Oh my god…its a new blog
So my roommate mike thinks he’s a jedi knight…because apparently when he saying ‘i’m sayin though’ he thinks he can then say ‘these are not the droids you are looking for’ and get through the stormtrooper checkpoint. See i referred to this earlier…Pirate Mike decides to just try to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes by uttering…i’m sayin though. I thought he was drunk as hell…he claimed he was a little drunk…a guest…a lady guest..claimed she drank as much as mike…a mere 5 beers…and she wasn’t drunk. He said…i’m sayin though i wasn’t drunk…then followed by i’m sayin though i drank like 6 beers so i was a little drunk….Oh Pirate Mike you don’t fool me.
Pirate Mike multiple times a week brings fool’s gold into jewlery stores…asks the clerk their IQ and tries to sell it to them…the fact that he’s wearing a cape and loudly yells…AH HA! probably doesn’t help things.
JMU Mike is a Chef…well not really…but he can butter and salt the hell out of some bread…he showed up to my place with Whiskey and a bottle of Pregu…seriously can anyone think of a more random combo… liquor and red sauce…’Chaser dude!’ Actually it was for his new meal coined… ‘baby dicks with red sauce’ Oh but its not your grandad’s baby dicks and red sauce…mainly because its consensual…Its basically a smaller version of a Olive Garden bread stick.
I think making through 4th quarter in my job and trying to tell people what its like is like a ‘nam vet talking about his experience in the war.
I done seen trucks the size of whales..that could swallow a man whole…Fresh 18 year olds barely meeting the guidelines ready to see ‘the shit’ because of what some friends told them…only to see them become battle hardened and dead inside…well the lucky ones…other ones…other ones…they only lasted a matter of days…broken…red eyed….beaten.
I done seen assortment boxes burry people from my team…only to see their hands shoot out and claw to freedom…
I done seen box cutters and cardboard leave very annoying cuts…people felled by bookshelves
I done seen it all man…I DONE SEEN IT ALL…you think you wanna see the action? you think you wanna be in the shit?
The freight laughs at you…the freight disagrees…and only the most hardened souls shall overcome what they can dish out!
I get less play than: Neo Geo’s, Game Gears, Sega Saturns, Virtual Boys, and Hanson Videos on BET…and well Hanson since i get zero play…hold out hope…you can do it…sooner or later someone is going to break down those walls.
Reasons why there can’t be “White entertainment television”
1) It would be WET…and 96% (i think a 96 should just be the name for an akward attempt at a 69..or what teenagers do when they don’t know what you are acutally supposed to do in any sexual act) of the people tuning in would be disappointed it wasn’t porn.
2) Overtly racist movies couldn’t fly on WET
3) We’ve all seen enough of Dolly, Kenny Rogers, and Ted Nugent
4) Its already called CMT
5) Freestyle friday would be unbearable.
6) WETs college reality show would just piss people off…
7) After a few hours…people realize…it wasn’t porn when it started…and its still not porn yet
So i helped my little cousin put together some legos and realized some things…
The Millineum Falcon is a great piece of architecture…..Lego’s age ranges are really off…they could use and update to instructions…they need to snap together tighter.
So first of all this thing took me 3 or 3.5 hours to assemble…and it was listed as 8-10 years old…now i could be dumb…BUT i have this paper that says i graduated college…so i think they should just put bachelor’s degree needed…or parent with little patience needed…if its over 8 in difficulty…because seriously what lego experience isn’t complete without the owner (child) doing little to no work and then the adult getting frustrated…Part of that frustration…you can’t put a massive structure like the one i built..together on the carpet…everytime you press down another part pops off….plus an attention span of a little kid is only so long…
these are examples
My cousin stated by walking on all the pieces he could find the one we were looking for easier…they shot across the floor and he tripped a few times
‘watch the obstacle course i just made’
‘i bet i can do that obstacle course faster’
‘look what i just built’ (out of the parts i needed)
‘lets have a race and see if we can get it built before people get here’
Seriously the last part is genius…the kid is a born manager…he helps at the start…gets me invested and then just does what he wants.
Finally i could have built that thing in less than 3 and a half fucking hours if i had some better instructions…sweet…..hazy instructions…didn’t think this star wars lego set was bought at IKEA.
Speaking of IKEA…if you think their meatballs are good you are taking huge doses of stupid pills…they taste just like middle school cafeteria food.
I bought an electric guitar…i guess i just wanted to see if i was able to secure noise violations not only on weekends…but weekday mornings as well!
