything put the heal…Fucking Pussy.
you know what i did….how about this idea….bet you couldn’t come up with this..
A bag of skin that hangs out of every man’s body…and it holds the most tender and painful place on his body to be struck….its the great equalizer…get this though…the right amount of pressure or treatment and it adds to sexual pleasure…A little more complex than a fucking heel right!
Also, it flows A LOT better to say God Damn…Vs. Zeus Damn…you just don’t have the lasting appeal my friend
Zeus: alright….you got me there God…that’s a good one…just can’t keep up with you…aw shit…and i see in the future you have the crusades on your side…ok…i give up.
…next
So you know how they are saying that eventually whites wont be the majority in the US….i’m fine with that…here’s my biggest gripe though….i’m not shopping in an ethnic grocer or aisle in food lion to pick up my Mayo…so you fuckers better catch on to the taste phenom that is mayo.
Ant owns a shit load of athletic apparel (like under armor)…If ant was a super power his only power would be to wick away moisture in a moments notice…
My only power is to get people to hate the english language by reading my posts…
Until next time…
Dick, bush, and sex…related terms in unrelated paragraphs.
You know what’s not fair…when girls get fat they get bigger boobs…when guys get fat they get less girls and the fatter you get the funnier you are expected to be. I guess its a good thing though…because what would happen if guys dicks got bigger when they got fatter….world epidemic of obesity. The male lifespan would drop by like 20 years…you would have the least confident kids (the ones that use food as their comfort) all going into porn. Girls would only go after the fattest of the fat….but it would only last a few years because of health problems…plus these fat horse-hung motherfuckers would end up passing out after about 2 minutes of sex. It would be a world ruled by irony.
Speaking of porn…you know what…what happens when a porn star is having a bad day? Oh…man…i really don’t feel like sucking a dick today…oh shit! I’m scheduled for 3…ugh….You’re not gonna rise to the top of the industry for lackluster dicksucking energy…i’m sure that’s the exact pep talk they give…and then they start at it…furiously.
I’m glad that we got the anti stem cell laws reversed…seriously bush looked at stem cells and was like….eh…never really liked Superman….(i was going to say christopher reeves threw his hands up…but i guess that’s impossible) Christopher Reeves must have raised his eyebrows so hard at that ruling…
Its like bush was just like…oh..well….. diseases aren’t THAT bad….can you imagine…another 6 years or so head start on trying to find out cures using stem cells. By this time i could have had little limp legs attached behind my knees…think about it…i could kick my legs up wherever i went….i would also have a 3rd ball just incase…and fingers loaded up like shark’s teeth…snap one off the next one just rolls right out.
The random musings of JMU Mike (as found on bill on the living room table)
‘I fucking hate anthony with a passion. If Anthony was a muse, he would be the muse of faggotry. I hate him with every bone in my body.’
‘I can’t tell you how much I hate Rudy. He’s like the uncle that “cares”. But his is awesome.’
Options for the night.
1) Pirate Mike gets really drunk and pees in the closet
2) Downtown Arlington
3) Mark’s pub
(the first two are crossed out and mark’s pub is circled)
….I love my friends.
Hey Bonerjams… if 2X + 10 = 20 what is X…
X = a bad fucking time!
That’s the answer to every fucking algebra question out there.
The answer to any geometry proof….reads as follows…this is more proof why geometry sucks.
The Netherlands beat the Dominican Republic in baseball!
You know what no matter how many exclaimation marks i put there..no one would give a shit.
reason #1…nobody cares about the world baseball classic
#2 When has your life ever been altered by anything that the Dominican or The Netherlands have done..
I’ll fill in that answer for you…nothing..
Atleast cuba gave us good illegal cigars and scarface.
I asked my floor manager why he thought he was a good floor manager (he had to write this on his review) he responded…’uh…cuz we stock nice’ That was it…after trying to coach him a few times on alternate things to say he stuck to that beautifully crafted retort. It feels strange putting actual writing after that in response.
I hope mormans never upgrade technologically….if i every get a text message that says “have you heard the good news” i’m throwing my cell phone in the trash.
What could be better than shamrock fest and karaoke in the same day…probably a lot…but as far as i’m concerned this is shaping up to be the best saturday in recent memory…All i can say…is fairfax tower boys…you better be ready to sing its raining men…Ahmen!
So you’ve come back for more huh…
Multiple topics will be covered…but i’m going to start by bitching about work…so scroll on down if you please..
So you know that feeling you get when you’ve been working towards a certain goal and are banking on a 10% raise and after a 14 hour day you find out you’re not getting the raise? Yeah…that happened today. I guess for the last 2.5 years i’ve been employed with my company my new position was seen as a promotion…but now its a ‘lateral move’ where as just a month ago people were getting offered raises for the position…oh and get this..more people report to me…and i’m directly responsible for more…the only way this was a lateral move on the pyramid was if that pyramid was drawn on paper and so the people on it that were climbing to the top had no real choice but to move laterally….sweet.
