CNN,Shrinkage,Pirate Mike’s thought process,2008 wrap up tournament finals!

January 30, 2009 at 11:19 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok…back at it…I know I slacked yesterday…but sometimes there aren’t enough random thoughts going through my head to make a blog about…

CNN.com says the economy has shrunk by 3.8 percent…ok CNN thanks for such a hazy fact…oh yeah..i could feel it but i was guessing it was closer to 3.4% holy fuck!…3.8 guess i better start getting some canned meat water and powdered milk.  CNN i can make up random stats that no one can relate to as well…my happiness quotient has dropped a staggering 32% after realizing i have to work today while my fun factor is at a -2.7932…yeah i know…right…Rough…

 So I went to  a Persian eatery with both of the Mike’s and it has be reaffirmed that Pirate Mike is funny when he gets an idea in his head…this one was the porn industry…normally a friend might just say…hey you know what would make a lot of money…having your own porn company…and that’s the end of the story….not this guy…ohhhhh no….now i did agree that its an industry that’s never going to die no matter what the economy looks like….as long as there is one person on the planet porn will be a viable industry…See Pirate mike started going further though….’there are no barriers to entry (that’s what she said)’  ’it’s real easy to vertically integrate (that’s what she said)’  ’its easy to make’  ’its cheap’  it just kept on going….that made me realize what the inside of Pirate Mike’s head looks like…

Here’s what it consists of…two coasts…on one there are piles and piles of money…on the other there are a bunch of ideas just waiting to get to the other side….HOWEVER….in the middle is this thick grey liquid with laws floating all around in it….so Pirate mike has to shoot these hair-brained ideas over the vast see known as the grey area….or once he has established it to be acceptable a bridge is built…for example…mike has a replica of the Golden Gate bridge in his brain and that of course is where DVDs and CDs are downloaded for free….The fake company he and Aaron made up…its held up by a worn old wooden suspension bridge….It ranges from a normal commute (dvd burning) to unlikely indiana jones situations that he belives in (making porn) that result in him swinging over the sea pitfall style Watch out for them gators…they’ll get ya!

The Chauffeur: its a product for the man on the go…its basically a belt you wear around you waist…..it has a basket type contraption that you put you balls in…and a little leash with a hook on it that you hook onto the belt…no more chaffing! I know some could say isn’t that a jock strap? no its the fucking chauffeur has much more class and lightweight. And plus the name is great because it carries you around all day just like your own personal driver!

(i think the commercial would show an awkwardly walking business man about to give a huge presentation…people are staring shaking their heads and giving disapproving looks…that’s when business man remembers the great product he has…he perks up…looks both ways and then ducks into the bathroom…a few adjusments of ‘The Chauffeur’s’ straps and he’s ready to go..the door flys open and he has a brisk stride going and a look of confidence)

Don’t worry that one’s free…but the next idea’s gonna cost you.

Country stars got left out…you can party like a rock star…you can party like a rap star…but no one wants to party like a country star…Maybe because the last time it looked like a country star was getting an ego and was going to do something a little bit crazy it resulted in Garth Brooks creating Chris Gaines….it involved him getting a Goo Goo Dolls style haircut and putting out even worse music….party like a country star? No thanks…i’ll pass….because i don’t like big belt buckles…singing about my dog or singing to dudes about being ‘like a rock’  aaaaawwwwwwaaaaawwww like a rock! (remember the chevy truck commercials) also i don’t idolize Howie Long….

Ok now finally to finish the tournament…

VEGAS VS. Club 215 VS. RUDY DAY

This fight is coming from an undisclosed location to avoid any foul play…it looks like a large empty warehouse…but we were able to put up some bleachers and let some fans in after some top notch security checks…we’re talking airport style…

Rudy Day looked geared up before the match but when he walked into the arena and there were no steamers…t-shirts…or custom beer pong balls his ego was deflated (a few fans scream get over yourself…what you think it would last forever!) He’s now just walking slowly around the warehouse with his head down..

The next to enter is club 215 represented by all three men….ant wearing under armor grey sweats and some athletic shoes….Pirate Mike wearing his crazy fedora like justin timerlake-esque hat…his shirt that no one understands that says black is the new black…jeans…and shoes….Rudy comes in eyes squinting….hair a little messed up…yawning pulling a polo over his wife beater as he walks in a little late…he’s also wearing beat up jeans and shoes…

Vegas walks in a little late…cuz its vegas baby!!!…and its always fashionable to be a little late…Vegas is throwing chips into the crowd obviously drunk… and then mumbles something to the ref and hands him a handful of chips and escort service flyers (the ref realizes…A) he’s not in vegas so they are worth nothing…and B) They aren’t to a real casino…shakes his head and throws it all away.)

The bell rings and 215 and RD go at each other

(vegas just sits back…orders a crown and coke…grabs a seat and watches the action for a bit)

Rudy Day smacks 215 in the face with cheesy roll-up after cheesy roll up…it has little effect on 215 (215 has built up an immunity to low-grade mexican food much like the prince from the princess bride had done with poison) 215 is oddly aroused though and mildly hungry….Ant grabs a large gatorade and smashes rudy day over the head with it….Rudy day is down and Pirate mike plugs in the foreman….Rudy is still rubbing his eyes trying to wake up….

Suddenly Vegas yells ‘looks like someone’s luck is about to get a little….crappy…(the crowd boos at a horrible pun….vegas drunkly holds its arms out and just says…whaaat…wha…wah you wan from meh)  dice are thrown and are used to trip up Ant who was going in for a follow-up blow….he hits the pavement and scrapes up the other side of his face…

The light has gone off the foreman showing its ready….Pirate mike signals vegas over for some drunken treats but at the last moment as he’s bending to get his grilled cheese the sandwiches are pulled away and his face is slammed in the grill….Pirate Mike says…look on the bright side…you’ll lose those jowels after going a few rounds with this lean mean grilling machine!

Rudy day has gotten up and charges at rudy…Rudy’s now in work mode…its all business and pitches RD like he’s a box on a truck.  

Vegas has freed itself from the foreman trap and that’s when Vegas unveils its back-up plan…before the match it secured an alliance with the beach to make sure a vacation would come out on top…and now its time for vegas to call in that favor…’NOW’ yells vegas….minutes go by and that’s when the camera men find them….JMU Mike is busy putting on his 5th coating of sun screen as to not take any chances on burning…cuz the man is already golden brown right now and can’t take the chance of getting any darker and losing that perfect balance he has achieved (real reason JMU Mike hates black people so bad he never wants to be tan because he thinks he might get confused as ‘one of them’)….Ant is too busy riding bikes and yelling at cars to ’share the road’ ….Rudy is too sunburnt to move and he’d already passed out hours ago anyways…Pirate Mike is too busy fuckin in the Conch….Lauren is dancing…Aaron is taking ‘tooters’  looks like vegas can chalk this up for a loss…

Pirate Mike approaches Vegas dancing of course…the flailing of limbs is unpredictable and vegas is pummeled into a bloody mess….vegas is left twitching on the ground…his fist opens up and a crumpled Ace of Spades falls out of his hand and is then blows away….some Daft Punk song plays and it looks like Vegas is out of the tourney…

Rudy Day has managed to blind both ant and rudy with accurately thrown pong balls….he follows it up with tackling both of them…all three are on the ground…obviously spent…(meanwhile mike is still dancing….oblivious to all around him and just humming the daft punk song)

Rudy gets up first but can’t really see well because the sun has started shining through the openings in the warehouse roof….Ant gets up next…while all other contenders are covered in sweat ant takes a second to point out that his under armor shirt has wisked away all sweat leaving him comfortably dry.

Rudy day finally gets up…staggers around and says…”that’s it…hah…give me all you’ve got”

Ant runs at Rudy Day does a half spin…draws a large sword and rams it through rudy day’s core (it was airport security after all…but good news…no lotion of bottled water got in)..Rudy Day utters…Damn you Ant…why do you have to be so awesome all the time…ant puts his hand behind rudy day’s head…slowly lowers it to the ground and lays his other hand on rudy day’s chest…you have it a hell of a fight 

(rudy day spits up some blood…firmly grips ant’s hand…)

‘you….you…ya….ughhh’

Rudy Day is gone…Pirate Mike dances over to the corpse throws some pennies on Rudy Day’s eyes and dances away…

Announcer: uhh…well…i guess that’s it…there was really no direction in that match…it was kind of all over the place…i’d have to say if it would look horrible if it was all written down..but hey…it is what it is…sooo…lets announce our top event of 2008!