Well shit…i don’t get to go to all of our parties…guess this is my own way of getting a part of the action.
It actually is to serve as a new hobby..because believe it or not..drinking alone in the morning and playing video games just doesn’t do it for me all the time.
I know that before people meet me or know i work overnight seeing the blackout curtain i have over my bedroom window probably makes me look a bit sketch…but i foud something more so…Someone in my building has an apartment bordering the outside….and they have a lamp that has no shade just the lightbulb…seriously…i just assume you’re cooking meth and cleaning your gun in there…lamp shades aren’t that much…you should think of investing.
That’s all she wrote…don’t mistake things…i know its been a while…i’m still a dude…i was just using the expression…
I’m not dead…but am a bit bitter
So i’ve had long days at work…like really long fucking days…not just because they are 12 hours but also because they are 12 hours full of hard work…Add that with your normal managerial headaches you get to encounter and you have the ‘Perfect Shit Storm’ and George Clooney couldn’t get me outta this one…well i guess he couldn’t get out of the actual one either so…botched reference.
So the economy has hit my company allowing me to explain to my team why they can’t pay rent and feed their kids…because no conversation is more fun then letting them know this all knowing all seeing but invisible ‘corporate’ has deemed our payroll hours to be cut in half…fucking sweet.
On top of this i decide to get my team sandwiches…a little make your own sandwich event…too bad my team are like god damn goats and will eat anything and everything put in front of them…with no regard for their fellow man…i bought 10 tubs of lunch meat…plus pb&j…salami….and pepperoni…and 75 slices of cheese…for 30 people…too bad it was all gone in 15 minutes and i had to get more bread…i’m glad i didn’t see this occur…apparently people were hoarding sandwiches…like three or four at a time…i was like fucking oil in Mad Max…or fresh water in Waterworld..but without Kevin Costener’s fancy piss to water converter (which we now actually have…its been tested…IN SPACE…and you know all good things come from space testing…velcro..teflon…getting the shit vaccuumed out of you…all great advancements) I had a person from my team come up to me after those 15 minutes to tell me that they couldn’t get food…food is what energizes my team…that and orange soda…i don’t know what it is about Fucking Fanta…but it is shelve stocking fuel…JET FUEL. Anyways, i just feel defeated because they need food…i wanted everyone to have some…but this person was shunned because they were like the runt that couldn’t get to the tit fast enough and now mom’s chaffed and has had enough…
Anyways…
To make matters worse it was a HUGE truck…but we KILLED it…i had my team out at 6 and i was ready to go home at about 630…oh but WAIT…there was the phone call that my boss’ car got fucked up (legit excuse) and she wouldn’t be in…the next person was due in at 7…but they didn’t show up until 845 because they closed the night before…oh wait…my key doesn’t work to get into the safe so i have to open my store with one working register out of about 20…sweet…not like its a busy day or anything…oh yeah that’s right its the friday before Christmas..Fuck Me!
I forgot the difference in whining between my team and the day team…my team respects me and for the most part sees my word as final…too bad a few day people wanted to test me…someone was bitching at me for their pay check…why? so you can sit staring at it for 8 hours because your shift literally started less than a minute ago..meanwhile i’ve been here 11 fucking hours so far with 2 more to go! I told her i had to open the store…she said i had 5 minutes…i told her she had 8hrs to get her check so i win…
Then i get on the road….accident on 495…on the on ramp…fender bender but the person makes sure 2 ambulances and 3 fire trucks are called in…sweet because they probably didn’t have anything better to do than check on your bruised ego and claims of whiplash…we’ll explain why they are late to Actual Emergencies.
anyways…
The war on Christmas…you know how you aren’t allowed to display or really say Christmas anymore…lets stretch that to Merry as well..because there is only one holiday you are talking about then…I hope super conservatives use ‘Merry Holidays’ to secretly get back at those ‘blood sucking jews…and godless Muslims’ Its funny because i see people in backwoods US calling Muslims godless or something completely forgetting they worship the same god.
Have you seen the McDonalds Nuggets commercials…its degrading for me as an african american…or blackmerican as tracy morgan calls them…and i’m white! and not even the south african kind! Seriously…the R&B nuggets song…only thing that could be more damaging at this point would be Obama photographed at Rosco’s Chicken and Waffles drunk with a 40 and wearing an RIP Tupac Shirt.
Also with McNuggets is the ultimate Red Neck wedding…the McNugget wedding cake..shoot yourselves now…and if its not to kill yourself just shoot yourself in the reproductive organs…because if you think that is your idea of a classy or romatic day you’re dead inside…so really no need to shoot once you ingest that cake your body will realize what’s up and shut down all necessary functions.
