Blog?
Oh man…my blog fuel is running on fumes right now…i need topics and ideas to function further…
Here’s all i’ve got..
A-Rod decided after giving his press conference telling everyone that his cousin hooked him up with the ‘roids it would be a good idea to be seen in public with him ASAP. Like try the first or second spring training game…atleast if you were out eating you could say..’hey just having family time’ but you decided to leave the ball park with him…you are an idiot sir.
Hey you know what’s dumber than A-Rod…the idea that to stop foreclosers we get to help people that tried to live a larger life than their salary pay for their houses…Why can’t anything ever be passed that just helps the hard working honest people? seriously…at this point i’m almost ok with a screw the homless bill if it just means that blue collared and middle class get something for them.
I saw something on tv that said ‘is it worth it to go to college’ oh i don’t know…ask the 50 people that work for me that get paid hourly and work 2 jobs just to get by…those people bust their asses everyday….i’m pretty sure if you said…hey…take some time off we’ll pay for school don’t worry about bills…they wouldn’t say fuck you…i love working 80 hours a week and not seeing my family…i’m guessing they will go the college route and be happy with their huge amount of debt…but even happier with their higher salary and only one job.
I decided to weigh myself today….i weigh 210 lbs. see i had known for a while that i hit and was probably over the 2 century mark but had been putting off the scale for a while to avoid seeing the damage…i really want to get into shape…but don’t want to put an elaborate plan together that i’m just going to ignore…I’m assuming that by cutting down beer intake a lot of other stuff will follow…
Less beer = less snap decisions to order food
Less beer = more time to be productive
Less Beer = ability to function physically
And the only other thing i’ve got is i’m going to unload the truck everyday which should help out a bit….cuz that’s a solid 1-1.5 hour of lifting and throwing things as fast as you can…so that’s solid..
really though, a workout plan i could live with would be steady sex…but that ain’t happening so i guess i better put an order in for ‘The Gazelle’ and ‘the ab lounge’ Help me out Tony Little.
Pirate Mike was asking about possible playlists for the cruise…here’s an idea…anything that doesn’t have lyrics to have to sing and remember…it should just be fun sounds…because that is all we will be able to grasp at that point.
Here’s my playlist….Wake up….go up by pool…hit on girls…drink…get drunk…attempt to get laid…off shore excursion…back on boat…waterslide…shower…casino…get drunk…hit on more girls…try and get laid again….win the scavenger hunt that consists of finding my keys…wallet…and room…..
Because seriously…lil wayne songs and jai ho can’t even beat that shit.
JMU mike confirmed that we don’t need a passport for the cruise….
Ok pop quiz hot shot! What about a vial of my blood and an expired military ID? Why aren’t i using my driver’s license you ask…just don’t wanna.
Oh Good Baby Lord Jesus!!! Jordan is Coming
The most worthless government spending is on the converter boxes..though i would feel for people without them…
Oh god no…please how can i watch an analog signal (meanwhile there are countries where an earthquake takes out close to 100,000 people because they can’t build buildings…where hunger is a leading cause of death)….the biggest and scariest sob story in this scenario is that people have to watch Drew Carey on the Price is Right….though granted i believe that is covered in that Geneva Convention Laws.
If we go on a cruise in the Carribbean it will be perfect for Pirate Mike…PLUNDER AWAY!!! His family is from the Virgin Islands which is fantastic….i’m sayin though…i’m american…but i TECHNICALLY am not FROM america….i’m sayin though…not a state…america owns it…but not part of it…just like how he is Virgin Islands mixed…but American Black…get in the conversation with him…it is an interesting one.
When me an jordan come hang out an interesting thing happens…the good angel on my left shoulder gets its ass handed to him by the devil on the right shoulder…As soon as the angel found out Jordan was coming he picked up a pitchfork and just told me…hey if you can’t beat em…join em
Funny thing is i have the opposite effect on jordan…to a point…normally i’m the one that talks sense into him…and it just leads for a good night…but see jordan is normally the one to get me to do crazy shit…and if i’m already feeling crazy…i fucking pull a drive by on the small ass angel he’s got on his shoulder…and then both of our devils run a fucking train on the angel now on my shoulder….
there’s nothing left…just carnage…and a LOT of semen.
Wow i’ve got alot of topics to cover…
Easiest one first…
Boners lasting more than 4 hours…
Call a doctor….i know you’ve seen the commercials…
but a better idea…and saves the tax payers money (key in this recession/depression….) find a group of women and let them know of your condition…someone’s gotta help out and take one for the team.
NEXT!
Cruise topics
Tom Cruise is a fucking retard…i see mission impossible 4’s topic now…mission impossible trying to convince a sane person that scientology is real…or should even be in the same topic as religion.
Next!
Women Drivers: They shouldn’t be called women drivers…they should be called death on wheels…holy shit…if you were meant to put make-up on while driving…you would be sitting in the passenger seat….and there would be a man driving you. Just send woman drivers to iraq or afghanistan and you’ll have your answer for suicide bombers…and that shit wont even be unethical because they wont even be trying but they’ll either A) mow down whole fucking towns B) plow into buildings and explode…
Just tell them all the extra fuel on the back is so they don’t have to stop for gas and let them go.
Women drivers were the first to take their hands off the wheel when they hit cruise control.
OnStar and GPS were made for women…Men are always in the right place…can get themselves out of any situation…and know where they are going…we are never lost…we are either trying to find a shortcut…or taking the scenic route
A woman driving an SUV might as well enter a demolition derby…since she knows she’s in a fucking tank no turn signals are needed…or regard for public safety…beep beep get the fuck over!!! Nordstrom’s is having a sale and my nails haven’t dried yet..