 

THE OPENING OF 215

I had to give it to opening of 215…it has been atleast a once a week occurance of getting 516 people down here…or just hanging out having a good time…Pirate Mike was the first random roomie back from the manassas days…we added another and instead of it being awkward…it just multiplied our awesomeness…

Oh by the way i was thinking of the superclub 215-217…although it seems like a fantastic idea congress would shoot it down…i’m pretty sure it would be considered a monopoly..because we would most certainly have a monopoly in fairfax towers and that’s just not good for competition…plus this way our awesomeness is spread throughout the building hopefully inspiring others.

Anyways…that’s it….

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There snow way I’m not posting on a snow day

January 28, 2009 at 10:26 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok…in this issue…

 

wait wait wait…first thing is first…without the ability to advertise in facebook due to influx of family…i need all of you to spread the good word to all able bodied and even crippled citizens within your reach.  Especially if English is their second language…my perfect spelling…grammer and fantastic use of vocab should help them learn the language in no time!

My idea from the middle ages to save our economy

Tough life decisions

Virginia and snow

last weekend.

 

I have a radical throw back idea that if taken seriously….would instantly change our economy’s fortune….Obama said to vote for change i believe in…well the change in believe in involves changing previously worthless material into gold…that’s right..make way for mother fucking Alchemy!!!

Its so brilliant….i’m sure GW already laid the plan out to him…but now for someone a little more intelligent to do the same thing…

I know Merlin isn’t out there anymore…but i’m sure Criss Angel claims he can do it….make him put his money (or rather..rocks soon to be turned into GOLD money…or better yet…lit dynamite that if not turned to gold will surely exlode) where his mouth is…

Apparently in the middle ages they gave up on this…but they also gave up on lets see….the internet…electricity…cars…rodent problems (with just a little more hate for rats…2/3 of old europe would have been saved…but actually..check that…good call, otherwise shiny silk shirts and techno would dominate the planet).

So Obama…you thought that whole messiah shit would die when you stepped in office…well guess who didn’t forget…THIS GUY (two enthusiastic thumb points to self) So GET TO IT!

oh…and you’re welcome…

Tough life decisions:

Are there any girls…or for you ladies….girls…that are so hot you would quit your job for the chance of having sex with?  

(Note to Bonerjames2009: If one of these ladies happens to be a student of yours under the age of 18 it’s not valid because you would lose your job anyways…)

A Scarlett Johansson/Jennifer Anniston Sandwich would make me think twice about my job….however ultimately i think telling the story over and over again wouldn’t beat the crippling homelessness that would surely insue…cuz guess what….i’m working retail…the industry is shot so i couldn’t get hired at another company right now…and lets be honest…retail doesn’t transfer well…you don’t see any big corporations posting….”need able bodied young professional with experience of unloading trucks to head up our XYZ department”

But lets hear your thoughts….(Rhonda no need to comment…we all know its Beyonce)

NEXT

Snow…people react to snow in Virginia like people should react to the end of the world…

(Now this is what i was thinking before the ice hit and made it Mildly crappy)

You know schools are announcing closing before we even get over an inch of snow.  I have a 20-30 minute commute every day and i can make it to work fine…but got forbid one of these little dumbasses has to walk to the bus stop with a chance of falling.

I feel like people are walking outside and sheilding their eyes…OH MY GOD…WHAT IS THIS WHITE STUFF…HAS A SUPER VOLCANO EXPLODED AND THIS IS THE ASH RAINING DOWN ON THE WORLD!!!

Immediatly accidents occur…before new years it snowed for literally 10 minutes and by the time i turned on to route 7 there was a 4 car pile up…people watching the snow flakes fall right until it hits the car’s bumper in front of them…they are so entranced they plow right into them…Others now rubberneck but can’t decide on what…the accident or this strange flakey substance falling from the sky…(it’s wet…but it doesn’t fall in drops!  I gotta call the papers)…then boom next car arrives in the shit storm.

This enemy they call ’snow’ has only two weaknesses and thus will never be defeated without intervention of the sun…for they are 1) common sense 2) remaining calm

I will admit though….’its snowing out’ is an excuse for anything….Mainly showing up very late for work….all you have to do is say ‘oh man…my neighborhood was AWFUL, why can’t the plows ever get the side roads you know’  then you let out a sigh…shake your head and start taking off your snow gear…any manager is powerless…(and this is coming from a manager…4 different people pulled it on me and i was just so happy to see people showed up that i could care less)

Here’s another more ballsy excuse…best to use if you have an older car…”oh man my defrost doesn’t work, i don’t have anti-freeze in my car and i have less than a quarter tank of gas so it probably froze anyways”

Don’t feel like getting dressed for work…roll in with your PJs on…when questioned…shrug and say “snow day man” or “look it was either leave early and not get dressed…or get dressed show up and hour late and risk my life on the road with others…what would you have me do…die?”

If you have a snow day…stop reading immediatly…find the high ground and build a snow fort…an impregnable  behemoth…a beacon of your power….and stronghold used to decimate all comers…. specifically those under 12 years old.

So last weekend was a fun weekend…

I had absolutely no intention on going out…Pirate Mike woke me up all early (was supposed to wake me up when something was going on) and then proceeded to shower and get ready for 45 minutes…a good 45 minutes i could have been sleeping…and then asked why i wasn’t ‘hype’ …Boy that guy was in rare form…you see Mike is one of those guys naturally high on life…so you need to put on some riot gear when he actually gets amped for something…it would be a mix of giving monkey crack or maybe giving a high school freshman a stack of playboys…He’s trying to get eveyone to go out…denying some people from coming over until they change…after some beer pong…chugging of beers and other such pre-gaming activities..i get a change of heart…just as they are getting ready to leave..a quick change later and i’m out with the crew..we leave around i’d say…..11:20?  Mike is distraught… his night was planned to get to the Clarendon area at 10…at the latest!  By the time we get there Pirate Mike is in a low state (i’m guessing someone told him santa wasn’t real).  I…ME…I’m the one that hypes him up….now i may get riled up every once and a while but for the most part i consider myself to be pretty laid back…i’m kind of like a sniper…i pick my time to show my position to make a big impact…the rest of the time i’m just laying back and picking off people with sarcastic comments until no one is standing…and i’m just hitting my overnight stride…

Anyways…TO THE BAR…or Grill rather…(i don’t like it when a grill calls itself a grille…what qualifies them to get the ‘e’ by the way)

We show up and i open a tab….all the sudden the wave of good nature washes over me…that and the fact i’m a little buzzed and realizing i’ve just gotten paid….

Next thing i know I’m like the Bill Gates family in India throwing money everywhere and smiling as i see the effects it has… i’ve opened a tab for me pirate mike, jmu mike, steph, jenna, mercer, rhonda, chris, greg, walt, 3 random girls, and a girl i knew in high school.  As soon as one person’s drink empties i’m refilling it with Liquor A and Stimulant B (most likely red bull and vodka…but a few times tequila showed up)….Sluts got in the mix…of the red head variety…those were passed out…some girl was cussing at the bar i flagged down the bartender and got her drinks, but this is where i end up empty handed most nights…she and her cute friends look over at me and say thanks…one starts moving towards me…but it doesn’t hit my brain until later that i could have actually started talking to them…i just bought them drinks and kept moving…

Later i decided it would be funny to find a hot girl and say (while pointing at her) ‘nice job with all of that’…she actually laughed…but since that was my only objective…didn’t try anything there..

Another girl seemed to like me at the bar but when JMU Mike showed up for whatever reason…i just said lets get another drink and left…

One D-bag guy was at the bar in a sweater and a tie and had longer beatle-like hair…so i kept on singing ‘love me do’ whenever i passed him…kept me busy all night..

Because that’s what i’ve realized…i’d much rather just do whatever i think is funny that pops in my head than think logically or ‘look for openings’ and go after some girls…maybe someday i will learn the art to combine the two…but hey…i don’t care it was a great night.

Anyways…the next morning…Pirate Mike, Ant, and I are splitting a bowl of shambles soup…mike has seconds…and ant orders a pizza easy on the meat but double shambles…

Night two me and JMU Mike go to Mark’s Pub….its basically what would happen if you converted your bedroom into a mildly respectable bar…the bartender chicks were nice…the red headed slut shot we ordered was awful…and JMU Mike informed me after getting there he didn’t really feel like paying for a drink…which is odd because he wanted to go to the bar…

Also, he filled his side of beer pong with two beers and a couple shots into the game announced he wasn’t planning on drinking…he should have just poured the two beers down the drain…atleast it would save on clean up.

ehhh…done

Until any predictions are given on the tournament…i’m not posting the finals…I need some fan participation here!

