Omec…silver monkeys…SAT Analogies..Happy Monday
What contest did the diner lose to become the silver diner…i’m guessing it was a pretty important one..because normally you aren’t that proud of a second place finish.
Speaking of silver…you remember the shrine of the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple (it was after all the temple games and you had to run through the actual temple) This obstacle gave all comers Many problems…which is interesting because if you can remember…the monkey only had 3 parts…legs..torso..head…and you shoved a poll through all of it. Easy enough…i didn’t think you needed a college level anatomy class to get this right…however…team after team…the red jaguars…silver snakes…green iguanas…failed one at a time…to capture whatever ridiculous artifact Omec wanted them to get…(Montezuma’s golden cock ring was said to give him mystical powers over his foes) how does Omec obtain all of these items…he doesn’t have arms or legs…also…why does he hide them in his temple everytime…he’s a pretty unselfish guy…not only does he let these kids have an attempt at his treasure…he also throws BK Knights…and trips to space camp on top of it…pretty nice guy…though those temple guard mother fuckers would scare the shit out of me (if i ever get mugged i’m just going to try and hand the guy a pendant of life…and send him on his way…lets just hope i’m not stuck with only a half).
See, these are things kids are missing these days…we just have an invasion of japanese collectable monster TV Shows for them…Pokemon, Yu Gi Oh, and there are a few others that i’ve seen in our toy aisles at the store….Girls have Bratz dolls…they should just be called Whore Jr. dolls….Whore Jr. brought to you by Mattel…girls…why develop your personality when you can develop your body…knowledge of cosmetics…and gold digging tendancies now.
Our Generation’s kid gameshow genre alone…kicks all kids shows asses now…Double Dare, Finders Keepers, Legends of the Hidden Temple…FUCKING GUTS!!!…Jesus…they had Global Guts which pitted countries against each other…it was kid olympics and even taught us to had people different than us….Lets Go To The Leaderboards Moe!!!
Probably the best part about guts was the horrible nicknames the kids gave themselves…mainly because it just didn’t fit them…
Mike O Malley ‘Next up…5′3″ from Eastern Europe…his name is Slavo….but better known as Tank Kill’
Slavo: ‘I call Tank Kill, for tank kill family and village’
Not to mention actual cartoons…ghostbusters, ninja turtles, MVP (maybe a bit off the radar…but it was Bo Jackson, Wayne Gretzsky, and Michael Jordan as a team kicking the asses of all comers), Gummy Bears..i could go on…Lets see Dora deal with MVP…brind on Diego too…Gretzsky would decapitate both of them pass it to Bo, who would relay it for a sweet alley oop to Jordan)
I’ve touched on TMNT before but…there was a personality for everyone…if you were cocky…or wanted to be witty…Rafael
If you’re a bit of a spaz…or just energetic…Michaelangelo
Nerd…Donatello
Born leader….Leonardo
Lets see kids relate to picachu….all pokemon gave us was kids saying stupid shit…you know what the little monsters said…the only thing they said??? Their names…and we gave japan millions.
If they continue to outlaw dodgeball in schools how are we supposed to separate the unathletic kids from the worthwhile ones?
Pirate Mike tried to vote Bush in for a third term…he had no clue it was for president…his mom just always taught him to ‘vote for his favorite’
Ant asked if see through clothes were ok for casual friday…when they said no he then asked about their feelings on plastic wrap.
Here’s a flashback to the SAT
JMU Mike: Leaving full beers (wounded soldiers) The Machine Gun:Purple Hearts…
Seriously…Mike is responsible for more mangled limbs than land mines
GPA stands for gives people arrogance…cuz no doubt the higher someone’s is the better they think they are…i got good grades..but sure enough someone with the 3.5 or 4.0 would look at me like i was a hobo….and if you asked them any questions…when they dropped a fact or nugget of info to you it might as well have been a penny in your cup.
Ok…that’s it..
Love, Meat, and randomness (without the comma people’s outlook on me would change greatly)
I don’t like it when people say “i’ve got some good news, and i’ve got some bad news” No you don’t you have average or mediocre news…or just plain on news…its a law of averages. Here’s an optimist’s viewpoint of good and bad news in a formula
l good news – bad news l + Sunshine = Outcome
^ that’s right that’s an absolute value sign…so…its always po..si..tive…ok that was lame…but its staying.
White Castle sliders…awful…some people swear by them…one being my dad…The son he once loved and knew died the day i finally admitted i hated sliders…my brother really capitalized on a clutch opportunity…not only did he eat his 10 sliders…he polished off my leftovers…my dad couldn’t have been prouder…his branch of the family tree firmly upheld by his youngest son’s bravado. Have you ever seen a slider….i think its the only meat lower in grade than taco bell ground beef (which i devour but i’m just saying i recognize that its basically a ground medly of stray animals) and taco bell meat gets an F+ because it tries dammit…case in point the triple steak burrito…Have you seen the commercials…go to a steak house…your friends are all about to get excellent steaks….”i’ll take mine medium” “i’ll have mine TRIPLE! *initiate sly grin and unveiling of his taco bell bag* Well great job…your friends now look classy…will be eating classy…and will be enjoying their decision for some time to come…you on the other hand have booked yourself multiple round trip tickets to the crapper…hurry up…its a non-stop flight and its about to leave the gate!