…I don’t like female drivers (i wonder why i don’t have a girlfriend….)
NEXT!
Dolphins Raping Humans…*Rolls up newspaper* BAD EADSY….BAD….NO….NNNNO *rubs eadsy’s face in his comment*
really this is tame for what that mind thinks up…i should have known it would be trouble when i suggested free reign at topics.
NEXT!
Predictions on the housing market…
Its going to suck more….its cool we are trying to help current homeowners out…i hope some actually do keep their houses by the act…but we are too fucked to save it at this point…start gathering cardboard now if you are a homeowner behind on your mortgages and build yourself a good old fashioned ‘hooverville’ take that Ms. White!
Next!
The Blackberry…oh my god the fucking blackberry….i get called a d-bag for having an iPhone…atleast i put my d-baggery out there for all to see…you try to hide behind your blackberrys because more of the masses have them…but guess what i don’t have phone specific terms to dole out….oh just BBM me…no i’m going to BM on you…with my superior phone…its got a touch screen you know….and if you jam lint down it hard enough it will stay in headphone mode…PIMP!
Also, the internet loads at 56K speed so it makes you appreciate the finer things in life…like being out of contact with fucking society..
But seriously…those keys are so small…maybe not for pirate mike…they are right sized for his little fingers…but anyone that doesn’t have the ‘blue box blues’ you are going to mash a good two or three of those things….the touch screen keyboard kicks ass…however….autocorrect doesn’t.
The blackberry kicks as much ass as i can pull on a normal weekend…and that means it kicks no ass..but may lead to an awkward groping or two.
Next!
Reality TV
Ray-J: Ray J’s show would be alot better if they just got the 5 minute clip of Ant at the beginning of the beach trip last year that we have on tape…reality shows suck for the most part…but as much as we all hate them…unfourtunately they are guilty pleasures for all of us…who can resist watching a bunch of trashy skanks trying to be the next Ms. Receeding Hairline Covered By A Bandana Michaels. The fact Ray-J has a show though has shown the bottom of the barrel has been scraped many…many times….just look at any of the nicknames that he chose…or the girls…strippers…girls with black panther facial tattoos….damn dude….just move in with your sister and call it quits..
Ant should just get his own show….or better yet…BonerJams2009….A shot in the face after love with bonerjams sounds like a great fucking concept…
LaShonda…i’m sorry but i no longer want to love on your face.
Next!
The stimulus monkey cartoon
WHAT FUCKING RETARD APPROVED THIS?!?!?
How can this be interpreted other than racist….even if the writers intent was not racist…how could he not see the obvious tie of the generally accepted racial slur of calling a black person a monkey to the fact that obama has been pushing for the stimulus…
Oh my god…IDIOT
The thing that sucks is that eventhough race relations aren’t fantastic…they were headed in a good direction…and this idiot has to draw attention to how ignorant people can be..
This is some backwoods….rebel flag waving shit right here.
It would be like if JET posted a picture with Barack Obama conducting a firing squad on the Beatles, Cauliflower, Brats, and wild turkey…we wouldn’t stand for that shit..
Though every time Sharpton or Jackson opens their mouths…you lose some support there since they make the african american public look so ridiculous…i say african americans should band together and get a law passed that says before either one of those idiots open their mouths a smoking-esque warning is posted on the screen…warning what these retards are about to say in no way represents my thoughts or feelings as an african american.
I really do wish that….there was an actual economy cartoon….with all the characters… (the good guys and markets on the incline) Hope, Condoms, Alcohol, Happiness Vs. Layoffs, housing, unemployment, american cars…. It would be like transformers on steroids…and way more relevant…unless meagan fox got naked…then transformers would be WAY MORE RELEVANT.
Keep the ideas coming
One Love…
NocturnalRudy
Snow way! I can’t believe its snowing!
I’m going to address the blog readers topics first…
Bonerjames…i like where your head is at 1/3 of the time…because i’m down for some basketball
Potential names for our Basketball team (s)
1) Carnival Crusin’ For A Brusin’
2) Eiffel Tower (only for 3 on 3…or i guess 2 on 1)
3) A-Train (people would assume it is because of ant, but actually we will all be wearing shirts of the failed running back anthony thomas)
4) Dora the sexual explorers
5) Little foot featuring the indians in the cupboard
6) Bangarang
7) Jai Ho
Slumdog dollar menu billionaires
For street hockey there would only be one option of course and that is
“The Street Sharks” we would be required to yell ‘jawesome’ after every goal..time out and period…
Next…
A-Rod…
Wow this guy knows how to dig some holes…he should think about construction….I was 24 or 25 i was young and stupid back then…yeah well put A-Rod…i’m 24 and guess what for over 10 years i have known that steroids were …dangerous, stupid, illegal….in middle school when i found out McGwire had been using them i already knew it was bad…much less now…when guess what…i’m 20 fucking 4 years old…(not 204…24) and i just have the reinforced even more…guess what…staying awake at my job is hard…but i don’t blow lines off the counter because it “might give me an edge and justify my salary” I just either…a) push through it/tough it out B) suck it up c) slam a legal supplement like an energy drink…
He also decided to say he didn’t know if he was doing it right so it might not have had an effect at all. Wow, everytime he attempts to take a step forward…he doesn’t just take two back…he stumbles down a flight of stairs…just say “yup, i took steroids…bad decision…i cheated but i’m getting my shit together” cuz guess what you said you injected yourself twice a month with the ‘roids…so how exactly were you not doing it right? You weren’t sure if they had an effect? Oh, yeah that’s hard to see…you missed the least amount of games in your career due to injury and your RBI and HR Avgs were higher than any other season.