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A bit overdue….

January 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so here it is…i’m going to try and post this thing an hour past my bed time….(imagine me in a big 1-zie with an ass flap while drinking a stout)  

Club 215 Grand Opening Vs. Injuries in 2008

Its a blustery day and our rented helicopter is climbing higher and higher among the swirling flurries out….(well not Really TOO high…but 14 stories is enough) There is 215 waiting in one corner of the rooftop with bodily injury in the other corner complete with a helmet and casts on both hands with a Make A Wish Foundation shirt on.

The bitter breeze is nipping at both competitors and making it worse with their immense wounds suffered over the last two rounds….215’s eyes narrow as it starts to flash back to its previous rounds….

(black and white montage…in anime..with original music by the RZA…215 is spitting out teeth and bleeding from previous blows  but going in for the critical death blow in black light no less against its previous competitor)

Bodily injury is standing straight…shirtless….hands gliding over the many cuts…scars… stitches…it has endured to get here…each one making it revisit another painful but life shaping moment….

(far off the competitors feel as though they can almost hear the scream of a eastern european lifeguard shout “i told him not to do it”)

The competitors are still waiting…for some reason the ref hasn’t shown up yet….

oh wait…who’s this….what are his credentials?  Bonerjams 09?  It is!!!

Sporting his canadian belt buckle no less!

215 goes in towards the middle of the ring to shake hands…215 raises its heavy cast into the air…

at the last second… *SMACK*  

Bodily injury has cheap shotted 215 in the jaw with its hardend cast….

215 is sent reeling….(now down on one knee 215 checks its mouth for blood in disbelief)

BonerJams looks to be a worthless ref as he is just thrusting and getting the crowd (on the ground 14 floor below) by sections to chant (left side) NO SHIRT  (center) NO SHOES (right) JUST MY BONER!

Meanwhile 215 has had enough of the cheap shot and has injury in a headlock…he’s running with him and slams his head through a rooftop AC unit….

What he’s forgot though is that while this would hurt a mortal…he’s dealing with injury itself and it has strengthened him….injury laughs and rips out some stitches…

215 staring in disbelief staggers backwards…but here’s where numbers play a part…

215 tags in JMU MIKE!

JMU Mike stares wildly at injury….its the eagle eye stare…the stare known to stop people dead in their tracks…to end beer pong runs….to evicerate (big words are good for description but even better for pointing out my lack of ability for spelling) all hope…JMU is nodding his head and pointing at injury…..

Injury is backing away…his hands up…and getting closer to the edge….JMU kicks him in the groin…but as Injury seems to be enjoying it…what’s this!!!

Brilliant tactic employed…JMU mike is putting band-aids on Injury’s cuts and putting peroxide in other cuts….by healing him…dare i say…he is weakening him…

Oh SHIT…what’s this…

Cyborg Steve has climbed to the top of the roof and is waving the flag again….the crowd doesn’t notice at first

Injury laughs again…and that’s when they realize there is no defeating them…further injury makes it stronger….healing it makes it able to take  even more injury.  

Then all the sudden in defense of 215 cyborg steve starts in a full blown sprint…snow is kicking up on each stride….everyone on the roof’s faces are frozen in anticipation…those on the ground are silent.

(slow motion to more RZA music….tackles injury just as it was grabbing JMU Mike’s shirt to throw him over…the shirt rips and injury and steve go flying over the side of the building)

They hit the pavement….steve is leaking oil….injury is leaking limbs…and blood…the mixture swirls together…..

BonerJams2009 now shirtless as well…raises 215’s hand in victory…

(Snow seen on the tv flickering in and out….the picture is bouncing all around….it looks like its vision from a dying one armed  steve-bot….she has limped to an steel factory….she hands her memory to the foreman and asks him to lead her down into the molten metal as to recognize her run is done….she grabs hold of the chain…the foreman salutes as she is lowered down and liquified)

….meanwhile at FFX towers…the blood and oil have mixed together and the other limb of the cyborg steve starts to function and drag itself away…

 

215 ADVANCES TO THE FINALS OF THE LEFT BRACKET!

 

Wild out vs. beach

I’ve got to give this one to the beach…lives were in shambles…steamers was found….massive amounts of shirtless men sharing a house….plus it is a week vs. one day…i mean hell..there was a day i was passed out due to drunkeness at 3pm….oh and who can forget the real world confessional video?!?!

Winner: Beach

 

Beach Vs. Vegas

 

Its fucking vegas….no girls at beach….as good as steamers was…its vegas…we ate at fancy fucking eateries….beach…we tried to get into newly graduated highschooler’s party because nothing else was going on….vegas…i played blackjack with a playboy bunny…went vip in a club that has a 50 ft. waterfall…won thousands of dollars and skydove…

Winner Vegas.

 

Ok so it is…

 

Rudy Day Vs. 215

 against Vegas in the finals…

OR IS IT……3 way match for the championship…triple theat match if you will….

(if you wont….tough…its my blog and this tournament has gone on for almost a month)

Ok….so next blog…

championship match

last weekend happenings

Mark’s pub

Shambles?

Bill Gates Donations to India is to what Rudy is to bars on off rent paychecks

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Return of the king! (of mediocre blog posts)

January 23, 2009 at 10:33 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok…first of all i want to apologize…you showed me love…you showed me support and as you sat there…mouth open like a bunch of needy baby birds instead of regurgitating some sustenance i shat in your mouths…and that’s just not good parenting by papa blog.

 

Subjects to be covered…the ongoing tournament….Obama…Michelle Obama….Big Mac….Magic…Gran Torino…..

I’m starting with the normal blog stuff and finishing with the tourney…

 

First off…OBAMA…OBAMA…Celebrate good OBAMA…COME ON!!!

Ok well i’ve actually gotten over Obama fever way quicker than expected….because…oh wait…he’s appointed a bunch of corrupt people for ‘change we can believe in’ and his solution to his problem is…shrugging his shoulders and throwing money at it until the economy’s bill collectors stop calling his phone…his ultra top notch blackberry that stops spys from looking at him and can kill Putin with a few nifty key strokes.

(texts putin: Boom Bitch! you’re entire country is red now (with blood)….how’s some nostalgia taste!)

I don’t understand the concept of the bailout (actually i kind of do but am saying that to make a point) You are taking failing companies and giving them more money?  They aren’t good at their jobs…when i have employees that aren’t good at their jobs…they either get fired or get no raise….I don’t go to them and say…oh shit…i don’t know why you can’t pay your bills…its not your poor work ethic or lack of skill…you’re a good person at heart…here….take my salary….no…they get nothing and get put on paper.

I call the current plan to save the economy the Obama Umbilical cord….

Because right now Obama has about 12 of them trailing out of his ass and whatever company gets near just plugs into one of them and writes down a dollar amount and that gets sucked out of papa Obama…except that papa Obama is being fed by Grandpa UNITED FUCKING STATES CITIZENS…

Here’s the problem…i can see how a bail out can be a temporary solution…BUT….don’t you feel like by doing that you are ’stabilizing’ a ‘fake’ economy….that’s like families that have people hooked up to the heart and lung machines but referring to the relative as ‘alive’  if our economy never naturally bottoms out on its own what will happen?

I feel like we need to let it go for a bit…hit a natural bottom and rebuild…a tax cut wont help (america’s scared we’ll just save the rebate) a bail out wont help (our deficit grows and failing companies get a chance to fail twice as hard)….HIT FUCKING BOTTOM….America will always rebound…..any time we’ve faced adversity we’ve rebounded to be stronger than ever….Depression…WWII…just look at it…remember the groundswell of support we felt after 9/11????  We would remember we’re a country again and band together…we’d get through it…it may take longer but i would happen together…and in the long run we’d be better…

But for now the morphine drip continues….the heart and lung machine keeps pumping away…and us relatives just continue to hope ‘one day he’ll wake up’

Michelle Obama….Black Sigourney Weaver…seriously…looks just like her…

Good news!  If alien attack happens…strip her down to a white tee…panties and a flame thrower and we’ll be good to go…beat that FRANCE!

Jay McGwire…What a piece of shit…he ratted his brother out for using steroids….

I don’t care if my brother killed hookers and stole from children for a living…guess what no one would find out through me…because he’s my fucking brother!

Nothing could hurt worse than that….My parents could disown me and somehow get me thrown in jail for having burned CDs….I could get thrown out of my Apt. and fired in the same day and that wouldn’t be half as bad as if my brother ratted me out…

What the fuck!