I think pirate mike is afraid of the dark…he claims he leaves his light on ‘by accident’ when talking to MixedAssRachel at night…its ok little buddy…i know the real secret…i know what i’m getting someone for Christmas.
I started playing the guitar…i think i want to get good enough to play songs flawlessly but very slightly fuck up lyrics…”Keep on rockin’ cuz its a free world” I’ll come up with an Emo name for my one man band like Paper Machee Dreams…my first single would be something along the lines of Good Arteries bad suicide attempts, Funhouse body image dolls, Insecurity’s for kids…and other uplifting dramatized titles.
Your Monday Blog Written On Sunday
So i’ve been working 12 hour days…for me that means waking up at 8:50 and getting home as late as 9:30 some days…and some days since people can’t drive in the rain…its like when they see rain they assume all their tires are going to burst at the same time and they are going to t-bone a short bus…that’s how careful they are…so careful that my 15 minute drive turns into an hour and a half…what the fuck…i’m happy cuz its only an 11 hour day..next thing i know i have a few hours until i need to go to bed…plus…i kind of had to piss before the commute…by the time i got home it was a photo finish.
So…Ant owed me some money for a christmas present…and asked if i took check..that’s when i realized if i were a bank…
I’d want to wear a 20 gallon hat…fuck 10 gallons…that shit would be flapping around everywhere at the slightest movement…COOOOOOOOOOOOME ON DOWN…TO THE BAAAAAAAAAAAANK OF RUDY!!!!
I’ll start off by saying no CODs or Money orders but we do take….Hope…teeth…hair…monopoly money…I.O.U’s….your own currency…confidence…body parts…people…promises…your credit score…..finger nails..we’ll take pretty much anything…cuz hey you’ve seen the economy.
The only reason the economy is a good thing…cuz you can use that shit as an excuse for ANYTHING…sir…do you know why i stopped you…”the economy”….why did you cheat on me…”well you know the economy…how am i going to pass up a buy one get one free”….”Why did you eat all my food…the economy mother fucker…its a dog eat dog world out there…and the dog you had in the fridge looked pretty good” Dude…we don’t have a dog…my little sister’s hamster died the other day and she wanted to burry it…. “Deal with it…America’s broke?”
I think we need another cold war…remember that shit…of course you don’t cuz like me you weren’t born…but you know what…it gave us a common enemy to take our minds off of anything else…the Soviets were awesome…because guess what…no matter how bad life was…at least you weren’t no commie red bastard…we NEEEEED that. Seriously….that’s what bush was trying to get at…declare an Axis of evil…spin a wheel..where it lands..cold war..nuclear arms race…we can even donate some TO them…just to justify us bulking up as well and getting people riled up..cuz lets face it..we all knew Iraq and Afghanistan would be no match. Shit…i’ll move to mexico and start a movement where we all call each other comrade just so the united states hates us and starts an almost war against us…cuz guess what…we’d be a country again…right now its like its Halloween and someone just door ditched our country…we look outside and the family Jack-O-Laterns have been smashed on the porch.
Infomercials have effected my life greatly…you know…at first i didn’t think any of the products were legit….i was a doubter much like you…but i have some knowledge to offer…and if you read on…I’LL DOUBLE YOUR OFFER
Ok…so first was the Hercules hook…they work…punch em in you wall…spin em around…next thing you know you have statues hanging from your walls
Next…Mighty Putty…my side mirror has been on for about a year with that shit with no sign of stopping
After that…Handy Switch…i now made a light switch out of my corner lamp…my room has never been so illuminated…for a while it was a waste of money…my lamp…cuz who is going to stumble over furniture everyday just to turn on a lamp…well NO NEED with HANDY SWITCH
Shamwow! just bought them…VINCE YOU ARE THE MAN!!! I keep on feeling like i should spill some shit just to try them out…we haven’t had a huge mess yet…but we could have a triple homicide…and we’d be prepared…SHAM…Motherfuckin..WOW!
Trying some people at work what my job consists of is like teaching a monkey Physics…guess what teaching a monkey colors is fucking impressive….Coco knew fucking sign language…but that’s how foreign the concept of my job to other people in the store is….no one is teaching newton’s laws of motion to a chimp…i don’t care how little genes separate us.
I’m going to sponser a hippie…they try to limit pollution…so i’m going to an F-350 take off the muffler…load it to maximum hauling capacity and drive it through state parks…the whole time of course i will be eating fast food leftovers out of non-biodegradable containers…and blaring southern classic rock.