A-Rod you make OJ look like a super genius…i mean your dumbassery is right up there with the book he was going to put out “If I Did It”
Its ballsy of you…we find out you cheat and then you donate 3.7 mil to miami so they can name their baseball stadium after you.
If people forgive you for what you did…i have a great excuse for another year…i was around 24 or 25…i didn’t know better…
what else did he say…oh he changed things from his peter gammons interview…so 2 interviews and a press conference with different answers everytime but i’m going to believe you now…
i was 24 i was young and dumb….don’t worry…i’m squared away now…lied in a nationally televised interview (how young and dumb were you then cuz that was like a year or two ago) i cheated on my wife, am going after madonna 25 years too late…but its cool cuz i’m more mature and know she can’t have babies anymore so i’m just being responsible…
Well atleast he plays for the yankees they have this routine down pat by now…Andy, Roger, Alex, Jason…the yankees are the first family of the steroid era
Bud Selig says not to blame him…he tried but the union made it difficult…wow…way to go…i thought you were in charge of the MLB not held hostage by others in your organization
I FUCKING HATE BASEBALL NOW
Not one person can take responsibility for what has happened….first it was the players…but now they can learn from the top…sweet
Black People and Scuba Diving…
Ant…i want to be able to snorkel or go diving with you on the cruise…but seriously i’m going to be stressed out the whole time….you made it through skiing so you’ve conquered frozen water…now all the sudden you want to be completely submerged..
Ant i’m pulling for you though…we can set it to some special olympic style fucking music as you smile and wave getting lowered into the water and if you make it you will cause a groundswell of support for the sport and give hope to those in bad situations world wide…just be ready for the fame.
And lets face it…black people tend to have a position that is anti-water….
Also, the only thing lamer than a black person skiing is a middle-aged white guy roller skating with pulled up tube socks and some old school short ass gym shorts.
I’m gonna need you to start snowboarding ASAP
Hey have you heard Obama wants to pass a sweet gun law.
Yeah now all guns will have to be registered with the federal not state government…sweet…if you move you have to alert the state 60 days prior to the moving and then re-register you guns for the new place or you are a felon…
Do you honestly think that the majority of firearm crimes are committed by people with registered weapons…because i doubt it…i’m going to guess the same people that have illegal or unregistered weapons now…are going to be the same people moving wherever the fuck they want to without reporting their firearms…so guess what…you’re just offering another chance for innocent people or atleast people guilty of non-violent crimes to take up more prison space and tax-payer money…but hey if you are trying to create jobs why not just go ahead and declare the US a giant police state and get to building some fences and more prisons…creates jobs right…furthers your agenda right…he while you’re at it go ahead and take a page out of you Chavez’s book…see if you can get an amendment passed to get rid of the two term limit..
Now here’s where i’m torn…i like the fact that Obama has been frank with the media and putting congress on blast and saying he doesn’t care about another term…that’s how all politicians need to be…but guess what…your cabinet is not the same fucking way…so having one guy at the top preach it so Everyone below him can continue what they normally do is like a huge fucking whitewash on the public…Anyone want to take a guess if Joe Biden (a career politician) cares about re-election…or what about Hillary…oh wait we all know she has no further ambitions…she’s docile right? Well atleast we don’t have to hear about any more people he was nominating breaking the law..
Like i’ve said before..i don’t want people to think i’m an obama hater…i’ve just had high hopes and he is butchering them so far…deliver on your promises…they don’t have to be immediate…just be consistent…
Really though…John McCain is no better…he looks like an ass right now for trying to blast Obama after the stimulus package thing….i understand…i don’t like it either…but someone actually needs to put their money where their mouth is when it comes to ‘bi-partisanship’ because right now its not fucking happening and its getting old. Its like a elementary school popularity contest…and i think its funny (though i don’t necessarily disagree now…) with the salary caps they have imposed…because guess what…i doubt if we said if you don’t stop these stalemates and lack of results and running the country into the ground we are going to hit you with a salary limit they would stand for that shit…
Guess what one of the main people from Nevada that put together the final sum for the stimulus bill made sure to keep the $8 billion project constructing a fast railway from Las Vegas to LA…now i can see how you can kind of justify it because of the money they will eventually spend there…but i’m pretty sure they aren’t going to spend $8 billion in Vegas anytime soon…so what the fuck..
that sums it up WHAT THE FUCK
our economy sucks..
We keep doing the same old thing
incompetency rules the day
Overnight retail sucks
Not getting laid sucks
I can’t find a decent hobby to keep me busy
WHAT THE FUCK
(continue submitting your topics and i’ll continue typing shit about them)
Some Distraction From Your Tuesday
I’m due for a raise at the start of march…so in preparation i think i’m going to go monocle shopping….Now i can’t decide though…is it too early for the monocle? Should i go for the top hat investment first? Because lets be honest….a monocle isn’t much without the top hat…and i don’t want to piss off such a powerful crowd. What about two monocle joined together…interesting idea there…i think i could coin that one….though i believe glasses kind of have that market cornered…
A monocle could take a respectable man and make him into a dick…or evildoer…right away….if you saw a picture of Winston Churchill or Lincoln but you saw a monocle on them…before you knew anything about them…boom…you would assume they are up to no good.