I’m not on Mark’s side with steroids…we know you’ve done them and you didn’t admit…you’re quite a large POS…but Jay is atleast 20 Couric’s heavier (according to the south park scale where a couric is the standard measuring weight of shit based on the weight of katie couric)  than him.

Ok so your brother hit a bunch of HRs because he had a bowl of HGH every morning…and some back acne to wash it down….he’s not getting in the HOF anyways….so not only did you rat out your bro you kicked him when he was down…

Jay…i hope you get fired from Costco tomorrow when your boss finds out…

Next subject…

I don’t believe in magic…which is crazy…because i DO believe in the internet…

I could not tell you in a 100 word…10000000 word essay how the internet works..FUCK!

I type in words and next thing i know an entire moving…breathing fucking website appears….how?!?!  

Obviously by the power of Oden and Thor… (fondles Thor hammer around neck)

Seriously…does anyone want to explain to me how i have an entire planet of information and a universe worth of porn at my fingertips at any given time

David Copperfield makes a plane disappear and i’m like “BULLSHIT…magic’s not real!”

But i type any couple words i want into this device and it appears before me in seconds and that’s feasable…

i bet if you went back and time and compared the two…it would be much more likely that David Blane was a real deal wizard Vs. the internet being real…

The internet would be getting burned at the stake…or having rocks tied to it and thrown in the river to see if it was a witch or not..

To people that have see Gran Torino…

Do you now question everything Clint Eastwood says?

Seriously, I liked him before (the movie was awesome by the way don’t be swayed not to see it by anything that follows the end of these parentheses unless i say ‘go see it’) but after this movie i can’t look at him and not think he’s racist…becuase i’m pretty sure he co-wrote it…or i atleast know he directed it….Clint Eastwood spouted more racist shit than i had heard in 20 years of movie going in a 2 hour span…. he referred to black people as spooks….SPOOKS…that is some old school…deep seeded ass racism….He called an asian a ’slope’ no idea…anyone care to let me in on a racist ass secret….damn Clint…calm the fuck down…he seriously would sling around racists names about 10 per scene…’zipperhead’ probably the most said…but the cool thing was he verbally bitch slapped the white guy too….so i guess that was Clint’s attempt at…hey i’m not racist…see?!?!…i just like to say words that wound people…

You know what’s sad…i trust print a lot more than TV….it’s sad because most of the time people that had the opportunity to appear on TV for the most part should be ‘experts’  but every time i read something in print i feel like i have some kind of insider information….’oh shit…i heard…blah blah blah…and that shit’s the truth…I READ THAT SOMEWHERE!’  And i’m not even joking…as much as i think this blog is a joke…if i read another blog and it said according the CNN the world is flat…and gave some link to a blank page…i’d think…holy shit…it is flat…and the government blocked the page……oh my god…my government isn’t honest….or um…i mean…even less honest than originally thought.

Ok this i getting quite long….and i have the night off…so here’s the deal…this is my random Bullshit…and later in the day i will post a second blog with just tourney coverage…guess what…215 vs. Injury will take place on top of FFX towers and Billy Mays Will Fight Vince the Shamwow! guy…

Peace out yo!

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Second round a few matches…a bit of nonsense

January 14, 2009 at 10:36 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so i’m doing the same thing as last time…a second round match up or two…but not the whole shabang (not the whole she-bang either…not havin sex and definitely not listening some rick martin) today…  

First Match up….oh and looks like a tough draw for steve…

Rudy Day Vs. Steve Saga.

In what can only be descirbed as obscenely unfair this match is taking place…in get this…apartment 215….not looking good for steve…but god dammit you can’t stop that spirit!

Pirate mike, rudy, and ant are all sitting on the couch when a knock is heard at the door…and music barely over an audible level…who’s this…

STEEEVE…the hulk hogan theme goes again…pirate mike just turns around and walks back to the couch…she’s waaaaaaaaaving the flag again…but we have low ceilings…so that shit is just scraping the shit out of it and raining plaster down on her head…steve is a sight to behold…the music is at a low level…mainly due to the busted ear drums she suffered during round one.  Ant goes to bed.  Everything looks good until Rudy Day looks down to realize he’s not wearing his Rudy Day shirt…it is in fact a Steve Day shirt…seems the Hesters didn’t like the outcome and wanted to remind Rudy Day who was in charge and responsible for it.  

Steve giggles and staggers towards the center of the room….she puts all she has into a haymaker aimed at Rudy Day…Rudy Day ducks and steve hits the coffee table…oh man…

oh boy…

Her stitches from the chairs to the forehead have reopened….ant comes and scoops her off the floor…pirate mike immediatly calls downstairs to negotiate at the VERY LEAST a discounted carpet cleaning…

Rhonda pops in the see what’s going on…Steve instinctively pops up and grabs her flag again

(oh god no not this routine again everyone thinks…they just watch as she wildly waves the flag and chants the wrong letters of the country…U…S…UA…U….A….   S?)

She falls face foward down again with the flag wrapped around her….215 unpauses TiVo.

minutes later Steve wakes back up and hits the coat check dive but on rhonda who was unassumingly sitting on the couch…the back of the couch breaks…so does rhonda’s spirit…steve immediatly launches her signature move again but didn’t have enough gusto…Rudy Day catches her in the air and piledrives her through the beer pong table….911 is called and Rudy Day takes it..

Sad match folks…Steve was a great story…but that effort she gave in the first round…all heart…seemed to really be everything she had…we just hope for good news from the hospital..

Winner: Rudy Day

(before fading to black the camera pans back to steve’s hospital room to see half her face pealed back….and ONE GLOWING RED EYE….machinery moving around as her new half flesh half machine smile chills the audience to the core)

Match 2

Overnight Vs. Vegas

Smitty, rudy, and jordan skydive into the arena…while overnight well….lurks in the shadows…

As the fight starts…overnight immediatly goes after the light rigs…only problem…Vegas is probably the only competitor that wouldn’t work against…. the vegas trio continually kick overnight in the mouth with the three person basket carry known as ‘i just won 1500 dollars anyone wanna touch me’  …overnight is wounded on the canvas as Smitty and Jordan are shaking beers over its corpse screaming ‘lets get fucking mental’.  Just then the hookers smitty ordered up to rudy and jordan’s room as a prank have returned…still trying to get money and angry over the confusion and joke made of their lives….they start furiously gyrating their hips…oh shit…only thing…that’s all they are good at and have no actual skills regarded by humans as valuable….so much for that sneak attack overnight….it should be a 3 vs. 1 fight but the trio is all so drunk they are each fighting 3 images of overnight…turning a 3 vs. 1 fight into a 3 vs. 9 giving the edge to overnight now….to make matters worse rudy has resorted to his last day in vegas form which involved laying in bed and trying not to shit himself…..scratch that…trying to clean himself up…looks like overnight took advantage of that now….Overnight is dragging rudy back to its truck of dispair getting ready for a long night of raping before Jordan and Smitty down some red bulls to even out the drunkeness….Taking their craps knowledge they pull off the ‘pass line pugalists’ move…it involves throwing your dice hand in a quick motion towards the face of your opponenet…the blows land as spittle is flinging from Jordan and Smitty’s faces as they scream  WINNNNAAAAAAAAAH

Overnight is out and looks to be turning to stone as the sun rises….jordan and smitty drag a shit covered rudy back to the paris casino for probably 3 more hours of gambling that with rudy’s state will resemble a weekend at bernie’s scene.

Winner: Vegas

 

left bracket final: Rudy day vs. 215/bodily injury

right bracket final: Vegas vs. beach/wild out 09

Now to more intellectual blogging…

 

Oh god someone stop the chaffing….i have no idea how to…all i know is everytime i start to walk if feels like someone has rubbed sandpaper on my inner thighs and once i peel it off someone immediatly starts hitting that shit with hot sauce.

Pirate Mike is going to make a great dad and old man…why you ask…because he has the gift of the ‘fishing story’  Pirate Mike doesn’t wildly exaggerate the truth…but stretches it JUUUST enough to remain believable but also way more awesome than the original story….also everyone benefits…

examples of potential pirate mike stories:

we weren’t all talking to 4s…they were 7s and mike got called on stage to dance with rachel

Mike benched 225 three times and then ran all the way to the top of the stairs in FFX towers to celebrate

Mike won three games of beer pong in a row.

Mike could stop global warming in a day but kind of likes indian summers

Mike wrote kevin garnett’s interview answers after they won the title.