I wont say my whole comment on JMU’s football game…but i feel that Mickey Matthews son is a more talented WR than what we are dealing with right now.
So the girl at the front desk the other day stopped me…after another long day…she asked me if i knew the 6 foot tall darker built black guy…at this point i said…”yeah Ant? He’s my roommate.” she then kept explaining him…”yeah he works out alot…hangs out with the shorter guy and a white guy too”…Yeah ANT MY FUCKING ROOMATE (I thought)….but i did respond…’oh yeah…the little guy is my roomie too”
Oh what i’m trying to get at Ant…Jermaine lost your number…and he WANTS IT…..BAD
I was thinking…maybe i should just tell girls i don’t have sex….play some mind games…it wouldn’t work though…ideally it would pose as a challenge…but actually…as soon as I noticed it was a female who had breasts…it would be over…because i have very little female interaction in life…because at work…i’m work rudy….nice guy…sarcasm is only harmless…and i might as well be a unic…because i’m not losing my fucking job…so i don’t even look at anything any other ways…and maybe that’s why i can’t get a girl..because i’m so used to being motherfucking angel unic rudy that i blow all my chances
Throwback Blog….Daylight Savings Time
Daylight savings has fucked my whole shit up. It feels like a monday…i feel like i have a whole week to work when really this is my last day before a few off….Which i guess is a good thing…maybe we should have daylight savings time about every month….Actually screw that just knock me out and wake me up when its warm again.
VA’s weather is controlled by someone that’s bi-polar…seriously in the last two weeks we’ve gone from frost to 60 to raining to actual fall weather. Its a wonder people are ever actually healthy in VA…because god knows the body has no idea what to do. It’s like your body is playing a massive game of simon says…or red light green light with mother nature…one fuck up and you’re sick for a week.
Have you realized that it seems to be perfectly acceptable to be racist against asian people…doesn’t matter where they are from…Though it would be hard if we could only be racists against South Koreans or something…you’d have to ask everyone you suspect before something..because THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME…see even in caps there will be no backlash because somewhere down the line the FCC, ACLU, and whatever other organizations just decided that they’ve got too much shit on their plate and they had to pick a race to ignore..
I mean think about it…TV shows…movies…what isn’t bleeped out on tv….If i had a show that featured Jerome the black dice player that speaks only in slang eats watermelon, chicken and drinks 40oz’s i would be kicked off of TV before the intro music ended.
But if it was Lee who was great at math..shy..short with a small dick…no problem…
Case in point, watch any rush hour movie. Chris Tucker comes off as the most racist man alive…I’m sure when they were accused of it they just said…nuh uh…look they’re partners.(wow i just realized jackie chan’s character’s name IS Actuallly Lee)
You think Jackie Chan actually liked doing his own stunts? FALSE, he was forced to, because he was viewed as 2nd class and no one would step in for him..Poor bastard. I bet George Clooney has never even thought of doing stunts…in fact an asian was probably called in to do it for him.
I’m happy about the Obama thing…but i don’t play around and think things are going to change…i mean he will do some things…but overall politics in america are more about image than anything else now…mainly because congress is all about being a career politician….can you blame them though…
Here’s your set up…sit in a room with all of you buddies and vote for whatever keeps you in the sweet ass club you’re in. People throw you money just to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Girls, no problem…you get free shit everywhere…sounds nice.
It would be like if you were in elementary school and you got invited to be in a club that had the sickest tree house…a Sega AND super nintendo…unlimited cookies…and you were allowed to drink soda…All you have to do is kiss up to the kid’s parents even if you don’t like the other people in it…even if you don’t believe what the parents want or say…doesn’t matter you’re staying in that fucking clubhouse..cuz mom only lets you have sprite…or other soda without caffiene…and you are pretty sure caffiene is what life’s all about.
Ant says people wanna stick him for his starch…that’s how you know when you’ve moved up in the world…when you relate to Biggie’s songs through missing laundry aids. I can’t wait until Ant re-makes Ice Cube’s today was a good day….it would include chipotle, lifting weights in small shirts, the eagles winning, hanging out with mascots, but just like Cube’s video..it doesn’t end well…he has no starch and his pants dried wrong so now his legs are all itchy.
In related news…JMU Mike is known to fuck around and get a triple double…As well as knowing every word to the song “I get around” I’m gonna get him drunk and buy him the plastic glasses and nose that shockG wears so he can switch back and forth between them.