Hold on to your asses…….Billy Mays….HAS A NEW FUCKING PRODUCT….its a pen that repairs scratches on your car…don’t worry i wasn’t convinced at first either…until he took a NAIL to a BEAUTIFUL PAINT JOB…then with one stroke of his crafty hand…BOOM good as new…I was still skeptical and leaned over to Ant…”I just don’t know…doesn’t look like there’s enough there maybe if he doubles my…” Billy Mays “BUT WAIT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I’LL DOUBLE YOUR OFFER” I would tell you you’re FUCKING INSANE..how could you possibly make ANY MONEY Billy…you don’t run charities! After a lengthy clean up session..i didn’t buy the product…but i’m sure it will eventually revolutionize my life…
If billy mays did an infomercial on the stock market the recession would be over tomorrow…
When are we going to call this a depression…and at what level must a depression sink to become a ‘great depression’
I wish i went to a celebrity school…cuz if i went there…suddenly herman…or rudy..doesn’t seem too strange…Ashley Simpson’s kid is named Bronx Mowgli….Isn’t Mowgli the name of the creature Gizmo from the gremlins was? And remember that dude got his ass kicked consistently by the gremlins. Just to be safe…Ashley…i know you’re probably reading this…or having someone else read it to you while you move your head back and forth across the screen like you’re following the words….don’t get the kid wet…or feed it past midnight…cuz god knows we don’t want your DNA multiplying.
If we bail out the US auto industry we will be sending the wrong message…i know there are alot of jobs at stake…but seriously that’s giving a reward for a lack of flexibility and innovation…GM doesn’t change anything until it is mandated…for example hybrids and alternate fuel cars suddenly were churned out quicker than ever before when a decision was released that they would have to show a certain amount of lines over a minimum MPG. If they would have innovated before forced…maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess….It would be like if a retarded kid’s painting was put in an art competition and won out of sympathy…congrats…now….”your special little guy” actually think he’s good at something and you’re going to have to spend plenty of extra time to try and pump that up…meanwhile actual artists no longer have any real motivation to try…or churn out quality work….
Lets just extend this bailout everywhere…Lets bail out dead beat dads…junkies…felons…give all obese free lipo and organ transplants to addicts. Seriously…if we are really going to wipe the slate clean..lets not half ass it…
Me and Pirate Mike’s lives have grown in opposite directions…when i was little me and my friends made a fort out of a bush…we played in it all day…a year or two later i grew out of it…
Pirate Mike plays in bushes all day and keeps on talking about doughnuts…guess if you like Krispy Kreme there’s really no stopping it.
This is a weak post and its going nowhere but downhill…and downhill in a peakaboo street sort of way..full of crashes and torn cartlige and tendons. I had a lot of other topics to go through…but…alas they have escaped me..
A few things to leave you with…
Q: If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around does it make a sound?
A: Of course…
Q:Which came first the chicken or the egg…
A: Who the fuck knows…what i do know is the omelette came very soon after….and in a horrible act the chicken omelette wiped out entire generations…think about that…a parent cooked in its kids…Brutal
Double your fun…Eli Manning…Billy Mays…and More!!!