 

Daniel Craig is only a good James Bond because he doesn’t act like the classic James Bond…everyone was getting sick of that same old cookie cutter shit…no one wanted to admit it though like Connery was going to come to their house…slap them in the face and then fuck their wife in front of them.

Joe Rogan believe it or not…funny stand-up routine…watched it on the ‘watch instantly’ netflix thing yeterday…has a great big about ex-boyfriends that you current girlfriend keeps as friends…

don’t have any tangents or rants in me…

Done

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Intermission while we wait for the 2nd round…

January 13, 2009 at 11:24 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok first of all…WOW great response on the tournament…we’ve set three new records for most views in a day over the last week and you guys have got the site over 1500 hits…

I’m going to start the blog off with the second round matches again…just to remind people that i still need votes…then we’ll get into whatever it is i may start to type..

Rudy Day Vs. Steve Saga

Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm

Overnight Vs. Vegas

The beach Vs. Wild out 2009

its anyone’s game right now…

Oh also as an exhibition match it will be Vince the shamwow guy Vs. Billy Mays

 

So who else is excited that we get a president that looks something other than clueless…  I don’t like it when people said Bush was dumb…because seriously if you were elected president you have to be smarter than most…but he did ‘look dumb’  everytime bush didn’t know a question he looked like a deer in headlights…right before those headlights smashed through his ribcage and also took out his family….Obama…he doesn’t look smart…but he does look ‘Coooooool’ like you can’t rattle the guy…he could respond in his own psuedo-jive talk…and i’d just think that’s what i was supposed to sound like..that he created a new amendment in the constitution that says…talk like this ‘yo scat kats’ (that’s just a sample).  I feel like if the president of Iran said some outrageous shit Obama would just light up a Camel cig in one of those long old school holders…smile and just say…take it EAAAAASY bAAAABY the US got this…(jazz music would have to be in the backround)

Obama doesn’t have to yell…he can just get sarcastic…or respond like the cool kid in high school…..Someone is talking about the dependence on foreign oil…oh yeah that’s so interesting (looks over his shoulder to his friends…rolls his eyes and high fives) tell me more…the reporter…or political figure thinks he’s serious…continues and even though Obama has just punked him…he feels satisfied because he has no clue…

Fuck it…give Obama a trucker hat and call Ashton Kutcher…cuz Obama is about to punk the world for a minimum of 4 years…

What has pro sports come to when Marvin fucking Harrison has been spotted waving guns around…Marvin Harrison? Have you seen this dude?  He looks like…Levar Burton mixed with Sammy Davis Jr.  and neither one of them are scary…but all the sudden another supposed…’character guy’ in the NFL is getting himself in trouble….shit…

Benjamin Button from the beginning of the movie  looks like Golum and Haley Joel Osment had sex

That leads me to this…

Best movie of the year: Yeah…not benjamin button…  SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE…

If you can make who wants to be a millionare exciting again bravo

If you can make it exciting without regis…you deserve a nobel prize

If you can make a FOREIGN VERSION…without regis butchering translation…well that’s the best damn movie i’ve seen in a while..

One complaint though…if you’ve seen the movie…what the FUCK is up with the highly choreographed dance scene that has oh…i don’t know 500 people in it during the credits…i mean i know the movie is over and it has nothing to do with it…but seriously?..

Those dance moves are a little questionable…and it takes a little away from the movie 

But you know its a good movie when i was still cheesing during about the first 5 minutes of it…after that i just looked around a bit…seriously..slum dog millionaire apparently could have had me inlisted in the hitler youth or something with its convincing powers…because there is no other time i really would watch something like that for that long..

I think the Raconteurs Counselor of the Lonely takes CD of the year followed closely by Lupe Fiasco’s “The Cool” and Lil Wayne’s “the carter III”

I just like blues rock and jack white…that’s my only real defense…oh yeah and if you listen to the cd ALEAST TWICE all the way through you’ll be hooked…i didn’t like the cd the first listen..but after that it didn’t leave the heavy rotation for months…

The cool by lupe was awesome…smart lyrics…clever lyrics…using words larger than 4 letters…showing rappers you can be smart….move albums and be respected

Lil Wayne…Proved he could do more than just rhyme the same word twice when he was out of ideas…

I’ve been sick…the first time i’ve been Real sick…since college…i guess i’ve just been lucky…but anyways…on Saturday i slept  about 20 hours….but the annoying thing…it wasn’t good sleep i have a reoccurring dream that wouldn’t stop…and it would just keep on picking up in the same place….my head was pounding…i’m sweating pools…and i’m dizzy…however i can’t stop gathering the same pieces needed for this damn spaceship when i close my eyes…

that’s right…a legit reason i couldn’t get sleep is because i was tired of stockpiling the same parts to a space ship i was trying to get up and running…at one point i actually woke up and said…’man fuck this space ship’  and guess what that fucker never even got off the ground even after i told the officer i had gathered enough parts for a 3rd space engine and crew cabin…fucking captain…didn’t know what he had…

What happened to Outkast…maybe college wasn’t that fun…mayabe Outkast was just that good…The love below/speakerboxxx ruled my first two years of college…combine that with the whole floor playing B.O.B when we started the war…and shit they are ingrained into my college memories….

Back to present day though…215 blows 1817K stonegate out of the water….with once exception…Jordan’s B-day party…and the party before that….any day you can pack over 100 people in your living room with 10 kegs and 40 gallons of jungle juice its a good night…except when your floor breaks…but the cops never showed up and the apartment complex couldn’t prove it wasn’t previous damage…so all we had to endure was basically having a trampoline as a floor for a semester until it got fixed…for free…Cha Ching!

 

I’m just rambling at this point so…

 

END TRANSMISSION

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Mother Effin S Balls! Round One Is Over!

January 12, 2009 at 9:50 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

It has been an interesting few days since the tournament has begun…much anticipation has built up…words thrown around carelessly like bullets from guns owned by Plaxico Burress and Pacman Jones after going out on the town.

Here’s the fight card for tonight folks

Warm-up

Club 215 opens Vs. Summer Cookouts.

Ultra Bar Vs. Vegas

Getting warmer…

The Beach Vs. Little Guy Jokes

Oh my lord…oh Jeeze…oh man…for fucks sake no…

THE MAIN EVENT!!!

Hesters Vs. Steve

So lets get to it…

Match 1: Club 215 Vs. Summer Cookouts

The competitors are already warming up…as we bring you this fight live from an elementary school playground in Falls Church VA.  Fans number in the teens both in age and numbers for what doesn’t appear to be a very exciting fight…Fuck i know we get paid for this…but seriously…they are both obviously drunk.

*The ref brings them together for a handshake*

Cookouts yells…NO YOU ARE

215 Vomits all over ref

They start swinging wildly at each other however nothing is connecting.  Cookout throws a ping pong ball by the see-saw and yells ‘your shot 215′.  215 stumbles over to pick it up when Cookout stomps on the other end of the see-saw smashing 215’s nuts.  

215 is stumbling around looking for where the beer pong rack went off to and concentrating on not pissing large amounts of blood.

Cookout is lured over to the crowd by a school administrator after being told a noise complaint is being placed against him after the girlish scream just unleashed seconds earlier…While Cookout is having this conversation trying to convince everyone it is really 215’s fault….Out of left-field 215 sprints towards cookout  And spears cookout through a metal slide… unfortunately while kids are still sliding down it….Its a sight of pure carnage…215 starts beating cookout senseless with children’s limbs…the fight rages on until night…which 215 didn’t realize until now is cookout’s weakness…at that time 215 fires up its well known black lights…now giving it a distinct advantage since its wearing a dark shirt…Cookout is wearing all white and has lit up like a candle.  Cookout is blindsided with a beer pong table to the temple and looks like is out for good.

Winner: Club 215

….well…thank god that match is over…on to the next…

Match II: Ultrabar Vs. Vegas

Vegas took a private plane to get here…while Ultrabar stumbled through miles of woods until it got within sight of the arena…starting it with an obvious disadvantage after being cut up and now worn out…Vegas hookers pull up to give Ultrabar a ‘helping hand’  Ultrabar has learned nothing from taking questionable rides in the past and gets in….The Hookers beat Ultrabar silly…The wind up finding ultrabar days later sucking its thumb and complaining of painful urination…Meanwhile vegas is throwing its own party in the actual ultrabar vip.

Winner: Vegas Baby….Vegas

Ok…now for the closest of the match ups

I don’t feel like doing another fight summary for this one…

Match 3: Pirate Mike “Little Guy” Jokes Vs. The Beach Trip

Points to consider for the beach:  Drinking started at about 9am every day….a real world confessional was recorded in which fat night vision rudy was created…and Ant looking like the Hoff also surfaced. JMU Mike dressed up like me and shaved in the same facial hair and took pictures it looked too close to call…Ants life was in shambles every morning…bangarang ruled the day…air banding…sun burn….consuming about 10-15 beers a person in about 2 hours in the craziest short span of drinking seen in the history of that house..