I wish on the end of one of Pirate Mike’s trips he would just come back with a life altering decision being made…like he’s part of the nation of Islam now and just walks in with the full get up and says praise to Allah after every few words. Or like all the sudden he just decides not to eat a fairly obscure food…DUDE YOU KNOW I DON’T EAT CILANTRO…OR BEETS…why would you make me cilantro beets for dinner…(i don’t think that’s real)
What happened to good old rock and roll bands…when is the last time you’ve heard a good story about a modern rock and roll band…It’s like…Oh i heard Hinder forgot to balance their checkbook the other day..they’re hardcore…Fucking pansies.
Ozzy Ozbourne would have already snorted a line of black ants…lapped up piss..and bit heads off of various animals (all true) by the time it took Nickleback to call around to check for better rates on their car insurance.
While Fall Out Boy are out getting Henna tattoos and mochas…Led Zeppelin is getting moms and daughters to sleep together…and Gene Simmons has found out there is something called AIDS II…Super Sypholreah…and mega crabs.
Scott Wiland (dont know how to spell his name…lead singer from STP) doesn’t do heroin anymore, Guns ‘N Roses hired a guitar player that wears a bucket on his head and axel wears corn rows. Nas was right when he said rap was dead..but he should have crossed out rap and said good mainstream music.
We can always count on two things making the music news though…George Michaels public masterbation and crack habit….And Michael Jackson’s obsession with kids…i wish Jackson came out with a cologne called obsession and it just smelled like cotton candy, kool-aid, and little boy penis.
Did you know MJ is actually trying to move into a house in Vegas across from an elementary school compliments of Steve Wynn…true story.. families in around the place are actually protesting..
You know you’re a piece of shit when moving to an area causes protests…
Horacio Sans and Jack Black’s comedy are both underused…jack black takes WHATEVER is thrown in his direction…too bad because he’s funny as shit and Kung-Fu panda was the worst premise for a movie ever.
MixedAssRachel: Has a rear view cam…now she only needs to invest in a front, left, and right cam…oh and a personal driver…then we will really be safe
We sell Shamwow!s at my store…didn’t know if you were aware…but they are made in Germany so you know they’re good…and they’ll save you 100’s of dollars that you would be spending on paper towel
Another Monday…another blog
So we were ordering pizza last night…JMU Mike was all for it until he found out i wasn’t getting a large but a medium…the only way he was going to order is if he got his dollar pizzone…now…excuse me…but this got me a little excited…ok so you cancel your order because now its going to cost you 6.99…meanwhile you want me to upgrade my purchase to around 15 dollars…so basically you’ll only ‘pay’ if you get to ‘pay’ next to nothing…there were 3 other people involved in this order who were all fine…but once mike thought it was going to cost him more than a dollar (he wasn’t even going to split the cost evenly across other pizzone customers) no thanks…not for me.
To relate this to video games…or technology in general..that would be like me saying…hey i’ll buy a blue ray if you guys buy 2 dvds….there was a buy one get one blu ray sale…and mike says he’s only in if he can get the second (free) Blu-ray
That leads me to believe that JMU mike will be opening a sweat shop sometime soon…hmm…i want decent quality shoes…but i don’t wanna pay anything…
I wonder what they call cowboys and indians in india….there are two choices…cowboys and us…or cowboys and native americans…alteast i hope those are the choices…otherwise india just assumes we teach our youth from birth to take over their country…curry for everyone!!!
So if i was filthy rich and i had people on payroll just because i could…
I’d have one person that played ‘we are the champions’ at the exact moment i “finished”….obviously i’m talking about sex
Wash up and come back in the room with a naked captain morgan pose…’that’s right baby…you just got fucked by a champ’
I recently realized i can’t think of scenario where i’ll have sex again…it was a sad day…and that’s the truth…i honestly can’t see a situation where i’ll be having sex again…guess i’m hangin it up at 24
Also i had a realization that boobs aren’t just things in porn…they actually occur in real life and some people get to see them in all their glory…fuck!
not this guy…guess i need to start seeing what sites i need to subscribe to.
Do you ever realize that there is a certain strategy to avoid the mall kiosk people…
1) avoid eye contact at all costs
2) Pick which side of the mall you are going to and hug it…don’t bull shit around with the middle road…you’re in their cross hairs and now you have to feel their massage pillow…or deal with pitches for some annoying kid toy…if they do say something near you…best case scenario…you pretend you are deaf…you just keep walking…just a flinch in their direction…THEY WILL POUNCE ON YOU…HEY!!! did you know my product could revolutionize your life…No i didn’t..because you’re not billy mays…last time i checked you didn’t have a kick ass beard…and you weren’t planning on doubling my offer anytime soon.
