First Posts Towards Greatness
The default title says it all….
I guess i’m gonna try one of these rants on the internets the kids are talking about.
I guess i’ll start by setting the backdrop…
I’m 24…I work the night shift….in retail…not like the closing shift at your local GAP. I work the fucking night shift. I sleep when you take your lunch break. I buy beer at 6 am when you’re hitting your snooze button.
Which i guess leads to my first of many random asides…
You know what the most awkward feeling in the world is…well 2nd most awkward. Buying beer at the 7-11 at 6am. You know to me…its my 530-600 beer for you normal folk…or “daywalkers”. But for me JUST because its 6am and JUST because the only other people buying beer are hobos it gets a negative reaction.
Last time i went in the store i picked up my usual Yuengling purchase and touched a 5 hour energy drink (they really work..seriously they aren’t paying me). I put it back and asked to be rung up and the cashier stares at me and asks “What about the energy drink”. The dude stares me down for a good minute and is looking around me like i hid it somewhere. Really? I’m going to get busted for a 2.99 energy drink. He should have only been concerned if i headed straight for the nacho cheese and swiped a nudie mag after that…now that would be a crazy morning…or would it be night for me?
This also happened….I had a homeless man ask me if I wanted a beer…its like those damn burger king reverse pick pocket commercials!!! I have nothing against the hobos…they catch all the diseases so we don’t have to…but…seriously…i’m getting charity from homeless people.
So…anyways…after getting home from 7-11 (i live in an apt) i have to walk through the front door while people are coming out. I’m always very polite holding the door for all that pass….however its like i’ve been pissing myself the whole time because they give me the stink eye and steer themselves away…maybe its the beer…maybe its my blood shot eyes…maybe its the gun i’m holding…the world will never know (when i said the world will never know i just picture that owl, turtle, and kid from tootsie pop commercials…but instead of a tootsie pop its me slugging beers and throwing empty bottles at people trying to catch the metro shuttle).
Oh I almost forgot…you wanna know the most awkward experience..Well i’ll tell ya..
Its the 10am ABC store purchase. I’ve only done this once…and it was to make sure we had booze for our party that night…since i sleep at noon normally when i get up the store’s closed so i thought i was planning ahead. Well double the awkward stares by the clerks…and these fuckers ONLY RING UP ALCOHOL PURCHASES ALL DAY. Plus its like a sprint at the start of the damn Boston marathon. Everyone is jockying for position like they cant go another minute without hard alcohol (once you get in the store its like those Lauren Wallace Geiko commercials…”wherever I see him it ends with me putting him in the wall)….Which makes it funny because i think ABC stores give you small carts just to humiliate you. You have a group of about 5 people running wildly through the abc store with their commically small carts filled to the brim with horrible shit to drink….so even though the clerk looked at me funny…by the end of it i didn’t feel so bad.
…end of random aside #1….
So anyways…yeah i work overnight for retail (I’m not gonna say the company…not because i think a million people are gonna read this…but because if one person makes one wrong call and it the wrong person reads all the stupid shit i’ve punched into this magical contraption…it could be bad)
i like to use ‘…’ i have no idea why it just fills space between thoughts i think but i still REALLY want to type…
were those random asiedes 2 and 3…i’m not going to count…lets just let this roll.
We stock the shelves of the store…we unload semi-trucks…we speak broken spanish…well i speak broken spanish…i’m part of 3 people that speak english…i have no problem with that…its cool there are about 6 or 7 different languages that go through my team…sometimes i feel like i’m on win lose or draw (you remember that show) I’m waving my arms wildly and they are guessing the same thing over and over…and i start holding up one finger act out that word and so on…
anyways, the best language mix up was when i wanted to give my team free drinks…in spanish a drink is ‘un bebe’ but…i was offering free ‘besos’ which unfourtunatly are kisses. Some of my older ladies were a little too excited to only be getting mountain dews…and the guys ran away…that was an interesting meeting to call after that and explain….
Ok so enough about work…
I live with two guys..the modern day blackbeard…i wont say his name cuz this dude pirates all sorts of shit….he has every more ever made and some that haven’t been yet. Well the blackbeard reference isn’t completely true…He lives in ‘the gray area’ he has a summer home built there in fact…i believe he is the guy with the suit of question marks’ appretice (THE GOVERNMENT IS GIVING AWAY MONEY I’LL SHOW YOU HOW!). He’s a cool guy and has no problem with us poking fun at him though.
the other guy is a reverse Clark Kent…he has to go into a phone booth to be normal…he just walks around as superman all day…So i guess when i refer to them one will be Pirate Mike…and the other will be Superman.
OH! also they date sisters…its funny as hell…there are some pretty unique scenarios to that.
I guess this is all for now…its kind of long…
God Bless Billy Mays, Shamwow!, and Papa Joe’s Pizza
by the way…i’m never going to edit or spell check shit…so…
ENJOY!