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So due to favorable reactions from 100% of the messages (which is horribly challenging when you have 4 posts) I have decided to do this daily until my fuel runs out…
Hold on to your butts because this is going to be a whirlwind of emotion Topics covered include: So i was searching online about facts dealing with working overnight. I got great news..I am 40% more likely to get cancer. SWEET. Anyways i’m already bored with this… I. Eli Manning I feel sorry for Eli Manning. I can’t help it. I try my best to try and realize he has won a superbowl and has millions of dollars. But the guy looks like he is horribly retarded. Every time I see him throw a ball I can’t help but think “good for you” like he shouldn’t be able to do it or something. Of course he can fuckin’ do it…he’s an NFL QB but he looks so freaking retarded! He needs to wear a tinted visor so that we can’t see him…then i’ll probably think…wow there’s a very average athlete. I expect that they will announce soon that Eli and Payton are teaming up to appear on Flutie Flakes. Manning will be looking at the camera and patting eli on the head while eli is grabbing for the autism puzzle piece that’s on the cereal box with his mouth full of actual puzzle pieces. I will admit superman…look that name for my roommate sucks…if he’s superman his kryptonite is growing facail hair…if the world depended on him growing one sideburn we’d all be screwed. We’ll call him oh…i don’t know…antsinmypants…i’ll just call him Ant for short. Anyways the orginial flutie flakes idea was Ant’s but i’ve just elaborated. (this is the closest thing you will EVER see to a source in here). NEXT!! II. Parenting + Retail. I will start this with another random aside. When i was in kindergarden we played this game in class…Guess what’s in the bag…GUESS WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BAG!!! It was GREAT…it was full of mystery and everyone only had one question to ask so you had to make it count. Of course i ask a stupid question like “Is it a T-Rex?” because i was a stupid fucking 5 year old. But immediatly after asking i raised my hand again…oh i got this shit i’m thinking. “Is it edible?” what a great quesiton! Only the bitch of a teacher i had didn’t call on me…so finally i burst i just kept yelling out “is it edible?” probably about 20 times thinking she just must have heard my incredibly clever and profound question. She kicked me out of class and my mom had to pick me up. The whole time i thought, i’m gonna get the shit kicked out of me….mom is NOT going to be happy. To my shock…nothing happened my mom hated my teacher and bought me candy. But here’s my point…I was scared I thought there would be consequence to my action…apparently though now there are no consequences for anything and if you work retail you are below animals (aside within aside…did you ever know a kid in elementary school that had to basically get naked to pee. Like pull their pants all the way down and lift their shirt way up. I remember i was friends for about a day with a kid like that same school that guess what’s in the bag was played. I saw him do that shit and immediatly never talked to him again. If you have a son and he’s going to school teach him the right way to piss cuz even at 5-6 i was embarrassed for that sorry little fucker) So anyways…all this happened in one day. I’m closing the store (back when i’m working days) and a mom comes up to me and says…”hey I just wanted to let you know my son is peeing in one of your aisles” WHAT THE HELL. Two things about the statement before we even get to the act its self. 1) just wanted to let you know…is used in minor situations, not when your son is unleashing a flood in the middle of a toy aisle. 2) IS PEEING…IS?!?! you couldn’t stop him first and then tell me? You have to let him completely empty his bladder first? She said it like it would be a pleasure of mine to clean up her son’s piss…because i am a retail employee and therefore obviously possess no skill required to do ‘a real job’ So i pass that off to an employee and that’s taken care of The trash compactor jams…i must clear it manually i.e climb in trash up to my waist and find out what got it stuck. Next i walk around the corner and there is seriously about a 5 foot radius of puke in the baby department. This is also disturbing because in this case it was a mystery. No one deemed it important enough to tell anyone they had just annihalated an entire aisle. But this allowed me to play a favorite game of mine. Clean up roulette where i walk around the store once and see who is doing the least of what they are supposed to. …and out of the gates its kid having personal conversation on company phone followed closely by girl reading magazine at fitting room…oh wait what’s THIS guy texting friend and obviously putting shit in the wrong place…HE’s taking the lead it looks like no one will catch him….OH BUT WAIT FROM THE BACK OF THE PACK IT ISN’T!?!? It’s “guy just punched in from his 30 minute lunch break and hour late carrying food and talking to girls from his high school”! And folks we have a winner…not even close. The best part is how i need to tell him…you call him away like you aren’t going to embarass him. Tell him just loud enough that i’m sorry to pull him away from his conversation but there is a massive pile of puke i need him to attend to. The girls giggle he turns red…puke gone. Most of the time i clean up the puke cuz i just don’t feel like putting someone through that. Plus i’ve been through college and college makes you immune to puke. When you see it on the elevator…clogging drains…in the shower…in every stall….sprayed on walls…you get to be numb of it. III. Billy Mays I hope you know who this is. The guy got his break with Oxy Clean…the fat bearded guy. I think he also did orange glow…but I am sure he has done…the awesome auger, mighty putty, the handy switch. These things will revolutionize the way you like….really only the handy switch…but still he’s made some nice efforts. Anyways, He is the most intense infomercialist i have ever seen (the Shamwow! guy is an up and comer though…but no one even knows his name, so still light years behind mr.mays) And i was thinking I want to see an E! True Hollywood story on him. “it got to the point where everyone wanted commercial Billy. and sometimes i didn’t have the energy” “So naturally i turned to red bull. But that wasn’t enough then it was coke, crack, meth…it got pretty out of control” “I used to play this game called wooly willy where i’d put a portrait of my self on the table cover it in coke and make new hair styles for myself but i’d always end up bald and out of coke” “then the low point hit, i was so depressed i mounted two hercules hooks and put a forearm forklift around my neck…it wasn’t pretty…i ripped a huge hole in the wall and had no might putty to speak of to fix it..i guess you could call that rock bottom” IV. I think bad pizza is probably like a girl giving her man a good fellacing If you’re like me, you love pizza. There are toppings you love. And as you wait for that timer to tick down to zero you are full of anticipation. Then the clock hits zero and what do you get for all of your hard work? A mouthful of some horrible tasting shit. Don’t eat tombstone, mama celeste, or 5 cheese stuffed crust digorno Seriously Digorno you make good pizza why’d you have to fuck this one up. 3 cheeses is borderline insane. 5 cheeses? you’re in Charles Manson territory. That’s it i’m spent… May post again later on the origin of the pizza king and the introduction of JMU Mike. Leave comments because i can’t see hits and i want to know how many people may now think me to be insane. |
Back To The Future Politics and Other Phrases Made Up In My Head
Barack Obama looks to be starting a new wave of politics…its contreversial..mainly because we don’t have enough DeLoreans in prime condition. I’m talking of course about what Obama will coin as ‘Back to the future diplomacy’ You see Obama is trying to change the future by altering the past…And he’s doing this by using Clinton’s cabinet. In the second ever source used in this blog ruining its position as least reliable source for information on the net….According to CNN over one half of Obama’s staff were either from Clinton’s staff or have direct ties to them….on top of that looks like Hillary is going to be in there too…Fuck…anything but Hillary…seriously…ANYTHING…
Seriously…i was excited for Obama coming in and shaking things up…seemed like he was really doing a good job reaching out to both sides…and then…GOTCHA! Yeah…i’m going to change…change things back to the year 2000…but if that’s what the economy is going to do…then bring it on…obviously turning the economy around is goal number 1…but i have lost faith in the government a long time ago to actually institute change…because its dangerous…making it harder to get re-elected…i thought Obama would change that…but i guess not.