So i saw the Punisher Warzone movie the other day…i saw it with the promises of it being more violent than Rambo…that wasn’t the case but it was entertaining…mainly because one of the sets of bad guys were urban runners/free runners/parkour….how does the punisher…you know the badass with a bunch of guns and attitude just so happen to have a weakness for free running…don’t worry though…he blew them up with a rocket launcher…threw the leader off the roof on top of a spiked fence and then dropped down on him also breaking his neck…so Frank Castle showed who gets the laugh laugh…the studio…obviously…it may not make a shit load of money…but anything it makes is going to be WAY more than the studio thought was possible.
So i was reading CNN a boy fought off a coyote with a snowboard but is listed below Bush kissing Barbara Striesand….i don’t understand this…Its the same exact story…only one knew what was going on in each…and belittled the other through the only weapon they had….the boy knocked out the coyote….Barbara kissed bush…infecting him with whining and judiasm…shit george…good luck with your shitty presents over 12 nights..or however long it is…but apparenlty you are very economical with oil.
Short blog..but i had to get something up…i’ll have another one tomorrow.
How the doublemint twins relate to my job..and other far stretches
So its the time of year when i work hard and other people have fun…i need a monitor on my heart…not because i might have a heart attack…because eventually i have to have that grinch moment where my heart grows and breaks out….because i’m overcome with christmas joy….but seriously…the grinch should get that shit checked out…people are all giving him praise for it…GRINCH you now have an abnormally sized heart…and that shit happened in one day…get to the doctor…FUCK
Here is the alternate/deleted ending of the grinch
Grinch walks into the hospital all happy..giving people presents and shit…MEEEEEERRY Chrismas!!! Ok sir…calm the fuck down…what’s the problem…”well i AM feeling FAAAANTASTIC..” Ok sir you’re wasting my time… “Ok well everything’s great…but there’s one problem…my heart is the size of a bowling ball” Oh…oh..oh my god…Get him IN SURGERY!!!… Now the camera pans out and you see a blood spattered grinch with his chest cracked open…Grinch looks up glassy eyed…clinches his fist and utters…fuck it all.
I wanna end the term checkmate and start the phrase…’king me’ its gotta be said quick and in a high pitched voice…kind of like the creepy old man from family guy…that’s right checkers…after 100s of year of sharing the same board but getting none of the classic terms…i’m holding your torch…cuz god knows if you have a lead and you get a king or two…GAME OVER…the only thing more humiliating is a blind triple jump…you think you’re setting your opponent up…click…clack..pop…there pieces gone…you’re at a serious disadvantage and your ego is deflated..deal with that shit…then you hear…KING ME…YOU’RE DONE SONNNN! King me could also be a cry for help or a battle cry…Kurt Russel is surroundedl has been shot in both arms…and was a double amputee to begin with…next thing you know he utter a gravely…”King Me…Mutherfuckers” THAT’S WHEN HE SPOTS THE EXPLOSIVE…MOTHERFUCKING…BARRELLS…Game OVER
So this is disgusting but i have a new term…a new term for a giant crap…
Its called the iceberg…
Your crap is so massive it breaks the surface of the water…because if it weren’t for some crystal clear water you’d only see the head poking out…unaware of the god awful things lurking below those waters….so i guess you know how i spent my night…
Ok so the Doublemint twins…you know the commercials where they ride the double seated bike…that’s what its like when i take a double (2 trucks in one night….it consists of going into work 2 hours early and staying 2 hours late..its a pretty sweet deal..and this time of the year it happens multiple times each week). Its like i’m driving my car and all the sudden the twins catch up..they wave and smile…so do i…i shake my head and go back to driving…crazy twins…haHA!! Then i look back and the crazy twins have black skeleton bandanas around their faces and they are holding uzis. Oh shit! I thought this was supposed to go smoothly…what the fuck is going on…next thing i know i’ve found myself like Luke Skywalker…dunked in a tank on hoth struggling to survive (just wanted to confirm i’m a nerd and don’t deserve having sex with females…well…female women). That’s the first one you take…after a while you adjust…they pull up to fucking TuPac you…too late…you turned your james bond oil slick on…it splatters on their face and you toss you lighter out the window…and watch the mushroom cloud explosion in your rear view…BLAM! just like an action movie…so you grow older…many doubles later..you’ve traded in your SWEET IROC Camaro for a mini van…you don’t even notice your nemesis in the rear view…your kids are watching thomas the motherfucking tank engine…WHY WOULD THEY BOTHER YOU NOW….they roll up on you…you draw your gun and fucking Plax yourself in the thigh. They laugh and detonate the pipe bomb on your van…because they knew eventually they’d pull you down….
yeah its like that (i think that scenario would make a great sierra mist commercial…the slogan “yeah its like that”)
But seriously it is…the first time…Wow that’s a shit load of freight…after a while you get cocky..then you get bitch slapped and put in your place by the freight gods.