XM and Sirius Radio are supposed to announce they are bankrupt today….sucks for them. I think they had a good idea…and i just hope that it doesn’t die and that either DirecTv or Dish Network buy them up…they sunk a shit load of capital into that….millions for sattelites alone…not to mention oh I don’t know….$500 million over 5 years for Howard Stern. I say they just go Rouge and do whatever those two satelittes did earlier this week and play fucking space demolition derby….I know it wasn’t on purpose…but FUCK!
I have a moment of regret when i swallow gum cuz i have a few years till i pass that shit….in this case…that shit is in earth orbit’s stomach for 10,000 years…..10,000 that’s a LOT!
So I know personally I don’t vocalize much during sex…atleast not that much that is actually coherrent or forms actual words…its more like caveman style…just grunts and sounds…have you ever had a girl tell you she wants you to ’say more during sex’ …i just think its a funny scenario (note this no longer pertains to me)
I just picture her horrified face as you keep yelling take that nasty cock you fucking bitch…you whore….oh yeah…that’s right….back up on that like you used to do for daddy…
she now realizes her mistake but has no way of addressing it…she asked you to speak up…you did…what can she do now…say quiet down…NOPE she is a woman and therefore will never admit she was actually wrong…so she now must stomach the audio bile that you are spewing at her during sex for as long as you are dating..
Now obviously there are the benefits…maybe you start talking and she starts talking real dirty too…now you’re basically shooting a porno everyday…
Other end though…she takes it way too far…and you get the idea that she’s done some stuff that you never wanted to know about or even thought was possible…
And last but not least….you all cancel each other out…the shockwaves from two sexual galaxies colliding ruins everything and you can’t even look at each other anymore.
I feel like whenever someone uses the term ‘trickle down effect’ they just don’t know much about economics and they want to sound important….yeah i tipped the bartender a lot more than usual..but you know dude…FUCKIN TRICKLE DOWN right? I’m just doing my part to rebound this economy!
So i decided days off can suck sometimes for me…because i’m not off when anyone else in society is…so when i’m out of movies and video games i’m just twiddling my thumbs….and that’s what i’ve realized lately though…Overnight is an easy excuse…but the reason why i’ve been less active and healthy is because i have no motivation to be so.
I used to have hockey…i’m gonna play hockey and i’m going to be great….also i loved doing it….so i could play hockey from sun up till sun down.
Then i used the weight room…well hockey’s over but i was always tired of being weak and thin….so i met my bench and weight goals….and now going all i see is the weight is the same but the amount i lift is less…that shit is discouraging.
Now i’m trying to use other things…reading….guitar…but its not the same…i gotta get that shit back man.
Any ideas?
Any Topics?
I warned you guys i was running out…
Jai Ho bitches
Jai FUCKING HO!
Emancipate This Lincoln! and get rid of that extra L while you’re at it.
This blog is written rape or breaking into a house…because it’s a forced entry…and its only going downhill from there.
So there were some pretty good shows on good ‘ol honest abe yesterday….Full of great information…for example: Did you know Abe Lincoln slept with a prostitute and haggled prices with her? She was asking for $3.00 he offered $2 they settled at $2.25. He went to pay her and she said not to worry about it. And his friends all said “that’s good old abe lincoln…doesn’t even have to pay whores for sex”. Wow, seriously…guys if people are asking about stories to tell about me to try and build my legacy lets leave out anything involving strip clubs or ability to drink a lot of cheap beer. Good thing Lincoln redeemed himself with Rebuilding the country, winning the Civil War, Freeing the slaves…i think it was Juuuust enough to push the whole getting free whores thing to the back burner…They also said that he thought he had contracts syphilis from that prostitute and it lead to a couple mental break downs because he thought he was spreading it around…I bet his friend then said…”that good old Abe…such a darling…too busy worrying about passing around diseases then to worry about himself”.
If john wilks booth was smart enough to do the assassination while the Civil War was still going on could you imagine that? For the same exact act…he possibly would have gone from being one of the most vilified men in american history to one of its greatest heros….that shit just blows my mind sometimes…Also, i didn’t realize that 1) he was a really well known sucessfull and fairly well off actor…2) his assassination of lincoln was part of a three pronged attack that also attack the secretary of state and the VP…one guy chickened out and the other one’s gun jammed and then couldn’t manage to beat the old man to death…
John you fucking blew it dude…but thanks…
I wonder if Lincoln in another 200 years will be like the old greeks or romans you hear of…you know they existed…but they just don’t seem real and don’t think it was really possible for them to do all the landmark things they accomplished….also, the legend just keeps on growing…so you never know what people will assume Lincoln has done in 200 years….it must have been crazy back in the day…now we have the media, books and all sorts of good stuff to keep the facts straight….back then though, i feel like it would just be whatever opinion the most people agreed on that he did…that went in the books.
If you are sensitive to religion…I’m not trying to anger you…i’m just saying this because it is interesting.
So if women were burned at the stake for being witches back in the good old days of america for being too smart basically…or disagreeing with their man…who’s to say that Jesus couldn’t have been a normal man that came up with a ton of breakthroughs or ideas…
If he came up with any kind of medicine that had an effect or found remedies for certain illnesses that didn’t exist before hand..people would think he was a wizard, or a god, or possessed abilities. At that time most stories were passed through oral tradition….if you ever played that game ‘telephone’ in elementary school you know that even from passing things through about 30 people the message gets warped.
I know he had followers that documented the things he did, but that doesn’t mean they possessed the same knowledge and therefore couldn’t explain it much better than any other common person.