Points for Little Guy Jokes:  Applicable in many situations…keeps fairfax towers entertained…can brighten a cloudy day…gives Pirate Mike options while on business trips..ITS REALLY FUNNY…i can’t give this justice…just ask the hesters, ant,JMU Mike, Rhonda, Aaron…any of them…

After matching this up…at first i thought it was going to be Little Guy jokes all the way…but although they have recently been suspended they will be a part of 2009 whereas there will never be another beach trip 2008.

Winner Beach Trip 

As i type this the earth is shaking…time is ripping apart… thunderous applause and stomping feets are to be heard from miles around….the challengers are being flown in..

THE MAIN EVENT! 

The Hesters Vs. The Steve Saga!!!

I would like to give a little backround on this one because i think it is necessary…if you refer to the previous posts you know what the circumstances were…since then verbal barbs were thrown all around and talks of friendships ending have arisen.  

Steve kept on saying “name the terms” When we sent a representative over to indeed ’state the terms’ steve smacked the mic out of his hand…said done deal! then broke the camera and dennis rodman groin kicked the camera man…before they could pick themselves off the ground all you could hear was the sound of 45lb plates sliding onto bars…it appears it is on.

The Hesters waited longer to reply…although originally marked as favorites by vegas odds makers their silence until the last day or two has drawn the odds close to even…

Will Steve’s inspirational quotes and comments be enough to topple the favorites…The Hesters….We’ll see…up next…live…from the Verizon Center…

*Break for commercial*

Vince here for Shamwow!  Showing you why you’ll be saying wow everytime!  Get in here camera guy take a look at this…There is a reason why Shamwow! has been chosen as the official corner man towel of the main event…When dunked in this bowl of pigs blood, sweat, and saliva…the shamwow! conquers all…Slap some shamwow!s to your shoes for extra grip…glue them to across your eyebrows to keep your eyes clear of sweat and locked on their targets…like they should be…The possibilities are endless!  

AND WE’RE BACK!

Introducing first….wearing a blue singlet…4′3″ of sass and crass….STEEEVE 

*Steve enters to hulk hogan’s original song “i’m just an american man…”  She’s coming out hacksaw jim duggan style (with a 2X4 and a large american flag) she stops halfway down the ramp on the way to the ring to put down her lumber…give a thumbs up and wave the flag around a bit…She enters the ring gives one more thumbs up..but suddenly…the lights go out…steve looks shocked*

With no warning….The Empire theme from Star Wars blares over the PA system…About 50 soldiers from the Manteo NC secret police force come out in full riot gear  and surround the ring…All the sudden a banner drops from the ceiling showing the hester sisters…frank and mom hester looking over their island…A spotlight finds Frank who is standing an saluting his flag…

(historical note, it is said that much like Kim Jong Il in N.Korea, it is mandatory in Manteo to have a picture of Frank in your center room, it must be cleaned daily and whispered sweet nothings with the promises of punishment by the secret police if violated)

The sisters emerge in black military uniforms heavily decorated…AdoptedRoommate215’s uniform enblazened with many pins and medals from previous campaigns….MixedAssRachel’s is papered with degrees and smiley faces…and the force known as the two older hester sisters has assembled like a hurricane wrapped in a tornado wrapped in an erupting volcano…and is now gaining speed towards the ring…

MAR= MixedAssRachel          AR215=you get the picture…

*Ding Ding Ding*

The Fight has started folks…Steve rushes at the sisters and hits both quickly with the 2X4  M.A.R is dazed only momentarily while the 2X4 breaks over a laughing AR215.  Steve looks shocked as she takes a double clothesline to the throat…she is writhing on the ground in pain…the Hesters high-five and show boat a little bit…

Steve attempts to get up…She is kicked back down

Secound attempt…a synchronized set of punches by her opponents down her again…

Suddenly steve starts shaking (ultimate warrior style remember him?) she grabs the bottom rope shaking violently apparently the blows being dealt to her are doing no harm…she eventually gets to the top rope….still shaking…

That’s when Manteo Secret Police get involved thowing two steel chairs into the ring…both of which are planted on Steve’s brow….She’s bleeding…rather alarmingly…AR215 tells MixedAssRachel to go start her car…MAR grabs her keys and runs to the parking lot….meanwhile AR215 is beating the hell out of a near crippled steve…the crowd’s initial cheers are turning to gasps and eventually silence….

MAR is backing the car down the ramp in the arena getting ready to pick up her soon victorious sister when her rear-view camera goes out…all the sudden she veers wildly into the crowd!!!!  Her moisture sensing windshield wipers turn on automatically making a mess out of her vision in the front as well…she is now blind…back on path for a second but then…OH NO WHAT’S THIS!?!?

She smashes into the ring….AR215 is flung to the ground…MAR has locked herself into her car…although she is a smart woman…the automobile eludes her…

Steve wipes her mouth tries to get up…but falls…

What’s this!  when did he get a ticket….a ‘BIG TICKET’ if you catch my Mother fucking drift….’Hey steve’ yells Kevin Garnett…  ”ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!!”

Steve pops to her feet kung-fu style…and makes a rush at an AR215 who is gathering herself in the corner of the ring

“Folks i think she’s going for it…this could be it…it is…its the coat check dive..steve signature move!!!”  

(if you arent familiar with this…steve lost her coat check number during wild out 09…not wanting to hear about having to wait for her coat she dove in through the drapes…got her coat and dove back out)

Steve careens into AR215 who is facing the corner of the ring….she is plastered into the corner..steve rolls her up and goes for the pin..

(Manteo secret police are busy trying to help out MAR who at this point has a turn signal stuck on)

1…

2…..

3!!!!!!!!

Do you believe in miracles folks?!?!?

Steve the underdog of this tournament has taken an improbable victory in the first round!!!

In a great show of sportsmanship AR215 and Steve shake hands…but AR215 takes the microphone and says…”i smelled blood and i want more!  there will be a rematch”

OK BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER…DISCLAIMER!!!

Please realize this is a blog…the banter before this match-up got suprisingly heated…this is just a blog…a DUMB BLOG…that about 50 people read daily…nothing big…nothing worth ruining friendships over or having actual feelings of anger or hatred about…especially about an NCAA style 2008 wrap-up tourney…Keep in mind if you made the list you obviously have a place with all of us…also keep in mind…in other match ups Ant was shot twice and beaten before the president elect managed to paralyze himself…

That’s all i’ve got to say…any voicemails, or texts regarding the results will be ignored…If anyone is honestly pissed…im sorry…but that’s just sad.

BACK TO BUSINESS…

 

THE SECOND ROUND:

(left side)

Rudy Day Vs. The Steve Saga

Club 215 Vs. Bodily Harm (AKA injuries suffered in 08)

 (Right side)

Overnight Vs. Vegas

Beach Vs. Wild Out 2009

As before comments left as votes for these match-ups will sway results as i already have favorites picked out which i wont list this time…

 

Seacrest out?  seriously always thought dude was gay…gotta be out by now

Oh JMU Mike i appreciate your friendship…i had a dream you died in vegas while we were on vacation a mom trying to feed her baby a bottle while driving accidently forced you into an oncoming semi-truck…that dream freaked me out…i was actually sad going to work…hope you’re not dead…and watch out for moms in maroon vans preparing food for their children for atleast the next couple weeks.

Spent!


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Are you ready? Some first round results…

January 9, 2009 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so i don’t want this tourney to stall…and even without enough comments i can still announce the winners of a few matchups…

Matches to be covered.

Rudy Day Vs. Play in Game

Play in game

Obama Vs. Bodily Injury

Overnight Vs. Abstinence 

 

As customary with any NCAA tourney…we start with the play-in game.

Pirate Mike’s Pirating Vs. JMU Mike’s Pizzone incident…

Alright folks as we all know this is just a formality…The winner of this game is sure to face impending doom when matched up with Rudy Day…but hey..these little guys made the cut…time for their moment of fame and recognition.

We start off with JMU mike using circular logic leading to no where which has both dazed and confused pirate mike…he’s all in a tizzy!  

JMU Mike places the phone in Pirate Mike’s hand after dialing pizza hut…looks like JMU Mike might be taking this one…the order is placed…but at the last moment not only does JMU Mike find out he’s not getting his pizzone for a dollar…he’s not even getting that shit full price..