(i know it may be an overreaction…it may work out great…this is just my knee-jerk reaction…specifically if my knee-jerk reaction in an impossible fashion kicked myself in the balls)
The secratary of homeland defense is the governor of Arizona….uh oh…guess we shouldn’t have made fun of Palin for having international experience because she could se Putin fly overhead…because now Napolitano can say i can see Mexico from my porch.
This survey has been out for a while…but i just heard it brought up again on some news network on tv (some news network on tv is a very reliable source) that the least trusted group of americans are atheists….Now this doesn’t seem ridiculous on its own until you realize that felons ranked behind atheists…Really?…i mean look at it this way…we are talking about trust so…people would rather ‘trust’ their kids with a felon Vs. someone that doesn’t believe in god….ok..lets just hope the felon is rehabilitated…and doesn’t fall into the statistic of people going right back into prison…its probably for the best though…because fuck people that don’t believe exactly what you do that’s not what this country was founded on…oh wait…it was…
Lets distrust people without the same religious beliefs…or religious beliefs all together…stop the gays from marrying and not associate with people of other races, social classes, or political affiliations…
Shit’s retarded…
Gay people can’t get married because people don’t support the lifestyle? Don’t worry…you’re not gay…and gay marriage wont turn you that way…I once argued for gay marriage and the response was…what next…people marrying animals…No that’s not what is next…what would be next is gay people feeling like they are finally starting to be treated like equals…this is our generations civil rights movement…people just decide not to see that. Well what do they say…those that don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it…well…get ready for firehoses and attack dogs in Alabama….Well one good stride has been made…Jeff Garcia is a starting QB again…another reliable source (T.O.) said Garcia was gay…he just had the awesome cover of a playboy bunny girlfriend…you fooled em all Jeff.
Note: Gay atheist asians…least trusted segment in america (refer to past post that talks bout how hollywood is fine with racist comment…but ONLY if they are about asians)
The war on drugs is about effective as calling for a war on nightmares. They are all around us…they happen…why not regulate and make money from them…and in the process making them safer…This analogy fails because none of sentence two ties in the war on nightmares thing…but basically..you can’t kill freddy kruger…..unless you’re wes craven and you don’t know when to stop making horror movies.
I’m going to start giving speeches at school on abstinense…cuz recently i’ve really complied alot of experience in the field…or if i don’t give the speeches i can train others that will be delivering them…The speech would be short…stop fucking so much middle schoolers…especially without protection…if you are caught doing so you will be forced to work overnight retail….and then it will be forced upon you…until then..enjoy blowjobs.
The first woman to give a BJ should be in the human hall of fame.
I want to experience the joy that i used to feel when i finally saw that my connection had finally got to the picture of the key for AOL and now my password just had to be verified…did you ever accidently type in the wrong password? That felt like someone bought me a puppy and then punted it in the face…well…another 10 minutes till i’m online…downloading songs at a lightning fast 30 mintues…i remember when i could get a really good speed and have songs downloaded in 5 mintues and watch an entire porno without lag or losing an erection due to trying to figure out what exactly i was looking at or just a blank screen that said ‘buffering’
You know what i hate about hotdogs….You can never get toppings on there to merge correctly with the dog…Example…Cheese…but it on the bottom of the bun…its going to go too high on the bun itself…and be standing above the dog…you get too much cheese before dog…ketchup…you taste too much too early…relish…forget it…dominates everything…its like…oh i heard you like pickles….the pickles throw up on your dog and say…good luck with that…you now have diced pickles with some mystery meat burried in it.
I called a library a liberry for a long time
I once called Omaha a state..but really…is there anything else in Nebraska?