That’s why I think sometimes……Jesus did exist…just not as the son of god…but as a revolutionary person….basically like a Leonardo…but along with the inventions and new methods also preached an alternate lifestyle or code to live by that went directly against those in charge…and was put to death for it because people didn’t understand him or felt threatened by him.
Its crazy sometimes when you look at the architecture of the Egyptians, or Greeks, or Romans…that were so precise that it is hard to duplicate with modern machines….The Myans, and people like Leonardo…that had understandings of situations that after their time wasn’t rediscovered or understood on the same level for centuries…I mean leonardo had a design for a fucking tank…a helicopter…oh and while he was at it decided to paint what he would look like as a chick and it ends up being the most recognizable painting in the world (pretty sure if i did that and tried to sell it to people i would have a slightly different outcome), his work on anatomy was revolutionary….just a crazy dude…i would be happy with any one of those things…or even just being a part of one of those. Hell i’m impressed when i successfully boil water…throw pasta in and it comes out edible…to me that is an accomplishment…but there were people thousands of years ago just constantly making breakthroughs…guess it makes you feel like a slacker…but guess what Leo, Abe, Jesus…try the internet on for size…That’s right…BAM!!! I’m all over that shit.
I want exhibits to be built to the famous prostitutes and unlikely characters that changed history.
For example…Bravo to whatever woman gave syphilis to Attila the Hun…he died from it…he gets all the glory…but she took down the most powerful man of his time.
Genghis Khan: He had almost all of asia…the middle east and parts of europe…armies couldn’t take him down..but falling off of his horse and being injured by a wild bore did it.
Actually syphilis should just get its own wing….Al Capone went insane from it….Napoleon, Lenin,Van Gough, John Keats, Adolf Hitler, Henry VIII,Ivan the Terrible….Not all of them died…but damn…
I wonder if it was the first type of chemical warfare…find the prettiest dirtiest whore…send her in…let her do her damage…may not be immediate…but you win in the end.
I think its really funny comparing your weekend or out of work personna with what you are in work…My employees say i’m ‘the serious one’ and believe i get embarrassed easily and am overall innocent….Really, i have this awesome problem when i blush and turn fire engine red for a variety of reasons….because i can’t say the answer i actually want to, because i’m mad, because i’m actually embarrassed, or because i know i have to say ‘this conversation isn’t appropriate for work’ and that’s always a fun moment of awkward conversation.
People at Pirate Mike’s job think he’s quiet…QUIET?!?! He shakes the walls with his voice….his shouts can be heard from halfway down the hallway. But just another example of the two different lives.
People at Ant’s old job didn’t think he drank or ever went out…the lost in paris website disagrees.
That’s why i think it could always be an awkward time when you mix work friends and outside of work friends…Because even if you hang out with your work friends your relationship with them is probably still a different dynamic than with your other friends.
Ok looks like that’s it…
I’ve been lacking blogging material…throw me some topics…i’ll cover anything…i’ll even spend a blog making fun of aspects of myself if that’s what you wish just put a topic at the end of your comments…
Woah….Blog Time!
A-Rod is the most talented baseball player in the game took steroids…baseball is America’s past time dead to me. I was one of the people that thought…ooooh fuck you barry bonds….i knew you were juicing…BUT there’s hope because A-Rod is clean and will break your records. Placed hopes in the right …wrong area there…it is more believable when a young player gains muscle and stats go up…i just thought he had natural talent able to take more steroids….
You know i do think that a commentator on ESPN had it right though…people don’t care as much when its involved in football because stats aren’t as sacred in that sport…it could have something to do with the fact that football takes actual athletic ability and relies on the whole team vs. one player succeeding once in 4 tries a game…but that’s another argument. (you realize that…. .400 batting avg. is a huge feat and that just means you only don’t do your job 60% of the time…i’m pretty sure i would be fired twice a day at that performance rate….and there are DH’s out there…ALL THEY DO IS OFFENSE!)
Also, I think part of it is…just like in basketball in baseball you see your athlete…their whole face and body unobstructed….where as in football or hockey they are obstructed by pads and helmets…so you are able to connect easier to a person in the MLB or NBA…not Kobe Bryant though…he just forces connection until you give in.
If all these steroid people played against each other though…maybe we should just have a separate wing (bob costas theory) for the steroids area…cuz guess what…these guys hitting all the HRs on roids (Bonds, A-Rod,Sosa,McGwire) were batting against pitchers on roids (Clemmens…uh…im sure others will come out) so it had to be fairly even…the only problem is that the stats are so inflated.
Oh my lord i had a long friday….
So i was geared up to hang out and even went to bed early…
Got up and went on a 30 minute road trip with Pirate Mike to Ray’s Hell Burgers…They have all types of cheeses and different ways to cook your burgers along with excellent toppings and sides…Good management too…i saw a guy return an undercooked burger (not these guys though when me and mike got to our gummy cold centers we just figured the chewy center was the best part like a blow pop and just went caveman style and went face first…nothing really new for pirate ’scuba’ mike though) and the manager immediatly opened the register refunded the money and started cooking another burger…good shit…good shit indeed.
A quick stop by the ABC and stumbling back to the car in a drunklike manner…from being so intoxicated by great burgers…(or maybe it was the raw meat in the middle)…and we were on our way back.
I get back home and crack a beer…all the sudden our neighbor from JMU (club 217, superclub is under construction…screw congress and their monopoly laws) comes in and invites us over for drinking games…No problem me thinks….oh it is a problem…but not in the ‘I can’t drink i have a vagina sort of way’ more in the ‘my stomach is full and can’t fit everything in at once’ sort of way….For they were playing drinking games on A-Rod…or merriman…cuz the games were on steroids and i felt like i was part of an underachieving team and out for the season.