Oh and in other good news our distribution center dusted off the ‘ol fuck rudy button…hey lets send him more freight than his store has ever seen before and watch him squirm….my first week in my new position…and day one my entire backroom team calls out due to the snowstorm….and then a couple days later i get another truck added….oh and just for kicks they cancelled the one tonight…the equivalent to this would be if your boss told you that you Had to work until like 9pm on a Friday because there was a lot of work to do….You spend all this time getting your huge presentation ready…your boss leaves early…and then Sat calls you up to say….’oh yeah, sorry we wont be needing that anymore’ Fuck my distribution center.
Bonerjams…try this math poster on for size….its a cheesy looking cartoon villain and its hand cuffed by parenthesis…you get where i’m goin!?!? there is a wordbox coming from his mouth that says “ACK! Foiled again!!”
You know when you cook hotdogs and you hear then kind of whining when they are about to burst….i think hotdogs whining is probably similar to what prince thought about ‘when doves cry’
I imagine how funny bird tears would look everytime i think of that. That and how strange prince is.
He’s like old incest english prince crazy
You know what’s great about morning sex….
You start off being woken up…this obviously pisses you off….but in a split second you go from being annoyed…to “oh wait a minute” “OK….I LIKE WHERE THIS IS HEADED” and if you are lucky an intended pun is in that last line…
Oh man…why can’t i just sleep in one god da…. ooooh why yes i would like to squeeze your breasts….ok i’ll take some vagina too….how thoughtful!
I don’t get it when girls say…’guys are hard to shop for’
Easy…
Do you know his favorite sports team?
Do you know favorite band?
Does he like video games?
Bam…there’s three fucking holidays…
Girls like flowers…
I don’t mind getting them for em….but
Why ask for something that’s just going to die in a few days….i might as well just drop them in my fish tank…same shit happens…
For the same money i spent on your roses i could get you any number of useful things that last maybe forever…
Oh man…one thing that’s funny….girls fall for stupid shit if you make it sappy…no valentine’s day idea next year…write your names on a styrofoam cup….cuz our love will never degrade….or just tell her how long that will be on the planet for…Its like carving your name in a tree but lazier…and less risky…plus its fucking cold out in February.
I’ve got two days off in a row…get to see the mom and the bro…
I’m happier than a retard in a petting zoo right now
(ok i’ll be honest i thought of the phrase about 10 minutes ago and couldn’t find out how to work it into this post…so that’s it)
Warm up the paddles….i’m not done yet
Blog…I wish i could quit you…
I hate math…Bonerjams i want you to either wear this shirt to school or make a poster…is everyone familiar with PEMDAS (please excuse my dear aunt sally, to decide what is supposed to be done first in a math problem) I just want to make a poster with a nice looking mom with an apron and it just says….”Fuck Aunt Sally”….or its a smiling aunt sally helping some kid out with a math problem…”hey kid, tell your aunt sally to go fuck herself”
Without a calculator and spell check i could probably qualify for the special olympics…
Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck are in need of a serious mustache task force…i mean the mustaches they are famous for know no bounds….as we all know when it comes to the policing of facial hair there is no such thing as excessive force….but i guess if policing body/facial hair is being spoken about the beating i would take would make Rodney King look like he was getting a deep tissue massage.
I have an idea on how to turn around the economy…make a movie….Seabiscuit Vs. Cinderella Man….its fucking perfect…both were inspirational movies taking place during our last great recession….oh wait that was the great DEPRESSION….i still don’t get why we don’t just call it one now…especially since its on a global scale…anyways….what would be more thrilling than to see russell crowe fight a horse…i mean i’m sure he’s done it before drunk in real life…so all you have to do is turn that amateur footage into gold….just talk drunk russell into throwing on some old school boxing gloves….scatter around some shoes with fake lifts in them and tobby mcgwire will come running so you can get footage of him haning around…throw a horse in the middle and you have all the main characters (only problem is pirate mike will be fighting spiderman for the shoe lifts…oh shit…SPOILER ALERT FOR SPIDERMAN 4!!!)
If you hooked up with an ex and she had new found ’skills’ in the ‘happy area’ of the relationship would you enjoy it…or would you think about how many dicks it took her to learn it?
Ponder it, yeah i know its like one of those if a tree fell in the woods type of questions…i’m full of deep shit like that.
Did you hear about the gunman that tried to attack the paki cricket team….fucking amateur hour over there…people had machine guns, grenades and rocket launches and managed to not kill one person from the team…or even a damn trainer…i’m not on the gunman’s side…i’m just saying….if you knew you were that awful at shooting why spend all the money on the expensive shit (rocket launchers?) could have rented paintball guns and had the same impact…plus you’d have more money to spend on lawyers.
I can’t get a date on the internet now….i think this is rock bottom in the sexual front….not dating self-respecting girls that are out around in public is bad….not being able to score a date on dating sites….if i was a crack addict i’d be sucking dicks by now….not even to smoke it…just to see crack