In middle school i was spinning a bunch of quarters at the same time…and knowing i was making a corny joke said…if i joined a circus they would call me Quarter Roy…unfortunately…that became on of my nicknames…Middle School sucked ass.
You just spent a couple minutes of your life ingesting my mental bile…..Enjoy SUCKERS!
Titles are for suckers…just read this if you want something to laugh at
72 views in one day…that’s a new record…thanks everyone for being bored at work (i realize that its probably the same couple people checking multiple times…but we don’t have a butterfly ballot here…or rulings on hanging chads…so i take everything i can get)
On days i don’t post i’m probably just going to make a greatest hits off of the old blog so it will be on here. I think i’m going to make it category based (one for politics…one for pirate mike…you get the drift)
Seidman…i was thinking…anytime you’re 600lbs and you have someone calling you skinny…that’s not ridiculous..that’s just good strategy…we need that guy over in Iraq ASAP..or as a white house press secretary…cuz obviously he can twist the most hideous situations into positives…”Dude you’re 600 pounds…you need to get your life together”…nope…just goes to the hospital…600 pounds is still about half of the king fatty…600lb man you may not get a show call 1/4 ton dad…but you do get my applause.
I’ve had lame dreams lately…which sucks…because dreams are supposed to be where you break away from everyday life and do things you normally can’t…not this guy…my good dreams consist of unloading trucks in 45 minutes instead of an hour…i’m still single but not even pulling ass…in fact in my last few dreams i’ve either gotten shut down or cheated on…What the fuck…i need to do something to my brain…its not good when you don’t have nightmares but your dreams are so bad you start off in a bad mood…seriously…PLEASE i want a dream where i’m chased by a psycho killer or something….never thought i’d be begging for nightmares…
I saw a Nyquil commercial yesterday…it was about how Nyquil now has customizable formulas…like one bottle for a chesty cough…one for stuffy head…one for herpes…anyways…the commercial featured synchronized swimmers…anyone else see a problem with this…Drink nyquil…the drug that makes you fall asleep..perfect for when you’re about to take a dip with your buddies!!! Or better yet…they are talking about customized formulas but all these sick people are diving in a pool together…its more of a commercial for orignial nyquil…”Original nyquil…cuz you’re gonna catch that shit anyways”
Have you seen that show Whale Wars…its not bad…its full of crazies…its the guy that founded green peace and then was kicked out for being too radical (too radical for green peace so you know he’s a nut). He gets together a crew (mostly consisting of people who have never even been on a boat) and sends them down to the Antarctic seas…some of the most dangerous in the world. They search for ‘illegal’ whaling vessels…only problem is they have found a loop hole so the whole operation is actually legal…They chuck stink bombs on board and then the captain (Captain Crazy formally of green peace) decides they need to have 2 people board the Japanese whaling ship…Wow…his idea is they will kidnap them and then it will look bad on their part…Wow….They are just supposed to hop on board and hold up a paper that says they are there in peace…Wow..
If I kicked down your door and then stood there with a paper that said “My bad but seriously your music is too loud and it keeps me up sometimes..can you stop?” I would expect a kick to the groin followed by a 911 call…but these people are totally miffed when the dudes are being ‘mistreated’ on the ship…they are basically pirates now…but not good natured pirates like pirate mike…or badass pirates like blackbeard…Fucking Vegan Pirates…nothing to be scared of…seriously…their steady diet of couscous isn’t going to give your guns steady diet of bullets problems…or your body who has the steady diet of testosterone problems…fuckers are going down.
Staying on TV…have you ever watched 2 and a half men…i reccommend it…its a funny show..however…there is definitely a quota of sex related jokes they have to get in…JUST because your main star got caught banging a hooker doesn’t mean that has to be the basis of your whole show…shit actually, if that’s all it takes to get a show on tv…i’m heading back to vegas..cuz i was propositioned by about 10 hookers…and…silly me i turned them down.
When i get drunk a casinos the ‘F bomb’ drops frequently…me jerseyassjordan and his friend smitty played craps like champs (we all won about 3Gs a piece by the end of the week). Well when you are ordering 2 drinks at a time (one being crown on the rocks so you have a steady supply of ‘fuck your ass up’ instead of having to wait those painful 10 minutes between drinks) it is a recipe for disater…It got to the point where me and smitty were out hitting the tables at about 6 in the morning just getting booted of table after table…here’s what mike dialogue consisted of…”yeah…give me ahhh fucking…100 in chips…and let me get fucking 12 on 6…fuckin 12 more on 8…a fucking 5 on nine..and lets get those fucking dice on over here” …sir can you stop with the f word…it stopped until i hit the point “fuck yeah, that’s what i’m fucking talking about…give me thos fucking dice”…that’s when i’d be asked to pick up my chips…I FUCKING love vegas.