No lie in about 20 minutes i had drank 5 beers there…thanks to my luck on guessing higher or lower card that has chased me since college.
On another note….girls from JMU can fucking drink…i graduated from JMU and am very proud to see that the guys and girls can hold it down quite well for our school…
Ant walks in and within a minute one girl pulls out a dish of salmon she has cooked for him…he starts eating it and the other females start gathering around…SHOCKER! Seriously…all girls at the apt stop what they are doing and make sure he is comfortable and his food is to his liking
(before going over to 215…we were watching mtv jams and rap videos were on…i’ve decided that’s the job i want…making rap videos….when your hardest decision is….blue lambo? or yellow? Zoom in on the boobies? or the ass?…splash water on them? 6 classy video chicks…or 12 raunchy video hoes…how many fake bills should we throw in the air to look sufficiently rich but not overdo it?)
so…i’m six beers in when you count the one at 215 before drinking games…
We decide to go back over to 215…whiskey and coke…another beer…i lose at beer pong
We decide to head back over to Mark’s pub again this weekend….Its great service…but mainly because we made up half of the place…I’ve only been there once but the bartender says she doesn’t need my I.D because she remembers me….don’t know if that’s good service or the fact that i’m one of 10 people that have been there this week.
*thwap* my card is down and i’m covering the tab….3 red bull vodkas…1 red headed slut later for me…and i’m out…
Back to my apt…another beer
up to 516 for some rock band…3 beers and a margarita….i’m belting out all sorts of songs…i’m sure i woke up some families…but its ok because they were awoken by an angelic voice and it probably just soothed them back to an even better sleep than before.
back down to my place…two more beers?
I go out to the living room as ant is leaving to go to baltimore….shit says me….this hangover is going to suck…
AND SUCK IT DID…
No recovery until about 10pm officially making me the mayor of shamblestown…
40 bucks in pizza ordered…
The next day though…fucking arby’s….oh man arby’s is fucking fantastic…
One thing though…only in america is there a deal…buy fries and get a free cup of cheddar that’s right buy fried potatoes and get a free cup of cheese to dip it in..
NICE
3D Movies, Dorm Parties, Religion, Alcohol…what else is there in life?
So i was just thinking…The movie “million dollar baby” would have been much better if it was about a talking millionaire baby…The trailer would be all serious looking…then the announcer kicks in…”It seemed like just any other day in Beverly Hills…but BABY…you don’t know the half of it…(cue baby popping out with monicle) Rob Schneider is…Million Dollar Baby. Find out what happens when you give a baby that doesn’t know how to say no…OR SPEAK FOR THAT MATTER…all the money…and problems a baby could ask for…Coming Christmas 2009″
Guess what…worst case scenario its 100Xs funnier than the real million dollar baby….Cuz seriously that movie got to be a bit of a drag when you realized you had to watch wack ass Hillary Swank paralyzed for another hour and a half…if Clint would have pulled the plug and hour earlier it could have been better.
Being the resident expert on religion….ponder this for me…
Catholics think that when you sneeze you are expelling your sins…that’s why you say bless you.
So why don’t you say that after someone takes a shit?
Because we all get rid of some much worse stuff out of that end…so i think whenever you walk into a bathroom that has just blown up you need to seek out the suspect and yell bless you…or peace be with you or something.
As lame as this outburst of 3D Movies and shows is…i realized it would make a good date…reason being…you can’t really take opinions of someone wearing those glasses seriously…you can just let it all fly…worst case scenario…some ridiculous person sitting next to you disproves of you and you watch shit jump out of the screen but someone not hit your face…Wins and Smiles all around!
So working out has taught me two things…i REALLY should get back to the doctor…when your working out is going on and then all the sudden your stomach starts hurting and you start sweating…bad news…I’ve been light headed before while lifting…and i hadn’t lifted in a while but almost blacking out and then having the chills for a while probably isn’t very good. #2 i’m an even bigger sucker for buying an iPhone before the 3G came out….I decided to take headphones with me to the gym…when i took them out to answer a call my phone for whatever reason hasn’t recognized them being taken out…meaning i have no sound…i can do speaker phone…i can do headphones…just not normal fucking phone…And the apple site has nothing on it to relate to this dilemma so if you call me and you hear too much going on in the backround or i’m shouting because i can never figure out the appropriate tone of speaker phone…my bad…its nothing personal…and i can’t help it…so if you have anything embarrassing to say…do it over text…a comment on this blog…or quickly in a low tone over the phone…because those are the best ways to avoid a lot of people finding out about your situation…
Like Ant…no one knows you just spent $100 on two Snuggies…but that’s only because you were lucky that no one was around when you called…cuz that shit was on speaker…
Its like i have my own Candid Camera….Guess what…you’re on speaker…you dumb son of a bitch
So i’ve found out that amount of alcohol doesn’t have as much effect on me vs. the actual type of alcohol…
Beer: ‘I’m A MAN!!!’ Tolerance: 12-18 beers…nothing outside the ordinary for a JMU grad in a fraternity with a love of beer pong
Wine: I’m a bitch…I have about two glasses and i have a headache…stomach is fucked up…and i’m way more drunk than i should be.
Liquor: I think i could hang with Alexander Ovechkin and other Russkies when it comes to my vodka…count me in for a 5th
Malt Liquor: Hmmm…my downfall…also see wine. You get a little crazier with malt liquor..and your stomach sours quicker. I’ve never had more than three 40’s on most nights i’m just good for two and then i’m just all cranky from the way its made me feel. I really can’t blame the angry hobos.