He looks over across the room only to find out that Pirate Mike has found a way to Pirate all of Pizza Hut’s Food….  

JMU Mike is down for the count..

Winner: Pirate Mike.

First fight full of suprises and excitement…now lets lead the lamb to slaughter…

Pirate Mike’s Pirating Vs. Rudy Day

The Number One Seed in the tourney and you can see why…look at Rudy Day coming out…just carrying itself like a Championship contender…matching authentic jerseys and a swagger that can’t be matched…On the other side of things…Pirate Mike’s team is all wearing Fila Warm-Ups and when they take them off they have fake watches and Pirated Gucci shirts…complete with fake Jordans…yeah that’s right…they are wearing the ‘Jumpmans’ and trying to tell everyone they are the real deal…while this is occurring Rudy Day has already racked up the score to a point that looks to be impossible to come back from…

eventually half-time hits..

The Pirate Mike’s never come out of the locker room…they all are waiting for their downloaded movies to finish on their laptops…

Winner by DQ  Rudy Day

With the first actual first round game over you can’t really say there have been any suprises so far…well..lets keep rolling…on to an interesting match-up

Bodily Injury Vs. Obama

We’re in a packed house on here in DC for one of the strangest match ups in history…the president elect vs people hurting themselves…the sell out crowd is going nuts

(suddenly the lights go out)

Oh man…Obama’s coming out to his You Tube Sensation theme song…Obama obama obama obama… oba oba.  You gotta like that…most powerful man in the world…AND he has his own theme music…he’s just going to pick up the microphone when…

(strobe lights and smoke)

Ant, literally the face of bodily injury emerges from the curtains to a theme song of shrieks..splashing water…and falling freight…

Its go time…Obama immediatly just sits in the corner while the secret service start working over Ant…which really just seems to make a stronger point for bodily harm winning…it really doesn’t take long…a few rounds are pumped into bodily injury and it looks like its all over…

(Obama climbs up to the top rope and grabs a mic)

Yes we can…yes i did…JUST KICK THAT ASS

(as his theme music comes on Obama falls off of the turnbuckle…out of the ring and it seems as though he has paralyzed himself…)

Ant picks what’s left of himself off of the mat and raises his hand in triumph 

Winner: Bodily Harm

Our final match up of the day has actually ended in forfeit when Lack of Sex realized that overnight was really a major cause of itself and so conceeds in order to give Overnight more rest and a better shot at the title…

Winner: Overnight..

Ok so here’s how round 2 is shaping up…

Rudy Day Vs. Hester/steve saga… At first i thought the Hesters were going to take this one by a landslide but after steve’s comment and sports references it looks like this has fight of the year written all over it.

Bodily Harm Vs. Club 215/Cookouts…  After Bodily harm’s shocking win will it be able to follow it up against the winner of another match currently too close to call? 

Overnight Vs. Ultra bar/vegas…. Sin city vs birthdays and almost spending the night in the woods…i feel like it could basically be the same thing just different location…

Looks like everything else is too close to call….keep those comments coming…

Seacrest Out


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Holy God! Its a 2008 Wrap-up…March Madness Style

January 8, 2009 at 2:20 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Ok so this is how it is going to work…I have come up with two brackets so far…the one we will be covering today is the Social/Life Events of 2008.

 

I’m going to go over the matchups first…to show you the bracket….then we will do a brief run down…i already have winners picked…but comment with your choices and it will sway the outcome..

2008 ‘Events Bracket’ World Class Universal Championship of Everything

First Round Matchups

(left side)

Match 1:

(1)Rudy Day

Vs.

(16) Play In Winner (Pirate Mike’s Continued Pirating Vs. The JMU Mike Pizzone Incident)

The case for Rudy Day:  Its not every day you have a holiday thrown in your honor…and definitely not one that’s sprung in secret.  I was prepared for yet another summer cookout but I instead came home to insanity…complete with custom shirts with my face on them, ping pong balls also with said image, cheesy roll-ups from Taco Bell, Streamers, Balloons, Bags containing my favorite liquors in airplane shots to hand out to guests, beer olympics.  You can see why this is the one that goes against the play-in game.

Play In Game:  You know its going to lose…but here is the match up.

Pirate Mike’s Pirating: Its how he got his nickname…Pirate mike currently has all of the awards show copies of all of the picture of the year nominees…yeah…he’s that good…

The Pizzone Incident:  Also known as the order heard round the world and the $1 that almost tore holes in friendships.  JMU Mike decided that he would try to add on a Pizzone to our pizza hut order…only catch….he’ll only get the pizzone if he gets to pay $1 for it…I order a full pizza for $15 but he will only get the pizzone if he gets it with the deal for $1.

This analyst predicts: Rudy Day…All day….and Pirate Mike taking the play in.

Match 2:

(8)The Christina ‘Steve’ Saga

Vs.

(9)The Hesters

The Steve Saga:

It started when she came over and someone misheard her name…from then on…she has been known as Steve.  I realized the damage my shit talk is capable…it started like any other night of my showboating shit talking sarcastic beer pong style…it ended in me launching balls from down the hall and beating her…Round 1…me.  Next she came over and i bet that i could beat her with my eyes closed for a whole game and if she won i would pay her bar tab next time we went out…Well…between beating her…and conducting a post-game interview…she was not happy…the last straw was a sarcastic facebooking incident leading ultimately to a de-friending…who thought that making fun of a girl for throwing up in a hallway…making fun of beer pong skills and the such would have an adverse affect on a relationship.  A few months ago the feud came to an end with a Middle East peace agreement style handshake…

The Hesters:

Key organizers of Rudy Day…Killer High Fives…Lack of driving skills…Niceness…Fluent Spanish…Sister Dating…Long-Term girlfriend…drunkness…a great round of never have i ever…the owning of an outer banks island…it runs the entire gambit..

Prediction: The Hesters….its not often for someone to loath me as much as steve did at one time…but its the Hesters we are talking about…a direct impact felt on 215 and fairfax towers as a whole.

Match 3:

(6)Club 215 opens its doors

Vs.

(11)Summer Cookouts

Club 215:

Has become an every weekend staple…known throughout fairfax towers…founding memebers Ant, Rudy, Pirate Mike….eventually has started to merge with 516 to make a super-club the likes of which have never been seen. Also worth noting..lead to the hesters.

Summer Cookouts:

Noise Violation on 4th of July…enough said really…oh throw in Ant’s diving off of a life guard chair and going to a hospital…awesome burgers and JMU Mike relations.  Debut of Chris T. , Rhonda’s Birthday…

Prediction: Cookouts…so much happened.

Match 4:

(4) Obama

Vs.

(13) Bodily Injury Suffered

Bodily Injury:  I almost broke my arm at work when a pallet about 7-8 feet up fell on me…Ant went to the hospital twice cementing water as his personal kryptonite…once with a broken bottle winning over flesh…the second involved the bottom of a swimming pool winning out over…well…his face.

Obama: Obama fever swept the nation and the first black president was elected.

Prediction: Bodily Harm…what the hell has Obama done in 08…nothing…just stirred the pot…shame on you Obama…get back to me when you achieve something…eh..eh…am i right or what…Bodily Harm directly effected me and my group of friends.

(Right side)

Match 1

(2)Working Overnight

Vs.

(15)Accidental Abstinence 

Overnight: There would be no Rudy Day without me being overnight…no blog…no raise…big impact indeed.

Accidental Abstinence: While it is a product of being overnight my streak of 6 months is impressive non the less…

Prediction: Overnight hands down.

Match 2:

(7)Ultra bar/NOVA bear grylls/how i got my iPhone

Vs.

(10)Vegas

Ultra Bar: Involved me getting rejected 16Xs in a row by women…leading to me taking the metro back without telling anyone…cab with suspended license dropped me off and i got lost in the woods…lost my phone and entered the apartment a broken man.

Vegas: Skydiving…Much Money Made…Strip Clubs…VIP Tables….Giving beer to the homless…the trip had it all.

Vote: Vegas

Match 3

My favorite match-up of the tourney.

(5)The Beach Trip

Vs.

(12)Pirate Mike…”Little Guy” Jokes

The Beach: The real world style video was shot…ant’s life was in shambles…double digit beers consumed in about an hour and a half…Using bangarang as a war cry against high school kids…lack of women….MixedAssRaechel even makes an appearance.

Little guy: If you’ve been reading this blog you know about little guy jokes…Mike being in a sailor outfit on Navy Pier…Mike taking is Fisher Price Plastic Red and Yellow car into garages for emission tests…Hitting an unsuspected little guy in the head with a large snowball knocking off his glasses and beanie….the propeller hat.  