Why didn’t plaxico have a dumb bodyguard to get busted??? you make millions of dollars…you could hire an entire 3rd world militant force…he could have the whole Khmer Rouge from Cambodia at his disposure…but no need..not with his complete disregard of laws or any gun safety….congrats on your new team Plax…the Raiders…because Al Davis will overpay you…and your career will die there…I don’t know what’s going to happen to Eli now…because Plax helped him the the…there are three hole with three shapes…and three blocks…NO ELI CIRCLE CAN’T FIT IN TRIANGLE…..But to be fair…Plaxico is the only one Eli has ever beat in that game…that and first to correctly count to 10 and spell their own names.
Well…i gotta rematch with the doublemint twins..so i gotta leave….
Wait…before you go..listen to these
Shaklers revenge – Guns N’ Roses
Better – Guns N’ Roses
Come Get with it- Basic Vocab
Set you free,
hard row,
remember when (side b),
Psychotic Girl,
and you may have heard strange times in GTAIV…all by the Black Keys
Another way to die – jack white and alicia keys
Shankill Butchers – the decemberists
Same Thing – Flobots
Anything by Automato
(i know some of these are old…but i haven’t suggested music in a while…enjoy)
After Recovering From Many Turkey Comas…I’m Back
Life has been a blur since Thanksgiving…I felt like what burnt out people back in the day must have felt like sitting all day in their Opium dens…the difference being that i wasn’t ‘chasing the dragon’ and what i was doing was legal…but it has left in its wake turkey carcasses and many a slain potato. I’ve been ingesting leftovers Constantly…unless i’m at work…because i’m pretty sure turkey is the worst thing to binge on when trying to stay up the whole night…On top of being full constantly i’ve thrown out my back and been taking two trucks multiple times a week…
Anyways, I’m going to let you in on a breakthrough…not so much because it’s original..but because it has finally been named….
The Turkey Hobo…its that mash of all the leftover you devour that when its all mixed up together looks like the end results of a bad saturday night.
Here’s your standard Turkey Hobo: Mashed Potatoes, Turkey (ripped up a bit to avoid choking and a loss of eating velocity), Gravy, Stuffing
The best way to go about this is to layer your bowl (because a plate wont give you the correct mixtures…first the taters….then turkey, stuffing, top off with more of the mashed taters, pour gravy over all of it. Nuke it for 1:45…salt heavily….like so heavily halfway through you realize its a health risk…then continue salting…stir that shit up and binge away.
Hobo Royal: The same as before, add yourself some cheese and corn wasn’t a bad introduction
Hobo Jr: If you have to do without something i guess it would have to be the stuffing…though it really makes the hobo special…
Hobo Lite: No gravy…half salt job.
Now i call it the hobo because if hobos had access to this it would be perfect for their ‘on the go’ lifestyle….plus if you’re digging through dumpsters after thanksgiving and you find a bowl along the way…it really makes things easier…just throw the scraps right in there…stir it up..and sit behind an idling car…the exhaust is sure to eventually warm it up…i’m pretty sure i saw that on pg. 12 of Hobo Afficianado…the magazine for today’s modern homeless…plus the pages double as TP and comes with tear away pages in the back that have you panhandling slogans so you don’t have to find markers (will fuck for sympathy, will perform free dental work for food, and for the self-aware crazy….Beware Hobo Bites)
I hate when bad sports teams throw up the ‘dynasty’ sign…Jay-Z look what you have done…i saw Va Tech throwing up the sign…you congrats on your turn over…now maybe people will forget about those last 2 3 and outs….oh and how you’ve once again fallen horribly short of all expectations…DYNASTY!!!!
Corners do i when they make a play in the pros (what they are paid millions to do) I’m pretty sure Deshawn Stevenson (NBA) does it after taking a shit…there may not be a better self-promoter on the planet.
Did anyone notice that Fred Smoot was too busy planning Party Boat 2: Party on the Potomac instead of playing corner…seriously…Armani Toomer beat you dude…he’s like 39.