You know how you know Hitler was a bad man…he ruined a mustache style for humanity…granted it wasn’t SUPER popular before that…but guess what Charlie Chaplin for those that didn’t know when you did the bulk of your comedy…they’ll just assume you hated Jews….And the only time you are able to sport the hitler ’stache is either a) during halloween,not as hitler…cuz its not even ok then…you could get away with stalin…Ghengis Khan…Castro…THE FUCKING DEVIL…but Hitler is in a whole nother league my friend. So you would be of course going the Chaplin route. B) if you are making your own Chaplin or Hitler documentary….I’ve got a groundbreaking idea though….do a hybrid…a silent movie based on how Charlie Chaplin would do a serious version of Hitler…that shit would be riveting.
We are having a Dorm Party Sat. at club 215…if you know of 215 and you can read this you can also attend….The living room will be transformed into a dorm and only music from the college days with be eligible.
You know what was great about drinking in the dorms…the SWAT like planning and danger involved….It was quite the process as a Freshman…First, find someone in your hall that has a fake, knows of an upper classman that used to go to their school, or search out the person from your high school whom you have very loose ties that graduated before you and who you communicate briefly about a time or two a week over AIM to keep up appearances like your could be friends..
Then you have to work out a pick up spot….Normally you would get the car to park in the middle of the parking lot…
Then you pick your device for very sneaky concealment…ok lets be honest it was two things…either a duffle bag or a back pack…(though our RAs weren’t strict so i remember one time carrying a case up the stairs that just had a sheet over it.) Then you jam as many cases..or loose beers into the container….Not even Dick Tracy could get to the bottom of your operation…as you walk up the stairs with your smug satisfaction knowing what you’ve just pulled off (the whole time your bag is a perfect square almost bursting at the seams since you have fit all the beer possible in it…any less space the RA could read the writing on the box and find out if you’re drinking Natty or Beast)
Next you get it to the room…you walk in as a hero….You do a half assed job of hiding any empties…
About a half hour later you unscrew your closet door…and there you go…
You’ve just experienced a JMU beer run…
That reminds me…i think i’m going to need to buy a new mug…freshman and sophomore year i had ‘pedro’ me and JMU Mike bought these kick ass huge mugs from Wal-Mart for 1.50. To distinguish between them i put some tape on the bottom and then eventually wrote Pedro on the bottom…along with getting decent grades…chugging pedro was my goal freshman year…and boy did i ever! (i only ended it like that because i realized…’Chugging Pedro doesn’t sound even close to quickly drinking a large mug of beer’ thus making it funnier in my head)
I was in the shower and told myself one day i’d be so rich i could shower in gold…until i realized i had just set my goal to someday receiving a ‘golden shower’ so that one is going to be scrapped…or atleast put on the back burner.
While you finished reading this Pirate Mike just downloaded my version of ‘million dollar baby’ just to see if he could…if it’s out there he’ll get it….Just Do It! Mike you should pirate that slogan…Nike doesn’t use it anymore…and it really refers to your piratical style.
Depression = ‘The Boss’ , Super Bowl Ads, The Economy
Back from williamsburg after the dad’s 50th…lack of sleep, switching up my sleep schedule, and the beer has me in an interesting state.
I’ve already practiced the guitar…can’t play too much more and expect to be productive with red blistered fingers….i’ve already read plenty over the last couple days…i started drinking so i can’t workout…sports center is still all over the super bowl’s dick…and i’ve beaten all my Xbox games….This is what purgatory must feel like…not happy…not sad…just fucking bored..with a lot of time on my hands.
Well for the second year in a row i worked during super bowl…and for the second year it looked like a shitty game so i went to sleep at halftime to get ONE more hour of sleep before work so i could make it through work and then drive to Williamsburg…next thing i know i’m getting to work and all i hear is “AND THE CARDINALS HAVE TAKE N THE LEAD”…lame
‘big ben’ is never going to be a full blown star..because he always looks like he just stumbled out of his double wide hung over after a long domestic dispute ending in violence the night before….actually…i think the movie ‘the wrestler’ is actually about big ben…hmm….only time will tell.
I thought the one second highlife commercial was funny…i also liked the doritos commercial where they guy threw the snow globe through the vending machine and then later hit his boss in the balls…clever…
Time to send the Horses to the ‘ol glue factory though…JESUS! those commercials sucked…and they were long…oh cute the horse is running after the white horse that was part of the circus…All it did was show him run across the screen for a solid minute…by the end all i could think was..boy that horse REALLLY wanted to fuck….and i didn’t want that picture…maybe if you spent less time blowing money on ‘drinkability’ and ‘touching horse commercials’ you wouldn’t have been bought out…assholes…
Denny’s…bravo…some people have been calling them stupid…i guess you just don’t see the point…yeah it costs them a shit load of cash…but people that haven’t been to Denny’s in 10 years atleast thought about it yesterday…..In related news JMU Mike stood out in line starting at 4am when he found out they were giving out ‘free grandslams’ don’t worry buddy…one day…..I think Lifestyles should have done free AIDeS with purchase of the assortment pack or something…Better yet…stand by your product…if you get your girl pregnant while wearing one of these we’ll punch her in the stomach for you and never even mention contact with you….or free abortion or adoption consultation…(adoption would actually be the key…lifestyles pokes holes in condoms at random…and then just gets a shit load of labor out of the whole thing….free workforce…for life)
I don’t like bruce springstein…end of story…I just expected him to come out at half time and ‘Scream…ARE YOU READY…who wants it?’ Then he just starts clapping and screaming….’BORN IN THE USAAAAAAAAHHHHHAWAS’ Bouncers jobs are actually to hold the front row in place at the barricade while others attempt to pull away and jet for the exits. The picks are getting safer and safer now…
If you want to go ’safe’ you could always book a band like The Red Hot Chili Peppers…i know they don’t have a new release out that they are able to market exclusively to wal-mart after always ‘representing the common people’ but they still have a lot of kick ass songs and worst case scenario when Flea comes out in his underwear there might be skidmarks…but no breasts popping out…no cussing…everyone’s happy and you don’t have to watch old ass Bruce attempting to power slide across the stage and act like ‘he’s still got it’
Looks like new people…people our age moved in the apt across the hall…good bye noise complaints…hello new members to club 215…i might have to pick up a velvet rope…Ant..there are alot of things i WANT to say…but i wont…..you keep your dignity for today sir..