Vote: But i’m saying though…i smell an upset.

Match 4:

(3)Wild Out 2009

Vs.

(14)Life in shambles

Wild Out 2009: Coming in as the latest possible entry despite its hard pronunciation of the ‘D’ in wild.  A night of drunkenness.  A night of dancing.  A night of imitating bouncers.  Random snap decisions leading to yet another cab ride for me.  The start of a new year.

Life In Shambles: I can’t count the number of times i heard ant say that his life was in shambles…and i can’t count the number of times he picked up those scraps and came back stronger than ever. Plus he has announced the phrases retirement effective as of ‘09.

Vote: We Wilded out like it was still 08

 

Well that’s it for the first round match-ups for the Events category….Tomorrow or Sat. after tallies of votes and after i write the next bracket i will do blow by blow commentary on each matchup…as well as post game thoughts.

Lets get the votes in!

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New Year’s Resolution: Be More Awesome/Rock Harder

January 5, 2009 at 3:22 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

One part of my about ten part new years resolution is getting the blog atleast close to daily updates again… slackers at work rejoice!

Subjects Covered:

Working Overnight

IL Political Situation

JMU “Rain Man” Mike

7-11 and How i run my errands

Chris Berman Is Back

NFL

 

So i had two trucks last night…i’m not sure but i think i’ve finally figured out what’s going on with my distribution center (the people that send me trucks)…I’m pretty sure they have a ‘Fuck Rudy’ button….Rudy has just relaxed from the 4th quarter he thinks its all over…ALL HANDS ON DECK…make sure to throw some KY on these trucks cuz he’s about to get fucked…again…I am the DC’s Whore…Seriously…2 trucks is a promise of a 12 hour day at minimum…i should have been there until 9 until my overnight manager Scott decided to jump on the grenade…For fuck’s sake…this makes no sense…Also, most of my team works two jobs…so guess what…around 6am (that’s right while you get up a little TOO early before your shift…realize its too cold to get up and piss and then go back to sleep for two more hours…)i’m having a fucking crisis in my store, everyone has to start leaving so they can get an hour of sleep before their next shift…and how can i honestly look at sweet hispanic women that work their asses off and tell them…’well sorry no sleep for you…now back to work!’   My team’s awesome i’m not gonna do that…It’s just time to realize i get paid good money because i’m my company’s bitch…Yeaaaaaah more physical labor… See while the most physical labor you may have at your job is deciding where to walk to lunch….on any given night an overnight manager can physically unload the truck…pull the pallets (stacked about 7 feet or so high) to their spot on the floor….carry the boxes from the pallets to their specific aisle…stock those boxes…clean up the trash…take the leftover stuff that doesn’t fit on the shelves (backstock) to the backroom…and then finally put that stuff into the stockroom…all before listening to the opening manager complain about how little sleep they got…or how they had to stay up late to watch their favorite movie or something…oh shit!  Sorry…sorry you had to be part of society for an extra hour…now if you’d excuse me i’m due to get some awkward stares at 7-11 for an early morning beer purchase.

This leads me to my next thought…

Working overnight leads to very questionable purchases…i want to be healthier…seriously i do…but imagine if everything was closed until 11PM for you…would you still feel like going to the grocery store or running errands…on a work night…i’m guessing probably not…and see this is a daily dilemma for me…cuz i could run all the errands i need to but then i have to switch my sleep schedule around…

So what this leads to is buying way more things than i should at 7-11…this starts at the least alarming, which is buying alcohol…a very limited…overpriced selection of alcohol…but you pay for the ease of purchase…but there should be a discount if you buy beer before noon on a weekday…cuz people look at you like you’ve just murdered their whole family in the parking lot…cleaned up and decided you needed to grab some beer for your get away.

But the alarming part comes from my food purchases…most people look at the things spinning on the rollers and think to themselves “who the fuck would eat that grade F hobo shit”

Well me and the two homeless people and the potential illegals in 7-11 are staring at those rollers just waiting..PRAYING…HOPING that mystery meat is up to temperature…Although it causes instant heartburn nothing beats the quick service and satisfaction you get out of a cheese injected cheeseburger big bite…or perhaps the assorted tacquitos….or like today one of they shotty egg sandwiches…i’ll make a deal with you…i bet the only time you would ever consider digesting this bile is when you are drunk and 7-11 is the only place open…for ME??? This is a meal CHOICE.  

My car is 4000 miles over for an oil change…it took me over a month to get a haircut (and if you read the previous blog you saw how that went)…I have to pay rent today…mail out my car payment…

Ok maybe the last two are just my fault…well…working overnight and being a procrastinator probably isn’t the best combo…but whatever.

Oh…speaking of bills…my old gym…like ‘07 old just tried to charge my card for $370….WHAT!?!? Did you think i was such a fucking workhorse (seeing as though i hadn’t been there since i lived in manassas well over a year and a half ago) that you think you could charge me after the fact…trying to give me a sense of nostalgia?  Trying to tell me something!  I get it World Gym…you say i’m out of shape…well i say you’re out of line…good luck getting your money…

I like how are politicians are supposed to be helping us get things brought into law and refine the system we currently have…yeah this is fucking hilarious…

The Gov. of IL i’m not even going to attempt to spell his name got caught…ON FUCKING TAPE…basically selling senate seats…hmmm…apparently he has been arrested..but how are you arrested but still hold your job…i’m not sure but if i told people on my team…there is a management slot open…and i’m not saying its for you…but there are a few cds i’d like to listen to and if anyone could make them materialize i’d sure remember that….Seriously?  I’d be fired the SECOND human resources got wind of it….THE SECOND…meanwhile this big ‘ol d-bag is being told to ‘resign’.  Politicians are saying…oh have class…resign…What? Class…have you seen what he has committed but you just expect him to suddenly say…My bad…i’m done…give it to the next guy….Here’s a new law to enact…if you commit a CRIME and are supposed to represent the government of the US and its people…you’re fucking DONE SON!!!  How are we supposed to have faith in our government at this time when the people in power can just do whatever the fuck they want…us little people are hit with the depression…fuck it…stop calling it a recession…its awful and its lasting atleast for 2009 from what all the smart people are predicticating.  But i guess it’s not officially a depression until all the people in the good ol boys club are hit…I think Obama’s dog should be an attack dog…blind fold it…drench all members of congress’ genitals with different animal scents…the ones that still own testicles go on…the rest are banished to Mexico. Atleast that would help weed out some of them. Then Arnold gets changed to Sgt at arms of Congress…anyone he even suspects of thinking about corruption gets pummeled no questions asked…and thus our government is reformed…

US government…if you wish to nominate me for the nobel prize or any other high honor…just leave a comment

JMU Mike might as well be called Rain Man Mike….This guy knows the capitals of countries you’ve never heard of…don’t even try to test it..he will embarass you which is hard because you never thought you even cared to know obscure world capitals…well he’ll do it as long as People’s Court is on…Cuz he’s “gotta see judge wopner…definitely gotta see judge wopner…definitely definitely gotta see judge wopner”

Chris Berman had a great call…Ravens Vs. Dolphins…  Ron (in a palin impression) He’s a Maverick McClain goes in for a TD!   Nice to see you’re back Berman…

Ant congrats on your birds winning in the 1st round

Pirate Mike: Congrats on VT winning a game that when looking preseason should have just been a normal game on the schedule…way to go tech?   How can you feel good that you whole season culminates with a win over an OK team…that’s what i don’t like about college football…its like its a whole league that bought way to many ‘good effort’, ‘participation’, and ‘4th place’ awards and now they have to do something with them….oh look Notre Dame won a game…..Give em a bowl…fuck they sure did try…fat ass charlie Weiss even gimped around for a whole two games for only 50 million dollar or whatever insane amount of money they gave him.

Its funny thomas jones insulted brett favre after the season was over…any reason why you set a career high in rushing yards??? Oh maybe its because teams were too busy worrying about the best quarterback to play the game to worry about your marginal rushing skills…

Did you forget last season? You know the season where the Jets paid you and you produced just about nothing?

I didn’t…what i do remember is you rushing yards sucking for about the first half of the season…until favre started slinging TD passes all over the fucking place and then when they played off you started getting the ball.

Good luck when Favre’s gone…we’ll see who you bad mouth next.

I’m seeing the CAPS play the FLYERS tuesday night…fucking awesome…i’m not getting laid now…and seeing Ovie play is basically the next best thing…

Wow…i’m spent.

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