There was a time when i looked forward to Chris Berman’s witty nicknames and puns…now he’s just mailing it in…Day light comes and you gotta Delhomme was changed into Day light comes and you gotta…throw it to smith….its just sad.
I walked into the apt yesterday carrying a case of beer and flannel pajamas…i didn’t think until afterwards how sketchy that had to look to the door man…this was Sunday morning…either i had a horrible saturday that i had big plans for…(i’ll get her a case a beer and bring the pants cuz i’m spending the night FOR SURE)..or i’m just getting an early start on abusing some children sexually…oh shit! its 6:30 what am i thinking…better get to 7-11 quick, and then start scouting bus stops!
I bet old time door to door salesmen join the Church of Later Day Saints when they retire…still get to do what you’ve been programmed to do…but don’t have to say you are working…
Biggest reason why i wont join them….they say the word Later….like you would say Ladder…they probably also pronounce the S in illinois…and say ‘again’ ’A…gain’…From my understanding its not the church of construction equipment using saints….Get it right.
I don’t like it when people say…oh i can’t cuz of my religion…or my diet…or beliefs…just say…no thanks…if i want to know more i’ll press you for the answer…you don’t have to try and impress me..or advertise.
This next segment is called ‘Justifying A Ridiculous Purchase With Rudy’
On this episode we will be reviewing my iPhone purchase.
So it cost $300 (i was one of the smart ones that bought it at double the price and half the speed) i think…even if it didn’t we are going to work with that.
First…i needed a new Cell Phone…which is a legit purchase…but here’s how i justify it…it doesn’t cost 300.
Old plan i was paying 70…now i’m paying 50…that’s a saving of 20 per month multiply that by the 2 yr. service contract…
20 X24 = 480
Internet is free so no data plan really needed…so i’ll just say $10 a month for that…we’re up to 240 for that
300 – (240+480) = apple is giving me money to buy this phone…see how easy that was…now you try!!!
See a seemingly foolish purchase turns into CASH IN MY POCKETS..($420 of cash)…Plural because i’m saving so much it couldn’t all possibly fit in ONE POCKET
That is the same process i used to justify signing up for GameFly since i spent 60 bucks per game and gamefly was only 20 a month and i could keep 2 games at a time for as long as i wanted…here’s what actually happened…A game wouldn’t be available…so i’d just buy the one i wanted anyways..i would get bored…one time i had the game coming and i didn’t want to wait so now had two copies of the same game at my house.
We are going to take it back a little bit…Reasons why ant is the greatest man on the planet.
1) Most people think that Barry Sanders retired due to not being traded by the Lions. This IS NOT TRUE. Barry Sanders once attended one of Anthony’s practices. Upon seeing him run, he knew he could never be the greatest running back alive. He retired the next day.
2) Anthony is so nice that once he got autographs from a group of great people. Later Anthony was stricken with some ideas…he jotted them down on this paper. They call it THE CONSTITUTION. He gave all the credit to “the founding fathers”.
3) Anthony beat the machine John Henry was up against…John Henry wasn’t even in the race. After beating the machine anthony got some water…in stepped John Henry…he was so impressed his heart exploded.
4) Anthony is so popular he held a door open for a group of people and was simultaneously nominated for the congressional medal of honor and the nobel prize.
5) Anthony double majored in Awesome.
6) Anthonys won Florida…not Bush….not Gore…he was under the minimum age requirement though…the whole thing caused a huge mess.
7) Anthony taught Chuck Norris the ROUNDHOUSE.
Last time Anthony cried…Mother Teresa died of sorrow…years late the pope died from after shocks.
9) Anthony was once spotted both singing and dancing. The group of people were so moved they decided they should hold an awards show every year in his honor. Anthony was embarrassed and didn’t want it named after him. The comprimised. Its now known as the TONY AWARDS.
10) Anthony pays his bills with graditude and tips with kindness…he’s never been late on a payement and has perfect credit.
11) AV clubs in highschool aren’t audio visual clubs any more they just refer to his initials…they just watch highlight reels all day…OF HIS LIFE
12) Anthony created spell check people said words to him and he jotted down how they sounded.
13) Cow tipping is a favorite past time of people growing up in rural communitites. They wait until the cows fall asleep at dark and push them over. Anthony says this is for sissies and nincomepoops. He goes to pastures around noon and knocks em out with vicious right hooks….he’s left handed.
Today is my one year anniversary overnight…feels strange…what feel more strange is the fact i have 2 more years to go…YIKES