I bought franz ferdinand’s new cd…its pretty good…one thing is kind of weird though…its like they found the synthesizer 20 years late…that have that shit in EVERY song…Its like they just discovered Duran Duran and Wham! but they aren’t really too keen on the ‘Choose Life’ getup so they would just pay then tribute with all the synth.
I’m glad to see public opinion has faded on the stimulus plan…I can’t believe the government was just going to try and tack on millions…no billions of dollars to the bill that had nothing to do with economic stimulation…there was something like 300 million for std education. which in itself is fine..but that would be like if i asked for some money to help with groceries and came back with a keg, paintball gun, and a pack of hotdogs..i guess technically i got food…but really for the other 300 bucks you were expecting more and while the beer will be drank and the paintball gun is cool…you’ve just paid for a months worth of food but wont be able to eat after about a week’s time…There was something for reseeding the mall….with all the ‘pork’ in this bill i don’t think its going to do great things for Obama’s plans to get off on a good foot with Islamic countries…
Also, have you seen that he has capped salaries for companies that received bailout money…sounds good up front…cuz no one wants to see these fuckers paying themselves enormous salaries while they run failing companies…but number 1…he’s already interfering in the market (what ever happened to the ‘hands off’ approach we were founded on?) by bailing out failing companies instead of well…letting them fail and maybe some lessons learned…but now the heads of these companies that can’t even be that great in the first place since their companies are tanking are getting their salaries capped. Hmm, as much as i hate to see him make a million i hate it even more for him to make 500K and then not give a shit about his job because he’s not going to make any more….Also, with the economy being weak and everyone wanting it fixed it is the perfect time for the government to grow to astronomical proportions…it starts with capping salaries for bailout companies…but really that just opens the door…
What happens when it looks like ‘crops are failing’ and the government just decides to take over and regulate those too…
Oh, while we’re at it…repeal the second amendment….cuz after all guns are dangerous…our government was never supposed to be an institution that issued laws to protect us from ourselves…i was supposed to be able to do what i wanted as long as it didn’t infringe on someone else’s right…shit if i wanna go smoke pot with Michael Phelps (poor kid is stricken by Eli Manning syndrome cuz he looks like he should be hanging out with Jim Kelly and Doug Flutie’s kids) then me and him should just be able to rip bong hits until the blue comedy tour variety show starts being funny.
Universal healthcare…sounds great…until 60% of your salary goes to paying for it…or until now the government gets to decide who gets what surgery…The government will give it to us for ‘free’ but guess what there will have to be all sorts of regulations for who is eligable for what organs or operations…think about it…the government running it would be like having a monopoly on hospitals…what makes more sense…giving a 30 yr old a new kidney or a 65yr old…you could see a huge surge of ageism surge since the government will be looking to get more of a bang for their buck…’i can give this kidney to someone that will use it for 60 years or someone that might go at any time…sorry old man’
I guess what i’m getting at is that its fucking scary right now…the economy sucks…we have plans on the borders of socialism on the plate…and these are the times when you look back at history that tyrants have risen up…or that governments have collapsed….i still think Obama is a good guy…but you just can’t tell which way we are going here…and with all the Obama fever….he can do pretty much anything right now and get away with it…and that scares the shit out of me.
I was gone but apparently 215 was in full swing on a Tuesday no less…well it was Ant’s birthday…but i’m sure you’ve already heard about that….it was the cleanest battle displayed at 215…with 2 cases consumed and only two soldiers wounded…don’t worry though….i sent them to Walter Reid…they’re expected to make a full recovery and eventually be exploited for some type of documentary on Iraq.
Ant got more athletic wear for his birthday…i was getting nervous…i thought there might be a day when he would have to wear a polo…or maybe not sweats/gym shorts/wind pants….but thank god…his brother came through…but i don’t know Ant i hope he gave you the receipts…incase he got you a large that actually fits…cuz whe know you like pouring yourself into mediums…it wouldn’t suprise me if mike opened his drawer one day and all his clothes were clean and folded…but stretched out…
It has been confirmed you can hear pirate mike crystal clear while in other apartments…I guess its not all bad for them…the surrounding aparments will always know when a good dance party is about to get going….well i guess that doesn’t really narrow it down…i’ve witnessed mike dance while on the phone..making a PB&J, playing beer pong, in between sets while working out, while driving, while eating, i think he’s managed to dance while dancing…its a hard concept…basically where there should be gaps in dancing he just kicks it into overdrive…its amazing…if we could harness 1/100 of his daily energy…fuck hydrogen fuel cells…we’ve go the new green…or scratch that…gray energy form.