Ant has started making beats…i will start posting them with my blogs…
JMU Mike…I’m gonna start calling you fucking farva…cuz you drank my whole liter ah cola
Pirate Mike…i’m going to need you to pirate extra hard now that whale wars fake pirates have press time…you need to represent for modern day pirates…though it will probably be by you downloading every movie DMX has starred in…Broke Back in HD…and A Walk To Remember.
1000Lb people and Segas
I just found out that I have tonight off of work….and unexpected day off from work is just as exciting as the ’suprise present’ on christmas…or a birthday….I got a SEGA FUCKING GENSIS as a suprise present one year. I had been asking for it for a couple of years…my parents flat out told me not to ask for it because i wasn’t getting it. So about September i had already mailed it in…hopefully i can get some cool X-men toys or something you rudy thought.
Then Christmas hit. At one point that faithful christmas morn’ i even opened up NHL 94 for Sega…i was moved to almost tears…why uncle ron!?! why would you torture me with the greatest game ever made for a system i will never know…Well the last present was opened and i was doing my best to put on a smile through the disappointment..cuz i didn’t want to be an ungrateful ass…BUT WHAT’S THIS…
Wait guys…i think we forgot a present….(if it were possible at this age my pants would have been completely glued to my legs)
Hmm..brown box…right size though..could it be!!!
And that’s how i got my Sega….BUT since it was me and my bro’s i had to switch off playing hockey with him playing “Barney’s big adventure”
Barney’s big adventure was basically molester training…the goal of the game was to seek out children and give them hugs…the game was complete with “super-deee-doopers” and everything…I don’t remember for sure but i think if you beat the game in a certain amount of time you could replay it with a trench coat and aviator glasses….But i could care less…i just spent the whole time reading the back of the boxes of my couple games…wondering what magestic worlds awaited me…
So yeah…i’ve got the day off.
I vow to get through November without turning on the heat…shit…i think i can make it through December…because if you pay extra for utilities the terrorists win…On a related note i bet bush really has supported that…leading to many disgruntled and cold white house employees…You realize how much money you can save by manning up and just not using the heat…And i’m not talking about Eli Manning up…that would be retarded. That would be like blasting the AC all day until Jan. running the washing machine without clothes in it…and testing sockets with a combo of forks and tongues…
So last week i hung out with jmu mike…pirate mike…and then rhonda got home from the closing shift…holy crap. I hadn’t drank all week and i decided i had to make it count i guess…because when i was done there was about a quarter of a handle left and i had passed out with a 360 controller in my hand…
All i remember towards the end was laughing over my headset (yes i was the sad picture of a guy drinking alone..(at this point it didn’t start that way) yelling into my microphone at other xbox users) and playing with some spanish speaking guys…i was dying because i couldn’t really see the screen at this point and just kept yelling “ayuda me…AYUDA ME…yo estoy muerte!!!” Which i was hoping was..help me…help me….I’m DEAD.
Its just a miracle that i had the next day off of work…because even after about 12 hours of sleep i still woke up wobbly legged and dizzy….i didn’t even think about drinking for the next 3 days…
It kind of sucks what has happened….my tolerance has stayed the same from college (roughly) but my hangover time has SKYROCKETED…I used to on the worst…THE WORST night..be out of commission for most of the day but be right back at it again that night….
I was going to say that it almost feels like in those situations that you are the general and your organs are the troops…”men, we took a beating…but we are being called on again…we will rise to the occasion!” Except for I feel like sometimes my body realizes that i’m more of a General Custer….and we’re about to get our shit handed to us.
So i watched a show last night called Half Ton Mom…i thought it was just exaggerating..because there is now way a person could be 1000 pounds…wrong…it happens…it fucking happens…I have no problem with people being large…obese..or whatever…that’s ok…sometimes its a choice…sometimes its genetic…but there is really no excuse for being 1000 pounds…wait are you hearing what i’m typing…(dumb question you’re reading it…so i guess is should have said ‘are you seeing this’…cuz otherwise i’d be banging the shit out of these keys right now) These people hadn’t left the house in 4 years…and the woman had a ‘caretaker’ now if she can’t leave the house…i doubt she had a job…which means that more than likely this caretaker and all her food was coming out of taxpayer pockets…I don’t know about you but when i see a third of my check going to the government…i don’t think…oh good now she might be able to make it to 1100, LIVE THE DREEEEAM. This dude would bring her 9 burgers for breakfast…i thought i had a problem with portion control until i saw this shit….And big suprise both of the people they showed…from america…we are a land of polar opposites…you have the best athletes in the world…and 1000lb behemoths. I bet cambodia, vietnam, and the ever changing country names in africa don’t have this problem.
“No i think i’m just going to sit around and see how much i can eat…oh wait…its between dirt and water that malaria infested mosquitos have laid larvee into…ok looks like my mind’s made up…off to find some diamonds”
I mean just look at the holiday we have coming up..Thanksgiving…cuz nothing celebrates the slaughter of indians like some turkey…
(seriously though i love Thanksgiving…can always get the family together…always get a good meal…and count on cold turkey sandwitch induced naps for the next week.)
