Rudy’s Nocturnal Admissions

So I’m a classy guy and so naturally i get 15 bucks classier after a trip to The Hair Cuttery.  Now normally I like to just get in and get out…i’ll keep up conversation with the barber…hair artist…master styler or whatever they call themselves their (its kind of like how the people at Subway call themselves sandwich artists when you know that the only art you get for $5 is gonna be in crayon) to a level to just not look like an ass…but really like i said…its all business…i mean i literally is a business transaction and most of the time i’m about an hour from my bed time and there is no white left in my eyes and i’m just thinking about having to drive on route 7 for a couple miles worth of hell and wondering if i’ll be able to stay awake that long or if i can swing a little power nap…just flip it into neutral and let the crash rating do the rest…

Anyways…you probably see where this is going…the lady i got starting talking immediatly…and it was all just awkward topics and delivery…i should have known when she was pitching a hissy fit when i was at the register…

First she said “your ears are flexible…i like that…some ears aren’t flexible and it makes it harder”

I reply..”glad i can help you out”

You only have one swirly thing on your head…that’s good because two swirlies are harder to cut..

my response….  ”ok”

Woman: And you don’t have a ‘tail’ with your hair so that means you have a good spirit

Me: “Thanks?”

Woman: What! I’m serious

Me: Ok Ok

(Now at this time everytime she’s saying something she stops cutting my hair)

She asks about college…i say where i went…

Here is where a regular annoying hair cut takes a turn for the worst…

she asks about family…i say i have an 18 yr old brother that’s a freshman in college

oh so he’s a senior in high school dumbass responds…(before i can get out…no…freshman…in college) she says…I HATED HIGH SCHOOL.  When i get my reunion paper…i’m just gonna say ‘No way Jose” You know what they called me?  Moonface…and pumpkin head

…..”Nice”

No its not nice!!!  she’s all red in the face now 

….”whoa…it was sarcasm…”

Ok good!

Yeah i was gonna go to get my 4-year degree but then my ex cheated on me 22 months ago

(you know how to measure crazy in a girl…when they keep track of exact month..she could have just said about 2 years ago…the only time you say months in things other than in intervals in .5 years is when you’re dealing with baby age…and i REALLY don’t fucking understand that anyways)

“It turned my whole life around…it just got me blind you know…you know what i mean by blind (before i can answer the obvious question) it was like…like i didn’t even see it coming”

(thank you Dr. Hero…i had no idea what blindness referred to…but i did know that this rambling is adding serious time in the chair)

“I was going to move…blah blah blah…used to work in pentagon and made good money…blah blah…now i’m here and money isn’t good BUT I COULD DO SOMETHING BETTER”

(she’s saying all of this a little too loud)

Finally the haircut is over…oh but wait she wants to wash my hair…i refused…but she said ‘come on its free why not’  

well because there is no reason i want to spend any more time with you…and guess what..i’m actually paying for this…

Obviously i coudn’t say that…and not coming up with a response fast enough..my head slumped and i drug my feet to the sink…

Somewhere around the 4th unneeded rinse she said i looked like a good person and said “never cheat ok”

Me: “uh…alright”  ”wasnt really planning on it…but ok”

Her: (yelling) PEOPLE THAT CHEAT ARE SO SELF CENTERED…THEY DON’T THINK ABOUT ANYONE ELSE!  YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WAS SELF CENTERED RIGHT…HITLER!

no more responses from me at this point…just silence and waiting for her to lead me to the register…cheating’s bad but for some reason i think it MAY be a little less serious than attempting to exterminate an entire race of people…just a thought though…

I actually tipped her alot…because for some reason i just assumed it would keep me away from her…and god knows i don’t want her on my bad side…JESUS!

Speaking of Jesus…Christmas was awesome…just saying….you know what sucks for Jesus though…everyone else’s birthday involves the person who is aging getting present…Jesus gets nothing and just watches everyone else get presents…but i guess there isn’t alot you could really get jesus anyways…”a best buy gift card…oh you shouldn’t have (puts it in the shredder)”  

New Years 2009:  Drunkfest ‘09:

So first off JMU Mike for about a week has told me that he is starting a Wild Out 2009 pact…it wouldn’t be a bad idea if he didn’t pronounce the ‘D’ so hard…to only time you ‘Wild out’ is in past tense…..2 reasons…1) you don’t say  I wilded out the other day… 2) it makes you sound ridiculous.  Its pronounced ‘wyle out’   

Anyways…i hadn’t found out until days before that i would be able to go….got my tickets and got to see an awesome show and take place in Wild out 2009…cuz Mike said you’re either in 100% or out…and though i thought the image of me just standing in a corner with my arms crossed was funny….i needed to partake in this…this the best new years i’d had.

The band lost in paris was playing ( www.lostinparisband.com  me and the guys actually take up about half the pictures on the new years show) they were awesome…it was cold as balls outside..but as soon as we got there with drink tickets in hand things heated up…

Things that occurred…

1) Ant received a noise maker kazoo thing at the door and found out if you blow into it with enough force it sounds like a dying giraffe…There were about 20 people in the place and Ant stood right at the door just Blaring that noise at EVERYONE…and did it to the beat of ‘beat it’ while it was played by the first band….nothing’s better for a song than a single note accompaniment….but for some reason that shit was just cracking me UP!  I about pissed my pants

2) Buffet downstairs….bouncers downstairs were old and very fond of using their small flashlights to point out your wrongdoings (later in the night ant would walk around talking jargon into his blackberry and freak people out)

3) Ant and Moll almost get into a fight…Ant just calls a bouncer and says “these two need to leave” next thing you know the guys confronting ant and moll are out… genius.

4) Ant says in normal tone…anything is possible…now…anything in possible is my new anthem…a year late…cuz i think watching Kevin Garnett falling apart after winning his first NBA title was hillarious….next thing you know in the middle of the crowd i stepped back…leaned back and unleashed a roaring…ANYTHING IS POSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!

5) I ended up getting a girl’s number…but she drunkenly entered it in…but i did get to call a random dude…so not a complete loss.

6) we went to silver diner and when people went to the bathroom i decided i’d had enough…just caught a cab….i love random snap decisions when drunk.

7) MixedAssRachel: Two parter…hates the name MixedAssRachel…sorry…these colors don’t run…maybe cuz i’m white…and white can’t run…or really fade..hmm…interesting…Next Rachel says she doesn’t go to college which is odd…because she currently attends JMU which I THOUGHT was the college i graduated…but it could be a company…that gave me reverse salary…after I launched a string of logic that could cause the most sophisticated A.I. having robot explode she just decided she’d win with volume…I DONT GO TO COLLEGE…Ok well good luck with “graduation…?”  Or is it a promotion…i just don’t understand…but what i do know is that when you get your grad. degree it comes with a free operation to freeze your pinky in the upright and locked position.

The club’s buffet had Mac and Cheese and it became my life mission to tell Rhonda over and over again…and apparently loudly that it was awesome and she needed some.

9) I thought someone had stolen my drink tickets until i counted up the amount of drinks i had the next morning…classy

10) I fell asleep with a pizza in the oven watching D3  that’s right the third might ducks…what a horrible movie…and thing was…it wasn’t even on TV…i got that shit on Demand.

in a related note….Pizza Hut’s new Natural style pizza is awesome!  Its like a more ballsy Papa John’s.  In fact it rips off papa’s John and shoves it in an oraphus of Pizza Hut’s choosing…

(i shouldn’t use big words when i have no clue of how to spell them…it completely offsets the impact it was going to have…or may have had)