Pirate Mike hasn’t figured out how to use ‘that’s what i’m sayin’ or ‘but i’m sayin’
example: mike accidently sneezed on rhonda’s food…to his credit he was laying down a nasty riff on the ol Guitar Hero…but when we asked him the next day why he didn’t just sneeze into his shoulder…Blackbeard responded…i did…when we pointed out he didn’t he responds with ‘i’m saying though i basically did’ Well Pirate Mike…I’m saying you basically didn’t because rhonda didn’t order chicken McNuggets with extra flem but ironically after your sneeze her bonus toppings were apparent.
Ok…i didn’t illustrate that well…i’ll try again in a later blog.
Ant loves to root against the redskins when JMU Mike is over…I feel like a peace keeper in the Middle East…Only both sides have suicide bombers with itchy trigger fingers…
Ant: Great fucking pass skins…*rolling laughter*
JMU Mike: Wide eyed…slow turn towards the couch
Me: i must swing into action. Eh, it was just good coverage…#17 just didn’t wanna throw the pick or take a sack…it was a good play.
And the packed market in Israel takes a deep breath after fingers ease off the switch..
Yes i just compared myself to a middle eastern peace keeper.
In closing…I know its monday..but just be glad you don’t weight 1/2 a ton…live in a 3rd world country…or like the redskins.
Rudy….Nocturnal Rudy
So i saw Quantum of Solace the other day…a few things noticed.
The bond girl from this film had the worst chase cars ever….first off was some sort of smart car looking thing.
(I don’t know why they call them smart cars…because honestly…there is nothing smart about going 40mph top speed. Also, there is a reason why there are only two seats…because if you own one of those you are too much of a D-bag to need 2 more seats..cuz you only have one other friend…and you just picked him up hitchiking..hey did you ever think…if its such a ’smart car’ and environmentally friendly how can you then only car pool with one more person…because there is no way you are fitting more than two people in there….so i ask you…is it actually cleaner to take two smart cars or one 4-door sedan..say a buick regal…powder blue with matching interior….EXACTLY)
The second car she pulls up in is a VW Bug with about 4 different colors on it….JESUS…bond atleast had his aston martin (fucking classy…so classy that my use of profanity has dropped its class) i expected her to be laboring behind a rikshaw next…huffing…’bond….get…on…we…have…to…**faint** ‘ movie over.
Have you ever had a girl ask you if you had dreams about them…i know other people have…i can’t be the only one…normally its a girlfriend which makes sense…and i’ve had it before right after i wake up…Why ask what its about…i’m basically an eagle scout with the tent i’m currently pitching….but she still asks..and you try to come up with a story that sounds sweet to them…really what you should do is say…i can’t really remember the details…i just remember alot of Fucking….that makes an awkward start to a day.
I have cammo cargo shorts…when i wear them to my dismay i am just as visable as ever…i guess it doesn’t help that i’m in tyson’s..and also clothed with a full gilly suit..and there’s not a forest…or for that matter a tree in sight…oh well…you live…you learn…you get kicked out of public places.
Kids toys are WAY too awesome…
I was stocking the shelves and say an automatic nerf gun…it shoots three darts a second and comes with an ammo box…are you fucking kidding me…if i was 10 that thing would be strapped to me at all times..I would have been the terror of the fucking neighborhood…also we sell kids night vision goggles and laser sights…(seriously this isn’t a joke)…this makes me think of how our society raises boys Vs. girls…bad ass toy for boys…basically making males into petite navy seals….an awesome gun to vanquish your foes…for girls….princess dolls…you might as well give them fake credit cards and empty nest syndrome barbie too. Seriously…little dudes…prepared for war…little chicks….prepared for a life full of let downs…news flash you arent going to be some princess..you probably aren’t going to look like barbie…and ken isn’t going to buy you all the shit you want (oh by the way…what job does ken have…exactly…some fairy tale life..you’re married to an unemployed loser…good luck paying for more plastic surgery barbie!!!). They should make lawyer and doctor barbie…loving girlfriend barbie that doesn’t care what her boyfriend’s career is as long as he’s a nice guy and provides for her, or self-fucking-sufficient barbie. Guys are taught through media and their dads to be self-sufficient…girls…rely on getting free drinks and looking for a guy with a good career…well what should go with that….madatory oral skills classes and cooking classes…not even being sexist here…if girls are going to have that outlook..then fucking PAY UP.
Speaking on kids toys again…i don’t think i would have played a Wii…just a little too spastic for me…i’d much rather have just kept on playing outdoor Real sports…but the thing with Wii is like Disney it has capitalized on the family market…Disney can put out anything…ANYTHING as a family movie and be top film at the box office….Lilo And Stitch…look at those main characters…Wallie (my name is WallEh don’t call me WallE…WALLEH!!!). I wonder how many little kids have lost daddy’s love by breaking the flat screen while playing wii bowling…Too many…Wii wrecks lives.
Done
First Posts Towards Greatness
The default title says it all….
I guess i’m gonna try one of these rants on the internets the kids are talking about.
I guess i’ll start by setting the backdrop…
I’m 24…I work the night shift….in retail…not like the closing shift at your local GAP. I work the fucking night shift. I sleep when you take your lunch break. I buy beer at 6 am when you’re hitting your snooze button.
Which i guess leads to my first of many random asides…
You know what the most awkward feeling in the world is…well 2nd most awkward. Buying beer at the 7-11 at 6am. You know to me…its my 530-600 beer for you normal folk…or “daywalkers”. But for me JUST because its 6am and JUST because the only other people buying beer are hobos it gets a negative reaction.
Last time i went in the store i picked up my usual Yuengling purchase and touched a 5 hour energy drink (they really work..seriously they aren’t paying me). I put it back and asked to be rung up and the cashier stares at me and asks “What about the energy drink”. The dude stares me down for a good minute and is looking around me like i hid it somewhere. Really? I’m going to get busted for a 2.99 energy drink. He should have only been concerned if i headed straight for the nacho cheese and swiped a nudie mag after that…now that would be a crazy morning…or would it be night for me?
This also happened….I had a homeless man ask me if I wanted a beer…its like those damn burger king reverse pick pocket commercials!!! I have nothing against the hobos…they catch all the diseases so we don’t have to…but…seriously…i’m getting charity from homeless people.
So…anyways…after getting home from 7-11 (i live in an apt) i have to walk through the front door while people are coming out. I’m always very polite holding the door for all that pass….however its like i’ve been pissing myself the whole time because they give me the stink eye and steer themselves away…maybe its the beer…maybe its my blood shot eyes…maybe its the gun i’m holding…the world will never know (when i said the world will never know i just picture that owl, turtle, and kid from tootsie pop commercials…but instead of a tootsie pop its me slugging beers and throwing empty bottles at people trying to catch the metro shuttle).
Oh I almost forgot…you wanna know the most awkward experience..Well i’ll tell ya..
Its the 10am ABC store purchase. I’ve only done this once…and it was to make sure we had booze for our party that night…since i sleep at noon normally when i get up the store’s closed so i thought i was planning ahead. Well double the awkward stares by the clerks…and these fuckers ONLY RING UP ALCOHOL PURCHASES ALL DAY. Plus its like a sprint at the start of the damn Boston marathon. Everyone is jockying for position like they cant go another minute without hard alcohol (once you get in the store its like those Lauren Wallace Geiko commercials…”wherever I see him it ends with me putting him in the wall)….Which makes it funny because i think ABC stores give you small carts just to humiliate you. You have a group of about 5 people running wildly through the abc store with their commically small carts filled to the brim with horrible shit to drink….so even though the clerk looked at me funny…by the end of it i didn’t feel so bad.
…end of random aside #1….
So anyways…yeah i work overnight for retail (I’m not gonna say the company…not because i think a million people are gonna read this…but because if one person makes one wrong call and it the wrong person reads all the stupid shit i’ve punched into this magical contraption…it could be bad)
i like to use ‘…’ i have no idea why it just fills space between thoughts i think but i still REALLY want to type…
were those random asiedes 2 and 3…i’m not going to count…lets just let this roll.
We stock the shelves of the store…we unload semi-trucks…we speak broken spanish…well i speak broken spanish…i’m part of 3 people that speak english…i have no problem with that…its cool there are about 6 or 7 different languages that go through my team…sometimes i feel like i’m on win lose or draw (you remember that show) I’m waving my arms wildly and they are guessing the same thing over and over…and i start holding up one finger act out that word and so on…
anyways, the best language mix up was when i wanted to give my team free drinks…in spanish a drink is ‘un bebe’ but…i was offering free ‘besos’ which unfourtunatly are kisses. Some of my older ladies were a little too excited to only be getting mountain dews…and the guys ran away…that was an interesting meeting to call after that and explain….
Ok so enough about work…
I live with two guys..the modern day blackbeard…i wont say his name cuz this dude pirates all sorts of shit….he has every more ever made and some that haven’t been yet. Well the blackbeard reference isn’t completely true…He lives in ‘the gray area’ he has a summer home built there in fact…i believe he is the guy with the suit of question marks’ appretice (THE GOVERNMENT IS GIVING AWAY MONEY I’LL SHOW YOU HOW!). He’s a cool guy and has no problem with us poking fun at him though.
the other guy is a reverse Clark Kent…he has to go into a phone booth to be normal…he just walks around as superman all day…So i guess when i refer to them one will be Pirate Mike…and the other will be Superman.
OH! also they date sisters…its funny as hell…there are some pretty unique scenarios to that.
I guess this is all for now…its kind of long…
God Bless Billy Mays, Shamwow!, and Papa Joe’s Pizza
by the way…i’m never going to edit or spell check shit…so…
ENJOY!
